Unnamed
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
What's up, everybody? World's fastest dates, all right? I'm coming to Charleston, South Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Strasburg, PA, Hoboken, Indianapolis, Buffalo, and a bunch of other dates. You can get them at Mark Gagnon Live. I'm bringing you my debut tour, one hour of stand-up comedy, no more, no less. I'll see you guys at the show. Suck his dick. Yo, what happened to your hand, by the way?
Hell yeah, Garrett.
I know. I didn't whoop you, I spanked you.
Yeah, yeah.
How long have you been faithful?
This is different.
It's a different relationship. That's nice. That was a big reason for the original divorce, though. Like, we just stopped being intimate. Yeah, we stopped being intimate. You guys stopped having sex? Oh, I think the last... Six years, three times.
You know what I mean?
The Ravens were not going to get him. So when I act like all 32 teams, I go... Really, we all knew it was five or six teams. It was the Giants, the Saints, the Titans. They went and got Cam. Wars, they were out. Right. Literally every round, you were looking at four teams.
To be fair, only one of them stopped having sex. So when I was on your podcast, that was deep in the six.
Right, right, right, right. You know what I mean? You're not sleeping with your wife. Were you trying, though? Were you trying? No. You weren't even trying. She wasn't either, though. Neither of us. We went through COVID and just never touched. Oh, no. It was like, we're watching Walking Dead and All-American.
That was COVID. I was watching All-American like it was a real team. Yeah. I was like, yo, how's he going to leave Beverly High for Compton?
Yeah, we've been, what, it's been five years since we separated?
When you file for divorce, you want to... This happens a lot when you want... When you got houses in two different states... So we had a house in Ohio and a house in California. So I filed for divorce in Ohio. Reason being, obviously, financially, usually it's better in Ohio. But we were registered voters in Ohio. We pay taxes in Ohio.
But the real reason is because if you divorce in California, you're fucked. That too, but we can't file in California because if it goes down there, then they're going to come after us for tax evasion and voter fraud. So I didn't do it out of just California. I was like, no, we are registered voters.
Before we built the house in California, I asked my accountant, I go, I don't want to pay California taxes. Can I get a house in California? He goes, why don't you spend less than half the year there? I'm on the road every year. So I'm on the road half the year. I was like, no problem. And you got to keep a residency somewhere else. Boom. Ohio. So even if you looked, it was funny.
If you looked at our neighborhood in California, all the license plates was Nevada, Arizona.
Everybody was doing the same shit. So that's really why I filed in Ohio. And then as soon as I tried to do the somewhat respectable thing, I said, hey, I'm not happy. I want a divorce. And I said, so there's a knock on the door. Just so you know, it's probably a process server.
That's when she's like, she went left. I was like, oh, this ain't going to be good because I heard the door knocking. The guy was knocking and she wouldn't answer. I go, I think the door's knocking. She goes, eh, it's probably Amazon. I go, fuck.
oh she knows like she's she's about to do something and so she didn't answer the door and then like two days later the tmz shit came out where she filed in la against me and now i was like wait we don't live in la we lived in the bay and so that started off a like three month cat and mouse game of avoiding a process server i went to my boy's house in west virginia I was off the grid.
I mean, it was... You were hiding at the comedy clubs? Comedy clubs? I would stay in the hotels. I'd be under Mohammed Shabazz. They wouldn't look for me, but then they'd call Wynn because I'm ordering bacon for breakfast. It's a hurrah. Literally, the group service guy's like, that is a Muslim. I don't need that turkey shit. So I was at the Four Seasons in Baltimore for two weeks.
I never left my room. And then I would go to the shows, and then they'd pick me up, like, underneath the hotel. And it was like, we'd drive over. And my opener was at this other hotel under my name. So we was hoping to, like, mislead them, you know? And then... Let me see. They almost got me in Colorado Springs. So I had my normal opener. And he's a bulldog. But he didn't go with me.
And I said, I got a bad feeling about next week, man. You're not with me. And we weren't in Colorado Springs five minutes. I'm crossing the road. I'm getting to the club like two hours early. And this guy goes, hey, Gary. And I looked and I saw him pulling the paper out of his back. And I turned into Ricky from Boys in the Hood.
And he started chasing me, and he threw the— Because if it touches you, it's on, right?
Yeah.
He threw it. Then hit me, right? And one of my guys—I had two guys with me, and they both got fired after this weekend because I told him, I said, your one job is to not let him come. The dude walked right between them. Just right between them. I don't want you to fight nobody, but stop them. And then the one guy started looking at the paper as I go, don't fucking touch that.
Cause if they touch it, I could be served. So I'm, then I go in the dressing room and now I'm turning into a Cuba Gooding. Yeah.
