Roy Wood Jr.
Appearances
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I am well. I'm very well. This is my voice for you all because this podcast has reverence. It is very focused anger, I think is the proper way to put it. It's not belligerent, yelling, ESPN, bait, anger. It's very exacto knife. I'm tired of ugly people kissing each other.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Is it fair to ugly people, as we've already deduced scientifically, two ugly people make a pretty person. So what you're witnessing is the creation of someone amazing. Yes. And I think we're just so disconnected and angry as a society. I legitimately like it when I see two people making out in public. I know it can be a bit extreme, but I watch. And I don't know if that's creepy, but...
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
For like a split, I look for like half a beat too long. And I'm like, man, that's all right. In the midst of all this anger and cussing and yelling and political discord, there's two people on this bus who love each other enough to say, I don't care who else is on this bus. I'm going to grab that ass.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah, I'm sorry for coming in hot like that. But I just think we have to give a little bit of respect To ugly people. That's why you never really see the parents of gorgeous actors and actresses in Hollywood. Like it's award season right now. You don't really see those parents. They keep them off in storage.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Two sixes make a 10. And that's why when you see two sixes, you know, in your case at a gas station making out pumping 87 octane into the car, I think we have to go up to them and tell them thank you for what they're about to do for society.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I'm pretty sure the couple in front of me on the plane was fingering once. And I thought that was a little, it's like, like, I understand like maybe like over the panties or like over the pants, like, you know, you can just rub the hump or just, you know, play with each other on top of your draws. But once you're like over and under and into each other's draws, I thought that was a little, it was,
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
That's how I have her log. In my brain, she saved as BeetlejuiceHandjob.jpg.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
which is terrible because smokers have dry mouths. So whatever comes after that hand job is gonna be terrible. Only because the theater was crowded and Beetlejuice kind of has kids. I think, and this is as a person who has tried to have sex in a movie theater, shout out to Barbershop too.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
you have to do it week three when it's a little less packed right in the theater i think that's the time to do it and to be fair barbershop two came out at a time before like the stadium seating and the wider because like this is one of those older theaters where the armrest didn't go up yet so we're trying to find an angle right you can't
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
like the only angle we're both facing away from the screen, well, that's not cool. But to face the other way, like to do doggy style in the theater facing the screen, there's no railing for her to keep her from falling forward. So we try to go the other way on the side, but you can't lay down because the aisles aren't wider. We were both kind of big.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I used to be like 50 pounds heavier, and she was about the same weight as me. So we were both two huskies, if you will, trying to... So, you know, to Bober's credit, though, they left. I mean, I know they were kind of kicked out, but... You left. Once you know that you've got it in the bag, why are you still out? Go home and bang. Wait, I need to get back to Barbershop 2.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
It was failed because once we got on the floor and it was sticky, you're kind of out of the mood of it. And when you're doing something that slutty, Once you get out the theater, you kind of look at each other and just, what are we doing? And we just went to California pizza kitchen. I dropped her off and didn't even, I didn't even try to like go in the house.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I just walked into the door like a Southern gentleman, just drove away popcorn kernels, the back of my tummy, heel, finger sweat.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I don't even know where to begin with you all, but I figure we start a little more serious. I have two or three I for sure want to get to. And if we have time, I have some more nuanced ones. I've had it with work sex scandals being this super big issue in this country without acknowledging that every now and then it works out when you bang your co-worker. I'm not saying every time it works out.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I'm not saying that this doesn't, you know, contribute to a power dynamic that creates an opportunity for discrimination and workplace coercion. I'm not saying it's all good, but we act like the act of daring to be attracted to a person who's getting a check with you in the same building is this wrong thing. And it's not.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yes. Now, if you're banging to get ahead and get a promotion and you did it one time, no. But I'm talking like this idea that there are some people who work together and are having sex and it works out fine. Right. Kelly Ripa and her husband are number one in daytime. Right. Their ratings are higher than what they were when she was hosting with Ryan Seacrest.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Now, I'm not going to say that sex with your co-host is the sole reason why it could have been some chemistry issues, but also sex. I feel like there's instances where it kind of works out. There were these two, I'm gonna try and do this without saying people's names, because I'm trying to be respectful of people's space.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
But there were these two daytime talk show hosts that got outed a while back for having an affair with each other. They were both married, but it turns out they were actually having sex. Okay, we can argue the rights or wrongs of that, but that couple is still together. Is that not finding love? How is that not considered, like, how you got there?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah, we can argue that that's right or wrong, but the idea that you're still with that person, still in a relationship. They got fired, and after getting fired, they started making public appearances together. They didn't hide, like, some scandal. They were like, no, we were in love. And it's like...
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
The idea that because of where you met means that your love is unsanctioned or invalid or not right. Just, I don't know. I just think we put a lot of stress on people. And when I say workplace, I'm talking like a real workplace with like Fortune 500 company. I'm not talking about somewhere with a deep fryer. That doesn't count.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
you fumble your family and your career and every picture we see of you since then is smiling right that's is that not what they tell us to pursue in life it's happiness and find your person and so it's possible to find your person at your job and i think that part of the conversation like joe and minka over at msnbc that's another great example of just Yeah.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Now, granted, they didn't meet like you can get into the nuances of how you got there. But I think it is possible to be in a relationship with somebody at your job and it be OK. And it worked out OK from time to time.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
We act like it's this huge live grenade that's being juggled around. And I understand that because because of the Matt Lowers, because of the abuse of politics within the workplace for men. And I get it. But let's not ignore that every now and then you can work with your spouse and maybe it's OK.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah. And I think that when you have happy co-workers, there's also another company, I won't name this company, but there's a company that encourages co-workers to date and celebrates when those marriages happen within the building, as if to say, our company is a place where you can meet Not only do your career, you might meet the love of your life.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Well, does that not encourage people shooting a shot at the Christmas party and getting drunk and doing something wrong on the dance floor? Probably. I just, I don't know. It's a weird thing to be fed up with, but I just feel like we only look at one side of the coin with that. And I speak about this as a man who had a girlfriend who worked with him at Golden Corral in 2002.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Oh, no, baby. Oh, no, baby. Barbershop 2, I don't know where she is in life. I don't know where she is in life. I hope she's doing well, but it's one of those things you can never run back. Like once you've tried to have sex in a value movie theater, this is back in the day where movies would go. Let me tell you a story, children.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
There was not only the movies, then there was the dollar movie before the movie got to blockbuster. So we were in the value movie theater.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I think that at some point we have to have a conversation about how can I put this? The lack of fighting in professional sports. I'm fed up with the lack of fighting. In professional sports, I think that violence is part of the entertainment value of the sport.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
And when we really look at the NBA and everything that's been going on in the NBA regarding ratings, I know this is an amazing NBA podcast. This is a great topic to bring up with you, too.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah, SGA is not to be fooled with. And Pope, like they are, that's a whole other conversation.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
You need a fight once a week in an NBA game. Baseball gives you a fight about once a month. NFL is inherently violent. Hockey fighting is already part of the culture. But the NBA, I just think we need a little bit more fighting. I think golfing, I think golfing could benefit from that. I don't know quite what you do after the fight.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Like in the NHL, there's a locker room to go to after you got your ass whooped. But in golf, you're just kind of outside. Yeah, yeah. That kind of sucks. I don't know. Maybe you have a golf cart or something to take you away. I was out with my son. And we went to a natural history museum. And, you know, he's big in history and science and stuff like that.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
And I've gone to enough of these museums now to where, you know, a lot of natural history museums, they're curated by the same group of people and, you know, the same people, the same tendencies for what they think the museum should have, right? The curators, right? I am fed up with us praising extinct animals. They dead. They lost.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Why are we praising these animals who couldn't figure out how to stay alive?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
It's, it's, you go into these exhibits and they go, here's the woolly mammoth. And the woolly mammoth was one of the most dangerous and most, yeah, then it got cold and he froze like a bitch. And he had wool. What about the T-Rex? Had wool. Same game. Same game.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah, yeah. I've seen them all. I've seen Chris Pratt's and the Goldberg's.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
No, you know, that's coming, right? You know, that's coming. They're digging up the bones. They're splicing the genes. They're going to give it some AI. And then we're going to have super creature, super smart creature chip controlled. We're going to reintroduce the velociraptor to the ecosystem. Morons. I, I just, I love the history of the earth and I love exploring that.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
But whenever we talk about dead animals, whenever we talk about extinct animals, it's just, oh, they were great, and then they died. And we're not talking about animals that, like, died because of human pollution and us changing up the ecosystem. The duck-billed platypus checked out a long time before many times. It's bitch ass. Bitch ass. It's okay. It's okay.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
It's okay to say that some of these animals was bitch made and they just couldn't, they couldn't cut it.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah. What would the world be like if it was still here? It lose again because now it's got to go up against pollution.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Oh, hit that. I circled back. I fired off all my circle backs on Jan 6th. I put up a post on Twitter. There's a scene at the end of Terminator 3, Rise of the Machines, where Skynet takes over and they fire off all the nuclear missiles to start the end of the world, to start Judgment Day. And there's a beautiful shot of a barn in Iowa.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
And there's like 50 nuclear missiles rising up on the horizon to end civilization. Wow. That's my Gmail outbox at the end of Christmas. I've preset all these emails. I was typing emails on the Christmas night. My brain doesn't turn off. But out of respect to you, I set it to go out Jan 6th. I wish I could do that with text messages. I'm all for circling back because here's the thing.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
You're not going to hide from me. You're not going to avoid me. I am as imminent and inevitable as the sunrise. So if you think that ignoring me or slowing your replies is going to change this issue, it's not. I'm going to be right here. And I want you to know that. And so one email turns into two. There's an issue right now with the charity.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I'm not going to say the state that was supposed to donate some money in my name to a cause and they have not. And it's been four months. I'm not fucking around. You have until Wednesday. So I sent that fucking judgment day missile up. And lo and behold, got an email back. I'm not going to read you the email I sent them, but I'm going to read you back the email that they sent me.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
They said, hey, I apologize for this oversight. I thought it was taken care of in November, but there was an issue with our system. We screwed this up. I'm grateful that you pointed this out so that we could correct it. That's some good quality ass kissing right there. Thank you for showing me that I'm a fuck up so that I can correct being a fuck up. That's respect. That's what a circle back.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Oh, had it. Had it. Why does every commercial have to have a fucking dude bro voice? Do you need dude bro voice to sell everything to men? I'm a man. Just tell me to take a bath. I'll buy Old Spice. Just like every commercial is just a man and this one and I wear their underwear. So this isn't hating the loop trading company underwear for a man. You can just say draws like they've sold.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Haynes has sold draws to men for years. They had Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley back in the olden days selling t-shirts. I don't, you don't have to do Mike Todd lemonade and you're drinking lemonade and you're a man. It's like, hey man, it's okay. Like the Old Spice commercials. I love the Old Spice commercials, but I wish that there was a tweak.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
