Mattie

Oh, the director was I looked up the director because I think you Texas is very odd shots of like camera angles. Yes. And it felt like a new director. And I went and looked it up. Did you look up the director?

Yeah. It's not kitchen scenes. He's done so much. He actually did some episodes of Schitt's Creek and a Shania Twain document or Shania Twain film.

Clearly he's Canadian, but he's done a lot of movies.

Trying to just pinch it.

This snowman has a twinkle in his eye and is ready to go.

So she throws his scarf on him, and then his eye twinkles out of nowhere, and she, like, you're so right, Ronnie, now that you say this, she's never happy this entire movie, and I didn't realize it.

She walks away, and then the wind blows, and the snow flurries happen, and it's

I thought he was sneezing because he was cold. I think he just had to get the snow out of his nose.

Too many cutters. He's too thin.

When he was actually dead, or supposed to be dead later on the movie... He kind of looked dead. He looked like Jesus. Yeah.

Yes, and he could have watched someone fly in a plane because he actually flies a plane, and then he could have flown her in a plane.

I'm going to say this. Frosty needed a beard.

Okay. Okay. I got to step this back. What is snowman energy? He does have snowman energy. It's kind of like, okay, but I didn't find that.

You don't remember we covered a movie and Ben and I basically beat off during our entire podcast about it.

Aaron O'Connell has completely derailed this podcast.

No. I have a friend who's writing. It's not coming out until December, but he's writing a sexy Christmas movie that comes out on Lifetime. I think it's called like A Carpenter Christmas. Yeah. That was one of the ones that we were thinking about. And it looks terrible, but it doesn't come out until later. But I'm like, oh, wait, we're friends. Well, Danny Pellegrino wrote one.

It's hard to. I'd make fun of him. He's in the same business. He gets it. People make fun of us all the fucking time.

I just would want people to talk about my movie. I don't care if it's good or bad.

I'm going to wrap a, wrap, wrap a red scarf around my picture of Aaron O'Connell. That's in my bathroom.

Who would you get? Like a Jewish Broadway actress. Like Linda Lavin. Yes. Hey, one of my good friends dog sits for her. I could get you Linda Lavin for this movie. I don't know if you can promise my best friend's dog sitter.

I've been in her house. It's a beautiful home.

Yeah, I think Nathan Lane's in it. Matt Bomer's in it.

So yeah, it's supposed to come out on HBO. I don't know who Nathan Lee Graham is.

It leads her like a divining rod. No matter what age, you can always be a dick pig. If it's in you, it's in you.

thank you for saying that because people are going to be so confused dylan um from great british like bam yeah you can um british baking i mean he i just looked at he kind of gives me a little bit like a uh john snow vibe this is a different person they keep saying the thing on the internet was if a beautiful cat became a human um just everything about his face

Well, he does still – he gets a pair of overalls that, wink, wink, have the name Jack on them. Like Jack Frost. Like Jack Frost, y'all. And so now he's – I wrote – oh, yeah. So he's dressed in these clothes and – This costume looks like a costume I would call like sexy auto mechanic that you would buy from Amazon. I was going to say it looks porn adjacent.

Wow. That's great. Except when they get that aggression from being tackled too much. Let's keep going. When they get the sundowning. Oh, great.

Literally, there's an old man later in the movie called Mortimer. Mortimer. Mortimer. And I... What was... Who was it? It was... Oh, shit. I can't read. Some actress that I follow. Was it Annie Potts or somebody of that age on Instagram saying, hey, I'm doing a film and I'm playing the role of Ethel. No one. Please stop calling us Gertrude's Ethel.

I don't know what I was going to say. It's completely out of my hands.

Take me out, y'all. What happens next?

N-C-I-S, Secret Agent Man. C-I-S, Living Room. Whatever they're called.

Yeah. Ben, you should change your last name to Christmas so you can write a Christmas movie. Ben Christmas. Ben Christmas.

And we had an Ethel was married to Mortimer in this movie. This guy is this bro who's like, I just want to fuck bitches.

Lacey Chabert still has to meet Jack Frost.

I wonder if he's the same guy that wrote Bad Johnson. Did you ever see that? It's kind of the same type of movie.

Well, I don't think he would remember that.

You're the sad scarf lady who came and... Yeah, he's like, look what happened to me. You made me human. I was snow, and now I'm not made of snow. You're not made of snow, but you're still freezing.

I will say, in the meeting of, if we think about Falling for Christmas, okay? An iconic holiday. Literally, Lindsay Lohan fell on cord over street. We needed more. The meet cute was failed on this movie, I feel like.

