Paula Poundstone
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Why not just do it like the circus and have like a big tent and then a little tent? And then you can go to whichever wedding you want to go to.
Why not just do it like the circus and have like a big tent and then a little tent? And then you can go to whichever wedding you want to go to.
Well, I wouldn't call it a sideshow. It's a more intimate wedding. You can have a freak show, too.
Well, I wouldn't call it a sideshow. It's a more intimate wedding. You can have a freak show, too.
No more need for a safe word.
No more need for a safe word.
Or a self vasectomy. And that's a point for a hurry. Very well done, you guys.
Or a self vasectomy. And that's a point for a hurry. Very well done, you guys.
It was Campbell's? It's Progresso. Yeah, that's a Progresso move. It really is. Campbell's has the market. Progresso's trying. You don't see Amy's pulling that. No, it's true.
It was Campbell's? It's Progresso. Yeah, that's a Progresso move. It really is. Campbell's has the market. Progresso's trying. You don't see Amy's pulling that. No, it's true.
There are scientists who do studies. That means they were watching these penguins like it was Love Island, right?
There are scientists who do studies. That means they were watching these penguins like it was Love Island, right?
And then somehow they had to tell the difference between the different penguins. Like, they knew the differences between them. Yeah. And then were able to say, that one's not sleeping with that one anymore. Yeah. He's moved on with that one. Yeah. And this is, they do this for a living. That is their job, to observe the penguins. To see whether they're having sex with the same partners or not. Yes.
And then somehow they had to tell the difference between the different penguins. Like, they knew the differences between them. Yeah. And then were able to say, that one's not sleeping with that one anymore. Yeah. He's moved on with that one. Yeah. And this is, they do this for a living. That is their job, to observe the penguins. To see whether they're having sex with the same partners or not. Yes.
This is some... This is some sick stuff.
This is some... This is some sick stuff.
Usually when there's this much snow in New Orleans, it's going up people's noses. Am I right, everybody? Mardi Gras. Yeah.
Usually when there's this much snow in New Orleans, it's going up people's noses. Am I right, everybody? Mardi Gras. Yeah.
The Big Easy, more like the Big Freezy. I had written it down and I didn't want to give it up.
The Big Easy, more like the Big Freezy. I had written it down and I didn't want to give it up.
January has too many days.
January has too many days.
This No Complaining business feels ageist. Because what are my parents supposed to do? That's what they're retired, they're in their 70s, they complain, they watch TV, and they talk behind each other's backs to their children. Really? Are you going to ban that too now? We're not going to do that?
This No Complaining business feels ageist. Because what are my parents supposed to do? That's what they're retired, they're in their 70s, they complain, they watch TV, and they talk behind each other's backs to their children. Really? Are you going to ban that too now? We're not going to do that?
Oh, right. No, no, no, no. You're right. One in three are the same. Exactly.
Oh, right. No, no, no, no. You're right. One in three are the same. Exactly.
So I could go up to somebody and be like, have you heard of Hari Kondabolu? I'm Hari Kondabolu.
So I could go up to somebody and be like, have you heard of Hari Kondabolu? I'm Hari Kondabolu.
This is McDonald's propaganda. There's no way. The New York Times has been paid off by McDonald's. I'm going to say it right now.
This is McDonald's propaganda. There's no way. The New York Times has been paid off by McDonald's. I'm going to say it right now.
Park Ranger Nikki Fisher has overseen Abraham Lincoln's boyhood home in southern Indiana for 20 years. But recently, visitor numbers have dwindled. Three months ago, Ranger Nikki decided to take things into her own hands. Quote, there's always videos of traffic in Yellowstone because people are gaga over some elk. People, they're just fancy deer.
Park Ranger Nikki Fisher has overseen Abraham Lincoln's boyhood home in southern Indiana for 20 years. But recently, visitor numbers have dwindled. Three months ago, Ranger Nikki decided to take things into her own hands. Quote, there's always videos of traffic in Yellowstone because people are gaga over some elk. People, they're just fancy deer.
