Nick Cannon

Now I do the super dad content with my kids. And everything that people go viral for and making millions of dollars on YouTube, I was doing it in the 90s.

Now I do the super dad content with my kids. And everything that people go viral for and making millions of dollars on YouTube, I was doing it in the 90s.

Now I do the super dad content with my kids. And everything that people go viral for and making millions of dollars on YouTube, I was doing it in the 90s.

Now I do the super dad content with my kids. And everything that people go viral for and making millions of dollars on YouTube, I was doing it in the 90s.

Now I do the super dad content with my kids. And everything that people go viral for and making millions of dollars on YouTube, I was doing it in the 90s.

Now I do the super dad content with my kids. And everything that people go viral for and making millions of dollars on YouTube, I was doing it in the 90s.

Oh, yeah. That's why we did this. I have completely forgotten about Keith and Jean, by the way.

Oh, yeah. That's why we did this. I have completely forgotten about Keith and Jean, by the way.

It's your man, Nick Cannon, and I'm here to bring you my new podcast, Nick Cannon at Night.

I've heard y'all been needing some advice in the love department.

So who better to help than yours truly?

Nah, I'm serious.

Every week I'm bringing out some of my celebrity friends and the best experts in the business to answer your most intimate relationship questions.

Having problems with your man?

We got you.

Catching feelings for your sneaky link?

Let's make sure it's the real deal first.

Ready to bring toys into the bedroom?

Let's talk about it.

Consider this a non-judgment zone to ask your questions when it comes to sex and modern dating in relationships, friendships, situationships, and everything in between.

It's going to be sexy, freaky, messy, and you know what?

You'll just have to watch this show.

So don't be shy.

Join the conversation and head over to YouTube to watch Nick Cannon at night or subscribe on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Know Your Worth with Jason Kurz!

Ain't no thing like Alison King!

She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela!

Itchels!

Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no tricolors!

She's never scary, it's the Green Fairy!

Jamie, she has no last name-y!

The Bay Area Betches, Betches.

Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD.

She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch.

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall.

Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neil.

I don't think it works that way on any moving thing.

Because we literally saw him walk to the, I think he's like stoned or something, because we saw him walk right to the anchor thing and just go, bloop, and just watch it start dropping.

He didn't even move until people were like, oh.

He's like, I brought down the warning signals, but the bus didn't move off the tracks.

Now everybody's dead.

Takes a village to crash a bus.

Wait a minute.

You're crisscrossing your villages.

Yeah.

Okay, Aisha checks on the guests now, and she's asking them how they know each other, and one of them's like, well, Polly's my housemate.

And Polly said, yeah, I told her, if you come to Australia, I'll look after you.

So then there's silence.

So we know that there's more trouble coming.

And so the captain's like, all right, we're going to start needing to put two into the water.

And Joao's like, you've got this right, Adam.

And he's like, yeah, just tell me when to light the bomb.

All right, I got the match.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't light a bomb me.

That's not what he said.

That's what we do on commercial, though.

He's like, they're going to cut my head off, bro.

So then the captain is telling the engineers, so, wow, this guy's an idiot.

And Harry just comes up to Adam and goes, free for life.

If you ever get it.

He finally finds a house and the mom's like, it was a nice house until there were no doors.

You know, Adam got a couple numbers wrong on the lottery and boom, all the doors were gone.

Thank God he's not ever been disrespectful to this thing.

Hey, so this house is all made out of very hard surfaces.

When I move my mouth away to scream, can you still hear it really loud in the microphone?

Okay, so goddamn stupid-ass fucking door.

So Captain calls you out of the bridge.

And meanwhile, Aisha is with Serena and...

So Serena offers her a basket and she's like, well, yeah, thank you.

So... The heat is on in Saigon.

The chicks are hotter in hell.

Just, like, he's relaying them.

So, Joao comes up.

I'm sorry I interrupted you, because that was funny what you said there.

She said the mistake, the human mistake that is Joao.

Do you know how many beheaded people there have been?

And the other day, the same deckhand messed up.

At what point do we say, time for more experience on here?

And I was like, well, he did mess up, but I'll speak for him and say that he's on the right page as far as being a deckhand.

He's also been through trauma that's similar.

I'm in a place less scary than Zimbabwe.

I just need him to realise how lucky he is to not be from Zim.

