Rich Vos

Yeah.

But we had him on our show, Would You Bang Him? Me and Bonnie do the show. You know the show we do? No. What we do is Bonnie and I host it. And we have like five comics, and they do like eight or ten minutes apiece. Then we have three female judges and a gay judge. And after the set, they discuss whether they would fuck him or not. Oh, interesting. And the gay judge is always the funniest.

He's always the funniest. But some of these female judges are so funny, you know. So he came out, we did it a couple, we do it at a lot of festivals, and we did it in New York, and Josh Adam Myers came out, and he sang the whole time, just fucking... All over the stage, I'm going, he's got to close every show in the comedy club because nobody's following that. Right, right.

There's no way at the cellar that you're going to go up after that. Yeah. And what he does is great. What he does is, you know.

Oh, yeah. Fucking guitar. I worked Vegas once following a guy with a guitar. And he's fucking closing with Springsteen and a bandana on his head. I'm going, what the fuck?

Well, some of them got older and went to cruise ships that do guitar.

No impressionist either. Very few. That do impressions. Yeah, very few. And everyone that they would turn around, fix their hair, and then do their impression. They always turned around. Right, right, right. Imagine if Jack Nicholson... I'd be scared to turn around and the audience left. But they turn around. There was so many. Jeff DeHart, he did Rod Sterling perfectly.

Yeah, Danny Stone, Randy Credico, who was- Very lefty.

Yeah, yeah. He's like the only one. You don't really see him in, I don't know if he's still in clubs. He does a lot.

Yeah, he was on the Virus Tour on the Opie and Anthony Tour.

Yeah. Oh, you did the Virus Tour. Yeah, I did one of them. I hosted every show. Yeah, I did one of them in Vegas. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the Vegas one. That was like the last time I saw Patrice. Wow. Yeah. We're doing the benefit. We do it. I host it every year, and Billy closes it. We're doing it, I think, in May this year.

Oh, that's sold out. Let's go. First, these are dollar store glasses, okay? Why do you buy them at the dollar store? Because my good ones are at the hotel. I don't want to lose them. Oh, you don't want to waste them. I don't want to lose them. Yeah, I mean... I would have wanted to go once on Theo's podcast.

250.

listen to me so it's already sold out so people can't buy tickets i'm sure it sells out every it is beautiful that you guys do that every year the patrice benefit yeah it's very cool you talk about a guy that like touched so many people because he was so brilliant why how could it be on a sunday the patrice space says may 18th in my calendar maybe because billy's doing a 12 Angry Men.

He's playing every fucking character. No, he's in Gary Glenn Ross. Oh, is he? Yeah, him and Oden Kirk. Is he Coffey's foreclosers? Is he that guy? I don't know. Go see it. I'd rather fucking walk through Lebanon wearing a fucking yarmulke to go see that fucking angry hack. Fuck off, Billy. Shut the fuck up. Send me your stupid pro-Palestinian bullshit. Shut up.

Oh, does he have a lot of pro-Palestinian stuff? Oh, we fight all the time online. He sends it to you? Well, on text. Really?

Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

Yeah. But I'm, you know, look, I'm friends with him for years. Of course. I mean, forever. Yeah. Fucking Billy, you know, fucking.

Any of my friends that are like that, I'm still friends with them. I don't agree with a lot of the shit, and they're stupid. Yeah, exactly. One or two people I think say really vile stuff, and I just mute them. I don't deal with them. They're not friend friends. Right. I mean, shit, me and Norton don't agree on everything. How can you? How can you agree on everything?

His wife is so much hotter than my wife. No! She's got a better dick. She was the best man at his wedding. Fucking Norton is so quick and funny. He was the best man at my wedding. He's so fucking funny.

Oh, my God. He's one of the best guests. I mean, you know who else is fucking? Colin is so funny. He's so quick.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Mark in Rochester. To me, James in Governors. The comedy connection in Rhode Island is weird because you're in a bank. I know. It's so strange. They turn a bank into a comedy club. That's how bad the market's doing. Well, that was in the 80s he did that. That was when I was a kid.

Yeah.

Well, he shows one of my videos now is up to almost 5 million views. Is that good?

That's good. It's really funny.

I believe you're funny.

June, I think, 27th, 28th, and 28th. I do it every week on my birthday.

Yeah.

I do have a special on Amazon called Rich Voss Anonymous. It's pretty funny. Why is it called Anonymous? Because I taped it at an NA convention. Oh, that's hilarious. And the backdrop, Bonnie directed the beginning. The backdrop is fucking so cool.

You look good there. Where's your trailer?

Can you play the trailer? No, we're not going to play a trailer. Okay, good. We're going to leave.

This, I've done this podcast three times, and this is the most fun I had. It was fun. It was fun.

I had a good time.

So what am I going to do about this thing tomorrow?

This was fun. Thank you for having me.

And I'm not bad-mouthing her, Wendy. I don't know her like this. So I worked a club twice, and the second time I worked there was Halloween weekend. I mean, there was a guy in the audience in blackface, whatever. Really? This was, I don't know, 10, 15 years ago. 10, 15 years ago? 10 years ago. But wait a second. So she... She wasn't even there the week. Okay.

I'm such a mooch. On one year of my wife's birthday, I bought myself a new car on her birthday. I bought a BMW on her birthday. Happy birthday. We could drive around in this. Oh, my God. That probably played off well. Ah, fuck. I buy her cars. So, you know... I get bored easy. I get bored easy. And it's because of, you know, in life...

She tells my manager, I did a lot of crowd work, whatever. So anyhow, I'm working at Syracuse Funny Bone. And my middle, very funny guy. I think he passed away. He was an older guy. Really great joke writer. He's from Denver. He goes, oh, I do a podcast with Wendy. And he sees that I'm closing and he goes, I'll talk to her. So I email Wendy. And I go, hey, listen, why don't we start from scratch?

Let bygones be bygones. Start over, whatever. You know, I'd love to come back in. And she doesn't get back to me. So I write, by your lack of response, it looks like you want to move forward. Here are some available dates. Right? And she doesn't get back to me again. Shocker. And I write, can I bring my own middle? Yeah. What do I care? It's funny. I'm trying to be funny.

So she was just upset that you did crowd work? That's it? The numbers were low, probably. It was Halloween weekend. But listen, I work enough. I'm not bad-mouthing any of these people, because you're the one who looks bad. I'm not bad-mouthing them. She's got a business to run, whatever she's got to do, just like any of them. They have a business to run.

If this is who they're going to bring in to keep their doors open, I'll always find fucking work. I don't care. You know what I'm saying? Yes. So and industry wise, I mean, now it's a whole look. My wife is killing it because she's a writer and a comic. And, you know, she's writing movies. She's punching up movies. She wrote for the Golden Globes. You know, she has different outlets.

No, no, that's cool.

God, when I quit cigarettes, I quit cigars because I was scared I was going to start smoking. You probably would. I probably would because it would lead, you know.

Yeah. You don't want to inhale it. That's why, you know, I can't even put a dick in my mouth because I'm scared. I understand. You know that. So. You know, she has different outlets as a stand-up. I'm just a stand-up. I'm a club comic. You know, I do theaters, I do whatever, but I love doing... I really like doing clubs.

I don't think there is a problem, but I said just one more thing to put it over the top. Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. One more...

Well, that's a good point, yes. I'm an addict, you know, so look, here's my fucking, here's how fucked up I am. How fucked up are you? I'm going to tell you right now, Sam. Because you glitter in diamonds. And this is not in the... In the morning I drink my coffee, I sit at the table. Sounds like me.

And I put a bird feeder and I watch the birds feed and it's very relaxing watching them all come and feed. Very relaxing. Now I have seven bird feeders around my property. Because I figured, well, this will be seven times more relaxing watching birds. No, now you got bird chaos. No, but they're all over. I mean, I got ones that I, with a video camera, I could see who's coming to squirrel.

I don't care if the squirrel eats the, you know, but it's my addictive personality. Right. Where. You always want more. A little more. Yeah. Just a little more. A little more. Different color. Same color. Yeah. One more ring. One more ring. One more tattoo. I took two off. Yeah. You know, so it's... And I work on myself. I go to meetings two, three a week.

You know, I... Still after all these years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you still feel the pull after all these years? No, I haven't got gambling to fall back on.

In life, really, like I see some of my friends doing arenas, doing this, doing that. But I have enough. I really have enough. But it's not enough. Do you know what I'm saying? Does that make sense? Yeah. I think for my career, not for my personal life. My personal life, I got three fucking great daughters. Three grandkids, another one on the way.

What am I gambling on? Yeah. Well... I mean, once in a while, I'll play on my phone at night slots. Oh, boy. Yeah, I did real well.

At least a slot machine is random. Well, slots in the casino is the biggest sucker bet on the planet. The biggest sucker bet. I'll play craps. If I'm going to play... If I'm going to gamble on a machine, I'm going to play craps like a man.

This is what I won last year on slots. Let me see this. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I got lucky. Two jackpots. Wow. But now I keep playing, think I'll get more. Think I'll hit the big one.

I mean, okay.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I see the videos.

