Matt Lieb

And then they're like, oh, fuck, I didn't get to do what I wanted to do with my life. And now I'm miserable.

I mean, it's just like, I just look back now at my own childhood and I'm like, God damn it, if I can think of one friend where I knew what they wanted to do for a career, I don't think we ever talked about like, what's your career going to be? No one was like, I'm a doctor. You know, it was mostly just like, you know, how's your hip hop album working out? And they're like, good.

And you're like, cool. And that was the whole thing. That's interesting.

But once I do in a public school. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I went to public school, you know, my entire life. And I think most of my friends didn't. Either wanted to they were either going to go into the army or they were or they wanted to be famous musicians and or athletes.

I'm just saying like a level of ambition at a very, very young age has always been a turnoff for me when it comes to like friends, because it's just they always have that like sense where they're trying to get your some sort of stepping stone into their whatever their career path is. And I don't like it.

I don't know. I'm just going to take a break, have a gap year and join the military of a foreign country.

They got to stop trying to have their own thing.

Yeah, this is very there's a lot of foreshadowing going on. There's some foreshadowing.

It's at least three boards.

Yeah, I got zero boards under my belt.

We really should find a board just to get us some certifications, guys.

If you're a board out there, please.

Is there a board in the Universal Life Church? Because I am a minister slash Jedi Knight.

All right. I'm board certified. Can you get me painkillers? You know, I know a guy. That sounds legal enough.

yeah um yeah 11 patents is pretty good seriously one might say he's the wizard of oz there i think i read like six articles with variations of that title on the guy all right well i gotta go then bye guys it's just a fake journalist can't fucking help themselves oh you can't help yourself if you're anybody you see oz and you're like i gotta call him a wizard gotta call him a wizard

Basically, how old is he at this point? He's in his 30s. Oh, man.

I mean, I don't know how to measure that, but he's he's very good. I mean, I don't know any other heart surgeons by name. So, fuck. Yeah. He's the guy. Yeah.

The kidney meridian? Yeah, you got to get that meridian. That's the best part of the kidney is the meridian. That's the most delicious part of the kidney is the meridian.

I mean, this all feels like he's going to start turning his patients into foie gras. And I'm very excited for what's to come. This heel turn that he's going to take.

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

And he's the smartest doctor in the world. It's like one of those things where you're like, I feel like this is wrong, but I don't know enough to dispute it. So I'm going to let him fuck with my kidney meridian.

And it seems like from what I can tell, that sounded non-invasive. It's not.

They were throwing, you know, crystals and doing fucking pendulums over over him.

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

Doctors fucking teach. That's what they do.

Just gifted money and just said. Start a magic doctor in school.

You know, you can't blame people for trying to try any other alternative to, I mean, you know, something in which there is no cure in modern medicine.

I'd like to think that even at a hospital or a research facility with Western medicine, that they still peer review and try out different, you know, like alternative medicines. Right. You know, like some of them, some of them work. Some of them work like there was a time when, you know, acupuncture was seen as kind of like a crock.

The inimitable Matt Lieb. Hey, what's going on?

And now it's like kind of just a standard part of Western medicine. It's just, you know, so.

I'm doing well. I'm excited to be here. Big fan of the pod. Love me some bastards. And you are, you do a Sopranos podcast and the name is, I believe, Pod Yourself a Gun? That's right. Pod Yourself a Gun.

So I can't tell you how nervous I would be going into a lung transplant procedure and then hearing like this doctor's got to do a heart after you and then got a flight to Boston. I'd be like, you think you could maybe take your time with this, bro? Like, could I get that?

We're the world's only Sopranos podcast. Don't go looking for any other ones because they do not exist.

Yeah, he's got his dad in the back of his head.

Telling him to murder that kid in the ice cream shop. Yeah, to kill that. Fuck it. Kill that fucking kid. He doesn't know what he wants to be. I mean, I imagine that would create a bit of a problem later in life with stillness.

When you said the rock doc, I got concerned. I thought it was going to, like, replace people's hearts with crystals and shit. And I was like, oh, no, oh, no.

Oh, my God. I swear. She's like she seemed like she is just describing her own feelings and then just ascribing them to an open heart.

I should check in the vibes, dude. She's checking the vibes, just making sure, you know, the vibe dipstick is filled with oil.

I don't know what Reiki is. I've heard of it. Is it like when Mr. Miyagi rubs his hands together and then he puts his warm hand?

Yeah. You woke up with a blue moon in your eye and you decided I'm going to go get myself a gun.

Man, we are just veering into anti-vax territory and like anti-mask territory. People who just they Google stuff and then they go, this article right here says that masks actually cause COVID.

Yeah.

My God, it's just like it's a real life Facebook group. You know, it's just like everyone already believes in all the stuff and they just keep like just cosigning each other's bullshit.

They do it at least once. And and it's great. Yeah.

Go with God. That's all great. You want to relieve pain, try some morphine though, dog, because that shit, oh my God. And there's no downsides to morphine.

I can't think of one downside to morphine. Not a single one. It just feels good the whole time and you just need to take more.

Yeah. The Russian.

I mean, energy is great, but Plavix works wonders. Plavix is a lot better.