We're both tiny house families.

We were both tiny home families before tiny homes became popular.

Well, something's got to happen.

Get them on the island ASAP.

Do not repeat.

I repeat.

Do not repeat.

One prop.

sure was you know and there's some hot new uh action in there hot new guy in there i just wanted to show you so i've stolen this place in palm springs can you see this let me turn it a lot a lot of lime is that lime or chartreuse it's lime you know uh my friend jessica said chartreuse as well i say lime but whatever i guess i'm not as gay as you two do you see this painting

Yeah, at least he does more than Culver.

Yeah, but...

He's almost like ruined the boat three times, okay?

Railing, tender tying, this thing that just happened.

This was a really bad one, okay?

I mean, you know, Culver can't destroy things if he's not touching them.

So Culver wins.

So they start, they're all running to help the guests and stuff, get on the tender and go with Harry and Joao.

And Harry is ignoring Margot today because, you know, he's 12.

And she's like, hi, Kira Bear.

And he's like, hello.

And it's really awkward.

And he's like, since Margot put me in the friend zone, I'm going to put distance because I've got to sit, I've got to sit down on my feet.

So I need time.

Oh.

Well, I'm not saying like, oh, God, I really... If this is below deck, could you please get aggressive and insist that somebody like you?

I don't mean that.

I just mean he's suddenly like, hey, you know, like, look, we're friends to being like, hello.

I'm just standing and driving and staring straight ahead and not have a smiling.

Like, has he ever done that to anybody ever?

I mean, I feel like he could be, you know, talking to like despicable me and he'd still be like...

God, I love to talk.

You know, he'd still be like guffawing.

You know, I dated someone who told me that once.

It was the rudest thing.

They said I was way cuter when I didn't move.

When I talked, my face looked very unattractive.

How rude.

I mean, I get it.

I get it.

Because, like, you know, you can make, like, I mean, it was rude.

I'm not, like, forgiving them or anything.

I'm still traumatized.

But I'm just saying, like, I've heard that criticism before.

And I'm going to a dark place.

No.

But look, look.

Okay, so everybody is unloading stuff and doing this excursion.

And Culver is eating, of course.

They cut to Culver.

The next two episodes, all they do is cut to Culver eating.

That's literally all he does.

How is he able... I get that he works out and stuff.

But do people who work out that much really get to eat that much?

Because it makes me... Like, I literally almost got on the floor and did push-ups.

And then I remembered who I was.

And it stopped immediately.

I was like, your name is Rondal.

You live on the second floor.

You live upstairs from you.

Yes, I think I've seen you before.

I was like, I don't do pushups.

I sing that song, I think like three times a week still.

I live upstairs from John Stamos and I stole his face from the floor.

I don't know if it's just my gayness or if it's Palm Springs' gayness.

It's like everything is just very stream of conscious, like being in the present.

You know, it's very power of now.

Uh-huh.

It is.

she's really what an icon I can't wait for her to join the Bravo show whatever is happening Culver's eating okay and I'm jealous like at this point I'm just like fuck Culver that's not even fair you know I wish that Culver was gay just so I could like charm him somehow and then be his feeder cause I'm like into that you know I've heard of that I've heard of that kink before and it sounds hot just like finding someone to just like feed me stuff and then they're like yeah you're getting fatter oh yeah I'm into it

I just see penises like playing penis swords.

Or if it was written by Suzanne Vega, it'd be like...

Isn't that just what that is?

Aren't those just penises coming at each other?

And the flailing.

But I think it's a cute, sweet guy.

He'll find the right person.

Oh, he definitely will.

He will definitely come out of this with the right person.

It's just not hot dish up here.

So there's a really awkward silence as they tender over to the snorkel place.

And at the end, Margo goes, good job, Harry.

And he just...

keeps his jaw shut and doesn't guffaw at all.

And I was like, uh-oh, he's making a stand.

Dirty Harry making a stand.

They could be.

Just horizontal penises.

It probably is.

because they're not just horizontal it's not like they're just lines and i'm saying wow they're straight lines they must be penises they're lines with like a head at the end oh and then they're just like coming to like uh i don't know like what do you call that sword fighting when you're like penis sword fighting and then look at this pillow at first it looks like a flower but isn't it a bunch of penises going in on one thing yeah yeah that's like uh bukkake

I'm just like, no, I feel like that turtle is so needy and just wants friends.