If there was a tweak I would make to the commercials. Like, you know the ones I'm talking about. It's Dion Cole and Gabrielle Dennis. Yes. And every Old Spice commercial is the woman that's, I took your shit. And then the man turns to the camera, why'd you take my shit? I wanted to take a bath. Why, as a man, are they selling me body wash under the premise that women are annoying?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Flip it, because they're in a happy marriage, as far as I can tell. You could flip it, and you could have the woman just come in and go, hey, babe, I love you. Thanks for being a man and supporting and providing and putting a roof over me and the kids' heads and loving us so much. Here's some Old Spice. I'm going to fuck you when you get out the tub.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
And then Deon Cole turns to the camera and goes, see, if you'd be a man, your woman would take care of you the way she'd take care of me, and you'd have some Old Spice. But you at the house musty, motherfucker. That would be just as great of a commercial and it's framed under the structure of a healthy relationship and not two people arguing. Like the bath is his escape.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
She should be in the tub with him, but you can't do that because God forbid some religious group get outraged at two black people butt naked in a tub enjoying Old Spice. I don't know. It's just, you must be a man or you must be mad at woman. This is a Ford truck. Look at the engine drop down in that Ford. Did you a man drive your truck next to horses out in the wilderness?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Too many people hit Herschel Walker. Heard that brother talk. That is first of all, let me make sure I get this right. You're saying the word Herschel Walker, but he is United States ambassador to the Bahamas. Correct. Herschel Walker. Now, the second question is to get Herschel Walker to find the Bahamas on a map. Like this map that's behind me.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
For the people who are just listening, there's a map behind me. You should put Herschel Walker in front of this map of the world and then just go point to the Bahamas and you can have the job. And I guarantee you Herschel Walker would point to the Philippines.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah, it's a very interesting administration, and I will say that I'm nervously anxious to see how it all unfolds.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah. It'll be interesting to see, you know, and I think that's part of why I wanted to make sure that my comedy special came out before the inauguration, because I didn't know what the hell was going to happen. I don't know. I don't know. I'm very scared.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I chose to call the special Lonely Flowers because I wanted to talk a little bit about how collectively as a society, I feel like we're all beautiful people, but we have all somehow become siloed. And When you see a flower by itself on the street, you're like, oh, that's sad. Where are your friends? But when you see flowers together, it's a beautiful and amazing thing.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
So I just hope that, you know, we can talk a little bit about the loneliness epidemic that's going on in this country. And, you know, dare I say, make a couple of jokes about it as well. Do you all feel like one of your one of your callers on your show a while back was talking about how.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
how she was done with the people asking the extra questions at the register when you're trying to get rung up, right? And you're, oh, do you support this cause? Donate the money. Do you want to round up to the next whole dollar?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
I hate that too, but I still rather that than self-checkout because I feel like the interaction we've had with the cashier, like have you ever had a bad day and a cashier just said, hey, nice sweater, right?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
that's enough right that's enough to change your whole emotional dynamic and like that i don't know like i really feel like the retail experience is where a lot of the disconnect started in this country and because we didn't have casual interactions with strangers we now view all strangers as threats and weirdos and you don't want to be around anybody in public and so
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
It's just, it's a fun way that this, I'm thankful to Hulu for giving me an opportunity, but it's a fun way to just dissect what we've turned into since COVID.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
One place where you can easily attack and be different is when you go to these places. Because I'm also done with everything being locked up. Depending on where you live, you go on a Walgreens, all the shit is locked up. Can you come with me to get the lotion, please? Okay. So then on that walk to get the lotion, How you been? What's been going on? What's your craziest customer?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
You'd be surprised. Retail employees, no one talks to them. So they would be thrilled to just tell you something about their day. Just, hey, who was shoplifting that day?
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Yeah, ask these people, who's having sex with each other in this building right now? What's the workplace sex drama? Oh, let me tell you, the girl in the pharmacy having sex for Percocets right now. You'd be surprised.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Thank you. And next time I'm on, I'll have a camera that has a battery that lasts the entirety of our interviews.
I've Had It
Two Uglies Make Beauty
Oh, one email and got $5,000 for inner city baseball. That's how, that's the energy you got to have in the deuce five. We're not fucking around with people.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, you know when I really feel connected is when I'm at the DMV or any type of office where there's a long wait. Like any long wait, fluorescent light, Neo in the Matrix, Act One, Hell Hole. And then when you finally get your number called and then when you're on your way out... And then you speak to someone who you've been there in the trenches with waiting that whole time.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Hey man, good luck to you, man. If you can get it done. It's like getting a COVID test, like week two of the shutdown, where they make you stand on the, in New York, they make you stand on the sidewalk to go in to get you. So you'd be out there in the cold with a bunch of other just random people trying to get your COVID test. So you can be allowed to go do whatever the. And.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I remember bonding with strangers then. There was no politics then. Nobody cared that I was at The Daily Show then.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah. I felt, I never felt more closer to New Yorkers than... Pots and pans being banged out windows. Yeah. That was real. Clapping. Seven o'clock clap.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Do you still, when you go to sporting events, I don't know how much you go alone, but do you still make small talk with people in the seats around you when you get to the event or you're on the phone? Got to.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I forgot about that. We really did have a **** in the Zoom boxes on a Jumbotron. It was wild. Yes. Looking like a **** Konami game from 1994. Yeah.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
profoundly important about people connecting in the same building watching something together yeah even if i hate you for rooting for that team there's still something absolutely something in it i went to a nascar i went to my first nascar race earlier this year green flag is in the air we are racing at atlanta And we went over two days.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I'm doing five under the limit. I got a podcast going. I'm chilling.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I went with my son the first day to watch Truck Series, right? We go and we watch Roger Carouf and all the other, Blaney and all these other races. And it's great. It was a perfectly fine, great sports experience. You know, knee-jerk NASCAR, you think one thing, and you get there, and then you see Big Boy from OutKast and Young Jeezy. And I'm like, okay. And it's just regular people.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yes, there's people going, yeah, show your butthole. Like, there's that. But by and large, no different than going to a baseball game in a regular season. So I get out in the crowd. And the thing that I enjoy when I'm new to a sport is whatever the new tradition thing is.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And I didn't know this, but on a race restart, as they're coming back around to the start line to restart the race and the pace car pulls off. everybody stands up and, like, cheers for the restart. I guess you're cheering for your driver. I guess your driver can see you and go, oh, yeah, I'm inspired.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah. Literally. It's literally that. Like, it's some sort of, like, go get them, boys. Get back up there to racing. But... Everybody stands. Like, it's just not even, it's understood. And so that was enough of an endpoint for me to just start talking and chopping it up with people. But NASCAR is interesting in that, in terms of the fan chitchat, You really can't do a lot of it.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I can't look at you. So to your point of just having this shared experience that's eyes forward of all of the sports that we have in America, NASCAR is a thousand percent. You're in my periphery and I'm talking and we're having a conversation. But the whole time I'm locked in because the split second I turn to you, I'm going to miss the thing.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
be it a wreck, be it a brave move, some shake and bake draft, whatever, you don't want to miss it. And it's one of the most social yet antisocial sporting experiences I think I've ever had.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I think that politicians, and this is not just sports, this comes down to eating the stupid rib or whatever. Now is when you should go to a game and just be seen as regular and it not be a big production. God bless Ted Cruz. Man. Ted Cruz, a lot of Astros, and don't care if you boo him, and he has no agenda. Ted Cruz will just show up to get booed, and there is no vote coming up. No.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I'm just here to bathe in the hate and root all my astros. Good for you, Ted Cruz. I think Democrats overthink everything. I think everything is just we must measure five times before we decide to do the thing, and then you end up looking like you overthought it. I think the more you can have people see you as just regular, especially when we framed politicians, especially Democrats as elitists,
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
then you got to regular yourself up just a little bit. Like, I know Gavin Newsom just talked with Steve Bannon. Okay, we can assume that if Newsom's positioning himself for a presidential run, that's to try to appeal a little bit to the centrist voter who, you know, whatever. Okay, fine. You could have spent that same money on that podcast episode and just went to a rodeo. And just be at a rodeo.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And like, no camera, no, just be at a rodeo. And then just let the people with camera phones will do the work for you. And then just go, oh yeah, I'll go to rodeo sometime. And then don't make anything of it.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah. I took my senior portrait in a Sammy Sosa Cubs spring training batting practice jersey. My mom has never been more infuriated with than that moment to just pack that jersey, hide it, get to the photo, get to the Olin Mills little photos.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, buddy. Okay, now you got your tuxedo over there. I'm not wearing no tuxedo. Put me in the Sosa, bitch. 2-1.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yes. I also think that politicians need to pick the one thing they are good at physically and do that. Because then we'll assume you can do all the other things. You never saw Barack Obama swing a baseball bat. That's not what I do. I hoop. So you will see me hooping. And because you see me hooping all the time, you will assume I know ball.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Like, all of these politicians right now and potential politicians, you just got to just be yourself and just be... Like, if you like grilling, just grill. Like, if we'd have gotten more time with Tim Waltz... It's just one of the big disappointments, by the way.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, yeah. But, like, on paper, if I told you the Democrats... Cumberland's going to be paired with a guy that shovels snow. He likes state fair food. And he used to coach football. And he could talk X's and O's. I would have put Tim Waltz on every... The first person I would have sent him was Paul Feinbaum.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
If I'm the DNC and I'm running the playbook on how to introduce a candidate... Run the damn ball. Yeah.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And if he... But only talks ball. Just be the regular dude. Just be a guest on a thing on a regular basis. Because the thing about a lot of these shows as well, like... I also think politicians are intimidated by programs like this because they feel like they're going to get exposed for not knowing. So it...
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I don't know if this is the playbook for midterms or for next year, but as much as you can try and just be a regular person, do that and let people see that. And I hate to say it, but that's the type of stupid that connects with voters.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, wow, she is just like me, even though you don't look like me. Oh, you have a cat, too. Oh, you have a dog. You know another place where men used to bond? AutoZone. I don't know what kind of car you had.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
AutoZone and I guess advanced auto parts. We didn't have those growing up in Birmingham, but Birmingham was an AutoZone city. This is before O'Reilly's and all AutoZone.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
AutoZone was like Circuit City of that era of car repair. And you would pull into an AutoZone in a middle-class neighborhood, and it would just be a dude fixing his shit in the parking lot. His shit's on bricks, and he's going inside part by part. Yeah, I need that. I need that. And then you would just turn to them. Hey, man, how long you been working on? What's the thing?
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Man, I tell you, man, I'm trying to get this thing started. But the starter and the manifold and then another person behind him. Well, you know, the problem with that manifold, they had a call. They had a recall on that one, man. What you got to do is get it. Did you put this in? Man, let me go get this.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And they'll go down an aisle and come back with some shit you need to put in the car on top of what you are. Just.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
bonding like it's what like it became a group project like i'm thinking of like legitimate places where men just immediately just start talking to each other specifically and most importantly lately with people who they otherwise are not agreeing with or talking to or any of that i would never talk to you outside of this building but in this space
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I know we have the same interests and the same struggles. Because most everybody that's at AutoZone, it's because you got a check engine light on. You're in a pinch or you're waiting on a part or you're a do-it-yourselfer. You know, Home Depot a little bit, but it's more aisle by aisle at Home Depot more than the store as a whole. Like if you and a dude are looking at the same rack of s**t,
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
then you will discuss what dude thing you're doing today with whatever's on this rack. But AutoZone, man, I remember going there many a time to get a new belt or to do something with my radiator for my first car in high school. And there would just be men in the parking lot just to the point where...