Yeah, it's a slippery slope to that, you know, downing that brain octane oil. Exactly.

No, they spend that whole episode literally like dying of like cold and they're lost in the woods. But they spend all the time talking about how they're starving because they haven't eaten in 12 hours. It's the most Italian thing in the world. But I want to hear about this gun.

Yeah.

Yeah. He's doing great work so far, you know, despite the little weird hard stuff.

A little bit of energy, a little bit of heart surgery. It works out.

Man, that is... I mean, I'm low-key impressed that he impressed Oprah with the doo-doo shapes.

They love talking about doo-doo. That's the thing.

Yeah. I worked at this, this, uh, digital, uh, what do you call it? Like a digital production company. And the, the most famous person that we dealt with was a famous Facebook mom who had millions of followers and I would watch her stuff. And I was like, this is, you know, uh, Maybe the most awful shit I've ever seen is just a lady in a car yelling at people about kids. Yeah.

And but she was a famous mom. I mean, if you can become a famous mom, you will be one of the most famous people in the country.

Yeah, they're like, hey, listen, you can do that to people of color, but those are moms.

Those are white moms. That could be my mother. Yeah.

Who would have thought he'd be a bastard? A TV doctor?

No, they take an oath. TV doctors, they say do no harm and get good ratings. That's the Hippocratic Oath.

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

All right.

Dox me, baby.

He's definitely America's Doctor. Just appealing to the lowest common denominator, the stupidest human beings on Earth.

Eat more bread. Everybody eat bread.

Stop defending Dr. Oz, Robert.

You're very fair.

Say what you will. He was a vegetarian, and that's good for the environment.

Yeah.

I mean, I love that. It's literally sounds like an hour long special of people just thanking him, which might be the most narcissistic thing I think I've ever heard. Yeah. I mean, like, it's one thing for Oprah to do that because I think America does legitimately owe her thanks for just years of content, you know, but years of mostly dangerous health based content. Oh, yeah.

No, I mean, it's awful content. But the fact is, it's it's quantity over quality in America. And, you know, but yeah. An hour of just thanking Dr. Oz and having people come up to him like, you saved me. It's fucking wild.

Oh, of the Brazilian of gods.

Yeah. No, I did not watch him on Jeopardy, but I have seen the show and had no idea he was a bastard.

Oh, wow. You know, there's always that point. You know, I've listened to your show and there's always that point in the episode where the comedian or the guest has no other option but to just say, fuck, that sucks, dude. There's no other comment. But what? Oh, that's crazy. But, you know, hey, John of God, Dr. Oz, they're they all sound like great people.

Yeah, because he's got to keep up all those TV dates.

And in America, that is the ultimate marker of doing the right thing. Yeah.

If you make a lot of money, then whatever you're doing is the right thing to do. Yeah. It's morally correct to make a lot of money.

Is it the products and services? No, my man. It's you. Because the episode's over.

Yeah, that's very nice. Here I thought you were just trying to get me to talk about products and services. Well, thank you for having me on. I have a product and or service called Pod Yourself a Gun. It's a Sopranos podcast. And yeah, if you like the Sopranos or even if you don't, check it out on the, you know, wherever the podcast store is. Podcast.

I kept just kind of asking everybody, anyone else think this is strange?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I agree. They're not hot. I've always said they're not hot enough. They're not hot. I look at them.

Yes.

Doctors who fuck. That's the next level of health care in America. It won't be universal health care, but at least doctors will look fuckable.

That's so sad. It's always sad when like an amazing doctor is a piece of shit. This is like how I felt when Ben Ben Carson turned out to be a Trump guy. I was like, but you're so good at the brain.

Yeah. Yeah, they're the ones who think they're gods, right? They essentially have a god complex and they'll be really good at one thing and then they'll also think that they're good at like politics and shit like that.

That's great. It just makes me glad that I never, you know, got really proficient in any one skill. Never gain skills. I never ever learn how to do things. You'll become too smart for yourself and think that you are God.

Snake oil salesman?

He's like a true lift yourself up by your bootstraps kind of guy.

Yeah. Good for him. Started from the bottom and now he's on TV selling.

the fuck like that's way too much stock into the year of what animal the year of the rat at least he wasn't born into the year of the pig and he's like well you what you got to do is you got to take your snout and put it into the trough of life and just you really got to just shove your face into food yeah as hard as you can you roll around in the shit and then you hope that someday you find another piggy to fuck and then you have little piglets it's like i was born in the year of the pig and that's why i dispose of bodies for the mob it's just

That's what you do. Well, that's a it's a nice take on year of the rat for him.

Yeah. Like straight having like nervous breakdowns just from like trying to get good grades. Right. Once again, don't get good at anything. It's not worth it. Don't develop skills. Don't develop skills. You'll get seizures. You're at risk of seizures. You're at risk of your of your dad not loving you.

Stop caring about your dad, you know? Just coast.

Yeah, start a Sopranos podcast. Start a Sopranos podcast. That's all you've got to do, dude.

Mamet, go kill that kid. Kill that kid. Murder that loser kid and tell me what you want to do with your life. God damn. That is way too much pressure. Way, way too much pressure to put on a kid. And it seems like the kids like that always end up becoming the like going into the career that their father wanted them to do. And then eventually their dad dies.

