Matt Fulchiron

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Austin. My mom's house. Your mom's house, dude. You know, this show is so fucking popular and I tell MCs, comics who listen to it, and I'm like, yeah, just say I'm on your mom's house when they bring me up.

And they'll always fuck it up. Like, your mama's house. Oh, yeah. Oh, we get that. Or a big house.

Totally. Yeah. Fuck this up. Yeah.

Also how lazy they are. So lazy. They don't know that that's the whole job. Yeah. Like, you're going to bomb anyway when you're an emcee, so don't bother with that. Yeah. With going over your notes. Yeah. Just memorize that shit. Say the thing. Yeah. Fucking cunt. I remember I was emceeing in Ontario one time, and I was introducing David Allen Greer, and I almost said Tommy Davidson.

It was halfway out my mouth, which I would have been just so fucking... Humiliated. It's only half racist. They were both on In Living Color. Yeah. You know what I mean? He would have got you good. Shouts out to both of them. I love them. It's my own stupidity and nervousness.

fucked up over the mistake it sucks yeah i was like because i didn't you know i didn't write it down i should have like written it on a piece of paper like it's fucking rookie to look at the paper yeah but it's a lot better than failure yes i'll tell you what man mr burman yeah it's crazy i said chelsea handler's name wrong one time she just got there she's like that's not my name but whatever yeah and then and then like i was so distraught like you're talking about and i was like i'm sorry i'm sorry she's like i don't give a

fuck yeah like some people just like a jumping off point of course that some people don't even say my last name this is give it up for matt they do it so much i have jokes about it like you know if a joke bomb i've been well you can't google me i've been with you when people have tried your last name i've been like they're so stupid well especially when you're headlining

it's not that hard there's this poster up at this place in Richland, Washington of me and it's been up there for like 12 years and my name is spelled incorrectly Full Shreon. Full Shreon. You know? And I remember this thing, like I'm holding a boom box and shit and I have cool hair. And I thought I took it home because like somebody spit on it. So I was like, I'm taking this down.

There's a fucking loogie on it.

Because I went up there and I was like, I was like, yo, what's up Kirkland? And there was like Rich Loon. And I'm like, well, we got about 44 and a half minutes left. How do you guys want to do this? Do you want to start over?

Was that before the... So before the age of taping every moment of your life, because that could be, well, you don't need to go viral. So fuck it. You need to bury that.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Why do we feel like we have to be so cool? I don't know. Our job is not to be cool. It's not to be cool. Not at all. It's the opposite of cool.

Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know who you're talking to? I was thinking about this on the way here because, you know, it brings up certain memories working with you and stuff. And I remember in San Jose and I've done this twice, but one time I was opening for you and it's the last joke. My time's done. Like you're coming out. You need to come out. You're clearly the headliner.

And I'm like, yeah, forget the punchline. Anyway, and this one dude just goes, oh, come on! Like, fucking blue balls, asshole! Like, you know, and I was like, fucking totally intimidated, but that guy actually cared. Yeah, he cared. Everybody else is like, whatever. Yeah, so was he. Bring out Tom.

I've got nothing for you. I equate it to reaching up on the shelf.

Oh my God.

That's my, just for the last, I remember it was one year. They, they brought me back like six times and I fucking murdered, like, like destroyed everybody on the whole show every single time. Like, like ruin the show for everybody else. And then on the sixth one, I just kind of did. Okay. They brought me up for a six.

And they were like, yeah, you're not going. They just wore me down. They wore you down. You know?

Yeah, so I got the Bro Adjacent tour coming up. I'm very excited about it.

Thefullcharge.com. It might be a little sloppy, but all the information's there. And no... There we go. So you go to tour dates. Oh, there we go. And all right, that's not half bad. And I also, just when my plane landed, got the ticket link for the special I'm taping in Hermosa Beach in November. Fucking start buying tickets now. It's going to be killer.

Yeah, comedy magic. The lounge. It's going to be a lounge vibe, like a fucking sleazy. Oh, here we go. All right. Vibe, sexy vibe. Got you. Hermosa. And it's happening, man. I'm very excited. That's what the tour's about. Getting that hour together. November 22nd. And just making babies.

Yeah, dog.

Right. And the Full Charge Power Hour is back in full effect. There you go. And I'm at the Full Charge on Instagram. So get to know me all over again. Get to know him. There he is. Look at him. He's doing it. Photo by Sean Nix.

Like Patreon.

As they do. As they do.

Porn is their first.

The right kind of dude. That should be y'all's retirement plan. Like one big sexual encounter on OnlyFans. Cash out. That's it.

Yeah. And be like, get out of your mom's house. It's over.

Two fat middle-aged pigs. I'm telling you.

I think it might even be about the curse word. Cause he probably didn't curse that much. Yeah.

This poor dad can never relax, dude.

Not in my house, man. I had a brother. We didn't fuck with my dad at all, man. We might have made fun of him a little bit, but Jesus Christ, dude.

