Sam Tallent

I went to Disneyland. I brought my whole family to Disneyland like two weeks ago, and I was just crying the whole time because of how proud I was. Are you footing the bill for that whole thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you are. Let's fucking go, Sammy. It's crazy. Well, who is the whole family? And your dad, your sister? No, no. Because it's extended.

So, no, it was just my sister-in-law and then my niece and my wife. Gotcha.

Yeah, so I flew them out from Michigan, and then we went to Disneyland, and it was like I was just like sunglasses on, just watching my niece eat churros, just sobbing, just wiping tears. I was watching them like I was the only person in our party that knew I had terminal cancer. Like I had a secret and I'm taking it to the grave. Get another churro. I can't take it with me.

I can't take any of this. You got Mickey ears on. You're crying your eyes out. Dude, for real. Yeah. I had a big goofy movie tank top on and I was just weeping.

Right. And that's why we moved to Detroit was to be closer to them. Okay. And yeah, now I just got this little insane half Lebanese girl who is like the apple of my eye. She, dude, someone in our party, I'm not going to say who. I've been told not to say who. Sure. Okay. But someone in our party, an adult, went up to, we went to the Bippity Boppity Boutique in Disneyland. I'm well aware.

I don't know it. You can get the princess experience. Okay. And they get turned into a princess, and there's tears, though. For young broads. I've never been to Disneyland. I've been to Disney World. That is the gentleman's choice. Yes. Yes. But we were like, she's not going to remember it anyway, so we're not going to go Disney World yet. Okay.

But yeah, there was a little girl there who was getting dressed up as a princess, and one of the adults in our party went up and went, oh my God, you're so beautiful, Mulan. And then the little girl went, I'm Snow White. And I went, because she was just Asian. Sure. Yeah. But there's like a holding pen where you can watch the princesses get their makeup done. That's weird. I know.

That is a little weird. It's just a room full of little girls being like, you know, bedazzled. And I'm standing there with all the grandmas and the moms, and I'm just weeping. And after, like, five minutes of just, like, ugly crying, like, fucking Clint Eastwood.

No, no. They were getting more inquisitive. And then the bravest one finally went, do you know one of the princesses?

Like, I can't believe you brought this. Our dishwasher smells like a ferret cage.

Why don't you get a new one? We did. We got this, the second one, and it still reeks. Oh, that's a bad pipe. But I can't smell it because of years of, you know, abuse. Sure. So I'm like, it smells good to me, you know. Do you have well water? What do you have? We have good water. We're very close to one of the lakes. Okay. Yeah, so we have really solid water.

Interesting question. I am now, but forever I wasn't because I thought it was a complete fool's errand, just a waste of my precious time.

I would rather put in a dirty dish and then there's a little bit of schmutz on it still. I'd rather take it out and then wipe it off as opposed to sitting there in the kitchen for two seconds. I know. Yeah.

OK, run it again. You'll do a whole full load except for one new addition. Yes. That's nuts. Yeah.

We're all in glass houses here. Some would say a solarium. You have a ferret in your dishwasher. You guys know Nick Rochefort? I know the name, maybe. He's one of Sam Hyde's buddies. He was in Million Dollar Extreme. Okay. I met him at Skank Fest. I was delighted. He runs this antique store, Chamonix House out of Rhode Island. Okay. I went to his house, and he has this couch there.

Sammy. Man, you really fired it up for that one. Yeah, man.

Did I tell you guys about this couch already? No. Dude, he got me a couch for a fucking steal. He got you a couch? He went to this big time, I sat in this couch and I was like, this is nice. He's like, I got a guy.

You went to like a whatever? Timothy Olten, which is like a high class leather goods. And I got this couch, white Bianco leather, and I got it for 60% off.

Too big to fail. Is it a new couch or an antique? Brand new. But there was like one gouge in the back of it. So we got it for like 60% off. I get it in the house. I'm like, honey, this is the most expensive thing I've ever purchased. It's a 90.

The most money I've ever spent on anything.

I've never disclosed the number. It brings me deep shame.

Good for you. Guess where it is now? Trash. In the basement near the ham. What? It's been relegated.

Because it's not comfy.

I will never have cup holders in a piece of furniture that I have. Why not? I think that that really filled me with a horror. That's the way to go. I understand, but I'm trying to create a vibe in the house. And it's not... Ham and nice couch. I know the vibe. Ham and ferret smell. What are we doing here? Look, man, I'm Blade. I can't get a picture of this house. Dude, this is hilarious.

The ham, the couch.

We were just in Detroit. I know. I wasn't there. I know. I looked. I was going to pop in on your happy asses. Because he's rolling.

Fucking jumps right up. You were like Dominique Wilkins from the free throw line. I had to craft singles in the bathroom. Oh, is that what that rapper sound was? Juice me up a little bit. I go yellow, not white. Hey, no one accused you of anything else. Man, that white, you guys love the white, that fake provolone shit.

