Mark Groves
speaker
137 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Dec 2024
Mark Groves’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
You have to become somebody who believes they're worthy of being ambivalent about.
Everything we choose to keep in our life, we have to match with an internal narrative.
Yeah. Be interesting. Like if they had to finish the sentences, when people get close to me, they, when people are reliable, what happens? Like, is there a narrative that they get let down? And then what happens when they get let down? Are they left alone? Like, there's going to be a story of how it all plays out anyways. And how it leads to pain. Right.
I really love there's a line from Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt where they say that we usually say our relationship isn't giving me what I need instead of what does my relationship need from me to feel the way I wanted to. And I think what that, you know, as you've mentioned too, is like that level of responsibility of like, I'm going to take this on for me.
If we're feeling disconnected, you know, I think a lot of the math that, I think it's like the Gottmans, yeah, it was the Gottmans, who talk about the five to one ratio that when they looked at, so they took newlyweds, they put them in this apartment overlooking Lake Washington and they recorded their conversations. And then they followed up six years later to see if they were married or not.
And what they saw was that couples who had above a five to one positive interaction to every negative
were still together and anything below that they got divorced they were more likely to get divorced and seven eight to one was like kind of the optimal if it was too high it wasn't authentic and so what happened is is that they would actually um what they saw was that if you just change the math like if you just engage in more positive interactions then what will happen is the baseline sort of deposits that you've made in the relationship will um
will shift, just the energy of the relationship will change. If you're parents, then what often happens with parents, which I can now say this now that I'm a parent, before I had great parenting advice because I wasn't a parent, but now I can say that often what happens when a couple goes from two to three to four to five or whatever is that the couple fails to prioritize each other.
The couple should always be first. And I know that can be a real challenge, you know, depending on the dynamics, especially I think for like mother-child dynamics, that can be really hard. Of course, it's biologically meant to be. But the couple must maintain a priority. And if we've forgotten that, if we've forgotten about each other, couples grow apart all the time.
It's just like, how do we come back together? Date nights, adventure. Not just regular date nights. Don't just put on fucking Netflix and get some popcorn. No deep intimacy and connection. Go do an adventure.
And switch who's responsible for planning the adventure. You know, my wife and I, we wrote a book called Liberated Love. And in it, we talk about how like, When you actually recognize that your partner can leave you in any moment, then you see that your partner is choosing to be with you in that moment. I always think to myself often that my wife could choose anybody.
She could be with lots of guys, but she chooses to be with me. So how do I continue to be someone that is worthy of that choice? And because I consider it an honor and I consider it very sacred. And I think we can often forget that because life gets busy and we're not taught to think that way. You know, we're like, oh, I got married. I guess you can't go anywhere now.
And the divorce act is like, actually they can. Yeah. So I think when we make agreements like marriage, what happens is, is we think that It's a contract that you now don't have a choice anymore. we actually have to constantly be like, this is a choice. And I think that really liberates things. What do you think?
And both people have to be in. You know, both people have to be desiring to make the changes and to grow. I mean, I think... You know, Stan Takenu talks about how one of the greatest reasons that people get divorced is they fail to make clear agreements at the beginning. But like, who here, like, I'm 46. I got married two years ago. I had a very different level of awareness.
If I was 22 getting married, agreements? What are you talking about? What vows did I hear that are good? It's like, we actually have to, and so as you said, we could do it at any time in a relationship, but we have to create clear agreements about who do we want to be? How do we honor one another? And as you said, which is so beautiful, it was like,
Relationship with you, relationship with other, relationship with children. And the most thriving relationships prioritize the individuals and then the togetherness. Like they say, how do you become all of you through the material that this relationship brings forward? How do, it's David Data who says there's three stages of relationship. The first one is I need you. to complete me.
The second one is I don't need you. And the third one is through you, I find God. And I think of that as like, God could be self-actualization. It could be whatever you want to call it. But when we use relationship as a vehicle for total transformation, I'm actually not sure there's a more potent vehicle. I think entrepreneurship is actually pretty close.
Yeah, I always think of that word too. I would have used the term unintegrated or uninitiated maybe, all really meaning the same thing. I was listening to a talk from a researcher the other day that said testosterone as a hormone actually amplifies whatever the culture celebrates.
which is really fascinating that like in the research, if the culture was more about generosity and kindness, the more testosterone a male had, female too, but males in this conversation, it actually amplified those behaviors.
So whatever the culture desires from its men, which is really fascinating when you think about it, because I think evolutionarily, you hear women say, oh, I want a great emotionally aware, loving, kind, gentle, blah, blah, blah, but then they might not choose that. And so I think we have to always remember, much like the work with the nervous system, that we are evolutionarily programmed.
Showing 101–120 of 137 · page 6 of 7
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