Michael Scott
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Oh, my God. OK, it's happening.
No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in.
Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer. And we are prepared to reject that offer.
Michael, you haven't even heard that. Never accept their first offer.
Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
You guys look like you fuck with rap music, right? Yeah. Cool crowd. Okay. You guys remember rapper Mystical? Shake your ass. Watch yourselves. Show me what you're working with. That guy, Mystical? Mystical was my favorite rapper when I was a kid. It wasn't for the bars because he wasn't great. It was more the fact that I found out he was a combat engineer during the Gulf War.
Mystical was a fucking minesweeper. I liked to play this game where I imagine Mystical out there leading his troops during the Gulf War while preparing for his future rap career. He goes, hey guys, hang back real quick. I got to make sure it's clear. He's the Minesweeper.
Watch yourselves. Get on the floor.
He got accused of rape recently, so it's back in the news.
Eight years. Where at? California. Bakersfield, I started. I'm from Fresno. I started in Bakersfield.
And you live here now? Yes, for a year, December 30th, yeah.
I started, I lived in Fresno. I started comedy in Bakersfield.
The Well Comedy Club. They're going to love that show. They're going to love that. Daniel Betts. All right.
Do you remember where, by chance?
Yeah. My parents lived there in L.A. Yeah. What brought you out to Texas? I was dating a girl. She got a transfer for a job. We moved out of here. We broke up.
We did this the last time I was on.
Thank you for calling customer support. And he hasn't said the N word once. No, no. If you remember from my last set, I don't say the N word.
Sam Talent, episode 668. I remember. Okay, so that's about a year ago. Yeah, like a couple months ago. I lost D-Madness. Holy shit.
Oh, I didn't... Oh, my God. All right. Oh, my God.
All right. We did this last time. Okay. Yeah.
It's the Carlton. Oh, all right. It doesn't. My grandma is going to kill me.
My mom was going to name me Jarek, actually. Not Jared, not Derek, but Jarek. So I'm Michael Scott II. My dad is Michael Scott.
Oh, man. You guys are really trying to kill me. No, man. Made me dance on my bad leg. All right. Let's do this. Wow. Yeah. You guys actually know her.
We know a lot of people. You dated a comic? Yeah.
Uh, she started dating another comic. Started talking to another comic while we were dating. Told me they were friends, and then, uh... Did they do a little writing together? No.
February, so almost a year. Valentine's Day? Eighth. I remember. It was the eighth. And it was on the way to Kill Tony. We broke up in the car, about to get out the car to go to Port Choices for the night. Wow.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you leave? Honestly, yeah, I did sign up that night and I still stayed and I stuck around.
You still run into her, huh? Yeah. No, we're actually really cool now. Like, it's funny. It's like we're cool as shit now. Is she still with that other comedian guy? Yeah.
Yeah. Dude, we hang out all the time.
Could not be the opposite. It could not be more opposite.
MMA. Wow. Look at that. He can fight, dude. Careful. Yeah, this is incredible. Before I did comedy, I was a fighter for a while, for a good while.
I see him spinning quick, yeah.
Jiu-Jitsu was my specialty, purple belt. Yeah. But, yeah, I love kickboxing. I love to kick. Yeah, I keep breaking. I'm fragile. I keep breaking. Oh. What was your record? Two and two. Two and two.
Two and two. I started off great, and I had a habit of taking fights on short notice. Every promoter knew they could just call me... Old John Broken Bones Jones over here. That's fucking solid. Yeah. Yeah, it's just... So I never went pro. I was an amateur. Amateurs don't get paid, but if you're willing to take on anybody, like, you get paid a little bit under the table. So I would get, like...
Yeah, so I'd make $400 a fight. Promoters knew they could call me, but I started off 2-0, and then I took my last two fights, six days notice, and then eight days notice, and I got my ass kicked.
If I could get hit in the eyes and my contacts wouldn't fall out, I would, yes, I would be on the field.
I did that one time, and then I got hit, and I felt it under here. So what I would do, I never would fight with him. I just hand him to my coach, and then I have him lead me to the cage.
Always. The thing is, amateurs don't get paid. As with anything.
We just wanted the time. You'd be paying for your medicals. Just to be licensed in California is like... Back then, I think it was like 400 bucks or so. Yeah, it's like you're paying out of pocket to get your ass kicked. And then if you have broken bones, you're paying for that too. That's just how it was. So I never went pro. It was just... Yeah. Yeah. It sucks.
I work at Hotel Ella. I don't know if you guys ever heard of it. It's a hotel here in Austin. It's a little boutique hotel.
Oh, the timing on that. The timing on that. An amazing minute.
That's what she said. Michael. Michael. Come on.
Oh, okay. That one's still about me. Hey, hey, hey. So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad. I don't feel bad. I think he feels bad.
Well, you know, not exactly what I was looking for, but thanks, guys.
You get it from his mama.
And we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby. Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more. So that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not.
He's this weird loner who just tells people, don't do this, don't do that, hire this person for this reason. I would complain about him, but who would I go to to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing, because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys.
He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil.
Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Not as good as you think. Pick another one. Okay, there's a transcript between a naval ship... Okay, bingo, and a lighthouse. Yes, that is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Why didn't the baker buy a new car?
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my baby back. Chili's baby back ribs. I want my baby back ribs. Baby back, baby back. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. I want my... Chili's baby back ribs. Chili's... Chili's baby back ribs. But... No, wait out the second one. Okay.
SNL. When they pull him apart, he would always get rolled over by something. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
He's kind of an idiot.