Mm-hmm.

My wife went over to my friend David Borey, a very funny comedian, and he's a plus-size gentleman, and she saw how well he was doing in his couch.

My wife's always scanning, dude.

On his belly, not.

She's standing on the other side of a two-way mirror watching him. My co-host for my pod, Shelby Behemoth, Nathan Lund, and my buddy Pat, who makes Wide World, our travel show, they're both big men. They came to our house. And my wife hit me up, and she's like, hey, you guys having fun? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, hey, just make sure you rotate them on the couches. And I was like, what?

And she's like, yeah, I don't want Lunn leaving a dent and Pat leaving a dent, so make them move around. Jesus. That's how concerned she is with these couches.

Yeah, it sucks. Because you're sitting there, and you're like, man, I love where I live. I love that this is my couch. I go outside in the morning with my coffee, and I look at the flowers, and I say, that's my fucking flower.

It's nice. But then you're in that couch, and you're just like, oh, no. The contours of my body have ruined this nice thing.

Man, fat people are gross. Amen, sister. They should be in camps. I think Ben Stiller made a movie about that.

He did. Heavyweights. And then he just did it again in Dodgeball. Same guy. Similar. Globo Jim. Very similar. How deep does this thing go? White Goodman. Very. White Goodman.

And there's a couple more things in there. Yeah, in between the two movies, he hit a kid with his car and had to dry out. Exactly. Exactly. Did that really happen? No, no. No.

And they were rotten.

I love guanciale. You give me that neck meat. Who doesn't? I'm happy. My wife hates it. Really? Yeah, yeah. What does she like that you eat? Pussy. She loves lentils. She's always trying to eat new garbanzo beans. Yeah. Lentils. She's going to live forever. There you go. She's going to leave a real hot body after I'm dead. Some 19-year-old CNA. And inherit all that ham. Oh, yeah. And a couch.

She got the couch. Will that couch go up in value? I doubt it. Not after what me and my crew were doing to it. We're pressure testing it down there.

I do my projects down there. There's a room in our house where me and my niece are allowed to just paint on the walls and go crazy. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. I was like, Emmy, I need a room where I can fuck it up. And then she was nice enough to give me the two sinks next to the dishwasher, and they're just wrecked with paint.

Yeah, she's been very big, about 40 square feet of this house she's been very generous with.

We only have one. One fridge. Brand new fridge. It's awesome. It has crushed ice.

Yeah, this way. Nice. Okay. And then people just keep bringing me hash, so there's like a whole like- What? Well, it's Detroit, so people will bring me hash all the time. Why? Is hash big in Detroit? The Lebanese influence on Michigan has made the hash like the best in the world. Huh. Yeah. I know. I'm learning all this. Gyros ain't bad either.

Yeah, Dearborn, where my wife's from, is like the number one- Lebanese. Just Muslim population in America. Really? Yeah.

Probably per capita, yeah. I bet Queens. I'm not sure what that is, but yeah. I think Luke's got to count on every one of them. He knows where they are. Queens is big. I hear the call to prayer every day. Do you? Yeah. God, that call to prayer, man. I was staying in Paris one time where they had a call to prayer and it just wakes you up at the fucking sun.

Except for Velveeta. I always thought the white stuff was like, oh, maybe one day if I save up. Sure.

And you're like, oh, I'm glad everyone's praying. I hear the church bells, too. Yeah. Very diverse, my neighborhood in Queens. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's a beautiful place. Get whatever you need. Hamtramck's similar in Detroit, where it's like all of them. You got every one of them. Sure. Yeah. You can get a Yemeni coffee, and you can get fucking pierogies. There you go. Yeah. And boy, the toilet.

You need two toilets for that one. One and a half bath ain't going to help you there. No. You need an old priest and a young priest. Talk about riding side saddle. Yikes. You're going to throw the saddle away. You're going to put the toilet down. Send it to the glue factory. All right. Okay.

God forbid we just keep having fun.

Oh, crab legs. Just there fucking boxing out old Chinese women. I'm fucking Rodman in the paint, dude.

What's up, ladies? There is an etiquette where you're circling, waiting for whatever, the crab legs in my instance, to come. And you keep looking at the jello squares. Like, well, this guy really wants to know how many fucking jello squares are in there.

You guys give out T-shots? That's why I'm here. Even fatter move, they bring you to your table, and then you kind of like... You think we could get this table and it's the one closest to the crab legs? Yeah, so you position yourself in the vicinity of what you want. Smart. I've done that.

Dude, I lived in Vegas when that shooting happened. And it was all hands on deck. The city came together to donate blood. And at the casino by us, if you donated blood, you got a free buffet coupon. So, boy, howdy, was I donating blood.