And it's like.

I think turtles have movies where humans can talk to them.

You know how humans have movies that turtles can talk, and kids believe in them?

And some of us adults.

I think turtles have those movies too, and they're just like, I'm going to just keep hanging out with all these humans, and one day one of them is going to talk to me.

Because it seems like the same turtle, and it follows them everywhere.

And it's not the same shot.

It'll be like nighttime, and the turtle's still like, hey guys!

You know, like lifting that one fan like...

And the humans are like... And the turtle's like... It's singing like the Cezanne Vega of Little Mermaid.

Like it's...

So Margo and Joao are talking on this excursion, and she's small-talking him.

She's like, what's your favorite place to travel?

And he's like, Zim.

No, but like when you're not in Zim.

So she's like, oh, my God, I want to go to Pyramus so bad.

I want to go visit Chef since she's saving you one next time.

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah, what's going on with you anyway?

Because she said one time that next time she sees you, she's going to punch you in the face or something.

And she's like, oh, did you say that?

Well, I was with Serena's friend, but it was just a hookup and she wanted more.

Yeah, right.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, right.

I'm sure you were very up front with her, Joao.

Listen, I'm buying this whole Joao edit.

And I remember hanging out with people from Below Deck one time.

Below Deck Med, when he was on that.

Remember, they all came into town and we went out with them one night.

And they were so nice, by the way.

Joao was not with them.

But I was like, what a piece of shit this guy is.

And why is he going to be on another season?

And they're like, you know what?

He's so nice in real life.

They loved him.

They loved him.

Listen, he's like a Ronnie Fupa.

It may not look like it, but there's a dick under there.

We all know it.

It'll eventually come out.

Not anymore, Ronnie.

Yeah, so he's like, I've already combed my hair like a second grade class picture.

I think that's the only kind of art you can get in Palm Springs.

I don't think I can ever live in Palm Springs until Watch What Crappens is over, because everything is made out of a hard surface, because it's so hot here.

It has to either be Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, or some kind of penis representation.

You saw me in my caftan, right?

Did you see my picture of me in my caftan?

Amazing.

Like it changed my life.

I'm a caftan person now.

So Margo's like, oh, okay, so I guess you and the chef are fine, huh?

He's like, yes, we are fine together.

So then the guests finish snorkeling and get back on the boat, and they're all taking shots out of their snorkels, and then they're drinking porn star martinis, which...

feel like it's dangerous porn star martin that's a lot of fucking like i like porn stars because i feel like it's the safest sex you can have because they're just on a computer screen you know what i mean i don't want to like drink them no no well the truth is that those porn stars were all over this boat a few charters ago so they're gonna be drinking a lot of porn star stuff whether and did you want to drink them i did not want to drink those people they seemed very nice i wanted to party with them like drink with them but i didn't want to drink them you know

So then Asha is getting ready for the Slim Aaron's party, which is so funny because that's 70s Palm Springs pictures.

So they're going to do surf and turf and charcuterie for dinner.

And then Captain Drow, Drow, Drow, Captain, Captain, Drow, Drow.

So meeting in the bridge.

Right.

I want to talk about the anchoring.

I'm concerned we're going through the next two charters with inexperienced dickheads.

Bring Adam up here.

So Adam comes and he's like, hey.

Is there a mystery?

Is there a mystery you need Kangaroo Jack to solve?

My lesbian aunt Josie loves her velvet painting of native American women in like with jugs.

Did Kangaroo Jack solve mysteries?

And Adam really just looks like, ah, ah.

But nothing takes away from your personality and your drive.

Your personality is great.

Your drive is great.

Don't know who Kangaroo Jack is, but I love when you hop around the boat and say his name over and over while you cry, promising to buy him his own house one day.

Very sweet.

Unfortunately, probably going to have to fire you.

So, Joelle's like, well, you know, the attitude is definitely there as far as positivity.

Well, guess what?

Positivity doesn't save lives.

You know who is positive?

The orchestra on the Titanic.

And they kept playing as that shit went down.

They drowned playing the violin, sir.

Okay?

Did that save the Titanic?

No.

Money did.

That's what saved the...

The only people who got saved on Titanic were swept away on piles of money.

So Jason's positivity doesn't work.

