Sarah Schauer

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately.

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately.

No, it is. But I mean, it's just it's I mean, it's just nice to say that. Also, your dog is just chilling.

No, it is. But I mean, it's just it's I mean, it's just nice to say that. Also, your dog is just chilling.

Yeah, that's The thing is, is like, I mean, there's different like recovery programs and like you shouldn't be a figurehead for AA. Like even now, like I don't represent it. But I mean, like there's like smart recovery and stuff like that. If you are not religiously inclined. I mean, I don't have a I don't really believe in God.

Yeah, that's The thing is, is like, I mean, there's different like recovery programs and like you shouldn't be a figurehead for AA. Like even now, like I don't represent it. But I mean, like there's like smart recovery and stuff like that. If you are not religiously inclined. I mean, I don't have a I don't really believe in God.

So you can't really solve an equation if you don't have. Am I adding to am I adding to is it? You know, you would just have X plus X equals something. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. It came to me. If you're like, I'm purely logical. It's like, so you're not doing anything. Right. You know, you're not existing or moving throughout the world. Like emotions are what moves you or compels you to do something.

So you can't really solve an equation if you don't have. Am I adding to am I adding to is it? You know, you would just have X plus X equals something. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. It came to me. If you're like, I'm purely logical. It's like, so you're not doing anything. Right. You know, you're not existing or moving throughout the world. Like emotions are what moves you or compels you to do something.

So, yeah, I mean, I and so I'm just yeah, like there's different recovery programs. And I know that AA has its issues and I'm not a representative at all. You're like just you. So you hate it. Yeah, yeah. I really hate it.

So, yeah, I mean, I and so I'm just yeah, like there's different recovery programs. And I know that AA has its issues and I'm not a representative at all. You're like just you. So you hate it. Yeah, yeah. I really hate it.

But there's it's just yeah, it's been really, really nice because like getting sober, it's like kind of like coming out where like it can be isolating, you know, where if you were like I used to date dudes and stuff. I don't know. Yeah, I was. Yes. Yeah. I want to get into that. Yeah. Like it's like you come out and you're like, oh, my friends are going to still like me. And so some of them do.

But there's it's just yeah, it's been really, really nice because like getting sober, it's like kind of like coming out where like it can be isolating, you know, where if you were like I used to date dudes and stuff. I don't know. Yeah, I was. Yes. Yeah. I want to get into that. Yeah. Like it's like you come out and you're like, oh, my friends are going to still like me. And so some of them do.

But then. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, we have vastly different lifestyles. Totally. And so like with like being a lesbian and then like getting sober, it's just like you, you know, change your lifestyle. And then now people are like weirdish about it. So you got to find like new friends each time.

But then. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, we have vastly different lifestyles. Totally. And so like with like being a lesbian and then like getting sober, it's just like you, you know, change your lifestyle. And then now people are like weirdish about it. So you got to find like new friends each time.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

None. No.

None. No.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, um, no, yeah, it's like, I do also talk about, like, de-centering men a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, um, no, yeah, it's like, I do also talk about, like, de-centering men a lot.

I, the misandry and de-centering always get confused, but I, I love- De-centering. So, like, in America, it's an individualistic culture. You're taught to center men. Like, this is the patriarchy. Like, you're meant to serve them. Everything that you do is for them. You look good. You show up. You give them all your energy. You don't ask for anything in return.

I, the misandry and de-centering always get confused, but I, I love- De-centering. So, like, in America, it's an individualistic culture. You're taught to center men. Like, this is the patriarchy. Like, you're meant to serve them. Everything that you do is for them. You look good. You show up. You give them all your energy. You don't ask for anything in return.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. No. And so like you're taught like so it's like socialized. It's like a social prescription. It's like a pill that you're supposed to take every day. And so it's like men are the best. You'll never be good enough. You got to like all this stuff. You're fed that. And then so decentering men is like slowly undoing how you're socialized to recenter yourself.

Yes. Yeah. No. And so like you're taught like so it's like socialized. It's like a social prescription. It's like a pill that you're supposed to take every day. And so it's like men are the best. You'll never be good enough. You got to like all this stuff. You're fed that. And then so decentering men is like slowly undoing how you're socialized to recenter yourself.

You know, like and so the thing is, is when you say decentering men, a lot of people think that means like abstaining from men.

You know, like and so the thing is, is when you say decentering men, a lot of people think that means like abstaining from men.

No, you can love men and you can date men. But like as long as you when you decenter them, it's like they're no longer the priority. You don't do stuff for them. And yes, you still exist in a patriarchy because. Yeah. If it was that easy to escape the system, the system itself would not exist.

No, you can love men and you can date men. But like as long as you when you decenter them, it's like they're no longer the priority. You don't do stuff for them. And yes, you still exist in a patriarchy because. Yeah. If it was that easy to escape the system, the system itself would not exist.

So, yeah, it's like an everyday practice of just like making sure you choose yourself first and what you want. And, you know, it's kind of like socialization like involves cultures and cultures are like customs, attitudes, beliefs, you know, language, important texts, important figures.

So, yeah, it's like an everyday practice of just like making sure you choose yourself first and what you want. And, you know, it's kind of like socialization like involves cultures and cultures are like customs, attitudes, beliefs, you know, language, important texts, important figures.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

I know. But it's all happening.

I know. But it's all happening.

Yeah. And so like when you decenter men, a lot of people are like, how do I do this? Well, think about it like going to a different culture. What would you need to do to prepare? And so like you're a raging feminist, you know, at the moment. Yes.

Yeah. And so like when you decenter men, a lot of people are like, how do I do this? Well, think about it like going to a different culture. What would you need to do to prepare? And so like you're a raging feminist, you know, at the moment. Yes.

And so like a lot of feminist texts, you know, like a lot of just like how you speak and how you present yourself, like an attitude is in a patriarchal culture. Women are supposed to compete with each other. Yeah. Right. When you decenter men, you don't compete with women. You just now you compete with them. You. Yes. With men. You see women for just the beauty and the expression that they bring.

And so like a lot of feminist texts, you know, like a lot of just like how you speak and how you present yourself, like an attitude is in a patriarchal culture. Women are supposed to compete with each other. Yeah. Right. When you decenter men, you don't compete with women. You just now you compete with them. You. Yes. With men. You see women for just the beauty and the expression that they bring.

You know, like you don't stand next to them and think, oh, God, like I'm, you know, bigger than her or I'm like less than her. You just see it, how she is moving and existing throughout the space. Yeah. And the power that she brings and enjoying that for what it is.

You know, like you don't stand next to them and think, oh, God, like I'm, you know, bigger than her or I'm like less than her. You just see it, how she is moving and existing throughout the space. Yeah. And the power that she brings and enjoying that for what it is.

Yeah. No, yeah. It's like the curse of knowledge. Yeah. You know, like you're almost haunted by what you know. Right. But that means, I was actually talking about this on my Instagram story because the opposite is the knowledge illusion. Mm-hmm. where you think you know more than you actually do. And so like with an illusion, most illusions are just physics and misdirection.

Yeah. No, yeah. It's like the curse of knowledge. Yeah. You know, like you're almost haunted by what you know. Right. But that means, I was actually talking about this on my Instagram story because the opposite is the knowledge illusion. Mm-hmm. where you think you know more than you actually do. And so like with an illusion, most illusions are just physics and misdirection.

So the answer to that issue is learning more. But when it comes to the curse of knowledge, a lot of very intellectual people write off emotional and spiritual investment. And so curse, you know, is kind of like, it shows like a need to invest in your emotions and intuition. Yeah. So, yeah, it's just and you said you were depressed. Yeah. So. Yeah.

So the answer to that issue is learning more. But when it comes to the curse of knowledge, a lot of very intellectual people write off emotional and spiritual investment. And so curse, you know, is kind of like, it shows like a need to invest in your emotions and intuition. Yeah. So, yeah, it's just and you said you were depressed. Yeah. So. Yeah.

So it sounds like you may need some more emotional investment.

So it sounds like you may need some more emotional investment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Is it ever anger?

Yeah. Is it ever anger?

The thing is, is like anger is action. You know, it like compels you to act and move. And so like that, if you have a lot of anger, it means you give a shit.

The thing is, is like anger is action. You know, it like compels you to act and move. And so like that, if you have a lot of anger, it means you give a shit.

You know, I would actually be more concerned if like you received bad news or you found something out and you were indifferent. I'm like that. Well, I mean, like...

You know, I would actually be more concerned if like you received bad news or you found something out and you were indifferent. I'm like that. Well, I mean, like...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I think you should celebrate it because like, yeah, so happiness is something you have to pursue. So a lot of people are like, I would like to be happy. But the thing is, is like that would be like saying I'd like to be on mushrooms. So we would be like, do you have mushrooms? You know, right. Like you have to pursue mushrooms to be on mushrooms and happiness. You have to pursue. Right.

Well, I think you should celebrate it because like, yeah, so happiness is something you have to pursue. So a lot of people are like, I would like to be happy. But the thing is, is like that would be like saying I'd like to be on mushrooms. So we would be like, do you have mushrooms? You know, right. Like you have to pursue mushrooms to be on mushrooms and happiness. You have to pursue. Right.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you do you have like ADHD or anything?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you do you have like ADHD or anything?

To experience the same chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. Yeah. Like endorphins. And so I always say if you'd like to be more happy, there are different levels of happiness. There's low, moderate and high and the lowest level of like you have to microdose happiness until you build a tolerance. Interesting.