You know what this money's going to cost me?
And it did. It was six figures. I'm not going to say how much. For jurisdiction. Just going to court and I had to hire a lawyer in California to fight it. Fight jurisdiction. That was just, it was just a big waste of time. But ultimately. We got in Ohio. And we settled. We got her.
She only got her at a Panera Bread in Antioch, California. And it was crazy how it happened. I had hired a process server, and I said, 24-7 surveillance on the house. And they just said, she doesn't come out. She's not leaving. I go, I got a feeling this service company ain't got 24-7 on the house. Then they hit me with a huge bill.
And I go, well, I'm not going to pay you until you get her served. I hired a process server out of Cincinnati. Me and her flew into town and we had her within an hour. We flew from Cincinnati to Sacramento because he said, don't fly into Oakland or San Fran because if somebody sees you, they could tip her off here in town. We flew into Sacramento, got her in a car.
We were driving through my neighborhood. Right before we got to my neighborhood, there was a grocery store. I looked to my left. I swear to God, I saw our SUV. I was like, that looks like ours. And then... We went to the house. She wasn't there. I still had the garage door opener. So the garage came up and the car wasn't there. I go, let's go back to the grocery store. It was her.
Well, I'm also thinking next year is supposed to be quarterback heavy. So do you want to bring him in? Now you know you're not going to win. I'm like, you know what? Let's hold off. Get this D lineman.
She was pulling out. We followed her for about 15 miles on the highway and she pulled into a Panera bread and she went through the drive-thru. She got stuck. And that's where we got her. The lady came out and I had to get on the other side and film it. So she never saw me. She was so focused on the driver's side. I'm right there, like, filming the whole thing. And then I got back in the car.
I was like, we freaking got her. We freaking got her. And then she goes, you got to get out of here because you can still get served today. So I had to immediately go to the Oakland airport, and I just walked in. I'm literally walking down. Southwest had a flight. I was like, get me out of here. I just was walking. I would have been on spirit that day. Anybody got a flight out?
I didn't care where we went. I had to get out of California.
Oh, yeah. That's been over two and a half, three years. Talking at all? Not like that. No. No, no, no. But my son's talking to me. Yes! I was hesitant to ask because I know that was something. No, no, he's good now.
Oh, good.
He's been out to see the twins. No way. Yeah. Oh, okay. That makes me happy. Yeah, he's doing good.
Was that stressful when you were following her on the highway? Were you nervous?
No, here's what's funny. So I'm, the processor was driving, and she goes, you got to get in the back seat. She might see you. It was freaking, it's like it was a bulldog. So now I'm in the back. I don't think she sees me. She goes, get down. Get down. I don't know where we're at. I'm just looking up. She goes, I think she sees us. I think she sees us.
And what's that thing? If you have two quarterbacks, you have no quarterbacks. Yeah, and the Browns got five.
I go, she ain't looking in the back for this Nissan Rogue. We came to a stop. She goes, all right, I need you to get up. Get your phone out. I didn't even know where we was at. I just got up and I was like, oh, we're at Panera. And boom.
So I was laying down. No disguise or anything? I would have done like a mustache or something, right?
No, but if she... That was too much. That was too much. You got to catch up. It's funny. When you go through this for four months, though, you're always looking like, how is this going to end? Because I remember when I was in West Virginia, I'd be walking around like, how does this end? Do they get me? Do I get her?
Yeah.
And then it was funny because I'm in West Virginia for a couple of weeks at one point and I just was having like Stockholm syndrome. I got to do something. So I went through an Orange Theory, you know, in like Huntington, West Virginia, Orange Theory. I was in the best shape. I'll put it like that. You know what I mean?
But he's got a shot. He's in a perfect situation now.
I just remember the lady saw my ID, and then she—I'm trying to keep a low profile. I'm thinking I'm good at this, aren't you? The whole time she goes, you know, we're a guy like this in California. California, I like that.
I was like, why the fuck are you keep saying my name?
I'm trying to have a low profile. She looked like Olivia Newton-John mixed with John Travolta. She looked real rough.
I'm sure she didn't have a boyfriend.
The way you describe it, it almost sounds fun. I'll be honest. Like the process of it?
I kind of want to do this with my girl.
Yeah. It was an adventure. It sounds like a Mr. Beast video.
You know what I'm saying? Whoever gets served first loses. It is wild, though. And I will say, like... It was very like a male bonding experience because every guy that had been through a divorce reached out, like in my business. Anthony Anderson reached out. Kevin reached out. Shaq reached out. I feel like I'm name-dropping, but they had all been through messy divorces.
