Ronnie Karam

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

How cute.

Oh, very much. Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

In many, many ways, yeah.

Hmm. Hmm.

Annie Gone would give me an issue. She's like, who? What? What? They're like, drunk. She's drunk. She is wasted. This is horrifying in a way, but it's also... Hands down, I have to say the best DUI video I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of them. This was the best. I mean, it was, listen, she might go to jail. This was bad. She got found guilty. It's her second time. This was egregious.

This was egregious. She should not have been driving. It's terrible. She may be guilty of this. We all know that she is now officially guilty of this. But something else she is also guilty of is art. You know, she's an artist.

I love watching True Detective, and I actually haven't seen the Jodie Foster season, so I'm starting that tonight. I'm so excited to get into that.

yeah now we know and you know what now we've said it we're embarrassed so we both apologize because you know i should have known better too i should have been like ben that is judith lieber i know i was like how could i have not known the judith lieber passport holder because girl people love their judith lieber like i've never you know why would i i'm an old navy gay i don't know anything but um i was like wow is it judith light is judith light making these because i've never seen a more famous judith in my life like

Yeah. Crazy. Judith Lieber. Guess what? You're the boss. Don't even anybody ask who's the boss. It's Judith fucking Lieber. That's who's the boss. Yeah.

Gay people showed up to get Ben's door and literally patted him down to find his gay card, and they took it. Ben's not even allowed to suck wieners anymore. They've taken it away from him.

That's huge. And it's even funnier because no one loves, like, global entry and passport issues more than Ben. Like, honestly. Ben has every kind of entry that you can get into every country. He collects them. He's like, are you in this line? I'm in this line. And he, like, moves his shoulders like this to walk over to the line because he's, like, so proud.

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And, like, lines that I've never heard of. So I was shocked that you weren't up on the current glam passport line.

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Okay, so let's get on with this. So, um... We're water aerobics. And Whitney's like, it's actually a great workout and retirees love it. So I thought that Angie and Heather would love it too.

I keep up with enough. I'm not keeping Puerto Vallarta aerobic passport queens in my brain. I just can't do it.

It's all Greek to me. So then now they're like, Angie's like, well, you know, the water takes the pressure off. Am I right? Isn't that the whole point of it? And Whitney's like, speaking of pressure, how about Bronwyn last night? Like, I felt bad because it's hard to see one of your friends defeated like that. You know, because we've all been in the. Whitney. What? Finish your sentence.

I wasn't talking. You were.

By the way, that was... Water aerobics is for senior citizens. It is also good for your health of your joints. So I thought Heather and Angie would also like it.

Water aerobics is good for your joints and senior citizens love it. So I thought Heather and Angie would love it too.

It was so weird because I had to like drive back with a gigantic styrofoam cup full of ranchero sauce to sip on. It's the only way they can calm me down. So Bronwyn's like, no, I, you know, here's, I called Todd and I told him about the attack and he said, it's probably just a scratch. And so he didn't come. And then when he saw the pictures, he said, oh yeah, that was more than a scratch.

Heather's pretty dramatic for someone who's had an entire body transplant. There's literally these people on Bravo have literally had everything removed and replaced. They're like when you're trying to like check a car and see if it's a lemon before you buy it. And they're like, everything was replaced with Japanese parts. Is that OK? These are these are all parts off of Amazon.

Are you OK with that? And you're like, I'm totally I just need something that drives. You know what I mean? So Heather's saying they're used to healing is what I'm saying. Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't wrap that up, but.

speaking of pressure we're so close to friday like i can't even we're so far we're so close yet so far away from friday always wait can i be unprofessional i need to please what do you think i'm doing over here running for president speak

Well, guys, Ben is about to get fired, so I'm going to give you Ben's biggest trauma story. Don, don, don. One time, Ben had to go through the passport line with an unglittered passport by Judith Lieber.

Okay, so then end of flashback and we cut back to the pool and Heather's like, they had to show FaceTime video for wounds to get him to come. And like Lisa described their relationship, like he's obsessed with her, but I've not seen that. Like, I think he's kind of mean to her and he dismisses her. And then we see the bat mitzvah flashback where Tal's like, I was trying to be respectful.

And Bronwyn's saying, well, I told her 10 times that if there wasn't an apology, I wasn't interested.

I love that you come back to Werther's so much. You know, I love Werther's originals. I eat them every day of my life. How dare you?

I mean, yeah, I guess so. I guess it's bad. It's bad that he didn't go to the emergency room. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. Yeah, that's. Well, look, Todd's an asshole. I mean, Todd is an old grumpy asshole. You know, I'm not going to ever stand up for Todd. I think he's an ass.

You know, I save that. It's like, you know, it's like when you're checking out at HomeGoods and they're like, would you like to give a little bit of benefit of the doubt to the children of St. Jude's? I'm like, no, not really. You do it.

i literally doubt that they're sending that money to those children i don't believe them and also they're a giant corporation how about you donate part of your profits and stay away from me guess who i'm donating to my guest i'm just kidding but i do have a good home good story about that later stay tuned ben okay so um heather is like pressure i don't see the respect and love but i can totally relate because i was in a marriage like that okay

you were not it's not your marriage okay so just we this is not time to start rehashing that old man with that old man in a hot tub your husband is still somewhere in a hot tub alone just waiting for someone to come visit playing every time you mention him i feel sad

I don't even know why I'm taking a stance. I just... Literally, you could be like, and then she chewed her fingernails. I'd be like, fingernails? What a loser. Who chooses their fingernails anymore? I disagree. I'm just disagreeing just with anything. I don't care.

So she's like, you know, my husband was an asshole to me and I'm supposed to just be lucky because he didn't cheat on me and he wasn't addicted to drugs. So what's my problem? You know, and she's right that that's not that I'm saying that not all that that's all great.

It's just funny because on this show, if one person is like has a problem, then everyone else is like, well, guess what happened to me? And then they start competing with him.

each other so i guess it's kind of normal right in a friend group you know what your husband used to used to your husband was the ceo of palm pilots well guess what my husband had a pilot pen so i know what it's like yeah my if my husband was a pilot he would have he would have taken brigham young somewhere because i am mormon royalty and we drove brigham young around so suck it

So then Heather's talking about how she's so wounded. We're losing our minds. We've lost our minds. Yeah, people should just turn this off, honestly. Yeah, this is, I think, the only show you'll listen to that actively asks you to turn it off while you're listening. Just spare yourself a favor. Here's what's coming up in this recap. More home goods stories.

Okay, so Heather's like, you know, I'm wounded for my marriage because I put myself in the backseat and I pandered to him. And regardless of how I was doing that, I was betraying myself. And so I can't stand dismissive husbands. And I agree with her. You know, that sucks. And it does suck for Bronwyn as well. Now, here's the thing. He's dismissive, but he's extremely wealthy. Yeah.

so sometimes i'm like okay you need to put it on a scale like could he treat her better of course willie probably not is it worth spending ten thousand dollars every outfit and then literally changing outfits every day maybe to some people it is to me it's not but to some people it is but that's still an i'm just saying you know you can't always give the advice leave him because sometimes the advice would lead you to a two-bedroom apartment and i would rather have the clothes

Great point.

So they're asking about when Mary's coming and all that stuff. And now they want to go eat. And Andrew's like, we've worked up an appetite, eh? Let us go eat a banana.

i love that that's now that is some real house swipery right there okay like wow i am starving we just worked out i am starving let's have a single banana that we can split three ways and then uh heather's like banana i want french toast and cereal and eggs and sausage and which we know she's not going to eat because she's medicated here here's one thing i want to say um as someone who's also medicated i read a headline the other day

That Heather was quitting Ozempic because she was sick of being body shamed and everybody commenting on her body and giving her shit online. You guys cut that bullshit out. Just cut it out. It's enough now. It's been years of this shit. You don't understand what it's like being bigger and you don't understand what it's like having something that can help you.

Just shut the fuck up if you're not suffering from it.

it and leave everybody alone stop bullying everybody for like that you don't like body shaming but it's okay when it's on your terms and you can do when you're offended about something but you know what some of us need this and it really helps it's like life changing in a way you don't even understand and that's fine you can not like it but stop bullying people about it it's just mean and it's stupid and you look stupid and ignorant at this point i'm so over it

And it's been this thing that's been like, okay, for now, what, a year that people have been doing this ever since we, well, it's longer than that since we started it. And it's just like, be quiet. Just leave people alone. You don't understand the mental shit you put people through when you do that. Stop, be nicer. For Christ's sake. If you need to take it, then you take it.

For Christ's sake, stop listening. Because they're going to shame you when you're fat and they're going to shame you when you're thin. They're going to shame you when you eat too much. They're going to shame you when you don't eat enough. They're going to shame you, shame you, shame you. So shame on them. Fuck them. That's what you need to do. Just say fuck them.

Yeah. Girl. Yeah. That's a great point.

That's a great point. I'm going to put my little rock pellets out and you all can just leave me alone. Shame people for their actions.

literally in the same sentence that she's like mad that someone's calling her bougie and spoiled she's acting like this about a canvas bag that 99 of us use

and also it's a good toe bag because yes it is branded which is tacky but it says vita tequila and that means tequila life to anybody to anybody who speaks the language so i think it works even if you don't know what the brand is it's like yes you're living that tequila life baby so you know whatever that brand i love i love tote bags i have too many and i just want more and more and more yeah i'm not saying i'm not just not taking away joy

yeah i'm not trying to get a free vita tequila tote bag i'm just trying to send it to you so why not she's already she already owes about seven hundred thousand dollars to various vendors i'm sure she's got some of those lying around

i mean i still have my bottle of vita tequila that i drink from every now and then so i need the tote bag to go with it lisa god lisa get on the ball lisa you're really slacking over there okay so then um bronwyn yeah does her thing okay so now they pack into the uh sprinter van and uh they're joking around about how bronwyn's chairs

reclining back and they're like shaking her chair and then meredith just leans against the back seat and closes her eyes and just does a little thing

Speaking of pressure. So then Brittany is like, well, I'm not surprised that Meredith is exhausted today. And then we see a flashback where Heather is talking to Brittany. And Heather's like, how are things this morning? And then Brittany's like, well, I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of Meredith crying and throwing up. Dun, dun, dun. Oh, she was definitely exhausted.

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And then the girls get to a boat and it's called the best day. So they love that. And I'm like, oh my God, cheers to the best day ever. And they start dancing and Bronwyn won't dance. So they all dance for Bronwyn and it's awkward. It's as awkward and crackery as we would think. And then, let's see, Bronwyn's like, you know, who cares?

So then they start talking about summer plans and stuff like that.

That's a collecting culture. And Heather's like, oh my God, what about the way he says Jean Paul Gaultier? And she's like, oh my God, he says it with like a French accent.

When she was like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, guys, my daughter is finally talking to me. Well, Jared's not, so I called my daughter back for once. So that was, so then Lisa's like, wait, what? She goes, you know, last night when I was making that announcement, I was like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, remember?

My daughter's finally talking to me after six months, literal crickets, guys.

