Mike Danforth

Yeah, so what solutions have you come up with?

That's really cool. I'm just trying to think if we could use that in our work emails, how much effort it would take to get everybody on board. I'm going to try it.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever had it, Sam, where you're running and someone passes you and they indicate they're coming in a clever way?

Hey, Steve. How are you? Good. We're calling to check in on you and you guys fast.

Have you, Steve, had any incidents where you've slipped and it's bitten you?

I guess so, yeah. Steve, when you pulled those two aside, did you say to them, hey, you guys...

Never.

You're pretty fast. We get it.

Oh, I like that one. And here's Ari. Ari has even more ideas.

Yeah. Well, thank you, Ari. Thanks for all these ideas. This is great.

Hina, is your mic open? Hina, how have you done?

She's on a, yeah, what is the opposite of a fast?

Yeah, she's on a you rampage. Well, that does it for today's show. What did we learn today, Mike? Well, I learned that that sound, the dun-dun sound from Law & Order, is actually a bunch of sounds smashed together.

Yeah. How is that an effect that is just like available for use?

Do you think that those people are like with their friends or with their family and they're like, hold on, hold on. Listen, this is it. This is me. This is me right here. Or a bug walks by. They stomp it.

Wait a minute. Do that again. How to Do Everything is produced by Hina Srivastava. Technical direction from Lorna White.

Yeah, Mark, we really appreciate everything, everything you've done.

You can send us your questions. Send them to us at howtoatnpr.org. We promise we read all our emails obsessively. It's honestly, it's weird.

Don't you feel like that's the solution, though? We should come up with like a surefire way to indicate your presence that is not threatening, that it's almost it's excited. You're like happy to hear that noise.

Someone who passes a lot of people while running is Olympic bronze medalist marathoner Molly Seidel. Molly, is this something you've dealt with?

Yeah, it does feel like maybe that's a use for your Olympic medal is that you could clang it as you run by people.

Do they ever say anything to you at the very end? Like, you got me.

Do they make running shoes with taps on them? Like tap shoes? With some sort of noise. Yeah, you're like a noisy presence all the time.

Hey, Sam, what can we help you with?

For some people, that'd probably be a benefit. It'd be great. Be appreciated.

Yeah. But please go on.

Composer Mike Post seems like the perfect guy to help. Mike has a new album out. It's called Message from the Mountains and Echoes of the Delta. But relevant to Sam's question, Mike composed this sound. Hello? Hey, is this Mike? Yep. Hey, it's Mike and Ian from NPR calling. How are you?

Oh, I'm doing great. How are you guys?

We're terrific. Where are you? Where are you on your journey?

Oh.

I guess if we were to imagine what Mike Post would be doing, that's what we would imagine he'd be doing. Well, yeah.

That's correct. Do I have that right? That's precisely correct. At the 11th hour, just before the dub is finished, I've already completed all my work. Everybody's real happy with what I did. And he calls me up and says, hey, I'm going to... Date stamps, scene changes, and I need a sound to mark that. And I said, great, call sound effects because I'm your composer. I don't do sounds.

I do music, you know. And, you know, he and I are dear friends. So he goes, hey, come on. I need a favor. God, why do you, you know, come on. And I said, all right, all right, all right. So I got a bunch of samples of it, jail doors slamming in it. guy hitting an anvil with a ball-beating hammer and a bunch of men in Japan stomping on a wood floor and, you know, all these weird sounds.

And, you know, it took us about five, six hours to come up with that ching-ching, dun-dun, dong-dong, ding-ding, whatever the hell you want to call it down there. And so I sent it over to the dub stage and Dick goes, man, this is perfect. I've never heard anything like this. This is exactly right. And about a year later, he sends me a note. He goes... You know, isn't it funny?

All the great music you've written and on your tombstone will be done, done or ding, ding. And you didn't even want to do it, you stupid idiot. You know, and I was right about that. So, yeah, that's how the sound came about. And, you know, I don't know if. anybody cares or anything, but I was a runner for a long time, for 30 years.

And, you know, I guess you could carry a little device on your phone. You could play back dun-dun, ching-ching, whatever you call that thing. I guess you could do that, except I think that because of law and order and the darkness of the subject matter, I mean... I don't know if that would calm... It has the opposite effect. Yeah, I'm not sure that would calm anybody. I will tell you this.

About the third or fourth year of Law & Order, the original, I got the sweetest, kindest note from a principal from a high school in Cleveland, Ohio. And she writes me this note, and she says, I'm writing this note to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I work in an urban environment. It's a pretty tough school. And she goes, there's a lot of discipline problems.