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
When they used to offer at these car repair shops, they would offer, we'll change the battery for you. We'll change your windshield wiper. If you buy your wipers here, we'll come out. If you were a man and that AutoZone employee came out there behind you to do anything to your car, you was a bitch. You was a bitch. And so it was like the pressure to just, and I'm like 17, bro.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I'm putting fan belts on and shit in the parking lot. I just want to feel like a man. Like, that's for women. Go check the woman's battery when she gets it. And so I remember, like, just doing stuff under the hood and tinkering with the car in the parking lot. And strangers come over. You good, young blood? What's going on with it? Get in there, start it up for me real quick. Let me listen to it.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Like, that type of shit. I remember that distinctly, man. And I don't know where that went.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
There's a sense of belonging. And I think that's where we are now. And I think that's why a lot of people, it's very easy to entrench in things that have harmful or dangerous premises or rhetorics. Even if you don't condone it, they've accepted you. And they've taken you into their fold. And that's enough. If you've been alone, it's no different than joining a gang.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
You're talking about the idea of family and the need for connection and need to feel provided for and to be shoulder to shoulder with people that you feel like you have some sort of shared struggle with as well or a common enemy. As well. So I think that's where a lot of the online connection comes from.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And to me, that's the issue is that to find that tribe and those groups of people back in the day, you used to have to leave the house. Now you can be in a message board and be in a group with a bunch of other dudes and y'all all talk, but you never meet. Y'all never go show up to the Dungeons and Dragons live tournament. Like it's... Whatever you're doing online is the only thing you do.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
So you're in your Twitch stream, and you got five people, and you play Call of Duty together. You run missions for some first-person shooter together. And that's good to a degree, but the moment you turn that headset off and go back out into the real world, who are you? And what are you? How are you connecting? You're still lacking something.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Are you scared of AI at all or is it like 3D televisions to you? Remember when that was the future? Oh, yeah.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Everything was going to be 3D. You're going to have a 3D experience at the house. Then it was going to be VR, and VR is going to be the future. Then it was metaverse.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Is that the one where the shit shakes, the chair shakes? I know they got those.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
It was horrible. Does it smell too? Like in a car chase, can you smell like rubber and all of that? Some smell-o-vision? I heard that's coming.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
You can smell. There's a ride at Universal Studios in Orlando, Spider-Man the ride. I can't remember what it's called, but the Spider-Man ride at Universal. Yes. And you're essentially, you're in a chair from Spider-Man's POV. And you fly all around and, you know, whatever. And the Green Goblin, there's a part where the Green Goblin throws one of those firebombs at you and flames shoot out.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I'll give you a perfect example. I'm doing a project with MLB Network that'll come out later during baseball season. And so we needed to get to Point St. Lucie to shoot some stuff with spring training and ****. Well, the closest airport is West Palm, and that's a rental car plus 45 minutes. The easier flight is Orlando, but Orlando's a two-hour drive to Port St. Lucie.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And then a mist of water comes across your face as you go down under the Brooklyn Bridge. I don't need all of that. Just show me the movie, man. Just show me the people fighting. I'm cool with the seat vibrating. A little bit for action films. Like I thought that was a neat effect depending on the film. I think I saw one of the more recent Fast and Furious movies a couple years ago.
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A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, and then there's also a subwoofer under the seat as well, so you can feel the music and the score and all of that. But I'll give the theaters credit. They're trying to do whatever they can to stay open. The first thing they need to do is cut the amount of screens. Like, if the theater industry's failing and struggling, you don't need an AMC 30 anymore.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Or come to the Starlight Cinema, 27 screens. Why? Why? There's only four movies out this week, bro, and only two of them are really legitimately worth leaving the house for right now.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I don't know. Lease it? Airbnb it? I don't f***ing know. But the idea of having 20 screens to show six movies... Feels odd. I know when you get, you know, it's gangbusters when you get like a tentpole, like say, all right, when the new Mission Impossible, like when Top Gun came out, Top Gun was like one third of all the screens at every movie theater. AMC 14, 10 of them are Top Gun.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
As it should be, that's the blockbuster. But more often than not, I think we need to go back to the six and the eight, ten screen max type spaces. You know, but, you know, the theaters are trying, man. The food has gotten better-ish now.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
What's the debate? Why not? Like, is it the clinking? You're talking about table service, like Draft House, Alamo Draft House?
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I'm not crazy about somebody just walking in and going, okay, what else do you want?
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, but if the avocado toast is out in the lobby, you want to go get it. Like, I'm fine with that. I think the popcorn and the burgers and dogs is played out. So, I mean, adding something to try and get people to the theater, I get it, you know.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
It's not enough to get me to go see a movie. Like, that alone is not... Like, the food actually has to be part of the... Like, the film is cool, but you have to... What else you got? Like, that's what it's got to be. So that's why you're getting sprayed in the face with God knows what chemical that hasn't been checked by this government.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
He hit that bitch out the infield, though. On the fly. Didn't hit no weak grounder. He could play in a celebrity softball game and be okay. Oh, God.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I said, man, just fly me to West Palm so I can drive 45 minutes and I'll figure it out. The old me... would have flown to Jacksonville, say what up to two of my homeboys who I ain't seen in a while, ran over to Tallahassee, yo, what's up, man? All right, I got to go. I got to go down to Port St. Louis. And then driven, I'd have had a six-hour day before, and then shot.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
See? And that's what happens. And then they laugh at you. And then they go, ha, ha, ha, you can't govern because you have no dribble. You have to just do the one thing you're good at in public for a long time, and then people will trust and assume that you can do other things good. That's the simplicity of the American voter. If we see you do good one thing, then we think you do good everything.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Everybody talking about Stephen A. Smith running for president. But I'm just saying the bar is low. I'm just saying that. The prerequisites for the resume of president have changed. We're never going back to some Harvard law. No, that's over. He was a governor for a while. That is over. He was a senator. No.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Absolutely. And I need... You send in your Mothra.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, I... We'll see what happens at midterms. I don't want to speak too much of it into existence because I don't know if he really wants to do that. I think he's... But if it's ever anybody that could pardon me for those credit cards I stole in 98, it'd be President Stephen A. Smith, so I'm kind of pulling. I'm tired of answering them extra questions when I go to Canada.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
You know, that's what they make you do in Canada when you commit a crime in America. They pull you off to the side and ask you all these extra questions to make sure you're not coming here to do the crimes.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, literally. That's literally what it is. And then they go through NCIC and then they find out, oh, this feels like more than an indiscretion. I don't know what it was. It's just credit cards, baby. I was 19. Good times, right? Sit here for four hours while we decide.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
We have to catch a game. Oh, man. And I say that with seriousness and sincerity because I don't go to sporting events with everyone. I go with my son and I go with people who legitimately appreciate the game that is being played and not showing up to take a bunch of selfies.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
You would like NASCAR. I don't know if you've ever gone, bro. If you want to take me to a NASCAR race. I'm not bullsh**. Now, it's an all-day thing. It's three out, depending on which day you go. The race itself is three out, but you got to go like two hours beforehand and hang and drink. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I will, dare I say this, I got a NASCAR guy.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I got a NASCAR plug. Like all my other friends like get invited to Oscar parties and like the other day, what was it? Planet Hollywood opened in New York City and they had every A-lister on earth there. I don't get invited to none of that. But I've got a guy right now that can get me into mission control at NASA. And we can talk to people at the space station. Right now.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I got a guy until Elon fires him. I got a guy.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Now I'm just, all right, I'll end at nine. Cameras roll at two. There's two contingency flights after the 9 a.m. flight. I'll still make the shoot on time. All right, let's do it.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Why are you different? It's a little bit of that. It's more mortality. But then there's also just I'm 46 and I'm not 26. So there's a little bit of that as well. But I...
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I still love having the freedom to stop and pull over and smell the flowers and go in a Stucky's and look at stupid trinkets and drift through a Cracker Barrel and play Is This Racist as you look through certain s*** on the shelf.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
It's not like... They're not like selling swastikas and Cracker Barrel. Like, it's just... It's stuff that you feel like a racist person would also enjoy. Like, a non-racist would also enjoy this rocking chair, but I bet you racists really enjoy this rocking chair. So... Yeah, for me, man, it's just when I'm out, it's, all right, what are the calculated risks here?
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And I mean, cars are just wild because you can't control. The two places where you have to have the utmost of trust in another human being to behave is the freeway and a gun range. It's literally blind trust on this particular day that everybody in this space is having a good day and is sober and is paying attention to what they're doing. And if there aren't, something could go wrong.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
So I don't know. My spidey senses tend to be up when I'm in both places. I've gone in gun ranges to shoot guns and just not like the vibe. That dude looks like he's practicing for something that's not competition. But, yeah, everybody should shoot a gun at least once. And then you can go, all right, nah.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
But, you know, there's people that just go, well, the gun represents a power and it's a death weapon. I don't want to touch it. But, you know, I don't own a gun, but I go shoot guns. I don't know what that means. I feel like it's like, I don't know, I feel like I'm a dude that goes to a strip club but doesn't own porn.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
I had a joke that didn't make the special about how before you buy a gun, you should be forced to get off. And, like, you, like, as part of whatever the federal background check is.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And then you come back in here, and now, like, it's either a three-day wait or just f*** off right now. Fully agree. At the register. There's a booth. There's a booth. No, no booth. There's a blue tent, like, on an NFL scene. Either you want this gun or you don't, bro.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
It's a lot of people that's alone in a basement, just loading a rifle, and once a week, they need a snack. And that cashier was the connection. That's the job of the cashier, to make lonely people feel like they have a connection. She asking him about his dog and his . How's Mr. Gibbles?
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
If you live alone and a cashier asks you about your dog, you're that, well, you'll ride that high for two months. You go home and look at that rifle. Man, I'm tripping. Let me put this rifle down. I got a friend at the grocery store. I can't be out here murdering.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
You missed the small talk. You missed the small talk. And, like, if you're lonely, right, and you live by yourself, you talk to no one, that cashier might be your only human contact this week. And that person might literally be the only person who gives a shit about you and makes you feel cared for, which forces you to move in love out in the world and maybe not murder.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Maybe you were going to murder. And then this cashier reached out to you and goes, how is it like the cat food comes down the belt? Oh, you're changing the cat food. You're not like the other cat food. Those little things matter. So when I used to be a server at Golden Corral, bro, we had customers who would come in and just sit alone.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And like, yes, but consistently every week they would come in and sit like, depending on what the night was, it was all like if it's steak night or if it's, you know, it's burger bar night, whatever. There were certain people, this is their thing. And they come here and they read their paper or something as they call it now, raw dogging. They would just sit and raw dog a restaurant. It's 97, 98.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
If you were a man, and that AutoZone employee came out there behind you to do anything to your car, you's a b****. You's a b****.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
The first nine years of my career, I drove half a million miles. God. Between two different cars, two odometers, total odometers, half a million. And now I'm like, bro, I used to be whiteout conditions in Aspen, drafting 18 wheelers like NASCAR. drafting an 18-wheeler. Drafting an 18-wheeler in a snowstorm.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
You're not really getting cell data. Like, you're not cruising the internet the way you can now at a table. So you had to pull out a magazine or just sit there and be alone in your thoughts. And those people, especially the older ones, always appreciated, you know, that level of connection. Something that was really cool, man, like in Los Angeles, they do...