Are you talking about Rudy's replacement on the Cosby show? Because she wasn't as cute. Are we allowed to say that now as enough time passed?

Was that her name, Olivia? Is that in my head? I'm going to put Rudy's replacement. What if I got that wrong? Are you talking about the mom from The Sopranos? Now, that would have been a cute replacement for Rudy.

Yeah, she didn't replace Rudy, by the way. She just came on after Rudy. You guys, I'm falling down a Cosby show rabbit hole.

Olivia.

I don't remember. Yeah, hold on. Cosby. I don't want to say it wrong. You know what I mean? I was young when that show came out. You don't want to have a Judith Lieber moment. I get it. Do you remember when Olivia came out with Passports with jewels on them? There was an episode called The Cosby Show, Olivia Comes Out of the Closet. What the hell? You know what sitcom titles in the 80s, I can't.

Yeah, Olivia Simone Kendall is a character in The Cosby Show. She's Denise Huxtable's precocious stepdaughter. Why doesn't it say that in big bold letters right at the beginning? Okay, Raven-Symoné, wow.

literally says it in big bold isn't that so funny that like i know i totally know who raven simone is i didn't know she was famous from that i just thought she was famous from that so raven that's when that was like uh yeah okay so who's cuter raven i just live here already

Great, great times, everybody. Wow. Yeah. Exciting times. All right. Yeah, let's get on with her, Ben. This is a video, as usual, over on Patreon, Krappens on Demand. Let's begin. We open in Puerto Vallarta, day two. Heather is in an oddly shaped swing outside of her room. You know, I love that people just keep trying to reinvent the swing.

No, you're such a liar. Okay, I don't believe you're Google. No, I'm going to share you what I see on my Google so then I can look smart. I'm a screen sharer now. Who do you think is a screen sharer in this family? Me. I'm the screen sharer, so I'm going to show you right now. That's my wiener. Sorry, everybody. Okay, do you see my screen?

This is what... Wait, am I showing you... It's like an infinite loop on... Literally nobody cares. Are you guys still listening to this recap? I warned you not to. Why are you still here? Okay, look.

Wait, do you want to? Do you see it? Okay. Look, it just says all this stuff. It's like Cosby Show. This is who Olivia Kendall is. Cosby Show. Olivia comes out of the closet. Nowhere does it say Raven-Symoné. I feel like she should sue Google. Oh, played by Raven-Symoné right here. Okay, whatever. It's small. It's small, bold letters. Whatever, you guys. Get off my ass, okay? Judith Lieber.

Ben, you don't know who Judith Lieber is.

That's so Judith. Okay. Back to the show. Okay, so Brittany's like, yeah, I mean, come on, guys. No one's paying attention to me. And they're like, we don't even know your kid, you know? And she goes, yeah, and we weren't even talking about you. We were talking about Lisa's son.

And she's like, well, I know, but last night when I made the announcement, and Angie's like, not to be rude, but we were just like in this moment about Henry and colognes and him being an only, and now you turned it onto you.

And Lucy goes, Brittany, Brittany, Brittany, I want to tell you something. What? It's weird.

It's weird, Brittany.

and britney nobody likes you and your stories are thirsty and attention grabbing and all you're trying to do is get attention you're a terrible person okay you're not even really dating that guy and your kids don't like you because you choose men over them okay you're a terrible mother and you're not a nice person so be quiet over there and stop dinging your goddamn glass okay jesus christ

Ariel flopped around less. So Bronwyn's like, do you like the idea of telling us you have an announcement or do you just like the idea of seeing your daughter? And it's, which by the way, so good is so rude, but also so spot on of an analysis because all thinking that Brittany's always just trying to come up with an announcement to get congratulations.

Oh, you, Lisa. She goes, I'm looking at you, Lisa, because she's not even going to let Brittany have this fight. She's like, we're not even going to fight with you. Now I'm going to fight with Lisa because you called me a fucking bitch and Lisa's not standing up for me.

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I don't really think it's something that needs to be reinvented that much. This one's a big, flat, round one. I didn't really understand it, but, you know, just cut my ass. You know what I mean? I don't want to feel like a blob on a teacup or a teacup coaster. I just want to feel like my butt is cupped, no matter its size.

Yeah. So then, by the way, she does not defend Lisa. This is such crap. This is another lie at Bronwyn's that she's constantly defending Lisa. That is not true. She's very lightly been like, I don't have that experience with her. But she's never been like, don't speak to my friend like that. Don't speak about my friend like that.

When everybody's coming at Lisa, which is every single episode, she's not like, you stop talking to Lisa like that. Liar, liar, liar. So then she's like, Lisa, we've been friends for 10 years and you have let this woman call me a gold digger, a trophy wife, a fucking bitch, a dumb bitch.

Lisa's like, ah, I let her do it. What? So Lisa's like, wait, what did I let her do? Wait, I'm not responsible for defending. So Lisa first is shocked, but then she's like, oh, I'm fighting now. Okay, sure.

I have to say, you know, I think this is why Bronwyn falls a little flat with me is because this has been every season of this show. And I think that she's watched every season of this show and she's just pulling storylines that it's just like we've already seen it. Like we don't need your version of it. And it's ridiculous. It just doesn't make any sense.

So, Lisa, in my humble, ever so humble opinion. So she was like, you and I had a private conversation when I have said to you, I feel vulnerable and I feel alone. And I have said to you multiple times, I've taken you aside by myself. And I've said that this is bullshit, but I've stuck up for you. I was like, oh, of course you have Lisa. And then Lisa's like, dude, I'm fucking exhausted with you.

Like, I'm just like. I don't think she spoke for a lot of us. I was like, you're too, like, just be quiet. Can we just have one day of you not being offended? Just one hour of you not being offended by something.

yeah well but she's earned it too meredith and have lisa meredith and lisa have been through more of the fire and this girl bronwyn is constantly you like whether you like or not like brahman and i know to lisa most to most people lisa is the villain you know and i wouldn't even disagree a lot of the times but bronwyn has

clearly been all over lisa this whole like she's been finding a reason to fight with lisa and turn everyone against lisa every episode this season so the fact that she's like how dare you i thought we were closer than this what are you talking about you've made yourself a victim like you're throwing yourself in front of lisa's car every episode just get out of the crosswalk ma'am eventually someone's just gonna drive over you you know cars are very strong a lot of people have been saying that lisa's been getting the villain at this season i don't know

Yeah. But most, most people, I shouldn't say most people, what do I know? But a lot of people are driven crazy by that, you know, cause, but that's why I love it.

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Hey, yo, that's going to be my next tweet. Hey, yo, let's see how many people retweet it. That's the first time I'll ever go viral. Shut up. This is going to be my tweet. Shut up.

She's like, there are a lot of animals roaming around the jungle here. It's just so beautiful, Todd. I wish you were here to see her with me.

Are you dying over the text I sent you last night? Well, here's what's going on here.

I sent you a late-night text that was saying, Todd, I'm just very upset because Lisa asked me how I like the rooms, and I said, Lisa, I like the rooms, but I just can't believe that you wouldn't have me by you because I came to be with you, and then you put me in another room with other people, and I just don't understand. Oh, my God, you're going to give yourself a conniption fit.

it's not you're in a gorgeous room you're overlooking the ocean i've never heard anyone in my life especially on this show complain about being too far from lisa barlow everyone else is trying to get bus tickets the hell away from lisa barlow if they have to girl

i hit that bus but one time my mama put me on the bus and she said you're never getting off this bus and when you do it's gonna be a different mama that sees you when you get off because i'm done with you you can't even do a back stand what kind of carny are you loser and now every time i see a trolley i just have to hit it like oh for christ's sake can we just take responsibility

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We'll get to that.

When we talked about, this is her, like, I want to, I want to get the Rose episode. This is if anyone watches a bathroom, you always have to have your trauma to stay on the show. And when you're afraid you're going to get kicked off, this is when you bring up your trauma. They vary, and I'm sure most of them are real, but you save it up. I think they ask you in auditions.

You know, most people, like on Broadway, they'll be like, give me your best eight bars. And you come in and you're like, tomorrow. And you do that for five seconds. But in, like, reality TV, they say, give me your best eight bars, and you're like, mom beat me, dad left me, car broke down, brother looks, you know, brother's hotter than me. And they're like, okay. Goldfish died. Yeah. Great job.

We've already got a couple of mother deaths and father abandonments. Please move to the back next, please. Someone's like, um, an elf fucked my elbow in college. And...

Like, okay, that's good. That's it. Ding, ding, ding. Bring her in. And she's also dressed like a bunny in a bikini. Wow. All right.

She's just passing of flying colors. Fucking men, though. Isn't that the truth? I mean, men, it doesn't matter how old a man is. A man can have nipples dragging onto the ground, be a hairy-backed ape. And probably smell like, you know, milk that was spilt on a counter three weeks ago and still pull ass.

I mean, they will still they might not get out of out of their easy chair for five days in a row, but their dick will still find a way. They could be impotent that we will tape a popsicle stick to the bottom of our dicks and still put it inside of things.

But as the sellers discover, sometimes the home of your dreams can be a total nightmare.

and one of the daughters was tending to it carefully that's the that's the viagra of the past sticks that's how people started getting crooked dicks because they were they were you know tourniqueted around sticks you know so like nature just took over and started bending everywhere nature finds a way the point is that nature finds a way okay so back to the times before we knew that todd was a cheater um which is right now

So she sends that text to everybody. And yeah, so Bron was talking to Todd Bloss. Sorry, I forgot that. And it's like, and you know, and then, you know, she said, Lisa's talking about how beautiful the hotel is. And I'm like, it is beautiful. And I'm glad we're here, but I feel kind of a certain way about not rooming with you.

And then it turned into this whole conversation of her insinuating, I'm not grateful to be here. And frankly, that I'm snobby. That never happened. That never fucking happened. You're a fucking liar, Bronwyn. And like you're enjoyable on this show. I'm enjoying Bronwyn on this show. I really am. But she's a fucking liar.

And, you know, she's going to fit right in here because you've got this show of Whitney's. Well, Whitney, I guess, is the biggest liar.

She's just so offended. And that's a good quality in a housewife generally, but it's like every little thing, she's got a slower roll, you know? So Todd, you know, Todd's like, well, that's just a stupid thing to say. And I thought, God, Todd does really listen to this channel. Cause he knows James, James's famous song. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say.

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We should play that at the end of this episode, just in case people forgot it. James is an asshole, and he's canceled, and we're not trying to uncancel him, but he did have a real banger a few years ago. Ben's going to put it up later. You're a stupid thing to say. So then we go over to Whitney, and she's taking Angie and Heather to water aerobics.

And she's like, every family vacation we go on, Justin insists that we go to water aerobics. And then we see a clip somehow of Justin at a pool in water aerobics. How much does the camera crew follow these people around that they have?

Come on.

Her and Ray are acting like, They are talking to TMZ. The camera's right in their face. And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah. Being pulled over. You're welcome. You're welcome. Hello.