I had a monocle. Just sucking them dry.

The translucent man is back. Hey, that jellyfish guy's here.

I did.

And I needed it. I think Tommy was on something as well. Yeah. He was fucking Molly Cyrus that evening. I don't think it was Tully Mordu. No, he was the Pink Pony Club.

We are fucked up. And you're a bit of a handful at the tables, too. You have a way of talking to people that scares me. Thank you, Sam. Thank you. At one point, you mouthed off to the dealer and fully grabbed my leg under the table.

I've never called you a liar. I've called you an asshole.

You made me flinch by the way you talk to these professionals. Yeah. So what was the gross thing I did?

You can't bury something that's from the dirt. I mean, do you remember back in the day being super poor and, like, hanging out in front of movie theaters and just taking Snipes? Yeah. I had, like, a Ziploc bag full of Snipes for, like, three years. Snipes for three years? Yeah, and I would just have Snipes, and then if you didn't have any cigs, you'd just roll them in Bible paper and you had cigs.

If you're going to make a melty, cheesy, beefy sandwich, I think that white cheese is superior. Of course.

Hey, man, I was trying to live.

I'm a Dust Bowl farmer at that point. And you're just torching my crops. But boy, do you want some wheat tomorrow.

yeah it was rain won't grow out here dude you remember when we were at that table and that fucking like psycho uh honey guy that beekeeper dude just took a chair from our friend and we were like hey man like he's sitting here and he's like looks like i'm sitting here no we just sat at the table with this guy that none of us wanted to be around because we wanted our buddy to be there he was a nice guy but it was like i just remember like he was a beekeeper i think he was i think he ran an apiary or something i don't even

Yeah, man. But yes, I have staked out a buffet. For sure.

Do you know where yours is at the moment? No. Oh, I do. My dad has it.

Pay no never mind to that. Yeah, no, I always thought you had to have your social security card hidden. My mom kept it in a fireproof safe of some kind.

At one point, mine was laminated, and then my mom tried to use it for something, and they said they couldn't accept a laminated card. So now mine's, like, ripped and destroyed.

She did, I remember. Not well, really. She had to steam it. I remember her, like, standing, like, over. Like, remember when you would play football and you needed a mouth guard?

That's crazy. Pretty much, yeah. Frank Abagnale. My mom's a... She had her fingers in a lot of pots.

We just reset the show.

Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. That was my mom with the social security thing. There you go. Now, the kids now have different mouth guards every game. Yes. Yeah, but I had that same one, and you would just chew on it.

Yeah. Like, your teeth would be touching. What about the strap on the helmet? What about it? I would leave mine undone. What? Purposely, yeah.

Pretty much. No kidding. Yeah, I was bronzing in there. They didn't say anything to you? What are they going to say? Put your chin strap on. Yes, sir. I can't get a demerit because I want to be all league again. Yeah. No kidding. I had my chin strap always buckled up. Oh, it was like the tough guy move, like no chin strap. No kidding. Yeah, it is a tough guy move.

I don't know who it was for. CTE move, too. For sure. Yeah.

I don't know. Sam's sundowning again. He thinks there's crab legs.

I see you there. I've lost some weight.

God forbid your jaw moves backwards on the hinge. Yeah. That made me throw up. Yeah.

That and a cup I always wore.

Yeah. I got hit in the balls with a lacrosse ball. Lacrosse would make sense. Projectile sports make sense. But yeah. Yeah. And I remember, dude, like, just grabbing people's sacks. No kidding. Oh, yeah. During the game or after? Getting in the armpit hair. Like, if you were on for, like, PAT and the kids are going up to block it, you grab their armpit hair and yank it out.

They're never going up again. Jesus Christ.

His shoe's on the wrong feet.

It's all black and white.

Golly. There's all these stories of pile trauma, like grabbing ankles and spinning it. I was never in a pile long enough to pull out a fucking, to gig someone, you know, to get color in the pile. I remember hearing that. I was like, damn. Yeah, that's a bit much.

Very well-traveled you are. I like it out there in the world. The world's beautiful. It's nice. Also, hey, to your listeners, the cherry blossoms are in bloom across this country. Get out there and see them right now. Of course. I was in Japan Christmas until... I was there for like 16 days at the beginning of the year. How many times is that? This was my third time in Japan.

I mean, I have in the past a lot. Yeah. Well, here's my issue. Who's making the mac and cheese? Because if it's like white person mac and cheese that's kind of like soupy and runny, you want a spoon.

Because you want to scrape all the delicious Velveeta goo off the bottom. But if you're eating like a classic black mac and cheese that's as thick as the pot is long, you need a fucking fork to chop off the corner.

I will say this. In White Lotus, they're eating the Thai style with the spoon and the fork, and I've been emulating that, and I love it.

