Shankar Vedantam

I think some people hear the term acceptance and think that means that you are suggesting capitulation or rolling over.

You talk about the importance of developing a soft front and a strong back when we're engaging with our partners.

What do you mean by that term?

We talked in our earlier conversations about people who are cactuses and people who are ferns.

If you're a fern, you crave a lot of water, so you want a lot of emotional connection.

If you're a cactus, you crave less water and need more time to yourself to maybe charge your own batteries.

Here's a message we received on that front from a listener named Emily.

She says that she and her husband have been married for 12 years and were together for many years before that.

I can hear how Emily is struggling here, James.

Obviously, you don't know all the particulars of this relationship, but what advice would you have for Emily and her husband?

One of the things that often happens in relationships is that partners express their needs through accusations.

You talk about the importance of emphasizing pain without bringing up accusations.

How would you suggest a couple like Emily and her husband do this, James?

Hidden Brain listeners are just amazing, James, and this next question blew me away.

Listener Cassandra asks whether the challenge of acceptance has less to do with our partners and more to do with ourselves.

What do you think, James?

Is the challenge of acceptance less about accepting our partners and more about accepting ourselves?

Accepting our partner's flaws and making peace with them can be tough.

Accepting our own flaws and apologizing for the hurt we've caused can be equally challenging.

When we come back, listeners' questions about the concept of eating the blame.