And she goes, when I have to call Johnny or Sarah to the principal's office, she goes, it was always over the intercom. Johnny Jones, please come to the principal's office. And, you know, she goes... Since law and order, I preface all those calls to the principal's office with, and she goes, my discipline problems have gotten exponentially better because it strikes fear into their hearts.

Yes, right.

I just, I cracked up. I thought that was one of the nicest notes I've ever heard.

A jail door slamming, yeah. It's a bunch of different things put together, yeah.

No, stomping on a hardwood floor in a gymnasium and a guy hitting an anvil with a hammer.

You know, one of the sweetest things to me, in my mind, you could do is bird's chirping.

Or the sound of a little kid's bell on his tricycle, kinking, that sound.

Right? Or simply, simply, hello.

Okay. A soft greeting.

Yes, a soft greeting, you know.

Okay.

Laughter.

Yeah, but on the other hand, that's not so friendly when you're passing somebody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me ask you this question. My understanding is that is a song. That sound effect or sound, that little five-second bit is actually a song. Is that right?

Well, it's not a song, but it is a piece of music. And if you're asking do I get paid a royalty every time any piece of music plays, yeah, every time any piece of my music is played, even one second of it, There's a small little royalty that's paid through a performing rights organization. I happen to be a BMI writer, so yes.

Fantastic.

There is a royalty, yes.

So Mike, does that then, that five-minute piece, does it have a name that's registered at BMI?

Yes, we call it a card stand.

Oh, that's kind of boring. It doesn't have like a cool name?

No, it has a cool name on a T-shirt. It has a cool name when people, you know, talk to me about it. Yeah. Or Ching Ching, because I'm making a little money on it.

I'm glad to do it. You know, I'm a big fan of what you guys do radio-wise. That's for darn sure.

Mark Artham. And then here again, just because we want to see what it sounds like, here it is again, but this time with a hundred men in Japan stomping on a wooden floor. If you have a question you'd like us to answer, you can email us at howtoatnpr.org.

Or maybe your zipper's down or you see somebody who's zipper's down and you want to know how to tell them that. We can help you with that.

We invited you all to do this with us. And we've heard from a ton of people who are joining us who've already started doing it and even have some tips. Hello. Hello, Carol.

We're just calling to check in on you on the You Guys Fast. How are you doing with that?

So you could see the other kids yawning?

Yeah.

Oh, my. What class was it, Clementine, that was so boring that the teacher yawned?

Have you, have you had, have you had this experience before where you've seen someone yawn and then you yourself have yawned?

Oh really? Do you, when else has it happened?

Yeah. And is your mom there right now? Did she hear you say that? And did she yawn?

And if you're tired, now feels like a good time to take a nap. Really, for any of us.

It all makes sense. It makes sense. There is so much yawning that happened a few minutes ago that it's natural. It feels natural to take a nap.

All right, we have looked into this, and we discovered someone who has researched yawns. It's Mariska Kret, who we actually talked to a few episodes ago.

Yeah, email. Send us the time where you first yawned. And we're going to keep track of all the yawns that we've created here among the audience.

We can create a global yawn map.

That's so interesting. Do we know what Darwin was afraid of?

Really?

Is yawning contagious between species? Like if my cat yawns and I see it, am I likely also to yawn?

Oh, interesting. Okay.

I wonder, would that be a good way if you're on a date with somebody that you're just getting to know and you want to see, is that a good test to yawn and see if that person yawns? And if they don't yawn, there's a pretty good chance they're a psychopath.

Really?

That's not encouraging.

Well, that does it for this week's show. What'd you learn, Ian?

But it seems antithetical to a threat coming that you should yawn.

You're sending a message that you're not afraid, too. So not only does it calm your mind, but it also gets in the head, maybe, of the person who's coming at you.

Right before it eats you.

I'm going to try that like the next time I go out to eat, right? Or I'm at a bakery and I can just get that smell. It just go all out, just wide-eyed, open my mouth, just suck it all in and see how that enhances the experience.

How to Do Everything is produced by Hinesh Ravastava with technical direction from Lorna White.

Once again, get us your questions. You can send them to us at howtoatnpr.org.

Let me ask you this question, then. Has anyone ever heckled you from stage, and you've, like, they were right?

Okay, okay. So that's the attitude we should adopt when it comes to Ed and his, like you guys would have a clue, email. Yeah. Like, you guys would have a clue.

That's your impenetrable armor? Just terrible self-esteem. That's it, huh? Take that, Ed. This is How to Do Everything. I'm Mike.

But first, hey, Mary, what can we help you with?

And yet... Have you had that experience of hearing yourself on tape?

Can you do an impression of how you sound when you hear yourself?

James Austin Johnson does a bunch of impressions on Saturday Night Live. You probably know him for Donald Trump.

