Tess

I mean, like, I feel like I would, but the fact that you're still really confused is not, like, I'm not understanding why you're so confused. Because I just explained to you why.

Yeah, this is Tess.

Who is this?

It was fine, yeah. Fine. Yeah.

No, actually. But, yeah, we went to this bar.

Oh, great. Okay. Well, if you heard the story, then you probably do you know the part where like the mug fell off the shelf? Oh, yeah.

I thought it was. so weird. It was just so extra. There was no need to do that. He, like, swooped in. It was just, like, the whole place was covered in mugs, like, on these shelves. He swooped in, like, in this weird split second to, like, save me from this mug. And, like, I was like, ew, like, why?

Yeah, but I feel like I would have seen it, like, before it did. Like, he didn't need to go out of his way to be the savior of the bar.

I mean, it wasn't, like, that high up. It wouldn't have, like, killed me or anything. It was so extra. And we had just gone out. I was... We were there, like, max an hour at that point. Like, we hadn't spent any time together alone before that.

Yeah, it just seemed like he was just, like, obsessed with me. So I just, I had this, like, major ick after that point.

I need to be very clear about, like, me as a person, I don't need you to step in for me ever. And you doing that literally like an hour into our date was very weird. I just like, I can do things myself. I'm not an idiot.

I think that I am not dumb enough to step out of the way of a moving car.

Is that too aggressive? Nothing. That probably would have been less gross than you weeping in.

And, like, it would depend what your tone was, too. Like, if you were telling me, like, I'm a child that can't fend for myself in the world, yeah, I'd probably be offended. But if you're telling me in a nice way like oh heads up like just I'm a normal kind human I actually see what she's saying.

Okay. Sounds good. So, um, the question is sort of twofold. Um, and I'm just going to dive right into like the question that I wrote into the show. Um, cause I can tend to ramble. Um, so I don't know anything about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay. Um, so Every time my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I feel mad at him and make an excuse most of the time. I know it's just built up anger and resentment from our past issues, and what can I do to just let him in? And this is the twofold part.

1,000%.

My husband does have depression and has recently in the past questioned whether or not he wants to be with me and accuses his unhappiness to me one day, and then all is forgotten the next. followed by wanting to be intimate.

But I'm like, you just told me a few days ago how unhappy you are, and it's making me feel crazy, and I just feel like I need guidance on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work.

Yes, multiple times. We are very open, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, here's what you're doing.

Okay.

I am looking for basically, I want to, I guess, have... know the tools to kind of create for me, kind of maybe figure out what the core issue is for me possibly, and to kind of know what the tools are to be able to open up to him physically again, because I want to, because I know it's not just about the sex.

Okay.

Okay. That makes a lot of sense.

Mm-hmm.

It's like, it's kind of the past arguments kind of belting up about things and towards him. And I don't know, I just want to be able to like kind of relax and be open to it again. Because at the end of a long day, I'm very, very tired a lot of the time with the kids because I'm a stay-at-home mom with them.

Right.

Yes.

And then it's either that or I'm just kind of annoyed at him whenever he tries to initiate it.

Okay.

Awesome. Thank you for your help.

Yeah. Yeah. I have an inkling what that might be. Um, the thing is, this has happened a lot more after having kids. So it hasn't always been like this with him. Um, but when you bring up trauma, like it definitely, like emotional about it, but, um, like, um, I grew up with, well, my parents divorced when I was three. And, um, my sister and me, um,

saw my dad part time, um, on like, like every other weekend and every Wednesday. And my dad definitely, um, had like kind of bipolar issues, serious anger problems. Um, he just wasn't like really a good guy. Like when it comes to sex, I like, I like, I really think about like him in terms of like,

like he'd bring his girlfriends over and they would like make out on the sofa in front of us or like have sex in the next room, kind of with me and my sister.

Um, and then we would, you know, and on the flip side of the coin, like he would get really mad whenever we wanted to call her mom and like slam the phone down and like threatened to like, you know, like just like kind of threatened to spank us and stuff. So that kind of anger, um, I don't know, around that maybe. For the longest time, I've been trying to figure if there's some kind of connection.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Every time my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I'm like, you just told me a few days ago how unhappy you are and it's making me feel crazy and I just feel like I need guidance on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work. Gotcha.

Yeah.

No, definitely. I mean, parts of it definitely sound familiar, kind of connect. The only thing I'm, I guess, confused by is that, like, it hasn't always been like this with him or even with, like, past relationships I've had. Like, I don't know.

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

Doing well. Very surreal speaking with you.

Yeah, I feel like a live wire like most of the time.

Like just anxiety and things I haven't done. Yeah.

I'm fine.

Thank you. Thanks for having us.

We got things in work. We haven't talked about an actual wedding. Okay. Because the commitment ceremony to me, I feel like, It was great.

It was amazing. Right now I have a lot of things going on in my life with my parents and everything. And so I've been focusing on my mother and everything, but I'm officially retired now. Congratulations. I'm just trying to enjoy life.

our girl is beaming like the way she is yeah so yeah things are a lot better um i retired early due to ptsd a lot of people don't understand when i talked about the light the darkness wasn't anything relationship wise it was literally me with my job and it's so much stuff i can't talk about okay so i had to describe it as darkness and

made me believe that there is like when we had that talk the next morning really and sometimes it's not a bad thing to have a strong woman you know people say they want a Michelle but in order to get a Michelle you have to be able to receive like a Barack 10 years of them wasn't Like, perfect.

