Nate

Well, when I reach out to her, I'll say like, hey, do you want to get a cup of drinks or do you want to get some dinner tonight? And it's always got to be like last minute.

I've been dodging her, and I've been keeping it vague for so long that now she's going to be like, oh, I got to strike with an iron hot. That's the answer.

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't do this with everybody. I don't do this whole, like, every woman is the same thing. I just know the type of woman. And when I ask her, hey, what do you like to eat? And she's like hinting at the most expensive restaurant. Oh, this Italian. Come on, dude.

Oh, God. Lucy, Lucy, you can't say all of this after you've called the radio station to get a hold of me.

What? I just, I'm better at the game than you are.

No, that's not true at all. That's not true at all. I think negging you is the right way to go.

honey it doesn't work that way it doesn't it just did i know you literally called the radio station to get a hold of me how are you saying that no one treats me like that nobody does it okay everybody's talking at the same time in her defense which she probably doesn't have a lot she did say remember even if he likes me i don't want to go out with him again

Yeah, he is listening to this, Lucy.

Yeah, she absolutely is better looking than me, but I have her wrapped around my little finger.

I'm not even going to say yes or no. That's the beauty of it. I'm just going to leave it vague and I'll just wait for her text later.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Uh, yeah, I'm a little busy right now, man. What's going on?

It totally checks out. It totally checks out that she'd be the one calling me. Yeah. What does that mean? Yeah. She's texted me like four times in the last couple of days. Like I barely respond to her. So that's okay.

Well, it's just, she's that type of girl. Like there's a type.

Like, she's very attractive. She's been told all her life that she's attractive, so she knows it. And then she's like, no, I'm better. And I'm like, no, okay, relax.

No, no, she's fine. Like, it's just a matter of, like,

there's two things you got to deal with with women like lucy keep the date really short right that's the thing you got to keep the day really short like i knew that if i kept the date going longer longer i had the suspicion that she was like all good a free meal out of me and i'm not that's not what i'm about okay so this this is like a rule a strategy that you've come up with for dating beautiful women

It's not just beautiful women. It's beautiful women who know that they're beautiful and think that they're better than you because they're beautiful.

No, it's definitely because I want to keep her interested. Oh. With a woman like Lucy, the longer the date goes, the less interested she becomes because she knows all about you.

Was there another one? You keep the date short. You don't give them any information. You just, hey, I got to go. Talk to you later.

That wasn't a lie. We were at the gym. I went to go to the gym to meet a friend at the gym. But I'm not going to give her specifics. I'm not going to tell her where and when and with who because I know that the moment I say that, all the mystery is gone.

Wow. Oh, my God.

It's going to get rough out here if we do that. There'll be a bloodbath. There'll be no peace in the streets. We can't have that. What would you battle about?

Exactly. True. What did Ken Rock keep calling him? Was it Jomo? Jomo. Like, Jomo. Yeah. But he was, like, kind of laying out... Why is he calling him Jomo?

Bruh, get me hard. What's the root you were talking about?

They were just fine.

Where I am bummed is I used to be able to get drunk and fuck and fuck forever. Those days are long gone. Now I come home and I'm like, I try and I'm like, forget it. And I miss the good old days of

I'll ask for anything. I'll take the no gracefully.

I have science behind the pie.

i can't pull out the guy getting fucked against the wall oh fuck i want to say a thing but i have a friend i'm not gonna say his name but he he guard dog no not guard dog it's guard dog he's he's like been with a lady for a long time but never pied what like never once that's crazy it's kind of crazy right that's crazy that's great never never i think i know you're talking about

What's that? What is that?

Andy Malifarino. Panties in the motherfucking mouth. Panties in the motherfucking mouth. Oh, I thought you said Andy. You said me. It was me. Oh, oh. The Pod Squad. Panties in the mouth. Panties in the mouth podcast. P.I. Tim on YouTube. Oh, my God, dude. I gotta take a look at the boys.

It's an actual problem. But I just kind of was relating.

I am Ankh. I'm Ankh now. You have become Ankh. It's fine. I like it. I kind of love it.

It's the white wife effect. It's the white wife effect. You do it.

That's actually a soft spot. Please don't talk about the ass I lost.

In solidarity with my woman.

Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that.

no conflict no conflict yeah i think it's flipping that's the problem i'm going from non-conflict to like i think yeah i think i'm turning nasty and i'm trying to you're getting nasty i'm trying to keep it in though i'm trying not to be nasty nate i'm trying to i don't want to be no conflict either but i was i was happy there's no conflict but uh but people were no i want you guys i want them to have conflict yeah because i last time i saw each of you you were what's the word bitches

He's the writer. I like Nasty Nate, though. I'll be Nasty Nate.

That's what I'm saying.

Shane's seen it, but it was years ago.

He punched a special needs guy at an open mic. He wasn't special needs. He was after you punched him. I did. I did punch him. He asked for it, but... He probably was bipolar, though. But that doesn't count. I think you can punch a bipolar. You can't punch a bisexual, you can punch a bipolar.

I get the double negative. Damn, he was bisexual bipolar? He was definitely bipolar. He was possibly bisexual. What? He got in a kissing distance.

The first thing he did was blow a kiss at me. That is what started the conflict. I was walking into, it was like an open mic at the time that we were going to, and I was walking past and I just tried to say what up. And we got, cause we were clearly not like having, we were clearly having tension, but I was trying to not worry about that. And I walked past, said what's up. And he went.

And then, you know, I didn't sock him right then. Time had passed. I went outside to smoke and he just, he was trying to fight me, but like in an alleyway. He was like, let's go to an alleyway, wait for the mic. And I was like, you're a psycho. I know you're gonna try to stab me back here. He's gonna try to suck you. He's gonna try to suck you. I just came back to the mic. Zen. Yeah.

That's the funniest first thing.

What? She does. I've watched like four interviews. It's so funny.

Kind of the move though.

The Wags will play.

It's devastating.

He ashed the shrimp. Yeah, he ashed it.

Thank you.

So you can't... Steve, drink a fucking beer. You're a fucking pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lemaire, stop.

We can't keep going on like this. All right. All right.

I mean, that would be an heirloom. Finding a jeweler to do that had to be impossible. You'd be surprised. Oh, true. True.

If you can't flood both sides, what are you even doing? Wait, so the other side is no diamonds?

But yeah, it's pretty wild stuff. Yeah, it kind of doesn't get black people to start going around wearing swastikas. That would be devastating.

All right. I won't say no.

What are you keeping it from? I had no idea about the album. I had no idea.

A little harder right now. Yeah.

I think you would actually die.

A thousand guys. From a scourge from God?

I'll fucking fight you right now.

You're the horniest guy. I was sitting here quiet, like, yes. That's fair.

They would try to save the sluts. You'd have to watch out, though. I'd be talking to the Nazi bros. They're giving pussy out over there, man. Fucking chill out. Let them do their thing.

That's probably my favorite thing he's doing right now. Not probably. A hundred percent.

I think they broke up.

I think it's a room. I think they're still together.

A hot wife, I meant to say. Or she's a hot wife. That's even worse. Then he's a cuck. I mean, but isn't that, that's hot wifing, though, when you go around.

Yeah.

Get an okay rental bulldozer.

Yeah. Huh? No, that's what's nice about her. Those are giant nannies. She's natty. She's not enhanced. No, she's pure nanny. She's blessed by the Lord. Who? Bianca Sensori. I don't know. What does she do? Is that the current lady? Yeah, that's his wife. Current wife. My bad. In my mind, everyone knows her.

I think we need tough guy podcasts. Like, what's your favorite tough guy podcast? I think it makes America look good. We're around. We're talking tough. Who else is doing tough guy podcasts?

Yeah.

I mean, all the country. We have so many. Our tough guys need other shit to do. We're out of world tough guy work.

I'm just a shitty radish farmer.

yeah like have that shitty caffeine overdose feeling it's just anything that happens but guys fucking know that i saw you hang up on somebody because the food was coming can i bring that up that was my wife yes absolutely that was a good that was a great story yeah you were i don't know if you were you were on the phone when food was coming you were coughing up you started seeing the food you were like i i can't fucking do like you just kind of

Weren't you on a Joe Fast before then, though?

Yeah, only when I'm drinking for the most part. I kind of love it.

It's probably the best. Or I like night drinking when you're getting tired, but you don't want to end if you're in the middle of a good night.

That combo stinks.

Hungover and weed high.

Yeah. And you're like trying to just crush water to sober up and it's doing nothing. It's making you sick.

Ideal.

Yeah, yeah, he did.

I can swim a little bit. It's just my ass. Your ass rises. That's the funniest part. I think it's just my pot.

No, don't put that on me. Don't put that on me.