To experience the same chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. Yeah. Like endorphins. And so I always say if you'd like to be more happy, there are different levels of happiness. There's low, moderate and high and the lowest level of like you have to microdose happiness until you build a tolerance. Interesting.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm saying that you could. Do you feel jealous of them?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm saying that you could. Do you feel jealous of them?

um yeah i feel like they're living a life that i'm never going to be able to live i mean i'm a pessimist yeah yes a nihilist i hate it all okay but you said that i feel like this is a therapy session no but i mean you're the thing is is jealousy is not bad i agree jealousy is anger and sadness okay like that's the emotional equation and then envy is sadness plus anger

um yeah i feel like they're living a life that i'm never going to be able to live i mean i'm a pessimist yeah yes a nihilist i hate it all okay but you said that i feel like this is a therapy session no but i mean you're the thing is is jealousy is not bad i agree jealousy is anger and sadness okay like that's the emotional equation and then envy is sadness plus anger

Yes. Well, actually, so depression is like, well, it's like sadness, you know. Yeah. But then also like if you're uninterested, like boredom is a very low level of disgust.

Yes. Well, actually, so depression is like, well, it's like sadness, you know. Yeah. But then also like if you're uninterested, like boredom is a very low level of disgust.

Jealous is anger plus sadness.

Jealous is anger plus sadness.

Yeah. I don't really feel either. Those are social emotions, which means they're hierarchical. So they're directed outwards towards others. Yeah. But you do feel jealous of people who are happy. But the thing is, is you need to celebrate like the moments that you do get good news. Even if it feels forced, it's going to feel forced.

Yeah. I don't really feel either. Those are social emotions, which means they're hierarchical. So they're directed outwards towards others. Yeah. But you do feel jealous of people who are happy. But the thing is, is you need to celebrate like the moments that you do get good news. Even if it feels forced, it's going to feel forced.

You have to allow like do something, you know, to make to build a tolerance to happiness. if you don't engage with happiness and you, you know, don't like that when other people are happy, it's like building a tolerance to mushrooms. Like you, if you take four grams of mushrooms, you're going to end up weird in the woods. Whoa. Yeah.

You have to allow like do something, you know, to make to build a tolerance to happiness. if you don't engage with happiness and you, you know, don't like that when other people are happy, it's like building a tolerance to mushrooms. Like you, if you take four grams of mushrooms, you're going to end up weird in the woods. Whoa. Yeah.

So like, yes, you're going to be like, and you're going to become so happy that you freak out. So you got to start small. Like the small levels of happiness is content, serene, and grateful. OK, wow.

So like, yes, you're going to be like, and you're going to become so happy that you freak out. So you got to start small. Like the small levels of happiness is content, serene, and grateful. OK, wow.

Mm hmm. Well, I mean, the thing is, is like if you keep doing the gratitude journal and obviously run all this by a therapist, like I know what you say is word. Yeah. So like you start microdosing gratitude by like practicing it every day. Yeah. You're going to start noticing that you are able to feel happier, you know, more than usual. Yeah.

Mm hmm. Well, I mean, the thing is, is like if you keep doing the gratitude journal and obviously run all this by a therapist, like I know what you say is word. Yeah. So like you start microdosing gratitude by like practicing it every day. Yeah. You're going to start noticing that you are able to feel happier, you know, more than usual. Yeah.

You know, and so like you like again, like the mushroom things, you're building a tolerance and then you're going to hit like moderate levels of happiness. Yeah. And like those that's going to be like, oh, crap, like I can be happy. Right.

You know, and so like you like again, like the mushroom things, you're building a tolerance and then you're going to hit like moderate levels of happiness. Yeah. And like those that's going to be like, oh, crap, like I can be happy. Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I take, I take Vyvanse for ADHD and then I do take Zoloft.

I take, I take Vyvanse for ADHD and then I do take Zoloft.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So like if you're like repelled by something, then of course you're not going to be interested. So you're going to need like something that offers you happiness in some way or like interesting. And like, what are you interested in normally?

Yeah. Yeah. So like if you're like repelled by something, then of course you're not going to be interested. So you're going to need like something that offers you happiness in some way or like interesting. And like, what are you interested in normally?

I am, I guess I'm more femme when I dress up. But I think when I'm not dressed up, it's just, I don't know.

I am, I guess I'm more femme when I dress up. But I think when I'm not dressed up, it's just, I don't know.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, I love it.

Yes, yeah.

Yes, yeah.

Uh-huh. I think, well, I was in a, yeah, I was, you know, I was a bit of a slut, you know?

Uh-huh. I think, well, I was in a, yeah, I was, you know, I was a bit of a slut, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you're like, I mean, you've heard of comp head.

Yeah. Because you're like, I mean, you've heard of comp head.

Yeah. You're socialized to be. This thing is, is combat sucks because also like hooking up with dudes. I mean, is not like it's like everyone's like it sucks, you know? So people who are like lesbians or like sapphics hear that and they're like, yeah, it does suck because like straight women are saying it, too. And so you're like, oh, this it's just supposed to suck.

Yeah. You're socialized to be. This thing is, is combat sucks because also like hooking up with dudes. I mean, is not like it's like everyone's like it sucks, you know? So people who are like lesbians or like sapphics hear that and they're like, yeah, it does suck because like straight women are saying it, too. And so you're like, oh, this it's just supposed to suck.

I'm kind of just around. I feel like with the TikTok ban, everyone was like, follow me on my other socials. And I was like, the thing is, is I've just been everywhere that you'll see me at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. So just follow whenever I pop up because I'm literally post everywhere.

I'm kind of just around. I feel like with the TikTok ban, everyone was like, follow me on my other socials. And I was like, the thing is, is I've just been everywhere that you'll see me at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. So just follow whenever I pop up because I'm literally post everywhere.

So that's why like a lot of like lesbians come out later in life because they're like, I just was thought I was a part of the whole it sucks crew. Totally. Yeah.

So that's why like a lot of like lesbians come out later in life because they're like, I just was thought I was a part of the whole it sucks crew. Totally. Yeah.

No, exactly. That's why. And that's I mean, I I love sociology. That's why like gay men come out a lot earlier. Oh, because they still get to fuck. Well, yes. But their sexuality is taken more seriously. Yes. You know, and they're also not taught that they should. I mean, men are taught that you should be attracted to women. But more than anything, it's their pleasure that is.

No, exactly. That's why. And that's I mean, I I love sociology. That's why like gay men come out a lot earlier. Oh, because they still get to fuck. Well, yes. But their sexuality is taken more seriously. Yes. You know, and they're also not taught that they should. I mean, men are taught that you should be attracted to women. But more than anything, it's their pleasure that is.

And this is not me saying, like, gay dudes, you have it easy. No, they do. Yeah, it's like. Because they're dudes and we're women. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, the thing is, is like.

And this is not me saying, like, gay dudes, you have it easy. No, they do. Yeah, it's like. Because they're dudes and we're women. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, the thing is, is like.

Yeah. So, I mean, the thing is. Yeah. They're just socialized. We're all socialized differently and we all deal with it differently. Totally. At different paces. Yeah.

Yeah. So, I mean, the thing is. Yeah. They're just socialized. We're all socialized differently and we all deal with it differently. Totally. At different paces. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah. The chaperone specifically. Like they talk about her like she's the weird ally. Yeah. No, she's a lesbian.

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah. The chaperone specifically. Like they talk about her like she's the weird ally. Yeah. No, she's a lesbian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

OK.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they do. And lesbian relationships are real. But like every time it's like the thing is, is it's lesbianism. And it also just goes into like feminine sexuality in general. Like if a woman is like talks about what she likes or dislikes, it's like almost like it doesn't matter. Right.

Yeah, they do. And lesbian relationships are real. But like every time it's like the thing is, is it's lesbianism. And it also just goes into like feminine sexuality in general. Like if a woman is like talks about what she likes or dislikes, it's like almost like it doesn't matter. Right.

You know, or like and the bisexual community deals with this a lot, like where if you're a bi woman, oh, you're doing it for attention. If you're a bi man, you're just gay because people cannot fathom that like attraction to women. Like if it's anywhere in the mix, it's like it's just it's not fair.

You know, or like and the bisexual community deals with this a lot, like where if you're a bi woman, oh, you're doing it for attention. If you're a bi man, you're just gay because people cannot fathom that like attraction to women. Like if it's anywhere in the mix, it's like it's just it's not fair.

Okay.

Okay.

I wouldn't say that. No.

I wouldn't say that. No.

Yeah. Well, I mean, the thing is, is if I were to explain this in math terms, bisexual and pansexual, like, they're both double-sided equations.

Yeah. Well, I mean, the thing is, is if I were to explain this in math terms, bisexual and pansexual, like, they're both double-sided equations.

I don't know what that means. Where you have to like factor in on both sides. But the thing is, is just because like an answer to two questions can be four, it doesn't mean that you use the same equation to find the answer for four.

I don't know what that means. Where you have to like factor in on both sides. But the thing is, is just because like an answer to two questions can be four, it doesn't mean that you use the same equation to find the answer for four.

So the beauty of the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality lies within the actual function itself and the individual and like how they perceive and move throughout the world. OK. Yeah. And so like it's deeply personal. Right. So which one do you think is better? I don't think either is better.

So the beauty of the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality lies within the actual function itself and the individual and like how they perceive and move throughout the world. OK. Yeah. And so like it's deeply personal. Right. So which one do you think is better? I don't think either is better.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A couple years ago, like 2021. Oh, so it's kind of new. Yeah. Well, I knew I was I thought I was bi beforehand. Okay. And so like, I think I thought I was I started thinking I was bi in 2017. But I hooked up with a woman like as early as 2012. Oh, wow. But I didn't think of anything of it because I was raised super Christian.

A couple years ago, like 2021. Oh, so it's kind of new. Yeah. Well, I knew I was I thought I was bi beforehand. Okay. And so like, I think I thought I was I started thinking I was bi in 2017. But I hooked up with a woman like as early as 2012. Oh, wow. But I didn't think of anything of it because I was raised super Christian.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, I mean, it's just like, you know, I thought that only boys could be gay.

