Sarah Koenig

He wanted me to evaluate his case based on the evidence alone, not on his personality.

Quote, I didn't want to do anything that could even remotely seem like I was trying to befriend you or curry favor with you.

I didn't want anyone to ever be able to accuse me of trying to ingratiate myself with you or manipulate you, unquote.

And having to do that made him feel bad, he said.

I had a rough year.

My stepfather died in April, then my father died two months later.

Adnan knew that, quote, but I couldn't say anything to you because I had to stick to what I know.

Can you imagine what it's like to be afraid to show compassion to someone out of fear they won't believe you?

I was so ashamed of that, unquote.

And this second guessing, this monitoring of everything he says to me and therefore to the outside world about anything really, but especially about his case, he writes in his letter that it's crazy making.

Quote, I'm always overthinking, analyzing what I say, how it sounds, and the fact that people always think I'm lying.

All this thinking, it's to protect myself from being hurt.

Not from being accused of Hayes' murder, but for being accused of being manipulative or lying.

And I know it's crazy.

I know I'm paranoid, but I can never shake it.

Because no matter what I do or how careful I am, it always comes back.

I guess the only thing I could ask you to do is, if none of this makes any sense to you, just read it again.

Except this time, please imagine that I really am innocent.

And then maybe it'll make sense to you.

At this point, he wrote, it doesn't matter to me how your story portrays me, guilty or innocent.