There's always LeBron in a French made-up. I think he did for, like, Halloween. He did for Halloween? I think he did it for Halloween. Let me see. Oh, my God.

For real?

Go ahead. What did you say? I was going to say, does that mean like back then, like now we're bummed when you have thot daughter. Does that mean back then they were kind of like, yes, she's a whore.

Yeah.

Yeah, man. So we're the ones who started caring about thot daughter.

Oh, damn.

No, I was inside all day, all night. I went out to walk the dog. That was it. Really? The stars were good last night. Was it a special star day?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, I don't know.

It was like a lunar eclipse and a blood moon, right? Like a red blood moon or something?

It's like, I'm in Europe.

That was so funny to me when I found out how dumb white people think Polish people are.

They're like, fuck it.

Or he meant what he said.

Do you think he had like a Nazi babe with him? He was like, you won't do it. I'll suck your dick right now. I don't think that Nazi babes exist.

I've never gone over that. What he said. What did they say he said?

Because when you first hear it, it's like, all right, it's a couple of points of your followers. Then you hear a word, don't take inches off my dick. And you're like, all right.

I'm going to start doing that rage bait.

Yeah, I make big white dollars.

I could flip it. I could flip it and be like... Just find... Flip it. I'd have to replace my woman, though. That would be... And I don't want to do that. That's the only way I can think I could flip it. If you went at Black Queens, you think you'd have to replace... I'd have to get a Black Queen and be like... And share the wealth. Or you could just wait.

What do you mean? You could get some money. You said there's no coming back. The only way to come back is to be like, all right, I start all over. Get a dashiki. Get a black queen.

Or I could get dollars on. Fuck everybody's head up. It's been a quiet. That would be nice.

Fall in love with Rachel Dolezal. Yeah.

22.

Yeah, there's been a lot of... Yeah, I think the Celtics are supposed to be good, and they're stinking. They're getting crushed by the... Who are they?

Yeah, the Knicks. I mean, that one was supposed to be a good series, I think, but I didn't know I saw them getting crushed like they're getting crushed by the Knicks. Yeah, but their game was brutal.

I have them up right here.

I hate to say it, but I do think Jason Tatum is going to get more than 25.

I'm giving a no on that. I don't think – I think there's no way.

Less. Less. My bad. Less.

I think less than eight boards. You think so? I think so. I don't – You don't think he's putting that ass on the other players? Yeah, I don't think he's got the hustle in him today.

They're up in the series. I don't think he's got the hustle in him.

Now I'm kind of thinking, I think who's going to win the finals is going to be a Western Conference team. Honestly, I don't want to say it, but I think my guess is the Nuggets. If I'm calling everything now, I kind of quietly think the Nuggets are going to surprise everybody.

Yeah, I think the Denver Frosty Nuggets. Damn. That worked out perfect for them, actually. I didn't think about that. Frosty Nugs for Denver Nuggets. You think they'll win? Yeah, I think they'll win. I think the Pacers are surprising everybody.

Yeah, I think they're going to make it to the Eastern Conference Finals. I think they'll get shut down in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Somebody will run through her. She'll turn to dust. Bro.

Not for a second. She would put up 50. Yeah, dude, what are you talking about? She's going to have to use a regular-sized ball. I'm pretty sure the WNBA ball is smaller. It is, yeah. That's fair.

I'm not anti-Kaitlyn.

Just put her and Reese in.

True. CeCe? Then they can join forces, reunite.

And just please come to Optum Noctis. We're going to have, you know, me, Lemaire, Gardini. It's always fun. We always have, I mean, Max dropped in the bus. That's just been sick. Thank you to everybody who's come. Just please come again. Thank you. June 6th, Optum Noctis.

Don't you do that too? Well, I use the Nespresso. I hit the pods.

Is that about 200 milligrams after the whole thing?

Hell yeah.

My guts can't handle cold brew. It dominates me. Really? I take a little bit of cold brew, I'm shitting. But it's kind of a nice move if I'm not shitting. Get some cold brew. Fix all my problems.

You think it's going no cig, just going to the pouches? It could be the pouches.

Yeah.

It always looks sick to me. I don't pay attention to politics, so I don't know.

To visit, to not live.

What? What? You saw you repping the Lord. Had to say what?

Hell yeah.

What made y'all make the move, like the church Mother's Day move?

It's just like... How far are you from one of the big cities? Huh? How far are you from one of the big cities in central? Because aren't the two north and south?

Okay. How long is that drive?

All my homies lads.

I knew that was girl stuff. My girl just fucking made us do that. Asked me because I got a TV to put the light behind it. Like that ambient.

What's your game animal?

Yeah, that's what I've been playing right now. Kingdom Come is the shit. I could talk about that the whole time. I won't do it, fellas.

That's like a World War II game? Nah, like medieval. What? It sounds super hyper-realistic. You have to forge your own weapons and hammer out a sword. It's... It seems like it would be dumb as hell, but it's fire.

You can bed wenches. It's pretty nice.

You're a blacksmith's son that's, like, working his way from the bottom to the top.

Something like that. You start as, like, a peasant. In the first one, you're a peasant, and then you work your way up to, like, being, like, you got... You're working with royalty. You're still not royalty or not a noble. I know what you mean. Yeah, but they fuck with you. And then the second one starts off, a bunch of chaos ensues. They steal all your shit.

So that's how they get you to start from ground one. Like, you and your whole crew get... I mean, your crew gets butt-fucked at the beginning of the game.

Yeah. You only survive because you were being horny with your bro. Like you and one of your bros sneak away to go look at ladies take baths. Whole squad gets murdered while they're doing that.

It's exactly that. That's how the game opens.

Yeah, you were camping on the side of the road. Yeah.

Yeah, that game's sick. Both of those games are sick.

What if your kids get into gaming? You think that could get you in? Oh, big time. Yeah.

Man, the best party family game used to be Rock Band. Hit a full Rock Band or Guitar Hero World Tour. That was the one I fucked with. It was Guitar Hero World Tour.

Yeah, for sure.

One day they'll figure it out, but that's what happens. The kids get nice quick. Yeah, that's true.

Nah, I'd be pretty happy, I think. Honestly, if I saw my dad controller smash, I would be like, I am his son. True, yeah.

I didn't get nothing. I feel pretty bad about it, though.

We were... I almost brought this up when we were doing the page last week because we were talking about X videos and how fucked up some of them videos look. You can always see the counter. It'll be one where it's like, that looks crazy, but it'll be like 30 million views and it's just like, That's crazy. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if that makes sense.

That's a bad losing attitude.

Do you ever? Most of the games me and my lady play are cooperative, and she's never carrying the most weight. So we're cool.

Cool on that now.

Yeah, she plays like the Baldur's Gate. We play Baldur's Gate when he was saying his lady plays. That shit was sick. Playing Borderlands 3, the old John right now.

Well, it can be a little bit of both. Hold on, here we go.

Is it smart? It's, like, I mean, you can literally fuck the other people in your group. You can't, but you can't, but the thing that's... You guys are swinging on RPGs. My girl did the respectful thing, though. She only made her character fuck the ladies. She didn't do no, she did no. I was like, that's a nice. She didn't catch any Baldur's Gate pipe? No, Baldur's Gate pipe.

I would have been mad, too.

Yeah, I'm like, what? Was your girl in the game before you, or did you get her into it?

We're talking about them porns that the girl X video looks too young and you try to fire it all. Oh, you see like how many people have viewed it? And you can see right under the video how many people have viewed it and the numbers are always nuts. It's always like a billion views. I know.

See you later.

Pick it up. Pick it up. The bros always bring some good shit.

Yeah. They got whole fucksies.

My dad has them now. They fell out his mouth or my nephew's head. He was like five.

Yeah, true. It's got food residue. Dogs are freaky, dude. Dogs are freaky. Lick ass and eat your fucking dentures.

Oh, I forgot you weren't there. Yeah, we were saving the X for you.

That's just how I move. I just gave her a nice call. How you doing?

That's double devastating. Even your fake teeth can't stay on your teeth.

That is a wild thing to say to a 55-year-old man.

Who's the guy that's tracking the LeMire pose?

What you got in there going to work on?

Start to send her some Amazon flowers, but I don't know.

Just a jacked.

Jacked pussy getting pastor.

Married in there?

I wasn't going to get that today, and it was like, well, at that point, she don't even care no more. Yeah. My mom doesn't like flowers. Ah. I think my mom, my dad used to be a flower dude. And then he stopped. And so I think it brings it back to like, somebody still getting me flowers. You know what I mean?

What were the meats, Paul? Seafood. Seafood. Oh, seafood bars. Gave my black queen a seafood.