Do you have anything for me to sign? Is that what you'd like me to do? Sign something for me? No, no. You know, what's your name? And they show one where she's in the patrol car and she's asking the cop, what's your name? And he's like, I don't know. Rick, what's yours? And she's like, the granddad. He called me the granddad. That's what he called me. And he goes, the granddad?

She just sounds horrible, because he doesn't know what she's talking about. She's like, yeah, your grandad, Andy Cohen gave it to me. Andy did it. Yo. Do you have a tissue?

well yeah rebecca i mean i disagree that rebecca's bringing a lot either i mean i love her squint and everything but and i think it's fun to talk about her but i don't know that any new person has added a ton uh i agree about raquel like i really like her but here's the difference uh i think in what you're saying is that here's where i would disagree is i think that raquel has tried like she's tried getting in the mix she's like listen i don't like that aaron took all this information and twisted it and tried to make brent look bad and i'm making a stand

I love watching True Detective, and I actually haven't seen the Jodie Foster season, so I'm starting that tonight. I'm so excited to get into that.

she did try to get on on that but it was such a stupid fight that it ended really fast because it was very confusing and then there was one other thing that she was willing to fight about and she tried it and it was just another stupid i was just so bad it's like you're coming into a cast where people don't really understand how to do it you know what i mean it's like being the supporting cast of a bunch of non-lead characters no one knows what they're doing on this show so she's trying but she doesn't have really anything to grab on to so i'm not going to blame her on that now the other ones

Psy is making an effort to be nice. And it's working, but it's like... Well, she needs to have a balance of both, right?

And I actually think- Because they're authentically boring. I mean, we've seen, we know tons of people like that. I know people say that about LA people all the time, that LA people are really fake. And I bet a lot of them, and they are, but then you know them for a while. When you do know a lot of that type for a while, it's like, oh, they are fake, but that's who they are.

That's why they're here. They're attracted to being here. They're like moths that just like beat up against the light. They're just stupid. And they're they just want they're all exactly the same. And that's all they want to be. And that's all they care about being. And they just care about getting into the light. It's like they're idiots, but they're not fake. That's just who they are.

You know what I mean? So they're, you know, they're just not, they're authentically not interesting.

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Okay. Well, we're, you know, that's, that's a huge treatise to write. when we still got an hour left. So let's keep, let's keep on. Let's keep on.

So also, but I know that when people are, and I didn't mean you, I meant us, but I know that when people are really into a show and you come to Krappens, you want it to all be fun and us kind of like loving, even if we're hating it, like loving, and we do, we still have fun doing it, but I'm sorry, I'm not gonna fake it. This show's stupid. So if you don't like listening to it, I don't blame you.

Just skip to a different episode because I'm not giving you what you want.

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Especially when it's told by a full cast like that. Like, it's a full production. It's going to be like a radio play, you know?

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Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

So then they try. And Sai's like, well, let me tell you something.

I was like, oh, God damn it. Did Sai talk about reading headlines? I'm sorry. I'm scrolling. I'm scrolling through the news and trying to watch his show at the same time.

Yeah. So I had to rewind it. But apparently Jenna was telling Cy that she has to get waxed because the hair on her vagina is straight like a wet cat. So now we get to talk about Jenna's pubic hair being wacky.

That's outrageous, everyone. So they do that for a while.

And Jenna's like, wow, I just can't believe I'm talking about this on national television.

We are like so funny. This was definitely a Ramona pooping in a closet in Mexico moment.

The air conditioning is on. So Psy goes to Uba's room to hang out, but Uba has put a nightstand in front of the door. He's like, what are you doing?

there's no lock in this room so that's what i do i do the same thing when i check into a hotel not only i put the lock but if i'm sleeping alone i move the fridge and i put it there doesn't feel like that's up to code but that's mine good luck to you so she's the first person to see the hotel too when there's a fire and she can't get out in time you didn't make refrigerators move easier from the inside terrible

What? Sorry, scrolling. So then Raquel is on the phone calling her mom to make sure she's going to come. And the mom says she's going to come, but Raquel's like, I don't know if she's going to come. And so Cy comes in and, you know, they're talking about coffee and getting coffee and stuff like that. Everybody starts gathering in the kitchen basically.

So Raquel's like, I don't even know how to use it.

yeah so she's like what will you drink coffee no you drink tea right she's like i don't drink coffee i drink tea yeah yeah i was like this show seriously give it 10 more seasons okay so then um they start talking about their moms because raquel's nervous because she hasn't seen her mom and so it's like i'm so confused why haven't you seen your mom in 10 years

And she's like, well, you know, she didn't want me coming out here after COVID. And then I had stuff going on and now she doesn't want to come to New York. And so she's telling us that her mom was making excuses. Like first she was saying it's because she has dogs and she can't find a dog sitter and she won't bring her dog. And then she has anxiety and then this and that.

And Raquel's convinced that if she's still married to a man, this wouldn't be happening.

I was like, I'm so sorry, but this is more mother trauma. This is what the show did not need was another traumatic mother story. We've got literally 10 traumatic mother storylines. Get something new, okay? I need a new factory line of trauma. If you're going to bring me trauma, at least give me fresh fucking trauma.

So then Sai is talking about how, you know, it was really rough with her mom being a drug addict. And, you know, her husband was like, why do you keep having her back in her life? And you're like, well, it's my mom. You know, and even though your mom morphs into somebody different, it's still your mom.

And she's like, you know, and now like I feel a void coming to Puerto Rico because she still resents that her mom gave up on life for drugs. And she gave up on her for drugs, which I think is fair and normal and fair. And so, you know, basically they're like, let's break the cycle.

I'm like you guys should break the cycle you guys should break the cycle of talking about this on every single episode because literally I can't I can't it's very sad for Psy I appreciate her emotional honesty but just listening to you I'm like it's not oh it's just enough because here's the thing and I think it's kind of a generational thing because and it's not not really because Raquel is of art of a generation above ours

But I think, oh yeah, maybe she is. Yeah, she is. And I think, but anyway, the point is it's a modern thing to just like define yourself by whatever your trauma is and to have to trauma. It's like you give each other awards based on your trauma. Congratulations. We all fucking have it.

I think, you know, and I say this a lot on this show, especially recapping New York, but can we just start defining ourselves on our triumphs and what we got over and not what we're,

traumatized by constantly i just it's so boring the leaves you ate at the top of the tree you did it get your leaves girl get your leaves and that's not to discount their trauma or say it's not important i get that it's important but nobody wants to sit here and listen to mine i can sit here for an hour and a half and give it nobody would listen to that shit entertain me i'm coming to you to get away from my trauma okay not to get in the hot tub full years

Right. So basically now everybody starts gathering and talking about pooping and coffee. And then so Jenna comes in and she tells Rebecca, wait, I have a very real question for you. And Rebecca's like, I have a very real answer for you. So you can suck my dick, Bren. She goes, okay, you need to drop that now. Okay. But here's what my question actually is. Are you going to get into it with Bren?

Cause like, I'm just waiting for it. Cause like she's coming at you and it's exciting. I'm really starting to be on this, enjoy being on this show. I love that Jenna's like enjoying the mess now.

Yeah, exactly. And she goes, yeah, it's how you deal with a child having a tantrum. So she was like, everyone thinks I'm bending it over and taking it up the ass. And they do. And it cuts to all the other ladies. Jessel's like, I want her to be Rebecca Minkoff, the big boss bitch. But instead it's giving elementary school like, you're the bully. No, you're the bully. No, you're the bully.

I'm the one with vagina hair.

It's bad that everybody calls her a sugar baby, but then the only person she can think of getting sperm from is someone she claims is a billionaire. And then Rebecca's like, oh, now I can understand why Brynn's upset with me because she wants the baby.

And as someone who didn't get pregnant right away, I fully empathize with that journey, you know, but just don't poke because you'll be leaking out of enough holes soon enough.

So then Rebecca's like, but why do people play these games? That's my question. And Jessa's like, yeah, I have better things to do with my time, right? Like, I have an empire to run, right? And Rebecca just flicks her hair like, I sure do. So then Sai and Uba are talking about, they're just taking pictures of each other, you know, which is... what they do on this show.

And then Marian, the mom and the boyfriend Santiago are arriving and they come in and they hug and hug. And Raquel's like, it's been a while since I hugged my mom. It just feels so good. I hope this homophobic love hug lasts forever. And it's cute. And the mom's sweet. The mom does give a little sigh to me personally, which is cute because I'm liking sigh this season.

So she's there and she's like, wow, great.

The mom's going to rip off her sweater later when she gets mad, and there's going to be a don't tread on me shirt underneath.

it's like erica from beverly hills we were talking about this earlier she's like my mother that abusive she ruined my life as a child by not appreciating me in the school plane now look at me and then her mom comes in she's like hi honey i love you so much i support whatever you do god damn it

That's what I say. So they're talking about that. And then Brynn comes in and she's like, good morning, my little vampire. And kisses Jenna on the lips. And the mom is like, whoa. And then Uber's like, wow, did she kiss her on the lips? So I was like, that's bizarre. That's fucking weird. So then Uber's like, did you kiss Brynn on the lips? She said you're kissing on the lips.

And Jenna's like, yeah, she always kisses me on the lips. I mean, listen, she doesn't have a man. And then Jenna tries to kiss Sy. And then she kisses Uber on the lips. And then Aaron on the lips. And the mom's just like, uh.

I think Parvitt's done that. Hold on, let me call Parvitt. Parvitt, have you dipped your toe in a lady pond? oh oh all right no he's dipped his bond me into ranch dressing before and really like that you can check it out on his latest instagram post what we'll be talking about

More of this. So your daughter is what badly behaved? No, it was an actual devastating hurricane. Oh.

They name hurricanes. Do they? Wow. Wish I could name a hurricane. Have they met my children? I'd name it Katie, and then I'd ask it every day. Hurricane, does Tom Cruise miss you? I would know if we went to the proper preschool.

They're like, read the newspaper, Jessel. Jesus.

Which is pretty funny. And so then Aaron's like, hey guys, wait for Carrothead. Okay, here comes Carrothead. She's like, Jessel lives in Jesselton, which is kind of like Bridgerton, where you're always getting ready for a ball. So like, she doesn't know what's going on, right? Because like, have you seen the show Bridgerton? Because it's like that. But it's like Jessel. So it's like Jesselton.

So...

So then they talk about the hurricane. We're like cracking up. Okay, let's go back to Hurricane Maria. Back to Hurricane Maria, guys. So they talk about how devastating it was, how there was no electricity, no water, the federal government fucked them over.

your favorite quotes is there anything else ronnie that we should have people uh what we should crowdsource from the people on this oh we will we'll be adding some stuff up in the next few days for sure yeah but those are the things that we need the most help with is jogging our memory on that sort of stuff yeah yeah so just whatever whatever is the most fun because you know we delete from our brains our dvrs uh in our brains as these seasons end so of course everybody's giving us the quote um high body count here

So then they get changed because they're going to go out, right? So they're going to go to Old San Juan. And the mom's like, I'm not going in the hot weather. What are you kidding me? And Raquel's like, well, can we just pull out your iPad? Cause I want to try and set it up quickly so the kids can FaceTime you. And she's like, oh my God. So my kids want to meet that or want to see her.

