Mark Groves
speaker
137 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Mark Groves’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
And I was like, wait, I've never made a decision more connected to my heart, like more brave for me to go against what I was taught. And now I'm actually like facing shame. And so that was like, I was, I had to do a deeper inquiry into it because I was so confused. And you start to see like, oh yeah, the behaviors that were taught about relationship are
a lot of the things we do relationally are just things we're taught. They're not even necessarily things we want to do, which is actually a bit of the mind F in that. So knowing that your worth is really sourced from your choices. So whenever I work with someone, One of the first things we do is just like explore where their frustrations are in their life.
And frustrations don't have to be romantic. What I look at is where does tension exist in anything you're in relationship with? So you're in relationship with everything that's not you. So substances, people, TV, right? All of it. And where does friction exist in those relationships? And it goes, okay, well, what do you value? Like, who do you want to be? What do you want for your life?
And a simple way for people to do that, which I would say anxious attached people have a harder time identifying their needs and their values because they spent their whole lives orienting around other people. Right. So, and you know, what I'll often hear initially is I can't believe I don't know what I want or who I am or what I need. And I'm like, beautiful adventure.
Like what a beautiful adventure. It's not, again, evidence of a deficit. It's evidence of a possibility. So by looking at people you admire, you can identify values that you hope to hold. And then you look at the things you have friction with because the friction and the pain or the frustration is coming from you violating some form of value. You just haven't labeled it yet.
And so when you draw out or just write out three to five core values, which I would say like there's some pretty universal ones, you know, like I want health and vitality in all my relationships, both mental, physical, emotional. I want trust and truth and integrity and, you know, among many others. And
When you actually go through the list of things that are frustrating you, you can write out in which of my values is this in violation of, how, and what would need to change in, is it even possible for that relationship to get into integrity? To me, I'm like, that's actually, if you wanna love your life, that's the process. Go get all those things into alignment and you're free.
Like, it's actually that simple. Except what's scary is the large conversations that often have to happen to shift yourself back into integrity if you've ever even been there.
Which, you know, when you've built a life being someone different than who you are, then to actually create a life based on who you truly are, it requires the systems that you've been part of to orient around a new version of you. And as you know very well, almost every single human system will push back on the thing that's trying to change the system.
So if you have a family that never confronted mom's alcoholism and all of a sudden you're like, hey, did anyone notice this shit that's going on over here? Like we can't have Thanksgiving dinner without mom slurring words and saying rude things. All of a sudden the system goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. And so I always,
you know, joke that the black sheep of the family eventually becomes the goat, which is not actually possible from an animal-based perspective, but from a metaphorical archetypal perspective it is, is that the black sheep disrupts the family system and then becomes a beacon of health for the system to orient around a different way of being.
And thank God you don't need other people to do the work for you to heal. And going right to when someone's like, I need to have a conversation with my mom. That's the first thing I need to do. I'm like, maybe don't start with mom. Start with that I can't do dinner on Friday with a friend. Start with a small boundary. Because at the core of even
know getting into regulation again from a nervous system perspective if you've spent your life hyper vigilant or even avoidant you know it's like disorganized like any of these different states because avoidance is flight too you know so for people to understand that if you've spent your life like that and all of a sudden you start doing yoga and hanging out with relaxed people
And you're like, man, and you maybe go on dates and someone texts you when they say they're going to. And you're like, what? This is kind of weird. This is boring. Yeah, exactly. When you get regulated, you'll see that reliability is the hottest shit ever. But what happens to the system is that as it reorganizes, so if I've never laid a boundary, the first time I lay a boundary is a Hail Mary.
It's like, because boundaries feed self-worth and boundaries also come from self-worth. But if the first time we've ever laid a boundary, there's an absence of the worst. So the first one is like, I think I got this. And then that's why you need people around you are like, you got this, like we're holding strong.
And the old way of thinking is if they don't like my boundary, then the boundary wasn't good. No. You have to like your boundary. No one else has to like your boundary. And them not liking it doesn't mean the boundary is not awesome. It could be the best boundary in the world.
And I say for people who don't have boundaries that often the first things you actually need are walls because that actually delineates a self. When we've been so enmeshed in other people's experiences, we actually need to separate ourselves to discover who we are. And so actually taking space from family of origin
like parents, people who really trigger us is actually necessary in order to be like, oh, like I don't have to be in relationship with all these, they're almost like tentacles or hooks. Yeah.
Yeah, and it might not even be possible.
Yeah, boundaries have to have consequences. Otherwise, they're just suggestions. You know, like, And people who are boundary bulldozers, they know you're suggesting. They're going to test you. You know, it's Harriet Lerner who talks about, like, they do a change-back move. So as soon as you, like, do something, they try to get you to change back by doing something else.
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