Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)
speaker
1,179 appearances
40 recordings
3 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard Jun 2025
Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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But before he sailed with the Navy, he sailed with pirates. That's right, American history has Asian veterans and Asian pirates. I'm blowing your freaking mind today. What's next, Asian werewolves? No, that's beneath us. Let's fast forward to America's Civil War. The first one, not the one currently happening every day in your Twitter feed.
The Civil War is where Chinese American soldiers began to make their mark. Of the roughly 200 Chinese Americans living in the Eastern US at the time, 58 of them served in the war. That's 58 out of 200. Can you calculate the percentage from that number? It's easy.
You just cross out the zeros, you move the decimal point over, you flip the whole thing, you multiply by 100, and you plug your phone and use a calculator. Math is easy, especially for me, a teacher. One of the most distinguished Chinese Civil War vets was Joseph Pierce.
He rose in the ranks to corporal, the highest rank of any Chinese American in the Union Army, which I can also relate to because I am the highest ranking Asian at The Daily Show. Though sadly, I do not have as many confirmed kills. And yeah, there were white soldiers in the 1800s who were taking orders from an Asian guy. Because those guys were hashtag allies.
and they didn't even need to brag about it on Instagram. All right, Julia? We get it. You taught your dog Cantonese. But not every veteran got what they deserve. Edward Day Cahota was a Chinese immigrant adopted by an American ship captain who fought in the Civil War and then served for another 26 years. But get this, America still refused to make him a citizen. Can you believe that?
I mean, this guy risked his life in the military for almost 30 years. Most citizens never do anything close to that. they automatically get citizenship just by getting pooped out of their mom's butt. That's right, I threw in some sex ed for free. You're welcome. Let's move on to World War I and one of its greatest Asian-American heroes, Lao-Sing Kee.
He was a runner, which means he ran messages to the front line, all while dodging gunfire and flamethrowers. That's right, this guy risked his life to send messages. I hope this makes you grateful for texting. In fact, I wish this was still how we had to send messages. You probably think twice if you had to run across a battlefield to give someone a picture of your dick.
Now let's turn to World War II. We saw Asian American heroes like Daniel Inoue, who fought in the 442nd Regiment, a unit made up completely of soldiers of Japanese descent and one of the most decorated regiments in military history. During a combat mission in France, Inoue escaped death when a bullet to his chest was blocked by two silver dollars. Try doing that with Bitcoin, you crypto bitches.
Daniel Inoue is why I carry two silver dollars in my breast pocket at all times. Wait, where are they? Oh yeah, I got that vending machine coke. Okay, nobody shoot me until I can get to the bullion exchange. Even after his military service, Inoue went on to serve 50 years in Congress. So congrats to him on finding the only job worse than combat.
But maybe the biggest Asian badass to come out of World War II was Captain Nieves Fernandez, a Filipino schoolteacher who became a guerrilla warfare fighter and led a squadron that killed over 200 Japanese soldiers. You hear that, class? Schoolteachers can become guerrilla assassins. Do not mess with us! Ow! Goddamn, it's sharp.
The last veteran we're gonna learn about today is a living legend, and not how that term is usually used, like if your friend Jake wins a stupid flip cup tournament. I mean an actual legend, Tammy Duckworth. She served as a Blackheart helicopter pilot in Iraq until 2004, when her aircraft was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade. She lost her legs and partial use of her right arm.
For her sacrifice, she was honored with a purple heart. I don't know why it's purple. I guess whoever designed it was a huge Prince fan. But her service didn't end with the military. She went on to become the first Thai-American woman and disabled woman elected to Congress. She also became the first woman to bring a baby onto the Senate floor, although it definitely wasn't the first diaper.
Those dudes are old as shit. So class, in conclusion, from now on, when you think of Asians in American history, don't just think of railroads and that guy from Breakfast at Tiffany's who isn't actually Asian. Think of Tammy Duckworth, Lao Tsing-Ki, and Nieves Fernandez, who kill-built half an army. Speaking of which, I gotta go tend to this neck wound.
Knowing how cheap these school districts are, I probably have lead poisoning. Class dismissed.
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central.
From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Ronnie Taylor.
I'm Ron Cheng. We've got so much to talk about tonight.
A piece of legislation gets body shamed, Medicaid's being taken to a farm upstate, and good news, the government's giving out free vacations to South Sudan. So, let's get into the headlines. President Trump has signed a record number of executive orders since he became president, which makes sense. It's a lot easier than passing laws.
I mean, to pass the law, you gotta write a bill, then you gotta pass it through the House, and then the Senate, and then checks and balances, and founding fathers, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's a lot easier to just declare shit, all right? Gummy bears are vegetables now, done. But don't forget, Congress is still doing things. They're not just sitting around waiting to die.
Well, I mean, they're doing that, but they're also doing other things. So last night, House Republicans packed their entire agenda into one enormous bill that's over 1,000 pages long. The question is, what do you call an enormous bill that crams together every single Republican issue?
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