Roisin Ingle

It doesn't help.

And that was what happened that day.

I'm sorry, I'm jumping ahead here.

You're probably going, why is she jumping ahead?

the day that they told me that it was on my bones because they told me it was breast cancer and I was kind of like oh yeah loads of my friends have had breast cancer I'll get a breast removed and everything will be fine but then when they tell you no actually it's stage 4 and it's on your bones it's a different thing right so I remember coming back and I remember sitting over there and standing in my fridge and it was a beautiful bottle of wine and I was

I literally could see myself like glugging it down and going into bed and just pulling the duvet I could see how in my head that would actually in my head I thought that will make it all go away or at least it will make it go away for half an hour and I want that I don't want to be standing in my kitchen thinking I don't know how long I have to live I don't know what this cancer is going to do where else it's going to go I've got to tell my kids who are about to come home from school I don't want this feeling it's horrible right so reacting to it to make it go away was a natural inclination

But luckily I had some weird voice.

Da, da, da.

Came in and went, that won't help you.

That will make it worse.

You know, I could literally, I mean, I'm not saying it was a voice.

It was whatever you call your inner self or your real true self.

I'm so lucky that something came in that was really like true in me, in my being and said, no, no, it's not actually going to help.

In a really nice way.

Like it wasn't saying to put that wine down.

from your life as a coping mechanism I did yeah and you can understand why people are drawn to it because it numbs those that's what I'm saying it numbs the stuff but what I'm saying is I feel so grateful that in that moment would have been even more likely to do it that something kicked in that showed me really clearly that that was really stupid

Even though I should have known that by now, you know, I only got it that day.

And I'm really, that's the thing about, you know, we talk about my father dying by suicide and my mother seeing it as a gift or framing it.

Like I am big on, this has happened to me two years ago.

And there's things that have happened that I wouldn't have done.