You get a spoon, you get a fork. If you need to chop or poke. Yeah. If you want a scoop.

So they have a spoon, and then they have a fork. Yeah. And then when they're eating stuff, there's like a pull-apart, if you need to, for like the chicken. They work together. Yeah, yeah. Because Thai people do this? Mm-hmm, yeah. They don't use chopsticks? So that's the thing, is I thought they were chopstick people.

I don't know if you're supposed to say chopstick, people, but, you know.

Yeah. I understood what you meant. Thank you. But, yeah, so, like, we eat a lot of Thai food, and I was always asked for chopsticks, and they were like, we don't have those. No kidding.

There's holes in a fucking fork. Also, the concave nature of the spoon makes it better for cutting than the fork is. The spoon's actually a better cutter.

You're right.

In like the last two years. I did take my dad, I took my sister, my brother-in-law. It was awesome. My brother-in-law, I don't know if I should tell this story. But anyway, we had a really good time. Let's just say they're pretty stringent about who they let in.

It was easier back then.

You're not wrong.

You can't get a good bite. Plastic spork, get it out of here. I'm snapping off that tine, and I'm so busy. Tine, that's what it's called. Yeah, when you get plastic fork and you snap it off, odds are I'm eating that fucking tine because I didn't notice it snapped. I'm with you. You know how many times I've been in a food court and accidentally ate plastic? Enough that it's a story.

The tine is the three prongs that go off the floor. The prong is a tine. Man, you are a writer. It's pretty good. I thought tine was...

Usually the spoon's in the roll-up. True. I'm not in a lot of places where I have to ask for a spoon. Really? Yeah. The spoon's in the roll-up. Where are you eating? That's prison shit. What do you mean? A spoon in the roll-up. I don't know, man. You know the roll-up, right? Like the napkin roll? Of course. Yeah, yeah.

I usually think all three are in there. No. Fork and knife. Really? That's crazy talk. Oh, I'm out there? That's saying quit and shit. This is too far? That's sink-sink.

Yeah. It's a telescopic one. It goes long. No, I'm just rubbing it against the concrete to prep myself. You got a baby bird in the other pocket? Yeah. I was riffing on the Latin Kings pretty hard last night, boys. I got it. What do you got?

Oh yeah. No kidding. Oh man, they do not like to open their doors to anyone with a murky past. Someone who made mistakes as a youth, it's not his fault. No kidding.

I feel like I've never had to ask for a spoon. And if there's not a spoon, I'm not being like, hey, I don't know how to eat now. I can figure it out.

They have that long metal spoon, too. If someone starts reaching, you can slap their hands with it. Those spoons had to be outlawed. Those spoons, because we go to Korean barbecue a lot with my friends in Denver, those spoons had to be outlawed in the same way that pantsing people had to be outlawed in my early 20s.

I remember being at weddings. That should be a question. When was the last time you pantsed someone or been pantsed? My 20 years coming up, and already my friends are like, is there a Truce being called.

We're almost all 40. Are we going to be? Well, the worst one was the pants and the push. You ever get pants and push?

And it's even better because there's that moment where you go over where you're like, well, my pants are down. And then you look up and you see your underwear or, with my dirtbag friends, just your fucking revealed balls.

I'd move for sure. It is funny that moment of you're like, well, this is surely the bottom of my day.

There's no way this could get worse. And then you've ruined the one jacket you have in the mud at your fucking rodeo wedding you're at.

I get in one of those big nets. Yeah, they move three of the crates that everyone's sitting on aside, and they bring in one big beanbag chair, and I plop down.

My dad passed out at my sister's wedding. He got too high. And then there was like three minutes of the wedding where we were like, I wonder if my dad's dead. You know, we're like dancing.

And he got too high. My dad got too high. So then he's fine, obviously. And then my sister's like... you ruined my wedding. To you? No, to my dad. We thought you were dead for a big part of the speeches, old man. It was during the speeches? No, no, it was towards the end of the evening. But yeah, he did succumb to his own vice and he was just on the ground. And my wife's a doctor and she was like,

Went over there, you know, boogaloo. Passing out from weed. Some good shit.

You put him underneath that flag at half-mast in the VFW where all of the weddings in your family take place.

I can't believe you remember the concrete in the wedding hall.

Laying under a don't tread on me flag. Yeah. Everybody salutes him, goes back to the dance floor. One guy freaks out because he's underneath an American flag and he remembers all of his buddy's funerals. Starts losing it. Fold up an Eagles flag, give it to your mom.

How are you even dumping over there? Oh, man. Standing up in the alleyway. Natural disaster. I'm like Andre the Giant. I'm squatting in a fucking bathtub. Talk about Fukushima. Yeah, I have to throw the sheets away.