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
In Los Angeles then, I don't know what they do now, but in 2014, 15, whatever, a lot of the live multi-camera sitcoms, some of the people in the studio audience are people from nursing homes, people from halfway houses, people that are going through recovery, and legitimately people who deserve a place to feel connected and laugh and have some degree of optimism about your existence.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, they have like, at least on the Warner Brothers lot where we were shooting Sullivan and Son for TBS, 200, 300 seats. But a certain amount of those seats are blocked off and allocated for groups and homes and whatever. Like the trip to the sitcom is the reward for not relapsing. Like just something to give you a mile marker. Juveniles, all of that , man.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
And they would be in the spot and just laughing and just having a good time. And he'd go over and...
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
talk and shoot the with them between takes or whatever and i think that actively figuring out ways to connect with people man you know that's the thing that's part of why i like traveling with my son is that it creates opportunities for communication because i just think also kids don't talk to their parents i also think to a degree parents don't ask the right questions do you find that their kids to talk there was a fascinating uh
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, because, you know, there's some parts of him, personality-wise, that are 1,000% me. And I just, I get it. You want to draw fighter jets shooting fire trucks, and what if the fire truck had an ice missile, and you could just shoot that... at the fire and put some liquid hydrogen in a missile and drop it on. And I'm like, no, that's not a bad idea to solve the wildfire issue.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
that part of some sort of solution we can arrive at here i know i know that the aerial attack on forest fires i know it helps immensely but watching at home on tv it just always seems like they just flicked a little bit of water i think totally but then you see the footage no it was like 23 000 gallons in that one plane and it helped a lot
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, but like the tank of liquid O2 that froze the T-1000 in Terminator. That's right. Drop one of them bitches. I wouldn't help.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
It could. Mm-hmm. Maybe we could. You say the hurricane's a problem. Yeah. We have an answer. Except for the fact that hurricanes have more kinetic energy than most nuclear bombs. It's just spread out all over the place and happening at the same time. It doesn't all explode at once. Mr. Wizard's watching ass dad with your science facts.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
None but respect for you, Mr. Wizard. I don't know if you're still alive or not, but it had all the makings of he has to report whenever he moves and changes addresses. But he's doing science.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, yeah, shake and bake, engaged. Because in my brain, in slushy conditions, I would rather be closer on an 18-wheeler because it's throwing the water in the air, so it's not under my tires. The wipers can handle visibility. Just don't get too close if he jackknives that you don't have range. But, like, that's the calculations I used to make. And now I'm the dude in the right lane.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, man, but that was my shit, man.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
To me, the easiest way to connect with any stranger is sports or collective complaining about whatever's happening in that moment.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, if the line's too long, what the hell is it? How long it take to make a burger? It's a burger. But in that, there's not a bond as much as it is you're both group hating. It's almost a pile-on. So it becomes like a group of customers versus...
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
The cashier, like when people get more and more irate at the airplane gate when they won't tell you why there's a delay, and then people all start kind of barking at the gate attendant, you don't turn and swap numbers at the end of that. That's not someone you're going to see on a regular basis.
Pablo Torre Finds Out
A New Roadmap for Actual Human Connection, with Roy Wood Jr.
Yeah, it's like, no. It's like, it's good. All right, man, have a good day. Yeah, man, good, good. Yeah, man, glad you got here. Common cause, though.
The Commercial Break
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No, I'm in New York, thankfully, but I've got a lot of friends down bad out there. We're kind of still waiting for all the comedians to do a roll call, and we'll figure it out. Same as COVID, there's a charity called Comedy Gives Back. Yep, I remember. that did a huge telethon and make sure that entertainers, cause you know, entertainment's the first thing to go when the world shuts down.
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So, you know, we'll look out for people. I know that there, you know, There is the assumption of, oh, it's all rich houses, so they're all straight. It ain't all rich people up there.
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Do you remember when there would be a tragedy in this country? There would be a tragedy and then we would all cry and the news would cover it. And then there would be all the magazine articles that show you all the Pulitzer photographs of the tragedy. And then we would move on from that tragedy.
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About a year after that tragedy. Then you would get the conspiracy theories. Then those people would come out and go, hey, man, what happened didn't really happen. And you go, oh, tell me more. But now, the fucking... It's right away.
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TCB Infomercial: Roy Wood Jr.
The conspiracies are happening in real time with the fucking information. Motherfucker. Let me, let people get through the shit. It seems real fishy that there's a laser beam in that time. Did you see that?
The Commercial Break
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Yeah. Imagine having the discussion about the melting point of steel on September 12th. At least you got the loose change documentary. What was that, like three years after the fact? It was way after. Now we can dissect government conspiracy, but now everything is happening at the same time.
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And I say all that to say that when you start trying to place blame mid-tragedy, then you are taking focus away from the recovery efforts and the compassion needed for people to have. for those people.
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I'm getting it for sure. It's fucking morons yelling, the mayor cut the funding on the fire department. Which if you dig deeper, it's not even a goddamn truth. There was a lot of money still given to the fire department. There's no space for truth because we don't even take time to feel anymore. I know, it's scary.
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No, but that's fair. It's fair to say. Unless you watched me on Last Comic Standing Season 10. Or heard your morning show. Or heard your morning show. Buckwild.
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Is this miles under your feet that gives you this? I grew up reading newspapers. I'm the child of a radio news journalist. Your dad was very famous, right? So my dad was, you know, for his era, he was the first black in a lot of strange newsrooms. And he traveled the globe covering various conflicts. Got shot at pretty much everywhere, including America.
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Got shot at a lot of places he was covering bullshit. So I grew up in a house where Larry King Live was always on. C-SPAN was always on. Granted, it was in the back room when my dad was recording it, but it was on. That shaped a lot of just being curious about the world and culture. I remember fourth grade, man, in the 80s, everybody could write a rap song.
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Like the teacher, I don't know, it was one of those, if y'all stop being assholes, I'll let you rap on Fridays.
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Yeah, well, you know, one of those. That was smart. One of those dangerous mind, Michelle, who's the actress?
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Yeah, one of those Michelle Pfeiffer. Hey, you black kids in the inner city. Stop being mean. And I wrote a rap song about Michael Dukakis running against George Bush. Oh, my God. I remember that. Everybody else, I'm rapping. I'm the hip of the hop of the basketball. It's my favorite sport. Just vote. Vote for Dukakis or Bush and Quayle. Oh, my God. So that's me. That's me.
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That's who I've always been. And so, you know, when I look at the world now, you know, I majored in journalism. You know, I had an eye for more quirky, weird stuff. I always enjoyed watching pieces by Jenny Moose on CNN. Kenny Maine as well. People were a little quirk, a little different. Their approach to the a little more kaleidoscopic. Yep. And how they view things.
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No, loved Bourdain. Bourdain is the gold standard for any shows that are pitched after him. I couldn't agree more. It's the Bourdain for this, the Bourdain for this. The only person that I think was more ahead of the curve than Anthony Bourdain in a way is Dave Attell. He had a show on Comedy Central called Insomniac.
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right I used to watch that and Insomniac he would go around third shift various cities and it was kind of part Bourdain part Dirty Jobs you're right about that it was a brilliant show brilliant show yeah it really was I was just talking
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He was fucking heckling tattoo artists mid-needles while they were poking people. Like, this man is psychotic, but he's great.
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so this exploration of the world and what's going on and why things are the way they are i had that i get at the daily show and what changed was the daily show when you look at any world issue and you're trying to mine humor from it right the more painful and terrible and horrific the thing is there's not pain in the actual thing the jokes come in the causation or the prevention So interesting.
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If you're looking at, say, the L.A. fires, we could go back and roll back the clocks and look at Mayor Karen Bass and her policies regarding fire funding. Find truth in that or not. Or you can go on the angle of conspiracy theorists muddying the information pool when people are trying to evacuate.
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So those are two realms where you could crack jokes safely, and it's not at the expense of the people that are suffering the most. The victims. Yeah, so The Daily Show gave me an eye for that. Because Trevor Noah... My comedy before Daily Show was very angry. I was rooted in anger.
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Anger was the main ingredient from which I mined the humor where you can change anger into why is or have you ever noticed? And you can go to the same places and people are more inclined to receive that.
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He's kind of like a new Louis Black-ish in a way. Agreed. He can get ranty. I just, I can't do it. Also, I think my face is too round. You want to.
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Here's the bigger thing you missed as well. Michelle Obama's not there.
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I was like, she doesn't even want to be in the room with him. But if you know you've got to sit by Trump and Melania, maybe you don't want to do it. You know, you're looking at the same thing the week before when Vice President Harris is swearing in all the members of Congress. And the husband of one of the Nebraska— Doesn't shake her hand. Wouldn't shake her hand. Yeah.
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It's like award shows. It's like award shows. I went to the BET Awards and they like literally have like the seat place signs the day before for rehearsal. Yeah. And you're like, okay, we got to make sure 50 Cent can't be next to Ja Rule, but Ja Rule can't be too close to Ashanti, but Nelly hates this guy. So Ashanti sits here. We have to move Nelly and Ashanti over here.
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But Jay-Z, he's not confirmed. It's that weird thing, but with old politics.
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I think that we're in a bad place. And I think even within Trump's cabinet right now, you're still seeing infighting and disagreement. So they can't even come across the aisle on the same side of the aisle. So I really think to a degree, a lot of this... A lot of this presidential term will come down to how efficient of a cabinet he has. Yeah.
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This isn't even about Congress or the Senate or the House coming together. No. Can you motherfuckers at your private decide on what you're going to propose for the people to argue about in the chamber?
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Arguing about immigration. What's the best you got so far, motherfucker? Oh, let's buy Greenland. Yeah. Change the name of the Gulf of Mexico.
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Eminent domain? That's what he voted for? Yeah. Hey, I'll make Canada the 51st state, you fucking idiots.
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Why don't we go down there and take their little river dock machine?
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I'm not going to say what I'm saying in an unpatriotic sense. I'm simply asking a question of why at fun shit do we have to sing the anthem and remember the country's name? Don't forget America. Good.
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Football. No, you should be seeing this shit. I got audited. I've been audited three times by the IRS. And I don't know if you've ever been in a labor dispute with an employee over like wages and stuff where it gets really messy and you have to go up to the Department of Labor and In New York State, I had to drive up to Albany to prove I did not owe this fucking guy what he said I owed him.
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And and I was very angry at how fucked up this country is that someone can literally just on a sheet of paperwork in a room or without even having an opportunity for discourse, have all my shit fucking frozen. So I can't even do business with the other people that are honest and that I want to pay. No way.
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Now you should make me stand for the anthem. Because I'm not feeling very patriotic right now. Yeah, exactly. Because this country is fucked. And the way you allow people to fuck each other. And the Rock gets red. Don't forget America is good.
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When you're at the DMV for four fucking hours, yeah, before you leave, sing the shit. I'm going to give you your license. Yeah, that's so true. I understand the need for the anthem, but I just wish we would write a new one that was jamming a little harder. Just because something's old doesn't mean we have to keep doing it. Yeah, no, I don't disagree with you. Yeah, I don't disagree with you.
