Producer

What's up, everybody? Welcome to Flagrant. And today we have one of my favorites, man. We got Adam Rowe back.

So they would groom girls... Yes. ...and then wait until they're legal and then have sex with them?

I actually don't like it when they tell me. Makes you want to do it. Also, I can plead ignorance if I don't really know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if I get sat down with the guys in the outfits and everything and they tell me all the rules. The outfits. Now I'm like, fuck, they just told me this shit dressed up. Yeah, I feel like there would be something bad there.

But then again, if you get arrested for that.

Like, what do people think of her out there?

That's fire. We hate her here for some reason. I think it's just the idea, like, Americans really... I think it's the same feeling. It's like we really resent people who haven't seemingly earned their success. Yeah, yeah. You know, like the idea of like nepotism or heirs or the royal family. Yeah, but then you should hate the royal family and you should like him. We don't respect the royal family.

So, like, this is the... You have gangbangers and gangbangs in the same place, and then for whatever reason, we can't put those together.

They cancelled the comedy show.

You want to know how incredible Hamilton is? Yeah. Once we went to like a private dance club in Hawaii. Strip club. Strip club. But there's like a little private room where the strippers come in. He's trying to feed that. And they give you an aux cord and you get to control the music. And I go, Mark, you know what you got to do? He's like, I got it.

I see Mark go up to the aux, plug it in, and the next thing I hear is... How does a bastard... I was saying like five minutes, we were just singing and dancing and the strippers were all just sitting down, like so confused. Yeah.

Is it weird to have that showing in England? No. Like, the historical count of the Revolutionary War. So, like, this is... There's no way you learn how we learn it.

So they lied to you in school?

Hamilton in America was, like, not a very, in our generation, was not a very popular figure. Totally. Like, they were going to replace him, I think, on the bill. Yeah, yeah, I think that was the plan. And Aaron Burr. The extent of Burr was a Got Milk commercial. Do you remember that commercial?

He's eating a cookie and he doesn't have any milk. And he like calls in some hotline to like win something. And he goes, and they go, who was the person that had a duel with Hamilton and then shot him and then killed Alexander Hamilton? And the guy goes, he can't get it out because he doesn't have milk.

I remember this my entire childhood going, I don't know who the fuck that guy is. And then I remember seeing Hamilton. I was like, oh.

Sorry. So, so when, when you're watching a play of like the American revolution in England, is there like a complete disconnect to an event that happened in history? Like, I don't think Americans are there yet to like have a play. Like if there was a Vietnamese play about how they won the war, I don't think it'd be like celebrated in America.

It's just not like a, it doesn't look like you're watching a loss.

The king is the best character in it.

Rebellion is like part of the identity. So any story that has rebellion, we get all excited about.

But we assume it's because he's British.

But he'd seen me on media. Yeah, that's great. And shout out to him. This is, I guess, a peculiar question, but it's the observation I had when I was in Britain. There's all these tiny little towns that have kind of evolved independently from this idea of England, right? Yeah. And then the empire kind of swallows them all up. Yeah. But they have their own identities. Some of them do.

Some of them do. Whereas, like, the states in America are added after the 13th as America. Yeah. You don't have an identity outside of us. Maybe Texas, because they almost did their own thing, but it's rare. So I wonder if that changes things, where you don't really personalize what the greater England did, because there were people there a thousand years ago just doing their thing anyway.

You go to some places that England never got to, and you're like, you could have used a little.

It's so British. See, the colonial comes out. It's the best train. But when you see him on top of the train riding it, aren't you like, that was worth the jewel? Yeah. They're enjoying that thing. Imagine they got a roller coaster. Oh. If you dropped a roller coaster in Mumbai, dude, they would forget.

It's funny. But that's good perspective to have. I think a lot of Americans don't know that about England. I think that we assume that every country is kind of like us, incredibly proud of themselves, and that's it. That's the identity. Yeah, we're divided in America, but for the most part, Americans are like, it's America, and then fuck the rest of y'all.

Whereas you go to Spain, and there are parts of Spain that are like, we're not Spanish.

Catalonia, the Basque country.

Huh? We're not going to joke around about it at all. This is going to go poorly.

That's the tricky thing, is that a certain amount of people are going to be crazy. Yeah. Right. Like and that is going to be consistent across whatever culture.

And when you have people that are entering your country, you know, a certain percentage of them are going to be crazy. And the idea I imagine with an open border is that there's no way to discern who is or isn't. Now, there's no way to tell if somebody's kid is going to be crazy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I get the anger that somebody has in a situation where, like, we can at least control this if we just stop people from coming in. Yeah, yeah. But you're not going to control crazy. They're going to be fucking Jimmy Savills. Totally. Right?

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Yeah, but you stopped that for a couple of weeks. Yeah, we did that because they were fucking, they would fight back.

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Okay, so this is, again, a lot of the news that we get from Great Britain is, like, what Elon tweets. Yeah, exactly. That's a problem. Yeah, so we read the headline and we're like, grooming gangs? What the fuck is going on over here? I will say, I looked into the thousand people they fucked a little bit more, and they're doing it. They're actually having sex with these guys.

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Paid non-client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Tier 2 compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash flagrant. All right, guys, let's take a break for a second. You already see the light. You know what time it is. Dick's going up. Dick hard. Dick hard.

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This is an absolute no-brainer. You got a big date this weekend. She already knows she's putting it out. She sends you the videos. She sends you the ass shaking. She tells you what she's going to do with it. Rock up. Rock up, my boys, and have a great time. Now let's get back to the show. Funny to see even in America, like, we put out this piece, the intro to...

an episode basically right after the inauguration. And, you know, for the last four years, people cried. You know, a lot of times they were crying about the Democrats and they're crying about, you know, people making fun of, you know, who you can joke about or whatever. And we're clowning Elon. Because he had that fucking autistic moment where he's, you know, throwing a fucking Nazi slur.

Did he mean to tell everybody he's a Nazi in that moment? Of course not, right?

Maybe that's the case. And then we can even have that discussion. I don't think that that was what he did. But there is a version where you could just be like, I did some dumb ass shit right there. Right? Like, you can just acknowledge it. You don't have to be like, you guys are stupid. I can't believe you do that. Or find all these excuses. Like, he was technically doing a Roman salute.

That's like saying, you know. My point is like, there was all these right wing guys like, oh, you can't make fun of anybody. And what happened to comedy? We should be in front of whatever. And the second the jokes are about Elon, it's like, oh, dude, you used to be funny. This is fucked up shit. You just became the guy you were criticizing for the last four years.

This is another thing. Like there are narratives that happen when a comedian gets to like a certain size, right? A certain level of success. Like I haven't seen it happen with me. I've seen it happen with other people. And these narratives just sprout up and you have to be a certain level of success for the narratives to even pop up.

What is the reaction in, like, proper, polite British circles about this?

And what's interesting about Burr is like Burr is one of the most prolific comedians that's ever existed. Yeah. And I've seen this thing happen, like, oh, he's going, whoa, girl. Honestly, I think this is my take on it.

It's like when feminism, like the pendulum swung way too far in one direction and you could never feel like you could make fun of women, and women were saying insane shit with the protection of feminism. If you call them out on it, then you're a sexist and you're a bigot. So everybody was really scared. Comedians who had jokes about the absurdity of this extreme feminism said,

gained a lot of popularity because you could get the sentiment that we all had out. I mean, I'd definitely benefit from that. I had plenty of jokes about that. And Bill was amazing and prolific at that. Now the pendulum has swung back. We don't need to make fun of feminists all the time. We realize that they're retarded.

