Tim Meadows

Before we move on, that's what you do? You invite world-class athletes and ask them silly questions about things you know nothing about, and they agree to it?

Yeah, I know. I fell for it, too. In August...

Oh, come on. Now you're just trolling me.

From NPR in WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows, filling in for Bill Curtis. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater in the Fine Arts Building in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

Well, no, that's not actually true. I absolutely listened to some of these when they were broadcast because sometimes the Uber driver refuses to change the station.

From NPR in WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz Show. I'm Tim Meadows, and I'm a little disappointed that this is what Bill Curtis meant when he invited me to be part of his Christmas vacation. And here's our host at the Studebaker Theater in the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.

I actually am Jay Pharoah. This is us. I'm doing the Tim Meadows impression right now.

I don't want a bill. I got slapped by the softest man in Hollywood. You gotta let us hear it, right? Not a freaking gun, okay? Okay?

I'm going to go with B. Sir, are you sure? You shouldn't be crying. Come on, this is a festive time. We're just answering questions. That's all.

Well, I look forward to regretting that I missed them the first time.

Oof, no wonder Bill didn't want to be here for this.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Tim Meadows, filling in for Bill Curtis. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater in the Fine Arts Building in downtown Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Tim. Thank you.

Well, I'm amazed at what they can do with deep fakes these days. It really sounded like you were really talking to Dionne Warwick.

So this week we heard about someone who has an odd demand for pretty much when they leave the house. Was it from Tom Papa, an opera singer, an Italian one who demands an absolutely tropical jungle-like environment in her dressing room to preserve her voice? From Joyelle Nicole Johnson, a wealthy couple from Pakistan who insists that whenever they go out, no one ever leaves.

Well, Daniel, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, you can see him at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas on December 21st and 22nd, and then at the La Jolla Comedy Store on December 27th through the 29th. It's Maz Jobrani.

display their oral cavity. Or from Maz Jobrani, a Swedish government minister who is so terrified of bananas that her own staff has to make sure that none will appear wherever she goes. Which of these is the real story of an unusual condition?

You're going to go with the Swedish minister afraid of bananas. That was from Maz Jobrani. Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to an expert on this area.

That was Professor Mark Sheffield, a neurobiologist at the University of Chicago, talking about the possible origins of the banana phobia suffered by the Norwegian minister. Congratulations, you got it right.

You picked Maz's story. He was telling the truth. That means he gets a point, but more to the point, you win our prize. The voice of anyone you might choose. Thank you very much. Thank you. Take care. And now the game where we ask famous people about obscure things. It's called Not My Job. HBO's Somebody Somewhere is not like their other shows.

There are no dragons or gangsters or billionaires, just a bunch of normal people trying to get by in Manhattan, Kansas. And it's become immensely popular because won't it be so cool when a dragon finally does show up? The two stars of the show, Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller, join us now. Bridget and Jeff, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

So let's start here. I just started watching the show, and I devoured a season or so, and I've been trying to explain what it is and why it's so popular.

Hey. How are you? Next, a comedian you can see New Year's Eve at the Burlington Comedy Store in Burlington, Vermont. It's Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Hey, Danny boy. How you doing? Fine. And a comedian who has a new Netflix special called Home Free. It's Tom Popup. Hello. Hello. So welcome to the show, Daniel. You are going to play the very first edition ever of Who's Tim this time.

Our show is all fart jokes. Really? I know. You and I have the same formula. Bridget, since you are from Manhattan, Kansas, and it is a show set in Manhattan, Kansas about a woman from Manhattan, Kansas, I'm assuming that everything we see in the show actually happened, right?

And, Jeff, I'm told that your character that you play is awfully close to your real-life experience. Is that the case?

And I know, Bridget, there are a lot of your friends from the New York scene in the show, including your own dog.

What's that? Is she there with you now in your home where we find you?

Perhaps a big bottle of Chardonnay. That's right. Was this whole show just a plot to get your dog into the union? It occurs to me, Bridget, that I don't know of any other major piece of entertainment set in Manhattan, Kansas, so you must be like a queen there, because you have done for Manhattan, Kansas, what, say, Game of Thrones did for King's Landing. You put it on the map. That's right.

I mean, it's not just like they had a day for you when you showed up. There is an actual day on the calendar every year? The kids get off school, oh, what are you doing for Bridget Everett Day?

So this is the third and last season of Somebody Somewhere, which is sad, but I think four episodes are out now. I did want to ask you this, though, because the show is, the characters you play are broadly similar to you. They have similar styles, maybe, and similar backgrounds. Would you both love to play someone next or soon who is nothing like you?