It was good. Thank you. Just time it, time it. That was my favorite part of the show is where you go, nothing on that. Nothing on that. It's like there was maybe a third of a second for the joke to hit, and you're already reeling.

Oh, I understand.

So we had an old broken down RV on our property, and we'd play in there. That's fun. Right, but remember the seats? Underneath the seat covers in those old RVs, whatever they stuffed those seats with was toxic to skin. Sure. So you'd be in there being like, I'm driving the school bus. And then you go inside, and it looks like you were exposed to Agent Orange. It looks like you got stung by bees.

Yeah, I remember coming inside and my mom being like, God.

I think house. House?

Because there's, like, cabinets and a little fridge and a sink, you know?

Playing a poor family. Uh-huh, yeah. We were just playing the same thing as my other house. But I'm in charge. Fruit roll-ups are any time.

That's my sister. She starts fake crying. The 180 on, like, living in a van or an RV, when we were young, it's like, oh, man, you know, it'll turn around. But now it's like all these kids living because, first of all, it's the only financial legitimate choice they can make.

But then also it's like, yeah, we're freewheeling. All we need is each other and the National Park Pass. Yeah. So I don't know. I know a lot of, like, people who currently live in vehicles, but it's as some kind of, like, you know, on the road. They do hook them up, too. They look really nice. For sure, yeah.

You don't got to go to college. Trust me. Yeah, whatever you do. Take it from me, a guy who took fucking 18 years to graduate.

Yeah, I just, yeah, well, thank you.

Yeah, it's all ghostwritten.

Yeah, I think it's the ramification of mass peer pressure. Right. Because I used to open for hypnotists occasionally. When I was doing the Mountain Time Zone, there was a lot of hypnotist shows, and I would open, and you'd sit there the whole time just trying to figure it out.

Classy. I think about you guys a lot just because your rise was very close to when I was kind of ascending. Yes, our trajectory was very similar. And I feel like no matter what happens, I'm always going to be stoked to see you guys. Love it. You can't bury something that came from the dirt. Damn.

Yeah, and the whole thing is the guy would walk around the room, and he'd just be watching people watch me, and he'd see people who he thought would be susceptible to his witchcraft.

Yeah, yeah. So then they round him up. And then the thing is, you'd get like 15 people up there and there's a whittling down. So there's like four different games he would play before he had the final three. And then those three will do whatever the fuck he wants. Right.

It's like part of the show, and also this is their big moment, and they're on stage, and they're being peer pressured in front of a bunch of people, typically in a small town, who they know. So it's like all these different Venn diagrams swirling to create the perfect mark, and then you find that perfect mark, and then they'll quack like the duck or whatever.

But that's like therapeutic hypnotism.

This is like, you know, there's a fucking brisket buffet by the stage hypnotism. Where's that at? Yeah, tell me. Carney, Nebraska. Yeah. So it does work. So it is real. I don't know. I think what he's describing is a completely different phenomenon.

We would need to like.

Yeah, we'd have to get Cthulhu involved.

Taking their tops.

Huh, so I got $100 for this. You're back there clucking like a chicken? Oh, yeah. This is all bullshit. I'm back there battering myself. That shit's like, if you see that live, it's one of the best shows. It's like when you see a magician comedian.

This guy's got a way with words. I heard a special teams player on the Saints say that when they didn't cut him.

That's the classic Asian comic move, where they go up, and they're like, well, you know what they say.

Right, yeah. And then 12 minutes in, they're like, I'm just fucking with y'all. And everyone's like, no way. And then they close. That's it for me.

Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Auckland. We're adding Wellington. Auckland's like almost sold out. My favorite beef. There you go, man. Yeah.

Yeah.

Random House, put it out. It's available wherever. Buy it from your local bookstore. That helps them. It helps me. Chubby Behemoth. Chubby Behemoth. Yep, that's our podcast. Wide World on YouTube, The Travel Show, Iowa City, and Omaha next weekend. A lot of fun, exciting stuff coming up, too. I just like making stuff with my buddies. You guys get it. It's the best. We're the luckiest guys alive.

You mean Hunter Hurst Helmsley. He refers to AAAs as Hunter Hurst Helmsley. Dude, I literally take my financial advice from Mick Foley. I heard Mick Foley recently. That's not good. I know.

Buy barbed wire now.

Smash them. He said it's not what you make, it's what you save, brother. That's good. Of course. So I bought a house. There you go. Did you buy a house? Did you buy a house? Yeah, out there near Detroit.

Look at you. My wife's from there. It's like, dude, we couldn't buy a nice house in Denver. But in Detroit, we can own this beautiful home. Sure.

No, no. Dude, what am I? I don't have the energy. I don't give a shit to try and make $60,000 on a huge hassle. Yeah.

I bring a man in.

Yeah, give my wife a checkbook. Here, honey. Do you have a checkbook? I had to work in Toledo. Yeah. Do you have a checkbook? I have four checks. They're like in the gun safe. That's good.