So now he's going just making fun of whatever he wants to make fun of right now. But because he doesn't offer that like social utility for you, now he's gone woke and now he's not funny. It's bullshit.

You never liked him. You like that he made you feel good with your feelings.

We know the angle.

I don't care if you're woke, as long as it's funny.

Exactly. And that's what I hate about the criticism, right? It's like, you can be funny and have a progressive line of thinking. There was a guy named Jon Stewart that did it really effectively for the last fucking two decades, probably. So...

Yeah, it's like, it's really, it's a shame when you see these people that they seem to, like, be fighting for comedy and everybody can get these jokes and the second the jokes are kind of against their point of view, all of a sudden, now that person has completely changed.

you said you'd save my life yeah look at the fucking boat no you're 100 right it's it's yeah comedy should be like your emotional reaction to something yeah it doesn't have to be what you know to be right or wrong it's how you feel in the moment like all the old borscht belt comics i take my wife please you don't really want someone to take your fucking wife

But there's moments where you're like, get this bitch away from me. Right. And that's the sentiment of the joke. So as long as you're honoring that emotional reaction to the joke, it doesn't matter what's fucking true or not true. And he's Ben Shapiro type. So I don't know why we would give a flying fuck what they think about comedy anyway.

Like he literally says, facts don't care about your feelings. Comedy should not deal with facts at all. Like the facts guys stay out of comedy. We're liars. You know what I mean? I want the liar comments. I want the comments like, I'm going to lie and it's going to be funny for the next hour. I'm like, I like you. You are interesting to me.

You know, like when Patrice O'Neill talks about Harassment Day, he's not literally saying we should sexually harass women one day out of the year, but emotionally... That's all comedy has to be. It'd be funny if. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to do this, but it'd be funny if.

Why is that so hard for these nerds like Shapiro to understand?

But yes, a hundred percent. It's between the line.

And that's why we do it.

You're not a comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Ben Shapiro, you're the guy who says if comedians are too woke or not.

Yeah. Very well. Yeah, you got to be careful for the toxics.

Go back to your roots. Oh, that's hilarious. Indian girls love you. They're just like, how does he open it so easily? They just have to sleep on this side of the bed.

Bro, that's funny though. I mean, you got to talk about your shit. It was a crazy story though.

Yes. Yeah, it is. Like, it's a totally fictional hour.

That's a funny thing to put in the beginning of a special. Yeah. For legal reasons, all of this is fiction. Yeah.

Stories affect people differently in general. Like if somebody walks in the room right now and goes, guys, I got a crazy story. We're going to give them about like two minutes of our attention no matter what. It's like our earliest form of digesting information. Before we could like write shit down, it was just people saying, yo, this is kind of wild.

I mean, the Odyssey, who the fuck remembered that entire story? Yeah. But we're hardwired to remember these things that have this long form narrative. You know, it's like if we wanted little chunks of things, movies wouldn't exist. No. But when you sit down for two hours, it's this one beautiful, long story that kind of reflects, you know, where our lives are led, you know.

But mixing things up, I think, is important, too. You got to always keep your fans on their toes. I think like once they start expecting something, there can be a little boredom that comes with it. But they show up and they see this hour and it's all these punchy jokes and they're like, oh shit, whoa, that's right. Oh, he also does this.

And then you hit them next time with something completely different.

to be something real like you can't make a story out of nothing you know but like i watching you do your show that i don't know how much you spoke about when your specials coming out and whatever but come out uh i don't know if we've mentioned it but basically next month next month it comes out on netflix yeah but like i watched you do that twice once in manchester once at msg yeah oh you saw the new version in msg yeah because i didn't announce yeah the thing yeah yeah yeah the baby yeah there's a the back half of that special

I couldn't go through with it. There's some great porn stories coming out of Britain. The girl that had sex with the inmate. Oh, yeah. Was that real?

That was the idea. I mean, yeah, the idea is I wanted to tell a story and it was not something I'd never done before. I also want to be personal. Like I never thought my life was interesting enough to be personal. Hmm. And then this was really hard for us to have a kid. And then I started talking about it on stage. And then I started getting those reactions from people.

And they were like, well, yeah, I'm kind of going through the same thing. And I was like, oh, shit, it's not just me. And I started reading all these books about storytelling. And learning what the structure was and the different arcs that you have to do and the three acts. And I was like, okay, maybe I can turn this into a story, but I don't want the audience to think that it's a one-man show.

Yeah, yeah. Because I always felt like that was a little bit of a... It's like you're asking them to lower their expectations a little. You know what I mean? So I wanted to start a stand-up and then turn into this thing and see if I can kind of hold your attention. And then the weirdest thing would happen is, like, you get into the story and, like, you can just feel the energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, they're like, where's this going? Like, what's going to happen? Wait, no. And... Yeah, I can see why you're compelled to do it again. Because once you capture their attention in that way, it feels different than just punchlines.

I saw the video, but I mean, like, was it... He's quick with it. He's online, bro. I was fine. Like, you were set to stop watching for 60 seconds. No, no, I saw the video, and she was phenomenal. But she was so good that I thought it was kind of set up. She was like a pro. But it turns out she was actually a, what are they called? Corrections officer. Yeah, yeah. No, she's a prison officer.

We call that a CO, corrections officer. Oh, okay, yeah. Like Rick Ross. What? The rapper used to be. Did he, yeah? Yeah, yeah. I don't think he did the porn. But I think he did.

Fucking assholes.

Alcohol. But it also is the only thing that helps.

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Yeah. Of course. I want to see some Simpsons.

He's like, all right. I wish Alex would learn how to turn down a drink. He was like, you can't take this motherfucker anywhere. Are you heavy on the booze? No, he's not heavy on the booze, but if he has three drinks, he has no ability to control the questions that he asks any people.

Right now, I want to ask you about your eye.

No, no, no. Let him have two more drinks. Your whole family's dead, huh? Everyone's dead? Okay, so can you see better out of that one? Yeah. So we go down to do this. I love that you're playing paddle, by the way. You were telling me out there you're playing. Yeah. Love that. So I go down to do this. I get to be a co-captain in this paddle, this reserve cup thing, right?

So this guy Wayne and reserve, they're really like the people that are pushing paddle in America. And they have this big cup and they get like the 16 best players in the world and they go do this tournament. It's awesome. You get to play and watch these guys and it's incredible. And I'm obsessed with this sport. It's not even popular yet. So you're right there. You're watching them.

It's unbelievable. It's like it'd be like if you were watching like the dream team in basketball scrimmage against each other. But there's only, you know, a couple hundred people in the gym. Yeah, it's unbelievable. And I go out. You want to come down to like Miami? It'll be fun. Will I hang out? He was. Yeah, actually, I would like to do that. And I was like, oh, awesome.

Like my friend, I don't get to hang out with him that much anymore. He's going to come down. This is this is great. Comes down, we're all hanging out. Now, the other captain is a guy named Derek Jeter, who was the shortstop for the Yankees. You know Derek Jeter. And, you know, growing up in New York, he's the king of New York, right? And, you know, to the king go the spoils, you know?

And there was, you know, lots of great stories about Derek Jeter. Maybe the most famous story that's ever come out about Derek Jeter is that—this is a story. It's a fictional story. You know, is that— You know, after he would bed the most beautiful women in New York City, he would give them a gift basket of his signed memorabilia as a sign of his appreciation.

Okay. Yeah. So Derek's a co-captain. Like I get to meet Derek or he's the other captain. I get to meet Derek and I'm chopping up with him. And I'm like, at a certain point in time, I'm asking about this gift basket. And I'm like warming up to it. And he's that like sweetest, nicest guy. Like, and he's also like, he's this nice, polite, fucking handsome, dignified dude.

