On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman who struggles to be intimate with her husband · A husband trying to convince his wife that they don’t need to adopt · A mom wondering how to tell the kids about a new boundary Next Steps: 📘 Get Julie Federico’s book Some Parts Are Not for Sharing. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Why does intimacy feel challenging in marriage?
Every time my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I'm like, you just told me a few days ago how unhappy you are and it's making me feel crazy and I just feel like I need guidance on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work. Gotcha.
What's going on? What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us to talk about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. It's real people going through real challenges. We don't make up anything on this show. This is all real live stuff.
If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And a text box will pop up and you can write in what you're going through and what you're experiencing. And see if we can get you on the show. And I'll pull up a seat next to you at the bar and we will figure out what is going on. Let's roll out to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to, oh, it's a couple's call.
We'll go to Raleigh and I'm going to pull up Tess here. Hey, Tess, what's up?
Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
I'm great. You doing good?
Doing well. Very surreal speaking with you.
It's surreal too. And I'm going to pull up Michael here. Michael, you there? Yeah. Hey, how's it going? What's up, homie? All right. So I got both of you here. Good to talk to y'all.
Yeah. Yeah. You too. Thanks for having us on.
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Chapter 2: What past experiences affect our current relationships?
Um, and then we would, you know, and on the flip side of the coin, like he would get really mad whenever we wanted to call her mom and like slam the phone down and like threatened to like, you know, like just like kind of threatened to spank us and stuff. So that kind of anger, um, I don't know, around that maybe. For the longest time, I've been trying to figure if there's some kind of connection.
So can I paint a picture for you?
Yeah, sure.
So Tessa and Michael, this is me with a big handful of spaghetti thrown up against the wall, okay? See what sticks. But just listening to you guys for a few minutes, tell me if I'm on the right track or if I'm not on the right track, okay? Okay.
Okay.
And I want to preface this with the old therapeutic adage, we marry our unfinished business, okay? So, Michael, you've wrestled with various challenges with emotional and mental health for most of your life. And it sounds like you're working really hard and yet you have gullies and seasons when things are pretty low. Is that fair?
Yeah, that's fair.
Okay. So... I don't want to go too nerdy, but it's my belief that many men, many, many men, millions of men, They understand that at work, in their faith practice, just hanging out with the bros, that vulnerability will get them killed. And not killed like a bullet to your head, but killed, ostracized, pushed out.
Nobody wants to hear a guy whining about stuff with a bunch of dudes in the room, okay? And so the only way they know they're connected... is either shoulder to shoulder, a group of guys doing a hard thing together, building a thing, solving a problem, doing something, right? Or they get home in their romantic relationships. The only way they are safe enough to be honest and vulnerable is sex.
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Chapter 3: How can communication improve marital intimacy?
You can, I've seen people who are just chaotic maniacs that they have a kid and do, it just flips a switch. They start showering all the time. They show up on time. They get promoted at work. It's just the thing they were anchored into. And I can tell you for me, man, I was super reliable at work, and I was fun to be around. I was a little unhinged like I always am, but having a kid spun me up.
Yeah, I feel like a live wire like most of the time.
That's it.
Like just anxiety and things I haven't done. Yeah.
What did having kids bring to your chest, that little reactor in the middle of your chest? Does it give you peace? Does it make you feel less than?
Oh, just love. I mean, they're the best part of my life, no offense to us. But they are... Far and away, you know, my great motivator.
And, you know, it's funny that, you know, you mentioned kind of the survival aspect because it's definitely true that who I am at home is not, you know, the same type of, you know, guy that I am when I'm out with my friends or when I'm at work and there's different responsibilities and expectations. But, you know, I do...
look at, you know, kind of the last year and how this kind of problem has, well, you know, problem, the situation has kind of deepened, you know, I spent half of last year unemployed. Um, and there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of negativity going around between me and my wife and, you know, we do everything that we can to just, you know, keep up with our kids.
And then she's right that by the end of the days, you know, we're exhausted. And I look at the intimacy as, Kind of, you know, that, you know, break from the world versus, I think, you know, some of the things that I said and done while I was really feeling down, you know, that obviously still sits really, really heavily with her.
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Chapter 4: What role does mental health play in relationships?
The next call for both of you today is that y'all both need to call a marriage counselor and commit to getting in there before this week is over. We're recording this episode on a Monday. My hope is you are seeing somebody by Friday of this week. Cancel what you have to cancel, take some time off of work, find some childcare, and let's go sit down and start rebuilding this thing.
1,000%.
Thanks for the call, Tess and Michael. I love you guys. Call anytime if I can help. All right, we come back. We're going to talk to a man who is at odds with his wife over a major life decision. Hang with us. Okay, let's talk about Cozy Earth.
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Chapter 5: How do parenting challenges impact marital dynamics?
And now that we've had our third one for a year, it's gotten brought back up, the possibility of adopting or fostering. And in my mind, our house is full. We don't have room. I don't even know how that would be possible. How's that conversation gone when you say that? Um, it's gone. It's gone.
What I think as well, but then it, uh, we usually come to an agreement and she, she says that she understands, she understands my point of view and that it does make sense what I'm saying. And then something happens, usually something regarding social media or she sees something on the news.