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And that was a funny, when you get into the idea of research and to your earlier question to me,
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journalistically the idea of doing research on a topic i find fascinating and it wasn't until i wrote that joke and i went well where did the anthem we know francis scott key made the flag but who wrote that and then you realize the anthem is a remake of a british song oh this is right you've talked about this in a special that's right fucking track shit we've been singing this whole time it's based on a beat by the motherfuckers we whooped
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And the Rockets red hair. Don't forget America is good. That's, when you're at the DMV for four fucking hours, yeah, before you leave, sing the shit. Yeah. I'm going to give you your license. Yeah.
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I'm nominating you to come up with something new. Maybe we should have a new anthem.
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And that was all that was. And thankfully, the real patriots didn't get mad. They understood where I was coming from.
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It's the only one I would counter with Jimi Hendrix on the guitar.
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It's like, okay, give me that. Yes. But otherwise, just let the game start. We know America's dope. I don't, you know, or maybe like after you, like when the McRib comes back, commercial.
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you think this country's fucked up but then the McRib came like right after the election and that was perfect timing you think that's not a coincidence the mainstream media don't want you to realize this they give us the food to pacify us we don't get angry about the election I saw a laser beam in the fire the fire came right after they took the McRib away I ain't saying that the McRib keeps us peaceful uh
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I have two million followers while I'm struggling to get three likes on a fucking TikTok.
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This is what's wrong with this country. And a brand deal. And then some energy drink will give him 100,000. Hey, I'm Fart Man. When I'm farting, I drink extreme murder water, or whatever they call it now.
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I mean, I think that... I think that when you look at people who make choices that people call brave or good or bold, you have to look at their assessment of fear and what they're jumping into. I didn't feel like in leaving The Daily Show, I was jumping into anything that I hadn't already been in before. I've swam in these waters.
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What, career uncertainty, not sure what's next, trying to figure it out. Yeah, I know those waters really well. I've been in this place, but every other time I was in those waters, I was pushed in the pool. So I can look around here and I can go, okay, there is no host. Hasan Minhaj is out. You don't know when or what. This is before John. I left before John Stewart was even a rumor.
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So John Stewart returning. I mean, so, huh. Well, if you don't know what the fuck. I could stay for a little while, but eventually it's going to be what the fuck. Yeah. And I don't know. I should probably start thinking about what I want to do next. Yeah. Because if I'm not careful, and keep in mind, but keep in mind, at that time, that show had no host.
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Correspondents were guest hosting, which was working fine for the ratings.
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Yeah. Fine. But this company's in a merger. What if you merge and you don't want to do this show no more? And don't tell me that that's not a possibility. Oh, the show has been on. It's an institution. All these shits is institutions. Until they're not. Anything's possible. Until they're not. 1230 on CBS was an institution. That's right.
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And then you're like, no, we're not going to spend that kind of money anymore. We'll do something that's cool and affordable. And we'll do after midnight. Yeah, cool. So what is what is. What is bulletproof when you're in an era where they will shoot a 30 million, a 50 million, a 100 million dollar movie and not even release that bitch? It's crazy because it does not make sense. Wow.
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So that's fucking expendable. So anything is fucking possible. So now was that understanding of the landscape and you're on a show that and then you're looking at everything that's going on with media companies imploding. We're making less shows. We're laying off people. The writers just ended. We're going to pay writers more. But to offset it, we're going to make less shows.
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So I don't know what's going on, but I do know an election year is coming up. And I know what I do really well is talk shit about. Yes. So if there's ever an opportunity to build a new place for myself, it is going to be now. And it is evident to me per my conversations with Comedy Central. This ain't nothing to do with the daily show producers. This is above them.
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And I know for a fact within Comedy Central, y'all aren't trying to build any new fucking pedestals right now. Right. You're not trying to put nothing on after Daily Show right now. And you got a child to feed, then you're probably smarter to leave now and figure it out. And you're blessed enough to be able to go and sell a special to Hulu and go sell a book and sell two TV shows.
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Yeah, congratulations. That'll get you to the next thing. Congratulations.
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So we're out, and it's not like a full parachute, but it's like that drag shoot to start slowing you down.
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Anytime shit look weird, I'm fucking gone, bro. I'm fucking gone. That's right. I'm leaving now because this shit looks weird. And I don't know what the fuck. Yes. And I think now. Oh, if your new Jon Stewart was going to be there, would you have left? No, I would have fucking stayed. That's Jon Stewart. Yeah. I still would have been wondering what's next.
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Because it ain't going to be hosting this. Yes. Because it's fucking Jon Stewart.
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So now, if anything, being with Jon Stewart or some other, I would have stayed with Hassan too. Like, it would have, I would have bought some time, but that five months of the writer's strike gave me a moment to go, wait a minute, what the fuck? I need to be in control. Yeah. I'm eating at other people's tables, bitch. I got to build mine.
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The idea of, man, I remember in radio, man, I've seen so many motherfuckers get fired. Yeah, we did too. We too. But, I mean, you know, you go home one night, and they would change the format of the station. The whole fucking station would get fired.
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We had the reverse. We had W.A. – AGG was 1320. And then it was like 680 La Mexicana. La Mexicana. Number one for La Mexicana. And they was playing all the Latino shit. And then one night, I'm just in the production room. I hear like... And then at midnight on the nose, Jesus, you're the center of my joy.
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They will flip a format and email you motherfuckers in the dead of night until you don't come in. We've already boxed your shit. That's it. FedEx it to you. So I'm not I'm not waiting for that when I know that's one of the possibilities right now. Mm hmm.
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You know, and that was a great run, but it was, if whatever I'm going to do next, this is the year to go do it. This has been a great job and a great opportunity, but I know this is not permanent, regardless of Jon Stewart, John Oliver, Colbert. They all could have come back one by one and all had a respective day sooner or later. My time here is finite. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in any place is finite.
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So if you want to do more. Then you're going to have to leave. So when you leave can either be up to you or can be up to them. And so I just chose to leave. And I'll figure it out. I always have. I started this shit sleeping on the fucking bus. So... Don't talk to me about, oh, there's a big chance of your skin. I know at minimum, at minimum, I can leave my house right now.
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And there are 30 cities I can travel to where strangers will show me love and I will give them jokes in exchange for money. And my bills will be paid. My son will be straight. His mama, too. And that's all that matters.
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As long as I got that. All this other shit is extra gravy, bro.
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Yeah. And you're doing what was on the 17th and CNN. We're back season two. Have I got news for you? Great show.
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You can stream the last couple episodes on Max. And all we're doing is doing a fake quiz show about the week that was in politics. But a lot of these issues are timeless. So I think it makes the show still very streamable. Yeah. That's not a word, is it?
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How was doing the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2023? Yeah, that must have been a highlight.
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That was chaos. It's wow. You can look out. You can do a political joke. Look out. And you can see Caitlyn Jenner staring at you with a scowl. And then you look two tables over, and it's Lester Holt. and not like a full-throated laugh because these are still his colleagues i'm joking about but it was that it was a black man giving me that encouraging yeah
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Mr. Miyagi at the end of the first Karate Kid, when Daniel wins, Miyagi looks on at him and smiles.
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Yeah, I hope they don't just have some author or something. I really hope they... Roy Wood Jr. for the White House Correspondents Dinner. Hey, slow down, motherfucker. I didn't say I wanted to do that. I said it was a good time. I didn't say I wanted to do it twice.
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They're fun. And in fact, I would argue those are more difficult. Award shows are more difficult than a Correspondents Dinner because... politicians and journalists don't necessarily take themselves as serious as actors. Yeah. That's true. Politicians aren't going to necessarily argue. They're not going to laugh at everything because of the politics of the room. Right.
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But actors, how dare you make a joke about anything? And why would you make a joke about him? He is a stellar performer. Wow, that was a mean joke. Like, it's a lot of that shit. Yeah, yeah. You can make those people laugh. then that's a whole different world.
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I'd say the only room that's probably more difficult or an actor that I think does a great job hosting, I think is underrated, is Anthony Anderson with the NAACP Image Awards. I think he's done some stuff with the Emmys, but when you're dealing with a room full of black folks and reverence and history and culture and how dare you and civil rights, and you can get them to laugh? Yeah.
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It's kind of like Super Bowl hosting. I don't know what Nikki got, but I know the Emmys pays dick, and I know that the Correspondents Dinner doesn't pay much And I say not much in the sense of this is just enough to turn around and just pay your writers.
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And now CNN. Oh, yeah. He does that thing on CNN, too. Yeah, where he does weekly quiz about the news.
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He's all over the place. Started off in morning radio.
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Yeah, it was the guy that plays, I think his name's Zach, but he plays Dylan.
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So weird. So the guy, Zach, was like, yeah, I thought I had more phone time. Sorry. Wait, you're ready to go into it.
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While we had them, we just had to go in and talk to them.
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We're up past 5,000. Come on, let's keep the momentum going.
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Nothing like talking to him about bedding his sister.
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The before and after, too, of some of that stuff is just awful. I mean, there's quite a few landmarks that are just completely gone. I know they're really, like, the Getty, I think, museum was...