But he's also been like playing baseball, which is just hanging around with guys in a dugout for 20 years, maybe 30. He's playing with the kids. So he knows how to be like a bro and hang as well. He's starting to get a little loose. We're busting balls a little bit. And Alex comes over, and Alex is so excited. And Alex is, like, four tequilas deep, right? And I see Alex come in hot.

He pops up out of nowhere, and usually you could, like, hover in the periphery, and I'm going to introduce you. He introduces himself, right? He goes, hey, I just want to let you know my name is Alex Media. He gives him his, like, famous name, not even, like, his real name. And he goes. His game attack. Exactly. Exactly, yeah. And he goes, where's Alex Media?

He goes, hey, my name is Alex Meade. I just want to know, you're a legend. And I'm like, all right, where's this going? That's fine. And he goes, you're a legend. And then he looks at it, and then Derek's like, oh, thanks so much, man. He goes, no, no, no, no. You're a legend. And I'm like, no, Al, don't do it. Don't do it. And he just goes, I got to know. What's up with the gift bags?

Now, Derek is so media trained, right? He goes, man, I mean, you got to be stupid to even believe a story like that. You got to be stupid. Now, he don't say it in that. He just says you got to be stupid to even believe a story like that.

Right? You gotta be stupid to even believe a story like that. Now, I've always wanted to ask Derek this one question because I've always thought about the gift baskets because I'm like, hold on. There are guys that probably got gifted like a signed baseball from their favorite baseball player by their girlfriend, like a Derek Jeter signed baseball.

And after that story came out, I always wondered what those dudes thought. Like, they'd pick up that baseball and be like... How the fuck did you get this? Can I see the authentication? Where the fuck is this baseball from? Right. And so I could try to like, you know, just calm the situation down. I go, yeah, wouldn't that funny if a guy said that? And he's just kind of laughing.

We're all kind of laughing. And it goes silent for a second. He goes.

Now, Al's so drunk, he doesn't start to realize Derek getting annoyed. And Derek starts going, I mean, you got to be a fucking idiot to believe that. He says fucking idiot to believe that. And Al goes, nah, you the man, bro, man.

I know, it sucks.

Derek might have said three different times, you would have to be a fucking idiot to believe that story.

He did a whole Instagram carousel post where it was, like, him and Derek Jeter, a picture of a gift basket.

Go back. I thought I was at the age that I wouldn't geek out if I met one of my childhood heroes. But I just met Derek Cheater. And that is not the case. Next slide. Respect. Respect. Next slide.

Shout out Derek, though. Derek's a fucking man, dude. You think we can get him on the podcast? I was immediately trying to get him on the podcast. You gotta come on a podcast.

Bro, I said to him, I go, Derek, what you need to do is never come on this podcast, okay? Until every one of your business deals is signed, sealed, delivered, and you're ready to retire and anger your wife and your entire family, then you come on Flickr and you tell some stories with the boys.

you know you're married i know would your wife care if you gave out gift baskets and he's like nah probably not it's like then you need to go with this lie and sell it right now i mean it can't be true like when he said you gotta be a fucking idiot to believe it there was a part of me it was like yeah that's the most ridiculous thing ever but you have to understand what we saw derrick jeter as like who is the biggest football player in england when you were growing up

For me, it was Steven Gerrard. Okay, so it was Gerrard or some people's Beckham or something. Gerrard.

Gerrard. Gerrard.

No, but Derek, man, I thought he handled your drunk ass very well. Okay, cool. Well, I don't know. I kind of left the convo, and I told Vala, I was like, yo, get Alex the fuck out of there immediately. I've never been more embarrassed.

Yeah, no, I'd be amazing. But at the same time, it's like, I would only want him if he was... talking that shit about what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because I'm trying to, like, equate it to something. Like, this guy had the city in his hand. Like, didn't, you know, the Knicks weren't really balling like that. We weren't winning championships. He was winning championships.

I mean, the Yankees win. There's an entire parade. The whole city shuts down. We don't have school. Like, it's...

Was this just, like, a regular season game against a bum team?

Yeah, that's surprising. I mean, usually the Yankees sell tickets. There are teams where it's completely empty. Like, it looks like it's preseason. So what's the point? They play so many games, too. Yeah, they play 162 games, and the TV deals is where they make all the money. But I think something's got to change with baseball. Like, I don't think there's the same excitement. I mean, it's got to.

Is that like... Yeah. Oh, tell me. Tell me. What is your sport? I'm going to put a ground on the Eagles. Really? Well, you know what? If you're going to gamble on sports, you got to do it with steak. We've changed outfits, but it's important because this week... is maybe the greatest week in sports. Mm-hmm.

And by that, I mean it is another reminder that the Dallas Cowboys are not in the Super Bowl. Yeah. Yeah. I'm broken.

Lily Phillips. Lily Phillips. No, there's a... Sorry, I thought you were talking about the gamers for a second. I was like, we don't know their names. That's scary. Anyway, but the grooming gangs, right? I feel like we could... You know, they don't have to do it anymore. They could just get online.

I just want to remind you that Akash is having a career year right now. Okay? Yeah. This guy's selling out 100 shows every single city he goes to. It's unbelievable what he's doing. And he's still upset about his football team. Why, God, why? That's all I can think to say. The point is, if you're going to bet on the Super Bowl, you should not trust Akash because he's been wrong every single week.

We still trust him, but we're down to lose our money. If I was you, I would put that money on them Kansas City Chiefs, okay? The last team in the league that still represents Native Americans. Okay? There's something very important about that. That is fire.

And that's why they haven't lost. They got the luck of the natives. Simple as that. If it was the Washington Redskins, they might be in it. Oh, that's probably why they lost. I'm just saying. They haven't had the best luck. Who? The natives? Yeah. I know. I think it's more irony. They got good luck with them casinos. Tell Stake. Hey, Stake is the leader of the global betting and U.S.

social casinos. Bet on top sports and political events. Use the promo code FLAGRANT for your welcome bonus. All right, I just want to let you know, Stake is definitely owned by 100% Native Americans. No, no, it's owned by 100% Natives. That's what it is, Natives. Natives to where? We do not know. But those people are native to somewhere, and that is a fact, okay? Now let's get back to the show.

You should go check out the Super Bowl. That'd be cool.

That's a good American event.

What does that mean, betting with the bookie's money?

Ah, okay, yeah.

I don't know how. When I play, I'm like, oh, I'm doing the exact same thing they're doing. And then I see videos of it, and it just looks like someone's putting it in slow motion. It's like sex. It really is. You watch videos, you're like, I'm that guy.

You got to get into it, man.

It is dope. And they stretch out the points for so long. There's weird things that climate effects have, but when it's cold, the balls are less... The air is, I guess, more dense, so the ball doesn't fly as much. So they can't knock it out as easily. So the points would just last forever. And you get to see them... I mean, it's just masterful the way they're doing it.

It's such a weird thing to describe to people because a lot of people don't even know what the sport is. Half of the people think I'm talking about fucking pickleball. I'm not talking about pickleball. What's the difference? So pickleball is basically like ping pong, but you're standing on the table. Okay. So it's like a smaller tennis court. The ball is like this corked thing.

And it's for basically like old people. Okay. That's the idea of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you have the skills still. Yeah. Keep going.

There we go. This is how it starts, bro. And it becomes an obsession, I'm telling you. It's like everywhere it's sprouted up, it becomes the dominant sport. And I just want everybody to get into it. Do people know you out there as a paddle ambassador? Probably more just from stand-up. No, that's not true. Anybody that's in the paddle space knows. That's fine.