That is the most important part of a hall. I've been watching Finding Mr. Christmas on Hallmark, which is the competition reality show. But they talk about these pivotal moments. That's a thing? Oh, yeah.

It's Jonathan Bennett and Melissa Peterman that host it.

The guys are gorgeous, but they made them recreate the meet cute. And they talk about that's the pivotal moment. And usually always in a meet cute. What happens? Someone usually falls. Someone bumps into someone with coffee.

Dogs with leashes. I don't know. Political rallies.

Someone's furniture is delivered and they drop a couch on a neighbor. Whatever.

You want to fuck everything. I needed in a montage, I needed him to show how great his snow skills were. Yeah.

Ronnie really went in on that one. What does Tom Skerritt do?

Contemplative, yes. We were at – they go into the diner, and he's eating jelly from jelly packets and candy and just bad things for him.

It's like that guy who was thrown in jail. He was like a mugshot. He was like a mixed race guy with blue eyes and everyone fucking freaked out. And then I think he ended up doing porn. I don't know if he's back in jail. I think he's like an active proper model now. Oh, really? Wow.

And it all happened because he pretty much shot.

I will say that is Jake. When someone unwraps his camp, when I see Jake is a person, but I will look and, and, and look at them and just stare or go. No, you one time looked at someone and went really in the middle of it. I just,

It was that queen's personal galoshes for when she does a trash man play with mail. Yeah. What are you going to do about it?

They're like, sure.

Well, the sheriff is... Yeah, the sheriff. He's basically... Also, there's this weird scene where the sheriff... Cause he's talking to Mel in their shop and it's Mel, the sheriff. And then I think that got her gay husband or the deputy. I forget. There's three of them, but there's a shot of them kind of walking. Did you notice that toward the camera? And the cameraman is a weird shot. Yeah.

But you can actually see whoever is holding the light is moving the light. And you can actually just see shadows. And because they were trying to... It's harder, obviously, to light someone with darker skin. So... He Craig Robinson has this like it looks like someone just took their phone light and it's shining on his face.

Meanwhile, male who's very pale white is completely fucking blown out and looks like she's on. This is niche filmmaking, but I noticed it.

He's telling them... Every time, y'all.

But what happened, Ronnie, is he basically says, I'm on the case. Meanwhile, Lacey Chabert is talking to Snow Ho and whatever the fucking name is. And she's like, that's where he find out, y'all, because I'm glad you brought it up. He looks at her and she's like, what's your name? And he says, I don't know. And she calls him Jack. And he looks at her and says...

God, I mean, kudos to the actor for making this sound somewhat organic.

And that's the crazy shit! He said, the last thing I remember was someone was staring at me, putting a scarf on me, and then there was a flash of light in my face. And...

I don't need to deal with this.

Ronnie, maybe that's why she's not happy because they all know her, but they just keep teasing her like, cancer, he's dead, and just pranking her.

They really need to have people on meth for this to make sense, and then it would work. Yeah.

She's insisting it's a public service.

And also, we never meet the mayor.

Massage parlor for a small town. Kind of my dad used to go to.

We almost forgot. I've we've seen a lot of these movies at this point. Have you ever seen a character put on sunglasses, take them off and look directly into a camera to the audience?

But later on in the movie, he takes his sunglasses off again and says something and doesn't look in the camera. I'm sorry. I need to call back.

The best, the funniest line. Sorry, I didn't mean to go back. Go back to the doctor, but I just had to bring that up.

She could use all the scarf she could. She could. What an ungrateful bitch.

But when they take the temperature again, then they're convinced.

No. Like... Why would they do that?

I think Dr. Dottie is on Adderall or something because then she immediately just meets this man who Lacey's calling a drifter, but she immediately says, how would you like to stay with me, hot snowman? Yes! In my doctor house.

please yeah she's like i'll take you this was not the attending doctor on uh kathy's husband because that might i mean look right that would explain why everyone in the town has died prematurely for the last 10 years we're gonna get to it later but i already questioned all the medical advice mainly because the doctor notes i saw were written in comic sans like that that is something i could never get past

So when I saw that, that's when I went, I believe in it all.

And she says, come live with me. And he says, but I want to live with Kathy. As long as the Ferrettis don't find out where I am, I'm fine. But then the doctor, Dr. Dottie, who is also supposed to be Lacey Chabert's good friend, says, oh, she can't even take care of herself. Stupid bitch. Have you seen her house? God, what a fucking joke. She's a disaster.