And if so, what kind of character would that be?

How about you, Jeff? Do you have any idea, like, if you said, oh, my God, somebody somewhere, what a huge hit. You can write your own ticket. You can play anything you want. What do you want to do?

I thought for a second you were kidding, but are you not kidding? Have you been playing a lot of serial killers? I have been playing a lot of serial killers. I imagine that's kind of a mixed blessing because you get steady work, right? Serial killers, always popular. But at the same time, what is it about you, you think, that makes them think, hmm, serial killer, psychopath, sex criminal.

All of a sudden, I have a premonition of what the big surprise climax of Somebody Somewhere is going to be. Well, Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller, this is really fun, and we... have asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling... Nobody Nowhere. So, obviously, since your show was called Somebody Somewhere, we thought we'd ask you about Nobody Nowhere.

That is three questions about places where it's hard to find anybody. Tim, who are Bridget and Jeff playing for?

Come on. Now, you guys, as we do this, you're allowed to argue. You're allowed to team up. You're allowed to play this however you want. Here we go. Here's your first question. The loneliest and most desolate place on Earth is Antarctica, an entire continent whose population never exceeds about 5,000 people. Despite that, one scientist who was there in December of 2013 managed to do what?

Tim Meadows filling in for Bill Curtis. He's going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you may choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go? Absolutely. Okay. Here is your first quote.

A, convince the band Coldplay to come there and do a show, naturally. B, match with someone on Tinder. Or C, organize the first ever Freezing Man Festival. I think it's C. You too, I think it's C. I'm so glad you feel that way. Wait a minute, so you're saying Freezing Man Festival. The audience is objective. I was going to pull the trigger, but the audience is shouting no, no, no.

Audience, what do you think it is? They always know. They think it's B. They think it's B. Okay, let's do B then.

Okay, let's go B. They don't always know, but they did this time. A scientist was sitting there and he was like, what the hell? And he turned on Tinder and he swiped right on this woman who was camping on the ice about 45 minutes away by helicopter. And they did meet up, but they say nothing came of it that time. So, as far as we know, the first Tinder hookup has not happened yet on Antarctica.

All right, here's your next question. Now, the loneliest place that anybody has ever been that we know of is the moon. Only 12 people have ever visited the moon. Now, the first astronaut to do it after Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was Pete Conrad. What were Pete Conrad's first words after stepping off the lunar lander onto the surface of the moon?

Was it A, one small step for a man, one giant step for mankind? Suck it, Neil. B, so where can I get a drink around here that's not recycled urine? Or C, whoopee! You're messing with us, right?

This guy sounds like a- I kind of am, but one of them is real. Well, he said one of those things as he stepped- Oh, this man is wild. I love him.

So you're going to go with two different answers. Bridget, you're going to take the recycled urine, and Jeff, whoopee! Yeah, we're diverging in two different woods. Jeff is the winner.

Whoopee! All right, Jeff has already won. He got two right. Let's see if Bridget can catch up. Your last question.

In a famous incident in 1993, a French man's car broke down far out in the Moroccan desert. And he was so far out, there was no way for him to get back. So to save his own life, he stripped down the car and he built a motorcycle from the parts and drove it back to civilization. And when he got there, what happened? A, his wife said, oh, were you gone?

B, he was ticketed for riding an illegal vehicle. Or C, at the celebration of his miraculous return, he died when a popped champagne cork punctured his head.

That was advice from the TSA for all the people who will be traveling next week with food for what?

All right, Bridget wants to go with he died ironically from the popped champagne cork. What do you think, Jeff? I think it's the ticket. You think he got a ticket?

Once again, Jeff is correct. Wow. So Tim, how did Bridget and Jeff do on our quiz?

It's never happened before. Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller are stars of Somebody Somewhere on HBO and Max. Season three is out now. Catch it. It is remarkable and heartwarming and funny. And every now and then, Bridget says something very dirty. Bridget and Jeff, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

In just a minute, a wine that could make a sommelier rethink every single one of their life choices in our listener limerick challenge game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

Thanksgiving, that's right. The TSA expects this to be the busiest Thanksgiving travel period on record as millions of Americans will journey back home looking for someone to fight with. And the general rule is, as you heard Tim say, solids can go in your carry-on onto the plane. Liquids have to be checked in luggage. This is for safety.