I was like, I mean, it's just like, you know, I thought that only boys could be gay.

yeah totally so i was like if i i made out with this girl named sam and i was like shout out to sam we love sam but i was kind of like i don't know what that was and then i just kept like kept it moving because i i this is gonna sound so ignorant i mean like it's fine now i'm gay i was like i don't even know how girls do it you know i'm still like that yeah you know it's hard what are we doing literally

yeah totally so i was like if i i made out with this girl named sam and i was like shout out to sam we love sam but i was kind of like i don't know what that was and then i just kept like kept it moving because i i this is gonna sound so ignorant i mean like it's fine now i'm gay i was like i don't even know how girls do it you know i'm still like that yeah you know it's hard what are we doing literally

No. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, I mean, that makes sense. Like you like getting high. You like arranging stuff. Yeah. Like and you feel like you're do you ever feel like overwhelmed? All the time. Yeah. Yes. Okay. So like you're a nurse and the nervous system has a hierarchical order, you know? So like executive dysfunction is like your executive suite, like going awry.

No. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, I mean, that makes sense. Like you like getting high. You like arranging stuff. Yeah. Like and you feel like you're do you ever feel like overwhelmed? All the time. Yeah. Yes. Okay. So like you're a nurse and the nervous system has a hierarchical order, you know? So like executive dysfunction is like your executive suite, like going awry.

yeah but now I'm like without the penetration is this all just foreplay yeah I think it's just like sex could be literally anything I guess however you define it if it's like like in heterosexual culture it's like when the penis goes in the vagina but really sex is a lot more other stuff right yeah like what Like, I mean, head or, like, fingering. Anal. You know? Okay, yeah, anal. Yeah.

yeah but now I'm like without the penetration is this all just foreplay yeah I think it's just like sex could be literally anything I guess however you define it if it's like like in heterosexual culture it's like when the penis goes in the vagina but really sex is a lot more other stuff right yeah like what Like, I mean, head or, like, fingering. Anal. You know? Okay, yeah, anal. Yeah.

Yeah. Anal.

Yeah. Anal.

Well, it's almost a lot of suffix are English majors.

Well, it's almost a lot of suffix are English majors.

What? Political lesbianism.

What? Political lesbianism.

Well, if you were to it's dicey.

Well, if you were to it's dicey.

Yeah. And I mean, like, I love the very intellectual suffix. I mean, but you also have to understand that a lot of like dumb lesbians, too. Oh yeah, we're everywhere, you know? And shout out. We exist.

Yeah. And I mean, like, I love the very intellectual suffix. I mean, but you also have to understand that a lot of like dumb lesbians, too. Oh yeah, we're everywhere, you know? And shout out. We exist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, the thing is, is like lesbianism as itself is already so isolating. Yeah. And like there is a heavy element of yearning and wanting. Yes. And so like when you feel like you're removed from a group, you will get more deep and introspective. I mean, do you feel like you get like really deep and introspective when you're alone? Yes.

Yeah. I mean, the thing is, is like lesbianism as itself is already so isolating. Yeah. And like there is a heavy element of yearning and wanting. Yes. And so like when you feel like you're removed from a group, you will get more deep and introspective. I mean, do you feel like you get like really deep and introspective when you're alone? Yes.

And so beneath that is your motor cortex. And so like, if you feel relaxed and, You know, it's because you're literally going from executive to senior management. And when you're moving around, arranging everything, you're taking the pressure off of like your top level. Oh, interesting. And now you're moving around, which endorphins and dopamine and all this stuff. And it makes you feel happy.

And so beneath that is your motor cortex. And so like, if you feel relaxed and, You know, it's because you're literally going from executive to senior management. And when you're moving around, arranging everything, you're taking the pressure off of like your top level. Oh, interesting. And now you're moving around, which endorphins and dopamine and all this stuff. And it makes you feel happy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

like crazy yeah and so like also you can kind of this is embarrassing for a lot of lesbians at the bar but you can tell when a lesbian is yearning because happiness moves you closer to someone and sadness pushes you away so if you ever see someone kind of rocking back and forth at the bar whoa they are actually visibly yearning oh my god yeah and so like i do that all the time look for yearning yeah you're just like

like crazy yeah and so like also you can kind of this is embarrassing for a lot of lesbians at the bar but you can tell when a lesbian is yearning because happiness moves you closer to someone and sadness pushes you away so if you ever see someone kind of rocking back and forth at the bar whoa they are actually visibly yearning oh my god yeah and so like i do that all the time look for yearning yeah you're just like

it's kind of what's like a bid for connection at that point because the inverse of sadness is i mean the inverse of yearning is acceptance okay so like sadness plus happiness so if you are yearning to be accepted yeah you know and so it's like a bid for if you want to like know who to talk to at the lesbian bar the person rocking back and forth when there's no music wants someone to talk to right now oh my god what if you don't want to talk to him you just let him rock

it's kind of what's like a bid for connection at that point because the inverse of sadness is i mean the inverse of yearning is acceptance okay so like sadness plus happiness so if you are yearning to be accepted yeah you know and so it's like a bid for if you want to like know who to talk to at the lesbian bar the person rocking back and forth when there's no music wants someone to talk to right now oh my god what if you don't want to talk to him you just let him rock

Yeah. Just the music will come back on in a second. Yeah.

Yeah. Just the music will come back on in a second. Yeah.

No, seriously. But yeah, it's the thing is, is why I feel like a lot of sapphics are more, you know, smarty pants is because like when you are alone a lot, lesbians are removed from society. You will get more deeper intellectual and you want to connect with others. Yeah. And so like, yeah, they just you're going to get a little bit more pretentious.

No, seriously. But yeah, it's the thing is, is why I feel like a lot of sapphics are more, you know, smarty pants is because like when you are alone a lot, lesbians are removed from society. You will get more deeper intellectual and you want to connect with others. Yeah. And so like, yeah, they just you're going to get a little bit more pretentious.

But we love you guys.

But we love you guys.

No, yeah, you can be two things at once. Yes. Yeah.

No, yeah, you can be two things at once. Yes. Yeah.

I mean, sapphics can include people who are non-binary.

I mean, sapphics can include people who are non-binary.

Yeah, they're non-men.

Yeah, they're non-men.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. What type of feminist books? Okay, we're going to get to intersectional feminism. So like I would say Hood Feminism is a really good book. Okay. Also, it's Black History Month. And so I think it's by Mickey Kendall. Really good. Layla Lalami, Conditional Citizens. Okay. Well, I mean, that's about, it's just intersectional feminism.

Okay. What type of feminist books? Okay, we're going to get to intersectional feminism. So like I would say Hood Feminism is a really good book. Okay. Also, it's Black History Month. And so I think it's by Mickey Kendall. Really good. Layla Lalami, Conditional Citizens. Okay. Well, I mean, that's about, it's just intersectional feminism.

It's more like just feminism from the point of view of someone, a person of color, a woman of color to get their understanding and a feel of things. When it comes to like feminism, like traditional stuff. Isn't it hard kind of?

It's more like just feminism from the point of view of someone, a person of color, a woman of color to get their understanding and a feel of things. When it comes to like feminism, like traditional stuff. Isn't it hard kind of?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's like. I do want to say, though, it is ironic that you're like some lesbians are pretentious. Yeah. You're like, I love Sylvia Plath. I don't think I just like the bell jar.

Yeah. It's like. I do want to say, though, it is ironic that you're like some lesbians are pretentious. Yeah. You're like, I love Sylvia Plath. I don't think I just like the bell jar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I get like, you're sad and gay. Tell me more about it. Oh, no, I love that. Wait, well, so you okay. Yeah, you were a nurse. I was trying to think if you have like any what is your creative background?

Yeah, I get like, you're sad and gay. Tell me more about it. Oh, no, I love that. Wait, well, so you okay. Yeah, you were a nurse. I was trying to think if you have like any what is your creative background?

No, no, because that's just you're like, no, no, no. I mean, everyone is you're all parts of your nervous system at once. So like you'll always be in the executive suite, I guess. OK, but it's it's a matter of like knowing when if you're overwhelmed and you feel like you have executive dysfunction, there's so much going on where you physically can't.

No, no, because that's just you're like, no, no, no. I mean, everyone is you're all parts of your nervous system at once. So like you'll always be in the executive suite, I guess. OK, but it's it's a matter of like knowing when if you're overwhelmed and you feel like you have executive dysfunction, there's so much going on where you physically can't.

Okay. Wait, your parents were the military.

Okay. Wait, your parents were the military.

Both of my parents were the Navy and my dad got kicked out.

Both of my parents were the Navy and my dad got kicked out.

Oh, yeah, he did.

Oh, yeah, he did.

But the thing is, is no. So my parents are like super militant. So like you said, you like being told what to do, like where your parents like very militant. Yeah.

But the thing is, is no. So my parents are like super militant. So like you said, you like being told what to do, like where your parents like very militant. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, do you feel like you can't get away from work?

You know, do you feel like you can't get away from work?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. God rest his soul.

Yeah. God rest his soul.

Oh my gosh. No, Capricorns are very like driven. So what's your big three?

Oh my gosh. No, Capricorns are very like driven. So what's your big three?

Thank you. But I was going to say you're an earth sign and then Aries and then Leo. So yeah. Damn. How do you relax? I relax.

Thank you. But I was going to say you're an earth sign and then Aries and then Leo. So yeah. Damn. How do you relax? I relax.

Well, I mean, Capricorns are very, very hard workers. Yeah. Very dedicated to the grind. And Aries are very fiery. I mean, I am an air sign, so I love fire signs. But I just, you got a lot going on. So I mean, like, how do you, so you said that you stretch, but what do you do to express yourself?

Well, I mean, Capricorns are very, very hard workers. Yeah. Very dedicated to the grind. And Aries are very fiery. I mean, I am an air sign, so I love fire signs. But I just, you got a lot going on. So I mean, like, how do you, so you said that you stretch, but what do you do to express yourself?

Yeah.

Yeah.

do anything, you need to kind of go down to senior management, which is mostly your motor cortex, and start just putzing around, moving, arranging stuff. And that way, everyone in the executive suite is chilling out. And then so when you go back up, everyone's more calm and you can finally start to address the things that you need to do.

do anything, you need to kind of go down to senior management, which is mostly your motor cortex, and start just putzing around, moving, arranging stuff. And that way, everyone in the executive suite is chilling out. And then so when you go back up, everyone's more calm and you can finally start to address the things that you need to do.

