Reema Khrais
Appearances
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
I think oftentimes when people are talking about money, they're not really talking about that. They're getting at what it represents to them, their underlying desires and fears. Like, what they might be really craving is a sense of safety or a sense of belonging or a feeling of worthiness.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And I think, again, a lot of that can go back to your childhood, you know, maybe watching your parents argue over the bills. You learned to equate financial stability with calmness and peace. Or maybe in your household, you absorbed early messages connecting financial success with worthiness.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And so a partner's financial stability might feel like a form of validation, something that can protect you from feeling inadequate or unlovable. In general, when you're dating on some level, consciously, subconsciously, I do think we are searching for partners who can help repair some emotional wounds.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Still got to pay the bills. Yeah.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
That's so real.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
I love how romantic this conversation sounds. We're like, our lives, get your future stocks.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
It was so fun.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Thanks for having me.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
On the first date, yes. Yes. I generally feel like more salary transparency is good, and if we just made it less of a weird thing to talk about, then that would be good for everyone.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Yeah. I mean, those are tough questions to answer. But I agree. It's so important to have those conversations early on. I've had so many, interviewed so many people over the years who delayed having those conversations and led to financial infidelity, right? Like cheating, financial cheating on someone, basically hiding your debt and your accounts from your partner.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Taking a step back, it does take a while, I think, to understand people's relationship with money. And it's a challenge because oftentimes I think they don't quite know themselves. I think that's because so much of it is driven by our unconscious beliefs about messages that we internalize and inherited when we were younger. I love the work of Brad Klontz.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
He's a financial therapist, and he breaks it down into four core money beliefs. So he says there are people who are money avoidant, money worshipers, money status, and money vigilance.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
There is a quiz, actually.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And so, briefly, money avoiders are what they sound like. They try to not think about money. They're the people in your life who might ignore financial statements, more likely to overspend. They might also think that they don't deserve money or that money leads to greed and corruption. So they're more likely to sabotage their finances. Money vigilant people are... vigilant, right?
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
They're concerned with their financial health. They might like a good bargain. They tend to be somewhat more anxious about their future, which pushes them to save. Money worshipers, they think that money will ultimately make them happy. It is the solution to all their problems. And they're more likely to put their career ahead of things like, you know, family and friends.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And then money status seekers, they are folks who are more likely to link their self-worth to how much they make, and they tend to value outward displays of wealth, which can lead to overspending. And so they may have come from a household where money was tight, but they valued people with money and saw them as worthy, right? And so those are very crude buckets.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And obviously, you can identify with more than one of those. But I think it's such a helpful framework to prompt you to think more critically about your own money beliefs and who you might be more aligned with. And then, you know, hopefully that can make you feel more curious about your date's financial behaviors and attitudes and where they come from and how they show up.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
You got to manipulate on the first date.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Yeah, I don't find it so surprising that people have this preference. I do think it's interesting that people are talking about it more openly. I think a lot of that has to do with the messaging that people are exposed to online. I think it normalizes that desire in a way that... Makes it easier to say out loud.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
But, you know, I think as long as we live in a patriarchal society that glamorizes consumption and wealth and a society where homeownership continues to feel out of reach and young people are increasingly burdened with student debt, then you're always going to find some people who gravitate towards the idea of dating up or marrying rich.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And of course, that preference might guide people to different degrees in the same way that you might prefer someone who's tall or someone who appreciates nature. It doesn't mean that you're immediately going to disqualify a potential partner if they don't have that quality. But it does seem to be something that I think people are increasingly considering, given just our economic realities.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
That's interesting.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Yeah. I mean, I think going back to what I said, I'm sure, of course, social media plays a role here. Right. And I'm sure y'all have like covered this on the show, the trad, the trad life. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Subculture of young influencers, like teaching their followers the benefits of marrying rich and how to like live a soft life.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
But without getting deep into that trend, which has gotten plenty of pushback, I do think it speaks to some larger ideas and anxieties. I think a lot of people, especially those looking for heterosexual relationships, they're just tired. I mean, I think they're disillusioned by the dating scene, truly by the dating apps and all the decision fatigue and the situationships that come along with that.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And so I think on social media, you hear a lot of people talking about knowing your worth, you know, being unapologetic about what you want in a relationship.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
And so I think there's that. That's like one reason, I imagine. And then also, you know, I think women now account for more than half of the college-educated labor force. And so I can imagine increasingly for some women, they're looking for partners who can, you know, match their educational achievements and where they are in life. There's that reality. We all know the gender pay gap.
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"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
It makes sense, again, that a lot of these social and economic realities would prompt some younger women, I think, to reevaluate how they want to organize their lives and what they want in a relationship.
It's Been a Minute
"Is it OK to ask about salary on the first date?" How to marry romance and finance
Full life.