Because there just aren't that many people with a following that are playing paddle. You know, like every once in a while, the F1 guys play or like a soccer guy plays. And there's this big deal in the paddle world, but you don't feel like they're playing obsessively. You know, like I take lessons in this shit. And the fact that people think it's pickleball is so embarrassing.

Imagine going, I have to go to my pickleball lesson.

I'm speaking like broken Spanish. I'm just yelling now. I'm like heckling him a little bit. I'm asking the guys on the sidelines, like what city they're from in Spain and shit. And I'm just like making up things about their cities. What's a strip club in Malaga? What's a strip club in Malaga?

Bro, there's a video Bala has. I should get the video where I'm just trying to help out. And again, I'm not the coach. I'm the captain, which is just like me and Derek are some guys that have some notoriety or whatever. And they're like, we'll just make you guys the captains to put some clout on the event. We're not supposed to do anything. Right.

Who's friends with the guy who owns the thing and is the ambassador. But I take my captain role very seriously. I'm on the sidelines with them. I'm handing waters out. They're from, like, Argentina and Spain. Now, Spain is not a third-world country. It's a first-world country, kind of. This is your culture, the ultimate fighter.

exactly but like but so like they're on the sidelines and they're still doing like third world like techniques to like uh deal with cramps and shit like they're eating bananas like they're fucking chimpanzees on the sidelines i'm like can we get these guys Get him like a Gatorade pouch or something.

I've never seen a marathon guy run and grab a fucking bushel of bananas and then scarf them during the match. A full banana during a match is insane. No, tennis players do that all the time. During the match?

Oh, dude, I had no clue. I thought they didn't know about the Gatorade pouch.

The players didn't give a fuck. It wasn't until I started making fun of them that they started like... I also think there's like a language barrier. They're not really sure who I am. One guy was calling me Derek and I was like, that's the other captain. These guys have no clue what's going on.

And then when I would start teasing him a little bit, I think they were like, oh, okay, he doesn't really think he's the coach.

He would so with me. No, no, no. He would want to win so bad. This is how I honestly believe this to my core. Two of us could play against one of them, and then he would still win. Oh, really? Yeah. Two of us against one, and we could hit at any part of the court we want, and they would still win, and we wouldn't get a game out.

As long as when we served, we would have to serve into the same spot every single time. Like, they're just unbelievable. I didn't realize the difference.

It's just everything looks so easy. It's important. But I really hope people go check it out and play. It's amazing. It'll drive your wife crazy. My wife hates it. She hates how much I love it. Because you're having fun. I'm having so much fun. And it's interesting because when she has fun doing things that don't involve me, I'm like really happy for her. Because you've got a break.

Because I get to play. All roads lead to battle. But when I go to play battle, she's furious about that for some reason. And she's like, I'll play with you. And I'm like, no, you won't. I'll beat you. Yeah.

When I'm playing paddle in the morning, I'm not out partying at night. So it's actually the best thing for her. Also, if I play golf, that's like four, five, six hours. I pick the sport that's only like two or three. You're welcome. I play golf as well. See? I do both. That's great. And he has domestic disputes a lot.

You described your Sunday, and I was like, how is she okay with this? Nine o'clock, pints with the boys, three hours of golf, then we go watch the football game. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Like, does she not go, hey, you can't do this? We did Christmas Day together.

She has like in enough?

We were drinking on the course. You're allowed to do that, right? Yeah. That's a part of it. Is golfing... I know you're super rich now that you're a successful big-time comedian, but golf in America is like a rich person sport. It is. Is it middle class as well?

That's the thing. In America, it's like a quarter million dollars to join a golf club. It's a country club. It's nowhere near that. Or a million sometimes to join. Yeah, it's nowhere near that. Yeah, but maybe in Florida.

Got it. It's where there's more land, you have more golf courses, and then it's a little bit more accessible.

depending on the hole okay and you start on every grid that would be a great fucking matchup you get the best golfer in the world and then you get me you well you actually play golf but me and al guys who don't play golf and we start on the green and they start at the t and we play 18 they beat you by between 30 and 50 shots

Dude, that's so funny. Yeah, we turn all the lights out. We put, like, the thing down and then we all try to take a nap.

I'd figure that out.

it's because a lot of guys that play tennis are now like kind of playing a paddle. And there's this one guy, Willie Canyas was his name. He beat Federer like three times. He was like, I think number eight of the world at one point in time. And he was saying like how the game of tennis changed. I had no clue that they were changing the greens. Like they were making it slower, making it faster.

And they're changing the game to make it more friendly for TV, essentially. Changing the density of the ball. They made it green. They made the change of color, but they're also changing like the size of it. Oh, really? So I think what happened was there was a time, like, have you ever seen that picture of what the grass tennis courts call it, I guess? Just grass? Lawn? Yeah, lawn.

So the lawn tennis courts. And how they've changed over the years, like which patches are the most used up. So back in the day when the game was at the net. you would see it all chopped up. And now the game is almost never at the net. They're both behind the line and they're both ripping it. And it's because they've changed the game to make it more exciting to extend the volleys.

When we were growing up, the guys, it would just be a hard serve because the greens were so fast. And then maybe one or two shots point would end. So they changed the game to make it more enjoyable for TV. I don't think that this is a coincidence at all outside of the Williams sisters being like superstars. The women's game picks up at the same time that the men's game is just serve and then done.

Oh, interesting. Because the women don't have the power. Yeah. So the rallies are much longer and the game is more interesting.

So look at the greens. That's right. Or it might be three. Look how much of the area where you would volley has eroded. And this is in 2024. There's almost nothing. Same exact course.

But you should, because then the guys end up making more money. That's the thing about these sports, like tennis. We know about the top 20 guys that are making all this money. The other 400 or 500 are not making all this money. They're like pros at the local country clubs or whatever. So you want the prize money to go up, but you should manipulate the game. I'd be kind of pissed, though, right?

If you get great at a game, then they change, and you're like, what the fuck? I asked him about that, and he goes... Because I think there was a moment where his skill set works for what was happening. And I think he could really, I think it was what's called like a pusher, where basically you could defend, you just get to every single ball, you just exhaust him.

You just get to every single ball, you just exhaust him. And then the game changed, it might have moved outside of his skill set, but he's like, yeah, you got to be able to adapt. Like, that's the nature of this.

Where are we going to run from? Crowd in the box, right?

You get a flagrant for flopping. Yeah.

You get booked for diving in football.

Maybe he's just this guy. Yeah. Maybe you're a pussy.

No, but I feel like... Oh, okay, here's something that maybe you can explain that is along the same thing. Okay. Robbie Williams...

You haven't even heard any of this yet? So Robbie Williams did an iconic episode of MTV Cribs. He had a song where he was like taking off his skin and like his muscles. Do you remember the music video for that? And he's just like pop sensation from the UK that has on paper everything that you need to succeed in America. And for whatever fucking reason, he just didn't cross over. East, yeah.

Because he's very, very, very British. So there's a British... But we like British things. We like Idris Elba. We like James Bond. We like Ricky Gervais.

What is the movie? Okay, go. Break down Robbie Williams, then we'll get to the movie.

Oh, I thought it made like $200. And I'm not even being facetious. I thought it was like less than $1,000 opening weekend. But it seems like that's part of the marketing.

Is the movie good? Like, is the story good? I haven't fucking seen it.

The opening weekend was $18,000. Holy shit. Yeah, 0.9% of it's total gross.

a real boy it's beautiful actually at the end fucking hell wild movie dude fucking hell okay so when are you back in town Adam I know you leave tomorrow

I haven't toured here yet. Do you have any interest in doing traditional club weekends and doing the American comic thing?

