Sherry Liu

I think I was known as like the nice girl in class, which as an adult, I look back on and I'm like, hmm, what does that really mean?

What does being nice really mean?

And so I think part of being liked, though, if you just want everyone to like you, you can't really take too much risks.

Like one thing, you can't really say no if someone asks you for something.

People would ask me for help on homework.

People would ask me for help on school projects.

And I was happy to say yes and help on those things.

But it was not really coming out of a place I feel like where I was like, oh, I genuinely feel like I want to help.

It was that like I want to make others happy, but I'm also so scared to say no, because what if you're unhappy with me?

My little sister is seven years younger, and when your little sister or little sibling has a significant age gap, you don't grow up as peers.

Your little sibling's, like, looking up to you.

And so the eldest daughter part, I think, of people-pleasing comes in when you feel like your actions are just more than your own, and it has this trickle-down effect to your little sibling.

So I'm the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, meaning I was born here, but my parents immigrated from China.

And so they brought a different culture in raising.

And I think like just in generally Asian cultures, it's more collectivist than the Western culture.

You're really cognizant of authority and you want to make like authority being like your parents or your bosses, right?

And that goes hand in hand with respect.

And you want to make sure everyone around you is comfortable and you're always anticipating other people's needs.

People think me, because I am not only an Asian woman, but also like short in stature, that I'm just going to say yes to everything.

And they expect me to in a way that I think they don't expect my other colleagues.

And so when I started my first job, I knew that for me to be successful in corporate America, I can't be saying yes to everything.

Because I need to make sure I get promoted and I can't be promoted if I'm doing secretarial work 100 percent of the time or the work that nobody wants to do and gives it to me and the work that has no impact.

And so in the workplace, I was like, OK, like I myself am trying like my best to not people please and stand up for myself.

But at the same time, I had to experience this additional challenge of people just thinking like, oh, like this is someone who is going to just say yes to everything we ask.

And I was telling her, I was like, I've worked so hard this year.

I've been working towards a promotion.

Like, where am I?

Like, and she looked me stir in the face and she was like, all of your projects, you're working a lot, but you're all helping other people.

Like, you need something that you own.

And I was like, but I don't have time to do any of these things because everybody needs my support.

And like, I want to help the team.

And she's like, well, I'm just going to be honest with you for you to like,

Gain leverage in the workplace and to like eventually be a senior leader.

You need to really carve out things of impact that you yourself lead.

And that means saying no to other extraneous requests.

It actually doesn't help you to be the most easygoing person in the office and say yes to everything.

Everyone's going to like you, but that won't get you anywhere.

And I was like, oh my goodness.

I need to start saying no to things.

After that conversation, in the future, I would go to my managers, and I would very clearly articulate what I wanted.

I was like, okay, it's my priority to do these things, but just so you know, for me to do these things, I'm going to need the time to do them.

And that is going to mean that I might have to say no to requests that maybe my coworkers ask me, requests that maybe sister teams are gonna ask me, requests maybe like upper management might ask me.

And I'm going to have to count on you as my manager to help me say no and to help me deflect things that aren't actually going to be important on my team.

It made it so much easier for me to say no because I also knew that my manager was on my side and that they would also stick up for me.

And that saying no wouldn't mean people thinking I was a bad coworker because it would be clear that I'm saying no because I want to say yes on the things that are actually important.

Like, immediately, I would say, hey, I, you know, I'm at bandwidth right now, but I wouldn't just say no straight up.

I would offer what I can help.

If I were you, this is how I would approach it, and I would give them maybe a framework to go about it.

I would say, I can't help you at this time.

However, if you need it urgently, so-and-so might be able to give you the answer.

What surprised me when I started saying no in just all aspects of life is that people are actually really understanding.

Like most people, when they ask you something, it's not like a life or death situation or it's not black or white.

It's not like they ask you something.

If you don't do it, they'll stop being your friend.

And I think when you start saying no and you realize sometimes people are just like, OK, no worries, I'll do it myself or like, no worries.

I'll ask somebody else.

You're like, this thing that I in my head thought was just so important to them actually was not that important to them that I helped them with it at this specific moment.

And when someone says no to me for a good reason, I'm like, okay, whatever.

Like, like, I totally understand.

And I'm like, okay, wait, like, if I react like this, then like, why do I feel like people are gonna dislike me if I do the same exact thing?

You know, let me, this is like an odd example, but you know how like, are you a cat person, Adam?

I don't know.

I had to guess.

I had to guess.

But I think cats get more respect sometimes because they draw strong boundaries, you know?

And then when a cat, like, when a cat who's not very cuddly comes and, like, cuddles you on your lap or, like, gives you affection, you're like, oh, my goodness.

Like, this day is, like, the best day ever.

Like, they chose me.

Versus, like, maybe a dog.

My family has a dog.

She's, like, cuddly all the time and super affectionate.

And when she's affectionate, like, we are also very happy.

But it's not the same amount of shock and joy.

Right.

As if like a cat who doesn't do that does it to you.

Do you agree?

What does that say?