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I have to say on that subject that Jeff and I were talking last night about it and we were like, it got us thinking, like, if we had to get out right now, what would we take? And it's a good exercise in what's essential and absolutely necessary that you would, you know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
I wish I didn't speak English. My life would be so much better if I couldn't understand you, all right? This is exactly why I love the Eagles. Even their fans have CTE. The last time the Eagles won the Super Bowl, a fan voluntarily ate horse shit to celebrate, even though no one asked them to do it, okay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
All right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Wow, these athletes have become so soft they're getting their ass whipped by nachos? Hey, let hockey fans be part of the game and throw whatever they want on the rink, okay? Popcorn, divorce papers, their most aerodynamic children. You brought them to a hockey game, you're already a bad father.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
All right, well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next week when we debate if a tie really is as bad as kissing your sister. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, it's not nearly as hot. How would you know that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
But let's get to the biggest story in sports right now. We got an NFL Super Bowl rematch for the ages. Philadelphia Eagles versus the Kansas City Chiefs. And that means all of our attention will be on one thing. Taylor Swift.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Hey, you don't know a thing about love, Costa. That's why it's so easy for me to catfish you into thinking I was a busty 25-year-old from Ukraine. Wrong again.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Okay, look, the NFL is not rigged for the Chiefs. It comes down to talent, okay? It's like calling this show rigged just because I win every argument, okay? I got the brains of Bill Belichick, and you look like the son of Forrest Gump. Okay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trans Military Ban, J6 Pardon Aftermath, Sports War: Super Bowl Swifties | Lil Rel Howery
Now, look, the game won't all be about stupid love stories. The Chiefs will be taking on the Eagles, and Philly is already practicing for a victory celebration.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
When we come back, Stephanie Hsu will be joining me on the show, so don't go away. Thank you.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
My guest tonight is an Academy Award nominated actor who stars in the Peacock original comedy series, Laid. Please welcome my good friend, Stephanie Su.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Dude, they didn't even stand up for me. Ronnie! I love you. Thanks for coming on the show. Your show. I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, it's great to see you. I haven't seen you in so long. Yes. This show you just did, you filmed it, what, like two years ago?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Only last year?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, that's right. I remember when you shot it because you turned down my pilot to do this show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, yeah, well, that means you didn't even see it. Your reps turned down.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, I remember. But it looks like you made the right choice because my pilot didn't get picked up and your show did. OK, well, thank you so much. And so it's a great show. It's super funny. We actually were in like three projects together.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
And I think you just proved that yeah, and I pride myself on being that yes Please call me if you have more than one Asian in your thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
What do you mean?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Scene's over. Yeah, as soon as the director says cut, my job is done, woman. I'm not waiting to linger in the kissing. Like, once, yeah. Once the love scene, once the director says cut, I'm like, all right, I'm out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, don't give him a sword. Now he's dancing with the sword. It's just a bad idea. He really just swung that thing around. We were about three inches away from finding out whether Melania is cake. This was a long night of celebration, and he ended it by thanking everyone who was important to him, starting, of course, with the person standing directly in front of him.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Wouldn't it be weird if I didn't stop, though? Of course.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, but that's like an acting, like, I don't know, as an actor, does it take a while for you to get out of the scene? I don't know. I'm like, no, my erection dies down immediately.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Wait, this is your surprise that you watched my comedy special on Netflix?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, it's okay. I get enough attention on this show. My name's in the... No, that's nice of you. Yeah, thanks for coming to the... When I was on tour with... Oh, wait, you never came a single time.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
No, I don't take it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
But thanks for watching it. It's so funny. I appreciate it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Dude, I love backstage, she's like, I have a surprise for you. I'm not going to tell you what it is. I'm going to say it on air. And her surprise was promoting my special. I don't think you know what surprise is.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
That's what it is. Everyone here is loving it. I promise you the comment section is hating this one. Tell us about Laid. Tell us about Laid.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
And just to be clear, I mean, it's not like they're dying of STDs.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
It's not that. No, no.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, so... I mean, that's the allegory, but it's not actually people dying of gonorrhea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, you can't die from going around? I don't know. I wouldn't know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
But, like, because it's kind of like Final Destination a little bit. When people die, it's always, like, some weird left field. And I watched it. It was super funny. I gotta tell you, I'm not just saying it. It's super funny. It's very watchable. It's that very watchable. Um... You're great in it. Thank you. You know, every time, everything I watch you in, it's like, you're so talented.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
You've got comedic timing out the wazoo. But you come out, like, you come from this, like, experimental theater background.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
So, like, how did you get it to this place where you can, you know, you're nominated for, like, Academy Awards for realism, realism acting, but you come from this, I don't know what you're doing in New York.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
A lot of what? Just freezing?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, like freezing?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, for you?
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Wait, you mean what was not available? Like, the...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
You mean work. There was no work. There was no jobs. There was no work. There was no jobs. So do you mean you went to experimental theater because you couldn't get a job or because you wanted to do it?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
You were a pure artist in that way. That's why it was surprising when I first met you. I was like, oh, she's, like, a legitimate... actor, like, artist. Like, for me, like, I tell dick jokes in bars.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
It is, but it's not, like... It's art. It's not really art. It's like I'm, like, this close. I'm, like, just whipping my dick out. You know what I mean? Like, I'm in a bar. Yeah, oh, I guess it is. I guess it is. I guess bad stand-up comedy is experimental theater in a way.
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, I feel like shit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, we're all mentally ill because of it. Because we're starting late, and then we're just not sleeping, and then we're just... And then did you consciously get out of experimental theater because you were like, I'm done with it, or it's time to get a real job?
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, I thought you were going to start with Melania, but I'm sure you'll get to her next.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Oh, so it wasn't even... It wasn't a conscious... It was just a table read for five years.
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Right, but it wasn't even staged. You were just developing it for, like, five years.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah, look, we all have different paths, but what's interesting about that, I'm always like... I'm always interested in the people who just, like, pursue passions without thought of money.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
You know, because I feel like you want even... You're doing experimental theater. Like, you definitely want trying to get famous.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
You were just, like, trying to get, like, these shapes out of your body.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Trying to get the shapes out, and then, dude, you got enough shapes out that you got nominated for an Oscar. I know. It was crazy, yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
So, like, when you're... How was the Oscar, for those of us who will never do that... Like, what's... Like, as a show business professional, there's the art and then there's the business side.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
So when I watch people, like, who are up for Oscars, the business side of me knows... The show side of me admires the artists and the business side of me is like, oh, they're going to do a lot of campaigning. It's going to be like a presidential campaign. Did you feel that way when you were up for the Oscars in the...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, you know what? He's saving the most important person, Melania, for last.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
You did not even read it. But if I was coming off an Oscar nomination, I wouldn't do a pilot either. So, by the way, I'm just joking about blaming you for it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Anyway, sorry. Yeah, Oscar.
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yeah.
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
I also worked with her, by the way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
I was in Young Rock. Yes. Yeah. Okay. I was like this cowboy Asian. Anyway.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Sold. Yeah. Synchronicity. Laid, yeah, become Laid.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
It wasn't underwhelming. It was like, I was asking you about your Oscar experience. Then you turned it into talking about how Ali Wong is awesome. So it was a nice deflect phrase.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Behind it.
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Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Wow, so rehearsed. So rehearsed. Okay. No, but Stephanie, you're the best. No! No, no, you're the best. You're the best. Thanks. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your talent. You're the best. I love doing stuff with you. Thank you. Everybody, Lay is streaming now on Keycard. Stephanie Hsu, everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Sorry, I'll tell you after that. That's our show for tonight. Now here it is, your moment of that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Wait, who the f*** is Chloe? Just... His wife is standing right there. He's just making up new family members. And she does not look happy, okay? I don't know about the Panama Canal, but tonight the Slovenian Canal is closed. Look, it wasn't all partying and disrespecting his wife, OK? He also did some work. Like, actually, a lot of work. Yesterday, that dude signed over 100 executive actions.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
I mean, look at that. He froze the federal hiring bill, something about genders. Then he said Cuba's a state-sponsored terrorist now. He renamed a mountain. Dishwashers are less efficient. What, he can do that? Look, he had so many executive actions, they had to, like, scroll through the tracks like it was an ad for, like, now that's what I call MAGA.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
And being the showman that he was, Trump wasn't going to sign these behind a desk with a pen and paper like a nerd, okay? No, he turned this into an arena show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Wow. Whoever caught that pen is so lucky. I mean, that is going to be such a cool thing for those guys to show their kids once they get their visitation rights back. And even after he got back to the White House, he just kept signing. I mean, this guy was so in the zone, he didn't even know what he was signing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Ooh. He's withdrawing from the World Health Organization like he's hearing the dessert options. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll have the tiramisu and potential measles outbreak with that. I mean, if you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it. Melania, now's your chance to update the prenup. Go, go, go, go. But you know... But you know what?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
I'm not going to be shitting on President Trump, okay? Okay, sure, he pulled out of the WHO. Who are those guys? What are the odds there's ever going to be a pandemic requiring global cooperation? So I'm going to go to President Trump with an open mind. You know, he won the election, which means he's a great guy who's right. So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, okay, look, he... I know that sounds bad for these woke liberals, but, like, does it really matter? You know, one year we're in, next year we're out. We've been doing the hokey pokey with these guys for, like, 12 years. They don't even put us in a group chat anymore, okay? Also, news flash, Paris Accord, yo, we're not going to reach the emission goals anyway, okay? This world is over.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
It's just an excuse to go to Paris, which overrated, okay? So, fine, he's taking us out of anything that involves the rest of the world, okay? I'm sure there's other executive orders that aren't any worse.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Yo, he brought back TikTok. Just as my brain was regaining its higher order functions. I mean, oh my God, that was close. Now, if you remember, TikTok was originally banned because everyone thinks it gives China too much influence over Americans. And to be fair, before I started using TikTok, I was a white guy from Iowa, okay? But the point... The point is, the people have spoken, okay?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Roy Chang. We got so much to talk about tonight. MAGA throws a party, Donald Trump rules by shoppy, and Jordan Klepper freezes his ass off at the inauguration. But you know what? This is day one of the Trump administration part two. So let's get into our brand new segment, the second coming of Donald J. Trump. Yesterday was a momentous day for the country.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
We want China to change our brains. What absolute idiot even thought of banning it in the first place? We're looking at TikTok. We may be banning TikTok. Okay. Yeah, thank you, President Trump, for saving us from that guy. What I'm saying is, all these executive orders aren't bad, okay? I mean, what else is he doing?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, okay, that does sound like a major change. Birthright citizenship has been in the Constitution for over 100 years. But, on the other hand, should you just be a U.S. citizen just because you were born here? I mean, I think all citizens should have to prove that they're truly American by taking a quiz on American history and failing it. Okay? If your score...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
