Maya Shankar

I think by nature, we tend to define ourselves by what we do, by our labels, by our roles, right?

I'm a teacher, I'm a doctor, I'm a mother, I'm a member of my community.

The challenge is that when a big change happens, it can actually threaten that self-identity.

And this can leave you in a very paralyzed state because you feel not simply that you've lost the thing in this change moment, but you've also lost a fundamental sense of who you are.

I remember having this experience as a little kid.

So I was an aspiring concert violinist.

When I was young, I was studying at Juilliard under Itzhak Perlman.

My big dreams were coming true.

I was soloing with orchestras and everything was looking bright.

And then I had my own slight change of plans when I overstretched my finger on a single note and had a career ending injury.

And I remember in that moment, Mike, not just grieving the loss of the instrument, but also the loss of myself on this more fundamental level.

Fast forward a couple decades after almost six or seven years of trying to start a family, my husband and I were unsuccessful.

We had to deal with

many obstacles and disappointments and heartbreaks and pregnancy losses with our surrogate.

And it's been a really challenging experience to navigate that.

And again, I felt like I wasn't just grieving the pregnancy losses.

I was grieving the loss of this future identity that I had for so long aspired to hold, which was mom.

And what I've learned from these experiences really only in hindsight is that it can be more stabilizing to define yourself

not simply by what you do, but by why you do those things or why you have even the dreams you have.

So what do I mean by that?