Okay.

As I've told you many times on this show, positivity is a lie.

So why bother?

So everyone gets seated for this Slim Aaron's party.

And Serena's like, my theme is vintage.

Let's think back to the 70s.

That's when surf and turf started.

Haven't you done surf and turf on every meal?

There's going to be a tomahawk, but I'm going to put them on little surf balls.

But I do sometimes think with my feet, which is weird, you know?

And Adam's like, it's an incredible mistake.

And I can't believe I did that.

I worked so hard for my family to put them in a house.

I've been thinking about my mom all day because I understand the gravity of the situation.

And you know what gravity does?

It holds down houses.

So guests want to play tooth or dare with the crew because this is one of those group of guests who's just going to like sexually harass the crew as much as possible.

And, you know, I guess we all should wonder about double standards, et cetera, et cetera.

But frankly, I'm just not in the mood today.

They're just boring people.

I think so too.

So this group is like, you know, pre-mixed egg whites that you buy in a carton at the store.

Wow.

That's sad.

It's just...

It's a lot of, and you're like, why isn't this coming up into meringue?

And you're like, they do something to it.

They do something in the carpet to homogenize it even more.

Yeah, I think the pasteurization does something.

And then they cut to Harry flailing all over the place.

And she's like, he would not know what to do.

You know, Harry's movements remind me of that chick who was in Showgirls from Saved by the Bell.

Yeah, it's like her dancing.

That's like his mannerisms are like Elizabeth Berkley's dancing in Showgirls.

Just very like...

I'm not brave enough to disagree with Gina Gershon.

I feel like Gina Gershon would show up at your house, no matter where you are, and just kick the shit out of you if you ever said something bad about her.

Okay, so then Margot hears the threesome comment on the radio, and she's like, must be nice.

Hope you guys have fun without me.

And she's doing laundry.

So they're making jokes about the threesome with the guests, and the guy's like, Stuck before mistakes.

And Jack's like, you know how back in the day all the kings had gat?

It was because they were eating like this.

That was very hilarious.

And then they have salted caramel panna cotta, panna cotta, panna cotta, salted caramel panna cotta and mini cheesecakes and fondue.

He's like, you're full of shit.

You make out like you couldn't be with anyone, but you don't actually want to be with someone.

I mean, even someone standing right in front of you making a toe splint who's called you mediocre to your face.

Just a Zim.

A Zim with a splint.

standing in front of a toe saying, why can't you be straighter, you mediocre looking toe?

Some people are happy being with mediocre toes.

If someone sees a broken toe in Zim, they take it off your foot and put it in a bag and steal it and try to sell it downtown.

Does it?

I don't know.

It literally just takes one.

It's a dictator.

Until it breaks down.

Okay, so morning.

This is what happens when you give us two below deck Downlanders a week.

And then it takes a person to fix the tire.

I know.

Okay, we're starting to crack.

And how are we only on episode 12?

When they keep saying, they're like, all right, everybody, we've only got 11 charters left.

I'm like, what?

Oh, thank Jehoshaphat.

I mean, I'm enjoying it.

I love this season.

And then it takes a person working at the insurance company.

Okay, so now it's morning.

And Culver is having a breakfast shake instead of working.

Because it's Culver.

And I don't even know at this point if Culver is eating more than everybody else.

Or if they're doing the...

And then it takes a person to do the paint job or the bus hit the curb.

She hugs everybody at all time.

So she's showing Margo how to practice for margaritas, how to make margaritas.

And Margo's like, you know, I feel pretty good in laundry and cabins, but I learn the most when I'm helping Isha.

So it does.

It takes a village.

And I did kind of float the idea of being second stool for a charter.

And she didn't say yes or no, but I feel like she was thinking about it.

So hopefully she gives me that chance.

I just want a vacuum.

is he a saint that is like started a town that um the golden girls old lady sophia no that was from where betty white was from right yeah rose that's where rose was from it's just the saint that uh rose's town was based on um yeah olaf it's weird because they name captain olaf it's

It's also weird that it's in the med.

Yeah.

And I'm like, so is Culver going to get fired and then get to go on med?

It's like their spinoff character?

What's happening here?

So he gets a text from Captain Olaf, who's like, hey, teeth, crewing up in Barcelona need duck hands and a stew.

Are you available this summer?