He loves it laughs that it's There's shit that goes off in your head. Even even when you lose you're like, I mean I Makes you feel like you're alive.

I was in Vegas. I And I walked to the table with $300, crap table. And it's me and the whole table. I mean, I held the dice for almost an hour. $300, I turned into $5,000. The table's going nuts. I'm winning everybody formula and diapers at the table. They're fucking yelling, cat with a hat.

And it's just such a – you know, and then for the rest of the week, I didn't gamble again because I go, I can't follow that. I'm not going to be able to do that again. So it's not like I'm obsessed with it. Numbers I am kind of, but – I've been to casinos and worked for three, four days and not even played. But when I do, it's like... My wife and I were in Canada and we went to a casino.

I go, well, let me go back to the hotel and put some... Put my credit cards and money there. And she goes, you can't go into a casino with all your money and credit cards.

That's a good point. She should say good for you. That's smart. But she didn't know me when I was an addict. Oh. She never saw me when I was out there. Yeah, but I... Well, I guess I did.

Yeah. Not to go to the casino. A little bit more supportive.

Thank you.

What am I going to do? Come home to a dentist? For me. Right. We really come together when we find the same enemy and the same person we could trash. Or we talk comedy. We make each other laugh. Yeah, we fight and have all the fucking... Of course. We're a married couple. And you're comics. Yeah. So you're talking shit. Well, to be a male comic, you got to be fucked up.

To be a female comic, that's a whole other level of fucking up. Because, you know, they go on the road. They got to worry about everything.

Where they're staying. Right, right, right. What it's like. It's tough. Getting stalked. Oh, yeah. It's horrible.

And thank you for saying we're funny. We're together.

My seven-year-old's gonna go to college, has pick of all kinds of schools, you know, good schools. I fucking, in 11th grade, I raised my hand and go to the bathroom, and I never came back. I just walked out. Like, I'm a fucking idiot, you know, my past. And my kids all grew up, okay, the old one married a black guy, but he's light-skinned. Anyhow, the prettiest baby on the planet.

Well, I only date Irish. Like, I can't afford a Jew broad, so I went fucking Irish. I'd rather go to fucking Marshalls than Barneys.

Yeah.

Very... A little naggy. A little naggy. You know? Yeah. And, I mean, look, fucking Bonnie grew up on a farm killing chickens. You know? Perfect. She's fucking... She's good for, like, when the revelation comes. And not only that... I have running water. You know, they had a fucking... They slept on the floor. She grew up like I did. Poor, poor. And we started dating.

I mean, I was already in the business for I don't know how many years. It's like they say don't date comics. Yeah, well, if you're a new comic... and they're a new comic, it's gonna be competition the whole time. It's gonna be jealousy. But I was already established and she was established.

I luckily came up with one of the strongest crews in New York. Oh, you came up with an amazing crew. Patrice. Patrice, Norton, Billy, Bobby, Colin, Kevin Hart. It was an amazing crew. Our crew and Bonnie. Bro, I knew you back when you had Jerry Curls. You knew me when I was doing Robin Gibbons bits.

It was the 80s. You don't remember. You might remember. We were working a one-nighter in Seaside, New Jersey. It was my ex-wife. And me, you, and her took a walk to the boardwalk. We were in Seaside, right on the boardwalk. And it was just me, you, and her. I think you just came down from Boston. And I don't think you were living in New York.

I think you were just doing some shows, some one-nighters and shit. And we did a one-nighter. Okay, I probably first... It had to be... I got 39 years with her. Probably like 38 years ago. Oh, that doesn't even make sense because I've been doing comedy for 30... Let me see. 38, 97... 37 years. Okay, so then... Okay, I was with Bonnie, so... I mean, Kelly. So I had... You're right.

I had... It had to be like 1990 then. Yeah, I had like... four years clean. 90 was when I first started coming to, um, New York. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and I was already married. So yeah, I had, I had five years clean. So it was maybe like 34 years ago, which could fall or 35. So yeah, we're working on one nighter. And I, I remember walking up the street, me, you and Bonnie, uh,

to uh it was to the boardwalk i mean uh kelly kelly to the boardwalk to the boardwalk and it was just some one-nighter and then i don't know if we ever worked again together oh well danger fields we did some we did carolines together too i remember doing carolines with you we did oh we did a lot of danger field shows together yeah you know did we ever do prom shows together yes oh jesus

So I have enough. But when it comes to career as a comic, and you know, there's one more fucking thing. Just one more thing. You know what I'm saying? I do know what you're saying. I don't know. I don't know what it is. You know, I've had specials. Not Netflix, but it's always... It's like I'm always doing the other club. Right. You know what I'm saying? I see what you're saying.

to like 5 a.m. But sometimes some of the shows were some of the same crowd. Most of the shows.

I'm just so empty inside. This fills the hole for like, it's like, you know, you go by, you're like, oh, and then you get home and go, I hate my life. I hate my insides and no spirituality, but I get to look at my emptiness on, you know.

doing proms at Dangerfields. And this is all young kids in high, you know, getting ready to go to college. And Ronnie goes on. He walks on stage in a robe, drunk. He's not doing comedy. Bombing the crowd. He's talking about his divorce or death. And all these kids are just, they're all looking at him like the jury from My Cousin Vinny.

When they were looking at the stuttering lawyer, their eyes were just going, what is going on with this man? Wow. Right? And he just, it was the most, and then I think Brian Regan had to follow him. And the fact – I mean if you look at your career and some of mine and Brian Regan, we were doing prom shows. Yeah.

I did – there was a contest at Rascals and I think the winner got to do Comedy on a Plane. That was back when they smoked on planes. Yeah, yeah. And I think John Stort was one of the contestants. Like, I remember doing, I remember doing, or else it was a Johnny Walker competition. I was there. It was like me, John Stort, Jim Gaffigan, you know, to do some Johnny Walker tour.

I don't fucking know whatever the contest was, but it was all these contests. But you would see, look, I worked, fucking clubs here i i was working one club once and after the show it was in scranton pa at a holiday and me and another comic after the show the owner brings us in the back room and pulls out a gigantic bag of coke and says do you want coke or money and i took the coke

I'm always... And I'm very... blessed and I love what I've achieved in this business but it seems like it's always like okay I got a special on Amazon now but it's not it wasn't Amazon didn't buy it we placed it on that you know what I'm saying so it's always there's always one little thing when every pilot my wife and I have had together I've had Gets this close to getting picked up.

And the guy who took the money is Adam Sandler. And look where he is. And look where I am. Adam Sandler took the money. He opened up. He was a guitar comic. And he opened up. That was a Nick's Comedy Stop thing, Coker Money. Oh, yeah, I worked in Boston. Did they offer you Coker money? I don't. And I was getting high because when I first started comedy, somehow they what was his name?

Dominic and Jackie Gateman or something. They liked me for some reason. I stunk, but they would give me spots at Nick's and I would get either money or but I would buy Coke from Mike, the drug dealer that the Colombians killed. He was their Coke dealer up there. I would stay behind the connection at the Milner Hotel, which was all prostitutes and drug addicts, right?

And, you know, I would go up there. Nix was giving me shows upstairs, downstairs, upstairs. So the one time, the last time I was up in Boston, I did Springfield, Mass., and Westfield, Mass., 252 Elm, and some other Norm LeFou shit. Norm LeFou, Western Massachusetts. So then I went to Nick's. I go, I'm not spending my money on drugs. I'm coming home with fucking money, right?

So I'm working this place called Plums in Worcester. And this waitress, oh, fucking smoking hot. After the show, because I did some coke bits, she goes, you do coke? I go, yeah. I go, do you know where I can get any coke? And we couldn't get any coke in Boston. I'm not... We drove from Boston. I went back to New York, bought a bunch of crack. We got a hotel, smoked all night.

We had sex, this and that. And it was Saturday night. And I'm 40 minutes from home. And I have one more show in Boston on a Sunday. And I have to drive her all the way back to Boston. No money left, maybe $10 or $20, just enough to get back to Boston, do my show, luggage in a fucking paper bag. We stop on the way up in Hartford. We try to buy Coke or heroin, and we got ripped off.

She's crying because she's going to lose her job. Fucking blood started pouring out of my nose as we're driving, just pouring out. Oh, Jesus Christ. I swear to God. Right? Right? Well, and then she goes, my sister wants an ounce of Coke. So I was going to set her up and rip her off and get a free ounce of Coke. Well, anyhow, two weeks later, I end up in rehab.

That was my bottom, that fucking trip to Boston. I end up in rehab. And about a year or two later, I'm working Fort Lauderdale, and her sister's there with her boyfriend who's the size of a fucking house. So if I did rip her off, I would have gotten fucking the shit killed, beaten out of me. You know, what are the odds?

So that last trip to Boston, and I spent all the money I wasn't gonna spend, but this girl was fucking hot, you know? Then I came out of rehab, I think I had like a month or two months clean and I'm working on Daytona Beach.

fucking wait where I don't know I was I had bad teeth fucking jerry curl and my wife says if she saw videos of me from Rasmus you're such a mess but you had so much confidence and girls like confidence right because I would be on stage fucking rotten teeth and fucking grease dripping out of my hair fucking mess I look like a fucking rat and just hot waitress in Daytona we go back to her place and

And I'm making out with her, and something tastes funny. I go, what? And she pulls out a bag of Coke. And I had like a month clean, two months. I go, I can't do that. I got to get out of here. I fucked her, but then I left real quick. And it was scary. So you never bounced back?