Yes, thank you, Tim. Thanks, everybody. In just a minute, Tim Meadows brings you our first ever listener Timmerick Challenge. Ooh. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Tom, this week a high tribunal in Britain ruled that calling someone what is a form of illegal harassment?

Can I have a hint? Sure.

So yes, according to a court in Great Britain, bald is now a formal offense. A man named Tony Finn, a longtime employee of the British Bung Company, sued after his supervisor called him a, quote, stupid bald C-word. And to be clear, being called a C-word, he's fine with. Totally fine. But bald was going too far. He sued.

And this week, a high tribunal ruled that using bald as an insult is sexual harassment because... Only men tend to be bald. So, again, all this is true. All three members of the tribunal that made this ruling were themselves bald.

Maz, last week, a group of fishermen working in their boat off the coast of Norway must have celebrated when they caught what in their net?

No. Give me a hand. Give me a hand. I'll give a hand. According to fishing regulations, they got to keep it, but they have to throw the missiles back because they're over the allowed size.

A nuclear submarine, yes. Specifically, they caught the USS Virginia, a 19,000-ton nuclear-powered attack submarine armed with cruise missiles. Although, of course, when they got back, the fishermen said it was really a 50,000-ton sub armed with ICBMs.

When the soup in your checked bag leaks, it can help put out the fire when the lithium battery in there explodes. Are you guys gonna be traveling?

This small fishing boat right lower to their net looking for one more haul before heading back into port and all of a sudden They found themselves being towed very fast out to sea right well down on the submarine They were all asking each other have we been down here too long, or am I really hearing the distant sounds of screaming in Norwegian You know your military is not good when a net catches you that's right I

From now on, all the submarines in the Sixth Fleet are going to be equipped with scissors. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can also see us most weeks at the Studebaker Theater right here in Chicago, Illinois. They love it.

You will, too. Thank you. And come see us on the road at Carnegie Hall in New York City on December 12th. Tickets at nprpresents.org. Also check out our sister podcast, How to Do Everything this week. How to handle it if your cousin comes to Thanksgiving dressed as a furry. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Virginia Beach, Virginia. I've been there. It's in Virginia. What do you do there?

You're an all-star cheerleading coach. You want to let us know that you are a very good one. Well, my kids are very good. Of course. I have noticed in my very limited exposure to cheerleading that it's gotten really athletic. Incredibly athletic. Does it ever get dangerous? Do you ever worry for your kids?

Absolutely not.

We have established that. Okay. Well, welcome to the show, Kristen. Tim Meadows, filling in for Bill Curtis, is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to go? I am. Here is your first limerick.

I don't know. Neither does anyone at this particular juncture. So, Tim, why don't we do that again? Okay. Here we go.

That's not an unreasonable guess. They grow... Tomatoes. Tomatoes, yeah. Okay. Pizza Hut is now selling tomato wine, a wine made from tomatoes infused with basil that is supposed to taste like pizza. It is a wine that experts describe as technically non-toxic.

It's not as good.

All right, here's your next limerick.

It is weird. It is a little strange to be flying to Thanksgiving dinner with food. I mean, like, first of all, why are you flying anywhere if you also have to cook? My rule is if I'm putting on an apron, you're getting on a plane, right?

Now we're cruising. That's right. According to a groundbreaking new geological study, at one point, God liked us, so he put a ring on us. 460 million years ago, the Earth was struck by a series of meteorites all along the equator, so scientists now hypothesize that the rocks were not just randomly striking the Earth, but instead dropping down from a ring around the Earth.

It's fascinating what we didn't know about the past. Now we know. Someday, far in the future, scientists will discover that the Earth used to have land.

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, Saturn's pretty sexy, right?

He's in an erotic reverie, ladies and gentlemen.

This is like church in here. This is awesome. According to a new survey, 41% of airline passengers say they want airlines to ban reclining seats on flights completely. Which means, of course, that the other 59% of passengers are monsters.

That's within a margin of error. Congratulations. You've set a record on our show. Well done. Thank you so much for playing, Kristen. Take care. Thank you, guys. Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye. You too. Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many Fill in the Blank questions as they can.

Each correct answer is worth two points. Tim, can you give us the scores?

So here we go. That means, Joelle, you are in second place behind the guys, so you're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, blank withdrew as Trump's pick for Attorney General.

On Monday, budget airline blank filed for bankruptcy. Ew, spirit. Yes, this week, Rafael Nadal officially retired from professional blank. Tennis. Right, tennis. On Thursday, the CDC confirmed the first U.S. case of the new strain of blank pox.

