Tim Hanlon
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
All right, what's going on, y'all? I just learned something for the first time. I probably should have known this. Maybe you guys know this. Did you know that Muslims are sober? Yes. They don't drink at all. None of them. That freaked me out. Like, even, like, Muslim terrorists are stone sober. They're just drinking shots of milk, talking about death to America.
Like, Jesus, that's scarier than thinking if they were smashed. I don't know, man. Maybe they could use a glass of wine, you know, calm the nerves a little bit, you know? I got to talk for 60 seconds. I had two whiskeys back there. But if I had to do what they had to do, if I had to strap on a suicide vest, I'd start drinking the night before. I'd be hammered. I'd show up drunk.
They'd be like, Tim, it's 8 o'clock in the morning. I'd be like, well, it's 9-11 somewhere. All right, thanks, guys.
12 years, something like that, yeah.
I haven't known what year it is in a minute, bro. 15 years. Yeah, I don't own a clock. I just float around. You own a clock.
Right. How about a calendar? Probably since 2010.
It's better than most people would assume, man. I got a nice house. I do have two roommates. I got a comic and his girl.
But I got a nice house down in South Austin.
It's great. Yeah. It's awesome.
Here's the thing. Yeah. I used to have more. Every time I move, I just give clothes away. So there's some fly-looking bums in L.A. right now. I left L.A. and gave all my clothes away. And this is what I kept. Yeah. This is my... You don't like Johnny Cash, bro?
Yeah, you're wearing two shorts, bro. No, I haven't. Yeah.
I don't have a Hawaiian shirt on tonight. I'm sorry, bro.
I don't even know Muslims. I don't know if that's true or not. Is that true? Some guy that looked like him told me that, so I don't know.
That joke for right now? You only get a minute, dude. Yeah, exactly. I do longer sets and stuff, so most of my stuff is a little bit more developed, and I figure that's got a short.
But it's short. It's not like a story. I got to come up here. Of course. Did I make that?
Yeah. I mean, I stopped being scared of jokes a long time ago.
You know, I ain't here to offend.
I don't know. I thought it was a fun job.
In Texas, you're probably right. Black abortions. Jesus, right, man. The hardest thing I had ever talking about, especially like gun control, that's the worst thing. Don't say shit about guns. Yeah, that's the one thing. I won't say shit about guns. I learned that lesson.
No, I was on only in L.A. at the Belly Room, yeah.
Yep, that's the only time ever.
I used to sign up every fucking night for years, and I finally got on. Since you came out of here, I haven't really signed up too much, but thanks so much for the opportunity, man.