There's a bunch of shit you can't explain. Magnets.

Right.

Millions of people gather around.

Yeah. Especially when you're a doctor on TV.

Other than a very well-educated man.

Yeah. oh my god i love it too just like yeah i was amazed by his ability to look into my eyes and diagnose that my dad will never love me how did he know how did he know it does bring me joy that prince charles got fucked with because fuck prince charles

It said the same thing. It said, your dad will never love you. That's all he does. He goes to famous people and he goes, your dad will never love you. Your dad will never love you so much.

Exactly. Like it stops people from stuttering. Do more cocaine. I mean, yeah, just the idea. And I've always found this in general to be the biggest load of horse shit is when people have, have said, you know, this is like an ancient healing technique.

And it's like, you mean like bleeding people with leeches, you know, you mean like cutting off someone's leg because he got a fucking, a small infection on his toe.

Yeah. Yeah. You're the guy. You're the person.

You're you.

Most famous doctor in America.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's he has a literal responsibility to tell people that these guys are full of shit. But he also has a responsibility to his show sponsors and to the network for ratings.

Yeah. They base that on what? Like, did people call in to say how many pounds they've lost to the show?

Yeah, but shit, I could have told you that. Give me a TV show. Yeah, you don't have to be a doctor to say that.

Eat better, piggies.

Yeah, I don't trust me. So they won't give me the show, but they should because.

Man, I mean, he's getting there. I'm watching him slowly go from Mehmet to Mengele. Come on, let him be Mengele.

I get that you want to be fair, Robert, but let's go for it.

But no, we're watching it turn into a snake oil salesman, and it's very exciting.

Yes, I've seen this.

Just a Miller High life.

Mulberry, laudanum.

Oh, my God. I mean, first of all, did you say melatonin brownies? Yeah, buddy. What the fuck? I want to eat and just get tired immediately. That is very strange. Here's the thing about brownies. I've never eaten one and been like, I just want to relax. Like, no, I'm trying to get a little sugar rush.

Listen, pot brownies are very different. It's not it's not the same as relaxation. Like one is like an ambient brownie and the other one is like a brownie that makes you hungry for more brownies. Pot brownies make sense.

I mean, I guess I'd rather do that than just swallow an Ambien.

It's bad for your health. I'll tell you that much.

Which is crazy that literally a relaxation drink could be contraindicated for your prescription medication.

Goddamn.

Dude, I'm about to live to 200 years old. I ain't never dying, motherfucker. I ain't never dying. I get one out at least once a day.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it sex? Because he didn't say nothing about sex. He said orgasms. And I do that on my own.

Yeah, he's turning it into like pretending he has quantifiable data and that like correlation and correlation is causation like that. Yeah, that's that's what he's trying to do.

It's nice to think it, though. It is nice to think.

ink it i'm going to print out that article show it to my girlfriend and say hey you got to help me live longer you know not coming enough i'm gonna die we gotta do this more yeah just start fucking in public and when the cops come be like this is medicine yeah do you want me to die six years earlier than i should i have a right to this exactly dr oz said i should fuck more

I mean, it's like this all feels very much like... when trump was telling everyone about uh the wonders of hydro uh hydroxychloroquine and then people are eating fucking fish food or like fish tank cleaner and dying and people like how could how could people be so stupid and it's like people are stupid you you can't tell them to eat the fucking fishbowl cleaner

I mean, it is medical malpractice whether or not he's legally liable for it or not. I would agree.

Man, that's really bad. Did he have like an alternative or was he just like decided one day that Plavix was going to be the thing?

Yeah, yeah. Eat some beans and put your face in some boiled water and you should be fine.

You know, Dr. Oz, the TV doctor said, I don't need this medicine. I just need more acai in my belly.

I want to talk to ghosts. I'm going to stop taking my Plavix and die of a stroke.

True is true. Yeah, absolutely. 100% true. Yeah. How you exploit it is a very different thing.

Gotta love a good like coin flip on whether or not he's fucking lying to you and having an adverse effect on your health.

But he would reframe it to be like, I'm batting 500 here and 500. That's a good batting.

He's giving us alternatives to dealing with the bureaucracy of medical institutions in this country. I have a Kaiser and I had to go to a rheumatologist and I tried to get a hold of him on the phone and they sent me through six different call centers to finally get to his office. Specific office. And then I asked the lady, oh, can I get the extension so that I don't have to deal with that?

And she's like, oh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that. And so now now I'm just recording every phone call and just, you know, freestyling to the hold music. Because it's the only thing I can do. I'm like, you know what? I might as well turn this into content because this is fucking ridiculous.

You know, there's like the amount of bullshit you have to go through makes people like Dr. Oz feel like a good alternative.

What is it about giving people three hours of uninterrupted airtime? You know, there's just something about it.

Get like bones. You can fly like a bird.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he's not wrong. He's not wrong.

Yes, yes, yeah. And there should legally only be one Sopranos podcast allowed, which, as it turns out, is the case.

I love when people say things like it's natural. It's like I think cyanide is natural. There's a lot of like natural poisons out there. Fucking snake venom is natural.

Oh, my God.

God, I. Yeah, it's amazing. I'm just talking about I'm just asking the question.