Airhead was Amanda Seyfried. Gretchen was kind of like... She went to England. She was kind of like the girl with skin issues in The Craft, who wasn't really bad, but like a sidekick bad, but still...

My mother would say, if you venture out in the cold, men will leave you and you'll die alone. Wow. Very different. She had a point.

Yeah, it's the love of my life. It was what you said, yes. And I met my husband and it literally is like he's fixing clothes.

I'm like, that was the gayest thing in this town. If you're a man wearing a kerchief, you want something up your butt. She doesn't actually give Kathy her special red scarf.

But she knows it has magic in it.

Have it blow in the wind in front of her feet while she's walking. Like have that. Have the magic. Yes. Because everybody knows wind is magic in these type of movies.

But don't forget, then Mel, the woman, looks at her husband and winks at him. So, therefore, she knows about magic, which was never followed up the entire time of the movie.

One last piece of laundry. You just choked me out with this scarf, and now she's going to choke that snowman. I'm going to wear it around her. Everybody knows a snowman can't come if they're breathing. You are sick, people.

And I actually prefer bigger nipples on Guy. But they was even too much for me.

They look like pepperonis. It needs to be the right size, I guess, because I don't trust men with super little nipples. It's like... You shouldn't.

Yeah, I just don't trust it. it's like the guy in guardians of the galaxy what's his name chris whatever small nipple chris pratt never i never liked him because it's small nipples he's a douchebag i wish i could play your quote going oh look at chris pratt no you didn't see that movie you don't know my life yeah that's exactly what happened

So how does he – I guess he learned in Dracula. Is that where he learned that a cross scares them? Yes. He's holding a cross. And this guy is like, this is my big physical comedy moment. Yeah. He is like everywhere looking crosses everywhere.

This is the part where I was a little bit like, this feels a little bad. It was a little clunky.

But there was this one thing where – Yes, and this actually all is just a fever dream because Lacey Chabert, the snowman is not real. She wakes up at the end, and she just had a reaction to her COVID booster. That's what it is.

I know what the question is. You have to ask me.

And then she said, did you steal the clothes? And again, he knows what stealing is.

Does he have any dick pics on that DocDoc site or whatever it's called?

I'm like, Kathy, you've just kidnapped this man. I think she secretly fucking hates Mel because Mel gives her shitty clothes all the time and shames her for her fashion. Mm-hmm. That scarf is just a litany of just many things she's received.

Honey, I got you a cheetah cardigan. Just wear this, please, honey.

He's making eggnog, which eggnog and pizza sound disgusting together.

Nice knowing you. Sorry about that. Oh, fuck, too. She's 74. This world is fucked enough.

Yeah. Go back.

Can't even remember.

This is the actual line. I just want to write it. He says, can I ask you Earlier today, I was checking the house for vampires, dot, dot, dot. Yep. What's cancer? And it's the fact that they're together.

Welcome back to our continuing coverage of the masterpiece that is Hot Frosty.

I had to pause it and just laugh for like five. And then I watched it like five times.

And it really affects, because I think, we haven't talked about this yet, but this is, I think, the thing to do it. They have horrible chemistry.

Or at least let her be in love. Like, cause I know this. Cause like I said, after I got high and watched Georgia, the jungle, Leslie man does a good job of like falling in love with the childlike thing of George and that they needed her to like, maybe, Position her that she has grown up and closed her heart and she's way more... Has to be adult about everything. And he makes her...

And he is in a loincloth the entire fucking time.

Yes. Taking care of my father through cancer. Actually, I don't know what I was more offended by. The notes in Comic Sans or this explanation. Yeah.

Well, he did home repair, so that's why her house looks like shit, because he did it all. That's what we find out.

That's what a Gamora is right there.

He's like, yeah. It's so hot. You can't do that. I know we had a magical moment where we reached for the pizza cutter and you have feelings for me, but maybe I'm kind of worried you're going to melt now. I don't know. Why does she care?

And then she would have to go to the crazy doctor because her vagina has hypothermia. Yeah. And then the doctor then can fuck the snow. It works for everybody.

What is it going to take? A working step. I'm going to push back a little bit, Poodle, because you like a little bit of danger with your men.

Yeah.

I was asking.

Yeah, she literally stops, backs up her car, crashes her car. He, Superman, slides down the ladder and comes up to her. That was unbelievable. This town is so undersexed. I don't know what's going on. I got to say, I'm going to say something, and y'all are either going to agree or have a very visceral reaction to this.

