Raina Cohen

And even for people whose lives don't take a turn that maybe they wouldn't have chosen, really benefit from having deep friendships because it means that they have more than one

person in their life who can unlock a different side of them.

I mean, I think about one of my friends who I'm just constantly laughing around.

And I had had her and another friend, like hang out.

And I realized that one of my friends who brings up this really contemplative side of me, and probably never seen me laugh as much as I had then.

So I think also being open to the idea that you're going to have more than one really significant relationship in your life,

It means that you have people who help you figure out the fuller, well-rounded version of yourself.

Well, one way to answer that is to think about what are the ingredients of a thriving friendship.

I mean, individual friendships, and this probably also applies to community.

And a researcher I talked to from the University of Utah said that the three magic ingredients of, she was talking about attachments, so like any kind of close relationship, were time, togetherness, and touch.

So if we work backwards from there, it's like, how much time are we able to spend with other people?

Well, if we live far from our friends or potential friends, if the priority we have is having a house that we can keep to ourselves or there are problems with affordability, for instance, when we're trying to figure out where to live, that's going to reduce the amount of time we have.

Same thing for working all the time.

Togetherness is also about just sharing life together.

And if the way that we are maybe inclined to spend time together, because this is what's normal, is to go get coffee or do an activity and not just let people into our everyday lives, because that would be like going and doing errands, for instance, because that would be boring or not appropriate, that also can be a barrier.

And as well as if you think you're supposed to be kind of doing any activity of significance with a romantic partner as opposed to a friend, that can be difficult for friendship.

And then the third thing would be is touch.

You know, there's certainly

norms that we have around how close you can get to your friends.

As I mentioned before, I think straight men really bear the brunt of this, that this is why you see the side hugs and as opposed to like a full-on hug or, you know, see handshakes or one man I interviewed said that his