Wait, that's not just a crow. That's a gargoyle. And that's beyond your relationship. That's human instinct. Kicking in, freaking out, fight or flight. You're already backed against a bed. It's fight time.

That's everybody. She sucks, dude.

It's very funny. Dude, that was like five takes. That was like cartoon level reaction. Yeah. That's why you don't date a cosplay bitch. No, dude.

that it's filmed and put on the internet oh god she hates him that guy does not have a sense of humor about it I mean it's hard enough being alive without coffee in the morning yeah you know too he probably just worked like a long shift please bitch even if he's lazy he's asleep it's bad enough when you're in a dead sleep and your kid wakes you up they stand right over us and they're like mom and I'm like that's bad enough

What is it supposed to do? Give you energy? Yeah. Because I scratch my taint all the time and it gives me nothing but shame. You're not smelling it. No, I'm smelling it. You have to smell it. You got to smell it. And then I go to the bathroom and wash my hands and I'm skipping. I get nothing. Then I'm just moping like, God damn, I need some gold bonds.

Well, I think the guy's smart. He says espresso and not expresso. Yeah, that's true. Which makes me think he's intelligent. He's intelligent. He's very well read.

The ball book.

Okay.

Oh, so gay. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. They don't act on the impulse.

Okay. Well. They all have kids. I don't have great not gaydar. But I'm guessing it's the guy in the white shirt.

Your friends that don't live in Utah.

This is insanity. It's totally insane.

Fuck some bros.

Everybody's happier. It's such an ordeal. It's like we've got to go through this whole alternate life that doesn't exist. I mean, these guys are lucky they only have one wife, too. I know. How about one of our wives is a man?

Right.

So they do like it, probably, in a way. There's some women, mostly on sitcoms, who are like, eh, not tonight, Ray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they might kind of like that aspect of it. Maybe. I don't know.

She's so cute. She's adorable. That's what's great about dudes is we're not even disgusted. We're like, yeah, she's cute.

Yeah.

I think they're either jerking it to gay porn, number one. At the minimum. That's the minimum. And I do think at least one of them has got to be going on business trips and doing his thing. Somebody's got to give. Something's got to give. Something's got to give. And it's better to cheat than to get excommunicated in this case. It's a unique case.

It sounds like it's kind of like...

Right. But also if you grow up religious, you know that like there's tons of thoughts that come into your head that you're not supposed to do. And they can just file that into that because they don't live in a society where they see a lot of gay people or think it's normal. I don't think.

Probably not.

I'm walking around in about a four all day long. I like how all the numbers were kind of similar. Yeah, I know. One of them should be contact on this list.

Come on.

This should go to 10. I think it does. I think they're cutting it off at four. When's the last time you heard of a four rating? It's either five or 10. This is TV. This is the TV version.

I think what's good about this for that guy is in the age of social media, he probably had people hitting him up like, dude, just fucking come out for the weekend, blah, blah, blah, that type of thing, you know?

Right.

Their DMs definitely blew up. Yeah. You can only turn that down about 12, 13 times before you're like, all right.

It doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. It can exist together.

Yeah.

That's why he hates jerking off. That's a good speech. That's why he hates porn. To the Mormon gays out there. God doesn't hate your cum.

He just hates when there's no babies with the cum. Have you been in a Waymo yet? I have not. I've seen them around and skeptical. I want to try it. I'm at about a one on Wego's. I look twice. I've seen them everywhere.

I'll finally go viral.

All right. Everybody wants everything, and everyone is taping everything, and this is insane.

Also, if you know- You should have one, too. I should get one, just in case. I don't have any friends. Fat friends. I don't drive anybody around, except my wife. That's it, dude.

Like a condom in the wallet.

that helps that does but that's too much work just buying a seatbelt extender is less work i've never seen a seatbelt extender for sale um probably get it on amazon or whatever oh you get everything yeah yeah right it's true

I mean, yeah, he knew, you know, he probably didn't have the right accommodation.

I think a classic car is good, even though it's built for skinny people.

They're big, big, long bench seats.

And no seatbelts. Perfect. Yeah.

No, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, yeah. You need a low-rided... SUV, but then if you're heavy, that's just going to make you scrape going up a little ramp or whatever.

In the back. You get in the flatbed. That's a scene. That's a sight. That's a good idea.

Little baby pool.

My Uber driver picked me up in a pickup truck.

Oh, my God.

It's a new era of, no, the law don't apply to me. I'm out.

But she deserves it, right?

It's so funny on the show, but it's so fucking frustrating in real life.

That's true.

Short and sweet. Yeah.

I had a hit and run. My car got totaled. What? On Los Feliz Boulevard. I had a Chrysler 300. You saw it. Yeah. When? This is in 2015. I only had it for like six months and it was like the coolest car in the world for me because I would never buy it myself.

