Shankar Vedantam

So deciding which side of the bed to sleep on, that might be an easy problem.

Deciding whether to live in the city or the suburbs where partners want different things, you call these mezzanine-level problems.

Then there are the set of problems you call perpetual issues.

What makes perpetual issues different from other problems, James?

In other words, what you're saying is perpetual issues get at things that people really cannot change or accommodate.

You say that acceptance is the solution to perpetual issues.

Talk about this idea.

What do you mean by acceptance here, James?

I think some people hear the term acceptance and think that means that you are suggesting capitulation or rolling over.

You talk about the importance of developing a soft front and a strong back when we're engaging with our partners.

What do you mean by that term?

We talked in our earlier conversations about people who are cactuses and people who are ferns.

If you're a fern, you crave a lot of water, so you want a lot of emotional connection.

If you're a cactus, you crave less water and need more time to yourself to maybe charge your own batteries.

Here's a message we received on that front from a listener named Emily.

She says that she and her husband have been married for 12 years and were together for many years before that.

I can hear how Emily is struggling here, James.

Obviously, you don't know all the particulars of this relationship, but what advice would you have for Emily and her husband?

One of the things that often happens in relationships is that partners express their needs through accusations.

You talk about the importance of emphasizing pain without bringing up accusations.