No, I think you should spend some more time here, man. I think it'd be cool. I also think it'd just be a fun experience to do a random improv or funny bone. Just do a weekend of five shows, maybe while you're building an hour, and just experience that here. I would definitely like to do that at some point, yeah.

It's like in the same way that American comedians think about doing the Edinburgh Festival. This is like a very traditional British thing. I like to take my show there. But to me, when I think of American comedy, I don't think of it in the big arenas or even theaters. I think of it like a fucking mall comedy club. And you're doing five shows and you're at a shitty hotel.

Well, listen, we'll always be here. We'll be supporting. Thank you so much for coming on, man.

And listen, we heard you're in town. We want you to come on the pod naturally. But there are some things that we need to get to the bottom to that are happening in Great Britain right now. Okay. It seems like there's two problems that could solve one another. There's like a couple British girls that are trying to like f*** the most people in a day. And then there's like gang r***ing.

This is legendary, dude. And... Mark had a great bit about Uber, right? I won't tell the bit. But, and, you know, he would start the joke by saying, like, we're taking the Uber over here, right? Yeah. Just to, like, make it feel really present and get everybody involved and so relatable. And Mark is telling the joke without realizing that there is no Uber in Vancouver. Yeah.

I do do that when I'm like, when I'm in another country, it's never like the concept of the joke. I'm like, do you know what this word means? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've texted me a couple of times when you were in the UK.

It was like everywhere else is so tribal. Like where you guys are from 30 minutes down the road, they're completely different groups of people. Then I'm in London. I'm like, what do they identify as?

Cornstarch.

Can we get a real-time fact check? The Indian Packing Company. Meat packaging.

Patriots almost did it but lost the Super Bowl. There you go. There it is.

Music

Four network rotation starting in 2024. What is the rights to that cost?

NBC gets winner Olympic years.

That's good. And most are making more.

Was ist das?

Und dann hast du mich ein wenig gedrückt, und du hast mir gesagt, dass ich gehen wollte. Und ich war so, okay. Und dann war ich beim Impro. Ich kann das nicht glauben. Das ist unglaublich. Das ist unglaublich. Ich kann das nicht glauben. Wow, weiter, Freund.

I love you, dude.

Hier ist es. Hier ist es. Hamas. Ja, geh' weiter, geh' weiter.

I like the taste of children's toast. Put those little beans in my mouth.

San Diego.

Next one, next one.

I always think about that when I see them. Yeah, yeah. Very good.

Sometimes it's better not to prepare.

Ja.

Fucking love you. Thank you.

Ich habe dieses Mädchen in Cleveland getroffen, oder?

Nein, nein, das ist so lustig.

Let's just hide the lighter so I don't have to block the whole episode. Okay. Do you have to block that?

What was that evil laugh?

He wasn't doing that all over the party. He was just doing that around you.

Laughing at your jokes.

And he does whack.

Yet.

Ich musste was essen.

No, what? Some of them kind of ended up being Halloween themed.

No, don't.

Since when? Because last night was a pretty good one.

So good.

No, I'm not.

What happened?

What did it look like after?

Yeah, because you vomited into your carpet.

Ich kommuniziere mit ihr, wenn ich mit dir was mache.

Jesse Plemons.

Yeah.

Right, right.

No, I only get questions about you. How often do you hear people ask you what you do on the show and what your duties are?

Yeah.

He looks good. For what?

All right. Well, this has been fun. Well, I want to I want to ask you a question. You were saying that you were kind of beating around the bush those two bad years, the decline years. Oh, yeah. What was wrong with him in those years? OK, well, your estimation.

We were just, I was just informed we were just canceled.

The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruss. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Thank you.

Jordan, what do you think what you're doing right now is worth monetarily?

Here's your money.

Give me the name.

She is just saying, you've got to let me out. Prosecutors saying it's not the Four Seasons.

We've got everybody. So let's go ahead and jump in.

Hey, good morning.

No. No reason ever. We never had so much as a crossword with each other.

Wild.

So here we go. Let's do a fast meeting. I'm sure you guys have a really busy day.

Her words tell us that she was involved in this killing. Her actions and her words tell us the motives behind this murder.

So I talked to the insurance company. He changed it in March. Probably it was Ned before we got rid of him.

She is just saying, you've got to let me out. Prosecutors saying it's not the Four Seasons.

We've got everybody. So let's go ahead and jump in.

Well, the prosecution and defense both made arguments, and Andrea, things got pretty heated. The defense pushed back on allegations the prosecution made last week, which were that the defense collaborated with two expert witnesses on their testimony and paid them more than $23,000 without disclosing that to the prosecution.

Now, the judge has not yet made a decision on whether or not the defense acted inappropriately, and we'll see what she says after more hearings next week.

Correct. These federal investigations are always wrapped up in mystery, right? The federal authorities, of course, are not commenting, but we believe they were looking into allegations of corruption in local law enforcement. And those allegations provided the context for the defense argument that Karen Reed was framed by corrupt local law enforcement officials.

But it's been widely reported that the investigation is officially over with no charges being filed.

We actually interviewed the lead detective for a previous story.

If you've ever listened to the hit podcast Serial, you know the story of Adnan Syed. He was convicted in 2000 of murdering his high school ex-girlfriend, Haymin Lee, who was found strangled to death in 1999. But Syed has always maintained his innocence, and he and his attorneys have disputed the state's evidence against him. So there's been some back and forth with his conviction?

No, it's been a wild back and forth, a real seesaw. In 2022, his conviction was vacated, but later it was reinstated. And then last August, the Maryland Supreme Court said Syed could have another hearing about vacating his conviction.

But all that came to an end this week when the Baltimore City State's attorney withdrew the motion to vacate, saying it contains false and misleading statements that undermine the integrity of the judicial process. NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt spoke with the prosecutor about the decision.

So what is next for Syed? Well, his chance to have his conviction fully vacated is now gone. But Syed's attorneys filed a motion in December to get his sentence reduced to time served with the period of probation. He's already out of prison, so he'd remain free. There's been no ruling on that yet, but the state's attorney's office says it supports that motion.

Were you able to monitor the conversation or anything that happened inside the patrol vehicle live, like as it occurred?

On Tuesday, the jury found Eric Thompson guilty of second-degree murder and possession of a firearm in connection with the killing of John Tokuhara. Thank you, Sue. So many updates. Appreciate it. Yeah, love being here. Thank you, Andrew.

The extortion plot at the beginning is really a great red herring.

Well, the prosecution and defense both made arguments, and Andrea, things got pretty heated.

Have we talked about this before?

Yeah, Andrew. So the first witness up for the defense team was a neighbor that lived right below his apartment. And she says that at about 2.11 a.m., she was woken up by a scream and then heard some yelling. And it was a female.

The voice that came after the screaming, that was, it kind of sounded like when you're already upset, but you're trying to prove a point.

Yeah. So they went through Jason Chang's phone records and they found that there was no Tinder data at all from November 22nd or from the early days. Morning of November 23rd. So, OK, suddenly the defense's story that Jasmine saw a Tinder message pop up in the middle of the night makes zero sense anymore.

Well, it was less than an hour, and we were back in the courtroom, and they announced that he was found guilty on first-degree premeditated murder and abuse of a corpse.

Yeah. And honestly, I think it was due to the fact that the jury was attentive. They were asking questions.

Yeah, she was sobbing. Jason was wiping his tears away and she just kept repeating. He made a mistake like he knows he made a mistake. He's still young. Please give him a chance to live his life and learn from his mistakes.

I got a dastard.

Fuck yeah, man.