So after sending $1,000 to a company called No Questions Asked Animals Direct Online, Nikki bought a herd of elk and planted them right in front of the front gate. People were confused about how they got there, but I just said, quote, climate change is crazy. And they bought it. When the initial buzz died down, Nikki upped the ante. Soon, there were two bison living in the park.
So after sending $1,000 to a company called No Questions Asked Animals Direct Online, Nikki bought a herd of elk and planted them right in front of the front gate. People were confused about how they got there, but I just said, quote, climate change is crazy. And they bought it. When the initial buzz died down, Nikki upped the ante. Soon, there were two bison living in the park.
A month later, a herd of flamingos flew in. Wildlife experts were finally called in when a local farmer spotted a Bengal tiger in his chicken coop. Now that all the animals have been returned to their countries of origin, Nikki has now moved on to her next project, finding a new job.
A month later, a herd of flamingos flew in. Wildlife experts were finally called in when a local farmer spotted a Bengal tiger in his chicken coop. Now that all the animals have been returned to their countries of origin, Nikki has now moved on to her next project, finding a new job.
Well, how are you? Good enough.
Well, how are you? Good enough.
A lot of these are trick questions. They are.
A lot of these are trick questions. They are.
When my kids were little, my oldest daughter had some health problems that she wasn't supposed to have certain food, like little dietary restrictions. So she comes home one day, she was always coming home with like... foods that I hadn't sent her off with all over her shirt.
When my kids were little, my oldest daughter had some health problems that she wasn't supposed to have certain food, like little dietary restrictions. So she comes home one day, she was always coming home with like... foods that I hadn't sent her off with all over her shirt.
And so one day, somehow this came up that she had gotten some sort of food that she wasn't supposed to have, and it was that. Pirate's booty. Which I had never heard of at the time. And I said, well, you know, I asked her about it. She said, I was eating pirate's booty. And I said, no, there's no such thing like that. And she goes, yeah, there is. I said, there is. I get so angry.
And so one day, somehow this came up that she had gotten some sort of food that she wasn't supposed to have, and it was that. Pirate's booty. Which I had never heard of at the time. And I said, well, you know, I asked her about it. She said, I was eating pirate's booty. And I said, no, there's no such thing like that. And she goes, yeah, there is. I said, there is. I get so angry.
I go, booty is like a phrase, honey, for like a woman's butt. They would not name a snack food pirate's booty. They just wouldn't. And then, of course, we're in the grocery store and the kids show me. And I'm like, OK. So that's like a regular thing. criticism that I receive from my adult children is to reminisce about the Pirate's Booty story. So I'm looking forward to playing the game again.
I go, booty is like a phrase, honey, for like a woman's butt. They would not name a snack food pirate's booty. They just wouldn't. And then, of course, we're in the grocery store and the kids show me. And I'm like, OK. So that's like a regular thing. criticism that I receive from my adult children is to reminisce about the Pirate's Booty story. So I'm looking forward to playing the game again.
Yeah, boy. He was not given away.
Yeah, boy. He was not given away.
You know, A, they're heroes, and they handled it so amazingly well. You never heard anything but that they were excited to be there. Yes. But I think as Americans, we are prepared, or certainly, well, I mean, people my age and up are prepared for that, for a trip to take a turn where you stay longer than you planned because of Gilligan's Island. We know that the... Yeah, that's true.
You know, A, they're heroes, and they handled it so amazingly well. You never heard anything but that they were excited to be there. Yes. But I think as Americans, we are prepared, or certainly, well, I mean, people my age and up are prepared for that, for a trip to take a turn where you stay longer than you planned because of Gilligan's Island. We know that the... Yeah, that's true.
Well, they may also be with a group of friends.
Well, they may also be with a group of friends.
It rhymes with baking and taking, and it's like vibrating. Shaking? Shaking! Yes! Yes!
It rhymes with baking and taking, and it's like vibrating. Shaking? Shaking! Yes! Yes!
It was supposed to be a three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.
It was supposed to be a three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.
And the tiny ship was tossed.
And the tiny ship was tossed.
Absolutely. And I'm sure it's part of astronaut training.