No, no.

39 years ago.

Well, I mean, here's, for me now, and, you know, as the years accumulated... You know, I was working. I was saving money. I was buying. You know, if I went and got high now, this watch alone would kill me. I could pawn this watch. Right. It would be enough money for me to die.

You know, money I've hidden around the house. You know, no one's going to find it. Don't even think, hey, we're going to go to Foster's house and find his money. This shit is fucking hidden well. All right? So go fuck yourselves. So anyhow... I'll die. There's no, look, for a year, and I got to get back on track, I stopped eating, not keto, but cut back on carbs, sugar. I did real well for a year.

I mean, I was fucking ripping up again. And from my age, and it's harder, my daughter comes upstairs and goes, oh, I made homemade chocolate chip cookies. I go, oh, give me one. Well, the seventh cookie I had to throw in the garbage.

Some of the no's I've heard, they almost sounded like yeses. They were such good no's. I walked out and go, that was the best no today. That fucking no almost felt like a yes.

I got to stop. So that's how my fucking mind is. There's no one time. What the fuck? I play golf and guys are drinking a beer. I go, what the fuck are you doing? We like to taste. Fuck off. Gatorade tastes good. You drink to get drunk. What are you drinking a beer? And on stage, if I quit, someone goes, Quitter, shut the fuck up. You're here having wine coolers, bitch.

Sell your mother's car to get high. Go fuck yourself. Wow. You don't know anything about getting high. You're fighting with people who aren't even here. I know. I'm just telling you how. This is strange.

Oh, do you know how many fucking arguments I've had? I thought you were going to bring in your whole pro-Palestinian crew that I was going to fight today. Which I have stuff printed out. We'll read later. We'll read later. But it's so funny having fights with people. You don't ever lay in bed or have arguments with people that you've never had.

They say to live and rent free in your head.

Yeah. I don't allow anybody in my head. No. I had the second – boy, I do – And I'm not religious by any, but I'll say, you know, God get me off track. You know, what should I do? What's my purpose? Or what can I do in life? You know, look, my main purpose in life, besides being, my main purpose is staying sober. Because if I don't, I'm dead easily and everything I throw away.

Then my family, obviously, you know, and my career, you know. All the shit I put about Israel, this and that, my life is comedy. But I think in life, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem with what's going on in this world, mainly in this country, the anti-Semitism in this country.

And I agree. And I've said this before. And I believe in free speech. When we talked about this, you didn't agree with it. I didn't agree with free speech? No, no, no. What I said about the internet, that some people in life shouldn't have a platform in life because they're nuts. They're nuts. Like if you had someone in the audience that's nuts, you're going to take them out.

You're going to get rid of them.

Okay, but there's people that are following these nuts. Okay, you take whatever's going on in the Middle East, whatever side you're on, Israel, Palestine, whatever. Why are college campuses letting this happen on campus where Jews can't go to class, where they're being harassed, where they feel threatened?

Yeah, it's funded by Qatar or whatever. Or whatever.

No, of course.

Of course.

Of course. And I mean, listen – They didn't all go out and buy the same tents. And there's I don't know how many that are getting funded and then they bring in – it's just like – The tents are crazy. We're going to camp out for Palestine. It's just like – I don't want to get into the 80s and foreclosures on farms. Farm aid?

Well, when banks were foreclosing on farms, Jews were going, look, the Jews are foreclosing on our farm, the Jewish bankers. And they weren't even the bankers doing it. It was the WASP bankers. Jews barely worked at Chase Manhattan in the early 80s or 70s. But they blamed the Jews. But they blamed because it's easy to go after...

So throughout the Midwest or the South, it's easier to build up hatred or a group to go after a smaller group going, hey, these people are closing on your farms. These are the people that are doing it. And these people don't have the knowledge and the hate just grows and grows from generation to generation. Does that make sense? So, you know, same with, you know, the...

Look, I got shit I printed out is, you know, I'll show it later. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, listen, I'm a comic, but I I really you see what I post sometimes I post some shit and it's not I'm not anti. I'm not anti. You're pro-Israel. I'm just pro-Israel. You're pro-Jew. I'm pro-Jew in this country. And I'm not religious by any stretch. I don't fucking. I think it's a holiday now.

It's Passover or something. I don't fucking know. I'm not religious. My cousins were. My family wasn't.

I think about it as, yes, as a people, you know, if what was happening in this world to black people or gay people, these colleges would put an end to it. It would stop. All right. If if people were ripping down posters of of hostages, of black hostages or gay hostages when that was happening, it wouldn't happen. It would. That was crazy.

Okay. If every surrounding country was attacking Italy, they're going to fight back by any means necessary. I 100% get it. Can I show you some stuff? Okay. Now, we don't have to do it. We can talk. I don't know. I got to do a little of it.

Well, I get that. In life growing up from my childhood through drug addiction, I became comfortable being uncomfortable. That was my life. Right. Comfortable being in the skids. Yeah, this was what I was used to. In this business... I don't really ever set myself up for failure. I mean, I produce. I come up with albums. I'm always coming up with new material. And I got seven albums.

What do you got there?

Relax. I come prepared. Charts? Yeah.

This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen from you. Yeah, it's very small. Yeah, they're surrounded by a bunch of Muslims.

No, I got other better stuff. I just start off with the weaker stuff.

yeah i mean so it is kind of crazy wouldn't you think by any means necessary they're going to do what they have to do i just survive yes i totally think they would and i understand that aspect of it is that your phone yeah i got to turn it off sorry my wife i don't know how she got my number start the car it is crazy when you look at the map

All the way up.

And then, I mean, Turkey hates Israel. Fucking Iran, you know, they're being attacked by four or five different nations at once. And everybody's going, well, you know, they're committing genocide. First of all, those numbers are coming out of, coming from Hamas. Where do you think those numbers are coming from?

Well, I bet you if they released the hostages October 10th, none of this shit would have happened. That's true. None of this shit would have happened. During the Clinton administration... Arafat was in the White House probably six or seven times. The head of the CIA during the Clinton administration visited the White House twice. Arafat, six or seven times. And they offered a two-state solution.

Clinton, that would have been Clinton's legacy to have peace in the two states. But Arafat kept turning it down because Arafat's a terrorist. And if he does that, what purpose does he serve? What purpose? Is it that simple? Well, to me it is because I'm not the smartest. That's part of the problem.

Do we have that animosity and hatred from Japan towards us where we dropped, you know, killed 350,000 people? Well, they did for a while.

Yeah, but now it's 55 years later. Yeah, they're not like that at all now.

No, because future generations in the Middle East, this has been going since day one, since the Six-Day War, since the Yom Kippur War. Since day one, they've been being attacked. So there's never...

I'll probably make an eighth album, which is a lot for a career, I would imagine. Yeah, it's great. I don't go into clubs and drink. I don't hit on waitresses. You know, so I don't know. But my wife says the exact same thing you're saying. My wife said to me once, she said, because I had this power of thinking, like, when I think really hard, it comes to me, shit, right?

I mean, I'm not a historian. This isn't my whole life.

He's coming back to Jerusalem.

But here's another thing, too. And I'm not, listen, I've worked, I'm not going to be that guy, oh, I had a Muslim friend.

They are against Hamas. Yeah, they are.

Did you just see that?

Well, look what happened. They got... I mean, Kus of Israel's help got Assad out of Syria. Now the rebels took over, but Assad killed almost 500,000 of his own people, tortured 100,000. I mean, those are the numbers I read. I don't know if they're exact, but he's gone.

But he was more dangerous in Syria... According to our... Well, also according to Israel, because Israel weakened Iran's military after they were attacked by Iran, who was supplying Assad with weapons.

And my wife goes, if you think you deserve a million dollars, you'll get a million dollars. And I said, God gives you what you need, not what you want. And then she said, do you think Chelsea Handler needed a TV show? So she kind of like debunked my whole need, you know, and want thing. If you believe in some kind of power greater than your spiritual, I'm not religious by any fucking way.

I don't get where- gays or women or whatever are backing, they're basically backing Hamas. I don't get. They're retarded.

Blacks for the Klan.

No, there's none left.

Obviously, as a comic, I believe in the First Amendment. I say shit that you can't cancel me. Anyhow. I believe, and maybe I'm wrong and maybe you disagree. I want to see your opinion.

Okay, what's your opinion? It's my opinion. Free speech. Protest all you want at colleges. Protest wherever. But take off the masks.

I ran out of, I ran out of shit to buy. So, like, there's nothing. What kind of car are you driving? A Lexus IS350. Oh, those are fun. It's nice.

During the Vietnam protests, there was never a mask. Those people were proud to protest against the Vietnam War.