Bring your bleaching kit.

And Culver's like, a captain I previously worked for reached out and said he needs crew in the med.

Now, listen.

Jamie lives on one side of the world and Kim lives on the other side of the world.

So I need to figure out how to get in an adventure with her.

And I think I might have something for us.

She's like, he's being so cool to me.

And that's why I didn't want to have that conversation with him.

I just wish I never talked to him about it.

And then we get a shot of this ground shark.

I don't know what you call them.

The sharks here, they're always on the ground.

I don't know why.

But this one's on the ground, and it's just like...

The way it's just swinging its hips back and forth.

I was like, that is the sexiest fucking freckled face shark I've ever seen in my life.

Not me.

I grew up in El Paso.

And meanwhile, Jason, while he's up there, Culver goes, should we have some food and hang before service?

I grew up on poor bus.

So the guests are getting ready for their white party, and Culver says he turned the batteries off, and this is all very important for later, those of you.

There were no Jolly Ranchers.

So then Serena's like, for tonight's party, they wanted, you know, glamour, so we're doing mushroom ravioli.

They were like, here's a piece of gravel from the outside.

You can't get subtly more fancy than that, can you?

Right.

She's like a mushroom.

So then Asha hugs Jamie for setting the table.

She's like, did you set the table, Jamie?

Stupid.

Let's all suck on it and talk about what flavors we like.

So Joao's like, oh, Culver, you've gotten the tender, have you?

But you've left shit on it.

Clean it up.

That's what I was saying about initiative.

If you see something that needs to be done, do it.

He's like, but I did see something that needed to be done.

I saw halloumi cheese and it needed to be swallowed.

So I was doing that protein, bro.

He gives us like a nice random evil person laugh.

And then Culver's like, well, I consider that a not job.

It does.

You know, I've had those recently.

Like I was going to do the 3.30 a.m.

shift.

He goes, but free now.

Are we free now?

Why wait until 3.30 to do what we could do in Zim right now?

And Culver's like, no, but like, okay, I'll get it.

I understand.

I'll get it.

Wow.

It's always 3.30 a.m.

somewhere.

That Matchbox 20 song was dedicated to Zim.

Have those fallen or they always been shit?

Your boss's job is not to inspire you.

It's Jesus you're boasting, okay?

Fuck off, bro.

Find your inspiration at the bottom of a glass like the rest of us.

I called them alien vagina fish.

Um, so Culver is talking to Joao and Culver is really bothered that he got a note, you know?

Yeah.

And so he's like, dude, I just don't want you to think I was just blowing that off.

You know what I mean, bro?

And he's like, no, no, no.

I don't think you blew it off.

I just want you to think ahead.

He's like, all right, well, I'm going to pop down now.

And then he walks off and goes, that fucking bitch.

Yeah.

Then we cut to Margo and she's reading the back of a toothpaste tube.

She's like, whoa, that's in there?

God, there's a lot of stuff in there.

You'll be in enough pain when you come back to the studio apartment with me and the 30 siblings who you're going to live with for the rest of our goddamn lives because not one of you can hold down a job.

Well, if that ain't a life lesson.

Hold on, man.

Hold on, man.

Train's passing through.

All right.

That just woke up your brother's baby.

This kills the protein.

Microwave kills the nutrients in my food.

How will I ever stay big?

Yeah.

So, Joao's like, I'm just, it just shows Joao, because Joao's watching this whole thing.

And Culver's like, I hope he can see what he's done to me by forcing me to microwave.

And Joao doesn't care.

He's just like writing something down.

And he goes, I am writing a list so we can all be on the same page together.

And Culver's just like...

He sits down just so angry.

Let's put the weeds in pop way.

Celebrate tomorrow.

So Serena talks to the guests and they're like, they want to do a budgie smuggler breakfast.

Okay.

Which means all the crew has to come out here in speedos.

And then I thought, you know what?

Fuck these people and their body privilege.

Because I am a waiter.

I was a waiter forever.

And I would have literally started sobbing immediately.

first of all i'm sure they wouldn't make me do it you know but then i thought what about people like you don't have perfect bodies you also want to make living in service and this show you know this show holding everybody back i'm sick of this show i would have been mortified if i had to go out just because you know like no one needs to see what's going on under this shirt right now it's a little me too where's caftan brunch

I agree with you.