Yeah. And you said that you like to like organize and like do you decorate as well? Yeah, I like to. Yeah.

Yeah. And you said that you like to like organize and like do you decorate as well? Yeah, I like to. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, yeah, that is like an amazing type of expression. I mean, like you should try to like pursue some art or hobby, you know, just kind of to release some energy. Yeah. What do you do? Well, I love reading. I love Legos. I'm taking classes. I signed up for this perfume making class. Oh my God. That's fun. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited just for the first, but I love, I took a neon bending class.

No, yeah, that is like an amazing type of expression. I mean, like you should try to like pursue some art or hobby, you know, just kind of to release some energy. Yeah. What do you do? Well, I love reading. I love Legos. I'm taking classes. I signed up for this perfume making class. Oh my God. That's fun. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited just for the first, but I love, I took a neon bending class.

Oh, it's a neon bending. I made like a neon sign. Oh my God. Okay.

Oh, it's a neon bending. I made like a neon sign. Oh my God. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I try to like combine like fun learning. I know that sounds like such a no. The classes that you can take, like the Museum of Neon Art. And actually that's around the corner. Oh, wow. You could take like a neon bending class. And it's the fact that it has structure is great for people who are like more logical. But the fact that you're creating something is like the fun part.

I try to like combine like fun learning. I know that sounds like such a no. The classes that you can take, like the Museum of Neon Art. And actually that's around the corner. Oh, wow. You could take like a neon bending class. And it's the fact that it has structure is great for people who are like more logical. But the fact that you're creating something is like the fun part.

It's where like left and right brain are coming together. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you're very much a Capricorn, which I imagine you like structure.

It's where like left and right brain are coming together. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you're very much a Capricorn, which I imagine you like structure.

Yeah. You need some structured fun.

Yeah. You need some structured fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes. It was my shirt got sucked into the wheel. Oh, scary. Yeah. And then I like kind of smushed my guy down and it was just humiliating. But it was fine.

Yes. It was my shirt got sucked into the wheel. Oh, scary. Yeah. And then I like kind of smushed my guy down and it was just humiliating. But it was fine.

Yeah, I just destroyed it. Do you want us to fire this?

Yeah, I just destroyed it. Do you want us to fire this?

Well, the thing is, is art is supposed to suck at first, you know, like it's all about the process. So like, I mean, the thing is, is like no one's good at anything like the first time. Every single class I've taken, like I took a woodshop class. And I mean, like so lesbian of you. It was all lesbians. If you want to find a lesbian out in the wild, I was like, you guys are all so gay.

Well, the thing is, is art is supposed to suck at first, you know, like it's all about the process. So like, I mean, the thing is, is like no one's good at anything like the first time. Every single class I've taken, like I took a woodshop class. And I mean, like so lesbian of you. It was all lesbians. If you want to find a lesbian out in the wild, I was like, you guys are all so gay.

yes yeah and yes very thick glasses do you do your podcast yourself no i do it at studio 71 which is um i just launched a new they have the best podcast i feel they do i love them i just launched another one with them called shower thoughts and so that's coming out on february 12th is it like things that we're talking about here yeah do you get political yes

yes yeah and yes very thick glasses do you do your podcast yourself no i do it at studio 71 which is um i just launched a new they have the best podcast i feel they do i love them i just launched another one with them called shower thoughts and so that's coming out on february 12th is it like things that we're talking about here yeah do you get political yes

I love talking about politics, but like you said, in a palatable way. Yeah. Yeah. I try, if I like get too technical, I love including definitions and like sources.

I love talking about politics, but like you said, in a palatable way. Yeah. Yeah. I try, if I like get too technical, I love including definitions and like sources.

Because like a large part of my audience does have like autism or ADHD. So you got to really break it down. And also I do as well. So like you have to, we need detail. You know, are you a fast reader? It depends on what's being read. Like if it's I do read more technical stuff and I do like to annotate. So it's not as fast as I'd like. Yeah. But I do want to understand it.

Because like a large part of my audience does have like autism or ADHD. So you got to really break it down. And also I do as well. So like you have to, we need detail. You know, are you a fast reader? It depends on what's being read. Like if it's I do read more technical stuff and I do like to annotate. So it's not as fast as I'd like. Yeah. But I do want to understand it.

If it's like if it's like a memoir, I probably read it very fast. So fast. Yeah.

If it's like if it's like a memoir, I probably read it very fast. So fast. Yeah.

Yeah. Memoirs are like if people if people are trying to get in a nonfiction like memoirs are like the perfect gateway because it's like truth is stranger than fiction. So like it's like the you know, it's not the craziest nonfiction, but it's like the most interesting. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Memoirs are like if people if people are trying to get in a nonfiction like memoirs are like the perfect gateway because it's like truth is stranger than fiction. So like it's like the you know, it's not the craziest nonfiction, but it's like the most interesting. Yes. Yeah.

I just love reading.

I just love reading.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They are. And they went over Julia Fox's book. And I really, really want to read it.

They are. And they went over Julia Fox's book. And I really, really want to read it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's never too late. It's never too late. I mean, the thing is, is like I said, like if you start taking classes and you like, I mean, you like to watch people, you're probably going to find some interesting stories because there are people who take a lot of classes to save their marriage. Oh. And so, like, especially if you take a couples class, you'll watch couples break down in real time. Wow.

It's never too late. It's never too late. I mean, the thing is, is like I said, like if you start taking classes and you like, I mean, you like to watch people, you're probably going to find some interesting stories because there are people who take a lot of classes to save their marriage. Oh. And so, like, especially if you take a couples class, you'll watch couples break down in real time. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, you do. I am because when I got sober two years ago, I was like, well, if I can get sober, I can do stand up.

Yeah. Oh, you do. I am because when I got sober two years ago, I was like, well, if I can get sober, I can do stand up.

Yeah. So, I mean, like, you could have stories. And will it be piss stories? Like, that would be a horrible macaron making class. Yeah. Okay. But, like, I mean, there's piss involved. Yeah.

Yeah. So, I mean, like, you could have stories. And will it be piss stories? Like, that would be a horrible macaron making class. Yeah. Okay. But, like, I mean, there's piss involved. Yeah.

OK.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

No.

No, yeah.

No, yeah.

I mean, it's dye.

I mean, it's dye.

I know. But I mean, yeah, I do want to take a kink class. Oh, really? Yeah. Because they know a lot.

I know. But I mean, yeah, I do want to take a kink class. Oh, really? Yeah. Because they know a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, the diaper is what is it just like a visual thing or was it like a fillet? Yeah.

Well, I mean, the diaper is what is it just like a visual thing or was it like a fillet? Yeah.

That was the best joke. You said depends. Sorry, sorry. Keep going. Yeah. Wait, what were you saying?

That was the best joke. You said depends. Sorry, sorry. Keep going. Yeah. Wait, what were you saying?

Yeah, I do have some. Well, my ex-partner I used to live with got lipo because they had like some gender surgery. So they had to wear diapers for a bit. I didn't feel anything actually when they wore them.

Yeah, I do have some. Well, my ex-partner I used to live with got lipo because they had like some gender surgery. So they had to wear diapers for a bit. I didn't feel anything actually when they wore them.

Yeah. And also it would like the holes would leak. Oh, wow. So it would like capture the fluid. But I guess, yeah, there is something strange about, you know what? Yeah.

Yeah. And also it would like the holes would leak. Oh, wow. So it would like capture the fluid. But I guess, yeah, there is something strange about, you know what? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're literally a lesbian. You couldn't do that.

You're literally a lesbian. You couldn't do that.

Yeah. I mean, I would love to do that. But the thing is, is I take Ativan before I go on. And so Ativan and alcohol don't mix. Yes. You know, blackout. Yes. Yeah. It's so like not funny on stage. She was literally on the floor. Yes.

Yeah. I mean, I would love to do that. But the thing is, is I take Ativan before I go on. And so Ativan and alcohol don't mix. Yes. You know, blackout. Yes. Yeah. It's so like not funny on stage. She was literally on the floor. Yes.

Yeah, then, I mean, just wear it around the house.

Yeah, then, I mean, just wear it around the house.

Yeah, you could, like, you said you tried stretching. Like, that would be such a fun thing. Wear a strap on as you're stretching. Get in the middle so it's with a dick hanging out. Yeah, and then so when you write your memoir, you're like, this is what I do on Saturdays, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you could, like, you said you tried stretching. Like, that would be such a fun thing. Wear a strap on as you're stretching. Get in the middle so it's with a dick hanging out. Yeah, and then so when you write your memoir, you're like, this is what I do on Saturdays, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's because with my... Okay, topping for me is very hard. I have carpal tunnel. So I... Yeah. Anatomically, it gets in the way. I'm medically a bottom. And then also, with my last partner, they sat on my face so hard, I broke my nose. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, and so... Oh, my God. See, I want that to happen.

Well, it's because with my... Okay, topping for me is very hard. I have carpal tunnel. So I... Yeah. Anatomically, it gets in the way. I'm medically a bottom. And then also, with my last partner, they sat on my face so hard, I broke my nose. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, and so... Oh, my God. See, I want that to happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And so that happens. And so it's a wee bit sensitive.

Yeah. And so that happens. And so it's a wee bit sensitive.

and then I had to go to the urgent care you know oh my god yeah okay broken nose torn butthole but like yeah so when I top it I have to wear a strap on or else I'm gonna get like crampy and crunchy how did the crampy hand have to do with the top carpal tunnel like cause I can't like Finger? That much. Yeah. Or else my hands start to kind of claw. Oh. And it gets really unappealing. Yeah.

and then I had to go to the urgent care you know oh my god yeah okay broken nose torn butthole but like yeah so when I top it I have to wear a strap on or else I'm gonna get like crampy and crunchy how did the crampy hand have to do with the top carpal tunnel like cause I can't like Finger? That much. Yeah. Or else my hands start to kind of claw. Oh. And it gets really unappealing. Yeah.