That's ridiculous. It's like full purple lips.

That's really good.

Those daggers also broke, and the victim was still alive.

Yeah.

Same.

Myanmar.

Okay. So here we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Ready? Oh, just brush past it.

Yeah. Right? Like, what do we do? What do we do? Yeah, he feels bad that he beat him.

Okay.

Go Pugs Go.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Right.

Right.

We're telling you right now it's Saturday. They already announced it? Yeah.

It'll be a good game. What are we talking about?

Well, biggest key was just like five seed. Like Ravens, no chance. But I don't know. Just got to not fall apart on offense.

Yes.

And then we've got to pass occasionally.

If they don't let me know, I'm going to quit. He blamed Chicago for his tires.

Yeah, they are. Sixers Twitter has been getting into it because there were rumors a while ago, like back when Ben Simmons was on the Sixers, that Daryl Morey turned down a Tyrese Halliburton. You get in there and you make it about you, Max.

You haven't really thought about him that much before, like, this playoffs.

I mean, Godmode.

I'll just run it back with Cat got me a win last week. I'll run it back with Cat.

Plus 475.

I think I'm up around 1,000. Oh, okay.

Halliburton would be tough. I feel like that's way too. I'm seeing plus 950.

I mean, that's a big difference.

We're all looking at it.

Touch push stays. Yeah. I'm happy about it, I guess. There was a part of me that wanted it to be banned.

So that I could call everyone pussies. Yep. You still can do that. And then we would still just QB sneak, and I wanted it to be the exact same number.

He's absolutely right.

The teenage boy part was, I don't know why you had to include that. Teenage boys are the ones who get wet dreams.

Not only did the Bears vote to ban it.

Ben Johnson. He likes explosive plays.

PFT has been playing this thing that it's like, I don't want to ban. If I could pick, I would choose for it not to be banned. But then he was like, but if it does get banned, that would be cool.

I didn't even know that, by the way. Memes just kept telling me. He's like, are you going to bring up Diana?

That was another thing. The only team that voted for it to stay that is on the Eagles schedule this year is the Lions. Every other team that voted for it to stay is not on the Eagles schedule.

Also, just respect to Dan Campbell. Yeah. Just that, like, everyone, it's like, oh, yeah, only the teams that don't play. And then it's like, no, Dan Campbell's like, this is football.

It was the Hank episode. What happened in the Hank episode? Oh, right.

For fans, I think it's better to have a home playoff game. Especially if you play someone shitty, it's like you just beat up on someone.

Me and memes are struggling to believe that PFT only got a 2.9 at JMU. It's a good school. I feel like you're smart.

I didn't lift my arm yet. I know, but I'm just prefacing how bad this is going to get.

I just saw Big Cat's reaction and he literally started crying.

Why don't we... That's nice.

I was seeing stars. You got to do Hank too.

It smells so bad. I actually just gagged in my mouth.

Go get Hank.

Hank literally just puked. That's what people wonder. Like, actual puke.

I thought about this. I think I would, like, sample cups right next to it, and I think I might have, like, 20 sample cups a day.

We're going to have cones. Sometimes you want, like, a little taste, but I don't want the whole thing, but I'm going to have about 20 little tastes, like, every day.

Hi travel nerds. I have a question for you. So I have a trip coming up to South Africa. I have to pay for that now, which is a pretty substantial chunk of change that I'm going to be putting down on my credit card, which obviously I'll pay off in full. But I'm wondering, should I get another card

for the intro bonus what do you think i'm currently considering up leveling my capital one venture card to potentially the venture x card they got a good intro offer right now what are your thoughts i would love to know thanks

Forget it. We're done. We're toast.

What is that?

You slapped it and said, listen there, no, listen up.

Yeah, exactly.

He's like, nope, hate it, hate it.

Probably.

Yeah.

You did with your hands.

It looks beautiful.

Dude, it's great.

That kind of scared me.

Okay.

Shot down in May.

500.

500!

Here we are.

Sorry.

I do.

Thank you.

From the boat?

Auf Wiedersehen.

to see them when we start

Mm-hmm.

100%.

Sure.

I'd like to make sure.

I'd like to make sure.

Like, my producer really went, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Since I started using Monarch, I'm tracking my spending, actually saving, and yeah, even having money check-ins with my wife and we're looking at each other and we're like, yeah, okay, we're all good. It makes the hard stuff way easier and over a million households use Monarch. It was named the best budgeting app of 2025 by the Wall Street Journal.

So it's not just me hyping up, it's legit, it's real. Real deal Holyfield and get control of all of your finances with Monarch Money. Use code DAN at monarchmoney.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at monarchmoney.com with code DAN.

To be fair, Dan, these are your own words that were posted on the internet.

If the topic was a pool, you did cannonball. Da-da.

I mean, to be fair, I have my own opinions, but I thought you guys handled it very well. So I said, I'll sit this one out. I'll let Tony. Tony's right. Billy's right. You're right. Greg's right. In small parts. I don't think any of us are completely right.

You know, there's a lot of sides to this thing.

I mean, the Dolphins obviously don't want to pay him as much as he wants to get paid. They've had their reservations, which is obvious because of how long this has taken. And Tua rightfully wants to extract as much money out of his career as he can because the window he has to make the amount of money that he could make being an NFL quarterback is very, very small. We all know this.

So I don't blame him for wanting to make more money and thinking his value is higher than what the Dolphins think it is. And this is how negotiations work. Unfortunately, they're very clearly not seeing eye to eye on it. And so that's why I think the Dolphins have botched this from the beginning. They've waited too long and the price has just gone up, like Greg said.

But at the same time, I don't think Tua is wrong for not wanting to budge and sign something that he doesn't think is worth what he's worth a few months ago when The negotiation started. So it's kind of a shit show, to be honest.

Didn't I do a top five list once of like top five ways to detect AI videos after there was some Dabo Sweeney video last year that was viral? That was real. That one was real.

But one of the reasons, if I can, I don't remember everything from the top five, but one of the ways you can tell if it's AI is if the person is saying something that is ridiculous. That is usually the number one tell.

You mean he didn't say his brain was applesauce in real life? That's crazy.

Wait, wait. Was it actually Josh Allen or was it a country singer that looks like Josh Allen?

But I do have an update about Sal Licata. We have awarded him gas bag of the week multiple times.

One was about Grimace getting too much credit about the Mets. Maybe you were afraid of that. Are you afraid of Grimace? Some people do have a fear of Grimace. There was a whole viral trend with milkshakes.

The other one was about Juan Soto looking for walks, I believe.

Not sure where the fear eliciting comes in.

We call it tanking for Tua.

It's not just you. With T-Mobile, everyone can get VIP status. That means access to exclusive events and experiences just for being a customer. At T-Mobile, VIP means Y-O-U. Check out the VIP treatment at T-Mobile.com.

I think if we clip you saying Tua's not good, we will do numbers. Numbers, Dan.

Exactly. If that stuff went out on the air, we wouldn't have a show. I know.

All right, so a couple shows ago – Uh-oh. No, it's good. We were joking about what would we call our gang kind of thing and what would we call – what would be the collective noun of Deloney listeners? So we got a ton of responses from people that had ideas. And I'd forgotten about it. And then over the past couple days at home, going through emails, I was like, what are people coming up?

What is this? And then I remembered. But I picked a winner for what they should be called and what the collective noun would be a group of listeners. I thought this was pretty good. A Deloney groupie would be called the jauntourage. Yes! Isn't that great?

Yeah, this is from Krista in Thompson, Ohio. The Jontaraj, which I thought was brilliant.

Oh my gosh. And then our collective now. Really?

