Mark Groves
speaker
137 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Mark Groves’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
All of a sudden I was like, well, I'm just going to deal with one night stands and short term relationships. Like I can control the depth of intimacy. When you look at the conversation that happens about avoidance online and disorganized is it tends to not be optimistic.
It's not like it's almost like most of the content is created for anxiously attached people, probably because anxiously attached people are the ones going out and looking for it.
Right? Like, let me understand my man on a deeper level so I can make sure he doesn't, you know, or let me understand my woman. But for disorganized, I think one, the recognition that it exists because you don't trust connection. and that's true of all of them, but I think it's especially true for disorganized is that the nervous system doesn't trust connection. And so it like wants it.
So there's this reaching out. And if you think about it, this is often modeled from where the people you got love from is also a was sometimes a place of danger or a lack of safety. So there's a confusion. So you can feel this like desire to go forward, but then this, ah, like this pullback.
So again, coming back to the awareness, knowing that you can change it is of course a powerful thing, which we spoke about before, but somatic practices, like somatic practices, somatic practices, which of course they're in the right place with you.
You know, breadcrumbing. I think it's a, they have now all these cool terms.
Did our generation not have cool terms? Like breadcrumbing, there's like zombieing where they disappear and then they come back from the dead.
They're gone.
Breadcrumbing is really interesting. I would argue that breadcrumbing likely exists more from an avoidantly attached perspective or disorganized, but that it is like... I'm just gonna give you enough. I would say that it's people who are not ready for a relationship. So it's a pretty good orange slash red flag.
You know, whenever anyone says, like, believe their actions, not their words, I'm like, no, no, no, no. If their words and actions don't match, that's the orange flag. Because, you know, you'll have someone who says, I don't want a relationship, but treats you like a boyfriend or girlfriend. That doesn't mean they actually want you to be their boyfriend or girlfriend.
And that's where I think we can get lost in that. The breadcrumbing is like, I'm just gonna give you enough to keep you close, but I'm never going to be fully emotionally available to you. I'm never gonna be relationally fully available to you. For people who are on the other side of it, it's usually because they actually, through likely their childhood, just got enough from a parent.
And could be that their needs were met with wants, which is pretty common. So like if I need a connection from my father, but he bought me gifts, And so we actually learn to meet our needs for connection with meeting wants. And you see this a lot relationally where people are dating and things are not going well and all of a sudden they go on a lavish vacation.
And then things are getting back to the, you know, the truth is coming out again and then they get engaged. And then the truth comes out again and then they get married. And then the truth comes out again and they have a baby. And then they do that again till eventually
Ideally the person who keeps getting because that's you know, some form of breadcrumbing It's like I'm never going to be fully aligned with you and I think for people who are really felt inconsistency from a parent, that becomes just a familiar model. Like, it's like activating the wound. Will I ever be enough for you to fully choose me?
Instead of really like the healing of that is, will I ever be enough for me to fully choose me? And then breadcrumbing becomes this like, are you really trying to pull that shit on me? You're gonna breadcrumb me? Like, hell no. Thank you for showing me who you are. I have zero time for it and zero tolerance for inconsistency, because I am the model of my own consistency.
Yeah, you know, the root of what brings us to work like the work we're talking about, personal work, personal growth, books, somatic therapy, all of it, usually comes from this experience, right? We go, oh, I'm like frustrated dating, or I'm not sure if I should stay or go, or I just going through a breakup and I feel like I've lost everything.
So the doorway is usually the perspective that something's wrong with me and I need to fix it. But what has to change in that process is that it's not that there's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. Because if I'm fixing something, that infers brokenness. And so at some point, your growth has to come from a place of expansion, not repair.
And what I mean by that is that the child sees that the failure of the environment is about the failure of the child. So like the child has two options. My dad was inconsistent because I wasn't enough for him to be consistent or my dad is just not good. To think of your father or your mother or both as being flawed is too confronting.
So what happens is the child creates a narrative that they themselves are. So just knowing that, that like, oh, wow, do I see, as you said earlier, like, do I see their behavior as evidence of my lack of worth or my dysfunction? Or do I see it as their behavior? And so we start to decouple our self-worth from our relational outcomes.
This is like really where the birth of my work came from was that I went through a breakup and I was like, why do I feel more connected to my heart than I ever have? And yet I appear like a failure to the people around me. Like to a lot of the people I loved most, they were like, oh, you're just afraid of commitment. You're just this, you're just that.
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