Rachel Koster

Mr. Goolsbee, I'm sorry, I'm sure you're tired of people asking this, but just in light of the tariffs and everything that's happened this week, should I buy or sell my Beanie Babies?

Please say bye. It's all about the price. What can you get for them? Exactly. Well, it's also an emotional commitment.

Rats? No, bigger. Oh, God. Bigger than a rat? Smaller than a dandruff?

And now a bunch of fat, hairy, gay guys are like, hey, Italy it is! There you go!

There's that rhyme about the bears. Like, if it's black, fight back. If it's brown, lie down. So then, like, if it's Italian... You're stallion.

Brown bears are really respectful of rats.

They come over and they're like, here's an eye patch.

I visited a tiger sanctuary in Indiana once, and when you throw them a pumpkin, they eat them in like one bite. It was pretty satisfying. So that was like emotional support. It's like cracking your knuckles. It's something satisfying to watch. Times seven. I'm on his side. I'm sorry.

I'm old enough to remember when gay people had taste.

I will happily come to your coffee shop and bully your gay barista co-worker. Thank you.

A whole bunch.

I was waiting in TSA for 25 minutes today on the way here. Yeah. And so I started making small talk with some gentlemen with me. And the guy in front of me was like, oh, yeah, I work in finance. And I was like, oh, quite a week. And he went, well, when people buy or people sell, I still get a commission. And I was like, oh, my God, there's someone I can hate more than the TSA right now.

There you go. That's hilarious.

I think you've never met my aunt. She would go absolutely broke buying your pink cat food.

Yeah, exactly. I'll tell you what.

Well, hopefully we can learn our lesson and eat these new dire wolves.

You think boys are a good source of information?

Girl, we know different boys.

I don't mean to take air out of this, but like, is this, I mean, when I was waiting tables once, I went on a date with a customer I didn't like because I knew he had a hot tub. I mean, what's the difference here, you know? It all comes out in the wash in the end, right? Exactly. Exactly.

Thank you.

I don't know if that wasn't the result. It's Talenti? Absolutely. No, not Sherbert. You can get the same boost of being married as having a pet?

All right.

I mean, I've let my cat do my taxes for the last 10 years.

Boomers traded baseball cards. Millennials traded Pokemon cards. Gen Z traded their childhoods for a lifetime spent on algorithmically driven social media platforms. But Gen Alpha has a new hobby, trading OG-san cards. What are OG-san cards? Why, they're trading cards featuring middle-aged men.

Eddie Miyahara, the Secretary General of the Sidosho Community Council, was looking for a way to bridge the town's generation gap. The obvious solution? Create trading cards featuring local men. Incredibly, it worked. The Sidosho Community Council just can't meet the demand of local youth eager to trade Mr. Honda, a 74-year-old fire chief, for Mr. Takashita, an 80-year-old soba noodle maker.

The most coveted card is Mr. Fuji, a 68-year-old former prison guard who has become so popular that local children are asking him for his autograph. As of now, there are no plans to expand the trading card game to include the town's middle-aged women, presumably because no female in Sidosho, or the world, would want to be involved in something this stupid.

Merriment came to a halt on Christmas morning when the champion of a local Welsh food competition was caught cheating. The cheers were deafening when preschool teacher Bethan Hughes broke the 10-minute world record by eating 72 pickled cockles, which are small mullets that, I'm sorry to say, look like baby birds' heads.

The audience showered Bethan with roses while she took the stage to receive her gift card to Tesco's worth 20 pounds. LAUGHTER The celebration was interrupted, however, when the beloved stray tomcat of the town, Mr. Jellybeans, leapt to the stage and began pawing at Bethan's sleeve. It was clear something was really wrong, said a police officer.

Mr. Jellybeans does not like drama, so this had to be big. Sure enough, with one tug, a funnel tumbled out from Bethan's sleeve with the shellfish with it. The audience gasped and Bethan shrieked, come on guys, no one really likes cockles, which was drowned out by booing. Some people are just plain bad, wept the mayor. Mr. Jelly Beans has been gifted a key to the city.

Hi, it's an absolute pleasure.

Me too. I used to be a barista, and we found out that somebody wasn't cleaning the espresso machine at the end of the day.

And it turned out that it was me, and I just had no idea that that was part of my job. Because the person who taught me was getting paid $14 an hour, so it wasn't really in her best interest to go above and beyond. And I never really asked, so people were getting really scudsy espressos for like months. My bad.