Not to me.

He's got a secret family in Tuscaloosa.

Tuscaloosa's son. Checks are for girls, man.

No.

I made us a little stamp we can use. Oh, classy. What are you?

Hey, man, if I knew who the fuck that was, maybe. Maybe I would be. Hey, Gary the Giraffehead? You got any more Verona riffs? Verona! Capulets and the Montagues. I'm sorry, Shakespeare. No, no, man. I liked that earlier. You don't have a... You stamp? That's classy. Well, I carve these little linoleum things. It's like whittling, I think.

My grandfather was always like, I will watch TV and I'll just be carving shit and it's fun. But yeah, I made us a little return. How do you clean that up? With a vacuum cleaner. You're doing it just on the floor? Yeah, in my living room. Really? And my wife will be like, what are you doing? And I'm like, doing whatever I want in the home that I pay for.

I do, of course, yeah.

The ham now that we have in our new house. You have one? Of course. Yeah, so he gets like the big legs.

Yeah, yeah.

If you look around, they got some nice stuff there. You're spelunking in a Costco with a headlamp on. Come up out of a big thing of underwear. Caviar is delicious. Do you like a foie gras? I do like a foie gras a lot, dude. I love spreadable meats.

I know. It's about to be in my heart, too.

It's so good, dude. Yeah, it's so good. Rabbit tartine or tartan, whatever it is. Sure. Yeah, it's like cat food, man. They have the best cat food in France. You wouldn't go near that shit. No. So good. You can get a Wawa pretzel.

Loser.

Mine is too from all the meats.

Yeah, and it's in this room in our basement.

Is it in the finished part? It might be Swedish. I'm not sure. He has a weird accent either way. Yeah, he keeps offering me figs. He does weird sex stuff. Oh, boy. I have all these chambers in the basement. Chambers?

Fucking freak.

I can't trust myself. It should be in the gun safe with the checks. Next to the checks. Breaking case of emergency. It's in this room in the basement, and we recently had DTE, the energy company of Detroit, come over to test us for a gas leak, and in the room that it's in was high for gas. It's been in there for like a year.

You cover it up, right? With loose tin foil. It's like throwing a blanket over a dog's cage. You have to quiet it down. It's gross. Talk about leader of the pack. If you guys came over, you would love the ham. I showed you how to cut it. Trust me. How do you make a sandwich? Do you go down there and get it and then bring it upstairs with the rest of the stuff? I don't.

I go down there with the bread in hand and just slice it off and pile it up. Do you leave the knife down there? There's a knife in the room. There's a knife in the room. How do you clean that off? I don't clean off that knife. I wipe it on the towel. I just smooth it on the towel that goes over the hand. Like an old barber? Yeah. Got a leather strap.

I have that barbicide tin, and I put the knife in there. It's actually just Gatorade.

How long will one of them last you? Oh, who knows? You know, until my wife makes me throw it away.

If I didn't know you guys and you were just in town and I was like, come see my house and I had a ham in the basement, you'd be like, this is the coolest guy alive. Sure. Do you tell them how old it is? No, no, no. How old is it? It's been over a year. It's over a year? Did you move with it? No. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was a housewarming ham. Fair enough. It was like the first thing I bought.

I don't think the movers would have took that. No. Fucking Fed showing up at your door. This guy's got a femur bone in here. Honey, I have to flush the ham in a hard drive.

When did you move in? May 31st, our mortgage started. Look at you. And then we moved in in like August. Yeah. Sure. That's shifty. What's the yard situation? Who's cutting the grass? We have a service. You have a service. Everything that I can streamline into not having to do anything. I have a solarium in the house. What's a solarium? It's a glass room. Whoa. Yeah, it's like a human.

I think it's like a deli. I wish. Are they cold? That's in the basement. You have one of these? Yeah, a solarium. Whoa. Yeah, and I write in that room. I sit in this big chair and I write. It smells different than the rest of the house probably, right?

Because it smells like me getting skin cancer. Ah. Because I'm sitting in a greenhouse. Ah. Yeah, it is. And then my wife comes in and she says, where's your sunscreen? And I say, knock next time. Wait, that's pretty sweet. It's awesome. It overlooks the backyard. How many bedrooms is it? Four. Four bedrooms. How many bathrooms? One and a half. And I cannot sit down on the half bathroom.

That seems. In the powder room. Lopsided. It's downstairs. It's a jewel box right next to the kitchen.

The sink is right in your face. Dude, it's like when we got the house.

It's exactly like an airplane. Yeah, and I have to go side saddle if I must use it. If my sister and my wife are upstairs in the good bathroom putting their ointments on. As women tend to do.

It's ointment time. It's my house. She's allowed to pop in. Hey, asking so many questions.