So let's see.

So now Jamie is flirting with Culver, and he's like, a to-do list.

And she's like, I haven't seen you today.

And he's like, well, I have to talk to you about this sweet gig.

So this captain reached out to me about a deck crew and a stew in the van.

It was exceptional.

It's going to be a sweet, what are you looking over there for?

I could swear that I hear your voice coming from behind the refrigerator over there.

No, no, it's not.

I think my editor was off today.

Can't you see me talking?

He looks not moving, though.

They are.

Yeah, they are.

Moving right now.

The one who's been like, I'm going to show a fabulous fish at the beginning of every episode now.

He's like, well, we could do what they need to steal Anadeku.

We could have a sweet time together.

And she's like, oh, well, my good, well, oh, wow, well.

And she tells us, I'm speechless.

I've known Koval for less than a week.

And now we get a kangaroo?

I think you're just literally not spoken at all.

I don't think, I don't think I can remember one conversation you've actually had, except I want to make out with you.

And Serena's mean like, that's it.

Yeah.

So, um, then of course a producer cuts to Jamie and he's like, what label would you put on it?

And she's like, boat mints.

No.

A little off-brand.

What else?

We'll lose up.

So, um, she's kind of,

You can't change it up.

Like now there's like a land crawler.

Disgusting.

Over in the Mediterranean, echoing through my head.

I know we're at the Malia and Tom one, where she's like, oh my God, it's so amazing to have my boyfriend chef on board.

Both terrible.

But Margo's like, oh, my God, this is huge, right?

And Jamie's like, it is huge.

It's so big.

Tell me more.

Tell me more.

Like, does he drive a car?

So then Joao and Serena, we're just going to do like every old musical today.

I don't know why.

I was like, wow, we're really racking up the show tunes today.

We are.

It's the Palm Springs of it all.

So Joao and Serena are talking and he's shucking oysters for her.

And she's like, I can't believe how much we're bonding.

And he's like, does it come as a surprise to you?

And she's like, I guess you're just really lucky to have me in your life, aren't you?

And then she's like,

Okay, so then we go to Harry and Jason, and Harry brings the captain, the budgie smugglers.

And the captain's like, I don't want those if you've worn them.

And he's like, then no.

Come on.

And he's like, I'm not convinced I'm going to do this.

Which, of course, you're going to do this.

They didn't hire a captain who works out as much.

They didn't hire you for your record of not crashing into restaurants on docks.

You know what I mean?

Get your ass in the budgie smuggler, sir.

So he comes out.

He's really hot and everything.

And then he gets a text.

And Captain Olaf is like, I found a lead deckhand in New Zealand two hours away.

And then it cuts to Adam.

He's like, oh, my God.

I really don't want to get fired today, bro.

Mama.

Mama, can you hear me?

So now anchor up, guests check out the bridge.

Culver is talking to Serena, looking for a blender.

He cannot find a blender anywhere.

And he's like, I need my shake.

Fuck.

And he's looking everywhere, having a fit.

Everybody else is working except for him.

So then he moves on to Jamie.

He's like, have you seen the little blender?

It's right in front of the blender.

There's a regular blender.

They sell it.

Well, they show a blender, but they also show the shake attachment sitting right in front of the blender.

Oh, I didn't notice that.

And I don't know if this was tricky editing or what it was because I do this shit all the time where I'm like, oh my God, guys, I'm so sorry.

and then you find him sitting right in front of you on the kitchen counter.

I do this shit all the time.

So I'm guessing that's what it was.

But the point is he is just throwing a fucking fit.

the fuck what the fuck are people doing he's like has like a sandoval petulant it's like we're fucking on it bro and so joel hears him because he says that as he's passing by joel because you know he didn't have a shake so joel's like oh i see this little boy having a tantrum about a direct order from the captain and it is infuriates me i am furious

And so Asha's making drinks for guests and sends them over there.

And now it's time to do the ropes since Culver's still not there.

And Drow's like, Culver, Culver, Drow, please meet us on the stone so we can get to this.

So then the captain is getting tattletaled.

So Joao is tattletaling basically already on Culver.

Yeah, it's like, I don't think so.

And I haven't had a problem except for the safety thing that came up with Adam.

Oh, yeah, and that's no big deal on a boat, Joao.

