Sheinelle Jones

It was my first day back on the air.

I was like tipping around in the dark, and then I was like...

And I remember turning on the lights and then looking over there and like, sometimes he would be like, oh, he would put the sheet over his head and yeah.

So I'm so torn and because I'm still new in it, there's a part of me that sees the beauty and I'm proud of myself for how I'm able to wrap my mind around it.

I do see beauty in being able to have these conversations.

I feel like I have been able to get a special key

And the key comes at a cost.

And when you have this grief key, it unlocks the door to a club that you're in and that I'm in and others are in.

And it allows us to be in this special matrix of, I think, understanding and

or at least the recognition that we're in a search for it.

And it's just really a beautiful way to live life because it's almost like you have another sense that's built into it.

So I think that's a beautiful thing.

But if you ask me if I want that key, like at what cost, I'm torn on it.

And I'm okay with it for me.

It sucks.

But I'm almost 50, so I feel like I'm halfway through.

What's hard to hear in that

is what my kids now have to carry.

Then as a mom, I'm like, oh, I hate that my kids have to deal with that.

My little guy said one time we were in the kitchen, my 13-year-old son, he goes, mommy, I see things as like BCAD.