Neil Rubenstein

Everyone's good? We're good? All right. Yeah. No, it's, yeah. No, I get it. Because you guys saw me, you're like, this guy ain't afraid of nothing, you know? And then you heard me. And you're like, oh, he's afraid of the dark. That's what that is. I was told I sound like the person, I look like I kidnapped. All right. That's okay. All right. I'm doing all right? Okay.

I don't mind being a big guy, you know, usually pretty safe, right? Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and this was before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, you know, so. Streets are so riddled with crime and gluten. And this dude popped out to mug me, and I was like, nah, man, get the next guy. And he was like, okay, thank you. I just scared him out.

I was like, this is mint, everyone should give this a shot. Oh, all right, cool.

That's a good answer. Just spell it right, you know?

I don't get that, but all right.

Oh, yes.

What the fuck was that? I started in New York, and I live here now. Well, I'm staying here now. I don't know if I live here, but we'll see.

Since January. Okay. Do you like it? I like the city very much. I liked it when I would visit the scene, I liked the scene. But now that I'm like... Because when you're visiting, they're like, oh, come do my show, come do my show. And now that I'm here, they're like, oh, fuck you, dude. So, but it's all right. I like it.

Yeah, cool, man.

Well, yeah, I like to think that, but who knows, you know?

All right, all right, no, that's good. Yeah, that's good. All right, cool, cool, cool.

Snuggle, snuggle.

Do you have any dark secrets? I have so many dark secrets.

What's the darkest thing about you? I don't know, man. There's so much, I try to leave that behind, you know? Just trying to fix the things I broke, you know? Like the floor?

Yeah. Mostly patio furniture. Yeah. Yeah. That's my dating profile says I'll break your lawn furniture.

Both.

I had been a full-time comedian.

but sort of still doing that, but you gotta side hustles now.

Just personal assistant stuff. I used to tour manage bands, so I have that skill set. So I help out a bigger comic on some of their scheduling and itineraries and stuff.

Keep it around, you know?

Yeah, I like baseball. What do you like about baseball? I think it's a wonderful sport. I think it involves athleticism and strategy.

Yeah. I like going to baseball games because I can have someone rub sunblock on me.

Bigger in size or in... That's all I know. I'm not that big.

Yeah, that's what we're talking about. I'm not, like, using a rascal fat. I still fit in the booth at Applebee's. Like, I'm just a... That's a great... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah, airplane bathrooms are difficult, but fucking who?

You have trouble?

I like them so much, though.

I kind of look like I'm Redman back from the future to tell them. Don't do it. There's still time. Don't do it. Don't do it.

I couldn't fill those shoes, I'm sorry.

Oh, man. I don't know what to... I don't know where to start. You've been married? You have kids? Yeah, married, no kids, raised by wolves.

My parents, you know. Everyone's got a thing. Um... I played and toured with some rock bands.

I was just in a hardcore band a long time ago.

I have a tiny little voice now.

Ooh!

Can I get one of those little placards for my car?

The guy's just saying, sing.

Did you miss the whole thing? We just did a thing about not doing that.

So what happened to your voice exactly? Just screaming a lot, you know, growing up. So you can't sing anything anymore? I can't really get louder. Like, I can do a little bit of projecting, but I can't, like, sound cool.

Maybe. It depends on your... Were you just screaming kind of, like... Screaming and shouty, a lot of shouty.

No, no. Hey, guys, I don't know if I can sing about fucking hip-hop anymore. It's been real, guys. Peace out, everybody. I got to hit the bricks.

After.

I think, like, I started them... And then, I started late though, I didn't start getting tattooed till like early 20s.

I wasn't in a big, I am on a Taking Back Sunday record, two Taking Back Sunday records. Whoa. But just like background screaming, not like, I'm not a member, but I have a platinum record, which is nice.

A platinum record?

Back before, where you want to be and tell all your friends.

I'm on, I mean, I'm not a member of the band, but I'm on the record. And like, yeah, I mean, if you Google me, yeah, they're up there.

It's the brand new lyrics. Oh, no. I did that. What do you mean? They were like, this song is about... Who the fuck is that?

What is the lyrics? It's have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there's ice on all the roads. And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield. Let's go. Hell yeah.

I was a bad guy.

Go back to sleep.

I am flying to Milwaukee for shows.