Like, I get that you guys bond, that you come from, like, you know,

rough and tumble childhoods or whatever where kids like you had to save your brothers from getting beat up like i get it but he's hurt the boat three times dude okay yeah can we just fire everybody i mean if you're gonna have this many episodes you might as well just bring in a new cast why not let's pull our deck he's like well i know if you mess up especially when it comes to anchors and safety are you going to make it 90 of the time no are you going to make it in zimbabwe a hundred percent no but your job is at stake however

But the one thing he's really good at is swimming.

Wait a minute.

Never mind.

He can't swim either.

Like, how are you standing up for this guy when he doesn't even know how to swim and he gets seasick?

Come on, Joao.

So the captain's like, well, my mind is bringing on a lead deckhand with experience and a nice big package in case we're forced to get back in budgies.

God forbid we get a chubby person on here.

And I think I've got one.

We saw the little orphan Annie shark with all the freckles.

Well, in terms of safety, Curve is not called out on safety because he's not doing anything.

He's like, all right, I'm over this.

This topic needs to be put to bed with semen.

That was really cute.

Spoiler alert.

We watched it.

Yeah.

We saw, you know, I sometimes wonder if fish in this ocean are disgusted by all the other oceans.

because I feel like other oceans are disgusting.

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Like these fish are literally fabulous.

Like the couple, the neon couple.

They're not only neon, they're like...

You know the movie Alien where they have like, I don't know, not the movie where the face comes out of the face, but there's something where there's like three elephant trunks that make a face.

Do you know what I mean?

But they're like neon and fabulous, and there's two of those hanging out.

Those neon couple, they are a power couple.

And I feel like people are like, oh my God, you're a power couple.

You're so rich because you're so neon and everybody gives you so much shells, you know, so many shells.

You could do whatever you want.

You could travel anywhere and they'd be like, everywhere else is disgusting.

Like, have you seen our neighborhood?

Yeah.

Like literally everywhere you go, people are just staring at you like, is that hideous or is it gorgeous?

They get free meals today.

Yeah.

Five Head was banned from these two episodes, by the way.

I think the editor, the camera crew, finally found the hot neighborhood.

And they're like, whoa, we've really been hanging out too close to the Walmart.

We're branching out a little bit, and we're getting the neon alien face fish.

Actually, you're right.

Yeah, we did see it.

We did get like an ash shot of Fivehead, which we'll get to, because it's in my notes here somewhere.

And the boat's going full speed ahead.

Full speed.

So that's very dangerous, apparently, as Joao tells us.

That chain can whip up and take your head off.

And the chain's dropping rapidly.

And then Adam finally stops it.

And Joao's like, what happened, mate?

And Adam's like, I had to take off to break the engager, and it just started to run, you know?

It was like when I tried to get Kangaroo Jack's autograph.

It was gone.

Never saw it again.

I don't know if I'll be able to.

I'm sick of hearing it.

It's like too much, Adam.

We get it.

When you have to tell us how charitable you are, I don't believe you.

At this point, I feel like he pushes his mom down the stairs and takes his brother's lunch money.

Because I don't...

He's trying too hard to make me think he's charitable.

Also, you know what?

Buy a man a fish versus teach a man to fish.

How about instead of trying to buy your mom and your brothers a job, you send them to community college?

You know what I mean?

I'm starting to get resentful.

I'm getting resentful of Adam's family now.

I'm like, what are you going to do?

What do they do?

Just sit around all fucking day and do nothing?

Thank you.

Are they completely incapable?

She does.

She's like, I hope you're enjoying the ocean while I'm sitting here in my living room kitchen bathroom combo.

Just waiting for a life jacket, honey.

Just waiting for a life jacket.

So, also, Joao just is, this show is the king of over-promising us, Steph.

You know, because every week they're like, oh my God, we're going to crash.

And then we don't crash.

But this week, Joao actually says that Jane can whip off and behead people.

And I was like, well, where's that?

I mean, if you're going to give me two episodes of this show a week, I need some beheadings.

Knock some fucking heads off.

It's okay.

It turned out to be okay.

And then Captain Jason's like, a crew member dropping an anchor while you're on the way?

The damage to the boat.

The damage to himself.

He could have ruined our whole season.

I'm furious.

It's like, I'm going to need a little more from you.

So, Anchor's home now.

They work it out.