Absolutely. And I'm sure it's part of astronaut training.
All right. And they got thrown out for that?
All right. And they got thrown out for that?
They'll be stuck on Space Mountain.
They'll be stuck on Space Mountain.
Wow. Yeah, but that can be a red herring. Yeah, absolutely.
Wow. Yeah, but that can be a red herring. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, you know what's interesting about this proposition you're making, is that basically you're saying, be prepared to say anything. Which would be the same as not being prepared. Wow.
Well, you know what's interesting about this proposition you're making, is that basically you're saying, be prepared to say anything. Which would be the same as not being prepared. Wow.
I would spend any amount of money to bust these liars. Really? They're not going to get away with it. I'm tired of being lied to.
I would spend any amount of money to bust these liars. Really? They're not going to get away with it. I'm tired of being lied to.
Just before the start of their recent soccer game, Bulgarian team Arda paid tribute to recently deceased former team member Petko Gonchev. Both teams lined up and bowed their heads for a moment of silence. Meanwhile, the 78-year-old Gontchev was running late to get home to watch the game on TV, as was his practice. He wasn't dead.
Just before the start of their recent soccer game, Bulgarian team Arda paid tribute to recently deceased former team member Petko Gonchev. Both teams lined up and bowed their heads for a moment of silence. Meanwhile, the 78-year-old Gontchev was running late to get home to watch the game on TV, as was his practice. He wasn't dead.
When he pulled up at his house, his wife came out crying and shouting, Petko, Petko, they announced on TV that you were dead. Gontchev was so shaken by not being dead... He downed a glass of brandy. So many people called me relatives, friends, acquaintances, and not so big acquaintances, Gonchev said. Like maybe Stoyan, Ivan's friend from the bar that he met that time. Petko? Yes? It's me, Stoyan.
When he pulled up at his house, his wife came out crying and shouting, Petko, Petko, they announced on TV that you were dead. Gontchev was so shaken by not being dead... He downed a glass of brandy. So many people called me relatives, friends, acquaintances, and not so big acquaintances, Gonchev said. Like maybe Stoyan, Ivan's friend from the bar that he met that time. Petko? Yes? It's me, Stoyan.
Do I know you? Yes, we met at the bar that time. I'm Ivan's friend. Were you wearing a striped shirt? No, I had a blue shirt. Oh yes, Stoyan, hello. Petko, are you dead?
Do I know you? Yes, we met at the bar that time. I'm Ivan's friend. Were you wearing a striped shirt? No, I had a blue shirt. Oh yes, Stoyan, hello. Petko, are you dead?
Jiwoo of Jiwoo's Quick Buy Convenience Market in East Orange, New Jersey, loves Bruce Springsteen. Signage among the shelves of groceries and household items have long borne tributes to the boss. A dusty, hey baby, I'm about starving tonight sign hangs over the host's snack cake display. An oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire sign dangles over the door flame logs.
Jiwoo of Jiwoo's Quick Buy Convenience Market in East Orange, New Jersey, loves Bruce Springsteen. Signage among the shelves of groceries and household items have long borne tributes to the boss. A dusty, hey baby, I'm about starving tonight sign hangs over the host's snack cake display. An oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire sign dangles over the door flame logs.
And there beneath the oh, baby, this town rips the bones from your back sign are the first aid supplies. The shop's nachos are sold as chips with boss sauce, and Jiwoo proudly displays a picture of the boss himself enjoying a plateful.
And there beneath the oh, baby, this town rips the bones from your back sign are the first aid supplies. The shop's nachos are sold as chips with boss sauce, and Jiwoo proudly displays a picture of the boss himself enjoying a plateful.
However, when Lee Woo posted a sign saying that Springsteen would be performing there on December 7th, which he did not, it not only disappointed fans, but also resulted in a cease and desist for from the Springsteen legal team. We knew the nacho pitcher was photoshopped, and that was fine, but this was just a bridge too far, says Springsteen lawyer Carolyn Bump.