Now he can only exceed expectations. And they're building a new stadium. If he comes in balls, they're going to be in a dome next year. Oh, wow.
And one of them said, I don't know if it was Shaq or Anthony, because when you go through it, you're thinking, I'm about to be broke. Can you hear all these horror stories? I'm going to be working the rest of my life for somebody else. And then one of them said... They said, look, if you get a chance to settle, settle. Your talent won't allow you to go broke.
And I was like, that was very profound. I was like, oh.
Oh, we have some other stuff I didn't find out about until later, too. What? The IRS was coming, baby. Oh, no. I had no idea. For her. For her. We're married.
He's going to be comfy.
I was like, oh, I didn't know this was happening.
that's what scared me more than anything yeah i was like well i gotta work for the irs and her were women upset at you during this whole thing because it was public and i imagine a lot of them had went through similar things no i think internet women but real life women so at the shows they were sympathetic to you best thing ever heard was i had gone like a week and a half two weeks i'm just reading the internet i'm holed up at that four seasons in baltimore terrifying
Yeah, he's going to be. That's what he keeps saying. He's in the cold. No, he's not. Yeah. He's got no weather to worry about after next year. That's great.
My first show out the box. I'm on stage about 45 minutes in and laying in the back goes, I love you little cheating ass. I was like, man, you don't know how bad I had to hear that. That was the only time I was nervous walking on stage in probably about 15, 20 years.
Yeah.
So I'm thinking like, or you're going to see the dudes sympathetic and the women are like, no, it was, I was like, Oh, the internet is not real. Why? Why do you think that was? You're literally by yourself and you don't know who to trust. She's finding shit out. I'm like, how is she finding this out? There was some shit she found out that only two or three people knew. You got a mole, bro.
So after the divorce came out, then they got in touch and he started giving her all this shit. Was she paying him to do it or he was just doing it off the strength of I hate you? I don't know. But you can find him at a coffee shop. You know what I mean? I still follow him just to see where his life is. How's that? Damn. How's that Gregory's coffee at 3 p.m. on a Sunday brunch show? Bitch.
You said in a special that after it got out to TMZ that the DMs were crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know. I guess. It was a lot of people shooting their shot. And it was all over the place.
Nah, I was having fun when I was married. Okay.
I'm just being honest. It was very compartmentalized.
DM him.
Like, who is this fine ass girl? She's like touching his shoulder. I'm like, Gary, what the fuck did you just, you made me a liar. Why are you going to make me fake? You can lie, but don't make me a liar. Here comes the sweat.
Bro, like, no heads up, nothing. Like, I'm supposed to know.
Like, we all cheaters. Not bad, bro. I should have gave you a heads up. Not even a text message. Oh, man. She's doing good now. That was his assistant.
Ass assistant. Yeah, that's fine.
I remember that too.
I was like, well. Was there any part of you that was like, I should probably just let Schultz know I'm a piece of shit? No part of you at all?
You should have went on the pivot.
You're at that place where you I've heard it and I didn't believe it. You almost want to get caught. Yeah. So you get a little reckless.
And, you know, that was I think that was like 2019. That was early.
So I want to date it. Well, the shit hit the fan in 2021 for me early. So I never believed it. But I look at my behavior and I was like, yeah, I wanted to get caught. I wasn't PDA and I wasn't out there at parties bringing people, but I wasn't hiding it either.
I'm also curious, is there an OG comic thing? I feel like comics that were on the road in the 80s, 90s, because it was before social media, there was a little bit of a dual life that a lot of comics would do that you can't really do now.
I don't think it's just comics. I think it's entertainers.
Period. But specifically like...
You get on the road in the beginning and you're getting attention, you're tapped in socially, and you've never had that before. And you're just like, oh, I don't even have to talk to girls. They're talking to me. Yeah.
Yeah, but also the best experience. Yeah, I don't want to be the hypocrite. No, you're not.
That's what I'm wondering. Think about it. It's very similar to stand-up. Like, why do the guys that sell the most tickets, people, like, they shit on? Like, as many people shit on Kevin. And if you know Kevin, he's, like, literally one of the nicest guys on the planet.
You're going, why is that?
What are you talking about? Tim Couch won the Heisman at Nebraska. They drafted him and said, you've got to switch positions. Because he sucked.
It's also, like, you talk about Shannon, you're going to, like, definitely clip it up. You're going to get numbers. I wonder if the guy, especially in that genre, like, you know, Stephen A. wants to comment on, you know, I don't know. The Pope dying is not going to get the numbers of the Shannon Sharpe scandal.