If your score's above 60, you're going back to Asia or whatever shithole country has educational standards. And to be fair, nothing too extreme so far. I mean, it sounds like there's a campaign Trump that says things to win, and then there's a President Trump who rules more moderately.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, look, freeing violent criminals from prison seems less moderate and more like something Bane did, okay? But you know what? If you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it, okay? So... Concerns are overblown. And look, these guys have been in prison for like two whole months already, okay? I'm sure they've learned their lesson.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
See, he learned his lesson. For more on the J6 pardons, we go live to senior legal correspondent Josh Johnson.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
How many times do I have to tell you? OK. Oh, my God. Josh, did your gun just go off?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
Okay, look, save some of those hats for me. Josh Johnson, everybody. When we come back, Jordan Klepper went to the inauguration, so don't go away. Welcome back to The Daily Show. Donald Trump was inaugurated yesterday, and wherever Donald Trump goes, Jordan Klepper is not far behind in another edition of Fingers the Pulse.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
The once disgraced president returning to office after four years ready to enact terrible revenge against his political enemies. But first, party time! And what a party it was! Donald Trump got dressed up in a tux that actually fit him for a change and made his grand entrance in front of a Windows 95 screensaver.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump's First Day, Jan. 6 Pardons, Klepper Crashes Inauguration | Stephanie Hsu
They played YMCA, which is America's new national anthem, I guess, while Donald Trump did the presidential jerk-off dance because that's not like a song that has its own extremely famous dance moves. Then they brought out a cake with an airplane on it, which is the coolest thing any six-year-old boy can have. And wait, are they giving him an actual sword to cut the cake?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
You see, they said it was at the National Mall, but what I thought they said was the Nashville Mall. And let's just say all those white people in Tennessee were as confused as I was when I was protesting in front of an Orange Julius. Now, you can't speak about marches without speaking about the big, bad, sexy, Afro-repping Black Panthers. Look at them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Anyone wearing leather in the summertime means business. In 1967, the Black Panthers protested against California gun control by marching to the Capitol with their grievances and some AK-47s. That's right, white people. I know you like to think that being out in public with the big gun was your idea, but that was some black shit first.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
And while bringing guns to a debate about gun control is not very logical, it is very effective. In fact, it gives you the upper hand in most situations. My Uncle Bebo once walked into a Chipotle and forgot he had a loaded pistol in his hand. He got free guacamole for life. Well done, Uncle Bebo.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
But before you criticize armed protests, remember, it was a different time and you had to be there, which I was not. I wanted to join the Black Panthers, but the day before the protest, my barber cut my afro too low and I ended up with a buzz fade. I couldn't join the Black Panthers looking that square. I look like a Wesley Snipes who does pay his taxes.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
And finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention the powerful black women who fought to unshackle the chains of oppression. One of those icons is Ida B. Wells, who famously took over a 1913 march for women's suffrage. The white women said that she had to march in the back, but Ida refused, telling those white ladies, either I go with you or not at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
which is basically a turn-of-the-century way of saying, I'm about to take my earrings off, heifer. Now, I didn't attend this march either, because I was not yet born. But my grandmother Regina Wood Jr. was able to go, but she didn't go.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
She said she was going with her best friend Susan, but the two got lost on the way and somehow they ended up in the Caribbean, where they've been living as roommates ever since. Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Roy Wood Jr. This has been CP Time. And remember, we're for the culture. Must have been more than friends, I guess. They ain't got but one bed in they house.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Proud Negro men and women being arrested for no reason.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Oh, I'm sorry. Did the Klan fill out their paperwork before marching in my neighborhood?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Here's the thing. Newspaper Franklin was great. Newspaper Franklin was great. You can't argue that. But when they put him on TV, it was a different story. All of a sudden, they made him a stereotype.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Actually, Trevor, I don't agree. You have to look at the bright side of things. Yeah, maybe the cops arrested Dr. King and a bunch of our brothers and sisters, but they did it this time without violence. That's progress. I mean, 40 years ago, a white man wouldn't even give a black man a glass of water. Now, not only can we have water, we can get it whether we want it or not.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Why couldn't Franklin just do the hokey pokey, Trevor? You telling me black kids can't put their left foot in and take their left foot out? It looked like Franklin was auditioning for House Party 2.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
It was every time with this kid. Any time you walk down the street in Peanutsville, you might run into Franklin and his homeboy, pop walking. And even when he's hanging out with his friends, everyone else gets a normal handshake, but no, not Franklin. He got a slapped skin. See what I mean? All the other Peanuts are just kids, but Franklin's running around Peanutville like a damn baby shaft.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
He's a tiny bad mother. Shut your mouth. I'm talking about Franklin. Look, I just don't want him to be the other kid all the time. Even at Thanksgiving, yeah, they invited him, but look where they put him. He's by himself. Even the dog gets to sit with the kids. Why is the dog even at the damn table? It's cool though, Franklin. Franklin, look ma'am, Franklin, they did you a favor.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
You don't want none of that bland ass white people turkey anyway.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Well, I mean, I guess you could call that progress. Oh, I do call that progress. We've gone from lynchings to beatings, now to peaceful arrests.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
In fact, I heard Dr. King is coming back right here next month to Selma to march across that bridge, and at the rate of progress we're making, I bet you it's gonna be a fun day marching arm in arm with the police, and one day they'll make a movie about it, and it'll be called Selma, the day when nothing happened at all.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
Welcome to CP Time, the only show that's for the culture. Today, we will be discussing the history of civil rights marches. They were how black people fought the system, made change. It's also how your granddaddy got his steps in. Now, there are the famous marches that we all know about.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
The March on Washington, Birmingham, and the March in Selma, which I was getting ready to attend until I found out that march was on a bridge. I don't do bridges well. I told Dr. King if God wanted the black man to cross rivers, we would have been born with those little floaty things on our arm, like white people.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
But there are many other marches in black history worth noting, such as the 1995 Million Man March in Washington, D.C. Now, some people say the crowd size didn't actually reach a million men. But if that's true, it's only because it was the 90s and all those parachute pants took up too much space. But at least hundreds of thousands of men attended this march.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Black History Month
They gathered to call attention to black issues like structural racism, unemployment, and most importantly, an end to the jerry curl, or as I call it, the black mullet. That hairstyle has held more black men back than bad credit. The jerry curl is the only hairstyle that made black men look like Jewish mothers. Sadly, I did not attend the Million Man March. I tried to, but I misheard the location.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
RFK Jr.’s Fiery Hearing, Rethinking Social Media | Filmmaker Rachel Mason
I believe that vaccines play a critical role in health care. All of my kids are vaccinated.
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RFK Jr.’s Fiery Hearing, Rethinking Social Media | Filmmaker Rachel Mason
Right?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
RFK Jr.’s Fiery Hearing, Rethinking Social Media | Filmmaker Rachel Mason
What would I do if I could go back in time and I could avoid giving my children the vaccines that I gave them? I would do anything for that. I would pay anything to be able to do that.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
RFK Jr.’s Fiery Hearing, Rethinking Social Media | Filmmaker Rachel Mason
I am supportive of vaccines.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Blasts South Africa for “White Genocide” & Trump Merch Needs a Spell Check | Simon Pegg
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Ronnie Bell.
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Trump Blasts South Africa for “White Genocide” & Trump Merch Needs a Spell Check | Simon Pegg
How the what?
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Trump Blasts South Africa for “White Genocide” & Trump Merch Needs a Spell Check | Simon Pegg
Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount+.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Blasts South Africa for “White Genocide” & Trump Merch Needs a Spell Check | Simon Pegg
It's like daddy arrived and he's taking his belt off.
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Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
You're listening to an iHeart Podcast.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
For measles? Um... Probably for measles. You know, what I would say is my opinions about vaccines are irrelevant. I don't think people should be taking advice, medical advice from me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Trump Greeted By Sword Dancers in Qatar & RFK Jr. Swims Up S**t Creek | Colum McCann
Heat oil is one of the components of processed foods and all the science indicates that ultra-processed foods are the principal culprit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Yeah, yeah, I was gonna interview him, but... Damn, why is it so good? It's so small, but it's so good. Uh, right.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | 4/20
Look, look, Jordan, I just wanted to relax a little bit. It's 420. It's 420. So, so... I... On our 420, I just smoked a little bit of weed, and then I smoked a whole lot more. You're high during the show. Come on, man. The news is so depressing out there. I just needed a break. Plus, it's Black History Month, man. Back up off me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
But as we get further and further away from his life, it's easy to forget what he was really about, which means sometimes people celebrate him in a really up way. So today, I'd like to show y'all some of my favorite MLK ups, like this one.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
Are you serious? For MLK Day, 25% off for black clothes? What it should be is 100% off for black people. Free at last, free at last. Pants, tops, and coats are free at last.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
That's right. Celebrating MLK Day with a sale is like commemorating Samuel L. Jackson Day by whispering. That's not what the man stands for. It's not like in the middle of his mountaintop speech, Dr. King just broke off, remember me with savings too insane to be believed. I might not get to that store with you, but my eyes have seen the power of the discount. Come on, Coretta, let's roll.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
Oh, it's not just a white thing. In fact, Dr. King might actually be proud that on his special day, people of all colors and backgrounds have been up.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
There will be no twerking here? Sound like Gandalf in a Tyler Perry movie. There will be no twerking here! And then, you know, the strippers fly all over the place. Also, how are you gonna Photoshop Dr. King with gold chains to try and make him look cool? He was already cool. Look at these real pictures of Dr. King from back in the day. Look at him playing pool in a suit.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
In a civil right, fresh from a march. That shot's so cool, it doesn't matter if he misses. And here he is making the library look cool. Standing in front of books like they stacks of money. But this is my favorite Martin Luther King, wearing sunglasses inside. Trevor, he could have taken that call in private, but he left the door open for the haters.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
But maybe, maybe the most popular activity on MLK Day is using his legacy to push your own agenda, and no one has done it in a more interesting fashion than this guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
Okay, okay, hold up. I'm pretty sure on Dr. King's list of priorities, giving slaves guns comes way below not having slaves in the first place. The logic makes no sense. This makes no sense. How would you do that? Like, do you think the slave owners would have just had a little chit chat? Well, shit, we set them free. Oh, no, don't set them free. Let's make it interesting. Give them shotguns.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
Now, I will say this. If slaves did have guns, the movie Roots would have only been 15 minutes long. Your name is Toby, or whatever you want us to call you. It's cool, wasn't it? Cool. OK.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | How Not to Celebrate MLK Day
Listen, man, it's simple. MLK was for racial equality, economic justice, and stood against the exploitation of the poor. And he did so because he knew that one day our great nation would rise above bigotry, injustice, and poverty. And on that day, my friends, there will be twerking for everyone, everywhere. Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
He becomes Questlove. Now, this is also a great time for black actresses. Octavia Spencer. Octavia Spencer, man, became the first black woman to get nominated two years running. And then there's the Best Supporting Actress nominee, Miss Mary J. Blige. Yeah, that was amazing. And I've got to admit, that was a nice surprise. Aw, man, it wasn't that surprising.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
As soon as I saw Mudbound, I knew Mary J. was getting a nomination. She ain't wearing no makeup. Trevor, any time... Anytime a black woman in a film don't put on no makeup, you know it's gonna be some serious acting. You got Oprah in the color purple, Monique in Precious, and Madea in Alex Cross. I almost didn't recognize her.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
That's right, man. Everybody got recognized, man. Black people, women people. But you're forgetting the biggest breakthrough of them all. Fish people! Did you see Shape of Water? Bro, they got a fish person, an actual fish person, not in a background role like they normally get. This fish person is the romantic lead, and he got to smash. Bro, that never happens. A fish got to smash.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
That doesn't sound like a... Oh, oh, wait, wait, you're right, you're right. Little Mermaid, she got some pipe, but only after she turned into a human. Now, I'm not blaming the Little Mermaid as an actress. Back then was a different time in Hollywood. Fish people had to take the roles they could get. But this dude in Shape of Water, yo, he's openly fish and still gets the girl. Suck it, Aquaman.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
And the Motion Picture Academy is looking to get film fans involved. The Hollywood Reporter says this year folks on Twitter get to vote on their favorite movies of last year using the hashtag OscarsFanFavorite. It can be any title, so you're not limited just to this year's nominated pictures. The movie that gets the most fan votes will be recognized during the Oscar show.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
In Hollywood this morning, the Motion Picture Academy did spread the wealth around a number of diverse projects. And the movie with the most nominations was made by a man from Mexico.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