So what's that process like then when you're honing a voice or an impression?

Hello. Hello, Pat. Hey. Hey, it's Mike and Ian from NPR's How to Do Everything calling. Hey, how you doing, man? We got a couple emails from you, our listeners, and we weren't exactly sure how to respond. So we're calling up comedian Pat Noswalt.

Oh, that's great. Well, James, thank you so much for talking to us and for helping Mary out. Yeah, you got it.

James Austin Johnson is a cast member on Saturday Night Live. SNL returns with an all-new episode this Saturday and will celebrate its 50th anniversary with a primetime special on Sunday, February 16th, live on NBC and on Peacock. Do you have Peacock, Ian?

The range we heard when it comes to the guesses was as many as seven or 21 moans.

And you'll soon have a t-shirt rewarding you for that dinosaur ear. This is, of course, our last episode of this season, but we're still, our email box still works. So if you have questions, you can send them to us at howtoatnpr.org. We will still be reading those emails.

Yeah, for those of you who like this show and also like Zoom meetings...

We're pretty sure we're being heckled.

And is this like a special sports performance olive oil or is this just go to the grocery store?

We're still in the midst of our you guys fast. We're attempting to eliminate you guys and hey guys from our vocabularies. All of us here at How To have been failing. Well, we've had mixed results. But I think we've each at least had one failure in front of the others, which has been humiliating.

And here's Alyssa. Alyssa called in with a different take on this whole concept.

It's a really interesting point. And we sort of neutralize it by using it more.

Oh, man. That's great. How long have you had this set up like this? Probably about three years or so. And how often do you think it autocorrects for you?

I love a five folks burger. Yeah.

Where it almost... In my memory, you didn't change hugs to I love you. You changed whenever I typed Ian.

I like the idea that James Patterson could just help you with anything.

How to Do Everything is produced by Hina Shravastava with technical direction from Lorna White. Our intern this week is Suzanne Weiss. Suzanne, look out. There's someone with a plate of very sharp knives behind you.

If I were to, if I were to go back and watch, uh, this race, the footage, would I say, you know what? BYU looks shinier than all the other runners on the start line. Yeah.

Get us your questions for this season while you still can at howtoatnpr.org. That's Ian, and I'm Mike.

Hey, Charlie. What can we help you with?

Can you give us a synopsis of what you do have, I guess, of the first couple acts?

With that setup, the zombies, it really is deus ex machina. It's a real twist.

And is her family also umbrellas, or is it a human family she lives with?

Gillian is the author of Gone Girl, Sharp Objects, Dark Places. So Gillian, you have the story. You've got this umbrella, this family that doesn't want to go outside. Where does this take you? Okay.

they don't like going outside as like they're agoraphobic or they just don't like yeah i don't know if it's a pathology but they they definitely just wants to be outside they don't just wanted to check for for plot purposes and he sort of doesn't know where to begin do you do you begin with an ending or do you begin with something you know where where does it start for you

When you put it that way, it's sort of, it's almost as if Bella is a prisoner in this home. And there's something dark about this family, actually.

Also, I'm sure Bella is aware that opening an umbrella inside is terrible luck for the humans. I love that. She could curse them by just opening herself.

Yes.

I'll bring you in, yeah.

James Patterson, you heard what Charlie has, the beginning, and we understand you have taken this on and written him some endings. Can you walk us through them?

My goodness. I understand how you have written more than 200 novels.

You think we have a series here?

That's where we get email from you when you write in to howtoatnpr.org. And we should say we are coming up... hurtling towards the end of this season of How to Do Everything. Just two episodes after this one. Two episodes left. So if you have a pressing problem, now is the time to get it to us.

Your welfare between our seasons, between seasons of this show, is not our responsibility. As much as we would like it to be.

Hey, if you have a question you'd like us to answer, you can send it to us. We have one show left. What episode left to answer your questions? Send them to us at howtoatnpr.org.

Don't worry about it.

And if you're still considering it, please don't get in the fridge.

The sun set there on November 18th, and it won't come up again until January 22nd.

Denis Barkats is an astrophysicist who wintered over in Antarctica... Denis, can you tell us what your experience was like? Sure.

Well, that does it for this week's show. What'd you learn, Ian?

Yeah, yeah, it makes sense, because gross.

You'd bring in a beehive in your house.

People are placing money bets. We have a range of guesses for what the possible answer is.

Again, only the parts they can carry. How to Do Everything is produced by Hina Srivastava with technical direction by Lorna White.

And I'm Mike. Thanks.

Okay.

Hello, Maureen.

Hey, it's Mike and Ian calling. How are you?

Hey there. Hey, Caitlin. Well, we have an answer.

Okay.

Do you want to restate what your guesses are?