It was crazy how the show was sports-based, but the comedians get the biggest numbers. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He wrote the check to the hooker. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. When I was growing up, everything we went, it was Jerry Springer everywhere. When I grew up in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer was our mayor. And George Clooney's dad was Channel 9 News. He was a newscaster. Six o'clock news. Oh, shit. So I was like this, dude, who knew? Who knew? And then Carmen Electra was the big booty chick. No, Carmen Electra was the big booty chick with the bad teeth.
They used to dance at this place called Caddy's on Sunday, Teenage Night Club. Prince came in town. Scooped it. She was gone. And then like six months later, she's in a Prince video and her teeth were fixed. I go, oh shit. She got her teeth fixed. Everybody knew her. She had the body. Do you have your real teeth?
these are yeah these aren't the first two but the rest are yeah everybody got veneers now huh this well this got knocked out in fifth grade oh no so this is fake damn what happened last day of school extra recess you're cheating on your girlfriend we ain't got enough equity in this relationship I'll tell you what, it didn't hold open, right? I got you me serving chai soon. Give me that mash hour.
No. They said, we got extra recess later this school. I went hauling ass like, yeah. You know those doors, the gym doors? I didn't know it was locked. No.
And I had Bump teeth. They were like this. I did the joke. I used to go to Catholic church and the priest never messed with me. And then I found out he was messing with all the little boys. And I was like, dang, he never fucked with me once. I'm not letting that mouth hit my shit.
i'm a very proponent of black quarterbacks okay they come to see me you know what i mean the white ones i've been seeing some white people at your shows recently bro yeah it's starting to happen i've been seeing some fucking white people at your shows and gays i saw that clip with the gays dude i did a i did this gay guy sat in the front no the moment there was like five of them well that's
But once he lost the teeth, then it was like, that was an open goal.
That too flew out.
That's what I was getting to. There was a gay guy that sat in the front in Ontario. And we got it. The stars aligned. It was perfect. He laughed at every joke. He was open to everything. He had, like, my boyfriend tastes better shirt or something like that. Posted that. It did great on the internet. And then I come to Houston, and now there's a line of gay guys. Like, yeah, we saw the video.
And it was a time where Def Jam was gone, Comic View was gone, there was a lull. The internet wasn't what it is now, so people were like, where do we find stand-up? So the Shaq show comes in. The Shaq shit blew Kevin out the water, basically, right? And even though Cedric was on it, D-Ray was on it, Aresphere was on it, but Kev was the one that really benefited the most off that.
And so I was like... I remember I opened up for Mike in Houston. Mike Epps in Houston. And he goes, after the show, they go, hey, we're filming this thing Friday. This is like Saturday. Can you come in? And I go, what is it? And they go, we're doing this DVD. It's going to be released and all the best buys and all that stuff. And I go, all right. And I go, well, how much?
And he was like, well, it's $2,500. That's it. There's no back end. There's no hotel. There's no flight. Wow. I was in Columbia, South Carolina. I canceled it. And all they said was, is Jeff Klanger going to be there? Because he was running Code Black. I think he runs Kevin's shit now. So I was like, is he going to be there? And they go, if you promise me he watches my set. I'm in. I'm in.
They go, we got you. I get there on a Friday.
people don't know that there was 10 acts they only aired like five of them oh wow five got cut and so we're backstage and everybody's like arguing over who's gonna go last and i go i'll go last and i remember i looked like i'll last i knew that's a great i knew i had and i never did the black church joke yet which kind of like the black and white church i go yeah
I've been doing it at clubs, but it hasn't been aired. It was like bringing the house down. Like one of my strongest probably jokes ever. So you have something in your pocket right there. And the Tiger Woods shit just happened. Where his wife beat him. I had a fucking strong Tiger. I said, if nothing else, they only want me to do 10, 15 minutes. I think I ended up doing 20 because I went last.
I knew I had like eight. that was just going to bring the roof down in the beginning and end. So you could package it. Boom.
It was, it was, it was nine comics doing dick pussy jokes. And then I came from a different angle.
Church. You know?
And with, What set the whole set off was Morris Chestnut was in the front row. So I walked out, I see Morris Chestnut, and I go, hey. I go, oh, literally, I go, Morris. And I go, hey, you guys ever watch Boys in the Hood and think Ricky's going to live? And I said, I get so mad at you. Every time I watch it, I go, you die every time. Just so I'm like, stop eating the Twinkie, bro.
Look out.
You passed the test. You're going to the Army. Yeah.
So resets the whole room. Dude.
You're live in the moment.
Right there. Right, right, right, right. And so Clannigan saw me. And then they sent me to Japan first. He wasn't familiar. So the Shaq was doing the tour. Yeah. So they was like, yo, they want to send you to Japan first to do a show. And I go, so I went to Japan. I think it was me, Mark Curry, Lunel, a couple other people.