That's awesome. That's awesome. What do y'all think about this? Happy Mother's Day to just a dog. My girl, we have a dog. She says she's a dog's mom. That's her white girl stuff. She kind of was shooting for it. I felt it towards the end of the day. She was shooting for a Happy Mother's Day frontman. No. I'm a big no. I'm not going to lie. I did give it to her in the moment.

Yeah, but I was like, come on.

I didn't even think about it. I showed up late. I got home late. I went to the Stars game yesterday. Dallas Stars. Got in that ass. And showed up at 10. Just no energy. I was cooked. I just was sitting there. I couldn't have gave her none on Mother's Day if she wanted it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was screaming. I was having a good time. I didn't know nothing that was going on.

My pops used to try to be a romantic, romantic, rent a limo, go do. He used to be like that kind of guy. He went all out for it. Couldn't afford it though. It was probably a real bad move.

Like a life-changing moment for you. You're done getting work as a video boy now, I think. I guess so.

Do you get a bag? Does he give you one of his bags? Is it a trade?

The tariffs on the babes.

Yeah, or when you're working in the office, like, that's what I used to do. I used to send them my girl drones, and that was all it was for.

I see.

It's crazy how many countries will act that way, but they're so clearly wrong. Just we're the best.

Come on, man.

I don't even think people would miss y'all.

And every lady in the place is jealous. Yeah, that's it.

I thought they wouldn't be on the list. That was about to be my guess. I thought they were just bodying them.

Damn. That's not a good look.

You don't want it to get out.

I saw all this stuff going on with Barstool. It sounded like y'all knew it was going to happen.

the wild wild west oh hell yeah nate jackson dude making it easy for me bro you got the name tag on god damn dude it's awesome shut up to work bro little narcissistic jacket my bad dude so i um i saw your your clip and i think you took it down with a freaky ass little boy I don't know. I think it's up. Is it up? I couldn't find it. I was trying to show my wife.

Dude, I guarantee Red Bull's been sued five million times.

Dude, people have heart attacks.

What? Yeah, dude, if you drink too many, there's people who have, like, genuinely no understanding about, like, what's in anything, and they'll just drink, like, I know people who drink, like, five Rockstars a day. Back to back? Yeah, during the day. It, like, fucks up your kidneys and shit.

That's what I thought. I thought he genuinely did have, like, a tick.

It's organic.

Yeah, Red Bull, okay, 13 mil, that's nothing, bro.

Throughout the situation, Red Bull insisted their marketing tactics were honest and clear, rejecting any deceitful practices. However, the lawsuit was settled in 2015 when Red Bull paid customers $13 million, but maintained their marketing was not dishonest. You can't see any of that glare? I just ripped right through it. I didn't see it until you mentioned it.

No, now that you mention it, now all I can see is you.

So you can't do that twice. Yeah, you can't fuck around.

Yep. That's like the dude who measures cereal.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? If anything, we think we're older now than those that think young. I do like the Coca-Cola commercials when it's just beautiful people just dancing on a rooftop. And it's like, dude, they're not slamming Coca-Colas, bro.

You know what I mean? This is like a bunch of models just chugging Coca-Colas and doing salsa dancing.

Yeah.

I stopped eating behind the wheel. I got in a small accident one time. What were you driving?

uh i was driving like a just a minivan you were driving a minivan yeah so i think it's like my friends uh it's like an astro or one of those things like a safari okay and what were you eating tacos that's pretty aggressive for driving it was it was too much i did i did have a little white wine too beforehand so you were drinking and driving in tacos

I think I drank before and then I took food to go.

I don't remember. I don't think I was drinking white wine while driving. Were you blacked out? No, no, no. I was like barely buzzing. That was the problem. But if I was drunker, I wouldn't pay attention.

Yeah. He started wigging out. True. Look, he was there. You know, he was there, and he was licking the air. And it did, like, change. Because I was watching, like, what the fuck is this kid doing? And he was just licking the air. And then once he started talking about him, he started like. He was killing. That's what was happening. He was murdering. The motherfucker had timing and everything.

I was at a red light eating. I just didn't realize I let go of the brake. I let go of the brake at the red light.

Rolled forward, bonked into the city car. It was like a city, like an L&I inspector. Just bonked them. It was so light, but it was just, they came out and tried to be like. They were in the car? Yeah, yeah. It was at a red light. They got out the car, and they're like. They tried to be like, what the fuck? They were within their right to be like, hey, what the fuck is that about?

I just put that down. I was like, dude, I don't know what the hell happened. And they were like, we're going to call the cops. I'm like, come on, man, don't do that. That's crazy. You guys don't have any damage. And then they were just like, you know, just got out of it.

Yes. I just let go of the brake and just totally.

I sure have. But I have good, I've had people hit my car multiple times in a similar situation. I was like, whatever, man, we're fine. Yeah, if it doesn't leave a mark. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. I was like, so I let two people off the hook and I think it just kind of, I had a lady fucking nail my car. But it was like a Ford Contour. Dude, they had like a steel bumper.

The car was such a piece of shit. Her car or yours? Mine. Mine. It was like a different color panel, all that stuff. And I also had a guy at a wedding. The car was like such a piece of shit. But the guy backed in and crunched my door in.

And I fully went after his ass. And I got more than the car was worth. Damn. And he was really pissed off about it. And then I felt kind of bad about that because I did definitely just pocket all that money. Didn't fix the car. From insurance?

He, he only, he wanted to go through his insurance. So he cut me a personal check for like $1,700 for a car. And I had, he was like kind of, you know, he was like kind of like evading me a little bit. So I had to like call him up and I like, well, I was outside his office, his office. I'm like, bro, I need to get my car fixed. Like you got a fork.

And he was like, I know you're not fixing this fucking car. And I was like, bro, I'm fixing it right now. I didn't do that. Yeah. Cause I wasn't in the car. He, I, we were at like a wedding and he backed into the car. He did fuck my door up, but after... Was he at the wedding, too?

He might have been having a little white wine and tacos himself. He was part of the family? It was like in-law, other side. You know, the two sides come together at a wedding. So, yes. It wasn't blood. If it was blood, I would have let it slide, but I don't know this guy. I don't know this fucking guy. And it was a long time ago. He's on the other side of the aisle. Fuck him.

Yeah, I'm a better person now. But back then, I was hungry for that paper. I need my money. Yeah, I was like, give me my $1,700, bro.

Yeah, I had an old Chinese guy hit me one time.

Yeah, you could have really wrecked his life, too, if you were like, nah, the cops are coming, bro. Yeah. Yeah, you could have called ICE. Potentially. Potentially. That would suck to have to go back to Honduras over a fender bender. I wonder if it was Honduran.

It's like you have a family, you have a job, you're living the American dream, and then it's like, no, dude, you scratched my paint. Wait, the fuck you doing eating tacos in traffic? Yeah, you got to go fucking back. He's like, what's a taco? Yeah, true. Yeah, and an old Asian guy bumped me one time. Really? And, dude, it was like we were in like neck to neck.

We were just like in like gridlock traffic, and he just somehow, and I'm like watching the whole thing.

Yes, and I was like, there's no way. He just tried to get into my lane and hit my car, and I was like, dude.

Dude, we were – it was like – I started laughing. Were you parked the whole time, like still? We were pretty still from what I remember. I think we stopped. But did you inch forward at all? No, it wasn't one of those because I always – I let people go. I'm not going to be like, no. He like came – I didn't even see him. He was behind me. He just came from behind?

Yeah, so I think I was like... Wait, hold on, I'm sorry.

No, did he, dude? I got hit by an old Asian dude hitting me. From the back.

That would be crazy. I think I just saw him in my mirror coming, and I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing? All of a sudden, he was just donking. I was like...

bro he was so funny when he came out he was just like an old asian guy it was like he got alerted he had the exclamation mark above his head and it was i was like dude you're too funny you gotta go i can't i can't hold this against you this is so funny get his name no i i was he was couldn't speak any english and he kept being like oh not so bad not so whatever he was trying to say and i was just like bro you're you're hilarious let's go you guys are so fucking funny that's amazing

Yeah, so that's why I got blessed by the L&I guys from the city. They could have got me. They're tied in with the whole thing. So you're saying it's karma. You believe in karma. Big time.

That's just how I roll. I wasn't even thinking about the future rewards. I've always fantasized lightly about someone fucking nailing my car or something and me just being cool as fuck and being like, dude, I don't even care about material possessions.

It's a city vehicle. They probably fucking did. You changed their fucking lives. They'll never work again. That's, by the way, that's what cops are all after. They're all trying to get put on disability. Like, oh my God, it's crazy. I thought construction was bad. Cops are like, they all want to go on disability. I mean, I shouldn't say all, but I would say like 99.6%. 0.6 is so specific.