Right. And I just well, I mean, you know, I always feel like I should be giving back, you know, because I do. It does take me a while on antidepressants. I end up feeling guilty. You know, I'm like, oh, it's been 50 minutes of you being down there. I feel like. And I want to, but I also just feel like, you know. Right. I'm like, I'm not good, but I try.

Right. And I just well, I mean, you know, I always feel like I should be giving back, you know, because I do. It does take me a while on antidepressants. I end up feeling guilty. You know, I'm like, oh, it's been 50 minutes of you being down there. I feel like. And I want to, but I also just feel like, you know. Right. I'm like, I'm not good, but I try.

Well, I mean, I'll get, you know. Right. Yeah. It's a lot of communication. It is. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I'll get, you know. Right. Yeah. It's a lot of communication. It is. Yeah.

Oh no, yeah. I'm a very literal person. I remember first time I was hooking up with a girl, she said, come for me. And I said, all right. And then like a couple more minutes go by and she's like, come for me. And I was like, I will. And then a couple more minutes go by and she's like, come for me. And I literally pushed her away and I was like, I gave you my word.

Oh no, yeah. I'm a very literal person. I remember first time I was hooking up with a girl, she said, come for me. And I said, all right. And then like a couple more minutes go by and she's like, come for me. And I was like, I will. And then a couple more minutes go by and she's like, come for me. And I literally pushed her away and I was like, I gave you my word.

And so then when I got sober, I was like, I'll do stand-up. And then last year I did stand-up and I even went to the New York Comedy Festival. And so then two years ago. And then last year I was like, if I can do stand-up and get sober, I can start reading. And so I just started... Yes. X equals Y. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

And so then when I got sober, I was like, I'll do stand-up. And then last year I did stand-up and I even went to the New York Comedy Festival. And so then two years ago. And then last year I was like, if I can do stand-up and get sober, I can start reading. And so I just started... Yes. X equals Y. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

I am literally trying so hard to come right now.

I am literally trying so hard to come right now.

And I didn't realize it's just, oh, you're trying to talk to me. Or she was trying to pressure you. She's like, hurry up. Come on, let's go. And I was like, stop. Please. No, but I did. But it was just like, I came for her. I did. It took me a second. But like, yeah, I'm whenever there's talking. I also do want to get a little bit funny. Yeah. Yeah.

And I didn't realize it's just, oh, you're trying to talk to me. Or she was trying to pressure you. She's like, hurry up. Come on, let's go. And I was like, stop. Please. No, but I did. But it was just like, I came for her. I did. It took me a second. But like, yeah, I'm whenever there's talking. I also do want to get a little bit funny. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I feel like the other person might get out of it very quickly.

And so I feel like the other person might get out of it very quickly.

They're comedians, so why not?

They're comedians, so why not?

Daddy. Who is that? Yeah. It's me. Have you tried role play? Because that would be a fun way to get like, I love that if you're like super funny in the bedroom, because then you can get like kind of porny.

Daddy. Who is that? Yeah. It's me. Have you tried role play? Because that would be a fun way to get like, I love that if you're like super funny in the bedroom, because then you can get like kind of porny.

Well, then, I mean, where, like, when, okay, I don't want to, do you, like, get, like, a church dress on? Oh, okay. Do you have a Bible?

Well, then, I mean, where, like, when, okay, I don't want to, do you, like, get, like, a church dress on? Oh, okay. Do you have a Bible?

Yeah, and then just, like, read it in the living room. Wow. And then, like, Robbie is, like, and, you know, trying to distract you, and you're like, please, like, it's Sunday.

Yeah, and then just, like, read it in the living room. Wow. And then, like, Robbie is, like, and, you know, trying to distract you, and you're like, please, like, it's Sunday.

Yeah, and then, like, you have, like, props, and. Yeah.

Yeah, and then, like, you have, like, props, and. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't look. Look. Don't look. But the thing is, is with that, you get to be funny and also sexy. So, like, they're getting into it, but you're getting, like, It all out, you know?

Don't look. Look. Don't look. But the thing is, is with that, you get to be funny and also sexy. So, like, they're getting into it, but you're getting, like, It all out, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I like I just got in a reading and I started going according to heritage months. And then like, oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. So right now is Black History Month. Next month is Women's History Month. And so I'm just reading according to that. And I like just is mostly nonfiction.

And so I like I just got in a reading and I started going according to heritage months. And then like, oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. So right now is Black History Month. Next month is Women's History Month. And so I'm just reading according to that. And I like just is mostly nonfiction.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of... Well, actually, I don't... I'm trying to think of my favorite role play, but I don't have one at the moment.

I'm trying to think of... Well, actually, I don't... I'm trying to think of my favorite role play, but I don't have one at the moment.

Oh, crap. Well, the thing is, I have so many costumes because I also do sketches.

Oh, crap. Well, the thing is, I have so many costumes because I also do sketches.

I think my favorite one is I have a headset and I'm like... Call center. Yeah. And, like, no one's available to come help, so I'm like... I guess I took the call. Try to give head with a headset on. Yes.

I think my favorite one is I have a headset and I'm like... Call center. Yeah. And, like, no one's available to come help, so I'm like... I guess I took the call. Try to give head with a headset on. Yes.

A literal icon. Thanks. Where can we find you? You can find me on TikTok or Instagram or YouTube. Sarah Schauer. S-C-H-A-U-E-R. I know. I love the pronunciation. Thank you. Yeah. Is it real? Yes. It's my father's. He gave it to me. Oh, yeah. But everyone's like, when I was blonde, they were like, golden shower. And I was like, you're so funny. Oh, pee on me. Yeah. I wish that was me. Right now.

A literal icon. Thanks. Where can we find you? You can find me on TikTok or Instagram or YouTube. Sarah Schauer. S-C-H-A-U-E-R. I know. I love the pronunciation. Thank you. Yeah. Is it real? Yes. It's my father's. He gave it to me. Oh, yeah. But everyone's like, when I was blonde, they were like, golden shower. And I was like, you're so funny. Oh, pee on me. Yeah. I wish that was me. Right now.

Literally. Seriously. Where's that funnel?

Literally. Seriously. Where's that funnel?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah.

But yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I love how I didn't even know the podcast started when you first started talking. We were doing an audio check and I was like, okay, well, yeah, I'm Sarah Shaw. I'm excited to be here. And that's actually the beginning of the podcast.

I love how I didn't even know the podcast started when you first started talking. We were doing an audio check and I was like, okay, well, yeah, I'm Sarah Shaw. I'm excited to be here. And that's actually the beginning of the podcast.

Yeah, literally. Surprised. We're doing this.

Yeah, literally. Surprised. We're doing this.

Yeah, yeah. But thank you guys. Well, thank you guys. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. But thank you guys. Well, thank you guys. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

Yeah, because I want to the thing is, is like I've never felt like smart, you know, like growing up, I didn't really get good grades. And then I was in a military family, just kind of felt disconnected. Being a lesbian just felt disconnected. Oh, my God.

Yeah, because I want to the thing is, is like I've never felt like smart, you know, like growing up, I didn't really get good grades. And then I was in a military family, just kind of felt disconnected. Being a lesbian just felt disconnected. Oh, my God.

Yeah. My parents are also super Christian. So it's just like I I didn't I didn't want to do anything or learn. I just kind of wanted to survive. And then I was drinking heavily from college until like two years ago. So I was just like numb and then numb. So I was like, I don't want to escape anymore. What have I been missing? I'd like to read about the world and know what's going on. Wow.

Yeah. My parents are also super Christian. So it's just like I I didn't I didn't want to do anything or learn. I just kind of wanted to survive. And then I was drinking heavily from college until like two years ago. So I was just like numb and then numb. So I was like, I don't want to escape anymore. What have I been missing? I'd like to read about the world and know what's going on. Wow.

Are you doing like a lot of stand up? Not at the moment, but I want to get back into it. I've just been like reading and I just launched my podcast. Well, I'm about to launch it next week. Oh, my God. Yeah. What's it called? Shower Thoughts.

Are you doing like a lot of stand up? Not at the moment, but I want to get back into it. I've just been like reading and I just launched my podcast. Well, I'm about to launch it next week. Oh, my God. Yeah. What's it called? Shower Thoughts.

Yeah. I want to because it's like how you were talking about how you enjoy how I talk. I wanted to make a podcast for people with like who are left and right brain. So if you're more intuitive or more logical, like I'm going to fuse them and we're all going to. Oh, my God. On the same page.

Yeah. I want to because it's like how you were talking about how you enjoy how I talk. I wanted to make a podcast for people with like who are left and right brain. So if you're more intuitive or more logical, like I'm going to fuse them and we're all going to. Oh, my God. On the same page.

What made you want to get sober? I was just sick of it. I was like, this is not fun. You know, like you start drinking and you're like, this is like the first drink is always the funnest.

What made you want to get sober? I was just sick of it. I was like, this is not fun. You know, like you start drinking and you're like, this is like the first drink is always the funnest.

Yeah. And then I would like have like a handle like a day. Yeah.

Yeah. And then I would like have like a handle like a day. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah and you were just like functioning yeah and then I was like I this is all just too much and my I was getting older and I was like I can't do the stuff I want to and so I was like just I'm gonna try getting sober I'm gonna do dry January and then you know when you start something and you're like oh I'm gonna just see if I can keep it going also I'm scared that the bottom of my socks are dirty and like the camera's just like zooming in on yes that's all people are gonna look at don't look at the socks

yeah and you were just like functioning yeah and then I was like I this is all just too much and my I was getting older and I was like I can't do the stuff I want to and so I was like just I'm gonna try getting sober I'm gonna do dry January and then you know when you start something and you're like oh I'm gonna just see if I can keep it going also I'm scared that the bottom of my socks are dirty and like the camera's just like zooming in on yes that's all people are gonna look at don't look at the socks

Also, I can like steam clean this chair when we're done. I send you a bill. But I would pay it. Oh my God, no. But yeah, so I was just like, this is not doing anything for me anymore. And so then I tried getting sober and then it just stuck. Wow.