And then I guess the word got back. No, he's solid. He's got it. Because he only saw 20 minutes.
So then they put me on that Shaq tour of 2011, and then they said, we're going to give you a special. We've got to deal with Showtime. Okay, on the Shaq tour, who is your group that's going? It was D-Ray. Michael Blackson, Corey Holcomb, me, and Capone. Where are you going up in the show? Right for Corey. Corey closed it. D-Ray hosted it.
I was like, oh, shit, this might be the audience. I didn't even know. So the whole time... so they love s's white people showing up to your shows gay showing up to your shows this is crazy you're like 20 something years into how many years
And then Michael Blackson and Capone flip-flopped half the tour. One would go first, one would go second. And then I would go fourth, and then Corey would close it. Yeah, strong.
Great show.
Yeah. Yeah. It was. It was a solid show.
Great show.
And all of us kind of did our own thing after we ended. And then... So they gave me this special. So I'm in Vegas. I mean, we stopped filming Think Like a Man like two weeks before I'm filming this. It's at the Mandalay Bay. And I just remember I'm on stage. It's sold out. But there's literally in the front... Two empty rows.
Mandalay Bay, the big theater there? I'm like, why? This is so weird. Why aren't they filling this in? I don't know. Floyd has called and said, I'm coming. I don't care if there's a special. Floyd's the champ at this point.
He's bringing a billion dollars every single time he does a fight. I'm on stage, and I see... 30, 40 minutes in, and a commotion happens. It's like, there's like all these people just, I thought a fight happened. Like, what's going on? And then it starts coming towards me, and I'm going, what the fuck is happening? You know, Floyd's a little guy.
He's in the middle of all these big bodyguards, and I'm going, what's going on? And then I see Floyd, oh, Floyd! And then I just start talking to him and his entourage for about 15 minutes, and then they kept like five of it in the special. That's great. That's all you need. That's great. Completely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. True, true, true.
And that's the first time I met Floyd. That's the crazy part. Oh, I thought that he told you he was coming. No. They told me he's coming, but they didn't tell me he's going to come in the middle of my set. The promoters are like, yo, we got the call. Floyd's coming. Yeah. I was like, oh, there it is. Look at all them people. Did you see it?
Metal is special.
And they're all in the front. It is a nightmare, but it's also an amazing look. Oh, yeah. To have Floyd Mayweather coast on you. If you're watching this at home and you're like, oh, who's this Gary Owens guy, you know? And then all of a sudden they see Floyd walk in and sit down. You're like, oh, shit. Why'd you throw the S on there?
That's what they're thinking. But then just have Floyd sit down and start laughing.
People don't know. Right on the other side, Winky Wright was there. Oh, wow.
Winky was there, and then Floyd came in, too. In the moment, did you know, oh, this is going to play amazing? Or were you a little... No. You're just kind of going with it. Okay.
You're just kind of winging it. Were you roasting him at all? I told him about the Grand Rapids. I said, I'd appreciate you bringing all the Grand Rapids. Oh, my God. I said, if you're in Grand Rapids right now, commit some crimes. There's no store owners. There's no police officers. Does he have a good sense of humor?
Here's the good thing about Floyd. I'll tell you this. If I'm in Vegas and he's in town, there's no phone calls made. He always comes and he buys tickets as far as I know. I don't get the phone call saying, Floyd's coming. Can you leave tickets? Wow. He's there.
I know for a fact when I did SLS, he bought them because I was on a door deal and we put the show together on like three weeks notice and it was not sold out. So when I got the ticket counts, I go... We had a hell of a walk-up.
And then I was like, oh, there's Floyd again coming through the club. Did he talk to you after this? Yeah, he came backstage. That's where we met. And what was the vibe backstage?
He was real quiet. He was real quiet. Can I get a picture? That was pretty much it.
But he's been cool ever since.
In other words. Oh, well, then we said, think like a man to the next year in Vegas. And that's where I got to know him because he asked me to come by. They were going to go out one night and he asked me to come by the house. Like, all right. Me being the white guy, I literally showed up.
at the time he told me to come and nobody there bro like it's me and me and two of my boys like why are we here so early floyd was getting a massage bro he was on the massage table and he's like it was just how you think of floyd mayweather for the first reason the girl's just massaging shit and he's like hey what's up g i go hey how you doing yeah he says hey it's me west shit right here me west shit yeah he says
I'm like this. What is happening right now? Then he got a haircut. Then he gets the haircut. I'm like, we're way too early. But here's the best part.