I'm going to leave it a couple.

Like a poll. 0.4, bro. Yeah. Well, I've

So a cop can't sue the city per se, but yes, if they get hurt, they can go on just basically disability and the city will cover them. If you get hurt, you can't sue the city and get a million bucks. But if you can prove that you're hurt because of the job, you'll just carry cop benefits for the rest of your life and you can just chill.

Yeah, but what they will do is if you're not hurt enough, they will put you on desk duty. So if you can prove that, like, if you sit down at a desk and it still hurts your back. Like, if you're like, oh, I can't sleep, they're like, yo, to desk duty. But if you, like, get fucked up and you're like, dude, sitting all day doing paperwork. It's not going to work. Yeah. My knees are locking up.

Yeah, when they bring a five-year-old out. It's like the casino. You see the casino.

My back is... They'll fight you on it, but if you can prove it, they're like, all right, and you just have... You're done.

You probably have the same thing.

Yeah. I knew a dude who lost, like, a couple hundred grand playing goalie in street hockey when he had a case. I knew a guy... They took pictures of him just fucking...

What was that movie where the guy at the very end was like limping and he starts walking? I forget, there was a fucking... I have no idea. There's... I think so, yeah.

I'm just talking about Mr. Terry. No, there's a movie where, because I used to work with a guy who fucked his foot up, and he would limp, and we'd all laugh. Like, dude, I guarantee on Friday, he just fucking, as soon as he gets to his car, he's like, ah, all right.

Because he limped, and he, I think he got like, yeah, they fucked his foot up like forever, and he got like 100 grand, I think. I think there's like prices. Like, if you lose a finger, that's like 16,000 bucks. That's it? Yeah, I mean, you would think so for a finger, but, yeah, it's not like you don't get, like, 100 Gs for a finger.

True. They got to break it. You're fucked, yeah.

I could be wrong about that, but I think there is, like, a real, like, value thing on, like, your body parts for, like, if you lose them at work. Is there a value? Yeah, I think a pinky is, like, pinky you get, like... What do you think is the most expensive body part? A private? Yeah, if you lose your dong, you're fucked, dude. Because you can't even reproduce. That's got to be a milli.

Or they might be, like, a deli counter. Like, they have, like, what's your meat limit? There it is, the value of body parts. Yeah. There we go.

It's got a blur on it. Yeah, so assembly line worker loses a finger, might receive 18 Gs. I'm pretty close. Accidental death and a dismembered insurance policy might be $5,000. What the fuck? I'd be pissed if someone paid me five grand for my life.

Appreciate you for coming here.

uh your arm would be 124 there we go eye 64 finger yeah so your pinky finger is 6 000 your thumb you do get more you're absolutely right 35 but 35 bro that's not enough to never be able to grip again yeah i mean a thumb your eyes worth more than your thumb how because you can't see folks 82 yep and so you can't even balance without a big toe Yeah, dude, that's what you get.

New York Workers' Compensation Board. They figured out your body parts in a dollar amount.

Yeah, $100,000. $115,000 for a leg? That's not enough. Why is your arm worth more than your leg? I guess it's easier to kind of have like a peg leg, I guess.

I guess, you know, you use your arms more, but your leg, you can just stand on whatever. It doesn't even fucking matter. Get a kickstand.

Yeah. I is nice.

That's true. Yeah. I also do a pushup. Mash yourself against ladies tits and be like, what? I'm being nice. I'm fucking can't drive.

Yeah, legging, you just peg it up. You'll be all right. But yeah, now you know. No ear? What's an ear if you lose your ear? But I think this is the trouble of working for yourself. Yeah, losing an ear, I don't think they even include that. But if you work for yourself and you lose your hand, you're just fucked.

Dick's probably, like, they keep that behind the glass. That's, like, reserved information. They don't want people knowing. Dick's got to be millions of dollars. Your ass? Yeah. If you blew your ass, they'd be like, here's 80 grand.

I know, dude. I really appreciate that.

It's got to be the least. You don't even need it. I fucking blew my ass up at the factory. They're like, dude, shut the fuck up. Can you type in how much is an ass worth? I think something else is going to come out. It's got to be. True. What's an ass worth right now? What is ass worth right now? Shit. Depends on if it's from a prostitute girlfriend or a wife. A wife, half.

Yeah, so I don't think you can, I don't think you can like really.

I didn't think, yeah. I was like, when you were going.

Because they can also, if you're talking about losing a cheek, they can put a pop of cheek on. That's nothing, man. You can mix and match with that.

Yeah. If you like someone somehow, like again, that'd be a crazy accident to cut your ass off.

Or a mailman. They got that whole window open, man. If you fall out, you can just scrape your ass off the fucking side.

Yeah, if you lose your ass, you know, again, it's like, the problem is if you somehow destroy your asshole at work, that's where the big bucks come in. You get the hole, they got to pay you.

True, yeah, they pull it down. Yeah, they can cut out like half your intestines and they're like, whatever. We got over 100 feet. Yeah. Who was I talking to? I don't know. Someone I know had a shit bag temporarily. They got fucked up. Because of that? He didn't fuck his ass up at the factory, but he had something else going on.

I think they gave him a temporary setup where he had a colostomy bag. Yeah, he had the colostomy, but temporarily? So I don't know if it was for life. I don't know how the fuck they do that.

I didn't know you could, I think it's a camelback. That's like those back. No, I don't know.

I'm sure you can have one of those, but a pee bag, I wouldn't, a pee bag wouldn't be bad. shit bag is rugged dude to be out in public right my friend has a he has actually a ring well not a ring doorbell but he has security cameras around his house and he's caught a dude emptying his shit bag in his driveway really on cam yeah that's a do you know that guy no he doesn't know that guy

I appreciate you, man.

It's already in a bag. Take it somewhere appropriate.

His house was in like a... The neighborhood's kind of fucked up, but it was like his house has like a driveway and none of the houses have driveways. Okay. So people would go up there for years and like, dude, people would fuck back there. So it was like... Oh, he had that house.

Yeah, exactly. And it's right off of in Philly, there's like Lancaster Ave. And that's like, Lancaster Ave is like an open area. It's like an open area, like drug and prostitution markets where everyone goes. He's like a block behind. So that was like the quiet area you would go to do shit. But to drop out all your shit out your bag there. That's disrespectful. Yeah. Fucking is one thing.

Yeah, dude. We're fucking forging a connection. I feel fucking blessed as hell. I feel more blessed.

But he does have, he has it all on vid. He is like, dude's just...

busting on prostitutes quickly on video like just little quick videos yeah well it's just that's it doesn't you know he has the video could be as long as they want but good at their job man yeah especially when you're standing in the driveway you got the adrenaline pumping you're holding up a leg blood flowing yeah dude yeah they he said he's like i gotta pour out my shit bag

Yeah, it's like disturbing. He showed me some of the videos and I'm like, man, that's like almost disturbing. You should put it out a series. It would be within his right. Honestly, that's a dark driveway. Like that's your, I'm like, that is your content. You could put it out. It's like shit bags. Fucking mostly people fucking probably be the stuff people want to see.

Dude, my fucking ass is wet, dude. I'm just going to go the other way. See how it happens? Do you see what I'm saying? I know. I actually do get freaky as hell. By the way, we're just jumping in. How freaky would you say you are? I don't give a shit.

Yeah.

Well, I feel like if he hung up a little disclaimer, it's like, yeah, at that point. Yeah, be like, we are live. You think people don't give a shit? Or they just don't read it. If it's nighttime, it's like, you can't see that. But then it's like, you're going to go sue.

That's like when women have condoms on them.

Yeah. I feel like there's a lot of finger banging going on in the church parking lot, though.

I didn't know where I was.

Yeah, I used to do behind the Verizon store. There was a Verizon that they just stopped construction on. So there was just an empty Verizon store. That was like my spot in high school. There was a Les Schwab. A what? Les Schwab Tire Store. Oh, a tire store would be decent. I used to keep a blanket and a pillow.

That's what I'm saying, how freaky. I mean, really, gay is the end of it. You just get gay at the end.

That's kind of a nice little carport.

Occupied.

Yeah, we'll blank his name.

He was fucking. No problem. Yeah. I had a. Graham cracker toenails. My dad. My dad called me carrying like the blanket and pillow to my car one time. He's like, what are you doing with that?

He was like, we don't. I was like, I don't know if I ever have like a sleepover. I'll be like ready to roll. He was just like, all right, dude. I also had like some like landscapers. The Verizon finally went like active. Yeah. And it was, like, it was during the day, too. I was just going nuts.

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We're talking about fucking in cars. We're talking about fucking in cars with a magic burrito. Check it out. Let's go. Let's go. Here we go.