And she's like, no. And I'm like, but they've missed out on so many memories and she can't even set up her iPad. Like, come on. And she's like, mom, did you charge it? She's like, I did. She goes, it's not charged.

It's because it's fresh out of the box. But that's also taking things really personally that aren't personal. Like, mom, you haven't seen my kids and you can't even charge their iPad.

Where are they on that? Straw your kid. I'll talk to it.

I'm starting to think that older people, my parents included, just they understand it. They just don't want to. Like my mom will send me a text that says, call me.

I have to call her. It's like it's hard for her to do. It's like, I can never find your, you know, the proper number. I don't know where to. It's like, just what? And then you call. Yes. And it's the Apple TV, which is kind of confusing even to me sometimes. It's like, why is the screen black for 10 minutes at a time on every one that I own? So just updating. It just doesn't tell you.

Anyway, but yeah, I think there's just some point where it's like, you're my child. And if I want you to update my iPad, you're going to do it. And that's it.

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just saying that she's saying that they're just we're not very emotional just would soldier on all right so then um basically the raquel and her mom are looking through pictures on the phone and you know talking about the heart palpitations and raquel's like maybe it's time to come to new york mom and she's like what get on a plane what if i have a nervous problem a heart problem i got to get on a plane like i have a fear of flying you know that

Of course it's going to be on there. It was a great quote. But it's the most recent. So think back. Think back to what was on last January. And let's start going from there, guys. So maybe we should do like a big list of all the shows that have aired on Bravo and put that on Instagram and be like, here you go.

She's like, but you'll be fine, you know? And she's like, I hope we can take a step forward. So then, you know, the mom's not going to San Juan. Old San Juan. So they go without her. And then we go to shopping. Old San Juan.

yeah um so then um Bryn's like uh sorry it was literally Bryn's like insurers are deserting homeowners as climate shocks worsen literally in the recap I was like CDC confirms first case of severe bird flu I was like oh no and I was like you're doing a recap Ronnie I have the headlines open just to read during this recap and I actually started reading them

bird flu come on that's not fair we're still we just got through a pandemic you know what but that's why i didn't even believe the pandemic at first because it's always like bird flow every year it's like oh my god it's coming again here it comes and i'm like bird flu never gets me you know what i mean they've been threatening me with bird flu for 20 years now stop it it's every year you've got to come up with something new to scare me so then they did and they were like maybe it's like the bird flu i was like i'm not scared and then look what happened you know

Which was terrible. So anyway, Maria, right? God, Hurricane Maria. Those were the days. So then Uba and Sy are shopping together and it's wacky. Literally nothing happens for a while. Can we just scroll till something happens? Because this was terrible.

Let's go to the big pic portion. Okay.

yeah go for it i think we'll we'll we'll we will um we'll figure it's gonna be fun we're gonna do a lot more um if you guys being involved in this so anyway just check our social uh instagram watch what crappens.com we'll leave stuff up there also this is on video today on crappens on demand on patreon it's also where you can listen to our bonus episodes

They're cracking up. She's like, sure, honey, take an Uber Black. I mean, Jesus. Like, this is New York City. Take a train, you know? You can cry all you want. No one will look your way, you know? So then they're shopping around, and she goes, I want to buy my husband something. He's a large. And Brynn goes, oh, my God, your husband's large? Okay. Yeah.

And Jenna's like, I don't think there's anything large about Abe, but that's okay. Sorry. And Aaron goes, what? And she goes, yeah, she said Abe's the large. And then I'm like, I don't think there's anything large about this show.

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Yeah.

And so Aaron's like, oh. She's triple baby. She's triple baby. Baby seal. Baby seal. So then she whips out the dick pic and Aaron's like, so do you think this is small? And Jenna's like, whoa, whoa, I take it back. Wow, wow, Abe, wow.

So they sit there talking about his wiener for a while. And Aaron's like, that's why I have a lot of sex.

But yeah, he would have an issue. Then I guess it would be an issue. I don't really care. I mean, the internet's pretty outraged about it. I don't care. I'm like, wow, at least people are getting worked up over something on this show. That's good. But like, I don't care. And I have a feeling that they probably swing or do something where they're or at the very least share dick pic.

Like she probably shares dick pics with her friends all the time. You know what I mean? Like some people are just like that. I don't know. Maybe we get it more because we're gay and it's not that big of a deal.

Of Sold on SLC, which is what we're covering right now exclusively. So good. The first episode we're going to re-release on the main feed next week at Christmas just so people can get a taste. And then if you want it, come over and listen to it over on Patreon. And I think that's it for now. Right, Ben? It feels good. Feels good. Why don't we dive into New York last week? We're alive right now.

so they talk about they touch each other's boobs and stuff like that because that's literally all we have on this show and then they start ordering some drinks and talking about what they bought shopping and bring us oh i got a dick pic i didn't even have to pay i mean this girl like she's just so obnoxious like can you just make it two seconds without like spoiling the plot

Like, why does this have to be your plot? Like, you can't just hang out with your friends without throwing them under the bus within five seconds. It's like the first thing you do is throw your friend under the bus. It's just tiresome, man. It's like just an annoying fucking person. Like, who is even friends with this person? She's just annoying.

She's like, I don't got dick pics of David. I was trying to get meat mail, but he won't send it to me. And Jessel's like, if the tables were turned and Abe was going around showing pictures of Aaron's giant clit, I don't know, there would be a lot more sleepy people falling asleep to Aaron's clit because you know it's boring. Yeah.

And then everyone's like- Yeah, this group is not like Jessel and Brynn. Because Jessel and Brynn were like, oh my God, this is amazing. And this group's like, gross. Why would you do that? And also it's funny because this is the group that's constantly taking each other's pictures and trying to get attention.

So you would think that they would be the group that's like, oh my God, a dick pic, awesome. But they're like, no, gross, tasteless, classless.

well yeah and also of course it was inappropriate to share your husband's dick you weirdo like sorry don't make that someone else's fault it was your weird you know it was your weird choice so she's like now i'm questioning myself like should i not have shown my girlfriends my girlfriends a picture of a dick pic like i'm a girl's girl we do this um so brent's like i mean it was tasteful

And Jenna's like, it was fantastic. Really. It was so good. I mean, artistically, the mushroom. It was good. And Aaron's like, well, Cy doesn't believe it. And Cy's like, I don't give a fuck what size it is. I don't care if it's small or big. That's your thing. That's your baby. Like, you know what I mean? And Aaron goes, that's a dick. It's not my baby. She goes, that's your man.

That's what I'm saying. It's none of my business.

So she takes a picture of her ugly feet under the table and then starts showing people the side by side of their pictures.

And Rebecca was like, oh, wonderful. And so Aaron's like, oh my God, she sent that to the whole group. And everyone's like, check your phones, you guys. Oh my God, who wore best, Kim K or Jessel? And Jessel's like, that is so fucked up. I was walking around. What do you want? I had sweaty feet.

this show is running on fumes seriously and then she's upset because they're like judging her feet and it's not fair and then everyone's like oh my god her feet are so ugly and then brin's like well that's kind of hypocritical is it brin who was like it's hypocritical like these are the girls who are so offended oh no that's later in the car we'll get to it soon

So they ask Raquel some more questions about her mom. I don't care. I'm not talking about this anymore. Like, I'm not doing it. I don't care if she does. I'm not doing it. Then they talk about Jessel wanting kids again and blah, blah, blah. So then they decide to go home. Then they talk about the mom again and how wonderful. I can't with this fucking show. Okay, so we go back to the van.

And Brynn is like, oh my God, Erin, I love how they tried throwing you under the bus, sharing a consensually given photo of your husband. Yeah, consensual is giving her the photo. It's not showing it, but still, it's another business.

yeah of course which she started this whole thing you know she started it as usual and now she's trying to keep it going so aaron's like yeah it made me like it made me it made them mad that he had a big dick

Yeah, truly. So then Brynn's like, they don't understand humor. They really don't. So then now back at the resort, a lot of small talk, a lot of small talk, tons of small talk. Let's get to this fight. Let's just fast forward to the fight. I'm going through my notes here. Aaron Rodgers, Netflix docuseries, Ten Biggest Revelations. Let me see here.

Hungry redraws electoral map as Orban's party slumps in the polls. Maloney hails Italy's newfound stability.

And let me tell you, you know, it's still a housewife show. So I still have my base enjoyment of it. You know what I mean? Like I'm still like glad I'm not doing nothing. So that's good. Yeah.

Weather action. Okay, so Bren pulls, Rebecca pulls Bren aside. And so Bren's like, you can go first. She's like, well, do you want Erin here?

Yeah, she's going to tell her a twisted version anyway, so just let her hear the real version, you know? Yeah. So Rebecca's like, okay, I apologize. I didn't know you were triggered. And so Brynn's kind of taken aback, and she's like, okay, well, then I'm sorry I ripped your head off. And she goes, yeah, I didn't know you were going through a whole thing.

So Brynn's like, okay, this girl's going to let me have my, I'm sad about not ever getting pregnant, even though I didn't really want to before story into a thing. So Brynn's like, okay, she's going to give me my storyline. So I'll be nice.

So then we transition into her story.

and there are things that i enjoy no matter what i've you know at this point i've just sort of given myself over to bravo and it doesn't matter whether i enjoy it or not we're here and so i enjoy doing this no matter what's going on right so whatever like some are good some are bad this one's particularly bad but i'm still enjoying some of it you know and um so that was enough for me

And she says that she doesn't have kids. And so she freaks out when people say stuff like that, because she understands what it's like to have, not to have kids all too well. And she tells us, she's like, Gideon's not getting his shit together. I mean, he was supposed to go to London to the clinic and give a sample.

And then, oh, my God, I had to pop over to my friend in the south of France to his friend's place. Well, you don't seem like you want to do this, and I want someone who wants to do this. No, you don't. You want a fucking rich person, okay?

You don't get to bag a rich person for his money who you're going to tie up for the next God knows how many years for his money for your child and then demand that he change his lifestyle and stay at home with the kid. That's not how that works, man. Okay. So if you're not going to be able to do this, don't do it. And go find someone real who wants to do this with you.

Stop fucking wasting your time. You're bad.

So you don't love me. You don't even like me. You don't want to be with me at all and give me what I want, which is you. But then you want me to be financially tied to you for the rest of this baby's life when I'm already in my 50s, probably. Sounds great. Sounds like I'm going to get a lot out of this deal. Yeah, Bryn. Sounds like you really sold him on that one.

Yeah. um so um let's see so yeah they make up basically and um rebecca's like you know i get overwhelmed sometimes and prince like i get that but brent's kind of like i don't really want to talk about you because rebecca opens up about her being a mom and you know she keeps going on and brent's like okay i'm bored with this now And so Rebecca's like, okay, well, surface brin's going away.