However, when Lee Woo posted a sign saying that Springsteen would be performing there on December 7th, which he did not, it not only disappointed fans, but also resulted in a cease and desist for from the Springsteen legal team. We knew the nacho pitcher was photoshopped, and that was fine, but this was just a bridge too far, says Springsteen lawyer Carolyn Bump.
Jiwoo framed the cease and desist later, and fans enjoy visiting the store to see it.
Jiwoo framed the cease and desist later, and fans enjoy visiting the store to see it.
It's kind of a tradition within the court. A very high bar. Speaking of traditions within the court, I heard that it's a tradition that the junior justice also has to take care of the meals in the cafeteria for the other justices? Yes.
It's kind of a tradition within the court. A very high bar. Speaking of traditions within the court, I heard that it's a tradition that the junior justice also has to take care of the meals in the cafeteria for the other justices? Yes.
I don't know. I so hate apps. that as much as I admire and love you, I cannot support that idea.
I don't know. I so hate apps. that as much as I admire and love you, I cannot support that idea.
Mo, you were fantastic in The Martian, Mo. You were great. Fantastic.
Mo, you were fantastic in The Martian, Mo. You were great. Fantastic.
Wait, so I'm going to be sincere really quickly. That photograph of your daughter looking at you during your confirmation hearing was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. Oh my goodness. Thank you. It was remarkable. It was, you know, I showed it to my kids and I said, what the hell's the matter with you?
Wait, so I'm going to be sincere really quickly. That photograph of your daughter looking at you during your confirmation hearing was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. Oh my goodness. Thank you. It was remarkable. It was, you know, I showed it to my kids and I said, what the hell's the matter with you?
Hi, Paula. Hey, Megan. Hi.
Hi, Paula. Hey, Megan. Hi.
My daughter's bus driver came to me one time because he was giving her a pink slip for bad behavior for something on the bus. But the reason he was upset is because he went to take a nap on the bus one day. You know, when the kids were not, obviously. He went to take a nap. And he laid down in what was my daughter's seat. And he smelled this horrible smell.
My daughter's bus driver came to me one time because he was giving her a pink slip for bad behavior for something on the bus. But the reason he was upset is because he went to take a nap on the bus one day. You know, when the kids were not, obviously. He went to take a nap. And he laid down in what was my daughter's seat. And he smelled this horrible smell.
And she had been taking the fruit that I, you know, put in the Tupperware in her lunchbox and shoving it under the seat. And so there's a horrible rotten fruit smell. And, of course, I was upset because I said I was going to eat that.
And she had been taking the fruit that I, you know, put in the Tupperware in her lunchbox and shoving it under the seat. And so there's a horrible rotten fruit smell. And, of course, I was upset because I said I was going to eat that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The head of the FBI.
The head of the FBI.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Paula Poundstone. Just whatever's in the trunk of your car.
Paula Poundstone. Just whatever's in the trunk of your car.
when authorities discovered... Well, let me try to steer you in the right direction. You know these days that if you... Because she had a note on her that said, don't forget you have that gun in your bag. That is so close.
when authorities discovered... Well, let me try to steer you in the right direction. You know these days that if you... Because she had a note on her that said, don't forget you have that gun in your bag. That is so close.
Plenty of room in those shoes, that's for sure.
Plenty of room in those shoes, that's for sure.
She should have done what I do, like if I'm taking meds or something, I will tape, like if you have to take them multiple times, right? I tape them to my shirt. And then when I go out, people go, what's that on your shirt? And I go, oh, geez, thanks. And I take it.
She should have done what I do, like if I'm taking meds or something, I will tape, like if you have to take them multiple times, right? I tape them to my shirt. And then when I go out, people go, what's that on your shirt? And I go, oh, geez, thanks. And I take it.
Yeah, the individual pills, not big bottles.
Yeah, the individual pills, not big bottles.
Well, if they notice too early, I won't take it.
Well, if they notice too early, I won't take it.
God, see, I was really bad at quizzes, and I always did C when I didn't know the answer.
God, see, I was really bad at quizzes, and I always did C when I didn't know the answer.
My baby ain't having no sex around no boy.
My baby ain't having no sex around no boy.
Well, how are you? Good enough.