Would you use them like a Fifi, basically? What are you saying? What's a Fifi? Like the prison pussy people make where they put, like, sandwich bags together? No, no, no, no. So you would just store lotion in a towel in case the handjob was coming?

I thought you were saying you like squirt it into a towel. I was still in the container.

Oh, you had the whole set. You had a mobile kit. It's a magic burrito. I see what you're saying. I thought you were saying you squirted.

The bullet you're saying? Yeah. Exactly. It depends on your intention. So baby oil, again, you can give you like your- What else would you throw as hard as you can? Rock. Okay.

Yeah, true. We were young. It's true, yeah.

We were young. It takes a woman a whole life to learn how to give a handjob properly.

I was getting hurt, dude. Yeah, it was the first time I got a handjob. I think it was in grade school.

Oh, the first time I got one that I was like, hold on. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. It was a revelation.

Yeah, where the kid's like licking. He just keeps licking. Air coochie?

I'm the best, bro. I'm the best in the biz. No, I'm the best in the biz.

No, I'm telling you, man.

I don't double twist. I've never double twisted.

But you were on your own. You figured out there's levels to this shit. I mean, I didn't realize how bad girls were until like grade school. And I was kind of like, whoa. I was like, yo, stop. Like, this hurts. They were just like trying to like upward it. And I was like, yo, that's a lot of meat.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I'd have to say like a, maybe like a wishy-washy. I've been to like the wishy-washy before back when I was a young man.

That's like when you go in like the massage parlor and the Asian ladies like give you a bath and jerk you off.

Yeah, I wouldn't start if you haven't already done it, but the... Is it addicting or something? When you're younger, it's just like you get drunk. Those are everywhere where I'm from. They're fucking everywhere. Foot spa. They're everywhere. Foot massage. Everywhere. Every time you drive around, and once you know what they are, I'm like, ah, fuck.

The problem is, is. Kids, I'm going to the movies by myself.

The walk, the entrance is the worst part. You got to like walk in and you're just like, Jesus fucking Christ. And then you're in there and then you leave and you're like, oh. Do they know you?

I do throw that as hard as I can to little effect usually. Snap.

Yeah, I don't know. I kind of look like a cop, so I was like, I don't think they care.

A lot of them have the FOP stickers on the outside window. They're paying the cops. They're like paying. Really? Yeah, you can be like an FOP donor. Okay. I remember thinking that was kind of a wild move, though. They had like FOP year after year all over the window.

You guys leave us alone. I would say allergies. I think it's a bad habit. It's a bad habit. Are you getting emotional? I'm thinking about the wishy-washy. Goodness.

To be fair, they literally lay you on a table and just dump buckets of hot water on you and just fully wash you down.

It's definitely, if nothing else, it's a relaxing experience.

No, what do you mean? Like, when I came out, I mean, your hair might be a little wet. That's kind of suspicious.

Like, motherfucker, you went, didn't you? The wet hair and the smelling like lotion would have been more of a giveaway, but... But not the light feet and the floating around? No, because you kind of, like, come out of there, like, ugh. You have to, like, emerge back into the world.

It's like, if you're ever, like, a sex shop, you ought to, like, walk in and walk out, and you're kind of, like... Do you feel dirty? Yeah, big time.

One time, no. Whistling? I wish I did, but I did see a man one time who did exactly that. I was working. I was doing demolition, and we were, like, taking down a parking garage. So my job was to, like, stand on, like, the third floor of it and just watch, make sure people didn't, like, have shit fall on them in the little alley.

And there was a wishy-washy in that alley. What? So I just watched people go in and out all day. Yeah. And, like, we would all fuck with them. We'd be like, yo, and they would come out, and, like, most people would scamper. Right. So one old man just looked at us and went... Did a little bow. You're welcome. I was like, dude, you're the man. I was like, I just want to be like you when I get older.

Yeah, that confidence, that's nuts. But then you get into it, though, and then, like, you find out later a lot of them are, like, kind of like sex slaves. So that's not good. Sex slaves? Well, what happens is if you run one of those things, what you do is you bring girls over. You say, hey, like, you know, we have a modeling agency. You're really pretty. You bring them over from Korea.

And then once they get there, you just yank their fucking paperwork. And you're like, this is what the fuck you're doing.

Yeah. I didn't know that.

Yeah, well, that's the mama-san. But then it's like there's definitely a dude running that place. Really? Oh, yeah, bro. Definitely. They're like organized crime. Yeah, you're bringing women in. What's mama-san? That's the head lady, the old lady. Yeah, the madam. She gets to run it. Yeah, the mama-san.

Dude, people are doing it though. Milo Yiannopoulos was like a famous gay guy. He's not gay anymore. What? Lil Nas X claims he's not gay anymore. You can't un-gay. He sucked the devil's dick, dude. He did it. You can't un-gay. I don't think you can either, but these guys are doing it, and they're making millions.

Yeah, I was reading a book recently. That's fucking awesome. I was reading a book recently.

Let's check these Yelp reviews first. Yeah, I read a book. It was set in the 1890s.

Apparently they had a huge boom out there. Maybe that was the gold rush. I don't know. Ma, Miss Ma or something. First prostitutes were Native American women. Yeah, I'm sure they weren't really kind of, you know, like, hey, guys, you want a job? That might have been a kind of a coercive situation.

Oh, man.

Back in those little towns or those, you know, they were little towns originally.

I was like, who the fuck is that?

Yeah, and also she probably had the DOS on all those guys. So she was like, she called the mayor.

For sure.

Yeah, that was probably crazy. 1890s hitting, like, whorehouses and shit in a new, like, wild western town. That must have been insane.

Or it would be like, you know, you might have had a guy in there, like a mayor, get like rough with like a younger girl. And it's like, yeah, all it would take would be like, yeah, that guy's a piece of shit and everyone would believe it. Believe her for sure. For sure. And they could be like, I've seen, I know. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. True.

No. You can't.

Or it could be like, he has a mole on his ass. I can prove it. And the mayor would be like, fuck. His wife would know.

Dude, I was reading another book, and it was like this, it was like, I think World, no, Korean War. And they got stationed in Germany, and they would have like their cigarettes. It was like this Irish immigrant guy who came to America, and he joined the Korean War. So, like, all the American soldiers were over in Germany, and they would have to drive, like, the laundry back and forth.

But on the road, they would stop at refugee camps and trade, like, coffee and cigarettes to, like, starving, like, refugees, like, Eastern European women. Right. And just fuck them. What? In, like, a hovel. It was, like, I was reading this, like, God, that's ruthless, dude. It was a hovel. Just, like, a shitty, like, makeshift, like, tent set up.

And they would just, like, go back there and just, like, get blown by, like, starving women for cigarettes and be, like, nice. Fuck. Oh, they were giving them cigarettes for the head? Yeah, like head or just fuck them and just be like nice. And it was like he was explaining. He's like they were freezing cold and like dirty and like starving. And I was like, oh, bro, that's horny.

Yeah, that's pretty horny, dude. Back then, dudes were like fucked up how horny they were.

So that's still up. I thought it was down. After I watched it, I was like, oh, maybe he has like a tick or something.

Yeah. Funny enough, the laundry was being done in Dachau. What's Dachau? It's like one of the concentration camps. So World War II had like just happened. So it was pretty fresh when they were like exterminating Jewish people. And that was like one of the, it was like, you know, Dachau and whatever. I always heard Auschwitz. Auschwitz. That was the big one. But there was a couple other ones. Okay.

Auschwitz gets, you know, kind of all the most famous one. People talk about that, but yeah, he had to go to Dachau and like he is with a Jewish guy and they like pulled up on it and he was like, oh shit. And the guy like completely freaked out.

I think he just, his parents were there or something. I think, like, because back then, I think your family would just get wiped. Like, if you were a Jewish dude, yeah, you would lose, like, your whole family would just get, like, obliterated. You mean just, like, during? World War II. But the Korean War. When was the Korean War, Josh? I think it was pretty shortly after.

Yeah, it was, like, pretty shortly after World War II.

Mm-hmm. That could be... Because they love fried chicken, dude.

Whoa.

Because, dude, I used to work for a Korean guy, and they... Love fried chicken, dude.

Oh, I didn't know that.

That's fucking nuts. And they came over there and were like, all right, we're going to... Yes, African American soldiers stationed in Korea during the Korean War. Most likely taught Korean soldiers.

I will say, and this is actually—this could be debatable, but I feel like when black guys do become gay, they, like, really quantum leap into, like, very gay. Does that make sense?

Damn, dude. Then they all came over shortly after, set up the shops.

Yeah, that was... Like that Kimora Lee look. Blasian was, like, mythologically hot back in, like, the early.