Also, I can like steam clean this chair when we're done. I send you a bill. But I would pay it. Oh my God, no. But yeah, so I was just like, this is not doing anything for me anymore. And so then I tried getting sober and then it just stuck. Wow.

Yeah, I've been to I know it's supposed to be anonymous, but I've been to AA meetings and I have like all the chips whenever I talk.

Yeah, I've been to I know it's supposed to be anonymous, but I've been to AA meetings and I have like all the chips whenever I talk.

Yeah. Like the left brains are out. No, I mean, it's like I guess intuition is the wrong word because intuition would be in your body. But it's yeah, it's like right and then left. It's like creative or like logical. But really, you need both because a lot of people who are like, I'm more logical. Well, logic is like the formula and your emotions are like the inputs and outputs.

Yeah. Like the left brains are out. No, I mean, it's like I guess intuition is the wrong word because intuition would be in your body. But it's yeah, it's like right and then left. It's like creative or like logical. But really, you need both because a lot of people who are like, I'm more logical. Well, logic is like the formula and your emotions are like the inputs and outputs.

I had I actually got to apologize to someone the other day. Oh, wow. So you're still... Yeah, well, because you don't see them as much. But there was this girl I had ghosted twice over like nine months apart. Like started talking to her and then I ghosted her to talk to someone else. And then I met her again. Criminal. Yes. And so then last week I was out at a bar like this, like lesbian event.

I had I actually got to apologize to someone the other day. Oh, wow. So you're still... Yeah, well, because you don't see them as much. But there was this girl I had ghosted twice over like nine months apart. Like started talking to her and then I ghosted her to talk to someone else. And then I met her again. Criminal. Yes. And so then last week I was out at a bar like this, like lesbian event.

And I saw her for the first time and she was very friendly. And I was like, very forgiving. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I am so sorry. And I got to deliver like a full apology. Wow. With eye contact. And just like she was like, well, thank you for that. And I was I was like, this is actually feel so good. Right.

And I saw her for the first time and she was very friendly. And I was like, very forgiving. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I am so sorry. And I got to deliver like a full apology. Wow. With eye contact. And just like she was like, well, thank you for that. And I was I was like, this is actually feel so good. Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't.

I don't.

Well, I mean, that's like admirable in and of itself. And it's like it's crazy. When I was talking to her, when I saw her, I was like, oh, she's just going to avoid me. She's not going to look at me. And it was almost like she was relieved. Yeah. And so I didn't realize like and I mean, like I have apologized to people throughout my life, but it felt nice to just like give someone that.

Well, I mean, that's like admirable in and of itself. And it's like it's crazy. When I was talking to her, when I saw her, I was like, oh, she's just going to avoid me. She's not going to look at me. And it was almost like she was relieved. Yeah. And so I didn't realize like and I mean, like I have apologized to people throughout my life, but it felt nice to just like give someone that.

Yeah, totally. And they I mean, no one has to accept your apology, but it was nice that she did.

Yeah, totally. And they I mean, no one has to accept your apology, but it was nice that she did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because the thing is, is they don't have to accept it and they don't have to react well. You just need to give it. You know, because I mean, if you're you're not an alcoholic, but like alcoholism, if you've, you know, done something that or said something to someone in the past, like they do deserve an apology and they are allowed to react however they want. Totally. They have free will.

Yeah. Because the thing is, is they don't have to accept it and they don't have to react well. You just need to give it. You know, because I mean, if you're you're not an alcoholic, but like alcoholism, if you've, you know, done something that or said something to someone in the past, like they do deserve an apology and they are allowed to react however they want. Totally. They have free will.

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately.

No, it is. But I mean, it's just it's I mean, it's just nice to say that. Also, your dog is just chilling.

Yeah, that's The thing is, is like, I mean, there's different like recovery programs and like you shouldn't be a figurehead for AA. Like even now, like I don't represent it. But I mean, like there's like smart recovery and stuff like that. If you are not religiously inclined. I mean, I don't have a I don't really believe in God.

So you can't really solve an equation if you don't have. Am I adding to am I adding to is it? You know, you would just have X plus X equals something. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. It came to me. If you're like, I'm purely logical. It's like, so you're not doing anything. Right. You know, you're not existing or moving throughout the world. Like emotions are what moves you or compels you to do something.

So, yeah, I mean, I and so I'm just yeah, like there's different recovery programs. And I know that AA has its issues and I'm not a representative at all. You're like just you. So you hate it. Yeah, yeah. I really hate it.

But there's it's just yeah, it's been really, really nice because like getting sober, it's like kind of like coming out where like it can be isolating, you know, where if you were like I used to date dudes and stuff. I don't know. Yeah, I was. Yes. Yeah. I want to get into that. Yeah. Like it's like you come out and you're like, oh, my friends are going to still like me. And so some of them do.

But then. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, we have vastly different lifestyles. Totally. And so like with like being a lesbian and then like getting sober, it's just like you, you know, change your lifestyle. And then now people are like weirdish about it. So you got to find like new friends each time.

Yes.

Yeah.

None. No.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, um, no, yeah, it's like, I do also talk about, like, de-centering men a lot.

I, the misandry and de-centering always get confused, but I, I love- De-centering. So, like, in America, it's an individualistic culture. You're taught to center men. Like, this is the patriarchy. Like, you're meant to serve them. Everything that you do is for them. You look good. You show up. You give them all your energy. You don't ask for anything in return.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. No. And so like you're taught like so it's like socialized. It's like a social prescription. It's like a pill that you're supposed to take every day. And so it's like men are the best. You'll never be good enough. You got to like all this stuff. You're fed that. And then so decentering men is like slowly undoing how you're socialized to recenter yourself.

You know, like and so the thing is, is when you say decentering men, a lot of people think that means like abstaining from men.

No, you can love men and you can date men. But like as long as you when you decenter them, it's like they're no longer the priority. You don't do stuff for them. And yes, you still exist in a patriarchy because. Yeah. If it was that easy to escape the system, the system itself would not exist.

So, yeah, it's like an everyday practice of just like making sure you choose yourself first and what you want. And, you know, it's kind of like socialization like involves cultures and cultures are like customs, attitudes, beliefs, you know, language, important texts, important figures.

Yes. Yeah.

I know. But it's all happening.

Yeah. And so like when you decenter men, a lot of people are like, how do I do this? Well, think about it like going to a different culture. What would you need to do to prepare? And so like you're a raging feminist, you know, at the moment. Yes.

And so like a lot of feminist texts, you know, like a lot of just like how you speak and how you present yourself, like an attitude is in a patriarchal culture. Women are supposed to compete with each other. Yeah. Right. When you decenter men, you don't compete with women. You just now you compete with them. You. Yes. With men. You see women for just the beauty and the expression that they bring.

You know, like you don't stand next to them and think, oh, God, like I'm, you know, bigger than her or I'm like less than her. You just see it, how she is moving and existing throughout the space. Yeah. And the power that she brings and enjoying that for what it is.

Yeah. No, yeah. It's like the curse of knowledge. Yeah. You know, like you're almost haunted by what you know. Right. But that means, I was actually talking about this on my Instagram story because the opposite is the knowledge illusion. Mm-hmm. where you think you know more than you actually do. And so like with an illusion, most illusions are just physics and misdirection.

So the answer to that issue is learning more. But when it comes to the curse of knowledge, a lot of very intellectual people write off emotional and spiritual investment. And so curse, you know, is kind of like, it shows like a need to invest in your emotions and intuition. Yeah. So, yeah, it's just and you said you were depressed. Yeah. So. Yeah.

So it sounds like you may need some more emotional investment.

Yeah.

Yeah. Is it ever anger?

The thing is, is like anger is action. You know, it like compels you to act and move. And so like that, if you have a lot of anger, it means you give a shit.

You know, I would actually be more concerned if like you received bad news or you found something out and you were indifferent. I'm like that. Well, I mean, like...

Yeah.

Well, I think you should celebrate it because like, yeah, so happiness is something you have to pursue. So a lot of people are like, I would like to be happy. But the thing is, is like that would be like saying I'd like to be on mushrooms. So we would be like, do you have mushrooms? You know, right. Like you have to pursue mushrooms to be on mushrooms and happiness. You have to pursue. Right.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you do you have like ADHD or anything?

To experience the same chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin. Yeah. Like endorphins. And so I always say if you'd like to be more happy, there are different levels of happiness. There's low, moderate and high and the lowest level of like you have to microdose happiness until you build a tolerance. Interesting.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm saying that you could. Do you feel jealous of them?

um yeah i feel like they're living a life that i'm never going to be able to live i mean i'm a pessimist yeah yes a nihilist i hate it all okay but you said that i feel like this is a therapy session no but i mean you're the thing is is jealousy is not bad i agree jealousy is anger and sadness okay like that's the emotional equation and then envy is sadness plus anger

Yes. Well, actually, so depression is like, well, it's like sadness, you know. Yeah. But then also like if you're uninterested, like boredom is a very low level of disgust.

Jealous is anger plus sadness.

Yeah. I don't really feel either. Those are social emotions, which means they're hierarchical. So they're directed outwards towards others. Yeah. But you do feel jealous of people who are happy. But the thing is, is you need to celebrate like the moments that you do get good news. Even if it feels forced, it's going to feel forced.

You have to allow like do something, you know, to make to build a tolerance to happiness. if you don't engage with happiness and you, you know, don't like that when other people are happy, it's like building a tolerance to mushrooms. Like you, if you take four grams of mushrooms, you're going to end up weird in the woods. Whoa. Yeah.

So like, yes, you're going to be like, and you're going to become so happy that you freak out. So you got to start small. Like the small levels of happiness is content, serene, and grateful. OK, wow.

Mm hmm. Well, I mean, the thing is, is like if you keep doing the gratitude journal and obviously run all this by a therapist, like I know what you say is word. Yeah. So like you start microdosing gratitude by like practicing it every day. Yeah. You're going to start noticing that you are able to feel happier, you know, more than usual. Yeah.

