Shankar Vedantam

They're titled Love 2.0, How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 1, and Love 2.0, How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 2.

Today, James Cordova returns to Hidden Brain to respond to listeners' thoughts, stories, and questions about their relationships.

It's the latest installment of our popular segment, Your Questions Answered.

James Cordova, welcome back to Hidden Brain.

James, one of the things we discussed in our earlier conversations was the fact that some problems in our relationships are fixable and some are not.

So deciding which side of the bed to sleep on, that might be an easy problem.

Deciding whether to live in the city or the suburbs where partners want different things, you call these mezzanine-level problems.

Then there are the set of problems you call perpetual issues.

What makes perpetual issues different from other problems, James?

In other words, what you're saying is perpetual issues get at things that people really cannot change or accommodate.

You say that acceptance is the solution to perpetual issues.

Talk about this idea.

What do you mean by acceptance here, James?

I think some people hear the term acceptance and think that means that you are suggesting capitulation or rolling over.

You talk about the importance of developing a soft front and a strong back when we're engaging with our partners.

What do you mean by that term?

We talked in our earlier conversations about people who are cactuses and people who are ferns.

If you're a fern, you crave a lot of water, so you want a lot of emotional connection.

If you're a cactus, you crave less water and need more time to yourself to maybe charge your own batteries.

Here's a message we received on that front from a listener named Emily.