Shankar Vedantam

She says that when she eats the blame in her relationship, she notices that it helps her to reconnect with her partner, but there's a catch.

What do you think, James?

If only one person is eating the blame over and over again, it seems like that's a meal that would become pretty unappetizing over time.

I think it's important to note how gender may play into our expectations around who's eating the blame in a relationship.

Listener Susan wrote to us to say, I appreciated James Cordova's perspective and ideas on increasing intimacy in partner relationships.

However, I became uncomfortable when he talked about eating the blame.

As a woman and a social worker with a background in family violence, eating the blame is exactly what women in our culture are expected to do in intimate relationships.

I think Cordova's ideas can be transformational within relationships that are structurally equal.

But for many women, taking on the blame for anything that goes wrong in the relationship is what she has been socialized to do.

And it does not usually result in a male partner who is more understanding, emotionally available, and willing to take more blame himself.

Talk for a moment, James, about how you think gender might play into this discussion.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I'm wondering if I can propose something of a test.

Clearly, there are situations where people are in unequal relationships, abusive relationships, and I don't think I'm hearing you say that they should be consistently eating the blame in those situations.

But equally, there are many situations where people are not in abusive relationships, but they find it really difficult to eat the blame.

Is one test to ask yourself, is it my ego that is keeping me from eating the blame?

And if the answer to that question is yes,

that is a situation where you should try to eat the blame.

So strategies like acceptance and eating the blame are clearly not going to be panaceas for all relationships.