Susan Burton

I got my first period when I was 10, and then I continued to get it for the next 40 years. I didn't get it every month. There were exceptions, blackout dates, pregnancy, breastfeeding, anorexia. But for most of the 40 years, each month my period would come, and I'd open a calendar and mark the anticipated date of my next period with a TK, like a forthcoming fact in a piece I was reporting.

I got my first period when I was 10, and then I continued to get it for the next 40 years. I didn't get it every month. There were exceptions, blackout dates, pregnancy, breastfeeding, anorexia. But for most of the 40 years, each month my period would come, and I'd open a calendar and mark the anticipated date of my next period with a TK, like a forthcoming fact in a piece I was reporting.

Sometimes I would get my period and not have tampons, and then I would go online and order enough tampons so that I would never run out again, and then suddenly I was about to turn 50, and I understood I would never get through all the tampons I had ordered. What was the first day of your last period? asked the nurse at the gynecologist's office.

Sometimes I would get my period and not have tampons, and then I would go online and order enough tampons so that I would never run out again, and then suddenly I was about to turn 50, and I understood I would never get through all the tampons I had ordered. What was the first day of your last period? asked the nurse at the gynecologist's office.

Okay, I said, I mean, I think it was sometime last month, like August, but it's hard to tell. I'm at that age, you know, like I was kind of bleeding all summer. Not in an alarming way, just it was hard to tell. You are officially in menopause once you go one full year without a period. So I was not there yet. I was in perimenopause. During peri, my period had first come a lot, every 18 days.

Okay, I said, I mean, I think it was sometime last month, like August, but it's hard to tell. I'm at that age, you know, like I was kind of bleeding all summer. Not in an alarming way, just it was hard to tell. You are officially in menopause once you go one full year without a period. So I was not there yet. I was in perimenopause. During peri, my period had first come a lot, every 18 days.

Over time, that changed, 60 days between periods, then 90. I'd start thinking, this is it. And then I'd get my period again, and the clock would restart. Congratulations, a friend said to me one day when the counter reset to zero. She was kidding, but that was the feeling. Perry was a safe zone, and I wanted to stay there. What made Perry a safe zone was simply that it was not menopause.

Over time, that changed, 60 days between periods, then 90. I'd start thinking, this is it. And then I'd get my period again, and the clock would restart. Congratulations, a friend said to me one day when the counter reset to zero. She was kidding, but that was the feeling. Perry was a safe zone, and I wanted to stay there. What made Perry a safe zone was simply that it was not menopause.

It was still the before time. Perry may have been a safe zone, but it was not a safe harbor. During it, I'd had the common symptoms you hear about and other things you don't. Frozen shoulder, which was just what it sounded like. Migraines I managed by digging my fingernails into my forehead.

It was still the before time. Perry may have been a safe zone, but it was not a safe harbor. During it, I'd had the common symptoms you hear about and other things you don't. Frozen shoulder, which was just what it sounded like. Migraines I managed by digging my fingernails into my forehead.

There were remedies for some of the symptoms, but what I tried or didn't is not what I want to get into here. My point is that I'd already been through a few rocky years. Years of accelerated aging. I felt startled by how quickly my face was changing. According to the internet, this was on me. There was a punitive quality to the phrase, sun damage.

There were remedies for some of the symptoms, but what I tried or didn't is not what I want to get into here. My point is that I'd already been through a few rocky years. Years of accelerated aging. I felt startled by how quickly my face was changing. According to the internet, this was on me. There was a punitive quality to the phrase, sun damage.

But the promise was that once you were officially in menopause, you would feel better because things would slow down and your moods would level out. You would come into your own. You would give a shit less. In menopause, you would be sanguine. And yet I wasn't eager to get there. All along, I'd had so many fears about menopause.

But the promise was that once you were officially in menopause, you would feel better because things would slow down and your moods would level out. You would come into your own. You would give a shit less. In menopause, you would be sanguine. And yet I wasn't eager to get there. All along, I'd had so many fears about menopause.

A short list of those fears might start with my associations to the word. Dry, wiry, papery. I was scared of what would happen to desire, like how much of it I would feel. The messaging on this was positive. Women in menopause can still be sexy and still want sex. But the celebrities of menopause were hot and liberated. And you hardly heard from the regular women, who maybe did want less.

A short list of those fears might start with my associations to the word. Dry, wiry, papery. I was scared of what would happen to desire, like how much of it I would feel. The messaging on this was positive. Women in menopause can still be sexy and still want sex. But the celebrities of menopause were hot and liberated. And you hardly heard from the regular women, who maybe did want less.

And that was the information I was looking for, how it felt to still be sexual, but to have the volume just turn down a bit. Because that was what I suspected was most true. I didn't know yet. I wasn't there. but I thought I might be closer than I'd ever been. That period I'd had in August, light, persistent. I had a feeling it would be the last one.

And that was the information I was looking for, how it felt to still be sexual, but to have the volume just turn down a bit. Because that was what I suspected was most true. I didn't know yet. I wasn't there. but I thought I might be closer than I'd ever been. That period I'd had in August, light, persistent. I had a feeling it would be the last one.

My bet was that once the hand on the clock circled through the year, that would be it. I would officially be in menopause. September, October, November, December. No period. Still in the before time. It was sort of like not wanting to move into a new decade, like wanting to linger in the last months of being 29, 39, 49, or 9.

My bet was that once the hand on the clock circled through the year, that would be it. I would officially be in menopause. September, October, November, December. No period. Still in the before time. It was sort of like not wanting to move into a new decade, like wanting to linger in the last months of being 29, 39, 49, or 9.