And cough drops. Yeah. That's probably real.

I can't smell, so sure. But did somebody, Stephen from Fowler, California, said that the collective noun for a group of Deloney listeners would be a mosh of Deloney's, which I like that. Because I think that fits you, a mosh.

Yeah. Like you have like a pack or a herd or.

We got a mosh.

I mean, okay. It's growing on me. Like, cause it's a mosh pit. It's a mosh of listeners.

Yeah. All right, so before we wrap up the show, I have something I want to read. It's going to make you a little uncomfortable, but you're going to have to sit there and listen to it.

Dear John and crew, on a recent call, you encouraged the wife of a man who was suffering from PTSD due to horrendous childhood trauma that occurred in a terrorist-run country. As a nurse who lives and volunteers among refugees for a similar sociocultural background, I was so moved by your response. You gave words to indescribable grief, both hers and his.

The daily complicated trauma within this small, hidden sector of society often goes unnoticed, misunderstood, and unaddressed. Thank you for taking the time to highlight their hurt and offer true hope with practical advice. You not only help individuals on your show, you also equip friends, family, and neighbors to step up and speak lives into others' lives.

God bless you and your team for all of you do it really does make an impact.

This is Betsy from Boise, Idaho.

Yeah. The Jonathan thing isn't true.

That he didn't rest the stage. Oh, that's fake? While I'm looking for this thing, I found the story saying that they had to debunk it every few years because it kind of comes back up.

You get the story? Yeah, but I'm making sure it's accurate because that was going around in 2022 and then more recently there was a documentary made and someone hired someone to look into all of this stuff and that's what I was just reading through to see what they found. Because they might have found something that says that there is some sort of link.

Yeah, her sisters were saying she was a frog.

I'm trying. It's covered by it.

This is newer. This is 11 days old. It says it was posted by OpenAI. Jesus Christ, man. They're all looking at a UFO.

In which country?

I think they brought the practice over from England because it says it started in England in the 1600s. Right, right.

It sounds like they grabbed it from lakes here.

Yeah. Since it was a major part of the early economy in New England and the United States, we saw fortunes made by people who transported ice and straw pack ships to the southern states and throughout the Caribbean.

I guess, yeah. You just get it from Canada.

Yeah.

This is from the 70s, but this just says ice extraction.

Yeah.

That's why I asked which country because this goes back further than England. It goes all the way back to, yeah, same time.

Wow. Alexander the Great stored snow in pits that they dug for that purpose. Wow. Imported it from the mountains.

This looks like Central Park or something close to it. It says it was the first one in the United States, the first ice pit.

No shit. This is an antelope. It's the closest living relative to a giraffe.

Yeah, but that's not what you sent me. So the wrong link got copied. No way. You sent me the football video. Step Sister?

I must have accidentally sent it to somebody else. What is it called? North Korean guy that picks up salads?

Mongolia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do it in like 10 seconds. Uh-huh. It's happening all over the country. It's been happening for a few years.

I was looking. Someone looked into what this was, and there's a lot of stories on what it may have been. I'm not really sure what the answer was.

It started off that it was only found during Q1, Q3 or something earlier in the year.

Maybe they can do that. Well, they know... What does it say? The story says that potentially could have been avoided if the ship had been, I don't want to say treated or cared for correctly, because they knew that a storm was coming and they didn't do some things they should have done, including button down all the hatches, lift up the anchor, and a few other things were on the list I saw.

So they're like, there's an investigation going in. They might have... Interesting. Manslaughter charges or something.

They could have survived that storm if those things were done.

I'm trying to promote a conspiracy theory over here.

How are you going to do that? Saying this is just a crazy weather event that happened with, like, a low-pressure system not moving right. They had forecasted that it was going to happen. Did they do any cloud seeding, though? There's reports that cloud seeding may have had the thing, but the BBC says they're unable to independently identify whether cloud seeding took place.

I don't want to cut the story. Sorry.

There was a story about a monument between the Texas State Capitol Building and the State Supreme Court Building. Oh, it's just a monument?

Do you know how long they're supposed to be there for?

Eight days.

This is no fewer than 240. The Starliner will amount to no fewer than 240 consecutive days.

Third ride is wisdom. They just can't safely take it back. Why? The helium leaks in several issues with smaller thrusters. It's been docked with the space station. So like earlier this week they announced that it will undock without a crew in early September and come back to Earth while they wait for their ride sometime in 2025.

Would you want to not just get on the thing and go with it?

You're left in space.

I don't know. Oh, you might take a chance. What if you're almost out of food?

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Right.

Hey, how's it going? Thanks for coming in. My pleasure.

I ended up taking them. I was a...

Oof.

Yeah.

Yeah, kind of crazy.

Mm-hmm.

Put that back up, Jimmy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely. I loved it. I enjoyed it.

Oh, my Lord. Yeah, there he is. Oh, look at that.

A Darwinian thing.

Yes.

I'll take that too. Something like that. Thank you, Jamie.

Oh, wow, there you go. Oh, that's so... Oh, my God. There it is.

Yeah.

Jamie's the best. How did you not know? How long have I been talking?

Whatever.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

Hey there, first-time caller, long-time listener, this is Edgar Wright ringing in from London. I have been absolutely loving the podcast. Ooh, I'm familiar. Even the adverts. I've had real affection for everything you guys have done in the last, what, 20 years? Oh, that's crazy. Okay, the 20 years. So I guess... I was in the house for the first ever digital short, Lettuce.

It's the first time I ever saw Saturday Night Live being recorded. I was in town for the King Kong premiere, not that I had anything to do with that movie, and me and my girlfriend at the time were invited to SNL through Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. So I remember being in the house. It was Dane Cook and James Blunt. What a combo.

And I remember seeing Lettuce and I remember talking to you, Akiva, at the party. I'm pretty sure I met Andy and Yorma as well, but I definitely remember talking to you, Akiva, and I spoke to Bill Hader as well. But I remember complimenting you on Lettuce and you were very modest about it. Little did you know that only two weeks later, your world would blow up with Lazy Sunday.

And, you know, I've been a fan ever since, as you well know, because I text you guys about it all the time. and uh love hot rod love pop star never stop never stopping um but the reason you asked me to send a voice note is because in 2009 when incredibad came out i listened to that album so many times i had it on cd and i was shooting scott pilgrim in toronto or toronto as the canadians say

And it was the CD that was in the car. And me and my assistant at the time, Leo, used to drive to work, which was like a 10-minute drive. And so we would listen to basically the same couple of tracks from Incredibad all the time. But we always, always listened to Punch You in the Jeans.

And so it became like a bit of a talisman or something or a security blanket on the way to work of listening to Punch You in the Jeans. So I don't know how many times I've heard it. My iTunes, which is still on my laptop, tells me of all the Lonely Island songs I've listened to Punch You in the Jeans. 42 times.

Now this hyper fixation might be undiagnosed ADHD, but I don't know why I'm so obsessed by that song. I think it just, it is incredibly silly and it's got a nice groove to it. I like Andy and Yorma rapping. Thank you. And some of the rhymes are particularly silly. I like that it kind of is gene-centric and then some of the rhymes have nothing to do with genes. I don't know.

I'm just looking at the lyrics now. I mean, going to be those genes, going to dip them in slime, turn your 501s into 499s. Anyway, I've listened to Punch You in the Jeans many, many times. I think you guys were very excited when you eventually did a sequel to the song called We Don't Give a Honk. We're really excited to tell me that there was a sequel to Punch You in the Jeans.