So that's good. Now I get to finally meet her. And she's like, well, I'm just like in the place of opening up. But it's just like not everybody is willing to do that. And that's okay. Because like not everyone can share and open up like me just because I want. You don't share and open up.

You berate everybody and try and manipulate everything and manipulate and gaslight everybody around you and try and fuck them up and then start crying about it later because they didn't guess what your trauma was. So, no, you're not too open. I don't think anybody would accuse you of being too open, ma'am.

It was like enough. And that's all I can say. I will say that this is one of those ones, Beverly Hills, I watch every minute of. Salt Lake City, I watch. Potomac, I watch. This one, I scroll. It's a scroll show. The real estate ones on Bravo, I scroll. Like I'll watch Million Dollar Listing, but I'm scrolling, you know? And this is a scroll show.

band drama the best kind of stuff so hopefully the show can kind of like write the ship next week because this this episode was a real this one was for a season that's already kind of dull this episode was really really it's just they're treading water just fucking end it it's episode 12 make it a short season why would you take a show that sucks and then make a full season out of it no any other show that sucks on bravo gets a no matter how good the season is they get a 12 episode order that's it

Okay. That's the thing. Andy's been all over this week like, oh my God, don't want to oversell it, but this reunion is amazing. Someone is really upping it in the outfit department. They're upping themselves every, it's going to shock people. Jenna's in a dress. Let me guess, Jenna's gonna wear a dress and it's gonna shock every, I mean, come on, man. Like, just stop.

Yes, why punish us? We're trying to support you. Don't fucking, you're bashing our goodwill into the ground.

as an audience and um my favorite internet comment is this show could have been an email you know it's like the show could have been an email this whole show so um anyway we'll still be back laughing anyway next week uh and the next 10 weeks that this is gonna fucking air i'm sure when do you think the season finale is oh geez oh because we got the holidays coming up it's probably gonna be in the first week or two of january i'm gonna suspect

Okay. Well, let's pray. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being with us. Thanks, everyone, for being here. We'll be back tomorrow. Go listen to Beverly Hills and come back tomorrow if you want to hear us talk about how good Housewives can be because both those shows are killing it. We love you guys. We'll talk to you later. Bye.

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So parts of it, I might be a little fuzzy because, you know, girl, I was scrolling. And if anybody is scrolling currently in this day and age, you know that this world is completely fucked. So it's like going between the batshit crazy news and what they're talking about on this show. And it was a little jarring. But, you know, let's get through it.

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And she's like, you have been rude ever since the moment that we met Bram. And Rebecca really does like those that squints finally paying off. Because when we first saw the squint on Rebecca, we were like, why is she pretending she's so nice? That squint is not a nice person squint. That person is a reading squint. You know, it's a judgy squint.

And not to say that judgy people can't be nice, but that's just to say there's a strong line of judge in there. And it came out today. And I enjoyed it.

So and the girls got mad at her because not mad but they were like a little disappointed It seemed like because they wanted her to really be a housewives like have her bitch moment tell off Brynn And they felt like she was being a little too lukewarm I thought she was perfect because she really put Brynn in her place in a way that was like You're a bad little girl, and I don't care enough about you to yell at you, and you're I'm still not gonna Yes, and I'll even apologize to you if you want me to because you're that stupid

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yeah it was embarrassing like by the end of this episode i was not only scrolling on my phone but i was just like so embarrassed for red like i was mortified i was like this girl tried it and she's not only failing she's just looking childish now this girl's just making her stupid you know

Oh, God, Brian, shut up. OK, let me make this very easy for you. There's things you don't understand about being a giraffe because you're not a giraffe. So you don't know what it's like when someone's like, oh, my God, these the leaves at the top of the tree are the hardest to eat. You don't understand it because you're not eating the leaves at the top of the trees. You are not a giraffe, okay?

I'm sorry. You can't just have somebody feel for you and pretend. You don't get to pretend to be a giraffe and get everybody to pretend along with you. It's not how it works, okay? You are not a mother and you don't fucking understand, period. Go cry somewhere else, you fucking baby. You don't understand what it's like to be a mother, but you do understand what it's like to be a child.

That's for sure.

Yeah, we have to, you know, look, I don't want, I don't want kids and I don't love people using the, well, I'm a mother now, so I get everything that you don't understand. Like, I don't even like kids getting to go onto the plane before me. I'm like, is that a handicap now, being a child? No, get in the fucking line like everybody else.

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I had to buy the early bird to get my seating group A, and now you get to, did you serve in the military? You're a fucking one, okay? You're one year old. Do you have a purple heart? Get in the fucking back of the line. Your mother didn't earn, your mother earned you, guess what your mother earned you? A spot in the C line in Southwest, okay? You don't get to be an A just because you're a child.

I don't even, fuck that. But even I'm like, well, shit. Yeah, it's harder for her. I look at the actual mom and I'm like, OK, yeah, I don't get what it's I don't get what that's like. And that's way harder for her. So I mean, I can sit here with my little game boy and cry in my A15.

And also, Brynn's just starting this fight because she just wants to have a feud with somebody. It's just, like, not organic. It's just annoying. And now she got her big thing where she gets to... It's like, I'm really going to get everybody on my side in the audience by really bringing motherhood into it. Just... You're just bad at this, okay?

It's the 20th time I've said this in the past two weeks, but you're just sucking at it. And it's funny to watch. So then she's like, don't patronize me about motherhood. And Rebecca's like, the amount of attacking she's done to me, I mean, it is like I have just been accused of terrorism by Oz himself. Okay, my purse is right now. Purse is right now.

That girl really needs to take a hike up the yellow bitch road. Am I right? Stupid.

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And Rebecca does a good job here. She just looks at her and she squints and she goes, great. I love that. great so raquel's like i'm excited to see this side of rebecca maybe she just needed a little vacay and brand's like well contrary what am i sound like i actually don't want to fight with you well now you don't because you look stupid because you just lost you just lost this fight so too late

It feels like it.

Okay, well, you don't get to say moving on. You're the person who ran the car into the innocent victim. You're not the one who gets to decide to move on. That's a hit and run. The victim gets up and walks away and says, okay, it's time to move on now.

But you know what? Also, don't. John's daughter almost got to say it's time to move on.

My intent was meant as a sign of inclusion and solidarity. What the fuck? That's not, that's, that is not it though.

I love watching True Detective, and I actually haven't seen the Jodie Foster season, so I'm starting that tonight. I'm so excited to get into that.

It's so stupid. He's just idiotic. And the fact that he even sent this is more idiotic because most people would have the brain to be like, this is terrible. I'm going to write this first. I'm going to type this out and then I'm going to write it and send it. I mean, come on. Yes. But that he knew it was so bad and still sent it is sad.

Because she could forgive somebody who did something stupid, but she can't forgive an idiot. And she will never respect an idiot. Exactly. So he's a dummy. So he's like, but admittedly, wait, is that too much? Siri, how do I spell admittedly? It's crazy. It's a hilarious scene. And he didn't know how to spell it. So with warm regards, JT is basically it. So then we go with Shep and his dog.

Stressful. I'm sorry. The sad stuff that's happening on this show. So Shep and little Craig are getting some food, and he orders his dog human food at the restaurant. He just orders the dog a meal, which Bueller, no. Bueller's not going to ever get it. I'll be like, are you hungry, honey? Here's a stick that I found on the ground. Enjoy that. Have you ever had a straw? It's delicious. Try it.

You should taste that.

This scene was a rough Austin scene because his entire mouth never stopped. His tongue just kept popping out of his mouth and his mouth kept like, like he was eating something kind of, but he wasn't like the food hadn't come yet. He was just doing like stage eating the whole time for some reason on the show. It was so obnoxious. It was hard to watch.

Yeah. It's just, what are you doing? Yeah. It seemed like someone said, okay, you're just standing around a party eating a sandwich. And he's just like, Of course, eating it very impolitely as he does. Only on this show do I say things like impolitely. Who gives a fuck?

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I have credit.

I have credit. I have credit.

okay so anyway so chef's like oh gosh i'm sorry it's just there's there's history with the name madison here you guys have over women of every single name okay there's not a waitress in the world that hasn't had a name of somebody that you haven't over so stop acting like you're uncomfortable with this particular one jesus christ what do you have a conniption fit every time you pass a keychain rack with names on it

You fucked over every name in the name dick scenario.

Yeah, well, it's easier with a 20-year-old, you fuckwit. Oh, and also, I felt like this was a gift to us. You know, it's the audience, but especially me and Ben, because this is our favorite thing about Austin.

Madison! Madison!

Madison! And we got a full Madison montage of Austin squeezing his wiener, going, Madison, you're a saint right now!

So editors, thank you. I took it personally. I took it as a gift. And thank you. I know it's delusional, but I don't even care. I loved it. So then we see a flashback of Audrey and Austin having lunch. I mean, these two are so meant to be together because Austin's like, well, you have big, big brown eyes like a little baby baby.

Oh God, get out of the road.

I don't know. Sorry. That was dangerous. And she's like, she's like a deer. And he goes, yeah, searching for the nearest espresso martini. Well,

I'm sure she sees a future with you too. A future of cleaning your ass and helping you downstairs. You old bastard. Okay. And you know that Ori you see about her? It's called youth. It's like a video game when you're dying and you're looking around for something that's pulsing with any kind of life that you could swallow to give you a little bit more. Yeah. Okay. That's what you're seeing.

You're seeing the glow of a MediPak in Call of Duty.

And Austin's like, that's great, bro.

And he's like, I mean, look, we've been lucky enough to have many wonderful girls come through our lives. To all the girls I've garshed before.

who've traveled in and cursed my doors it's just not exciting anymore and i'll say that you know just like a new conquest or whatever it just isn't and you know shep is really leaning into his like just an innocent little boy thing because his eyes are wide open this whole episode where he's like this girl's just so sweet golly gee what could i do to make her happy course

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, some people think vulnerability isn't manly. Well, fuck that.

Okay, now you're going to be vulnerable because you found a Miss Bahamas.

Hi, how are you?

What are you talking about?

maybe it's not emotionally vulnerable it's just that he opened himself up for mockery is that still vulnerable then maybe that's just i think gre i think i look at craig as just one of the trickier people because he's he's more manipulative like he's better at manipulating than everybody else craig's still a monster i love that people are so snowed by craig you know because he's so charming and adorable and he is his his good qualities i think are really good i think they outweigh his bad that we've seen on this show but his bad are pretty bad too

It wasn't that long ago that he was on Winter House throwing his cash at people going, I'm too rich to clean. And my parents were maids. I'm not cleaning another thing. That was literally five minutes ago. So, I mean, everybody is so quick to forget on Bravo, but I'm not. I'm that elephant who trampled the old lady in the village.

Do it.

Oh, we got an email from one of our recappers, Shelby, which was so funny. And I didn't even write back, which is so rude. So consider this your write back, Shelby. But she was like, oh, I wanted to update you on that story about the elephant who trampled who was trampled by. I wanted to update you on that story about the old lady that was trampled by the elephant. whose son that she killed.