A lot of these are trick questions. They are.
When my kids were little, my oldest daughter had some health problems that she wasn't supposed to have certain food, like little dietary restrictions. So she comes home one day, she was always coming home with like... foods that I hadn't sent her off with all over her shirt.
And so one day, somehow this came up that she had gotten some sort of food that she wasn't supposed to have, and it was that. Pirate's booty. Which I had never heard of at the time. And I said, well, you know, I asked her about it. She said, I was eating pirate's booty. And I said, no, there's no such thing like that. And she goes, yeah, there is. I said, there is. I get so angry.
I go, booty is like a phrase, honey, for like a woman's butt. They would not name a snack food pirate's booty. They just wouldn't. And then, of course, we're in the grocery store and the kids show me. And I'm like, OK. So that's like a regular thing. criticism that I receive from my adult children is to reminisce about the Pirate's Booty story. So I'm looking forward to playing the game again.
Yeah, boy. He was not given away.
You know, A, they're heroes, and they handled it so amazingly well. You never heard anything but that they were excited to be there. Yes. But I think as Americans, we are prepared, or certainly, well, I mean, people my age and up are prepared for that, for a trip to take a turn where you stay longer than you planned because of Gilligan's Island. We know that the... Yeah, that's true.
Well, they may also be with a group of friends.
It rhymes with baking and taking, and it's like vibrating. Shaking? Shaking! Yes! Yes!
It was supposed to be a three-hour tour. A three-hour tour.
And the tiny ship was tossed.
Absolutely. And I'm sure it's part of astronaut training.
All right. And they got thrown out for that?
They'll be stuck on Space Mountain.
Wow. Yeah, but that can be a red herring. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, you know what's interesting about this proposition you're making, is that basically you're saying, be prepared to say anything. Which would be the same as not being prepared. Wow.
I would spend any amount of money to bust these liars. Really? They're not going to get away with it. I'm tired of being lied to.
Just before the start of their recent soccer game, Bulgarian team Arda paid tribute to recently deceased former team member Petko Gonchev. Both teams lined up and bowed their heads for a moment of silence. Meanwhile, the 78-year-old Gontchev was running late to get home to watch the game on TV, as was his practice. He wasn't dead.
When he pulled up at his house, his wife came out crying and shouting, Petko, Petko, they announced on TV that you were dead. Gontchev was so shaken by not being dead... He downed a glass of brandy. So many people called me relatives, friends, acquaintances, and not so big acquaintances, Gonchev said. Like maybe Stoyan, Ivan's friend from the bar that he met that time. Petko? Yes? It's me, Stoyan.
Do I know you? Yes, we met at the bar that time. I'm Ivan's friend. Were you wearing a striped shirt? No, I had a blue shirt. Oh yes, Stoyan, hello. Petko, are you dead?
My baby ain't having no sex around no boy.
Why not just do it like the circus and have like a big tent and then a little tent? And then you can go to whichever wedding you want to go to.
Well, I wouldn't call it a sideshow. It's a more intimate wedding. You can have a freak show, too.
No more need for a safe word.
Or a self vasectomy. And that's a point for a hurry. Very well done, you guys.
It was Campbell's? It's Progresso. Yeah, that's a Progresso move. It really is. Campbell's has the market. Progresso's trying. You don't see Amy's pulling that. No, it's true.
There are scientists who do studies. That means they were watching these penguins like it was Love Island, right?
And then somehow they had to tell the difference between the different penguins. Like, they knew the differences between them. Yeah. And then were able to say, that one's not sleeping with that one anymore. Yeah. He's moved on with that one. Yeah. And this is, they do this for a living. That is their job, to observe the penguins. To see whether they're having sex with the same partners or not. Yes.
This is some... This is some sick stuff.
Usually when there's this much snow in New Orleans, it's going up people's noses. Am I right, everybody? Mardi Gras. Yeah.
The Big Easy, more like the Big Freezy. I had written it down and I didn't want to give it up.
January has too many days.