No, no, but she comes out.

Comes over to put her ointment on. She's been hitching, you know. Is that true? No. She could be. My sister. When's the last time you hitchhiked? You got a bit of a hitcher face. My dad had us hitchhiking a lot as a kid. Jesus. Yeah, because he had this old Volkswagen magic bus, and it would break down, and then we would just have to hitchhike home all the time. Yeah.

58.

58.

Yeah.

The greatest, powerful Ari Shaffir. One of the GOATS of guests.

Okay.

So.

Wow.

378.

Take your shoes off! Oh, my God. Take your shoes off!

You know, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Wow.

Thank you.

Do you ever see like a super cut homeless guy and just feel terrible about yourself? Fuck the gym. I'm gonna start fighting my demons on street corners. That's some high intensity interval training right there. I had a date recently. It was a first date. The topic of hobbies came up. Now, I like hunting, but what's worse is I can only really afford to hunt squirrels. So yeah, I mentioned that.

And there's nothing to gain by admitting you're a squirrel hunter on a first date. Yeah, that is a lose-lose situation, if you're wondering. Because they have to respond like this gal did, which is, oh my God, get this redneck asshole away from me. Or, or they can be into it, which I think is worse. Somehow, if they're like, oh, my God, you kill rodents and skin them and eat their flesh?

Wow, you're such a provider. That's so masculine. That could be dicey. That could be dicey. I don't know if I'm going to quit for that, but that's my time, guys. Thank you. Sam Cokes. Hello, Sam. Hello. How are you? How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost a year. Almost a year. Where at? Mostly in Austin. Where at before that? Oh, you know, Shakespeare's... No, but where before Austin?

Oh, a little in Detroit, but mostly here in Austin. Is that where you're originally from? No, I'm from Ontario, Canada, a town called Sarnia. Yes.

Sarnia, yeah, like Narnia with an S. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, got it. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what the hell, man? What the fuck?

I do sales, Tony. What are you selling, Sam? Eight... I do HVAC. I'm going door to door. That's right. I know. I feel like I'm leaving a wake of mildly annoyed people behind me the whole time. I haven't really reconciled that, but it's fun. I enjoy it.

Well, the craziest thing, I mean, I lived in a van in Australia for a year. Why? Yeah, so that was kind of, that was exciting. But why? I was planting trees there. I was planting trees in Australia. Oh, why? For money. You got paid to plant trees? It's a good coin. Yeah, a lot of people think it's volunteer work, but you actually get paid per tree.

And once you get good at it, it's actually pretty good.

I never plant the trees here, only Canada and Australia, but it varies from like 10 to 25 cents per tree. But you plant thousands a day, so it adds up. Even the Mexicans are like, what the fuck?

Here's the thing, though. You plant thousands a day. Okay. So, you know, you can make pretty good money. It's hard work, but it's fun. You get to live in the middle of nowhere, have crazy parties in the bush with a bunch of weird hippie people. It's cool. Very cool.

Most Canadian thing about me? I don't know, man. I didn't play hockey. That's pretty Canadian. I think planting trees, man. Like, that's pretty Canadian. Yeah, that is. I have a lot of trees. Most Canadian thing about me, man. I don't know. That I hate Trudeau, I think. That's pretty Canadian. That's a consensus these days. Like, that guy kind of sucks.

Were there any black people where you were raised? No. Nope. Were there any Mexicans? No Mexicans either. What's heaven like? Yeah, exactly. Amazing. I enjoyed it. I don't know why I left, honestly, in hindsight. It was pretty good up there. Sounds quiet.

He's the guy.

He makes these hilarious videos where he has like a fucking dick sucking machine and then he'll be at like TSA security. Hold on.

This is crazy. You like what you like. Red Band, you'd love his stuff. He can't find it. I know.

I'm guessing very early. I bet it was so early you have no memory of it. But you do have mammaries of it. Ow! We should work together.

No.

Yeah. Did you ever get Jew bashed?

Ian, I think you can explain the punchline.

Are you sending him dick pics, too? No, no, no.

What are you doing, molesting young women?

You rascal.

So she doesn't sing Latino. Does she sing in Spanish?

Yeah, she's got a man on the street. She's surely got another guy, too.

I bet I can guess who it was.

There's some fat guys.

Damn. And you were crying. Yeah.

Well, that's a feather in your cap. Yeah.

Your second joke is way ahead of the curve for six weeks. The American Samoan thing. That's a great joke. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I think if you took a breath right now, exhaled, you did great. Be here now with us.

Thank you.

Well, I think I know some other stuff he might do. Yeah? Yeah, be an extra on Boy Meets World. Boy Meets Aurora. Thank you. Say, hey, Cory, you need to be cool. Hey, Cory, you need to be cool.

I feel like somehow you're doing a racist impression. That's what I love about him.