No, it went away. It went away.

This old lady killed an elephant's kid and the elephant trampled the old lady. Okay, she goes, so I want to follow up. Not only did she trample the old lady, she showed up at her funeral and trampled everybody at the funeral too. Isn't that good? I want a poster of that fucking elephant. Okay? Yeah, that elephant is really... That's an amazing elephant.

The elephant will be played by Madeline Stowe, I feel like. So anyway, but yeah, vulnerable or not, they're going to talk shit about Craig now.

So the chef's like, I mean, I'm vulnerable and nobody wants to be vulnerable. I mean, look at Craig. He's never even confided in you about Paige, for example.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So that means that Paige is less. Craig is less vulnerable than you, who's been vulnerable for five minutes. Okay. Then I changed my answer before. Craig is definitely 100 times more vulnerable than any of the other guys on this show.

Yeah. So then Austin's like, he hasn't talked to me. He hasn't talked to me about anything. Not recently. You know, he's extremely wrapped up, Craig. And he's so reclusive. You know, he's like Howard Hughes. Yeah. Playboy, right? No. Vietnam War? No. Does he own the things like the IHOPs? No, that's Howard Johnson's. I don't know. God, I'm hungry. Can I get a Grand Slam? That's Denny's.

So Austin's like, you're right. Because Craig used to be the first fucking call. He was the first fucking call on my call list. But now, he doesn't even answer the phone. I miss him. I miss him. No. Oh, my God. Can we just start focusing on Austin above the nose? Can we just have the camera there? Can we just have Austin be like the neighbor on Home Improvements?

He's just always behind a fence because I can't watch that mouth moving anymore. I can't.

It makes sense. So Austin's like, you know, it's kind of like a big old man PR move. Like, if you see him with a beer in his hand, like he thinks they're like his whole business is going down. His whole business is going down. And he's like, yeah, well, you remember when he was on Adderall to the gills at that time? And he lied about everything, basically.

Yeah, it's called getting your shit together. Like, it's so funny that Shep is still all these years later trying to bring somebody down instead of doing literally anything for himself.

I mean, Craig's not vulnerable like us.

I mean, he quit drinking. He quit doing drugs. He's got a job and a career and a steady girlfriend. What a loser.

It is really funny, though, seeing Craig's TikTok. Because we're making fun of how everything's business now. We just see one of Craig's commercials, and he's like, our bedding is, like, so soft. It's hand-picked by me. Yeah. Cheese boards. Big beverage dispensers. Look, I'm going to pop something in my mouth. Ow. Ow. All right. Well, I shouldn't have tried that one. That was a beer can.

That hurt. Can we do that one over again? Craig, it's your TikTok, stupid. Okay, I won't publish it.

So Austin's just like, I miss my buddy too. I miss him. That's all I'm saying. I miss my buddy too.

Whatever it was. so they you know um they're like well craig doesn't like us anymore is basically the thing so shep calls craig and he gets sent right to voicemail and then we go to craig and pages and craig is skimming the pool whatever craig did in that backyard is fantastic i have to say that looks amazing as someone who's currently trying to get a deck finished

You know, today's the last day of my deck. All the guys are out there right now. There's a whole team. There's a Russian team. There's a Filipino team. There's a Hispanic team. All the guys are out there today. It's like literally corners of all the world back there are working their ass off doing this deck. We're doing lighting. We're doing all this stuff. It is hard, okay? It is hard.

And I saw Craig's, and I was like, wow, that is...

stunning like how does he do that i'm broke like i'm literally broke and mine is going to be possibly mediocre if i try really hard how do you do that his is like the garden of fucking eden bro whatever i want that well it's right come over i'm sorry what i said earlier about you about being a douchebag and throwing your money at people come on put some plants out for me babe

Oh, thanks. Okay, so then he's with Paige. And this scene is the funniest thing because Paige is just sitting at the pool dressed like she's in Hello Darling. I mean, she looks adorable. And she, you know, she always looks adorable. It's good to see Paige on TV. It's been a while. I love Paige. Right? Because Summer House ended a while ago, and I just haven't seen her in a while.

And it's good to see her. She's so cute. So she was sitting there on the phone. Huh? She's so good. She's sitting there scowling at her phone. She's scowling at her phone and just swiping like a teenager. And he's like, hey, babe, I'm skimming the pool. She's like, isn't this nice, babe? Yeah. You know what? Me and Paige, we used to party and stuff, but why would we even need to?

Because now we just hang out together. We're so happy just being together. Hey, honey, what do you want to do later? Shut up, Craig. Love you, babe. Right.

So Craig's like, you know, there's a corner of the green that's a little dirty. Should I blow it off? No. We have such a sanctuary here. Shut up, Craig. So Madison comes over.

And they're in the matching bikini with cover up thing.

It is really funny because she's on her phone. She won't even look at Craig that whole time. He's like, love you, honey. She's like, whatever, shut up, Craig. And then Madison comes in and she just like immediately like swipes down her phone and puts it down.

Have you been out to the world? I don't even, I can't even believe it's not on fire yet. Here's what people are doing on the road. They're just like, I'm done. It's Christmas. They're like, literally, it's like it's robots driving into trees is what it looks like. People just driving all over the road. Is anybody even there anymore? Today there was a checkout lady.

Let's talk guys. If she comes to life. It's so funny. It's like someone plugged her in and she's like, okay, I'm back to life. Stupid's done. Craig, stop talking. Great. Madison, fill me in.

This was so funny too. Cause they're literally like, are you ready to hang out? And they're like, yeah, let's hang out. And so the girls take off their coverups and then Craig takes off his shirt and then they just stand there in the same positions.

We're hanging out now, guys. We've, we've moved, we've removed some clothing. Let's talk. So they start chatting and Paige starts ordering him around for pasta salad and stuff.

So he's like, well, I told Paige about Patricia's. Oh, girl. It's like, I'm just saying like JT's saying crazy shit. The only sentence that Craig said to me was like, oh my God, JT said to people like JT and Madison hooked up and I go, no one thinks that genuinely.

You ain't going to disrespect my boyfriend and you ain't going to disrespect corn.

Well, anyway, he'll have to have you and Brett and Hudson come over and swim. We'll have to have you. And Craig's like, yeah, how are you? And she's like, great. But, you know, Brett has, she just drops it.

They're like, what? She's like, yeah, I know. But, you know, she's saying you don't just want everybody, especially people in this group, really involved in your shit, you know? And I guess I don't blame them.

He had cancer. Did you not know? She goes, no. But it also could have been something that he was telling her like, babe, did you know that Brett had cancer? Oh my God, that's terrible. While she's just scrolling through her phone.

I think she tried to scan my head at the store. I was like, girl, we just all need to quit our jobs because it's over for all of us. And I feel bad for anyone listening to this podcast right now because this is going to be mayhem because Because this is one of our last things we're doing this week. We're doing this. Yeah, we're doing this.

Yeah, just drops it in there somewhere.

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And Paige is like, how dare he insinuate that you might find him attractive? This is disgusting. I mean, what's, okay. Pretend I'm Barbara Walters. Okay, this is a microphone. What made you cry harder? Finding out your boyfriend has cancer or JT thinking that you would sleep with him? Be honest.

While she is completely in the right, she just really goes solo. Like, it becomes so mean that I'm like, oh, God, poor JT. I mean, it really is just like, he's ugly. He's disgusting. What is he trying to do? Chase children off of his bridge? I mean, Jesus Christ, what a troll.

And then we're going to do a summer house trailer trash for next week. And probably a bonus. So we'll be here all day still recording. But it is going to be Looney Tunes because we know this is it.

And that's hard.

And it's not only like, you know, you were a jerk for saying something. It's like, you're a jerk for even having the audacity to think I would ever be attracted to someone as ugly as you, which is just like, yikes. I mean, that takes it to a different level where I'm like, please don't make me feel bad for JT. Because that's not the spot I think you want the audience to be in at this point.

Like, you guys are on the level where you're getting what you want, but don't take it so far that everybody's going to switch around and then feel sorry for JT, you know?

So now let's go to Wolfgang. It's a dog store. It's a dog store, guys. Don't worry. No one's playing the piano here. Okay. No one is playing the piano. So it's the most effervescent gaze of our lives. Rodrigo and Tyler. Let's do it. Let's do this, guys. Let's do it. Smells delicious in here. Thank you. It's a secret. Oh, no, it's the lady who works there. She goes, thank you. It's a secret.

It's wet dog hair. Y'all get it right, you're gays. And they're like, that's so funny. So we're having a 13th birthday party for our dog, Bella. So we wanted some treats we could serve them. Do you have cakes? We do. Peanut butter, oats, doggy dog, dog, dog, dog, wet hair cakes. We can try that again. You got anybody? Gay laughter? No? Okay.

Well, you're taking the fun right out of the word gay, aren't you? It just means homosexuals now, doesn't it? Okay, well, I'll just stick with that then.

So he finds a little cowboy hat for a dog. And he's like, this is because we're going to have an inspiration with Dolly Parton. So we're going to have our party called Doggy Parton. And she's like, oh, that is the least gay name I've ever heard anybody come up with. I mean, you even made Dolly Parton sound unfun.

Can I find funner gays?

Okay? Okay, you can order a tiny cowboy hat. I'm going to go here on Postmates and see if I can order some fun gays. Okay? Let's see what gets here quicker.

You know, like, it's really fun, like, playing with them for a minute. But it's really good when you get to put them down. Like, what? I've never heard of a fixation. I mean, it's nice. It's nice, right? But it's also like, what? I've just never heard of that. We're really into adopting senior dogs.

That is actually nice because, yeah, they did say that they adopted this from an older woman who passed away. That is actually really cute.

Here's what I really like. I like a dog that snores really loudly all day. Which I have to say, Bueller's in that era right now. Well, he was born in 2012. So what does that make him? That makes him 12, right? So he's 12. I keep saying 13, but I think he's 12. So Bueller is in that kind of old man state right now.

And it is a nice stage to own a dog because it's literally it's like, hey, you have to throw the ball two times a day. That's it. Because he's exhausted after that. And then all he does is lay there and snore and look cute and then cuddle with me. That's great. I mean, that's a really cute era for a dog, you know. Yeah, no, that's, that, that.

Do not leave me.

Bro, I think we're talking ourself into senior dogs right now. I'm like, these guys are so stupid getting senior dogs. What senior dog? Now I'm like, I want old ass dogs only for the rest of my life. This is like a good trend.

It's just everybody has dropped the mic already. It's like work is already done for everybody. They're just done. But the Karen Huger thing, we won't be doing the Potomac recap, but we did do a mini recap of her arrest story. That's on our TikTok and our Instagram and our YouTube. So that should be up now. So go check that out for our take on that stuff.

I do not want those dogs. They're the worst. Yeah, I don't want those. They're just humping every pillow. You can't get a new pillow from HomeGoods because they're humping it. It's like, that is not your girlfriend.