This is a pretty woman moment. We're there, and then it gets crowded. Then an hour later, it's crowded. And then everybody's going to the Palms to go to some nightclub, and Floyd doesn't drink. So people think he's out partying. He might be out, but he ain't partying. It's all water. And I'm not exaggerating.
Ten limos pull up and people just start getting in the limos and we're all going to this nightclub. And we get in a limo with like me and my boys just having a limo with like three girls that just jumped in and barely spoke English. So now we're sitting there and they're they're not talking to us. They're not trying to entertain us. And we're trying to be nice. Yeah. And then nothing.
We get to the party. We can't get in. It's too crowded. One, it was like a Saturday. It was Vegas already, and then Floyd's coming with 150 people. We're not getting it, even though we're with Floyd. I said, let's go to another spot. So the girls, we looked at it and said, you want to go with us? And they were like, no. And it was very apparent, no, we're not.
We're going to fight our way, and we will eventually get to Floyd tonight, right? Monday, we're on set at Think Like a Man 2. They're extras.
We had a pool scene, and they hired these pretty girls to be around the pool. I look at them and go, oh, shit. You know I walked by. How you doing? I'm going to my trailer, where it's cooler than this studio, where I can sweat in private.
When I started in San Diego, I was doing two different circuits. I had the black circuit, and then I had the mainstream circuit. The mainstream was Bobby Lee, Darren Carter. I remember Bobby Lee.
The party started. We used to sit.
Yeah, me and Bobby Lee used to sit at Denny's and he'd always have the notebook and he's writing, writing, writing. I don't believe that.
He was the first one out of the open mic crew at the comedy store that got the break, so to speak. Pauly came. Pauly Shore came down. His mom was with Mitzi. And all of a sudden, Bobby went to Vegas with Pauly. He came back down. And we're waiting. Like, what's it like? What's it like? And then Bobby goes, he tells this whole fucking lie I found out 20 years later. He goes, oh, my God, dude.
I was with Pauly. And then afterwards, Mitzi says she's going to make me a paid regular at the comedy store. He goes, and then I met these two girls. And we went back to my room. And they handcuffed me to my bed. And they robbed me. He goes, I go. What? So he said they tied him up and he was naked and the clean ladies had to let him go. The clean ladies came in the next day and got him.
I believe this story for 20 years. Then I went on a tiger belly and told me it was a lie. I go, you motherfucker. He had us at Denny's. I put the Grand Slam down, bro. So the girls, they just fuck you like that?
They just fuck you like that.
That's what I was thinking. Like, oh my God, I got to really, I got to get on the road. I got to get on the road. And then, but on the black side, it was Nick Cannon. He was doing all the roads because Nick was in a rap group called Bomb Squad. Okay. And so I didn't. That describes his comedy career perfectly. Jesus Christ.
He's a good guy. He's put a lot of people on.
No, no, no, no, no. Well, got to buy their tickets sooner. Why do you buy the vamps?
So Nick, Nick was in a rap group and I remember magic Johnson had the talk show called the magic hour. Yes. And they, the magic people saw me at the comedy store one night and he went back to magic and said, I just saw the funniest white guy on the planet. Magic Johnson said that.
So Magic came to see me the next week. Fat Tuesday, people don't realize, Fat Tuesday put so many people on back in the day. Tuesday night, Guy Torrey's spot. Like, people were getting discovered out of place.
They changed it. Originally it was Fat Tuesday. That's where Jamie Foxx saw me and got me an audition for Held Up. I was there and Aries, my...
say that didn't happen i was there i saw the set that got aries mad tv because they were there the the fox people was there oh wow the execs yeah so um i saw leslie jones go up when chris rock saw her and ripped that night i was like i'm you look back you're like i was there for some like historical moments the set that aries gets mad tv yeah what i mean just i remember the joke that killed it he had a michael jackson joke where he was in a wheelchair and he said what if
I know why. That should happen to me, too.
Michael Jackson in a wheelchair and he does the whole, he imitates him so good and he flips over, acting like he turned the chair this way and this way, but he's still performing. I'm fucking up the joke. Sure, sure, sure. But that's the joke that he closed with every night. Every time he did a show, he was going to close with it.
with that yeah killed he's wildly talented like yeah yeah he's wildly talented yeah his imitations unbelievable yeah so nick i'm literally i'm i'm doing i got i'm at my uh apartment i'm dubbing vhs tapes like to try to give the magic's people because i got nothing i don't have any i don't have any clips yeah not on tv yet yeah yeah
It's like bad audio, bad video, and I'm trying to clip this five-minute set to give to Magic's people. Yeah. And Nick shows up with his manager at the time. His name was Samir Toma. I remember Sam. And then Nick goes, what are you doing? I go, Magic Johnson saw me, bro. I said, I might get on his talk show, and I'm all fired up. And Nick goes, man... I should do stand-up. And I go, you should.