That's true. But now... They're hiding and they're committing, to me, some crimes on campus, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, it's organized. And people join in because they want to be a part of the group. And there's a lot of people in this world. There's leaders and there's followers. And there's a lot of followers. More followers than leaders. Yes, than leaders in the world. Yeah. So we'll get off of this because I know we're kind of, you know, but I just wanted to- Are you on your map back?

No, I have other things in there. I have other good points in there.

Look, how are they going to win anything through the U.N. when there's 22, 23 Arab countries in the U.N. and Israel? So everything is going to be voted against. Yeah. Israel. They're 22, 23 fucking Arab. Like I said, I can't solve or whatever is it. Unfair, whatever. My concern is what's going on in this country. That's my main concern. My daughter's going to college.

I don't want her to go to a college where she feels scared to go to class. Where she feels threatened just to be who she is. Tell her to go to college in Texas. I know. I want her to go to, you know.

It's a different time.

but shit comes to me. I don't think I, uh, fucking, uh, screw things up. I don't screw things up like, you know, in meetings or when we do pilots or whatever. I, I do what I'm supposed to do. So I don't know. I mean, in comedy. Yeah. For years I might've been a little aggressive on stage or, you know, a little whatever, you know, uh,

I think if a woman, if a woman, if a lady, a woman. OK. OK. I told you I walked out in 11th grade. If a lady, I think, does all her chores. I think I think once a week she should be able to wear slacks. I abortion to me. I think a man, and I could be wrong, if you're married or you live with your spouse, the male might have, what, 20, 25% of the decision, maybe 30.

But some single guy, probably never had a girlfriend, never lived with a girl. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You know, you just want to be part of something.

100%.

It's all self-centered, fucking, I'm more important than you. Yes. Don't paint on somebody with a fur. They should turn around and fucking... Beat the daylights out of them. Or these fucking climate people walking into the Reich Museum or the Van Gogh and throwing paint on a fucking... Or gluing yourself to the wall.

Yeah. Fuck you.

They glued themselves to the floor.

Good. Porsches are nice cars. Why would they attack Porsches?

I think everything now, especially now with clubs or whatever, it's all numbers. They don't give a fuck if you light the waitstaff on fire. If you sold out the room, they go, oh, great, you were fabulous. I was working catch years ago. I was at catch. And Bill Hicks, okay, so David Brenner's on stage. And they love David Brenner. He's killing, killing. It was during the peak of David Brenner.

No. Look, if you drive... up the Jersey Turnpike or anywhere and the factories and the lights and all the smoke and all that shit, just everything, all right, me turning off my light bulb is not going to make a fucking difference compared.

You're not going to stop that. Okay, and this is what – They're looking out for their best interests. That's what they're doing. Just like every other fucking country is basically doing is survival. And that's my point with Israel. They're looking out for what's going to keep us from being extinguished off this fucking planet. Right. And, you know, whatever it takes.

That's what the Jews... And I'm getting back on this because you lost me on all that shit. But... What the Jews need is a Malcolm X of Jews. Oh, boy. Look, Malcolm X was great. He didn't say go after the white man. He said do what we have to do. Why don't you do that? Why don't you be the Malcolm X for the Jews?

You know what I mean? There's no way to tighten that up a little bit? I could a little. A little with Bonnie's help. I fired my manager two weeks ago and I had her write it out for me because I knew I would have said something fucked up and mean. That's smart. You know? And another thing, I go, hey, listen, you know, seven years, it's... It's time to move on and I hope we can still be friends.

And he went, definitely. Not like, are you sure? Maybe we could work this out. It's like when you fucking leave a girl.

Okay. Wait, whoa. Come on. I added something. Fight for me. Nope. So, nope. So. Yeah, I would love to speak in colleges or maybe that's my... Let it cool down a little first. Let it cool, yeah, right. Give it a year or so. Give it a year. I probably wouldn't be able to get to the auditorium.

We're going to take it. But he keeps saying, and I don't follow... You know, if you don't release the hostages, there's hell to pay. Well, what what has hell what has he done to help release the hostages? I mean, now they're being attacked by fucking Yemen. You know, I mean, what? I don't know. Release the fucking hostages. How many hostages are left now? What is it, 70?

I don't know, because they keep dropping it. Four hostages for 1,000 prisoners or whatever. Is that what they're doing? Whatever. It's a trade-off how many prisoners they got to give them for a hostage. This would have never went on in this country. We would not have put up for it. I mean, we did with Carter with... Yeah, the Iranian hostages. Yeah, 200. They were there for, what, two years?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was written.

It's just fucking crazy. Well, did you hear? I didn't see it. I only read what... These reporters and journalists, what she said on 60 Minutes, do you think the hostages didn't feed you because they ran out of food? Oh, that Hamas didn't feed the hostages? Yeah, Leslie Stahl said that in an interview. Did she really say that? In an interview. Look it up. She said that to one of the hostages.

He gets off, Bill Hicks goes up, and he says, growing up as a kid, I would see Robert Klein and David Brenner, and I figured if they could do it, I could do it. That was his opening. So now he's doing his bit about Nancy Reagan, skinny, whatever, and calling her the anti, I mean, people are running out the door. They're running out the door. And then he gets off stage,

Do you think they didn't? And don't quote me because this is what I read. I don't want to get sued by Leslie, whoever. But I think she said what I read. Do you think the captors didn't feed you because they ran out of food?

Yeah, I mean, she's on fucking 60 Minutes, a journal. How do you say something like that?

You can't.

You can't because you're going to go. It's not news anymore. No, it's clickbait and it's fucking. It's a business.

I had an argument with somebody close to me because I go on Gutfeld. I try to go on once a month, like I said. And she says, oh, you're pro-Trump. I go, I'm not pro-anything or anti-anything. I go on. Where else is a comic going to sit for an hour? Try to be funny. On TV? Yeah, on TV for an hour. There's not much left. There's not.

And it's definitely not going to be on the left because they're not going to let me say the things that I get away on the Gutfeld show. And it's a great show. I mean, if you say something funny, they laugh. It's, to me, the closest to Tough Crowd. Right.

I see what you're saying. Not quite, but I know what you're saying. Not quite, but it's fun. Whatever views. And I said to this person, you worked with the pharmaceutical companies for 30 years and you're going to tell me. Did they really? Yeah. And you're going to go on your high horse about me doing a show that's going to help my career and build numbers. And well, it's not the same.

No, it's worse.

Can we talk about one of the reasons I'm here? I don't know if you remember this. I hope you do. I had this torn rotator cuff. And you said, come down.

Now, what's the BPC? BPC-157.

Which is better for it, the stem cells or the BPC?

because I'm not getting my shoulders operated on. It's like a six-month. It's rough. And it doesn't always work. So what exactly is wrong with your shoulder? Well, this is a torn rotator cuff right here. I even brought the disc, the x-ray.

Not yet, because I was waiting to do this to see where this took me and how I would go from there.

And he says to me, he goes, what went wrong? But I swear to God, he goes, what went wrong? Was he serious? Yes. Or was he joking around? No, he was, whatever. He was building, I don't know. It's hard to tell with him. Yeah. But anyhow, the manager or booker, now after I said to him, you can come and do a spot here anytime you want because he was Bill Hicks. Do you see what I'm saying?

Not those yet. I tried.

No, for a torn rotator?

Oh, really?

Here's the only thing, and I could be wrong, you'll know. When they said, you know... rehab to build up the muscle, but I'm 67. How much more muscle am I building up?

I just certain exercises I can't do.

Well, I'm going to, like I said, after I do this. When are you leaving? When are you flying out? Wednesday.

Did I bring the show to a dead halt with my map? No. I thought it was a good conversation. Yeah, it's good. It's a good map. You know, I got more stuff. I didn't want to... Listen, I printed out a bunch of stuff. I don't want to go back and have my fucking dumb Jew friends going, hey, you didn't bring anything up.

All right, well, stop talking to them. Then my wife, don't say anything stupid. Is that what she said? Yeah. She goes... Sorry, Bonnie. You know, be funny. That's what you ought to call it. You're doing that. I was pretty funny. You're doing funny. I got to say, listen, I'm... I'm a good interviewer. You're fine. You're doing fine.

You know what are the best, not your best, what a great show would be? What? Me, Colin, and Norton in here. Oh, that'd be phenomenal.

Yeah.

Like, Norton would be fucking phenomenal at it. We just did Norton's podcast. Me, Colin, and Norton. Whatever podcast. He's got 12 of them. And it was one of the most funniest things when it comes out you'll ever hear. Us three together, it's like a fucking... You get back in the old groove again. It's... Yeah, because we're just there to have fun.

I mean, I was in there one day. Anthony was eating a piece of cake. I walked by him and smacked it out of his hand. He... He laughed as hard as anybody on the planet because the times we had in there, I was on there with- Were you with me when they brought in Mary and Perry? No.

You weren't there? Marion Barry?

He was Bill Hicks. You know, I worked with him in Texas. It's when I first started and I'm watching him, you know, uh, And we'll get back on track. I'm sorry to go off on these things.

Yes. Oh, that had to be a blast.

Oh, really? You smoked tobacco out of a glass pipe?