And then next thing you know, I'm getting ads for local adoption agencies and children that are up for adoption. Or one of the issues is our house was small. I'll get ads for bigger houses. And it's just, I don't even know what to do. I don't even know how to respond to those. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I work in the power industry.
Okay. So you live in a very expensive part of the country, and I'm assuming—well, I don't want to make an assumption. Tell me how you do financially.
Pretty well financially, probably. One thing we've been doing, I've been trying to do, she'd stay at home, so it's just my income. How much do you make a year? Last year, I made $110,000.
Okay. Which, after you factor out everything with the cost of inflation, that's a good salary, but you're not living high on the hog with three kids and a small house in Las Vegas.
No. No. We got into the market pretty well, so luckily our mortgage is pretty low, but if we were to move, you're talking, it would double probably.
Yeah. So a couple of things here, because here's what I'm hearing. I hear two things. One, you're asking for what's a way that, like, what are some ways you can communicate better to your wife, right? As of right now, I'm finished with adding to this family. I want to be happy and whole with the family we got. We got three healthy kids. Let's be happy about that.
And it sounds like you've tried in your way to have that conversation and it just doesn't seem to be clicking through. The second thing I'm hearing is every time you get an ad for a house, every time you get like, hey, let's do this with kids. Hey, look at what we're not doing.
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Chapter 6: What steps can couples take to rebuild their connection?
If after our conversation, if it does continue, then... But I mean, I think it's being clear about... You can ask, would you please stop sending these to me?
Yeah, I have.
Okay. Yeah, I haven't. It's come back. So the next question is asking, hey, this is just me being curious, not judgmental. Judgmental would be, I told you to quit sinning. We're not going to do that. Curious is, hey, I've been real clear. These make me feel uncomfortable. They make me feel less than. I just want to focus on who we got, and you keep sinning them. What am I missing here?
Yeah, I can... I can definitely do that if it does come up as far as for the, like the transference of it, you know, same thing, just be more. What do you mean?
What do you mean transference? That's an old Freud term. What do you mean?
As far, as far as it started with the adoption and then because we talked that and talk about that and we kind of, Um, well, I did at least, uh, agree that that wasn't what we were going to do. And then it, it transferred to, well, since, and she has said at one time that it upset me, but well, since we're not going to have a fourth child, can we get a different house?
Or since we're not going to have a fourth child, can we get another dog?
Yeah, and that's, again, it's not about the house. It's not about the dog. It's not about the kid. It's about somebody in their own language crying out, I'm not happy in the life I've co-created. And it's the same conversation I would have with another guy about adding a car or another gun or another guitar. That's me talking to myself here.
Like adding another trip or another, like it's always this idea that the piece is on the acquisition of another thing. Yeah. Okay. If this was just the kid, if it was just about adoption, that's a different path, okay? I get not feeling whole until you have this picture of your family complete in your mind. I get that.
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Chapter 7: How to navigate the desire for more children?
Did you tell his parents?
His mom was actually over.
What did she say?
She just said she was sorry and that his sister's been doing that at home. And then she yelled at him to apologize and that was that. But she hasn't talked to me really since. And then, um, like with the bullying, we've brought it up and she just goes, oh, they're just, you know, they just bicker back and forth because they're like each other.
Tell me about, tell me about bullying.
Um, well, she's always telling her how he's, she's a loser or, uh, makes fun of her cause she has to wear glasses or, oh, you'll never be a good gymnast. He's actually recently started giving her the middle finger. So it's, kind of started to escalate a little bit.
And I'm just, you know, we've, we've used some tools that I've heard from your podcast of like, try to be nice to him, just ignore him. And it seems like nothing's working. Yeah. He does enjoy hanging out with his little sister. So.
Yeah. So I, I mean, I think it's as simple as saying I, as your mom, my one job is to keep you safe. And it's about sitting down. And this is one of those eye level conversations because it takes the hierarchy away from a kid parent dynamic. And it just said, it signals to a kid's nervous system. I'm with you here.
Okay.
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Chapter 8: What is the importance of professional help in marriage?
Right. And that's where I was like, you know, am I making this like a huge thing or not? Cause like, I'm like, this seems very off.
Yes. It's not for kids to be, it's not off for kids to be curious.
Right. And that's what I was wondering if it was a curiosity thing, but it has escalated a lot. And it's like, okay, I don't mind teasing like you said, because kids do, I feel like they do need to learn how to handle bullies because they're, I still get bullied.
That's right. So do I. Yes. So do I. So that's life. Yes.
Yeah. I want to be able to teach them, especially we homeschool too. So like they, they don't have like the interaction at school. I mean, we do all this other stuff. So it's like, okay. I want them to get as much experience as they can, but I want them to know that they're safe at home.
Right. That's exactly right. And so it goes back to that. I'm going to keep you safe here.
Exactly. Okay.
And they're also, I'm going to try to say this in a not dorky way, but when I'm coming to bullying, I look for power hierarchies and kids who are trapped, right? So if a neighborhood kid says something mean to my kid in the same neighborhood, they're not trapped. My kid can leave, right? My kid can walk away. That kid, I can call their parents and they can make their kid go inside.
In a schoolyard, a child is trapped. They can't leave. And so they're constantly under this sense of threat. I'm gonna hit you after school. You're disgusting. You're gross. I'm telling everybody jokes at your expense.
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