I love it. I love people are like, I'm just asking the question.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude, you're living the unregulated dream right now. Yeah.

What I need to do is cut deals with specific companies so that you can only be taking their bone density loss drugs. Yeah, exactly. Good call.

it's a hell yeah dude that's like yeah of the like anti-cancel culture letter you know they're just like stop trying to cancel dr oz it's freedom of speech your freedom of speech yeah i mean doctors also are held to different standards than the rest of us they take an oath

Yeah. It's on you if you listen to your crazy uncle Jimbo. It is definitely on the doctor if he recommends you lose some bone density so that you look better in that dress.

God, he's Alex Jones-ing it.

He's Jones-ing it hard.

But you know it. And you can, you know, fucking you don't need a Dr. Oz to tell you that. You know, you just know.

It's traditional medicine. Yeah, this is really good for all of my kidney meridians.

Feel my kidneys. Feel my kidneys. It's just like, why is your kidney swollen?

She was the only one who had the guts to stand up to Dr. Oz.

I love that a bipartisan decision is just like, let's share... This grifter, you know, between administrations like good, you know, got to all agree that you should be able to lie about health care as an MD.

He said two to three percent as if that's not a huge number of people. He's losing his goddamn mind.

Yeah, it's it's it's it's pretty wild to just look at two to three percent of the country as like expendable. If it means that my fucking dirtbag ass fifth grader can be stuck inside in a school all day. And listen, I get it. People with kids, they want their kids to go back to school. But you don't say the quiet part out loud.

And it's weird to like, you know, be like, all right, it was a poor choice of words. And it's like, bro, at this point, saying words out loud to millions of people is your job.

Fucking fix some hearts already. Stop talking.

The Dorm Room Diet. It's just free pizza and dick.

We've all been there.

There's always one Matt Damon who's writing most of Good Will Hunting and then there's a Ben Affleck who gets top booking.

He's literally one year away from wanting to be buried with his cats. You know, like this dude wants some pyramids and some live cats in a casket with him. This is he's a pharaoh.

And it's the one thing he's good at. I mean, I almost... And he's amazing at it.

Right. Yeah.

yeah no that that is bad that is that is definitely immoral to to like have the ability it's like being superman and having the ability to save someone from a burning building but being like fuck dude i'm kind of on my way to do this tv interview that's gonna get me more yeah but i'm gonna sell people pills instead what

It's such a sick way of looking at it, too. It's really fucked up. I'm already really good at it, so I decided... I want to go get into TV now.

I mean, it depends on the movie. But yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess he got tired of helping people and was like, you know, time to make some fucking bank. Yeah, it's I mean, it's not just make some bank, but he's like, man, I saved 10,000 lives. I'm going to have to kill 10,000 just to fucking net neutral this shit. You know, yeah, you know, he's just trying to he's trying to balance the scales of his good and evil.

Yeah. He's so handsome, though, dude.

He's very handsome. He made a lot of money. So that's good. And, you know, he's he's he's out there every day given given hope to people who are currently dying of a very, very treatable ailment and saying, no, dog, put your feet in some hot rice.

Yeah, it's especially since it's it's again, he he has the God given skills to actually do good and help people. And he chooses, you know, this shit. And I gotta say, I blame his dad.

You fucked up, dude. I mean, you did a great job by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and yada yada. But, you know, maybe you should have maybe you should have maybe been more encouraging for him to just maybe, you know, pick one thing and stay with it rather than, you know, venture off into television. I will say, at least with the true crime stuff.

that I know he's a little bit getting into our territory here with the podcast business, and I don't like that. But I'm glad I don't have a true crime podcast that he's currently cannibalizing. If he starts a Sopranos one... I will lose my fucking mind. If Dr. Oz decides one day, like I want to do a prestige TV rewatch show for CNN, that'll be it, dude. Oz, you'll be on my goddamn list.

Well, I mean, he's doing a true crime show. That's as close as you get to the podcast business.

You know what I'm saying? Those are the number one pods out there, dude. Pisses me off.

Yeah.

My name is Matt Lieb and, you know, I'm on Instagram. Matt Lieb jokes. Graham. Yeah, I'm on the gram. I'm also on Twitter at Matt Lieb. But follow me on Instagram. And yeah. And if you like the Sopranos, pod yourself a gun.

Oh, God. But but like but like what number, though, because you wonder what how high are you, motherfucker? Yeah, come on.

He's cool, dude. He's living life in the most drab way possible. Just trying to make TV shows and do heart surgeries. Who has time to enjoy anything when you're dead? Joyless, efficient eating.

If you want to eat monkey food... Eat monkey food. But don't, you know, be surprised when I judge you. You know, like it's that's weird.

I mean, really, though, like at some point you run out of shit to talk about and you have to just be like, oh, pendulums over the heart. Do they work?

I mean, just like there's only so many organs to talk about, you know, after a while you just got to invent shit.

When you run out of bastards, eventually you just got to find one on TV.

We all need off weeks. That is one of my favorite, absolutely real documents to read.

Yeah, I'm actually one of the elders of Zion, and I got some protocols for you.

Yeah, people were at least testing it out.