Yeah, you should. And then the next week, we had this place called Mr. O's on Wednesday night. It was a big urban black comedy night. And Nick went up there and did nothing but comic view jokes. And I go, Nick, you can't do that.
He goes, yeah, I saw it last night. It was funny. No, no, no, no, no, no. He just didn't know. It wasn't like he was out and out stealing. He did not know. I said, no, no. You got to do your own jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then... Less than a year later, we went up to Oakland for the Bay Area Black Comedy Competition, and Nick had like a solid six, and that's all you got.
And he was clean, he was young, good-looking dude, and that's when the All That people saw him. He either got the semifinals or the finals. And then, you know, kind of warm up.
I had a TV deal with Quincy Jones and it was like the, it was like the best six months of just sitting back, listen to like an historian tell stories about Frank Sinatra. Yeah.
Orson Welles, Billy Holiday. He was there.
And he's not lying. Yeah. Yeah. And we had a TV show that didn't go anywhere. It didn't go. Oh my God. I remember we went into ABC office and we're waiting in the lobby to go in and pitch this TV show. And Quincy starts talking about strip clubs in France. Yeah. And that was the conversation. He goes, yeah. And then usually when they say, all right, you guys want to come back?
Usually most people stop the conversation and now we're in the pitch a TV show mode. No, no, no, no, no. Quincy's still telling me the story as we walk into the room. Both execs at ABC are gay as shit. And I'm going, and then Quincy literally, he's ignoring them. He goes, yeah, it's all right. The friends, it's different. They like the jazz. The girls strip the jazz.
And then he goes, he goes, you guys ever been to strip clubs in France? They were like, No. Oh, I love this. And then he was like, I go, we're not getting this show. We pitched that show to this nothing. Usually when execs say no, it's a day or so. I wasn't at my car. My manager already calling, yeah, they're passing. I go, big shock. That means we left. They go, we're done.
I knew it was over with the minute he said you're a ministry club friend. What year is this? 2000. 2000, so your leg went.
First road gig I ever got was the comic strip in El Paso. And they paid me 500 bucks, and I had to get there. And it was like Wednesday through Sunday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was in the Navy. So I drove... From San Diego to El Paso.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would you're you. MSG would have been sweating bullets. I heard a rumor and I don't know if that's true, but maybe DL can, uh, DL Hughley can confirm it one day, but when he got the Hughleys, yeah, it really crossed him over in the mainstream. And I,
Wow.
And it was the easiest drive ever because I was like, oh, shit. Because this is the time you had to mail your headshot in, send a VHS tape, fax over a fake resume that I made up. I had nothing. I remember I said I opened up for Jim Carrey for a cancer benefit. Completely wrong.
was a lie dude you know what i mean and then so i get to el paso and it said they got a comic condo thing where all three comics are in the same thing i took the big bedroom not knowing the headliners coming do that headliner show he goes bruh get out i was like oh shit sorry so i'm going the other room i didn't have a lot of money so this is how i survived i went to the grocery store i got um
Cocoa puffs and a gallon of milk. That's breakfast for the week. Arby's had the $2 beef and cheddars. So that was lunch. And then you eat at the comedy club and you bring it back for your late night food. I was like, dude, I was $20 in food. I came back to the good. I remember thinking, oh my God, how did these comedy clubs make money?
How do you pay me to go and have a business there? That's crazy. There was four fours, $4,000 and $400 for travel. I was like, what? $4,000 for a flight? Yeah. Holy shit, bro.
The guy... When I first started in L.A., it was open mic and it was Pablo Francisco. Just destroyed. Oh, my God. I'd seen him do the Latino night, the white night, the black night, and he was the only guy that killed in all of them. Impressions, right? The movie voice, right? The movie voice to Arnold Schwarzenegger at the time where he was like little tortilla boy.
And it was the same bit and I still waited to see it.
Eddie was so amazing about Eddie. He was like 21. Yeah. He was a kid. In the one special, we end it with the burger. The burger joke, how his mom made the burger with the peppers in it. I go, that's your closer? Look back on that. You're like, usually the closer is kind of raw, rugged, something. My mom's putting peppers in a burger. I'm like...
Yeah, I didn't headline. I didn't have the traditional feature for people because I was in the Navy when I started. I was on BET and in the Navy at the same time. Wow. So how it happened was... I was starting to do stand-up. I knew that's what I wanted to do. I was going up like six days a week. There were the karaoke night at a place called El Torito. I would go up and not sing. I do jokes.