Yeah, she's White Nation.

Yeah, it's literally the hottest combination by far. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty nuts.

I think the hotter they are, they go either way. If they're kind of beat, they'll present pretty age. If they get hot, they're just like, I'm letting go. So the hotter they are, the blacker they act? Wow. That's my theory. I don't know. I could see it. I would. What the hell? I'm not bringing anyone a glass of water if I'm a fucking Malaysian 10.

And they don't act like that. No, not at all. I was just making a joke. But no, I dated a Malaysian girl. What was the joke? I missed it. I was just saying, if you're hotter, it's like, why would they be, like, meek and humble like typically Asians are? You know what I'm saying? That's fucking funny. And I'm sorry I missed it. That's okay. It's totally fine. No, it's worth going back to get.

To be honest, though, I dated a girl who was half black and half Asian years ago. Was she a cop, too? No, she was not a cop. She was a fucking doctor. Well, she was studying to be a doctor. Of course. I only deal with women of magnets of industry.

There's big leader Titans in the industries, but the, uh, I would like be sitting there like drinking water and like my water cup will get low and like, we're not even like making a big stink about it. She would like pick it up real quick, fill it back and set it back down. I was just like, what the fuck? Wow. The hell is this?

That was a, I was just a setup. It was just like, Oh shit, your water's low. Let me go get that and fill that back up. And I was like, man, the hospital, the hospital. Yeah, exactly. The hospital. I asked her, I'm like, what the fuck was that about? And she's like, it's just been drilled into my head.

Oh, Guamanian. Chimorro. Gotcha, gotcha.

I know. It's fucking, you know. Not the worst thing in the world?

So what are your aspirations in the romantic sense? Are you bachelor for life, or do you have kids?

You're saying you're on the road a lot.

No, no, no.

I did see that.

Gay white guys go. They, like, jump in on it, too.

Oh, so that was the right man being like, bro. Yeah.

Oh, dude, yes. That's true.

I've seen him on TikTok.

Yeah. Can we get a selfie?

When you're dating and that happens, it's the best. Because then a girl's like, eh. Is it though? They like that.

Yeah, that's true. Okay, sugar. I didn't think about that. I'm just thinking about coming. Yeah, that's true. Life building, that is tough.

Yeah. You're like, what? Why? I guess, Chad. You're a 29-year-old white guy. Why are you talking to me? What is going on? I think they think just from being gay, they get to just like take the whole menu and be like, I'll be a black lady too. I'm gay. I'm fucking.

Have you ever done that, though? Has anyone ever just, like, sat and just, like, not smashed and built, like, a genuine friendship? No. Oh, he said he has. What do you do, though? He was like, hey. Legos.

Yeah, I feel like I, you know, I wasn't like, man, I wish I did that. I was with my wife, luckily, when, like, you know, we were all in, like, an air mattress, so it wasn't like...

Yeah. So that was kind of nice. Right. You know, the woman you said you were going to have sex with behind my back on camera. The cop?

That sounds really mean to me to say that. But no, dude, yeah, we met before that. So yeah, I couldn't imagine if it was like, it would be kind of weird. But then it's like, what is even the problem with that? It's like being a lady with big tits, being like, you just like me because of my big tits.

Yeah.

And you're both open. That's the problem too. You're both open to – if you're online dating, it's like there's just people who like they have been talking to or you have been or hitting you up and you got to be like, oh, actually, it's like – Everybody got somebody, a floater, an ex, a next, a last. Yeah, that's a practice they say.

It's called cushioning that women do where they'll keep like communications going with like four or five dudes.

Yeah, it's some fucking bullshit, man. That's something I was never a fan of. Like, dude, just my friend. I'm like, I don't have any fucking friends, dude.

True.

Yeah, that's that's pretty. Yeah, I never I was always more of a boyfriend type. I wish I was more of like the mysterious kind of sexy intruder.

They do. Yeah. They don't just like sit at like a kitchen table, quietly smoking a cigarette.

Yeah, he's a very – Yeah. That, like, catches on, too. Once, like, enough women are, like – Oh, my God, he's so hot. The rest of the hive mind kicks in. They're like, I want to suck his dick, too. And you're like, well, hold on.

Yeah.

The money.

But, yeah, it is tough. I never thought about the kind of, like, once you're, like, kind of doing well, then you have to kind of, like, try to pick. We have to pick someone.

I've heard about it. Does that sound right? Yeah, it's like an elite dating app kind of.

How do you even do that, though?

I don't know why. That's been a recent development. No, it hasn't. Really?

That's my question. How hard do you have to be balling?

Someone just literally told me about this. Elite Singles apparently is one.

Oh, they probably check your follower count and blah, blah, blah.

Damn. But then it's like – I don't know.

I think you're still a rare material.

I mean, I mean, like, I'm like, it is a having online notability or notoriety is like a blazing sword in the online dating scene. I got to test this theory out back when I was dating online. So I had a regular profile. I was kicking around, regular dude, doing stand-up. And then my friends did a web series for and had Comedy Central. So then I got a picture. I had a small role in it.

So I got to put a picture on my dating app of me with the Comedy Central logo. Forget about it, bro. It wasn't even right. I should have done it. I mean, it was kind of some bullshit on my part because I had a two-second thing on a web series. People see that and they go, TV. And the messages came in way faster.

Yeah. You guys don't snap? Yeah, that's... Unless you're calling cattle or something. Yeah. Yeah, that's – they need to hear about that. They need to stop that. If I see that again, if I see that happening, I'm going to be like – because I'm not bragging or whatever. My wife's black, so let me deal. But she'll get those guys fired up on the airline. Huge deal. It's huge.

Everybody's literally taking pictures for my show. Yeah. I mean, I was a pig. I had no problem just utilizing that time.

I know what you mean.

They don't like that at all.

Dude, it's nothing worse. My wife does that. She's like, well, just go out to dinner before the show.

Oh, fuck.

yeah it's not my real name luckily i think luckily for me i've never i'm always just kind of like i'm always like whatever and it was again i didn't have to deal with any of that stuff because we met yeah we met on air mattresses yeah but i always do rub my like what little success i have in her face at every moment i'm like dude how you like me now she's like shut the fuck up

It is funny, though, because when you get recognized when you're dating, it's like, yes, dude, I'm definitely getting pussy tonight. Now, like, it'll happen with my wife. And I used to even, like, rub that in her face. And now she's, like, getting me into it. She's like, whatever. She's like, yeah, here, I'll take a picture. So before I'd be able to be like.

My wife does it. She'll blow my spot up all the time. And, like, they, like, don't even care. The internet, the way it is, is, like, people will, like, see you and be like, oh, my God. Or nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all or nothing, yeah. So my wife will just be like, oh, well, actually, my husband's a comedian. I'm like, bro, will you please stop doing that, man? Yeah, it's weird to sell it.

Yeah, I don't want that. And she's like, I'm just so proud. But I'm like, don't do that.

Yeah, that's... Which is weird because I rarely even wear this jacket.

But no, it is weird because it's one of those things... Like if you were like a dentist and you had 40 fucking dental practices and you're making millions of dollars... People won't freak out like that. There's something about show business that gets... It, like, rocks people to their core.

But she gets them fired up. What the fuck? She sees gay white guys in the airplane. She'll be like, yeah. And they just like. She turns them up. She's like, yeah, bitch. Look at y'all. Okay, serve it. Okay. Exactly. Exactly. And you're just sitting there like, oh, my God. She fires them up. They feed off each other. But I think.

But she's like...

Come on. Yeah, that's always awkward. And the husband's like, yeah, say cheese. Like, while the love of his life is like. Dude, that is the most uncomfortable possible. For what role, though? Her, him, or me? You and him, I would say. I think she's having a great time. I'd probably say him the most. Yeah, probably.

I've, like, yeah, sometimes the pictures, you'll feel like just someone mashed their tits into you, and you're like. Yo, get off me, dude. This happened to me in... I might start being like, get off of me, ma'am. Get off me. Back the fuck up. I'll take a picture of you, too.

I just have my headphones on looking down, and I tell her, I'm like, you know, stop getting the gays fired up. Oh, man, there's an entire Pokemon having an evolution in front of you, and you're not going to watch that? What do you mean? I tell her, I'm like, dude, you're getting these guys fired up. You don't want to see that? Have you been watching Pokemon? When I was a kid.

But again, if you were just like, yeah, I own fucking 47 Carrabbas and people, they don't give a fuck. They wouldn't know. If your image gets plastered onto a screen, it deifies people and people think it's a big deal.

When I was asking you, yeah.

Yeah.

And then you're supposed to be like, well, let's just be buddies after you said that.

You were battling the other Nate Jackson? At first.