You know, it depends how they're talking. If you go up to a dead body and start talking to it, you are technically talking to the dead.

I'd like to think that even at a hospital or research facility with Western medicine, that they still peer review and try out different, you know, like alternative medicines. Right.

Some of them work. Some of them work. Like there was a time when, you know, acupuncture was seen as kind of like a crock. And now it's like kind of just a standard part of Western medicine. It's just, you know, so.

So I can't tell you how nervous I would be going into a lung transplant procedure and then hearing like this doctor's got to do a heart after you and then got to fly to Boston. I'd be like, you think you could maybe take your time with this, bro? Like, could I get that?

Yeah, he's got his dad in the back of his head.

Telling him to murder that kid in the ice cream shop.

Yeah. Kill that fucking kill that fucking kid. He doesn't know what he wants to be.

I mean, I imagine that would create a bit of a problem later in life with stillness.

When you said the rock doc, I got concerned. I thought it was going to, like, replace people's hearts with crystals and shit. And I was like, oh, no, oh, no.

Oh, my God. I swear she's like she seemed like she is just describing her own feelings and then just ascribing them to an open heart.

I'm checking the vibes, dude. She's checking the vibes, just making sure, you know, the vibe dipstick is filled with oil.

I don't know what Reiki is. I've heard of it. Is it like when Mr. Miyagi rubs his hands together and then he puts his warm hand?

Man, we are just veering into anti-vax territory and like anti-mask territory. People who just they Google stuff and then they go, this article right here says that masks actually cause COVID.

My God, it's just like it's a real life Facebook group. You know, it's just like everyone already believes in all the stuff and they just keep like just co-signing each other's bullshit.

Go with God. That's all great. But, I mean, you want to relieve pain, try some morphine, though, dog, because that shit, oh, my God. And there's no downsides to morphine. That's the best part of it. I can't think of one downside to morphine. Not a single one.

It just feels good the whole time, and you just need to take more.

Yeah, it's a slippery slope to that, you know, downing that brain octane oil. You know, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah. He's doing great work so far.

Despite the little weird hard stuff. Fine. A little bit of energy, a little bit of heart surgery. It works out.

Man, that is... I mean, I'm low-key impressed that he impressed Oprah with the doo-doo shapes.

They love talking about doo-doo. That's the thing.

Yeah. I worked at this, this, uh, digital, uh, what do you call it? Like a digital production company. And the, the most famous person that we dealt with was a famous Facebook mom who had millions of followers and I would watch her stuff. And I was like, this is, you know, uh, maybe the most awful shit I've ever seen. It was just a lady in a car yelling at people about kids. Yeah.

And it, but the, she was a famous mom. I mean, if you can become a famous mom, you will be one of the most famous people in the country.

They're like, like, hey, listen, you can do that to people of color. But those are moms.

Those are white moms. Those are white moms. That could be my mother.

Dox me, baby.

He's definitely America's doctor. Just appealing to the lowest common denominator, the stupidest human being.

Eat more bread. Everybody eat bread.

Stop defending Dr. Oz, Robert.

You're very fair.

Say what you will. He was a vegetarian. And that's good for the environment.

I mean, I love that. It's literally sounds like an hour long special of people just thanking him, which might be the most narcissistic thing I think I've ever heard. I mean, it's one thing for Oprah to do that because I think America does legitimately owe her thanks for just years of content.

Oh, yeah. No, I mean, it's awful content. But the fact is, it's quantity over quality in America. Yeah. An hour of just thanking Dr. Oz and having people come up to him like, you saved me. It's fucking wild.

Oh, of the Brazilian of gods.

Oh, wow. You know, there's always that point. You know, I've listened to your show and there's always that point in the episode where the comedian or the guest has no other option but to just say, fuck, that sucks, dude. There's no other comment. But what? Oh, that's crazy. But, you know, hey, John of God, Dr. Oz, they're they all sound like great people.

Yeah. And in America, that is the ultimate marker of doing the right thing.

If you make a lot of money, then whatever you're doing is the right thing to do. Yeah. It's morally correct to make a lot of money.

Is it the products and services? No, my man. It's you. Because the episode's over.

Yeah, that's very nice. Here I thought you were just trying to get me to talk about products and services. Well, thank you for having me on. I have a product and or service called Pod Yourself a Gun. It's a Sopranos podcast. And yeah, if you like the Sopranos or even if you don't, check it out on the, you know, wherever the podcast store is.

What is it about giving people three hours of uninterrupted airtime? You know, there's just something about it.

Yeah. Yeah. One podcast. Yes. Yeah. And and there should legally only be one Sopranos podcast allowed, which, as it turns out, is the case.

There's always one Matt Damon who's writing most of Good Will Hunting and then there's a Ben Affleck who gets top booking.

Am I enough for you, Papa?

Oh, God. But but like but like what number, though? Because you wonder what how high are you, motherfucker?

He's cool, dude. He's living life in the most drab way possible. Just trying to make TV shows and do heart surgeries. Who has time to enjoy anything when you're dead? Joyless, efficient eating.

If you want to eat monkey food, eat monkeys. But don't be surprised when I judge you. You know, like it's that's weird.

I mean, really, though, like at some point you run out of shit to talk about and you have to just be like, oh, pendulums over the heart. Do they work?