There's this close-up on his abs, and his abs are on par, to me, to Brad Pitt's abs in Fight Club. Wow. Wow.

She's like, Oh yes.

and so she gets how are you at electricity and he's like oh i'm great and she said i should have you work for me sometime and he's like i'm gonna get my shirt please don't please do i am and i feel like i i'm sad to admit this but in the next scene where we see all these women sitting here horny old ladies yeah i i wanted to ask you all a question and i'd like to hear everybody's answer um

Where did the costume department get these women's outfits?

It's because suddenly we were in Boca Raton or Palm Springs, like the outfits.

I had a guy who mounted my curtains who was really hot and I told my neighbor and she came up and we hung out. Hell yeah, I've done that too. Yes!

No, no, no. He was doing work and putting up my curtains and all this. And then I told my neighbor, I was like, he's really hot. I was like, you should come up.

Yes.

Look, Ronnie, as someone who has a lot of construction in your house, I'm always willing to come over. Just invite me if they're hot.

I think what this movie really needed, it needed like a snownado. It needed to begin with like a really bad snowstorm. So then it would explain some of this like devastation and the snowstorm. There was just a magical snowman there. That would have made way more sense.

I really wish they were playing ladies from the 80s on this car radio.

Kathy's cafe is hot.

This would have been solved in a montage if we had seen him get a cold plunge. That's all he needed.

A corncob pipe. Again, when he goes to prom, I thought, oh, great. They're going to put him in a top hat because he's going to prom.

It's so unbelievable. I will say, though. Craig Robinson comes back up. I laughed pretty hard at this eye-seeding contest. That was very funny to me when he comes in. Again, I think this was 100% improv. I don't think this was...

Yeah. So the sheriff is asking Hunter, or I'm sorry, the sheriff is asking Jack.

question and jack they bring him a cup of ice like he wanted and the sheriff's like why why do you not have any beverages and apparently that's a very like tip 101 of crime solving if they're not drinking beverages then they must something's wrong um and so he says because i eat ice and craig robinson's like i eat ice and then they do this contest which is stupid and funny

Well, it also doesn't make sense – it also doesn't make sense that – Not now. First of all, I'm worried about the medical care in this town of Hope Springs.

No. Mortimer is very sallow. Yes. Secondly... What the fuck kind of school system that they hire a man with no ID, no birth certificate, no fingerprints, security. And now he's gotten a job at the school for maintenance. This just sounds like a pedophile movie.

Children.

Hey, so he says – he puts his snow foot down and says, I am going to school tomorrow, like it or not. This is an issue. This is an issue. She says, don't go to school because you're supposed to lay low. Lay low. And so they go home and – And they're fighting, and he goes to his basement room, and then she sees that he put up all the Christmas stuff.

And I want to ask y'all, what the fuck is this Jennifer Coolidge clip from of her being Glenda, the Good Witch of the North?

I forget. Oh, the next one I think is called Our Little Secret. It's the one that Christian Chenoweth wrote.

Oh, I actually watched that movie. It's with Michael Urie and Luke McFarlane. And you forgot about it.

They do. They do.

What's our first montage?

Yeah, Pretty Woman is when they go dressing, clothes shopping. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what?

And honestly, if they wanted her to be bitchy,

They literally cook a pizza. Why doesn't she teach him how to make the sweet potato casserole? She doesn't even serve to Cruchel's daughter. This movie is nothing but just like, it's just nothing but a dick tease the entire time.

Because I'm unhappy now. I'm happy people don't have the patience for soup.

Oh my God. I tell my dentist, I tell my dentist.

That's true. If I say it to Poodle ever, he just immediately becomes like an ice man, like a snowman, just frozen. Makes me think you want something from me.

Talking about this – there is no art to this movie. It's like just a ping pong ball.

Yeah, I think this movie should be called a Christmas edging because that's just what it was. Just an hour and a half of edging and nobody did anything else.

If she was a real cook, she would have made him a gazpacho.

So we cut to just her rubbing up on the prison bar. She's just rubbing her cross on a chair at this point. Like an inappropriate, horny eight-year-old who doesn't know not to do that in public.

We had a girl growing up. I remember, what was her name? Her name was Tawny. Tawny. It was like McHale or something. No, she would just, no, we'd just be at a baseball game and she just would be rubbing herself up like on the baseball. She was old enough to know better. She'd just be rubbing herself on like a bench.

You're trying to talk to her and she's just basically just trying to, it was very inappropriate. Yeah, no kidding.

If your mind is made of ice and you're very sharp, I don't know.