Ronny Chieng (performing a bit)

But before he sailed with the Navy, he sailed with pirates. That's right, American history has Asian veterans and Asian pirates. I'm blowing your freaking mind today. What's next, Asian werewolves? No, that's beneath us. Let's fast forward to America's Civil War. The first one, not the one currently happening every day in your Twitter feed.

But before he sailed with the Navy, he sailed with pirates. That's right, American history has Asian veterans and Asian pirates. I'm blowing your freaking mind today. What's next, Asian werewolves? No, that's beneath us. Let's fast forward to America's Civil War. The first one, not the one currently happening every day in your Twitter feed.

The Civil War is where Chinese American soldiers began to make their mark. Of the roughly 200 Chinese Americans living in the Eastern US at the time, 58 of them served in the war. That's 58 out of 200. Can you calculate the percentage from that number? It's easy.

The Civil War is where Chinese American soldiers began to make their mark. Of the roughly 200 Chinese Americans living in the Eastern US at the time, 58 of them served in the war. That's 58 out of 200. Can you calculate the percentage from that number? It's easy.

You just cross out the zeros, you move the decimal point over, you flip the whole thing, you multiply by 100, and you plug your phone and use a calculator. Math is easy, especially for me, a teacher. One of the most distinguished Chinese Civil War vets was Joseph Pierce.

You just cross out the zeros, you move the decimal point over, you flip the whole thing, you multiply by 100, and you plug your phone and use a calculator. Math is easy, especially for me, a teacher. One of the most distinguished Chinese Civil War vets was Joseph Pierce.

He rose in the ranks to corporal, the highest rank of any Chinese American in the Union Army, which I can also relate to because I am the highest ranking Asian at The Daily Show. Though sadly, I do not have as many confirmed kills. And yeah, there were white soldiers in the 1800s who were taking orders from an Asian guy. Because those guys were hashtag allies.

He rose in the ranks to corporal, the highest rank of any Chinese American in the Union Army, which I can also relate to because I am the highest ranking Asian at The Daily Show. Though sadly, I do not have as many confirmed kills. And yeah, there were white soldiers in the 1800s who were taking orders from an Asian guy. Because those guys were hashtag allies.

and they didn't even need to brag about it on Instagram. All right, Julia? We get it. You taught your dog Cantonese. But not every veteran got what they deserve. Edward Day Cahota was a Chinese immigrant adopted by an American ship captain who fought in the Civil War and then served for another 26 years. But get this, America still refused to make him a citizen. Can you believe that?

and they didn't even need to brag about it on Instagram. All right, Julia? We get it. You taught your dog Cantonese. But not every veteran got what they deserve. Edward Day Cahota was a Chinese immigrant adopted by an American ship captain who fought in the Civil War and then served for another 26 years. But get this, America still refused to make him a citizen. Can you believe that?

I mean, this guy risked his life in the military for almost 30 years. Most citizens never do anything close to that. they automatically get citizenship just by getting pooped out of their mom's butt. That's right, I threw in some sex ed for free. You're welcome. Let's move on to World War I and one of its greatest Asian-American heroes, Lao-Sing Kee.

I mean, this guy risked his life in the military for almost 30 years. Most citizens never do anything close to that. they automatically get citizenship just by getting pooped out of their mom's butt. That's right, I threw in some sex ed for free. You're welcome. Let's move on to World War I and one of its greatest Asian-American heroes, Lao-Sing Kee.

He was a runner, which means he ran messages to the front line, all while dodging gunfire and flamethrowers. That's right, this guy risked his life to send messages. I hope this makes you grateful for texting. In fact, I wish this was still how we had to send messages. You probably think twice if you had to run across a battlefield to give someone a picture of your dick.

He was a runner, which means he ran messages to the front line, all while dodging gunfire and flamethrowers. That's right, this guy risked his life to send messages. I hope this makes you grateful for texting. In fact, I wish this was still how we had to send messages. You probably think twice if you had to run across a battlefield to give someone a picture of your dick.

Now let's turn to World War II. We saw Asian American heroes like Daniel Inoue, who fought in the 442nd Regiment, a unit made up completely of soldiers of Japanese descent and one of the most decorated regiments in military history. During a combat mission in France, Inoue escaped death when a bullet to his chest was blocked by two silver dollars. Try doing that with Bitcoin, you crypto bitches.

Now let's turn to World War II. We saw Asian American heroes like Daniel Inoue, who fought in the 442nd Regiment, a unit made up completely of soldiers of Japanese descent and one of the most decorated regiments in military history. During a combat mission in France, Inoue escaped death when a bullet to his chest was blocked by two silver dollars. Try doing that with Bitcoin, you crypto bitches.

Daniel Inoue is why I carry two silver dollars in my breast pocket at all times. Wait, where are they? Oh yeah, I got that vending machine coke. Okay, nobody shoot me until I can get to the bullion exchange. Even after his military service, Inoue went on to serve 50 years in Congress. So congrats to him on finding the only job worse than combat.

Daniel Inoue is why I carry two silver dollars in my breast pocket at all times. Wait, where are they? Oh yeah, I got that vending machine coke. Okay, nobody shoot me until I can get to the bullion exchange. Even after his military service, Inoue went on to serve 50 years in Congress. So congrats to him on finding the only job worse than combat.

But maybe the biggest Asian badass to come out of World War II was Captain Nieves Fernandez, a Filipino schoolteacher who became a guerrilla warfare fighter and led a squadron that killed over 200 Japanese soldiers. You hear that, class? Schoolteachers can become guerrilla assassins. Do not mess with us! Ow! Goddamn, it's sharp.

But maybe the biggest Asian badass to come out of World War II was Captain Nieves Fernandez, a Filipino schoolteacher who became a guerrilla warfare fighter and led a squadron that killed over 200 Japanese soldiers. You hear that, class? Schoolteachers can become guerrilla assassins. Do not mess with us! Ow! Goddamn, it's sharp.