I mean, just like there's only so many organs to talk about, you know, after a while you just got to invent shit.

God. We all need off weeks. That is one of my favorite, absolutely real documents to read.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm actually one of the elders of Zion, and I got some protocols for you.

Yeah, people were at least testing it out.

You know, it depends how they're talking. If you go up to a dead body and start talking to it, you are technically talking to the dead.

Hey!

Someone get me a crystal.

is almost exactly what he said about john of god the guy who raped hundreds of people yeah that's how you know like to stay far away from anything when he's just like man this is uh this is a brand new groundbreaking territory and you can go all right guys it's a rapist run

Yeah. Especially when you're a doctor on TV.

Other than a very well-educated man. A doctor. You're a doctor, Mehmet.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I love it, too. I was amazed by his ability to look into my eyes and diagnose that my dad will never love me.

How did he know? How did he know?

Oh, yeah.

It said the same thing. It said, your dad will never love you. That's all he does. He goes to famous people and he goes, your dad will never love you.

Exactly. Like it stops people from stuttering. Do more cocaine. Yeah. I mean, yeah, just the idea. And I've always found this in general to be the biggest load of horse shit is when people have have said, you know, this is like an ancient healing technique. And it's like you mean like bleeding people with leeches?

You know, you mean like cutting off someone's leg because he got a fucking a small infection on his toe? Ancient.

Yeah. Yeah. You're the guy. You're the person.

You're you.

Most famous doctor in America.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's he has a literal responsibility to tell people that these guys are full of shit. But he also has a responsibility to his show sponsors and to the network for ratings.

I think that's got to be the first time. That's got to be the first time it's ever actually been a relevant segue.

Yeah. They base that on what? Like, did people call in to say how many pounds they've lost to the show?

Yeah, but shit, I could have told you that. Give me a TV show. Yeah, you don't have to be a doctor to say that. You don't have to be a doctor to know that shit. Eat better, piggies.

Yeah, I don't trust me. So they won't give me the show, but they should because.

Man, I mean, he's getting there. I'm watching him slowly go from Mehmet to Mengele.

Come on, let him be Mengele.

I get that you want to be fair, Robert, but let's go for it.

We're watching him turn into a snake oil salesman, and it's very exciting.

Just a Miller High life.

Oh, my God. I mean, first of all, did you say melatonin brownies? Yeah, buddy. What the fuck? I want to eat and just get tired immediately. That is very strange. Here's the thing about brownies. I've never eaten one and been like, I just want to relax. Like, no, I'm trying to get a little sugar rush.

Listen, pot brownies are very different. It's not it's not the same as relaxation. Like one is like an ambient brownie and the other one is like a brownie that makes you hungry for more brownies. Pot brownies make sense.

I mean, I guess I'd rather do that than just swallow an Ambien.

It's bad for your health. I'll tell you that much.

Which is crazy that literally a relaxation drink could be contraindicated for your prescription medication.

Goddamn.

Dude, I'm about to live to 200 years old.

I ain't never dying, motherfucker. I ain't never dying.

I get one out at least once a day.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it sex? Because he didn't say nothing about sex. He said orgasms. And I do that on my own.

Yeah, he's turning it into pretending he has quantifiable data and that correlation is causation. That's what he's trying to do.

Yeah. They're not dying alone.

It's nice to think it, though.

I'm going to print out that article, show it to my girlfriend and say, hey, you got to help me live longer. You know?

We got to do this more.

Yeah. Do you want me to die six years earlier than I should?

Dr. Oz said I should fuck more.

I mean, it's like this all feels very much like

when trump was telling everyone about uh the wonders of hydro uh hydroxychloroquine oh yeah we're gonna talk about that later and then people are eating fucking fish food or like fish tank cleaner and dying and people like how could how could people be so stupid and it's like people are stupid you you can't tell them to eat the fucking fishbowl cleaner

I mean, it is medical malpractice whether or not he's legally liable for it or not. I would agree.

Man, that's really bad. Did he have like an alternative or was he just like decided one day that Plavix was going to be the thing?

Yeah, yeah. Eat some beans and put your face in some boiled water and you should be fine.

The TV doctor said, I don't need this medicine. I just need more acai in my belly.

I'm going to stop taking my Plavix and have a stroke.

True is true. Yeah, absolutely. One hundred percent true. Yeah.

Gotta love a good coin flip on whether or not he's fucking lying to you and having an adverse effect on your health.

But he would reframe it to be like, I'm batting 500 here. And you'd be like, ooh, 500. That's a good batting average.

He's giving us alternatives to dealing with the bureaucracy of medical institutions in this country. I have a Kaiser and I had to go to a rheumatologist and I tried to get a hold of him on the phone and they sent me through six different call centers to finally get to his office.

specific office and then i asked the lady oh can i get the extension so that i don't have to deal with that and she's like oh sorry we're not allowed to do that and so now now i'm just uh recording every phone call and just you know freestyling to the hold music Because it's the only thing I can do. I'm like, you know what?

I might as well turn this into content because this is fucking ridiculous. You know, there's like the amount of bullshit you have to go through makes people like Dr. Oz feel like a good alternative.

