Mark Groves
speaker
137 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Mark Groves’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
Trend
recordings per month · last 12 monthsNo recordings in the last 12 months.Older appearances are listed below; set an alert to hear about the next one.
Appearances
And so, you know, at the core of regulation is really, like, trust, is that do I trust that when I need to have my own back, that I have access to the resources, to my voice, to be able to say this doesn't work or this does work. And if we don't have access to our no, then our yes is really filled with small print.
So when someone says I have anxiety, anxiety is perceived to be a future-oriented experience, I always look to like, where are you not fully self-expressed? Where do you not have access to all your emotions? And, you know, just making it like more simple that there's core emotions and then there's just like different branches of those core emotions. Like, which emotions do I not have access to?
Because if you don't have access to expression, then you can't steer your life. If you can't steer your life, your life is going to go kind of rudderlessly in the direction that other people decide for you, likely the expectations of society, culture, family, all that kind of stuff.
I'd say the first one is, do I feel safe with this person? And I think it needs to be coupled with, am I also excited about pursuing this connection?
A lot of the times someone will say, what's wrong with me? I'm meeting new, reliable people and I don't want to date them or I'm like not finding a connection. And... You had mentioned this earlier. It's like no matter what emotion you're experiencing or no matter what feeling you're experiencing, it's always the doorway into something. So it's like never shame the feeling that's coming forward.
Like if someone's hesitant about getting married, you have to follow the hesitation to get to the thing that's rooted in there. It doesn't mean you're not getting married. It just means you're gonna uncover something that might need to be brought forward. Maybe there's a behavior in the other person that is actually in violation of a deep deal breaker that you haven't identified. Who knows?
But if we shame the thing we're feeling, then, you know, much like we were saying, like, if we identify as being boundaryless, then it's a lot harder to change. But if it's a collection of behaviors and survival strategies that got us exactly where we are, newsflash, they were perfect then. They did exactly what they were meant to do.
So, what I'll often say to people when they're like, oh, I'm like, what's wrong with me that I can't, first I like narcissists, now I can't even like a nice guy. It's being able to see that often there might be actually truth to your somatic response, which is that kindness isn't always clean. that sometimes kindness is contrived. Sometimes it's manipulative. It's the more fawning response.
And that's why they say like, nice guys finish last, because really the kindness is coming from a place of manipulation. So being able to say no to something, like it's better for you to say no to something that's a yes, than yes to something that's a no.
So accessing no, and when you say no to something that's a yes, you discover more about the value of the things in your life that you don't have because you don't have it, right? But if you say yes to something that's a no, you put yourself in circumstances that you actually shouldn't be.
Yeah, such a good question, and I think we all can find ourselves in that, like, how do I know if this is actually... I would definitely look at someone's relationship... Patterns.
Yeah. So if they have this sort of like, I want the excitement, the chemistry, the thing, but their history is like unreliable, liars, betrayers, cheaters, you know... Is this true for this person?
Well, what happens is the nervous system is still like we're confusing chemistry with unreliability and unpredictability. And so there's an excitation that occurs, almost like we might say in the thrill of the chase, but I would say it's in the thrill of the desire to change and the desire to finally resolve that that person will change and I will be the person that they change for.
I'll finally be enough. I'd say there's probably a father wound in there. And so what happens is that I think of this as like we've eroticized our pain. So we've actually taken what we do with the unreliability as we then experience arousal, and then the arousal treats the unreliability. So it actually numbs it. So it becomes like an erotic addiction.
Um, and so then we can't, we're not fully in our bodies. We're not able to fully feel. And this is where we can, you know, obviously things like pornography can do that. Masturbation can do that. We can use these tools when we're dysregulated as a way of regulating.
Which I wouldn't recommend porn for regulation, but... But what I'm saying is that when we actually look at someone who's reliable then coming into our life, and we're used to unreliability and this other different way of being, It is us who have to actually learn how to regulate and enter discernment. So there's a saying that the opposite of trauma is choice.
And this is why small choices like advice like, hey, you know, make your bed every day. It's not about making your bed every day. It's about when you say you're gonna do something, you do it. And so now you have evidence that you do that. When you say you're gonna go for a walk, you do it. And we might go, well, no one else knows that I said that to myself and I didn't go. Yeah, but you know.
That's actually the key piece is that you know that. Telling other people can help hold you accountable to your self-expression because of things like belonging as being a way of behavior modification. But really what has to start to happen is you start to see evidence that when you have a choice, you make it.
And so when you get, if you have a history of dating unreliable people, you just have to go to a, I don't date any unreliability. Like I have to have a zero tolerance for that. And then I'm going to start to look for where am I unreliable in my own life.
If you don't have access to it yourself, then you still won't have a standard. So when someone comes into your life who treats you as if you're not worthy, if you believe you're not worthy, that will match. Now what's interesting is whenever you tolerate someone who's ambivalent about you or inconsistent, et cetera, You have to, this is not optional.
Showing 81–100 of 137 · page 5 of 7
← Previous
Next →