You're doing kegs, you're doing like milk bone stands on your head. So- I would get like the president of the drama club dog. So they're going to have 12 dogs at this party. And Tyler was like, well, what about humans? Is anyone's going to come? Or I mean, like, what's that about?

And he's like, well, you know, after talking to Austin, we just felt like it was better to like pump the brakes on having JT there, you know?

and um so we so tyler's like well so he's in the dog house is that what you're saying and the lady's like that was an attempt you attempted something and for that here here's a milk bone it's milk bone with the bow on it okay put it in your hair just you know just keep calling yourself gay and trying maybe you know what fake it till you make it that's what i say gays um you know what

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all of a sudden look at this austin all of a sudden is now like just oh yeah good old austin like people just forget he don't forget everyone he's a douchebag and you shouldn't be going to him to find out who should be coming to your party right but austin did tell him that he called patricia a bitch and you know any gay in town's gonna be like oh yeah you don't fuck with that oh yeah i'm sorry you will not be coming yeah he told him so he's like here's the scene right here yeah we see a flashback literally he is banned so then we go to patricia and whitney's house and um

A letter comes through the mail slot and Patricia goes, that's the mail slot.

That's where I put Randy's hand through and then I walk to the other end of it and just start hitting it with butter knives until it does what I want.

Well, I can see what it is, mother. I just, it's a, it's a, it's a, a navy blue envelope with a black pen. So you got to look at it like a hydroglyphics, but it says, I think to miss Patricia from JT. Well, how does he expect anyone to see this? Randy, get in here. Sorry, ma'am. I'm still tied to the radiator. God damn it. Randy, untie yourself.

That's the last thing they want to hear in the South. I'm not doing it. State's rights, am I right? Hey, Whitney, could you press that little button next to you on the coffee table? Sure, Mom. That was so funny. I had some ice water hanging in a bucket above where Randy is tied up. So funny. All right. So let's read the rest of this. Well, inclusion. Okay.

Well, I didn't realize he was giving everybody a cane. But, I mean, I can still do handstands and cartwheels and push buttons. Watch.

Ah!

what a pussy she's an icon she really does and they don't get it she goes oh my god look at the handwriting yeah it's exactly like you said if she thinks you're an idiot it doesn't matter what you write yeah and when he's like looks looks like it was written by a 10 year old J.T., you know, he's just like an annoying gnat.

I mean, I don't know anything that he could say or write that would interest me at this point. But letter writing is a lost art form. So in that respect, it is a nice gesture. Now, can he write? No. But he tried. I like that she at least gave him that point, you know.

apparently another lost art form is giving your mother grandchildren whitney mother it's not about me right now so it's like mother is it is it is it even confirmed that he called you a bitch well i'm assuming it's true but i don't know because it wouldn't be the first time that's for sure i mean city council just convened last week good lord half of the

meeting was spent calling me a bitch so you know getting lines what i say you know lines are a lost art form so lord knows that hint that handwriting needed a few lines to write on

So we see that scene of Craig in 2017 talking to his therapist, who basically looks like shocked Pikachu the entire time. He's like, yeah, I can convince a lot of people of anything I want to convince them of because I'm a great liar. And she's just like. Do you really?

Yeah. So Patricia's like, oh, you know, I hate, I hate, you know, I know that you hate when I speak French, but listen, the aim now is just an intent cordial. So just to be cordial is what I'm trying to say. And he's like, okay. Homewards and upwards, you know. Oh, right, right. Mother, say it. All right, Whitney. Jesus Christ, you overeducated little fucker. Go impregnate somebody already.

I'm exhausted.

So they make small talk. He's like, I'm just so glad you're here. She's like, me too. So he's like, yeah, I just I've never dated anyone quite like Sienna. She walks into a room and you're like, whoa, who's this? Thankfully, she's always wearing a sash.

So, you know.

well i have this fantasy basically you know in my mind we're not living in the bahamas with her for the rest of my life and i just surf and i fish and we'll have kids or something they'll run around the island you know i just oh god chef of course that's you're sorry craig did it first craig did it first sorry craig did the like eat pray love and bahamas thing and came back and started a business so find a new fantasy correct uh shep

Yeah, I just... I don't know. I kind of feel bad for Shep, but then, I don't know. Then I'm like, you're just wasting your time. Stop falling into the trap. I need to stop falling into the trap. It's just so sad. It's a midlife crisis.

When did you get out of my room? Wow, c'est la vie. I can't believe you know that. How's your French?

And she's like, j'ai parlé français, tout le monde.

Oh, wow, Goosebumpios, am I right? Entente!

Okay, let's get on with the show, shall we? Southern Charm, season 10, episode 3, Gone to the Dogs. My first thought. God, the music on this show really is top notch. And we say it every season. They go above and beyond. I mean, you know, in old movies, how you see movies about how old movies were being made.

So square Paul, uh, pond or whatever.

I'll bet they did actually. Cause they showed a couple of, of door girls that we didn't see. I wonder if they were like trying to try, decide which show to put them on. Cause there's a lot of cross poly here.

Hmm.

Yeah. So we also like that. That's my industry term. Cross poly guys. That's what we, that's how we say it in the end.

Polly, who likes to cross streams with other girls named Polly.

That is pretty cool, actually. I was not expecting that. I was absolutely not expecting that. And so her and Gaston are both kind of in the medical industry. Who knew? I thought you were just supposed to be bimbo trash to be on this show. And I mean, both of them, himbo bimbo trash, you know, but no, they're like, actually, they got it going.

Now, how long before she gives that up to try and sell spritzers to Leva? Who knows? We'll see. Oh, gosh. I forgot. They're talking. It's so funny that Taylor's still on this show because she really is just like a wet blanket. She's like... Yeah. So it's like crazy. She sells medical devices. It's so neat. So like, what's it like? Oh no, this isn't her. Who's she with? She's with Molly.

Sally is kind of like this too. They've got a lot of, they've got a lot of blondes who are, they've got a lot of monotone blondes happening right now on the show.

yeah so um basically they're talking about the boys and molly's like you know whitney can be an insensitive asshole but whatever i could just kind of talk my way around it in my head like maybe he's just flirting when he's calling me fat oh fine love that for me great love that

and molly that molly's excusing it she's like you know when he could be an insensitive but i kind of like talk my way around it in my head maybe that's what i was just saying like maybe he's just flirting you know like i love that for me so then molly's like yeah okay well shep you know shep was talking about you a little bit she's like well what'd he say so then um we see um

Shep and Sally were telling the same story about each other.

So Shep's telling it like, whoa, Mustang Sally, she used me and I liked it. Roar!

And you see basically a whole orchestra that just sitting there playing with the movie as it goes, you know, scoring it live. That's how the show really feels. And whoever is playing the instrument that goes, doink. What instrument is that? I forget what that's called. It's a percussion. Yeah. It's like a specific thing. Who plays that? Because they deserve a Grammy Award.

And so then Flash, Shep's version is like, yeah, but I was like, I want to stay here.

And she's like, no, you're not staying here. Who can you believe in?

So I get in the Uber and the Uber's like, what's up, bro? And I'm like, something just happened.

Yeah, Taylor said that he maybe isn't the kind of guy who cares the most about pleasing a woman.

Okay, I know what dreams are really like. So now they start talking about the dog party. Is Gaston going to be there with Taylor? And Sally's like, oh my God. Like, obviously I don't have anything good to say about him, but like, that's my story. You know, that doesn't have to be Taylor's story because me and Gaston dated for three months and he was like my person.

You know how you are when you're dating somebody for three months. Like you're my person. We were basically married, but you know, um, he was cheating the whole time, but it doesn't mean he's cheating on Taylor. I mean,

Yeah, which is weird because I thought he was thirsty to be on TV. So I'm not really sure what's going on. I'm not reading the situation properly. Is he waiting for his moment? Like, what's he doing? What are you doing? What are you doing, you thirsty man?

What?

I don't need that. Yeah. Taylor, Taylor doesn't really know how to pick them. So let's see how this goes. So now it's the doggy part in time. And so we hear the story about the gays adopting the dog from an elderly woman who couldn't take care of the dogs anymore. And so he's like, yeah, I love dogs more than humans. So, well, yeah, look at the humans you hang out with. I don't blame you.

Yeah. So now more people arise, arise, arrive. They're arising! People start coming out of the ground.

I don't know if he even exists. Well, he's not here. I mean, who is he? Is he real? And then Molly and Sally come and I don't know. It's an arrival scene. You know how it goes. So Sally's like, so Taylor, it just keeps cutting to Taylor to make like drama. Like, oh, Sally just came in. Let's get Taylor's reaction. But Taylor's just like sitting there kind of bucktoothed like,

They're so talented with it. They did such a good job in this episode. And that's like JT's instrument. You know how they have like Peter and the Wolf and every character has its own instrument or whatever. Like someone's the flute. And then, you know, whatever. JT is that... So good. You guys are doing so good on this music. So, so good.

And then they'll show Sally hugging somebody, and then it'll cut back to Taylor, and Taylor's just sitting there with a deadpan. It's so funny. They're trying to make Taylor into this huge soap opera star, and there's literally nothing there. It's like the shades are down, you know?

So then Taylor is dressed like Bret Michaels and she's like, yeah, rock of love, baby.

You swallow your goddamn words.

That was an amazing piece of television. That was Americana. What are you, even an American? Get out. Get out of my country. You don't belong here anymore. I'm done with you.

Rock of Love was amazing. I hope they do it again. Diabetes. I love that show. Diabetes. Diabetes. I got diabetes. So then, you know, lots of small talk and stuff like that. Love It Comes. And, of course, she's super fun. She's like, like your cowboy hat. And Roderick goes, like, yeah, we stood up all night bedazzling it. She goes, really? He goes, no, we bought it like this. She's like, oh.

just you know barrel of fun so then um uh we see little craig i mean everything's like super cute guys so now leva's like oh my god is shep coming with little craig and tyler's like yeah and then are they bringing the girlfriend what's going on what's going on what's going on with jt and so jt rodrigo's like i'm not inviting him you know like there was a certain level of bombast that wasn't necessary

Phrases like there was a certain level of bombast that wasn't necessary there. So I need more of that in my life. I'm going to start talking like the people in these shows. Like, well, man, could we could we lighten up with the bombast?

Okay, lady that won't hide Mia and what's her buns back on Southern hospitality over a fairly minor infraction. Okay. There we go.

So she's like, I don't know. Let's just play the devil's advocate. And Taylor's like, yeah, that's just not JT. I mean, his whole storyline last year was standing up for the women. So the fact that he's just coming around and being like, that woman's a bitch and this one wants to fuck me is weird. But to be fair, JT's annoying, but he didn't say that he thinks Madison is trying to fuck him.

And that's what everybody else is saying. They're saying that he's assuming that Madison wants to fuck him. That's not what he was saying. He's saying... The boyfriend thinks that he was doing something or he was acting fishy or inappropriate with Madison. And that's what he's being called about. It's not that Madison would want to fuck him. It's that the boyfriend is suspicious. That's weird.

Yes. Which is true. Which we find out is completely true.