But like a friend had it and I bought it from him cheap and I'm like cruising in a Chrysler 300. Just love it. Just baller. Yeah, yeah. And I park it on Los Feliz Boulevard and... And I come out in the morning, and it's total. It's legitimately total. You can't fix it. That's that. And then somehow the car that hit it kept going. Damn. Nutty. Fucking nutty. It's insane. Definitely drunks.

Oh, my God. Drunks, too. Demolished it. Dude.

It is. Yeah. It definitely is. I think I even heard it, but I was like, it didn't seem like it applied to me. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Then I went to bed. Good night. And woke up, and I was like, oh, shit. Fuck, dude. Did you get like a- I got so much money from it. You did? Yeah. Okay. Good. That's cool.

That's your whole life practically.

I think we're looking at a society that lives like this now. Not everybody, but some people.

honorable and cool and especially especially about vehicles yeah like that's like a church like your vehicle is an extension of yourself yeah and you you extend that courtesy to people because you want it coming back your way dude when we were i got in a hit and run drunks yeah blew the red light and hit my car i was doing the right thing they were doing the wrong thing my children were in the car oh

That's nice.

He's a nice guy.

Okay. Yeah, sure. As if the pee video wasn't.

I don't want any part of that oh man I don't like that either you know did you used to do that stuff I know you used to skateboard I was a skateboarder so I didn't have time for this nonsense I was destroying my body in other ways did you ever get really hurt skateboarding fuck yeah all the time dude I can't believe I used to do it.

Like you're, you're, you're falling from the top of a half pipe all the way to the flat bottom, like nine, 10 feet. And that's not even the biggest ramps to skate. And you're just landing on your hip. One time I flew off the side of a half pipe and landed right on a jump ramp that was like this.

Took the nest tee plunge right on, on top of this. Like you name it, dude. I rolled ankles. Yeah. Uh, never broke any bones. And I fucked myself up in 2020. I fucked up my hand skateboarding and I'm like, I made it this far. I'm not pushing this. This is stupid. Because you can't just do it all willy-nilly once every three months. You're going to get killed.

I've seen... That's what I'm trying not to say. You've got to be like Tony Hawk. He got fucked up. I know. Tony Hawk got fucked up. And even the last documentary was kind of a dark thing where Stacey Peralta, his mentor, was like, he's going to hurt himself. He's kind of got to slow down. But Tony Hawk can't slow down because... He's just got it in him, you know? It's just one of those things.

Yeah.

It's like the movie The Wrestling, but way better. Sorry, Tony. I love you. I love you, Tony.

Oh, no.

Is this her first time?

I did so much better. Even as a child.

She's just fucked. Get up! Or stay still, one or the other.

Yeah.

Then she gets up there and somebody pees on her.

My God. Yeah. I did the stair master for about a half an hour. You know, got some exercise. That's the equivalent of like 10 stories. I fell down the Empire State Building. Stairwell today. Do you really worry about that?

Yeah. There's a lot that can go wrong with an escalator. Fuck. Oh, that was so good. That was incredible entertainment, though. It sucks, you know, you sit down and you write and you write and you write, but how can you top that? I know.

What if you live your whole life and you're a great person, you've done all these things, you've raised a family, and then this is your moment? This is your moment.

And she's like, well, at least that's over. Yeah.

Oh, someone is filming this. See how it went sideways? But it looks fixed. Yeah, you're right.

I'm almost out.

Roy, you got to check this out, man. Look at her.

You're there.

And then what's your reward? You get to go to Target after this? We think the head's got to be fucked up.

She's missing some serious instincts that it requires to be a human being. Yeah, how does she... Because theoretically, it's easier than stairs.

Yeah. Like, that's not... She's leaning back.

I had no idea, you know, this type of thing needs instructions, but clearly, some people could take a class.

Your back. I mean, it's your back.

It's strong, but... You're done. That's how you do it. Yeah. That's how you do it. Well, that's how you quit gymnastics. That's how you quit. Yeah, right. Force quit. Right. No, you're done. But you have to quit gymnastics pretty early anyway.

Are we watching a terrorist attack right now?

Oh, okay.

Well, that counts for something. Yeah. That's like a percentage here. He liked it. Serious percentage here.

Can we watch the pee video again?

She's fine. She got up.

If it starts with Hitler, it ends with terrorism. Yeah.

Okay.

Let me find you something.

I can get a crack rock for $50. Am I inclined to buy it? She's like, this is why we're fat? Yeah. That's her point. She's saying it's too easy to be fat, so you've got to be fat. It's a compelling argument.

It's so easy. And $113 is still kind of a lot for all that shitty food. None of it even looked good.

I wonder if he keeps the crucifix necklace on.

It's cute. I thought it was light, cute, fun. Everybody wins. She has a job. He gets to jerk off. Yeah, come on. It's a happy ending. How do you not like that? How do you not like that?

God damn it. That's what I'm talking about.

You guys are the best. Let's find that car that hit me. All right. We'll see you guys later. So much to do.