Yeah, mpox, as they call it. After dozens of monkeys escaped a research facility in South Carolina this week, reports now say that blank.

No, almost. That there are also feral emu on the loose in South Carolina.

Well... Okay.

This week, the daughters of civil rights leader Blank sued the CIA over his assassination.

I'll give it to you. On Wednesday, Lady Gaga and Post Malone were named as headliners of 2025's Blankella Festival. Coach? Coachella. This week, authorities in Argentina caught a man trying to swim smuggled cigarettes across the border from Paraguay disguised as Blank. Tarantulas. No, he was disguised as a giant aquatic plant.

Thank you, everybody.

The man had been swimming across the river that forms the border between Paraguay and Argentina with 200 packs of cigarettes covered with leaves and artificial plants, and authorities were like, wait a minute, plants don't usually have arms. Tim, how did Joyelle do on our quiz?

Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, President Biden authorized blank's use of American-supplied long-range missiles.

Right. On Monday, the Manhattan DA agreed to postpone blank's hush money sentencing. Trump's. Right. This week, the U.S. formally proposed a partial breakup of search giant blank. Google. Right. In order to avoid space debris, the blank was forced to adjust its orbit on Wednesday. The blank. The space station. Right.

This week, an art collector paid $6.5 million for a banana duct taped to a wall and then blanked. He ate it? Yes. What? Dozens of people were sick into this week after eating carrots contaminated with blank. E. coli. Right. For the first time, wildlife officials suggested that giraffes be added to the blank list. Endangered species. Right.

This week, a woman who was baffled at how her puppy escaped its crate every night set up a camera and discovered blank.

No. She discovered that her other dog was unlocking the crate and letting the puppy out as soon as the coast was clear. The woman caught her other dog on camera walking up to the puppy's crate and using his teeth and paws to unlock it. The woman has since gotten a more secure cage and is confident the puppy will not escape any longer. But why is that other dog bringing in a birthday cake?

It's not the puppy's birthday.

Yes. Here's the tough one, Tim. How many, then, does Tom Papa need to win? Seven to tie, eight to win. No.

Here we go, Tom. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for blank. Netanyahu. Netanyahu, right. On Tuesday, Donald Trump picked WWE's Linda McMahon as his secretary of blank. Education. Right. This week, Australia's government introduced a bill to limit kids under 16 from using blank. Social media. Right.

This week, MIT announced it would offer free blank for families earning less than $200,000 a year.

Well, free tuition. On Tuesday, private space company blank scrapped their latest booster catch attempt. SpaceX. Right. On Thursday, cryptocurrency blank hit an all-time high. Bitcoin. Right. Last week, a man in the UK who had his phone stolen by thieves was able to easily chase them down because blank.

No, because he happened to be four-time Olympic gold medalist runner Mo Farah.

Mo Farah, one of the greatest middle-distance runners who has ever lived, was out for a jog when the thieves snatched his phone, but I have a feeling they instantly regretted it after they heard the four-time Olympic champion mutter, finally.

Tim, did Tom Papa do well enough to win?

In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict after giant mattresses what will be the next innovation in sleep. But first, let me tell you all that. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeker, Right Side of Limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman.

Our tour manager is Shana Donald. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studio Baker Theatre. B.J. Liederman, composer and theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Grombos, and Lillian King. Special thanks to Blythe Robertson, Vinny Mbizuna, and Monica Hickey. Peter Gwynn is our...

turkey baster emma choi is our vibe curator technical directions from lorna white our cfo is colin miller our production manager is robert newhouse our senior producer is the enchilada and the executive producer wait wait don't tell me it's mr michael danforth now panel what would be the next big thing in sleep after big mattresses maz jobrani now that the beds are so big starbucks will build a store in your bed so you can have a cappuccino and then take a nappuccino

Do you actually have a turkey given all that?

Thanks also to Maz Jobrani, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, Tom Papa. Thanks to our fabulous audience who joined us here in Chicago at the Studebaker Theater. And thanks to all of you for listening wherever you might find yourself. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week. This is NPR.

We got 2,000 years of cuisine. I was about to say the turkey's still alive, but if you're not going to eat him, why not? Let him live. It's also, I should say, because of these rules, it's a great time to be a smuggler because if they find drugs in your body cavity search, you can just say it's stuffing.