We're going to Thailand for our birthday this year. My best friend is out there. He owns his own compound, so I'm going to go support him.

Meet the family and stuff.

That smell. I was like, man, stop smelling at me. I can't even be mad at her. She starts smelling. I'm like, oh, baby.

Her ability to be an empath, her ability to recognize my weakness as a strength. And when I felt that, it was, I can't let that go. She didn't judge me for My weakness, my past. Basically, I was going through two divorces. One with my job, something you do your whole life, you live for, and you can't take it no more. And everybody else looking around me, you this big, strong guy.

You tougher than that. And it's just not. We all cry the same. It's not.

Funny you say that, because when we first met, we always talked about our fathers. And her father passed and my father passed. And I'm like, it had to be my daddy up there talking like, I got a son.

That's the jokes we talk about.

Yes, we grew up 11 blocks from each other.

Never met.

I'd known her brothers for... Seventh grade was 98.

I don't know if they didn't want her around me. She does not exist. But never knew. I mean, I know them. They know everything about me. They know about me financially. So a lot of people saying, right, if you didn't really give him smoke because he knew me.

Yeah. So it's not a... I called him because I didn't know he was related. I called him like, oh, and he's like, yeah. I'm like.

Once at the Rojo Gasano.

Our first date.

She gave me her number, you know, production, tell us to leave, and everybody leave. So I called her. She didn't call. I mean, she didn't answer right away. Maybe she was getting in the car. So she returned my call, and I seen Obot.

Coming from where we come from. There's only one. Immediately, I'm like, ain't no way. I run up to the car. There's no way possible that you're related to Ryan. You feel me?

We got the same godfather.

That'd make it even crazier.

And never met each other.

And it was all heaven sent. I didn't expect nothing.

I get there, I'm sitting there, I'm nervous. And walk through the door, I seen a height. I never dated really tall women.

She's not tall enough. I'm the perfect height. That's my baby. I'm the perfect height. Brandon. Yes.

He was the first plug and play because it's called Married at First Sight. So his wife, he had no idea who he was going to see at the end. I'm not plug and play. I got to chose to make her my wife.

And plug and play, if it's like a unique key, most people, you can't plug anybody into this lot.

So I'm her perfect fit, so plug me. That's what he said.

What are you talking about, man? I don't care.

Honestly, I didn't do none of that for other people. I was just being me. You know, drinks and that's me. I live unapologetically. Yeah. I know life is short. Dealing with my PTSD, you should laugh more and be less serious because you don't get that time back. And the time you waste, just think. So that way you can say, what'd you do yesterday? I didn't do nothing. No, I did do something.

I was thinking yesterday. I was laughing yesterday.

I will propose right now.

I was class clown and teacher pet.

So I got voted as the baddest kid, and I also got voted as the nicest.

They love him. Yeah. Like, when I say love, love. They have M dates. Oh, yes. Like, they don't call me.

They bring me doggie bags from maybe out eating, kicking it. I come back out and eat the leftovers.

Straight A students.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

So I was open and honest on our first date. She asked me, so what's going on? I said, currently I'm living in. On my sister's couch. But it was 72 hours after I filed divorce. It wasn't like I had a house. I didn't want to sell it. I had a house that was in the process of selling. And that's why I was there.

Hey, so that whole hand clap was a whole thing. You just only saw one part of it.

And only going to use it at the end. Oh, my God.

Yeah, because the first time, they were like, did y'all ever, you know, sleep together and everything? And I'm like, I'm not spreading her business, you know? Then Brittany was like, good job. So I told the camera, I'm like, well, yes, we. Then ever since then.

I didn't make it up. Gosh. Okay, okay, okay. No, right now, we just got into a new place. We might stay there a year or two. Wait for the market to change, start house shopping.

You like a good game?

That's definitely a ditch for me. Because now you're going to be living with me. Nope. It's a ditch for me, too.

Ditch for me, too.

What if it's really funny?

I don't know. I'm like, that's okay with me. She cried. Oh, yeah. Laugh it out.

I'm trying to be calm because, you know, I want them to say he's here for this and that.

Tell me about it.

She hired me. I hired him.

My price too high.

My biggest takeaway from the show is a better understanding for love. At first, I came in judging love off of feeling. Later on in the season, you'll see Pastor Cal kind of teach me what love is. Love is not the feeling, because feelings come and go. Love is the commitment. When you make that commitment to that person, you're committed to them, whether you feel this way or not.

The commitment is the love. So people out here that's judging love on feelings,

I'm not saying it's not going to work. I love this love, but you got to be committed to that feeling then.

Even when it's there. So love is a commitment. So my biggest takeaway from it is my whole outlook at love.

I learned that the fans are mean. Boy, they're like, why is he here? You're right. I shouldn't have been. They are mean. I could have been.

And I won't say all fans because you have some great fans out there. But the ones that's, they making bad press on the show. The show is not about what they're talking about. It's about love. If people come here committed for love, the show will work out.

I want to meet Ali. I can't marry you right now. I want to meet Ali. I'm so excited for y'all. I've seen her engagement. Congratulations. That video was off the chain, girl.

Baby, did you see?

Chicago date night, a London date night. Yes. LA date night.

We'll set something up for sure.