And then he just pulled out a wad of money and he just started making it rain all over Congress.

Get light bones. You can fly like a bird. Mm hmm.

I love when people say things like, it's natural. It's like, I think cyanide is natural. There's a lot of natural poisons out there. Fucking snake venom is natural.

Oh, my God.

I'm just talking about it. I'm just asking the question.

Yeah. I love it. I love people are like, I'm just asking the question.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude, you're living the unregulated dream right now.

yeah what i need to do is cut deals with specific companies so that you can only be taking their bone density lost drugs yeah i mean exactly good call fucking amazing yeah

Yeah, it's on you if you listen to your crazy uncle Jimbo. It is definitely on the doctor if he recommends you lose some bone density so that you look better in that dress.

God, he's Alex Jonesing it.

But you know it. And you can, you know, fucking you don't need a Dr. Oz to tell you that. You know, you just know.

It's smoked. What could be so bad with smoking ham? It's smoked. It's good for my Q zone. It's traditional medicine. Yeah, this is really good for all of my kidney meridians. I need all the smoked hams I can get.

Feel my kidneys. Feel my kidneys. It's just like, why is your kidney swollen?

She was the only one who had the guts to stand up to Dr. Oz.

I love that a bipartisan decision is just like, let's share... This grifter, you know, between administrations like good, you know, got to all agree that you should be able to lie about health care as an MD.

That's barely anybody dying. That's barely hundreds of thousands of deaths.

He said two to three percent as if that's not a huge number of people. He's losing his goddamn mind.

Yeah, it's it's it's it's pretty wild to just look at two to three percent of the country as like expendable. If it means that my fucking dirtbag ass fifth grader can be stuck inside in a school all day. And listen, I get it. People with kids, they want their kids to go back to school. But you don't say the quiet part out loud.

And it's weird to like, you know, be like, all right, it was a poor choice of words. And it's like, bro, at this point, saying words out loud to millions of people is your job.

Fucking fix some hearts already. Stop talking.

The Dorm Room Diet. It's just free pizza and dick.

We've all been there.

Holy shit. That is out of its goddamn mind.

He's literally one year away from wanting to be buried with his cats. You know, like this dude wants some pyramids and some live cats in a casket with him. This is he's a pharaoh.

My God.

And it's the one thing he's good at. I mean, I almost... And he's amazing at it.

Yeah, no, that is bad. That is that is definitely immoral to like have the ability. It's like being Superman and having the ability to save someone from a burning building. But being like, fuck, dude, I'm kind of on my way to do this TV interview. It's going to get me more.

Because it's like, I'm already really good at it. So I decided I want to go get into TV now.

I mean, it depends on the movie. But yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess he got tired of helping people and was like, you know, time to make some fucking bank. Yeah, it's I mean, it's not just make some bank, but he's like, man, I saved 10,000 lives. I'm going to have to kill 10,000 just to fucking net neutral this shit. You know, yeah, you know, he's just trying to he's trying to balance the scales of his good and evil.

Yeah. He's so handsome, though, dude.

He's very handsome. He made a lot of money. So that's good. And, you know, he's he's he's out there every day given given hope to people who are currently dying of a very, very treatable ailment and saying, no, dog, put your feet in some hot rice.

Yeah, it's especially since it's it's again, he he has the God given skills to actually do good and help people. And he chooses, you know, this shit. And I got to say, I blame his dad.

Son of a bitch. You fucked up, dude. I mean, you did a great job by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and yada yada. But, you know, maybe you should have maybe you should have maybe been more encouraging for him to just maybe, you know, pick one thing and stay with it rather than, you know, venture off into television. I will say, at least with the true crime stuff.

that I know he's a little bit getting into our territory here with the podcast business, and I don't like that. But I'm glad I don't have a true crime podcast that he's currently cannibalizing. If he starts a Sopranos one... I will lose my fucking mind. If Dr. Oz decides one day, like I want to do a prestige TV rewatch show for CNN, that'll be it, dude. Oz, you'll be on my goddamn list.

Well, I mean, he's doing a true crime show. That's as close as you get to the podcast business.

You know what I'm saying? Those are the number one pods out there, dude. Pisses me off.

Yeah.

My name is Matt Lieb and, you know, I'm on Instagram. Matt Lieb jokes. Graham. Yeah, I'm on the gram. I'm also on Twitter at Matt Lieb. But follow me on Instagram. And yeah. And if you like the Sopranos, pod yourself a gun.

Matt Lieb! Hey, what's going on? Matt, how are you doing? I'm doing well. I'm excited to be here. Big fan of the pod. Love me some bastards. And you are, you do a Sopranos podcast and the name is, I believe, Pod Yourself a Gun? That's right. Pod yourself a gun. We're the world's only Sopranos podcast. Don't go looking for any other ones because they do not exist.

A niche TV show that only people who really like art understand. And that's why we talk about it. We talk about the art.

You bought a gun.

Yeah. You woke up with a blue moon in your eye and you decided I'm going to go get myself a gun.

And and it's great.

Yeah. The Russian.

No, they spend that whole episode literally like dying of like cold and they're lost in the woods. But they spend all the time talking about how they're starving because they haven't eaten in 12 hours. It's the most Italian thing in the world. But I want to hear about this gun.