This conversation's over. I remember the times, and I was in there one time. Pete Rose, Bobby Kelly, Ricky Gervais, right? And fucking Pete Rose called me. He goes, you look like some rat-faced soccer player. Whatever he said, it was very funny. Whatever Pete Rose said was very fucking funny. So I walk over to Bobby.

And I walk past Bobby and I walk past Pete Rose and I sit down and Pete Rose says, why are you out of breath? I go, because I had to walk around you two, you fat fucks. But you could say anything you wanted on that show. And it didn't...

Well, okay, so I brought Patrice into ONA. Did you really? Yeah, I brought him in. Wow. He fucking smashed me the day I walked him in. Because we went through the back. We went through this way. He goes, what do you think? This is good, fellas. You walked me through the back. You couldn't take me through the front door. So he became a fixture on it.

So we're working in Texas. He just breaks up. His girlfriend breaks up with him at the time. It's a true story. So he goes, where can you get a hooker, a prostitute, and a cab driver?

So one day we're in fucking ONA, and I'm driving this little Porsche Boxster. He's driving this big Escalade because he's a fucking buffet molester. So he's saying he's trashing one of my Rolexes going, you're a fucking selfish douchebag driving a Porsche to me. So you can't have people. And I'm not thinking, well, maybe if you didn't eat fucking,

Pound cake or whatever, you wouldn't eat a big ass. But he's beating me down bad. I mean, fucking killing me. I'm speechless, right? Speechless. He's fucking just pounding me. And I walk out of there. So the next day or two days later, I go online and he's trashing my car. I looked at the price of my car, new, and the price of his car.

And I send it to him, I go, look, my shitty car costs more than your car, new. And he calls me, he goes, you're still thinking about this? He goes, really?

And it's so fast, and it's, you know, it's... But this is how fucked it... Okay, so the two... Okay, I had the Lexus 350, right? Right. Or whatever. And I had it for seven months, maybe. I went in to get it serviced, and I was kind of depressed, so I bought a different car. I said, I go, this is fucked up. So I bought the... IS 350. I had the other car for seven fucking months.

I should have. I would drive him home. One night I was driving him back to Jersey City. I had to go to the bathroom. We were walking up to his house. And he says, oh, man, I don't have a manager, an agent. Nothing's going on. I go, I can't get work. I don't have an agent either. Nothing. And we just both started cracking up and walking. It was the funniest thing.

We were reading for the head of a sitcom for ABC, me and Patrice. We were going to be the leads of this sitcom. So we go into the head of casting at Marcy Phillips and he doesn't want to be there and I can't act. So basically I'm not a good and at the time. So he won't take his face out of the fucking copy. And I'm trying to read with him the scene, and he won't look at me.

Yeah, I know. There's a lot of these young kids now that listen, okay? A prostitute, okay? So the cab driver takes them to one house because they would take you to the – and I go with him. He goes, take a ride. So then we go to one house. She knocks on the door, and she opens the door and goes, you're a cop, and slammed the door on him. Slammed the door. I was young, slammed the door in his face.

And Marcy Phillips is yelling at me, going, what are you doing? I go, this fucking guy won't connect with me. How can I act with somebody that won't look at me? And she goes, can you two please leave? We laughed all the way down the hallway. We laughed. We just got kicked out of an audition as the leads of sitcom, and we just cracked up all the way. Because it just, to us, was the funniest.

Being funny in the moment.

Yeah, never once.

Never.

I walked out of an audition once. I just got back from Aspen. I had a lot of heat in Aspen. But this is when my anxiety, I've had anxiety my whole life. 21, I was hospitalized for anxiety when I was 21. And they didn't know what it was. They thought you were just nuts and gave you Thorazine and Haldol and you shuffled around like a crazy man. So explain to me what it feels like.

What is this anxiety? Well, when I had it bad, well, I felt so disconnected. That even when I talked, it felt like an echo almost. Like I was outside of myself.

Like if I look in the mirror, I'm going, who am I looking at? It was just so disconnected. And you were 21? Yeah, 21. Wow. Smoking pot and stuff. Oh, well, that's it. Well, some of it was probably, where am I going in life? Yeah. What am I doing?

Which is like, ooh. You know.

No, no, no, no. This is the best day of my life. Okay. Except for the fucking map. The map was great. The map turned out great. It turned out a good little conversation. Sure. I had to talk a fucking lesson. Thank God it's Monday. Thursday. The Thursday ones are so much better. I'm Monday. So...

I didn't know what was going on. It turned into panic or whatever. Like, I was so fucked up. My friends, you know, I was going... I was selling meat and seafood out of a car, out of a truck, some businesses back then. I went to this therapist. I go, help me. I'll give you some free steaks and seafood. And I was just out of my fucking mind. And I get anxiety talking about it.

It really gives you a little anxiety. So my friends go, let's take him to Florida. He needs a vacation. We drove to Florida. I was there for a day. I said, I got to get the fuck out of here. Take me home. And we drove there and drove back. Then I checked into the hospital. The fifth floor, basically, for fucking... Cuckoos. Cuckoos. Because they really didn't know what anxiety was back then.

Isn't that crazy?

Well, I mean, it was 40-something years ago. But isn't it nuts?

Well, yeah, but also, too, it's easier to say that person's nuts, give them Thorazine, Haldol, whatever, antipsychotic drugs or whatever. And I swear to God, you know, my day was, and then I would shuffle. I would shuffle around the floor with this girl. I mean, this one girl. We shuffled. My friends came up to see me, and I'm like, I can't see you today. We're going for a walk.

You know, I was like one fluid. I was fucking out of my mind. That could have been you for the rest of your life. Oh, God. Jesus. So, I know. Well, because I did do acid in my day, and people sometimes do that shit and never come back. Never come back. And I saw that on Dragnet.

No. How dare you? How dare I?

Oh, you mean he did acid?

My brother did it when we were doing it. He was real young. He was having a bad trip, and I had to babysit him the whole day. Yeah, it's fucking scary.

He looks like a cop. Then he went, but he also, the next place the cab driver took him, she opened the door and goes, you're too young, and slammed the door on him. Oh, my God. The next night, he did 10 minutes or whatever on how he can't pick up a prostitute in Lubbock, Texas. And I go, I'll never be this funny as long as I fucking live. Like, I've watched people going... Amazing.

Well, we were doing blotter or windowpane, four-way windowpane.

Oh, too much goes into that drop. So I got out of the hospital, and for— Years. I don't know however long it took. It passed. Life started getting better. Whatever. Then... And I would get anxiety. It would come and go. But back then, I didn't know what it was. It turned into panic and... So then when I was 40, I would watch my kids. After I got divorced, I would have my kids every day.

you

they went off to school full time you know nursery first grade so now I'm at 40 years old living in some fucking third floor apartment divorced from my first wife bouncing off of fucking walls again I mean fucking 40 years old no purpose no just I'm going I gotta quit comedy I gotta go into the psych ward I'm fucked up this is fucked up

So I found this therapist who was also—and I was already sober. I found this therapist that was in recovery, and he basically brought me back, you know, some medication through his partner who was a psychiatrist. He was a therapist. Great. I could talk. I could say anything to him, whatever, you know. And— then it just got better.

And then I realized and worked knowing whatever anxiety I feel, it'll pass. Nothing lasts forever. It'll pass. Like I had a little anxiety for the last week thinking about this. I go, what, you know, a little bit because, and we're friends and I've done podcasts and what Bonnie goes, shut up and be funny, be whatever, you know, A million things went through my fucking head.

Because, I mean, shit, you've had fucking Trump on, you know what I mean? And that's my low self-esteem. Because, of course, I should be doing everything in my mind. Do you see what I'm saying? Does that make sense? But... Even when I did Tough Crowd, I was on 30 times. Every episode, I had anxiety till it started. Every special or everything I've ever done, anxiety for the first second.

I walk out, boom, gone. All right, it's just- Well, that's because you care.

When I did the Trump, when we roasted Trump- This was a fryer's roast, right? It's when they broke away from Commie Central, right? They broke away. So it's at Hilton in New York, 2,000 people. Anybody that meant anything in New York, from club owners, agents, managers, celebrities, they were all there. So the first act goes up. This guy, Stewie Stone, old time Catskill comic.

He kills like no one I've ever seen kill on a roast. Fuck you, Trump. Fuck your casinos. Fuck you. Fuck this fucking slaughter. Right. And I'm sitting on the desk. I'm sitting next to Isaac Hayes. Opie and Anthony are there. My father, his wife, Bonnie, before I married her. And he, I go, I'm going to end my career. I go, I'm going to end my career here. Okay. Then Susie Essman goes up.

Then I was running then with Bastille. That's when I was running with Bastille. Frankie Bastille? Yeah. I'll tell you a good story. I think I told you this story. I've told this story and it's been told, but I don't know if I told it years ago when I did this. And then I'll get back to it. I'm not self-sabotaging. That's what you were getting to in my head. Am I self-sabotaging?

Slaughters. Slaughters. I guess Amorose wrote her some funny jokes and she's great at roasts. And I was ready to sneak off the fucking, just leave. I go, it might be better if I leave than go up. Well, then Belzer went up. Took a little wind out of the room. Took a little, you know. Yeah. So Regis Philman was the host. Yeah. It was three weeks after Ronnie Dangerfield died. Three weeks.