You know, and so like you like again, like the mushroom things, you're building a tolerance and then you're going to hit like moderate levels of happiness. Yeah. And like those that's going to be like, oh, crap, like I can be happy. Right.

Yeah.

I take, I take Vyvanse for ADHD and then I do take Zoloft.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So like if you're like repelled by something, then of course you're not going to be interested. So you're going to need like something that offers you happiness in some way or like interesting. And like, what are you interested in normally?

I am, I guess I'm more femme when I dress up. But I think when I'm not dressed up, it's just, I don't know.

Yeah, I love it.

Yes, yeah.

Uh-huh. I think, well, I was in a, yeah, I was, you know, I was a bit of a slut, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you're like, I mean, you've heard of comp head.

Yeah. You're socialized to be. This thing is, is combat sucks because also like hooking up with dudes. I mean, is not like it's like everyone's like it sucks, you know? So people who are like lesbians or like sapphics hear that and they're like, yeah, it does suck because like straight women are saying it, too. And so you're like, oh, this it's just supposed to suck.

I'm kind of just around. I feel like with the TikTok ban, everyone was like, follow me on my other socials. And I was like, the thing is, is I've just been everywhere that you'll see me at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. So just follow whenever I pop up because I'm literally post everywhere.

So that's why like a lot of like lesbians come out later in life because they're like, I just was thought I was a part of the whole it sucks crew. Totally. Yeah.

No, exactly. That's why. And that's I mean, I I love sociology. That's why like gay men come out a lot earlier. Oh, because they still get to fuck. Well, yes. But their sexuality is taken more seriously. Yes. You know, and they're also not taught that they should. I mean, men are taught that you should be attracted to women. But more than anything, it's their pleasure that is.

And this is not me saying, like, gay dudes, you have it easy. No, they do. Yeah, it's like. Because they're dudes and we're women. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, the thing is, is like.

Yeah. So, I mean, the thing is. Yeah. They're just socialized. We're all socialized differently and we all deal with it differently. Totally. At different paces. Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah. The chaperone specifically. Like they talk about her like she's the weird ally. Yeah. No, she's a lesbian.

Yeah.

Yes.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they do. And lesbian relationships are real. But like every time it's like the thing is, is it's lesbianism. And it also just goes into like feminine sexuality in general. Like if a woman is like talks about what she likes or dislikes, it's like almost like it doesn't matter. Right.

You know, or like and the bisexual community deals with this a lot, like where if you're a bi woman, oh, you're doing it for attention. If you're a bi man, you're just gay because people cannot fathom that like attraction to women. Like if it's anywhere in the mix, it's like it's just it's not fair.

Okay.

I wouldn't say that. No.

Yeah. Well, I mean, the thing is, is if I were to explain this in math terms, bisexual and pansexual, like, they're both double-sided equations.

I don't know what that means. Where you have to like factor in on both sides. But the thing is, is just because like an answer to two questions can be four, it doesn't mean that you use the same equation to find the answer for four.

So the beauty of the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality lies within the actual function itself and the individual and like how they perceive and move throughout the world. OK. Yeah. And so like it's deeply personal. Right. So which one do you think is better? I don't think either is better.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A couple years ago, like 2021. Oh, so it's kind of new. Yeah. Well, I knew I was I thought I was bi beforehand. Okay. And so like, I think I thought I was I started thinking I was bi in 2017. But I hooked up with a woman like as early as 2012. Oh, wow. But I didn't think of anything of it because I was raised super Christian.

Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, I mean, it's just like, you know, I thought that only boys could be gay.

yeah totally so i was like if i i made out with this girl named sam and i was like shout out to sam we love sam but i was kind of like i don't know what that was and then i just kept like kept it moving because i i this is gonna sound so ignorant i mean like it's fine now i'm gay i was like i don't even know how girls do it you know i'm still like that yeah you know it's hard what are we doing literally

No. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, I mean, that makes sense. Like you like getting high. You like arranging stuff. Yeah. Like and you feel like you're do you ever feel like overwhelmed? All the time. Yeah. Yes. Okay. So like you're a nurse and the nervous system has a hierarchical order, you know? So like executive dysfunction is like your executive suite, like going awry.

yeah but now I'm like without the penetration is this all just foreplay yeah I think it's just like sex could be literally anything I guess however you define it if it's like like in heterosexual culture it's like when the penis goes in the vagina but really sex is a lot more other stuff right yeah like what Like, I mean, head or, like, fingering. Anal. You know? Okay, yeah, anal. Yeah.

Yeah. Anal.

Well, it's almost a lot of suffix are English majors.

What? Political lesbianism.

Well, if you were to it's dicey.

Yeah. And I mean, like, I love the very intellectual suffix. I mean, but you also have to understand that a lot of like dumb lesbians, too. Oh yeah, we're everywhere, you know? And shout out. We exist.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, the thing is, is like lesbianism as itself is already so isolating. Yeah. And like there is a heavy element of yearning and wanting. Yes. And so like when you feel like you're removed from a group, you will get more deep and introspective. I mean, do you feel like you get like really deep and introspective when you're alone? Yes.

And so beneath that is your motor cortex. And so like, if you feel relaxed and, You know, it's because you're literally going from executive to senior management. And when you're moving around, arranging everything, you're taking the pressure off of like your top level. Oh, interesting. And now you're moving around, which endorphins and dopamine and all this stuff. And it makes you feel happy.

Yeah.

like crazy yeah and so like also you can kind of this is embarrassing for a lot of lesbians at the bar but you can tell when a lesbian is yearning because happiness moves you closer to someone and sadness pushes you away so if you ever see someone kind of rocking back and forth at the bar whoa they are actually visibly yearning oh my god yeah and so like i do that all the time look for yearning yeah you're just like

it's kind of what's like a bid for connection at that point because the inverse of sadness is i mean the inverse of yearning is acceptance okay so like sadness plus happiness so if you are yearning to be accepted yeah you know and so it's like a bid for if you want to like know who to talk to at the lesbian bar the person rocking back and forth when there's no music wants someone to talk to right now oh my god what if you don't want to talk to him you just let him rock

Yeah. Just the music will come back on in a second. Yeah.

No, seriously. But yeah, it's the thing is, is why I feel like a lot of sapphics are more, you know, smarty pants is because like when you are alone a lot, lesbians are removed from society. You will get more deeper intellectual and you want to connect with others. Yeah. And so like, yeah, they just you're going to get a little bit more pretentious.

But we love you guys.

No, yeah, you can be two things at once. Yes. Yeah.

I mean, sapphics can include people who are non-binary.

Yeah, they're non-men.

Yeah.

Okay. What type of feminist books? Okay, we're going to get to intersectional feminism. So like I would say Hood Feminism is a really good book. Okay. Also, it's Black History Month. And so I think it's by Mickey Kendall. Really good. Layla Lalami, Conditional Citizens. Okay. Well, I mean, that's about, it's just intersectional feminism.

It's more like just feminism from the point of view of someone, a person of color, a woman of color to get their understanding and a feel of things. When it comes to like feminism, like traditional stuff. Isn't it hard kind of?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's like. I do want to say, though, it is ironic that you're like some lesbians are pretentious. Yeah. You're like, I love Sylvia Plath. I don't think I just like the bell jar.

Yeah.

Yeah, I get like, you're sad and gay. Tell me more about it. Oh, no, I love that. Wait, well, so you okay. Yeah, you were a nurse. I was trying to think if you have like any what is your creative background?

No, no, because that's just you're like, no, no, no. I mean, everyone is you're all parts of your nervous system at once. So like you'll always be in the executive suite, I guess. OK, but it's it's a matter of like knowing when if you're overwhelmed and you feel like you have executive dysfunction, there's so much going on where you physically can't.

Okay. Wait, your parents were the military.

Both of my parents were the Navy and my dad got kicked out.

Oh, yeah, he did.

But the thing is, is no. So my parents are like super militant. So like you said, you like being told what to do, like where your parents like very militant. Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, do you feel like you can't get away from work?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. God rest his soul.

Oh my gosh. No, Capricorns are very like driven. So what's your big three?

Thank you. But I was going to say you're an earth sign and then Aries and then Leo. So yeah. Damn. How do you relax? I relax.

Well, I mean, Capricorns are very, very hard workers. Yeah. Very dedicated to the grind. And Aries are very fiery. I mean, I am an air sign, so I love fire signs. But I just, you got a lot going on. So I mean, like, how do you, so you said that you stretch, but what do you do to express yourself?

Yeah.

do anything, you need to kind of go down to senior management, which is mostly your motor cortex, and start just putzing around, moving, arranging stuff. And that way, everyone in the executive suite is chilling out. And then so when you go back up, everyone's more calm and you can finally start to address the things that you need to do.

Yeah. And you said that you like to like organize and like do you decorate as well? Yeah, I like to. Yeah.

Yeah.

No, yeah, that is like an amazing type of expression. I mean, like you should try to like pursue some art or hobby, you know, just kind of to release some energy. Yeah. What do you do? Well, I love reading. I love Legos. I'm taking classes. I signed up for this perfume making class. Oh my God. That's fun. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited just for the first, but I love, I took a neon bending class.

Oh, it's a neon bending. I made like a neon sign. Oh my God. Okay.

Okay.

I try to like combine like fun learning. I know that sounds like such a no. The classes that you can take, like the Museum of Neon Art. And actually that's around the corner. Oh, wow. You could take like a neon bending class. And it's the fact that it has structure is great for people who are like more logical. But the fact that you're creating something is like the fun part.

It's where like left and right brain are coming together. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you're very much a Capricorn, which I imagine you like structure.

Yeah. You need some structured fun.

Yeah.

Yes. It was my shirt got sucked into the wheel. Oh, scary. Yeah. And then I like kind of smushed my guy down and it was just humiliating. But it was fine.

Yeah, I just destroyed it. Do you want us to fire this?