Who would have thought he'd be a bastard? A TV doctor?

No, they take an oath. TV doctors, they say, do no harm and get good ratings. That's the Hippocratic Oath.

Yeah, I did not watch him on Jeopardy, but I have seen the show and had no idea he was a bastard.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I agree. They're not hot. I've always said they're not hot enough. They're not hot. I look at them.

Yes.

Doctors who fuck. That's the next level of health care in America. It won't be universal health care, but at least doctors will look fuckable.

That's so sad. It's always sad when like an amazing doctor is a piece of shit. This is like how I felt when Ben Ben Carson turned out to be a Trump guy. I was like, but you're so good at the brain.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're the ones who think they're gods, right? They essentially have a god complex and they'll be really good at one thing and then they'll also think that they're good at like politics and shit like that.

It just makes me glad that I never got really proficient in any one skill. Never gain skills. Never ever learn how to do things. You'll become too smart for yourself and think that you are God.

Yeah, he could be immaculate conception.

He's like a true lift yourself up by your bootstraps kind of guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Good for him. Started from the bottom and now he's on TV selling. Well, that's his dad. Oh, that's his dad.

the fuck like that's way too much stock into the year of what animal the year of the rat at least he wasn't born into the year of the pig and he's like well you what you got to do is you got to take your snout and put it into the trough of life and just you really got to just shove your face into food yeah as hard as you can you roll around in the shit and then you hope that someday you find another piggy to fuck and then you have little piglets it's like i was born in the year of the pig and that's why i dispose of bodies for the mob it's just

Just what you do. Well, that's a it's a nice take on year of the rat for him.

Yeah, he just wants that cheese.

Yeah. Like straight having like nervous breakdowns just from like trying to get good grades. Right. Once again, don't get good at anything. It's not worth it. Don't develop skills. Don't develop skills. You'll get seizures. You're at risk of seizures. You're at risk of your of your dad not loving you.

Stop caring about your dad, you know, just coast, coast, find some dirt, eat some grubs. You'll be fine. Yeah. Start a Sopranos podcast. That's all you've got to do.

Mamet, go kill that kid. Kill that kid. Murder that loser kid and tell me what you want to do with your life. God damn. That is way too much pressure. Way, way too much pressure to put on a kid. And it seems like the kids like that always end up becoming the like going into the career that their father wanted them to do. And then eventually their dad dies.

And then they're like, oh, fuck, I didn't get to do what I wanted to do with my life. And now I'm miserable.

I mean, it's just like, I just look back now at my own childhood and I'm like, God damn it, if I can think of one friend where I knew what they wanted to do for a career, I don't think we ever talked about like, what's your career going to be? No one was like, I'm a doctor. You know, it was mostly just like, you know, how's your hip hop album working out? And they're like, good.

And you're like, cool. And that was the whole thing. That's interesting.

But once I do in a in a public school. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I went to public school, you know, my entire life. And I think most of my friends, um, Either wanted to they were either going to go into the army or they were or they wanted to be famous musicians and or athletes.

I'm just saying like a level of ambition at a very, very young age has always been a turnoff for me when it comes to like friends, because it's just they always have that like sense where they're trying to get your some sort of stepping stone into their whatever their career path is. And I don't like it.

i'm just gonna take a break have a gap year and join the military of a foreign country yeah help suppress you know kurdish liberatory movements and stuff whatever yeah they gotta stop trying to have their own thing yeah yeah

Yeah, this is very there's a lot of foreshadowing going on. There's some foreshadowing.

It's at least three boards.

Yeah, I got zero boards under my belt.

So we really should find a board just to get us some certifications, guys, just to get certified.

Is there a board in the Universal Life Church? Because I am a minister slash Jedi Knight. I'm going to say that counts. All right. I'm board certified. Can you get me painkillers? You know, I know a guy. That sounds legal enough.

yeah um yeah 11 patents is pretty good seriously one might say he's the wizard of oz there i think i read like six articles with variations of that title on the guy all right well i gotta go then bye guys it's just a thing journalists can't fucking help themselves oh you can't help yourself if you're anybody you see oz and you're like i gotta call him a wizard gotta call him a wizard

Basically, how old is he at this point? He's in his 30s. Oh, man.

I mean, I don't know any other heart surgeons by name. So, fuck. Yeah. He's the guy. Yeah.

The kidney meridian? Yeah, you got to get that meridian. That's the best part of the kidney is the meridian. That's the most delicious part of the kidney is the meridian.

I mean, this all feels like he's going to start turning his patients into foie gras. And I'm very excited for what's to come. This heel turn that he's going to take.

And he's the smartest doctor in the world. It's like one of those things where you're like, I feel like this is wrong, but I don't know enough to dispute it. So I'm going to let him fuck with my kidney meridian.

And it seems like, from what I can tell, that sounded non-invasive.

Yeah, they were throwing, you know, crystals and doing fucking pendulums over him.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Doctors fucking teach. That's what they do.

Just gifted money and just said, start a magic doctor in school.

I want it to be like Hogwarts. Okay.

You know, you can't blame people for trying to try any other alternative to, I mean, you know, something in which there is no cure in modern medicine.