They introduced me. I go, big hand for Regis. Originally, they asked Rodney to host, but he said he'd rather be dead. Right? Zero. Almost zero. Really? Yeah. But I got him back. I go, don't fuck with me, I'll bring Belzer back. And then Al Sharpton was sitting on the dais. I can't believe I said this, but back then it was okay. He wasn't roasting, but he was on the dais.

And that's when he was running for president. And I said, the only way you'll get on the White House property is with a lantern in your hand. I said to him, so fuck him, I didn't care. And then I got him back. Three of the jokes that I said were the ones that were printed in the newspapers.

You know, the one I did, I go, Trump, the reason Trump puts his names on his buildings is so the banks know which ones to take back. And that was 20 years ago. But it was the most terrifying moment. One that next to doing Def Jam as the first white guy was one of the most terrifying moments in my. I mean, I'm going I'm going to end my career. But Def Jam, you know, Def Jam was on for five years.

The number one show on HBO. OK, we're going to use a white guy. It's me. Right? So now I got white comics. You better be funny. I have black. White comics are saying that to you? Yeah. You got to represent us? Yeah. Really? Which ones? I want to know who they are. This was 20 years ago. The white comics that were doing black rooms back then. Oh, I see. You know what I mean?

Then there was black comics. Man, I'm doing it and they're not. You know what I mean? So they're taping in New York every five nights. This is funny. Five nights. Was that when they were filming in Harlem? It was... It could have... I don't know. It was in New York, five nights at some theater. Okay. And it was the year... I did it the fifth year when they had a different guest host every night.

Like, Martin Lawrence wasn't... One night, one show, Chris Rock, Chappelle, Jamie Foxx, and Steve... What's his name? Harvey was my host. You know. So... I'm going every night. I mean, I went one night, and it was, this is so funny, like, Guy Torre would come out and do the warm-up, and he would say, listen, this is not the Apollo. There's no fucking booing here. This is HBO. We don't boo, right?

This is a whole other level. We don't want to hear any booing. So this comic comes out. He walks out, and with a black audience, if you're wearing the wrong sneakers, you're in trouble. Believe me. I used to do a lot of these. You know, he comes out in, like, Reeboks. He's wearing an all-gold suit. And his first joke in New York is, I just want to say I'm not from New York. I'm from Canada, right?

Oh, no. He's bombing so bad. And when a black audience can't boo you, all you heard in the room was, it was brutal so i'm on now they're taped five nights two shows a night i'm on the last night second show and i go second to last Now, all the comics that were still in town that were the celebrity hosts, were at the taping. I'm going, this is one of the scariest moments of my life.

I mean, you know, no white guy. Steve Harvey brings me out. He goes, well, our next act is something we haven't seen or special, whatever. And Russell made me wear his clothing. I got Fat Farm on and these baggy pants, you know. And I look back on it because it was 25 years ago. it would be different. I pandered a lot to some extent, you know what I mean?

I did grow up in that neighborhood, but I'm out like this, you know? And it worked out, luckily, but I look back and go, I would never do that now from 25 years ago, the pandering and just talking like I'm fucking from the hood and shit, you know? And I had a good set. It worked out. But it was the second scariest moment in my career.

Oh, I have confidence. Okay.

Oh, no. I'm just talking about scary moments. Listen, you... You always got to question yourself in this business because you want to get better. You want to... You just... I don't know. I question myself. I go, I have... Not again, not an ego. I have a reputation to live up to of the stuff I've done in this business. So I come out and people are going...

Look, Bobby and Keith were at the cellar one night. I go, I got a spot at the underground. They go, we're going to come over and watch you bomb. That sounds like Keith. Keith and Bobby, right? So Nikki Glazer's on. Killing. Killing. Not the cleanest, but funny. I don't give a fuck what somebody does. She's funny and she was killing. So I went on, and my first two jokes, they killed.

Well, it happens in golf, too. Yeah, I'm sure. It happens in golf.

And I go, see, Bobby, see, Keith, I can follow anybody, right? Right. Well, then I didn't know this. They went into the back corners of the room, and after every joke, they would go, oh. Yeah. Oh, and they had the whole audience turn on me going, what's going on? I would say a joke that might have been a little edgier, and they would go, oh, real loud. And so the whole audience is going, what?

What's this guy doing up there? They're groaning. One table goes, what's going on here? And I'm fucking bombing now because these two fucking jamokes are in the back of the room going, oh, my God. It's so fucking funny, Bobby and Keith.

Somebody would go on stage, and we would all go downstairs and sit in the front row and watch.

You're like, what are you doing, man? When Kevin Hart was leaving New York to go to fucking L.A., he threw himself a little go-away fucking show at Boston Comedy Club. You remember Boston Comedy Club, right? Sure. So he's on stage pontificating, doing whatever. And I don't know why, but me, Keith, and Patrice were in the back of the room. And there was like 10 phone books back there.

And we started throwing phone books at him. Phone books? Yeah, they were just in the club from... I guess they were delivered. They are phone, all these phone and we're throwing phone books at Kevin Hart. And he says an interview. He goes, I knew I was accepted when they were throwing phone books at me.

I knew I was part of the crew, you know, but we were just heaving phone books at him like fucking three assholes in the back of the woods room. I mean, and we would just, It was just fun. It was probably the most fun I've had in comedy when we would just stand out, me, Patrice, Keith, and Norton till 3 and 4 in the morning in front of Boston just trashing each other and laughing.

Just talking shit. Yeah. Just, you can't. replicate that it can't happen again it was just so funny keith is uh he's fun if you see him around you know or norton or bobby but it was so much fun i heard keith is killing it now even with his strokes his special we were at the tape and the fact that he didn't win an emmy it's it was so fucking good his special

He painted a picture when he was taught. You could see everything he was saying. Him in the hospital, him with a stroke. It was so good. I walked out of there going, this is the best thing I've ever seen. It was so good. Wow. He was so good, you know. Wow. I don't know why he didn't. I mean, it's... Who gives a fuck about the Emmys? Fuck off. Everybody knows how good it was.

All those fucking award shows for art to me are some of the most ridiculous things. Really? How many fucking albums? I don't even want to say her name, but... They don't know. They don't know funny.

You're right.

Years ago. And it's true. If that was Chappelle, he wouldn't have smacked Chappelle. Because Chappelle's a little cut a little bigger. Well, I don't know. The whole thing was crazy.

Too much. Too much.

Some stupid shit. Yeah.

If you're too cocky, it's... Yeah, they say be humble. Be humble, you know. And I thought Chris handled it as well as he... What can he do?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's... I worked with him on both Oscars he hosted. And he is the nicest guy on the planet. I guess if you're, I don't know, just from working with him, you know. Yeah, he's a very nice guy. He's a nice guy. Also, he's harmless. Like, you can't smack a harmless person. That's crazy. Yes, I'll tell you what. If that was Tony, there would have been a fight.

If that was Tony Rock, there would have been a fight.

No.

If he would have said that about my wife, I would have smacked her and said, laugh.

They were good jokes. They were funny. They were on time. And if I was at times lucky enough to come back with something, then I would. If not, then I sucked it up. The last time I did Kill Tony a couple weeks ago and I told a joke. And Tony goes, that's the oldest joke in history. And I go, yeah, I wrote it. So shut the fuck up. But it was a great episode because he fucked with me. I took it.

He's like Norton.

Yeah, he's quick.

Well, but here's the thing, too. He's done that show for what, 10 years or more? He's built that muscle in his head where boom. It's automatic that something's going to come back.

Yeah, he's so good. Fucking brilliant.

Yeah.

I did... Show's so good. I did Kill Tony twice with Adam Ray. And he's fun to be with. One, they love him.

They love him. But he laughs and gives you your due too. Like, I've done radio with Gervais. Gervais is a big laugher. If you say something funny, he'll laugh and crack up. You know what I mean? And you got to have that. Even... It's just, if it's funny, you know, they don't get jealous or get mad and go, I'm going to outdo that. They laugh.

That's not what we're doing. It's a show.

We'll come right back. So, I heard... You heard... The stem cell, I can't do stuff for a couple weeks. You can do things. Golf? Yeah, for sure. With a stem cell? Yes, of course. If it gets shot into me Wednesday, what's tomorrow? Tuesday. I could play golf Thursday. Yes. What about the BPC? Yes.

Not really. You'll be fine. A little.

Well, no. Listen, I went to physical therapy for my back and it's working. So why wouldn't you do it for your shoulder? Because I was waiting to do this shit first. That would help.

It was only two or three weeks ago he said go to physical therapy. I go, well, he wanted to cut my shoulder. I said, I'm not cutting it. I'm going to try the BPC and the stem cell. So-

Well, a lot of people tore rotator cuffs. Oh, yeah. Tear rotator cuff. Yeah, I had a torn rotator cuff. I think I did it. I was doing upright rows with 50-pound kettlebells, and I think that was too heavy or too much. So you got to train her, Rich. Huh? Get a trainer. I'm... I'm doing all right. I mean, I know how to work out.