Jigglypuff's song is a deep cut. Yeah. I mean, I know stuff. I'm watching Pokemon again right now with my kids. The whole thing? Yeah, it's so good, dude. I'm watching it with my kids.

Yeah, it is fucking weird. No, actually, for women, it makes sense, though, because they got to do, like, a thorough investigation to make sure, like, you're not going to kill them. So they all do that. No, but they... Like, you know...

A couple years.

I didn't always get a kick out. I had friends that would, like, completely lie to women. That was, like, their move. They'd be like, like, I was like, it was, like, years and years ago. But I've had friends that be like, yeah, man, like we were like younger. Like, yeah, like I own a business. Like, you know, we work together and I'd be sitting there like. It's all a fallacy.

You don't own a fucking business. But I'm like, yeah, that was always a wild move.

You're with that? No, I would never lie like that. I always felt weird being like, because then it's like they're going to find out eventually. But like I had friends that would just like cook up these wild lies.

Yeah. One time I did tell a girl I played on, I was visiting LaSalle and I just like told this girl that I played, I think like soccer or football for some reason. I think somebody said that about me just fucking with her. And I was like, yeah, I play football. And I think we made out because of that. So I saw me, that's my bad, but I was hammered.

You mean, like, the live-action movie?

I don't remember, but I do remember I stole, I stole football.

As a Seahawk?

Yeah, gosh, no problem.

And almost got a handjob. That's not bad.

Yeah. Explain this. Yeah.

Yeah. True.

And he's like, Holy fuck dude. Right. For the Broncos. I got him. And he's hilarious.

Well, dude, we're at an hour, man. Thanks for doing this, bro. That's crazy you flew in. I really appreciate that, man.

Pokemon, it holds up. I'm re-watching it, and I'm like, this show, I was right.

Friends.

For sure.

It was awesome, bro. Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about. I just want people having a good time, man.

That'd be sick.

Hell yeah.

Right on.

I did that one once.

Nice.

I appreciate it, man. Yeah, once I get a new hour, dude, I'll swing there.

Yeah, I remember he was with like an older, I guess it was his parents or grandparents. Yeah, and he was just eating. It was just like the focused thing you're talking to. I think his grandfather and he just, this little kid started just going.

Fuck Tacoma, dude. I'm not even worried about the... What's it called? The Tacoma Comedy Club? I don't want you to say fuck. I'm kidding. I'm fucking around. They were nice. They were very nice. I don't want you to say fuck them. I know. I'm kidding. Jesus Christ, fuck them, though. I'm kidding. No, they could use another... No, fuck them. So... They were very nice, actually.

No, they're cool, man.

Was he really?

Oh, why don't you just have sex with one of your waitresses at your club?

I think so, dude. They also said that was like a spy app. They were like using that to like see everyone's location. Because if you had millions of people playing that, you could be like, sweet, and zoom in anywhere in the country. And what do you do with that information? Be Chinese with it. I don't know, dude. Just do your shit. Just squint at a monitor?

Come on, tell me what it is. I can't. Well, it'll be a great way to end. You'll just have to. They need to look it up. I'll look at it. I'll Google it afterwards. Right now? Yeah, let me see it real quick, dude. Okay. I want to see it with a rainbow. Could you give me a rainbow, Chris? It's a new thing for the kids. Images, please. No, don't show it.

Followed by a kiss where the couple makes a semen and period blood in their mouth.

No way, dude.

That's so fucking nasty.

Is this supposed to, like, then I think after you, like, if you do a rainbow kiss, you do, I will give it to you if you want to be like, yo, I'm non-binary. I'll be like, yeah, you earned it, bro. Yes. Wow. You have transcended all of sexuality. That's way past either of the spectrums that we got. For sure. I will call them like, sir. If you do a rainbow kiss, I'll be like, yes, sir.

I fully respect you.

Well, dude, that's how whenever people like, you know, here's someone and I always just pop up the Instagram, watch the first clip and I watch yours. I'm like, damn, that's hilarious. And I was like, yeah, right away. I always do that. I'm like, hilarious.

Yeah.

I know what you're saying. Yeah. I mean, I'm so glad. They're very funny. They're very fucking funny. Thank you.

Damn.

Oh, we know where they all are right now. Everyone in the same place. Wow. He thinks he has a Charizard. Right. If we released the Charizard, we'd get them all at once. I don't know, man. What is the point? I don't know. That kind of evades me.

Hell yeah.

Let's go. Let me try my hand at crowd work. I'm terrible at crowd work.

You're saying like a show.

Let's do it, dude. I'm down, dude. I can't wait. That's a fucking deal, dude. Bro, appreciate you. Thanks for doing the do. I feel evil selling that stuff, dude.

Yeah, true. What? Yeah, they tell Xiaoping, they're like, they're doing a Soulja Boy.

The dumbest of us have them. I guess that gives them ability, because that would be almost just too much. If you have millions of people and you're trying to like, yeah, it would be just a bunch of people like, ugh. So yeah, I guess you're right. I kind of, I don't know what they'd do with that.

Yeah, or try to like just see what you're up to. But yeah, you'll just be catching Pokemon. Yeah, I don't get it. That's a good point because I hear about that all the time because they say we have more surveillance here in America with ring doorbells and all the private stuff than the whole Chinese government. Really? Yeah, they're saying, but it's all just privatized.

Through all the ring doorbells and stuff. That's interesting.

Which people could do that. And that could be like you just set it up to where it's like... Yeah, I die. Exactly. You don't watch it all at once, but if it's like, hey, I need to see right here, right now, you can be like, go through a whole bunch of metadata. I'm like, okay, we have all these phones in that area.

Oh, yeah, all the cities now, too.

And then cities have their own grid. So between the city's grid and the Ring doorbells, it's like, you're done.

So you can like just ditch your phone, ditch everything and just hide.

Oh, Jesus.

And they could just hit up all your loved ones and investigate you, basically, and be like, yo, where is this?

He's just at his aunt's house like, don't ever get me.

What the fuck? What channel is that on? It sounds awesome. I don't know. I can't even find that. I always wanted to do, because everyone does like the 5Ks and 3Ks. You mean like running? Yeah, like a running race where you could, against like the police department, where you could like stimulate like live action chases where it's like, all right.

Oh, so it got buried. It's right there. The freaky-ass little boy.

I'm going to we're both going to run out of this deli. You got to catch me and I'm going to try to evade the police.

Yeah. Well, that's like, you know, of course, I want like uniformed police officers. I want to like run out of a bank and see if they could catch me. Well, you don't got to wait to do that. I could do it.

The young and freaky, that's what it was.

As long as they don't know you got a black wife, you're good. True, yeah. Here's the plot twist. She used to be a cop. See? Exactly. I have a little thing that says officer's boyfriend because we weren't married then. Yeah, true.

But yeah, I always wanted to see if I could actually like, I mean, I ran from when I was little, like, you know, that was like, you can go to the woods and they were, they were beat, but like, okay, what if it wasn't actual cops?

That's the tag game. And that game's cool too.

Yeah, I'd want like 10 feet.

You think that's too far?

What if you had a block lead? You're already gone. Yeah, but I want like the whole city. I guess that's kind of a waste of the city's resources.

Yeah, true. Oh, yeah, they can drop a dog on you. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want that.

Hit the water. Hit the water. They're fucked.

Hit the lake. Hit the river. I just drowned myself in the river. Yeah, it's not going to work. And my family gets a million dollars. That would be cool if you were in that show and you just jumped off a cliff. And your family would never find you. What would you call the show? No, I'm saying that show you're talking about where if they don't find you, you get a million bucks. Just kill yourself.

So you just jump off of a cliff and die. But they're still going to find you. Like, this idiot killed himself. Here's his corpse. Yeah, you'd have to, like, self-immolate. You'd have to burn yourself.

You'd have to completely get rid of yourself.

And your life insurance. And they can sue the show and be like, yo, he's gone forever. He hid so goddamn good, he's gone.

Yeah, true.

How so?

What do you mean?

Yeah. I don't know what you're saying, though. So why would they be the predators? They'd be the predators. You'd be the predated.

Or if they do catch you, then they get to, you know.

Freaky-ass little boy.

Yeah, true. It'd be so funny though to have that prime time, like almost like the great American chase channel where like everyone's grandmoms watching it and being like shit. You know what I mean?

Oh, so they got the okay.

That was there for an ad. I'm pumped to drink it. That shit dilated my eyes. You're not allowed to mention extreme sports in their ads either for some reason. Why not? I'm like, what the fuck? That's like your guys' thing. Who guys is? Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. You know when you say that. Mountain Dew and ours.

Why would you say that? She was an officer, dude. She's black now.

