Tommy Tickles
Appearances
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It's the return of Tommy Tickles, everybody. They say that opposites attract. If opposites really did attract, then my wife really... Wouldn't have a penis. I'm always broke, looking for new ways to make money. Last week I took an ad out in the back of a men's magazine offering $50 blowjobs. Now I just gotta get my wife on board. I've written several books. Nine different ways to skin a cat.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You gotta skin it if you're gonna eat it. I've been married 13 years. And the next book I wrote, I dedicated to my wife. 101 Ways to Kill Your Wife. That book was quickly followed by a sequel, 101 Things to Do in Prison.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Other side of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours away.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Look at me. If anybody needs to borrow your body, my Instagram account is TommyTickles2025. Okay.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Tommy Tickles. If your pet's not dead yet, I'll knock 50 bucks off if you let me kill it. Wow.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I'm ready for more Tommy Tickles. Ranker.com recently... Hold on, wait, wait, wait.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You're about to find out. Oh, okay. Go ahead, Tom. Ranker.com just listed, ranked its top comedians of all time. Ron White was ranked at number 14. Joe Rogan came in at number 89. Tony Hinchcliffe comes in his pants every time he sees Ron White and Joe Rogan.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Piece of shit. You're a very good looking guy. Some might say you're easy on the eyes. Yeah, emerald eyes. Because there's no eyes in the word. Because there's no eyes in the word.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
All right. You also have a very nasal voice. Uh-oh. When you get stuck in traffic, they call it nasal congestion.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I love it. How many guns do you have, Tommy? I don't count. A lot of them were inherited, you know, like passed down. Uh-huh. So we just have, you know, guns for just doing what guns are supposed to be used for, you know. Yeah. What do you use the guns for? Yeah. If you need your pet killed, you go to Tommy Tickles 2025. Are you out there killing pets? When's the last time you killed a pet?
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
No, I don't kill pets. Do you have any pets? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of pets do you have? I've got a boxer dog, great white Pyrenees. We've got llamas.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
If they ganged up on them, he could. But normally, the best thing about a llama is the scent that they put off. So it kind of smells like a horse or a mule, and coyotes don't like that either. So just having them around protects the babies from even other critters like raccoons and foxes.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
It looks like a circus. There's just a mass of chickens, and we bottle baby a lot of animals that come in from other ranches. If they have a problem, they can bring it to us. We've got a few tricks to where we can keep the babies alive. Right now, my wife's bottle feeding 19 different little baby goats and sheep.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
And now they think that they are your best friend. And they kind of think that they're human and my wife is about the same way. She treats them way better than she treats me.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I know. All right, well, what is it? Chevy Silverado 2500. Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, because you use it for shit, right? Yeah, yeah.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I do my stand-up set in front of... I mean, the animals. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. No, I'm... Hold on. You're doing stand-up to the goats? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No shit. You're doing kid-friendly stand-up on the TikTok? My goat ate my homework, really. It ate half my notes one day. Really? Some really good jokes. What's that goat's name? Clownface. Clownface. Clownface. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
This guy's adorable. I would watch your reality show. Oh, yeah. No, it's a circus. It's worth watching if I ever get around to it. Sure.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
You and Red Band remind me of IHOP's signature dish. Rooty-tooty, fresh and fruity. Okay.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
I have watched your roasts on YouTube, and there's nothing that I could say that would come close to how good you know you do your roasts, but you're also kind of evil, so I don't really feel bad about it.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
Okay, give us a little bit of that. What do you mean by that exactly? Sometimes I don't know if she's gonna cut me or fuck me.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
She said something one day, and we were sitting in the truck. And I said, oh, you want to drive? And I threw the keys in her direction, and it accidentally hit her. And she got out of the truck, and she started running away. And I was like, oh, shit, I better catch her. So I was going to catch her, but she kept on running further and further away. And it's real soft dirt out there or whatever.
KILL TONY
#718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON
So I had to tackle her. She keyed my truck. And then it was better after that, you know?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, I'm doing van life, ladies and gentlemen. And it's going pretty good. But one downside is... Sometimes you get woken up by the police. And that's unfortunate, you know. And it went kind of like this. Knock, knock. Who's there? It's the police. It's the police who? What are you, homeless? Ty wakes me up. Well, you had to knock, didn't you?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
That's my one defense in not being homeless, ladies and gentlemen. I'm a high-functioning homeless. Got a gym membership. I mean, what do you want from me, people?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Where? Well, I'm actually a little rusty. I've only been hitting a couple mics here and there sparingly. I started a new job. What's the new job? I'm doing a door guy thing, so I'm just making the adjustment.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
On 6th Street here. It's a bar. I'm just letting people in.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, sorry, sorry. You're a bouncer? Huh? You're a bouncer? I don't really have to do that part. I work day shift on purpose.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, just a regular old hole-in-the-wall bar, you know? Right.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
It's just that it's very mundane. It's just the same homeless people over and over again. And that gets a little depressing, to be honest. I wish I weren't brought up working. Having a job sucks. Okay.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Well, Ohio, Illinois, Wisconsin a little bit, which... Were things going better for you there? I got a warrant there.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Well folks, to get a little personal, I suffer from extreme ED. European depiction.