Yes. Okay, get a professional. You're saying get a trainer for my shoulder or for my whole... For your shoulder, for everything, for all of it.

Well... I think I'm doing triceps and biceps right. I know I am. I'm doing lats right. Show me the guns. Well, they're not. Then how do you think you're doing them right?

I mean, I can see it. It's hard. Is it? My chest is nice. You want me to do my chest? You want to see my chest? No, I'm good. Take my chest out. No, no, no, no.

My lats and traps are good. Okay. Look. For almost 68, I think I look better than most people I went to school with. That's good. I think, look, I work out all the time, but I maintain. Okay. I maintain. I feel like a therapist.

Fucking listen, Bonnie. I mean... You should listen to Bonnie. You're right. I'm going to fucking... Do you think I'm never going to get my arms bigger than that? That's ridiculous. Of course you could. At 68, you'd get your arms bigger.

I have nice lats and nice chest.

What is it that gets you hard? Viagra? No, no. Cialis? No, not the drug that makes you... Testosterone? Yeah, testosterone. What's it called? Testosterone. You won't do that? Well, because it makes it... It leads to prostate cancer. No, it doesn't. That's what my doctor told me.

He died.

He died two years ago.

I stop for a year. I'm going to get back on. Listen, I eat pretty fucking good. For the last month and a half, I haven't. For a year. Yeah.

That's also, too, a God thing where you think, I could fix this person or I could change him. No one can change him. That's Brian Callen.

Who's that? The guy tomorrow?

I'll bring the disc. Bring the maps, too. He'll love the maps. Let me tell you something about these maps. These maps. I printed this shit out. I see. It looks like your printer needs ink. Pretty dull. Listen to me. Listen to me. Fix your eyes. My eyes work pretty good. You want to see some other statistics I got? What else you got? No, I don't want to get into this. Please don't.

I don't even like Ferris wheels.

You know what?

People get their stuff in there. How long do they go for?

How long? How long were they up there?

I'll tell you what I'll never do is clap when a pilot lands. You don't do that? That's his fucking job. It's true.

I wouldn't have got on the plane. No.

How convenient. And those people would fuck up that money, too.

Oh, that tour.

Him and AOC.

I can't even tell you what I sent the other day to the IRS. It just fucking... And I'm, you know, just a regular fucking, you know, so much money. Well, they're complaining about Elon.

No.

Oh, well, because you're comparing it to the rest of the world. To the rest of the planet. All of the planet. Yes.

Yes.

Listen, when I was in Cabo working there, it was amazing. You drive to the airport, people are living in fucking shacks there, this and that. It's horrible. It's horrible, but- Look, this sounds narcissistic. I came from a major, major drug addict and I turned my life around. It's all you got to find a way to do what you can for yourself. I don't give a fuck where you are. I grew up with dudes.

From heroin addicts to people with five kids at fucking 22 or whatever. And a lot of people made it out of there and found a way to be successful.

Do you know how many fucking clubs you could have bought me?

Well, here's my Brian Callen story. It's very funny. I was middling for him at Caroline's, which will never happen again because Caroline's is close. I'm middling for him. So I get off stage and I'm single. This fucking smoking hot girl comes up to me and she goes, come on, let's leave. Right. Right. I go, I got to sell my DVDs or CDs. I have to sell my DVDs or CDs after the show.

I love golf. Yeah. It's fun.

Yeah.

I have. I was hitting in this morning into the screen.

I just went out to hotel. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, to Thompson. I went down, worked out twice.

No, I'm not staying there. I walked over there. Oh. And used her screen. Really? Yeah. No shit. Yeah, I bought my clubs. Yeah, and plus this isn't live. You and Jamie should fucking have a little driving contest.

Oh, with me, you, and Tony, right?

I shoot anywhere from 82 to I want to break a club. I don't know what any of those numbers are. 82 is pretty good sometimes. I've shot in the 70s. How is it, Jamie?

Four and a half. That's a lot of hours. That's a lot of hours, but also, too, it makes you disconnect from all the bullshit that's going on in life. That's the good part. You don't have to deal with whatever.

Yeah, I think I'm going to golf. If I can after I get these shots Thursday with Aaron Berg, I think I'm going to golf with him.

Check in with me.

Look, I'll show you my chest. Don't do it. I'll show you a picture. I don't care. So you're saying from here on. Yeah. You're not saying. What are you going to impress me with your chest? That's crazy. Well, you say I got small arms. I got to say, well, you're telling me they're big.

Listen, let me explain something to you, okay? Fucking waffle neck. Waffle neck? Is that bad? No, I call my kids that. What does waffle neck mean? I don't know. I call them chicken head. Okay, you're right. They're not big, but they're hard, and they're not flabby under here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not falling apart. I'm not some flabby.

What the fuck?

That's what I'm saying. Stop it. I do 500 crunches.

What do you do, sit-ups?

Oh, I know.

Well, I got one of those machines where... I put my knees in it, and I pull up to get to bottom.

Those are good. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do that. You show me that back extension. I do it on that thing I showed you.

Yeah. I'll do back. Because, and I got to lose another 10 pounds again. I gained it back. But it comes and go. And because I have lower... disc problems and, you know, I'm getting sciatica, so whenever I lose weight, I'm in much better shape.

It's tight.

Oh, I'll go in there right now and go all the way down I was just doing it just no I'm saying there's action.

It was my first time like excuses. Do you stretch I? No. On stage, if they need me to do an extra 20. I've done it two hours. If D.L. Ugly and I'm middling and he's coming four hours late. Back in the day, I was working at Caroline's and I was opening for D.L. And, you know, I'm doing all my good stuff up front. Oh, no. And then they have to stretch. And they go stretch. I'm going.

I'm sitting there selling CDs, and I see Brian walk out with her right past me up the stairs. I fucked up. But maybe I didn't. Who knows?

What am I going to do now? He wasn't there yet? No, he wasn't.

You're scouring your brain.

I go, you know what, that one looks cool. So I bought that, and then I went in to get it, that service, and it was the exact same car a year later, but I liked the newer color, the newer gray. That gray, that whatever weird gray. Like a slate gray? Yeah, it looks good. I said, you know what, fuck, give me this car. So I traded. So you keep swapping them out? Yeah.

Yeah. So I... Now, what was the question? Am I doing... Do I stretch? Yeah. Yeah, I do for my back. I lie you down and I pull this back like that. That's good for my lower back. You know what that is?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I pull it back.

And then when I'm doing sit-up crunches, I'll do it either on that machine or I'll pull my legs this way too. So I'm getting my lower. I'm like, watch you move. I'm like, oh, my God. First of all, I know the crew you have come in here, a lot of them. None of them work out at all. A lot of them do. Who doesn't work out at all? Name one. No, I don't want to. Name a guy. Ari.

Okay, just one.

Mark Norman. I don't know if Norman works out.

You know what I like talking to Mark? He loves comedy.

And he knows the history of it. But he knows the history of it. Oh, yeah. Like, you'll talk to comics now and go, oh, Steve Landisberg was funny. Who was that? Look at him.

Of course he works out. Oh, shit. He's ripped.

How dare you?

It hurts me to see that. Are you kidding me? You're talking shit and he looks great. Oh, fuck. You're talking shit. He looks like a male model. Show me that again, Jamie. He's not holding up a newspaper. We don't know when that was shot.

No, I wasn't.

Show me that again. Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Take your clothes off?

Yeah, he does. He looks good. So does his wife. God damn it. Yeah.

All right, relax.

But it's, yeah, you definitely should have left with her. No, I shouldn't have because that in life is where I was supposed to be at that time when I was there. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. You know what I mean? No, you're correct. Anything could happen.

You are looking for your glasses.

This was recently.

What happened?

And then I came back on track for a year. A whole year. And then you fell apart again. And then since January when I was in Canada.

That's right.

Oh, that shit is good.

It's just pure heart attack.

Yeah.

I've been to a couple of those smoked meat. Oh, phenomenal. Phenomenal. But, you know, I heard, and I don't know if this is true, if you eat too much smoked meat, you can get stomach cancer from that, from all that smoked meat. Who fucking told you that? This guy with stomach cancer.

Well, you got all those paper cups. I'll take them all.

I'll take them.

Really?

Oh, I didn't make that much.

A hundred? Even a hundred. Now you're going to a nice restaurant. Who knows? Who knows? You know, it's this whole negative thing with my... And this isn't ego by any stretch when I say stuff like this. And I've... And my wife said, I know I've earned respect from my peers. I know it because I've done it. You definitely have. From white to black comics.

You think this is... Yeah, there you go. My wife, she won't drink that. She knows all this shit. She's a reader.

Just listen to Bonnie. I try to. She... Meditate. She's really good. She's smart. Which is weird. Super smart. The two of you guys together, that it works. It's crazy. It's like, you know what? Here's the deal. What month? What are we at? April. April. April.