You sound cool as fuck though. Yeah, definitely. You look cool too.

Okay. Nice recovery. Yeah. That's okay. The Godzillas have been mean to your people, so... Let me apologize on behalf of my people. Gomen Nassai. That's how you say sorry. Eeyore.

If you don't do that, you have to do seppoku, right?

Your dad owns a body waxing salon? Nail salon. Nail salon? Oh, I thought you said nair salon. Yeah.

$18 available everywhere. Books are sold. Here's what Shane Gillis had to say. You'd never expect this abomination of a man to write such beautiful prose. But Sam Talent has done it. Wow, what a book. So if glowing praise like that doesn't sell this thing, please, Random House reissued it. It's available where all books are sold March 25th. And thank you to Kill Tony for being so nice to me.

Like a fetish. He is Japanese.

Yeah, what she do, man?

Oh, my goodness. This is unbelievable. Well, it must be hard to see it, because it's all blurred out. That's Japanese, Sam.

Tony, if I may follow your line of inquest from earlier, would you mind telling us what you think the blackest thing about you is?

Thank you.

Jabber... He thinks it's a new slur he's never heard.

I know. You must be starving, Kansai. But remember, if you really like it, it's not impolite to slurp. Exactly. You know... It's probably hard to eat it with chopsticks.

It's fucking weird that your grandparents all slept in that bed.

He was fucked up on Zans, man. He has no idea.

That's enough for me, yep.

That doesn't make you gay, trust me. Not at all, right?

Maybe I could have got a heart if it weren't for those meddling kids. Damn.

Well, he didn't do it. He's a pussy.

That's what you needed, buddy. That's like giving that last guy a loaded gun.

Well, they call it red face fuck. I'm kidding. I've known Mike forever. He's very funny. Oh.

Wow. You're not overeating. You're overeating.

I got a fun story about Mike here. Let's do it. Fucking Mike a couple days ago gets in my DMs because I'm also on weight loss medication. And I was talking on my podcast about how my burps are terrible. You get fucking terrible sulfurous burps. Oh, fucking disgusting. It's bad. Well, it's either that or morbid obesity. You know, so...

Uh, so he, this fucking jerk-off, hits me up, and he's like, oh, man, my fucking girlfriend was sucking my dick the other day, and she said my load tasted like, what was it? Quote, toxic sludge. Oh, God.

You got some rando eating your goo?

You're getting your renter, you're going to explode.

She loves ice cream.

Are you a big fan of Nat Charmin? Who that is? Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

You look like an anti-Semitic puppet, dude. What's going on in your pocket? What's in there, man? I'm playing with my penis, dude.

If I'm guessing based on the demographics of that subculture, I'm guessing they don't watch this show. Right. Yeah.

Did she know how to tell a story that was funny? Yeah, exactly.

Look who was laughing at him.

Now, what was the punchline? You calling her a big fat bitch or something?

I've heard this story a bunch, man. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Wow.

You guys are brave. You're the bravest ones. Yeah.

Yeah, and then you're getting all those dust-ups with Aladdin's monkey.

Secrete might have been the most racist word you could have used. Secrete is insane, bro. Yeah. You should have kept that part a secret.

Well, you shouldn't have taken her to a movie. What was she talking about?

Wow. The market price joke was great. That was a great joke. Yeah, thank you.

They loved it, you were right there. Yep. You got to get your hand off your little fucking hidden cock.

I was trying to set up the Nat Sherman thing that way too, but no one spiked the volleyball.

So it's eating when the sun's up.

Your dad's an aerosmith?

There's no allies in space.

Wow.

That's not even the darkest story after that fucking Jimmy guy on mushrooms, so... Well...

20% discount. We'll be taking all of this land.

Ari, I'm so happy for your success, man.

You look like you read.

Well played.

Oh, the Death Star's so hot.

Yeah.

It looks like they issued it to you at Ellis Island. Like, hey, welcome to America. We wear this on this date. And you were like, oh, crazy man. Or however, you know. Like, oh, dude, that's crazy. I do not like Patrick. I don't even know what it's about. What's it about? Well, I'm not wearing green because I'm a masochist. I didn't get it. I like to be pinched. Oh. I still think it. Read a book.

Like mine, Running the Light, available March 25th.

To be fair, you did live in America, though.

I have no doubt, Ian. Yeah. You should have seen it, man. It was fucked in there. How did it end up just being the two of you?

Whenever I did a cool dance move, you would just restart the track. Yeah. Yeah. It was magic, man.

I agree. I don't like a loud bar.

Hey, Vancouver, Washington.

No, no, no.

Was that a list of people to kill? Yeah.

It's one scared guy and a DJ being like, who will suck who?

Yeah.

You got to fuck 369.

Yeah, gay guys don't stay up late.

Now that's gay as hell. I know.