Ocean Vuong

It's a fraught thing and it's hard to choose how you respond to your trauma.

Yes, yes. I think I was in a world where anger, rage, and violence was a way to control the environment. And it was a way to control an environment for people who had no control of their lives. A lot of them were hurt and wounded. Another memory I had was, I think about this often, it's just seeing a kid get jumped for the first time. I was maybe 12, 13. And it was a kid called D-Nice.

Yes, yes. I think I was in a world where anger, rage, and violence was a way to control the environment. And it was a way to control an environment for people who had no control of their lives. A lot of them were hurt and wounded. Another memory I had was, I think about this often, it's just seeing a kid get jumped for the first time. I was maybe 12, 13. And it was a kid called D-Nice.

And I remember a group of 15, 20 kids. It was just so many of all ages. And they went up behind him. pulled his shirt over his head, and then they just went in. Just a flurry of fists. But I think because so much of that was close to me, I always had to look at it. And it behooved me to understand it in order to survive. So when I see cruelty, I look closer and I say, where is this coming from?

And I remember a group of 15, 20 kids. It was just so many of all ages. And they went up behind him. pulled his shirt over his head, and then they just went in. Just a flurry of fists. But I think because so much of that was close to me, I always had to look at it. And it behooved me to understand it in order to survive. So when I see cruelty, I look closer and I say, where is this coming from?

And a lot of times it comes from fear and vulnerability. You know, you're too scared and you have to strike first.

And a lot of times it comes from fear and vulnerability. You know, you're too scared and you have to strike first.

Yeah, and so in a way, I have great compassion for that because the doorway through violence has always been suffering. I've never seen anyone commit violence and feel joy after. And it's interesting, you see the doorway in front of you and it feels so immense. It feels like the only path.

Yeah, and so in a way, I have great compassion for that because the doorway through violence has always been suffering. I've never seen anyone commit violence and feel joy after. And it's interesting, you see the doorway in front of you and it feels so immense. It feels like the only path.

But when you step back, if I can borrow a metaphor here, it's almost like the doorway is in the middle of a field. And you're like, oh my goodness, I can step back and I can just take one step to the side and go around and the whole world is before me. And there was a threshold in front of me that I could always pass through after that day with Big Joe.

But when you step back, if I can borrow a metaphor here, it's almost like the doorway is in the middle of a field. And you're like, oh my goodness, I can step back and I can just take one step to the side and go around and the whole world is before me. And there was a threshold in front of me that I could always pass through after that day with Big Joe.

And in a way, my career so far has been a slow attempt at stepping back and stepping aside from that door.

And in a way, my career so far has been a slow attempt at stepping back and stepping aside from that door.

I didn't get it back to get my bonus. But I didn't make it to work. I still think about the feeling of that. And I just think, why did I rage out that day? And I think it was just that all that hope was robbed from me. I think that was what it was. I felt entitled to that bonus. And when someone else took that out of me, I think I lost sense of control.

I didn't get it back to get my bonus. But I didn't make it to work. I still think about the feeling of that. And I just think, why did I rage out that day? And I think it was just that all that hope was robbed from me. I think that was what it was. I felt entitled to that bonus. And when someone else took that out of me, I think I lost sense of control.

And I think about that, like, you have these epiphanies when you're kind of in a helpless state.

And I think about that, like, you have these epiphanies when you're kind of in a helpless state.

I have this particular one and I didn't, I just felt, it felt kind of crazy, but I start asking my friends about it and a lot of them actually share it. And it's usually in the middle of the night. I can't sleep. I wake up in a kind of terror. It's almost like this moment before a true awareness arrives. There's about like a 15 second window of, oh my God, What is all this?

I have this particular one and I didn't, I just felt, it felt kind of crazy, but I start asking my friends about it and a lot of them actually share it. And it's usually in the middle of the night. I can't sleep. I wake up in a kind of terror. It's almost like this moment before a true awareness arrives. There's about like a 15 second window of, oh my God, What is all this?

And what fills that is this kind of horror that none of it matters. We're all going to die. Why am I here? Why am I sitting in this apartment scribbling away when I should be trying to be a better partner? I want to apologize to everybody I've ever known. I want to redeem myself for everything. And I'm going to commit my life to trying to heal and help everybody I love.