Um, the snacks that you get on the plane.

How many times you go to the bathroom.

Midair. How much you talk. No. How much you cry. If you need a blanket.

For me, they know to put me between two tennis stars. Two boy tennis stars. I watched Challengers maybe 14 times on the way here. It's a two-hour flight. I went really fast.

I went on vacation one time to Iceland, and I think if we're going to go for something awesome, that's the place to go. They had a lot of little chubby horses and a place that only had white Russians. If we're going to go for something far away but close enough, that's the one to do.

Are they teaching pranks too, I feel like?

Yeah, teach kids that refrigerators are running.

And to ask about it so they can look out for their fellow man. Or how to make a Chinese order, pretending that you're like British or something so it's not so scary.

That was what I did when I was a little kid.

You were put on the phone to make a Chinese order when you were a child. When I would order Chinese food as a child, I would pretend that I was British because it made it less scary because when I'm me, it's vulnerable. When I'm British, I'm glamorous. And no one's going to say no to me about mooshu pork.

Hello. I'm 30 years old. And I would love to get Mapo Tofu. Definitely always start an order with your age. Darling, extra cookies for my daughter.

Coffee.

Golden Globes.

In order to watch the YouTube video of the subway taker next to you's phone, you'll have to give them a fiver.

Pick a side.

How did it get there? Not really quotable.

puts the lotion in the basket.

I'm going to go put myself down like a dog now. That is a medical term, going rancid from something.

It's Slavin's paw, by the way. It is real.

You know how many children you're hurting right now?

Yes, yes.

That's such a good, that's a very honest and accurate description. Yeah, she's very lovely and warm, but she'll get into it.

I've never seen her clutch her pearls before.

Thank you. Thank you for having me, Tommy. Hi, Rachel.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Multiple little boys. Incredible. Yeah. He was really into rose quartz. And they laughed right away.

I will say that Tom's been extremely inappropriate. Sage, yeah. I didn't feel safe. He was just, yeah.

I know. This is like everything my husband screams about when he's drunk. Like every libertarian guy. I'm like, now I have to f***ing understand it. Every time he's drunk, he's like, you don't respect George Washington. I'm like, not really, but he's not the reason you can't drive right now. Yeah.

It's basically when you're not sober and you're lying about being sober.

Community is a little confusing. Yeah.

And it's not just Tamps, Tommy. No. We're giving each other sponge baths in there.

Yeah, I heard that too.

Now I'm going to have to learn more outlander words. I'm just so annoyed about that. I feel like tariff just sounds like something you have to give a troll to cross a bridge or something.

That was impressive.

Guantanamo Bay.

You know, sometimes when I do trivia, my mind just closes like a box. Can you just give me the answer? You're right.

Well, it's not bones.

As a judge.

Refrigerator?

Wait, how can this be?

Oh.

Yeah, sure does. Depends how hot the reporter is talking about it.

Well, she was tiny, so I guess like, I don't know, dancing on bars or like jigs or something.

I feel like if the newscaster looks like she would give you bottle service in Tampa, then you can't always trust the news.

His last name is Looney? No. I know, Martin Looney just seems like a pretend name. Like a wacky 80s movie of a guy that owns a toy store.

Yes.

On one hand, I was thinking like this maybe shouldn't be what the congressmen are working on right now. Like I was like, is this what they should be? It's the only thing they can do.

That's true.

It's like, oh, how can we get the people happy about one thing? I appreciate that padding because it's just like 30 minutes. I don't have to feel ashamed for being on my phone, you know, like out of the day. And also, I feel like the person that wants to, like, they want that extra 30 minutes, like, I don't know, I feel like they're just, like, maybe in a happier marriage or something.

I love 30 minutes in the dark is all I want at the end of the day, yeah.

Also, we don't know what was going on in her life.

With a woman? Oh, I'm supposed to actually know the answer to this? Yeah.

Okay, give me a hint.

Oh, she ate it.

She ate the ring. Very good. Oh, dear. My stars. Good job.

Such a deep pig that she just had to stuff herself first. Here's the thing.

You're right. There you go.

I do feel like we need to know what dish she put it in.

Oh, yeah, this is true. This is a prodigious orchestra in Warsaw, Poland, the renowned musician Gustaw Slawin. You guys know his work. He was playing his organ for the St. Paddy's Day Waltz when he all of a sudden noticed that his hands had turned a rather sickly puke-colored green. That's right, his poor mitts had turned green. Basically, what he had was called organ's paw.