Richa Moorjani

I'm trying that.

The guacamole that's gone gray?

I'll have some of that too.

I will take just enough of each proffered food item that you don't feel like you wasted $400 on people who just want to clean out all your booze.

And I will bring good shit.

I have a serious lack of confidence and I'm always trying to prove that I have good taste and like nice things, especially at a celebration.

I'm going to go to the boutique grocery and stuff my humiliation in my back pocket long enough to ask the person behind the counter to recommend something in the $30 range.

Then I'm going to slide over to the cheese counter and get one of those logs of goat cheese that has blueberry goo in it because that looks fancy to me.

I'll make my way to the crackers section and get a couple pricey boxes of sturdy-looking health crackers covered in nuts and seeds that I would never, ever buy for myself, and I'm mostly convinced that you don't want either, but they are going to look so nice and expensive in your cheese tray that it makes it worth it to me.

If you'd prefer a dessert, I could certainly pick up a tort of some kind on my way over.

A thing I would never purchase for myself because if I'm getting a cake, I am getting a slab of moist chocolate children's birthday cake slathered with an inch of thick, tooth-disintegrating grocery store buttercream.

But that's a weird thing to show up with unless the guest of honor is a seven-year-old.

I have so many good stories.

I won't say weird, off-putting, or challenging shit to casual acquaintances of yours threatening to make your future relationships with them awkward as hell.

I have a deep reservoir of jokes and funny anecdotes that'll thaw even the chilliest of the coworkers you invited just to be nice.

And I know how to land a fucking punchline.

You also don't have to worry about me posting all your business online.

That's right.

You're never going to log on to be confronted by the 10 worst pictures of you or your apartment you've ever seen in your whole fucking life posted by me, not even with the decency to put a flattering filter on your mismatched furniture and trash.

If my phone is out, it's because I'm trying to find a meme to show someone, so I won't be that person trying to explain a visual medium to a person who is already bored.