Thank you so much. Later on, we're going to be talking to Bridget Everett and Jeff Hiller, the stars of the HBO show Somebody Somewhere. But first, I've got to say, what a thrill it is to be standing right next to legendary comedian and actor Tim Meadows. It's such a thrill to have you. Thank you. Big thrill for me, Tim. How does it feel for you to take on this job?

Yeah. All right, Daniel, here is your next quote. It is from Rolling Stone.

So Rolling Stone was talking about this latest popular contest craze that's spreading around the world. What kind of contest specifically? Sounds like lookalikes. Exactly right.

The hottest new pastime is celebrity lookalike contests. So recently we had a Timothee Chalamet lookalike contest in New York, a Jeremy Allen White contest in Chicago. People are just flocking to these things. Is it surprising? I don't know. People come running when they heard there's a park where a bunch of guys who look like Glenn Powell are hanging out. Hot.

So this all happens, all started just a month ago when some guy for just joke, I guess, threw a Timothee Chalamet contest, broad daylight, Washington Square Park, New York City. And a lot of people showed up who looked a lot like Timothee Chalamet and Timothee Chalamet showed up. Which was pretty cool, and that made it in the news.

That led to Jeremy Allen White contests here in Chicago and New York, and ones for Dev Patel and Harry Styles in London, as you heard. But all those fans were disappointed because just Timothee Chalamet showed up for those, too.

Wait a minute. Did you shout it three times? I absolutely did. Because that can conjure him. It did.

One of the side benefits of all these contests is it's amazing to see specifically what men think they look like. No, sir. I'm sorry. You don't look like Jeremy Allen White from The Bear. You just smoke cigarettes and your t-shirt is too small.

That was a headline of the Washington Post about the new trend of people wanting bigger and bigger what? Beds. Yes, beds. Very good. The Alaska King mattresses are really something at nine feet by nine feet. They're great for anyone who loves losing their wife. The bed is equivalent of, quote, two full-size beds jammed together, then you add 28 inches of length.

It's fun in a way that you could discover your spouse is cheating on you while you're in the same bed. And you catch them, and they feel terrible, and they're like, oh, sorry, we didn't think you could see us, what with the curvature of the earth.

Is it possible, Tom, that the reason they hated each other was because they had to fight for space in a tiny bed together? They were exhausted. Maybe if you get one of these Alaska Kings, you don't see your spouse for so long, you begin to miss them.

Alaska King AirPods. Yeah.

There you go. Congratulations, Daniel. Thanks for calling. Thank you. Take care. Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom, a man was stopped from boarding a flight in Lima, Peru last week when it was discovered that it's not that he had a pot belly, he had what?

If you'd like to enjoy your debut on our show, just give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi. Hi, who's this?

No, not filled with pot.

Not quite a baby. He wasn't kidding when he said he had a stomach bug.

Bed bugs? I'll give it to you. Insects. Hundreds of tarantulas, centipedes, and bullet ants. What? What? Who? Where? What flight? Airplane. Airport security were suspicious of a man with a, quote, extraordinarily swollen belly, so they gave him a pat-down and discovered he had bags of 450 insects taped to his abdomen.

So the man, when they sort of got everything out of the bags and examined it, he had 320 endangered tarantulas, 110 rare centipedes, and nine bullet ants. Bullet ants? Just a Ziploc bag? Yeah, pretty much.

Coming up, we grant your special request in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air or check out the pinned post on our Instagram page at WaitWaitNPR. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Camille from Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, how are things in Baltimore, the Queen City? I love it there. Thank you.

Hey, Daniel, what are you calling from?

And you can do that there being a lot of water available in Baltimore. Exactly, exactly. Well, welcome to the show, Camille. You're going to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Tim, what is Camille's topic? No brown M&Ms. So we all love hearing about those fun tour riders, whether it's Van Halen's no brown M&Ms or Tim Meadows' Peter Sagal do not look me in the eye.

Austin, Texas. We were just talking, ironically, a moment ago before the show about Austin, Texas, which a place many of us have been and all of us love. And I actually have a question for you that came up. Have you been able to keep Austin weird? I guess. You guess? He doesn't sound very convinced.

This week, we heard about a VIP who made a very unusual demand. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the real one, and you'll win the weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I'm so ready. Okay, well, so are we. First, let's hear from Tom Papa.

An Italian diva and her contract demands a tropical environment complete with monkeys backstage. Your next story of ridiculous requests comes from Joyelle Nicole Johnson.

A very wealthy couple. Insists that they never see the mouths of anyone ever around them. Your last story of a peculiar plea comes from Maz Jobrani.