Peter Gonzalez

What's up? How's everybody doing? That's good, bro. I'm from San Antonio. Yeah, I recently left San Antonio, and people always ask me why I left San Antonio. And the answer is I just got tired of remembering the Alamo. That's like San Antonio's motto, you know? Everywhere you go, people are like, hey, do you remember what happened? I'm like, no, I don't.

And it's not because I'm an asshole or anything. I'm just tired of white people giving me tests. You know, like I was at the Alamo Starbucks And the waitress, she tells me, hey, can I get a name for your order? And can you also tell me who won the Battle of the Alamo? And I was like, nah, bro, next question. Yeah, I've been in Austin for a couple months now. Yeah, bro, yeah.

Been here for a couple months, and I like it, man. It's really different, you know? They got a lot of white homeless people here. Yeah, bro, like white homeless people are way different than regular homeless people. You know, like this guy paid my college tuition off and shit. Yeah, bro, it was like meeting Santa Claus on heroin.

Two years.

I appreciate it, man. I love your shit, bro.

No one? Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

I just thought it was like some local humor type shit.

Well, I meant like there's more white homeless here. Like, it's just a lot more than San Antonio. There's a bunch of Mexicans in San Antonio. Over here, it's like, you know, it needs some... Okay, let's talk about it, Peter. What do you do for work? Right now, I work at an office depot.

Okay. Sorry, I'm fucking nervous. I'd love to be laughing right now. I'm just nervous. You're okay.

It's compelling.

I'm mainly like a salesman. I sell paper to white people.

Well, I'm about to get fired because I make such little sales.

But, yeah, I'm a pretty shitty salesman, honestly. I just throw out the... Okay, let's go full lights back up. We gave it a shot.

Uh, yeah, sir, can I help you to... What the fuck? See, I'm shitty, bro.

What kind of paper would you like? Like, what are you looking for?

I sell green cards, green card paper to Mexicans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but there are a lot of Mexicans that come in and need help, like getting their green card. That's basically what I'm for. You know, they walk in and I translate. I'm like, necesita ayuda, necesita green card. They're like, yeah. And I take them to the printer and help them out.

We got another one.

31.

Pretty much. Like, go see family in San Antonio.

I don't know, bro. I'm pretty boring. I just, like, smoke weed, sit at home, and write jokes, perform a couple times a week, and...

I play soccer, like Sunday amateur soccer league.

Yeah, I play with like 30 illegal Mexicans. Yeah. Yeah. They've all been deported since, so it's just me now.

No, I haven't been in a relationship in a couple months, honestly, no.

I don't know.

Uh, no, no. Um, shit, it's been a minute, honestly. Uh, yeah, yeah, it was, like, this white girl I was with, but it wasn't really, like, a relationship. Where'd you meet the white girl at? At my job. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. That's the only way I get laid. I just meet girls at my job.

No, this was when I worked at Target. Oh. She was a co-worker. Yeah, she was a co-worker.

Yeah.

We just smoked weed together. In your car?

Toyota Camry.

No, it's blue.

Huh?

I don't know. The engine just blew up one day, like a couple months ago. It just exploded. You don't know how to fix it? No, I'm bad with cars. I'm horrible. I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro.

No, no. I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro. I can't speak Spanish. I can't fucking fix cars. I can't clean shit. I'm bad. I'm very bad. I'm a disappointment.

Thank you. Thank you.

This shit? Yeah, it's stage fright.

Like, what scares me?

Nightmares. No, I don't know.

No, I don't know, bro.

I was excited, bro. I lowkey knew it was going to happen. I don't know why. Today I was ready. You did? I don't know why. Yeah, I just knew it. I was just smiling, just ready. I got four choices, just kind of motivated.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I just felt it. I was just feeling good today.

No, no. No, no. I try to be... You are funny. I love this kid, man.

All right, never again, bro. Here we go.