The Progressive Liberal
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
It's like you don't even care about what you're saying. Can you hear me now?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
No, it's not. And it's no surprise, last election, people in swing states went for a guy who said things like, who's gonna pay for the wall? I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you. Trump honed his trademark oratorical style where else? In professional wrestling. And if Democrats were going to fight back, they needed someone who could go head to head with a WWE Hall of Famer like Trump.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
How hard is it to pretend to have these liberal values? Oh, I'm not pretending.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Shut up! But even if the crowd hates him, the progressive liberal could teach swing state Democrats some classic wrestling techniques for getting voters' attention.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Right. So, middle America would rather learn about politics through a mostly naked man than by reading a book. Yeah. But Dan assured me that besides wearing shirts, politicians and wrestlers had one key difference.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
So what you're saying is that the level of political discourse in wrestling is actually higher than in politics. Oh yeah. But with Congress immobilized by partisan politics, what advice did a progressive liberal have for Democrats? Let's say you're Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell puts you in a headlock. What do you do?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
And then the issue would be resolved. without a doubt. The progressive liberal had some great ideas for updating Democrats' messaging, but could he take on the heavyweight champ in the White House? Unfortunately, he was busy golfing, so we cast someone else to approximate Trump's rhetorical style. Shut up! Yeah! Introducing the Commander in Graves! Is it just me or is it getting cold in here?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Because there's a snowflake in the ring! I am not a snowflake! I am not a snowflake! Snowflake! Quit pandering! I'm not pandering, I'm one of them! My pandering was working! Time to take this to the next level. Do you know what this man wants? Let me guess what you wanna do with the guns in this country. Just let me guess. You wanna take them away.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Okay, that wasn't too hard to understand. And the audience was into it. Okay, fine, whatever about guns. Let me guess what you wanna do about marijuana.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
That is my position as the progressive liberal. Looks like broad brush talking points work, especially that marijuana one, Democrats. So maybe let wrestlers craft slogans for your next campaign, like lock guns up, or make America great us, or just 420 for 2020. But let's face it, what really turns on swing state crowds isn't words, it's action. I don't care about your positions, because you suck.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Wrestlemania
Middle America wants a strong hero who won't back down from a fight. So, Democrats, if you want to beat a wrestler president, keep it simple and go on the offensive. Fake news! Oh, fake news! Oh, it's fake news! Welcome to the future of American politics.