Well, the thing is, is art is supposed to suck at first, you know, like it's all about the process. So like, I mean, the thing is, is like no one's good at anything like the first time. Every single class I've taken, like I took a woodshop class. And I mean, like so lesbian of you. It was all lesbians. If you want to find a lesbian out in the wild, I was like, you guys are all so gay.

yes yeah and yes very thick glasses do you do your podcast yourself no i do it at studio 71 which is um i just launched a new they have the best podcast i feel they do i love them i just launched another one with them called shower thoughts and so that's coming out on february 12th is it like things that we're talking about here yeah do you get political yes

I love talking about politics, but like you said, in a palatable way. Yeah. Yeah. I try, if I like get too technical, I love including definitions and like sources.

Because like a large part of my audience does have like autism or ADHD. So you got to really break it down. And also I do as well. So like you have to, we need detail. You know, are you a fast reader? It depends on what's being read. Like if it's I do read more technical stuff and I do like to annotate. So it's not as fast as I'd like. Yeah. But I do want to understand it.

If it's like if it's like a memoir, I probably read it very fast. So fast. Yeah.

Yeah. Memoirs are like if people if people are trying to get in a nonfiction like memoirs are like the perfect gateway because it's like truth is stranger than fiction. So like it's like the you know, it's not the craziest nonfiction, but it's like the most interesting. Yes. Yeah.

I just love reading.

Yes.

Yeah.

They are. And they went over Julia Fox's book. And I really, really want to read it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's never too late. It's never too late. I mean, the thing is, is like I said, like if you start taking classes and you like, I mean, you like to watch people, you're probably going to find some interesting stories because there are people who take a lot of classes to save their marriage. Oh. And so, like, especially if you take a couples class, you'll watch couples break down in real time. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, you do. I am because when I got sober two years ago, I was like, well, if I can get sober, I can do stand up.

Yeah. So, I mean, like, you could have stories. And will it be piss stories? Like, that would be a horrible macaron making class. Yeah. Okay. But, like, I mean, there's piss involved. Yeah.

OK.

Yeah.

No.

No, yeah.

I mean, it's dye.

I know. But I mean, yeah, I do want to take a kink class. Oh, really? Yeah. Because they know a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, the diaper is what is it just like a visual thing or was it like a fillet? Yeah.

That was the best joke. You said depends. Sorry, sorry. Keep going. Yeah. Wait, what were you saying?

Yeah, I do have some. Well, my ex-partner I used to live with got lipo because they had like some gender surgery. So they had to wear diapers for a bit. I didn't feel anything actually when they wore them.

Yeah. And also it would like the holes would leak. Oh, wow. So it would like capture the fluid. But I guess, yeah, there is something strange about, you know what? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're literally a lesbian. You couldn't do that.

Yeah. I mean, I would love to do that. But the thing is, is I take Ativan before I go on. And so Ativan and alcohol don't mix. Yes. You know, blackout. Yes. Yeah. It's so like not funny on stage. She was literally on the floor. Yes.

Yeah, then, I mean, just wear it around the house.

Yeah, you could, like, you said you tried stretching. Like, that would be such a fun thing. Wear a strap on as you're stretching. Get in the middle so it's with a dick hanging out. Yeah, and then so when you write your memoir, you're like, this is what I do on Saturdays, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's because with my... Okay, topping for me is very hard. I have carpal tunnel. So I... Yeah. Anatomically, it gets in the way. I'm medically a bottom. And then also, with my last partner, they sat on my face so hard, I broke my nose. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, and so... Oh, my God. See, I want that to happen.

Yeah.

Yeah. And so that happens. And so it's a wee bit sensitive.

and then I had to go to the urgent care you know oh my god yeah okay broken nose torn butthole but like yeah so when I top it I have to wear a strap on or else I'm gonna get like crampy and crunchy how did the crampy hand have to do with the top carpal tunnel like cause I can't like Finger? That much. Yeah. Or else my hands start to kind of claw. Oh. And it gets really unappealing. Yeah.

Right. And I just well, I mean, you know, I always feel like I should be giving back, you know, because I do. It does take me a while on antidepressants. I end up feeling guilty. You know, I'm like, oh, it's been 50 minutes of you being down there. I feel like. And I want to, but I also just feel like, you know. Right. I'm like, I'm not good, but I try.

Well, I mean, I'll get, you know. Right. Yeah. It's a lot of communication. It is. Yeah.

Oh no, yeah. I'm a very literal person. I remember first time I was hooking up with a girl, she said, come for me. And I said, all right. And then like a couple more minutes go by and she's like, come for me. And I was like, I will. And then a couple more minutes go by and she's like, come for me. And I literally pushed her away and I was like, I gave you my word.

And so then when I got sober, I was like, I'll do stand-up. And then last year I did stand-up and I even went to the New York Comedy Festival. And so then two years ago. And then last year I was like, if I can do stand-up and get sober, I can start reading. And so I just started... Yes. X equals Y. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

I am literally trying so hard to come right now.

And I didn't realize it's just, oh, you're trying to talk to me. Or she was trying to pressure you. She's like, hurry up. Come on, let's go. And I was like, stop. Please. No, but I did. But it was just like, I came for her. I did. It took me a second. But like, yeah, I'm whenever there's talking. I also do want to get a little bit funny. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I feel like the other person might get out of it very quickly.

They're comedians, so why not?

Daddy. Who is that? Yeah. It's me. Have you tried role play? Because that would be a fun way to get like, I love that if you're like super funny in the bedroom, because then you can get like kind of porny.

Well, then, I mean, where, like, when, okay, I don't want to, do you, like, get, like, a church dress on? Oh, okay. Do you have a Bible?

Yeah, and then just, like, read it in the living room. Wow. And then, like, Robbie is, like, and, you know, trying to distract you, and you're like, please, like, it's Sunday.

Yeah, and then, like, you have, like, props, and. Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't look. Look. Don't look. But the thing is, is with that, you get to be funny and also sexy. So, like, they're getting into it, but you're getting, like, It all out, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I like I just got in a reading and I started going according to heritage months. And then like, oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. So right now is Black History Month. Next month is Women's History Month. And so I'm just reading according to that. And I like just is mostly nonfiction.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of... Well, actually, I don't... I'm trying to think of my favorite role play, but I don't have one at the moment.

Oh, crap. Well, the thing is, I have so many costumes because I also do sketches.

I think my favorite one is I have a headset and I'm like... Call center. Yeah. And, like, no one's available to come help, so I'm like... I guess I took the call. Try to give head with a headset on. Yes.

A literal icon. Thanks. Where can we find you? You can find me on TikTok or Instagram or YouTube. Sarah Schauer. S-C-H-A-U-E-R. I know. I love the pronunciation. Thank you. Yeah. Is it real? Yes. It's my father's. He gave it to me. Oh, yeah. But everyone's like, when I was blonde, they were like, golden shower. And I was like, you're so funny. Oh, pee on me. Yeah. I wish that was me. Right now.

Literally. Seriously. Where's that funnel?

Yeah.

But yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks.

I love how I didn't even know the podcast started when you first started talking. We were doing an audio check and I was like, okay, well, yeah, I'm Sarah Shaw. I'm excited to be here. And that's actually the beginning of the podcast.

Yeah, literally. Surprised. We're doing this.

Yeah, yeah. But thank you guys. Well, thank you guys. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

Yeah, because I want to the thing is, is like I've never felt like smart, you know, like growing up, I didn't really get good grades. And then I was in a military family, just kind of felt disconnected. Being a lesbian just felt disconnected. Oh, my God.

Yeah. My parents are also super Christian. So it's just like I I didn't I didn't want to do anything or learn. I just kind of wanted to survive. And then I was drinking heavily from college until like two years ago. So I was just like numb and then numb. So I was like, I don't want to escape anymore. What have I been missing? I'd like to read about the world and know what's going on. Wow.

Are you doing like a lot of stand up? Not at the moment, but I want to get back into it. I've just been like reading and I just launched my podcast. Well, I'm about to launch it next week. Oh, my God. Yeah. What's it called? Shower Thoughts.

Yeah. I want to because it's like how you were talking about how you enjoy how I talk. I wanted to make a podcast for people with like who are left and right brain. So if you're more intuitive or more logical, like I'm going to fuse them and we're all going to. Oh, my God. On the same page.

What made you want to get sober? I was just sick of it. I was like, this is not fun. You know, like you start drinking and you're like, this is like the first drink is always the funnest.

Yeah. And then I would like have like a handle like a day. Yeah.

Yeah.

yeah and you were just like functioning yeah and then I was like I this is all just too much and my I was getting older and I was like I can't do the stuff I want to and so I was like just I'm gonna try getting sober I'm gonna do dry January and then you know when you start something and you're like oh I'm gonna just see if I can keep it going also I'm scared that the bottom of my socks are dirty and like the camera's just like zooming in on yes that's all people are gonna look at don't look at the socks

Also, I can like steam clean this chair when we're done. I send you a bill. But I would pay it. Oh my God, no. But yeah, so I was just like, this is not doing anything for me anymore. And so then I tried getting sober and then it just stuck. Wow.

Yeah, I've been to I know it's supposed to be anonymous, but I've been to AA meetings and I have like all the chips whenever I talk.

Yeah. Like the left brains are out. No, I mean, it's like I guess intuition is the wrong word because intuition would be in your body. But it's yeah, it's like right and then left. It's like creative or like logical. But really, you need both because a lot of people who are like, I'm more logical. Well, logic is like the formula and your emotions are like the inputs and outputs.

I had I actually got to apologize to someone the other day. Oh, wow. So you're still... Yeah, well, because you don't see them as much. But there was this girl I had ghosted twice over like nine months apart. Like started talking to her and then I ghosted her to talk to someone else. And then I met her again. Criminal. Yes. And so then last week I was out at a bar like this, like lesbian event.

And I saw her for the first time and she was very friendly. And I was like, very forgiving. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I am so sorry. And I got to deliver like a full apology. Wow. With eye contact. And just like she was like, well, thank you for that. And I was I was like, this is actually feel so good. Right.