Richard Feidler

My childhood was changing rapidly.

But the hormones start.

I mean, I had my first orgasm with him.

He explained what was going on and this is what adults do.

And in no way did I think it was...

Well, I always said to my parents, who were negligent to some degree, because they'd met him.

He'd come round for dinner.

I'd gone away to Birmingham to see his parents.

Yeah, they trusted him.

And I'd say, I'm going to be home at nine o'clock.

And I always made sure I was home at nine o'clock.

If they twigged, they never said anything.

Well, I can work it out now because they do say, you know, childhood sexual abuse can take 30, 40 years to come to the surface, sometimes never.

I'm just very ordinary in that regard.

Just that's exactly what happened.

I'm 75, nearly 75 now.

That's...

still I learn how to trust but I'm always a bit tentative about that trust and in terms of intimacy that's always been really difficult and probably still is I don't know I don't go I don't I'm not kind of sexually intimate anymore but you know I have to really trust people to be open with them and I've got one or two especially good friends that I feel I can just be totally myself and not be guarded so there's always that sense of well if I let you in are you going to hurt me

And I don't think that ever goes away.

I've just learnt to live with it.