I think they had too many people just like trying to do backflips on dirt bikes and they're like, all right, we got to drop this.

Yeah. It was fun.

Yeah, Red Bull's nothing.

Dude, a girl just died drinking Panera's caffeinated iced tea.

I was probably like, you fucking think I'm mad. He's a loud drunk. I'm like, keep doing it. He's a loud drunk.

He'd be like, yeah, fuck you.

For real.

It wasn't my idea. I didn't even want to do this.

That ain't right. No, I don't like that.

I know. My bad, my bad, my bad, my bad.

Video game lying?

Yeah.

Oh, dude, they're the best.

Never. Never. I said you would. Never. I said you would. So good, dude.

I think so.

She kept being like, did you smell it in there? I'm like, no. She goes, dude, it was the worst smell. It was the worst fart I've ever smelled.

We had the same food. I can see the other T.O. getting him all good.

It was truly... It was fucking... Yeah, what a better way to ring in your fucking birthday than fucking authentic black guys.

She's a lullabunny.

He disrespected Cheryl Hines, too.

The hell?

All right. Is that why they reap?

Sonar heal us.

Just does.

The lady who jerked off the dolphin is still alive. Works at SeaWorld? Yeah. She works at SeaWorld. No, she's like 80-something.

This Sunday, April 27th, live paintings in the mouth. Speak easy. We got a special guest. And then, yeah, paintings in the mouth. That's it. All right. Sorry, guys.

I'd love a bearded dragon. They don't shed or nothing, right?

2,000.

Black people just stopped being... This is the first Irish vampire movie. Black people just stopped being portrayed as bad guys necessarily all the time.

Kanye seems normal for a billionaire. God damn. What was that? Why is he dressing like that? You know I like the outfit. Cle white tee, gold chain. If you're a billionaire, you shouldn't be wearing a gold chain. Yeah. But it wasn't a gaudy gold chain. It was little. He used to be such a humble autist.

That's nice. Fuck it. Fuck it. Sleep.

He should let Kanye be his stylist. He should have. He should have worn the fucking black KKK uniform. That would have been awesome.

True. Yeah, you kind of do figure it out. An older brother goes, you look like a fucking idiot.

Cuban Lynx is sick.

And that was thong song. That was like right. That was, yeah. You entered the dragon. You drew a hill.

I would have cried immediately.

Did he have to do sexual favors to get out? He probably tried. You ever seen that porn? I've seen that.

I would have done anything to get out of that.

I would have cast it out.

Yeah, I would have gone on the table and just get it over with, dude. Sure, I would have.

Yeah.

Lemise, you never had a chain.

Damn, you could have.

You had an alligator tooth? Man, maybe Lamar was right. Maybe you are an outdoor white. True. You were in a tough area for white kids to act black, like North Jersey. Yeah, but I still managed to do it.

I never got the pukas. I was jealous.

I never got the pukas, but I was dark. I was purple. I was sick every night. Every night at the beach, I was so sober. I was like...

Poop dollar was diabolical.

Yeah, that's nice. My favorite memories of the beach was just once we started drinking. Yeah. Just getting some fucking bum to buy you and your boys 30Ks of fucking Natty Light. It was the best. It was the best. It was the best night of my life.

my sister did not take the fall for me and my bro one time what i tried me and my bro drank like a lot of beers yeah and then my parents were like what the fuck is this and we're like yeah sarah came down here got fucking shit faced it's like yeah sarah just sat here and drank like 25 beers my mom was like what the fuck sarah she was like it was them what you told me he's the run to the bus scream cry run away

You get me going.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? They're fucking fine. Yeah. A lot of people don't have dads.

Give them a little turbo charge.

Yeah. Yeah, that was a bad time for the bros. Yeah.

Four Loco run was crazy.

Just sleepy girlfriend going, no, we're not doing anything. All right.

It better not be.

No.

Fucking tired of it.

Yeah, I was a – I got you, bro.

Come on, Amaze. You can get in there. What happened to your leg, bud?

What was wrong with his leg? What was that? Lameez, why were you lifting your leg like that? My shoe's untied.

Yeah, of course. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. These days, you have to be smart with your money. If you're going to make a big purchase, you got to make it count. What's something you bought?

It's really nice.

It's been, you know, 30 years.

Since I've tried. It's just as hard. They escape. So, I bought a bug light. You got a bug light? I got a bug zapper out there. That's, you know, kind of the opposite of what you're doing, but just as fun. You're battling. You sit in the hot tub and all of a sudden. God damn, that guy. You get some of these big bugs out here, so big. My dad's big on bugs. When they die, they go.

You hear them hit the fucking bug light and they go, Jesus. God damn. Another great investment, taking care of yourself. You know, you're talking about these bugs. I didn't even think about that. Why don't you think about yourself? Traditional therapy can get crazy expensive, though, like between $100 to $250 a month or more or something like that. Therapy is worth it, though.

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Okay.

May 31st. Go to Des Moines, Iowa. May 31st. I'll be at Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines, Iowa. Go to that. May 31st. Iowa.

Matt, I'm excited to see your new hour on tape. Thank you.

It's a really good hour. Thank you, bro. I like it. Appreciate you, bro. Goodbye, everybody. Bye.

We're flying.

They always try to trash Post.

She's coming. They invented the cowboy hat too.

They're trying to get Harlow for that.

Harlow sang a song with an orchestra or something like that. Yeah. And he's still rapping.

He's not even changing genres. He's still rapping. He just did it at an event. Somebody filmed it and they were like, hate to see white people use our culture to advance themselves and then abandon us. It's like...

Kevin also hit me with that because I've always complained about tweets and opinions. He's like, you're on black Twitter. He also loves that I'm on black Twitter. I'm on black Twitter.

Maybe I did. But it works getting you fired up? No, it works. And then I realized, you know, it's not a unique thought we've talked about before, but everybody's algorithm... Like, if I was a black person and saw white Twitter, I'd be like, God damn, these honkies are fucking racist, bro.

Fine, I'll say it. They do it. It's all those guys like, I'm just going to say this. Nobody said it in the last five seconds. I'll say it.

It's designed to make you angry. It's fucking wild, man. Adam Curtis hit that. Fucked me up. Yeah. We got to get a new Adam Curtis, Doc. We do, man. It's been a while. I keep looking for him.

Every time I see the hot ladies, I go, get the fuck off my page.

Thick talk.

I wonder if I could have gotten easy.

yeah Meezy's is just like a lady going yeah hot Asian yeah oh wait like for babe of the week or your album no I mean just guessing guys what his yeah lady his lady's hot algorithm is yours is cosplay yeah his white lady's pretending to be Japanese so yeah so a black lady dressed as a anime character kind of did it for you I wouldn't have guessed yours just so you know I'd never I would have not got yours

Whatever you get. There were some pig moms that you would see growing up. You'd go, God damn, that guy's got a pig mom.

You better get to the gym. Otherwise, something real bad happens. Something I don't even want to do happens.

I never really thought if you were dumb or not. You don't seem very dumb. I'm not completely dumb, but I'm not.

I got to get to the gym right now.

As far as the size of the pig wife?

I mean, you might get to the point where you get like a lady, you got to, you know, put in a flatbread. I mean, it might get to the point where you got to take out a wall to get her out of the house. If you have a giant blob pig wife. Yeah. And you can just, anything you want, go in there.

Pure blob.

You'd be in a metal bikini standing next to her going, she just kept eating. Now I'm a fucking freak.

You'd get sucked into the ring like, no. You'd get a blob wife. There are dudes, obviously, with blob wives. Oh, for sure. I love the thousand pound scissors or whatever that shit is. So TLC keeps trotting out blobs. So sick.

You can fuck every part of her. Yeah. And then your arm.

Lamaze, are you sleepy?

Why are you so groggy?

But you got a blob. Is she willing to gain for you guys? For the right price, I bet she would gain. Farrah said the funniest thing on the pod, but not actually.

I think the joke is that she has such a lack of understanding of what Bitcoin is that she thinks it's an online game.

You came back for prom after?

It's made me laugh every day since. Did you guys confront her on the poop video? No, people are pretty upset about it. Yeah, I didn't get to that part.

I heard you beating around the bush a little.

I heard cake farts get brought up.

They were bringing up, like, have you ever done cake farts?

That's swag. Damn. That is nice. Yeah, they all. The whole squad got held back, huh? Whole squad. Is this Redding Central Catholic? Where'd you go?

It was pretty tough of you for three men in a room to confront a woman. That's pretty awesome you guys did that.

I think I'd be very happy if my lady was just like... Now, if my blob were to approach you like that... Yeah, how much does my wife weigh at this point? If she's a blob, then by all means, yes.

Like, I would need to charge people to come in.