This No Complaining business feels ageist. Because what are my parents supposed to do? That's what they're retired, they're in their 70s, they complain, they watch TV, and they talk behind each other's backs to their children. Really? Are you going to ban that too now? We're not going to do that?
Oh, right. No, no, no, no. You're right. One in three are the same. Exactly.
So I could go up to somebody and be like, have you heard of Hari Kondabolu? I'm Hari Kondabolu.
This is McDonald's propaganda. There's no way. The New York Times has been paid off by McDonald's. I'm going to say it right now.
Park Ranger Nikki Fisher has overseen Abraham Lincoln's boyhood home in southern Indiana for 20 years. But recently, visitor numbers have dwindled. Three months ago, Ranger Nikki decided to take things into her own hands. Quote, there's always videos of traffic in Yellowstone because people are gaga over some elk. People, they're just fancy deer.
So after sending $1,000 to a company called No Questions Asked Animals Direct Online, Nikki bought a herd of elk and planted them right in front of the front gate. People were confused about how they got there, but I just said, quote, climate change is crazy. And they bought it. When the initial buzz died down, Nikki upped the ante. Soon, there were two bison living in the park.
A month later, a herd of flamingos flew in. Wildlife experts were finally called in when a local farmer spotted a Bengal tiger in his chicken coop. Now that all the animals have been returned to their countries of origin, Nikki has now moved on to her next project, finding a new job.
Jiwoo of Jiwoo's Quick Buy Convenience Market in East Orange, New Jersey, loves Bruce Springsteen. Signage among the shelves of groceries and household items have long borne tributes to the boss. A dusty, hey baby, I'm about starving tonight sign hangs over the host's snack cake display. An oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire sign dangles over the door flame logs.
And there beneath the oh, baby, this town rips the bones from your back sign are the first aid supplies. The shop's nachos are sold as chips with boss sauce, and Jiwoo proudly displays a picture of the boss himself enjoying a plateful.
However, when Lee Woo posted a sign saying that Springsteen would be performing there on December 7th, which he did not, it not only disappointed fans, but also resulted in a cease and desist for from the Springsteen legal team. We knew the nacho pitcher was photoshopped, and that was fine, but this was just a bridge too far, says Springsteen lawyer Carolyn Bump.
Jiwoo framed the cease and desist later, and fans enjoy visiting the store to see it.
It's kind of a tradition within the court. A very high bar. Speaking of traditions within the court, I heard that it's a tradition that the junior justice also has to take care of the meals in the cafeteria for the other justices? Yes.
I don't know. I so hate apps. that as much as I admire and love you, I cannot support that idea.
Mo, you were fantastic in The Martian, Mo. You were great. Fantastic.
Wait, so I'm going to be sincere really quickly. That photograph of your daughter looking at you during your confirmation hearing was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. Oh my goodness. Thank you. It was remarkable. It was, you know, I showed it to my kids and I said, what the hell's the matter with you?
Hi, Paula. Hey, Megan. Hi.
My daughter's bus driver came to me one time because he was giving her a pink slip for bad behavior for something on the bus. But the reason he was upset is because he went to take a nap on the bus one day. You know, when the kids were not, obviously. He went to take a nap. And he laid down in what was my daughter's seat. And he smelled this horrible smell.
And she had been taking the fruit that I, you know, put in the Tupperware in her lunchbox and shoving it under the seat. And so there's a horrible rotten fruit smell. And, of course, I was upset because I said I was going to eat that.
Yeah.
The head of the FBI.
Look at that.
Paula Poundstone. Just whatever's in the trunk of your car.
when authorities discovered... Well, let me try to steer you in the right direction. You know these days that if you... Because she had a note on her that said, don't forget you have that gun in your bag. That is so close.
Plenty of room in those shoes, that's for sure.
She should have done what I do, like if I'm taking meds or something, I will tape, like if you have to take them multiple times, right? I tape them to my shirt. And then when I go out, people go, what's that on your shirt? And I go, oh, geez, thanks. And I take it.
Yeah, the individual pills, not big bottles.
Well, if they notice too early, I won't take it.
God, see, I was really bad at quizzes, and I always did C when I didn't know the answer.