15th 14th 14th april 14th so let's go april 14th may june 30th i'm back here at the club on my birthday okay so you're gonna look good i'll look i'll look all right i'm gonna go to june 30th we'll take a picture i'll put it on my instagram take your shirt off flex not now no june 30th okay i'm giving you time

That's what I did. I'm not doing keto. I'm not gay, but I went. Keto's gay? A little. Really? When I try to cut carbs, let me tell you something. It was easier for me to quit crack than it was carbs. Really? Well, I never gave anybody a handjob for a Kaiser roll. So part of my act, folks. He's killing. June 30th, the week I'm here.

I don't know how much bigger my arms will be. You don't have to get bigger. I'll just be a more cut up. But I think I look okay.

No, with the blood. And looked at my sugar levels.

It's fucking too much anxiety. When I went back in the day. Everybody, like, went for the AIDS test after you got clean. Oh, I remember that. I remember my first AIDS test. So I got my AIDS test.

Okay, this is true. My doctor, whenever I went to my doctor and took any test, he would call me and say, everything's fine. There were calls. Everything's fine. Right. So I took an AIDS test. The doctor didn't call you. And I get a call from the doctor. And he said, can you come in tomorrow? I'm going, what do you mean come in tomorrow?

My heart dropped, because he would have said everything's fine. I go, what do you mean? Why do you want me to come in tomorrow? He goes, your tooth came in, and we want to put your tooth, it was my dentist, but I heard doctor. I thought it was my real doctor telling me I have fucking AIDS. Because everybody took that test in the 80s.

Well, people on my block were dropping. We went to see Pee Wee in the hospital, and all the nurses were wearing masks. So we go, I think he has that thing. Nobody even knew what the fuck to, you know.

Back then?

Black comics that most white comics don't even know. You know what I mean? Well, you did a lot of those rooms back in the day. Yeah, I ended all those TV shows. I did them all. Please, I started black comedy. So, okay. You can only hold a white man down so long. So, yeah. And, like, I think in life I'm more about respect than accomplishment. You see what I'm saying?

So what drugs are they using now?

But it was because of blood being transferred.

Plus sharing needles with the blood going from them.

I only checked because I shot dope like maybe three times. What was it like? I didn't like it. It was just not, you know, I was more of a, you know.

Just down and... I can't remember. I did it with Bastille, and he was a major drug addict.

Well, the difference between heroin and like freebase, you can function on heroin. There's functioning heroin addicts for years do it. You can't function on freebase or coke. You got to keep having it.

It's nonstop. You've got to keep it. Oh, I imagine. Is that your thing, Freebasing? Yeah, Freebase.

Well, when I first got high, I was 15. You know, pot. I led my way up to the- The gateway drug. Yeah, coke.

I snorted coke probably when I started when I was 18 or 19, right? And then when he worked at Crack? Crack, probably 25 to 28. Do you remember the first time he did it? I think it was with my cousin. Yeah, it was like... I go, this is good. I mean, I guess... I'll tell you what, I got so many of them. So, my friend... I was on the road. I came back.

He goes, look, I'm going to buy an eighth of Coke, cut it into five halves, five half grams. Okay. And we'll do two half grams, and I'll sell the other three. I know where this is going. Well, we did one or two, and then he went to sleep. What? So this is fucked up. I found where he hid it.

No. I went in and I steal one at a time. I drove to the convenience store. I cooked it with ammonia, right?

Yeah, clear ammonia. Wait a minute. You actually cooked the Coke and turned it into crack? Yeah. Why would you do that? Is it better that way? Oh, that's how you get free-based crack. You've got to process it. You could do it with baking soda. You could do it in a boil it. Who taught you how to do this? Are you a chemist? No, I was a crack addict.

No, I learned it. There's three ways to do it. Or four with ether, which you could blow up your house. Right. I would steal a half a gram from them. I would go to the convenience store. I'd cook it, smoke it, and pour out the ammonia. I said, I can't do it. Well. How do you do it? I don't want to help. You put it in. It's the internet. ChatGPT.

I'll tell you.

You put in a teaspoon and you light it and it turns into a rock.

Not only my peers. The industry, too, though. The industry doesn't know. Like, say some club owner. Let's say a club owner. They're not sitting in the room watching your shows. All they care about are the fucking numbers that come in. I had a club owner once, I said to him, and you're lucky, you're way out of that, but I'm in that.

And then you squeeze it. You squeeze and try to get the ammonia out as much as you can in the rock. So I would get the ammonia, steal a half a gram from him, go to the... Right early in the morning, come back, cook it, pour the ammonia out. Well...

So I emptied out the first bottle. Then it was two or three more half grams. I went and stole another one. Went back to the convenience store, bought more ammonia. After the fourth trip to the convenience store, I go, hey, listen, I got a cleaning business. We need a lot of ammonia. Well, I smoked all his Coke. And all of a sudden I hear somebody yell, fuck! He woke up and saw his Coke was gone.

How many hours had passed? Probably four. How many trips to the convenience store? Four. And I was just drinking straight vodka, right? Whoa. And I'm walking home. Now I'm $250 in debt. And it was towards the end of my career. As a crack addict? As a drug addict, yeah.

It was a crack career. Well, I think I told this story years ago, but I'll tell it. And he doesn't care because he told it in his book. So me and Frankie are doing a one-nighter. And back then, I had the car. You would pick up an act at the Improv and then go do the one-nighter in Jersey. So we pick up this comic, little white guy, whatever.

We go do our one-nighter and we're supposed to drop him off at the Improv. And I go, hold on, I got to make a stop. And we go up to Spanish Harlem. He goes, what are you doing? I go, my sister lives here. She's not doing well. There's people chasing people with knives up and down the street. And I go up and by. crack, free base, right? And the kid's like, get me home. Take me back to the improv.

What the fuck is going on? Relax. So now we go down to the Lower East Side and Frankie gets heroin. Now Frankie's in the backseat tying up, shooting heroin. While you're driving? While I'm driving. He's in the back shooting. And the kid is fucking scared to death. He was a little white kid.

It was David Spade. Was it really? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. He was a little white kid from Arizona. Do you remember when he first started? He tells the story in his book, and I apologize to him. He goes, oh, don't worry. It's a good story. Right? But we kept him hostage as I'm smoking crack and Frankie's banging dope in the car. Oh, my God.

So I said to a club owner once, he goes, I said, look, I'm as funny as I've ever been right now in life. He goes, that doesn't fucking matter. What does that matter? And it's all a quick fix. Right.

I just did a documentary about him. They interview me. They're doing a documentary on Otto and George. Well, we did a lot of those shows, those prom shows with Otto and George. Oh, he was... Yeah. He was... Genius. Yeah, but I'd drive with him to a gig and he would go, do you know what George thought of today? What? You fucking psychopath. You're George.

Yeah.

It was Otto. It felt like George had his own thoughts on things. I worked with a ventriloquist once, and I go into his room on the road, and he's putting away the dummy's clothes in another dresser drawer than his. He's like putting away the clothes of the dummy. Folding the clothes? Yes, of his dummy. Here's a bit I kind of want to do.

You know, back in the day, when there was bank robbers, outlaws, they would wear a handkerchief and go rob a bank. Well, I want to be the outlaw ventriloquist where I go up a little dummy and put a handkerchief. This way they can't see my lips move. But I could say I'm the outlaw ventriloquist and I could do a whole five minutes and everybody's going, he must be great. I can't see his lips move.

Sell tickets. And I get it. They got to keep the doors open.

I'll talk behind the mask. I'm not going to do it. It's not going to work. Terrible idea. Okay. So I threw it out. How come there's no ventriloquist on this planet that gets along with their dummies?

Yeah.

Yes, I worked with it. He was great. He pulled it in fucking diaper. I mean, laundry basket shoots with fucking props.

They're on ships. Gary Delano was a musical act.

Well, there's no magicians. Farantino was a magician. There was a couple of magic acts. Like when I did One Nighters, there was jugglers, juggling Jack Swersey. A couple of magic acts.

Do you ever remember Chips Cooney where he did the fake magic act? No. It was really funny. He would just do stupid stuff. Lenny Schultz was a prop actor. He was a prop actor. Crazy Lenny. He just died. Like about a month ago, three weeks ago. Oh, man. More pigs, Lenny. There were more pigs. And he was just... He was so ridiculous. He was nuts. He was so funny, though.

And it made no sense.

is a good prop act. If you like prop acts, he's the best prop act. I mean, Rip Taylor didn't like him, but, you know, Rip Taylor's from how many fucking years ago? Rip Taylor? Yeah, remember the gay... Oh, with the mustache? Yeah, and throw this... He had the glitter and stuff. How come he didn't like Carrot Top?

Because Carrot Top was getting real famous at the time, and Rip Taylor was... He's a hater. Yeah, was the...

Well, Frankie Pace was a prop act, and he killed.

Killed. You're right. There was... There was more variety in the one-nighters and the clubs. Oh, yeah.

Now, it's just people talking. Oh, the guy from Boston, I work with him. He was so angry. We did a one-nighter. He said, fuck this at a pool hall. Bob something. He had paper signs he would pull up and do a thing on signs or whatever. He was just from Boston.

Did he? Yeah. None of them said quit? I don't know. What do you call it? What's his name? Kills on stage. Josh Adam Myers. Yeah. Kills.