So I'm the original beta blocker. So then Leva is talking to Taylor and they're talking about the girlfriend, Shep's girlfriend, and she hasn't met her. And Leva's like, is that his girlfriend? And Taylor's like, I think that's one on his roster. And it's like, and then it cuts to her soap opera face, which is like this. It's like she just sharted.

It's just that plane, like one tooth sticking out, staring off into the distance.

Ow! I tripped over a rope and it dropped a paint can on my head.

Garsh! So he's like, you know, I haven't heard good things about Gaston.

If he was a stock, all the analysts are saying, sell! I haven't met one analyst who said, buy! I'll leave it at that. I wouldn't buy that stock with my daddy's money.

So then Tyler is asking Taylor, she's met Sienna yet. So she's like, no, that I should, but I don't want to like go up to her, you know, like say what? Like, hi, nice to meet you. So, so, I mean, I talked to Shep, but like, I would feel more comfortable if he was like, I want to introduce you. But of course he's being awkward. Cause like, I don't want to be awkward. Just introduce me.

Like, I don't care. Like, what am I awkward? I'm not, I'm totally fine. Look at me. I'm totally fine. I'm great. Everything's great. Yeah.

I'm seeing this funny. Cause she goes, oh, hi, I've heard so much about you. She goes, oh, thank you. Well, hopefully good things. And she goes, mostly. Yeah.

I know it seemed like she was being bitchy to Taylor, but I took it as her bonding with Taylor being bitchy about Shep, almost, in a way, if that makes any sense. She was like, yeah, of course he's bitching. What an idiot. You know what I mean? But I don't know. So I'm hoping it was that way. I guess I'm hoping that she's more of a girl's girl. But then Madison's like, oh, okay.

So they're like, I guess we'll see how this turns out. So then Sienna motions to Shep and Taylor and she's like, oh, wow, look at you guys. You have the same scarf on because they're both wearing a red bandana.

But I think Lisa Vanderpump still wins the dog thing because this show isn't really trying to stop dogs from being turned into quesadillas. And Lisa Vanderpump is really big on, you know, keeping dogs out of the Subway sandwich shop. So I think that she wins. But, yeah, I love a good big dog event.

And Shep's like, oh, well, this wasn't coordinated. Barely know her. Who is she? I don't know.

Yeah. And that was pretty creepy. So then Molly's like, are you okay? She was asking Taylor. She goes, yeah. I mean, I just met Shep's girlfriend, question mark. And Molly's like, well, I asked Whitney how long they'd been seeing each other. And he said six months. And Molly's like, no matter how over someone you are, like seeing a guy walk in like that, that's rough.

I mean, that can be triggering. You know, it can be bringing up old wounds. I mean, I wouldn't like it. That girl's hot. That girl's hot.

Oh, wazoo.

That girl's hot.

If this was Southern Hospitality, TJ would have just splooged all over the screen.

So I just love that he narrates his own life for the TV. He's just so awkward at this, you know? So then we go to him calling Madison.

Yeah, nothing really happened. But a lot of intrigue of people meeting people and people. And this is very ensemble-y today, the way they're doing the show today. They literally show everybody on the show and then bring them all together. And everyone's awkward because everyone's new to each other. So it's actually kind of a reset this season, which is odd.

It's like a bunch of the same people, but they're all in new situations. And I don't know, they did a pretty good job setting up a new season.

Well, this time they're doing a good job because they're not just – usually they try and mix them with a more powerful person or a person who's been there longer, right? So it's like Taylor can only be shot with Shep in some way or Austin. They have to be shot with somebody big. And this time they're just like, okay, let's just have a scene of the newbies at the dog store.

And then let's have a scene with these newbies taking a walk around the lake. Like they don't care. They're just like – We're just going to let, we don't care if the audience doesn't know them. We'll just let them figure it out. I mean, it's interesting. It's an interesting way to do it. It's pretty good. I think it's working so far.

Yeah. They're like, let's just put random people walking around. Not Vanita though. You know, let's just keep Vanita steaming a shirt. We got the steam. That was pretty good. All right. That's good math, guys. So Madison and JC go to meet up at a coffee shop and it's, I was mad.

No kidding. but we do get the Amazon package. So that's good. Cause JT is opening the Amazon package. So, uh, so they go meet at this coffee shop and, um, he's like, I'm just going to have some water. You know what? Tea would be welcomed. Okay. Can you just order the fucking tea, bro? So he goes out and, um, this is awkward as hell. This scene, this is so awkward. Um,

So we see flashbacks to what he's talking about, the Craig stuff and all that. So Madison's like, well, you know, I feel blindsided that I thought we were friends. It has never been anything more than that. And I'm sorry, J.D., but are you blind? Have you seen my husband? Do you really think that for one second I would trade corn for... For an avocado? I mean, look at yourself.

You can't even be left out on the counter for a day without turning squishy.

Nobody wants you, avocado, okay? I was born for corn, and my husband is corn. You are hideous. You are disgusting. You have the face of a dog and a beaver mixed.

You look like a dog and a beaver made a baby, and it's disgusting. Go build a dam and chase a stick, beaver dog, okay? Leave me alone.

Dun, dun, dun, JT was correct. What JC was right, JT said was right. He did call and he did insinuate that something might have been going on with them. So that was weird. Now, the fact that he came on and went so hard with it with Craig and Austin was not the best way to go about it and really stupid. And I hate even sticking up for JT, but he wasn't really wrong.

By the way, how offensive is this? So he is jealous, but also what's really probably devastating, and you see that JT has just like really been dissed. Like JT is really being not only read for filth, but just talked down to and just such a bad, like it's demeaning, you know? And I'm laughing at this JT, but it's also sad. And it's so sad because it's not only like,

I don't want this whole thing wasn't about me wanting to Brett being jealous of you. Who would be jealous of you? This whole thing was about Brett being jealous of Austin. And that's like, ouch, that's really an out, you know, and you just see his face fall. He's like, yeah, I have no idea. Like, he's like, I'm going to go out of here limping on both legs.

Let me tell you what happened when I called mom the B word. Can I get some help from the orchestra? Thank you. I think enough is said there. So he basically says, listen, I'm sorry. I said what I said to the boys about how I received the FaceTime call, and I didn't know how to handle it. And I wish I'd come to you. And I'd like to leave it there. This does not need to go further.

And she goes, wow, you are unbelievable. I thought that was a pretty good apology. I mean, what the hell? I thought so, too. She said, I don't even know why I'm wasting my time. Because she has decided now he sucks. She needs somebody to hate on this show. Madison's really nothing without somebody to hate on. And she's got him. And she's like, I'm not letting this go, basically.

Thanks for nothing. I'm going to torture you now for the rest of the season. Have fun, sucker. But also, we have to remember, this is Craig's fault for how he set everything up. And in this moment, she's just like, I'm not believing you, you thirsty idiot. You called her a bitch. You basically insinuated I was a slut, and you're not going to talk your way out of it.

So I don't know that I even blame her because Craig set it up in such a way that he's really not going to get out of this hole, right?

Okay, well, thanks so much for being here, everybody. We will be back with Southern Charm in a couple of weeks when it comes back. And we sure love you guys. Have an amazing holiday, an amazing new year. We love you guys. Thank you for everything you do for us on this show. You know, you give us the best life. So thank you for being here with us. We really appreciate you guys, and we love you.

Yes, there will be a break for us, a few days for us. But Krappens will be on every day of the week, baby. So come on back. We'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.

That's what I have to say, because I've tried to steam with my clothes on too. And that never works out for me. And I have little tiny nipples. They've turned into like little toaster toaster dots. And it's not fun because I have steamed my nipples. Okay. Not steamed them, but you know, you hit them with the iron part and your shirt.

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Um, that's not good, but I like that this show is still just reminding us that Vinita is here every episode at the beginning. And then we never hear from her again. Like the last episode, she at least had a scene where she was talking to JT about how she wanted to go to lunch with him and stuff. But mostly it's like, here's Vanita steaming something. And then that's it.

You really never hear another peep. Yeah. Here's our resident dog talker tour.

Oh, you wanted the end of the storyline?

Like they opened... They established a shot with the leaves, but then they didn't show you what happened to the leaves. And so you feel... It was like a snow globe. It's like Chekhov's leaves. You're like, what the hell?

You can't, you can't introduce a leaf blower and not have it finish the job. Come on.

man this is drama seriously seriously well i will say this my uh suspicion is that gaston's just a user piece of trash douchebag because all we've seen of him what gives you that what gives you that impression he's named after the beauty and the beast character i don't care what anybody says from europe okay you're you that is a very common name where you're from in america he's a douchebag i'm sorry that's just how it is especially when he was born at the time he was born

If his parents are American-born parents, then those are people who named him after the character Gaston, which destined him to be a douchebag. Period. That's just it. You guys can argue with me all you want, but that is just the end of my story.

So anyway, Gaston's a douchebag just because of that, and also because he just kind of dates everybody who's TV-adjacent trying to get on these shows, and here he is. Now, that said, I would like to kind of hedge my bet... Well, okay, look, here's this. He's probably a douchebag, but, you know, he's a douchebag that I would keep in my house because he comes over with a leaf blower.

And you know what? You can use me, but if you're also doing services, then I feel it's fair.

But as the sellers discover, sometimes the home of your dreams can be a total nightmare.

Well, she didn't get to do anything on Southern Hospitality. She showed up, got slut-shamed, and got sent away. And that was pretty much it for her job there. She showed up as someone who banged Joe Bradley, and then he told her off because she also banged somebody else within, like, what, a 24-hour period that he knew. Like, didn't Gaston live downstairs? Yeah.

It was Gaston that he that she banged at that time. Right. So it was. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. Sally. I mean, Sally was just making it to every Bravo show. She was just looking at production schedules, just showing up and doing what needed to be done. But yeah, they slut shamed her and then she was out. And I felt like that was unfair.

And she also, she not only got slut shamed, but she got guilted about disrespecting Joe's grandma's Parmesan because she taught him how to cook chicken Parmesan. Wasn't it that he cooked his grandma's special chicken Parmesan for Sally and then she did this to him?

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Yeah, it was just so cringy because it's just one of those soap opera scenes which we see on these shows sometimes with people who really don't have anybody in their lives. I mean, we see it with Garcelle a lot. Like this week when she was like... Oh, here I am on the internet looking at the credits of my new film where I'm an executive producer, which touches me so deeply.

I wish my mother was here right now to watch me squeeze out this solitary tear. Wah, wah, wah, wah. And JT's having that scene right now by himself where he's like... Well, I guess I should take some insulin. Geez, now I must write a letter to Miss Patricia. Here I am taking a pen and putting it to paper. Who knows how to write a letter anymore? How shall I go about such a thing? Come on, guys.

Really? This is what we fall into on this show. And poor guy cannot write. He does not know how to string English together. And I blame George Bush. Who do you blame for the education system just taking a turn for the worst?

What is Karen driving down the road? That's what anyone in the car with Karen screams. Deer! Deer! Whoops, whoops. Get out of the road.