Expecting expertise. Expert indeed. What's up, Roy? Hey, man, look. In the past, it was hashtag OscarsSoWhite, but this year, it's hashtag OscarsSoSorry. People who were long overlooked are finally getting their due. Obviously, the big one is Get Out. Four top nominations. That's dope. Little known fact, Trevor, a lot of people don't know this. Get Out is based on a true story. What, it is?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
Hell yeah. Get Out is the true story of a prominent black neurosurgeon trapped inside the Trump administration. Now, they changed some of the details, but tell me, tell me this ain't Ben Carson every day.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The Oscars
He good, man. It's a British black dude playing an American black dude. That's like how you sit at this desk and pretend to be Australian every night, or whatever the hell accent that is. Wait, what? But also, man, don't count out Denzel. In Roman J. Israel, Denzel Washington plays Questlove playing a lawyer. The layers of that performance, bro. Boy, he's not playing Questlove. I know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Oh, it's Roy Wood, oh, it's Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
You sound just like United Airlines. Captain gonna tell me I need to sit down and put the sign away. Not tonight. Fly the plane, Sully. Okay, Roy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
I mean, you know, dude, it was grown ass men brought to tears. You gotta remember, dude, Cub fans, this wasn't just for them. This was for the generations, three generations of ancestors who never lived to see the Cubs win the series. So then if it was for generations, who were you there for?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Because it came on TV. Look, in Alabama... Look, in the 80s, only two baseball teams came on TV, the Cubs and the Braves, and I couldn't watch the Braves because they came on at night, and my daddy wanted to watch Airwolf. What you know about Airwolf?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Oh man, it's the lucky robe. I ain't washed it in a year. I was riding all over the game, man. I had it on last night, fellowshipping with complete strangers. Plus, when that storm hit, this the best part, man, that rainstorm started coming around the ninth inning, this robe sucked up all the water and I brought it back as a souvenir. Look at this right here, man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
That is authentic game seven precipitation. Oh, yeah, man. I'm ringing this out. I'm going to sell this for a grand and ounce on eBay, man. This is concentrated victory, boy. Go ahead and hit you some of that. Hit that. No, I'm good, Roy. I'm good. All right, you're lost, man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Welcome back sports fans. I'm Roy Wood Jr. My usual partner Michael Kosta is out this week But it's all good because I got my man Ronnie Chang with me and he is psyched to talk baseball aren't you Ronnie?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
You know Ronnie baseball is America's national pastime.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Well, lucky for you, this week's big story has both.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Now, that was a great thing to see, Ronnie. Josh Hader busted for racist tweets, apologizes, and now the Milwaukee fans are showing forgiveness.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
It kind of looks like some people are clapping for the racism. Okay, well, we don't know. Let's just be honest. We don't know why they were clapping. Sometimes you just join in on something because everyone else is doing it, like the wave or cocaine. What? No, ew.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Yeah, that's how sports work. The better you are, the more shit you can get away with. Josh Hader is an all-star, which means he's so good, he can bounce back from bad tweets. Ron Artest was so good, they let him punch fans in the face. And Shaq was so good, he got away with Kazam. Hall of Fame, bro.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Up to three babies, I'd be fine with that. But hey, let's move on to a lighter story.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Oh man, selfie stations, you gotta admit, Ronnie, this baseball team really stuck it to those millennials.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
But rest well millennials, you aren't the only young people having problems at baseball games.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
No, no, pro tip. If you want a ball, you don't steal it from a kid. You go to Walmart and you steal it like a goddamn adult. This story makes me so mad, Ronnie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Come on. Ronnie, Ronnie, look, no matter what you think of baseball, we can both agree this guy is an asshole.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Well, but still, the kid could have had a second ball. Now he's only got one ball. He's walking around like Lance Armstrong. I don't like that guy.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
Thank you so much for coming in. My real partner, Michael Kosta, will be back next week. Thank God. Ronny Chieng, Roy Wood Jr., everybody. We'll be right back.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Baseball
A good night last night for Florida. How about those Tampa Bay Rays? That was good. It tells me that the people in this area know a little something about turning an underdog into a victor. Philly fans, you do know all about turning an underdog into a victor. Red Sox fans know how to turn an underdog into a victor. Three!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Look, I know I'm being over the top, but it's time for everyone to be over the top about climate change. Now, if you'll excuse me. Time to bring these no chill polar bears to life. Sure feels good to save the earth and finally use my polar bear costume for non-sexual reasons.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Climate change, climate change, climate change. Everybody's talking about it. Just turn on the TV and you'll hear stuff like this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Polar bear invasion? I thought they were chill cartoons drinking Coca-Cola. Climate change is getting apocalyptic, but do you see me taking the bus or going vegan? After this burger, after this burger, I'm done with beef. After this... I know the world's ending, so why is it so hard to do anything about it? What the hell is wrong with me? I blame evolution. Meet author Dan Gardner.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
He believes my willingness to sacrifice Antarctica, California, and most of the eastern seaboard for a delicious burger isn't my fault.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
So it's a learning disability that we all have from when we were cavemen. Yeah, that's it. Try to explain climate change to me. I'll be the caveman. You try to explain. Well, here's one way.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Dan explained that we evolved to have two systems of thinking. System one is the caveman brain, fast, intuitive, instinctual. And system two is the analytical scientific Albert Einstein part of our brain. Now, who do you think would win in the fight?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
That's the reason no matter how many facts we tell people about climate change, if the temperature goes up even two degrees, we won't even have coffee anymore. Funny stuff, Roy. It doesn't get through because we're only talking to the Einstein part of the brain, system two. Ooh, that's milk. Won't be no more milk when the cows come. So how do we explain the world is ending to a caveman?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Oh, I just need to trick my brain into really fearing climate change. All right, I'm gonna put on this shock collar. You tell me something scary about climate change, and give me a shock when you say it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Oh, bitch! You shocked me for real! What is wrong with you? But after three and a half painful hours, I was scared of climate change. And I would never pee on the rug again. If I was going to save the planet, I had to make my coworkers truly fear the melting ice caps, the heat of wildfires, the unstoppable sea level rise of climate change. And I knew just how to get through to them.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change
Get used to it. The oceans are rising. This is how hot it's gonna be if you don't stop driving that damn thing and get on a bike. Go, get on a bike. Get on the damn bike. Yeah, yeah. Sea level rising, ice caps melting, super hurricanes are about to- I heard you was going around doing this. Back the up at my office.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
Oh, welcome to CP Time, the only show that's for the culture. Today, we'll be discussing black contributions to fashion. Normally, when we think about black fashion, we think about church hats so big they block your view of Jesus. Or we think about those suits that Steve Harvey wears that hog all the buttons. Leave some buttons for the rest of us, Steve.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
They're keeping my clothes together with staples. But in actuality, the world of fashion has been filled with influential and iconic African-American designers. Like our first trailblazer, Zeldawin Valdez, who was one of the first designers whose clothing accentuated women's curves. Before her, women's fashion covered up their figures with big-ass skirts the size of a Carnival cruise ship.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
Women would get lost just bending over to tie their shoes. Zelda's curve-flawing designs were so popular that Hugh Hefner asked her to design the iconic outfit for the Playboy bunnies. I never went to the Playboy mansion myself because I was married and I also have a severe phobia of rabbits. You never know where rabbits are hiding.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
If you can pull one out of a hat, you can pull one out of anywhere. Kiss my ass. I don't want to be around that. Another black creator of couture is Stephen Burroughs. He rose to fashion prominence in the early 70s during the disco era. I was always confused by disco. I couldn't tell who was dancing and who was giving me directions. But disco isn't just about the moves.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
It's about the fashion, which Stephen Burroughs helped shape. He hung out at Studio 54 and was popular among its celebrity regulars. He was the first to design clothes that were comfortable on the dance floor, even at 3 a.m., right when the cocaine hit so hard you thought you were the disco ball. Cocaine was better in the 70s.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
Burroughs also invented lettuceing, which is when you make the material at the edge of a garment curve and ripple, like a piece of lettuce. I'll have to take his word for it, because I've never eaten a piece of lettuce. My favorite vegetable is caramel-covered popcorn. And finally, our last designer brings us to the modern day.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
Virgil Abloh, the first African-American artistic director at Louis Vuitton, and driving force behind this decade's streetwear movement. He made high-end fashion take streetwear seriously. You know, fancy logos, T-shirts, chunky sneakers, hoodies, pretty much anything you're not supposed to wear to a funeral. unless you and the deceased had beef. Rest in peace, Spencer.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
These Jordans are stepping on your grave. Now, don't be fooled by the term streetwear. One of Abloh's biggest companies, Off-White, sells sweatpants for over $300, and this luxury undershirt costs $200, although I don't know why you would spend so much money on a shirt that ain't nobody gonna see. You know how much I paid for my underwear? Nothing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
A six-pack of drawers fell off the back of a Walmart truck in 1987, and I never looked back. So the next time you zip your fly, and you're looking fly, remember the African-American fashion trailblazers who made you that blazer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make my first shirt retail price $10,000. This old man has his debts. Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Roy Wood Jr.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Fashion
This has been CP Time. And remember, for the culture, make me some... Oh, damn. Somebody give me a napkin. I'm bleeding on my fabric.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Let's get right into it. Now, look, I know everybody want to talk about Trump, but first, let's talk about the opposite of Trump, women's basketball. Last night, the LSU Lady Tigers beat Iowa in a tournament that had record-breaking viewership, but it wasn't just who won the game that left people talking.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Oh! Oh! Did you see what that black woman did to the white woman who did the same thing to a previous woman in a previous game? Must tweet. Can't resist must tweets. First off, Caitlyn Clark herself was okay with the shit. She was fine with it, because Caitlyn gets that trash talk is part of the game. And I agree. Personally, I think trash talk is good for sports.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Sports is better when there's trash talk. Even better when it might start a race war. You can't see me. You can't see me. And to be honest, man, this was some good competition, yo. Kaitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese. This might be the new Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird. This might be the start of a feud that bleeds into the professional and into the WNBA.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
You think Kaitlyn Clark ain't back in Iowa right now training? You think she ain't right now dunking off the side of a barn? LSU might have messed up and created a monster. The last thing you want in your life is a white woman with a grudge. You seen the movies? Them white women get mad? Hey, you get a white woman mad, they keep coming and keep coming and coming. Did y'all see Alien?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
That alien pissed off Sigourney Weaver one time and then Sigourney whooped that alien's ass for four straight movies. Then, then she went and sicked a predator on they ass.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Earlier this week, we told you how LSU beat Iowa in the Women's NCAA Basketball Championship, and there was some epic trash talk this week between Angel Reese and Kaitlyn Clark, and tempers have been bubbling all week, but finally, finally, a peacemaker has emerged.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
No, you're wrong. She's talking about peace and unity, y'all. Why shouldn't the losers be standing proud with the winners? COME ON, JILL BIDEN. YOU'RE TRYING TO TURN THE WHITE HOUSE INTO A PARTICIPATION TROPHY. NOBODY LIKES PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. EVEN THE KIDS DON'T LIKE PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. NOBODY.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
NOBODY'S EVER CAME HOME AFTER SCHOOL AFTER THE BIT GAME WITH A TROPHY LIKE, YO, CHECK IT OUT, I STRUCK OUT 12 TIMES. FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TURN TO DESI LIDER. DESI. HOW YOU BEING, DESI? GOOD TO SEE YOU. Now, Desi, we've been talking about this story around the building all week, and I know you'll agree with me.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
The whole thing, the whole thing on this issue comes down to one word, and that word is... Racism. I'm sorry, but you think this is racism?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
You may not quote Malcolm X. Got it. I hear what you're saying, Desi, but this is clearly sexism. This offer, this would have never happened in men's sports. But women are expected to get along and to share the prize simply because they're women. If I could quote the great Gloria Steinem. Nope.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Desi, let me explain to you how internalized sexism works. Let me explain sexism to you. Dr. Jill Biden treated these adult women like a bunch of high schoolers who all had to be invited to the slumber party no matter what. That's not what you do. And I know what I'm talking about because I watched Handmaid's Tale a couple seasons. That's the name of it. Is it Handmaids or Handmaid's Tale?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
Yes. Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden made a mistake. Maybe next year, the White House should have Vice President Kamala Harris extend the invite. You know, another strong woman.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | March Madness
That's right, girl boss. Yeah. Yeah, give it all.