But I do really love the song and I love you guys and your podcast is a total joy. It's really nice to just hear about the shows. I was actually also one of the other shows that I was in attendance for. was the Strike episode with Michael Cera hosting at UCB. Maybe it was around Thanksgiving 2007. I was very lucky to be in the house for that as well.

Anyway, it's really beautiful hearing all your stories and hearing all of the memories. And I love the fact that you guys are still going strong. I honestly think... If we're talking Criterion Collection, just to kind of jump in on that conversation, I would say Sushi Glory Hole has got to be in there. A fantastic song, brilliant video. Bam. So that would get my vote as an eventual Criterion pick.

Anyway, I'll stop waffling now. I love you all. Bye.

But.

So three-legger here. We've got Alexander Saar. Saar. 15 points or more.

It's like, but I kind of do. I kind of do. Like, don't watch it. You're just going to get mad, right? It's like, yeah, but sometimes I like getting mad. And so I watched it. And mad I did get.

We had a lawyer on the bonus.

Hey, guys.

If he's terrible. Right.

I mean, somebody's going to tell on you, though. Hard to keep that out of the wraps. Yeah. Is there one friend you could trust?

I don't know. Okay. Maybe a quick, maybe a quick, That was my fault. That was my fault.

Ooh. Elite Eight, no headphones.

Yeah. Is Ron Chernow the number one guy? I'd be like, can't. The number one human.

That might make you cry. You were gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

No way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you grab the legs, put its belly on the ground, and then put your other hand under its belly.

Okay, and you set it down.

Just, hi people. What's he doing?

Not really. I'm just shy. Do you think, are turkeys shy too? Sort of. Depends on what you do to them. For the most part, I think they are not very shy. If you just stand there, they want to go see, who is this, who is this? They're only shy if, probably if you're trying to catch one.

You're like a feety kid, aren't you? I guess.

Yeah.

The icebergs are melting.

Where does she live?

It's good to see you.

You will not hurt the... Fuck, what is it?

Really?

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it didn't happen to me.

Yeah.

This is the worst interview I've ever been on.

No.

Yeah.

It might be a country.

Yeah.

Oh, that's true, huh?

Imagine having an opportunity to go see Metallica and choosing to go see you.

Oh, yeah. Ireland.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you can tell.

4011.

Yeah.

Where?

Yeah.

Like, what happened?

That's a long time. Bro.

Yeah.

Okay.

They're killing our baby bears.

Donde esta mi huevos?

Yeah.

No.

We never followed through on shit.

He'll be like, oh, Sherman laid his foot. Dang, bro.

It's the wrong one, Riley.

Yeah.

Okay.

I saw the one we had was expired, so I went into the nipple.

Yeah, you're doing a lot of – yeah.

I'm sorry.

Oh, classy. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I could have had it worse.

Oh, wow.

Hey, how was your holiday?

That's kind of fucked up. Yeah. When does that start happening?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Yes, Papa. I know.

Watch it while he goes. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah.

But it is what it is.

That's fucking awesome.

Oh, this is a historic artifact.

Oh, there it is.

Damn. Sounds like a Tuesday.

Be my guest.

There's a lot of people that's definitely going to miss it, no doubt about it.

Right back at you.

The guy's just eating like, will you fucking join me? Oh my God.

Oh, sick.

Really?

Yeah, it's great.

You were looking for Al Borland?

David, can you pull your mic up closer?

450?

The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get their version of Morning Wood. Okay, listen.

Oh, God.

100%.

Yeah.

Got it.

Ja.

Wow.

Wie ein Bär, ein kleines Bärhaus oder so.

Oh, ja, ja.

Und du denkst dir, was ist das?

Play a bit of it there. In Japan, even walking generates electricity. Tokyo Metro.

The trains are powered. Look at that.

My hearing is kind of sensitive today, too. Yeah, I don't know why. I think I'm just tired. So working downtown, I got a call once. So you guys walk the beat down there?

Yeah.

Okay. And on domestics, you mean by domestic violence, domestic violence. And there was a recall. You said it's a recall.

I'm trying to work back with you, dude.

Police Managers Supervisors Association Las Vegas Metro badge, huh? Now open it up. Okay.

Ooh, gang boy. Commemorative only, thank God. Yeah, so you don't go out and start jacking people.

You're a good dude, man. Well, thanks, Chris, man. I appreciate you saying that. Dude, that's awesome. Yeah, because we need some nice- You got to put it back in the thing. in order to hold it in there.

I mean, it's just, it's really bad business. I mean, I was wondering if there's a term for that.

Yeah.

You've been a sergeant. Yes.

Yeah, take me through a scenario like that.

You can ask me three questions to get some information to get started. About the case? Yep. Okay. Is it based on the Brady Bunch at all, a little bit? I used that because I knew I'd remember those names.

Okay. You're the primary. Has Mike ever committed any priors? No. Prior crimes with young women? Prior, like, assault charges?

How tall is he? Interesting question. He's six foot even. Okay.

I think you're probably going to have to answer some questions, you know, but...

Yeah. Okay. How do you feel? How do you think you did? Was that intense?

And the crazy thing is, you know, who hears us the most us. Yes.

Let's try it. Okay. So if you, so how do we do it?

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

Wait.

Oh my God.

There's rocks in my yard? Thank you, Lauren. Wait, is it rocks in your yard or my yard?

They're just like looking at hunks. Funny because we have done that.

I'm getting comfy. Sorry, we don't have an ottoman for you.

I forgot. Oh!

For sure.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

No. Get fucked.

Well, he's not wearing shoes.

Yeah.

um i personally like my job and therefore i refuse to speak on this he clearly says what's up everybody no shut up you know we didn't do take an anonymous vote because these people are scared of you oh bullshit what's everybody it's charles that's what it sounds like to me hey everybody it's charles yeah what's everybody yeah that's that's terrible it's what's everybody

Yeah. Enunciate. Oh, shush. You're an actor. You're doing stuff in showbiz.

You've got to enunciate.

And I just, for the record, you waited a long time before you intervened with my choking episode. And I'm getting angry thinking about it even. Yeah, good. I was already.

I wish you'd... Wish what, Tom?

You know what? What? I think it's a perfect time to give you my Christmas gift. It is the Christmas episode.

it's like you and the kids playing playstation i hear you guys downstairs merry christmas i loved it i know and we love i love so funny you hit a bat yeah and you know someone like that you keep saying oh no you're not that battle comes swinging at you oh for sure that's the danger of playing with you know you know not a lot of impulse control No, in any direction. Sexual, eating.

If it were in fashion right now, I'd say keep it because I do enjoy it on your face.

Fighting. Swinging a bat.

But that's why I like, I mean, I've said this before publicly. There is a chain of stores here in Austin, Texas. And they, I think, exclusively employ. Downs.

and people who are challenged and i take our kids there just to experience that just to be like hey there's different types of people and i love that they employ those folks you know and because that's what we used to do in the 80s you would go and you would at gelson's the bagger would be special needs or something and it was way more normal it felt way more normal and

It's not in fashion right now. You can't do it. You can bring it back.

to be like here's mikey mikey and then they always want to help you to your car it's really sweet it's very sweet no mikey's my favorite yeah and i tip him like i give him like ten dollars and it's like it's the most amount of money that's great for him and he loves it okay that's good that's good it's really nice of you i'm serious you ever give it down syndrome kids ten dollars i've never done giving them a million dollars okay so what's the um gift that you have

Oh, I forgot. I got so excited thinking about Mikey.

Okay. It's in the folder there, right, Josh? No, hold on. Hold on. I really want you to prepare yourself and ground yourself. Oh, shit. Take your shoes off. Go outside. Walk in the grass. Really feel the earth. Okay. Feel my love for you. Okay.