So let's get the answer. Dr. Treanor, can you start by telling us how you're qualified to answer Maureen's question?

Don't go in the fridge.

So what do you think, Dr. Treanor? What's the answer?

Okay.

Oh, yuck.

Whoa. How... Wait a minute, though. You said the parts they... Can't remove. What parts can they remove?

So it's like a little... So propolis is a... No, go ahead.

All right. Thank you, Dr. Traynor, for helping settle this for Maureen. This is fantastic.

So joining us now to answer as many of your questions as we can get to is a very qualified expert. It's Jesse Eisenberg. He's a writer, director, co-star of the new film, A Real Pain.

Do you, Jesse, have an experience or a memory of a specific time that woke you up in the middle of the night when you remember like, oh man, why did I keep talking like that?

This is How to Do Everything. I'm Mike.

Wow. Okay. But as a type of therapy, that doesn't work, I guess, because it still sticks with you.

All right, let me find another question here that is, again, shouldn't have any trauma associated with it. Okay. This is from a listener named Reagan. How do I get the mildew smell out of jeans? Do you have any good laundry hacks?

Let me ask you this question. How clean—again, this is not meant to be a personal question, but do you regularly clean your refrigerator and freezer? Like, is your freezer in pretty good shape?

Hey, just interrupting the interview real quick to say absolutely do not get in that fridge. That is a terrible idea. Whatever you do, don't get in that fridge. We just have to kind of explore this. So do you just push and the door opens or are you ever trapped in there?

For anyone listening who's heard what Jesse has to say, we want to tell you, please don't get in your fridge. Don't go in there.

That's right.

Jesse Eisenberg, he's great. You love his movies. Terrific director. He's terrible at suggesting places to go inside.

We're a band of extraterrestrial war gods that has been banished to the planet Earth for all the crimes they committed in outer space.

I inherited mine. I am Balzac, the Jaws of Death.

And I was the third Jaws of Death. There had been a couple incarnations because the first few shows that GWAR played, it was just a collective of whatever artists and musicians they could grab from VCU and the surrounding areas to throw on these costumes and do a show.

I love how folksy that sounds. You know, like, my father is Mr. Balzac. Call me Balzac. But his grandfather was the jaw of death and his grandfather before me.

No, they made us go around the whole studios, and I think... Yeah, they were kind of using us to scare their co-workers.

I do. I bartend, and I'm one of the managers there.

That's right.

Yeah. Yeah.

But I know that they have strict rules against fraternization between the players. So I'm thinking it's the he broke his toes.

Well, it sounds like a very GWAR answer, so having the rubber dummy of the opposing quarterback is... Yeah, it could be inspired by GWAR.

I don't know. Cats don't have this super sensitive smell like dogs.

We're trusting these people are obviously more intelligent than us.

It's a theatrical shock rock, shock heavy metal band that is very performative on stage. And we are satirical, funny, theatrical show that involves a lot of costuming and set pieces and phony executions.

We're also from outer space, though. We have a more narrative.

Gore's a band of extraterrestrial war gods that has been banished to the planet Earth for all the crimes they committed in outer space.

It was Gwaaah! But that didn't fit on the marquee.

I inherited mine. I am Balzac, the Jaws of Death.

I was the third Jaws of Death. There had been a couple incarnations because the first few shows that Gore played, it was just a collective of whatever artists and musicians they could grab from VCU and the surrounding areas to throw on these costumes and do a show.

So originally, I was Beefcake the Mighty, who was the bass player.

Yeah, and I did create the character along with Don Drakulic, who's one of the artists in the band. You know, just sort of developed it over time. Now I am the singer, following the passing of the original lead singer, Dave Brockie, who everybody knows and loves. And I came back, and now I play the Berserker Blothar.

It's really odd. We usually have the characters to put on and to hide behind, and so we always know how to behave. We never really had to just be ourselves. Right.

No, they made us go around the whole studios, and I think Michael was on... What were they recording?

Yeah, they were kind of using us to scare their...

Oh, yeah. Who doesn't have a driveway moment?

I do. I bartend, and I'm one of the managers there.

Do they recognize you? We'll get people in there all the time. I'll be bartending, and people will come up and ask me, like, so do the guys in GWAR ever hang out here? And I'm always like, not very often. No.

That's right.

C sounds weird.

But I know that they have strict rules against fraternization between the players. So I'm thinking it's the he broke his toes.

Well, it sounds like a very gore answer. So having the rubber dummy of the opposing quarterback is...

I bet it's Kenny G, man.

I don't know. Cats don't have a super sensitive smell like dogs.

Well, they've got that thing where they go... All right, all right.

We're trusting these people are obviously more intelligent than us.

Boring.