It got to the point where people knew to get quiet when I walked up because they go, oh, this is the funny dude. He's about to tell some jokes. No way. The first couple weeks... It was rough because they were paying attention, but I just wanted to get on stage and I didn't know where to go. So I go, wait, if they got a microphone, they got a little stage, I'll just start telling jokes.
And then it got to the point where literally the host of the karaoke, all right, y'all, you know he's here. It was like that type of vibe. And karaoke is very the same people every week. So it really helped me because I had to kind of do new shit every week too. So it was kind of a dope thing. But... I'm driving in my truck and they say, we're looking for the funniest black comedian in San Diego.
The rumor was he would tell the comedy clubs, this show don't sell in advance because they were all white people buying so far in advance. He goes like the late show Saturday. We're not putting that on sale yet. That was the rumor I heard.
So I called in and I didn't say I was black or I wasn't black. I put a little bass in my voice. What's up? This is the contest. I want to enter that shit. What's your name? Gary? So I entered and I won. That's actually where I met Nick.
His manager got him on there. And that first place got you an audition for Comic View. So I auditioned for Comic View. I got on. I'm still in the Navy. So they used to film the whole season in a week. It was Monday through Friday. They either did three or five episodes a day. And it was a contest. You just kept moving on. So I just kept moving on every day. I took a week's leave.
I won my rounds, so I got an hour special. So I had been on stand-up less than a year, and I had this hour special. Wow. And I wish they would replay it, because I know it's got to be brutal. Because you only had to do 44 minutes with commercials. And it was so slow in pace, because I didn't have 44. You had 24 minutes. I waited until every last hour. And then I started talking.
It had to be silent. I was so paced.
Like, yeah.
That clock just was moving so slow. I was like, holy shit. I got two jokes. I've got 28. So they called me. They called me like six months later. And Curtis Gadsden was the head of BET at the time. He goes, Curtis Gadsden wants to meet with you. I drive back up to LA. And he goes, yeah, we want to make you the host. And I went, what? So they want me to make me the host to come with you.
I'm still in the Navy. Wow. So BET doesn't know I'm in the Navy. Obviously, the Navy doesn't know I'm doing stand-up. But it was the funniest thing because I don't have cable. And so I don't know I'm airing. So I'm on the base waving cards on the base. And a brother would be like, oh, fuck it. was you on TV last night? Yeah, yeah. Have a good day, man.
So I'm like, wait a minute, am I on fucking TV? And then I would go out to like, you know, Burger King or something. And so I'm like, was you on TV? I had no idea I was airing. And I was like, I'm getting stopped.
Yeah, for real.
Yeah.
I went from like... Never been on the road to being asked a headline immediately. So I didn't have the grind of featuring for somebody. Yeah.
You ask 100 comics, they're going to give you 100 different stories. Yeah. You know? I just, um, I had to get out of the Navy. I couldn't go on the road.
Did any of them know, like any of your close Navy friends know that you were doing standup like on the side?
Yeah. I mean, that's how I got to do all the quote unquote black rooms. I'd be telling people like on the base, like I'm going to do standup and the black guys be like, you can go here or you can go here. A lot of white comics didn't want to go there because it wasn't a bad area. But I was like, I just want to tell jokes.
Did it cause any tension once it premiered and once it aired and everyone knew?
BET?
With the Navy. With your superiors or whatever.
You can't be doing TV. Dude, good thing I had black chiefs, black bosses that were watching it. These motherfuckers looked out. They loved it. Yo, when I tell you the last three months... I wasn't showing up for work. Oh, wow. All they said was, you show up Monday morning. Yeah. Don't get nothing pierced. Keep your hair cut.
What they did is they put me on a part of the base where I was supposed to be grading papers, basically. It was a guy they were running. I don't know. It was some guys that weren't. I was a cop in the Navy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was like guys that were trying to be temporary police officers for their command. You would be a cop. Oh, yeah. No, Andrew, I let everybody go.
I was the best guy. Dude, when I say let everybody go, everybody goes. This is why we lost the war on terror. I would have been the peacemaker. But they had me, like, in some part of the base that I only had to report this one old dude, and he knew what the deal was. So I'd see him Monday morning. I'd check in, and I'd be like, I'm out. And that was the last three months. Wow.
And then I remember the paperwork came in, like, you're out.
Yeah. This is a good cause, but the government subsidized a good one. You know what I mean?
Like, I'm down with that. But then the paperwork came in that kind of hurt a little bit because I was still getting paid. So then the paperwork came in like, yeah, you're out. I'm like, fuck. Like you got dishonorably discharged? Not dishonorably. I was honorable. Okay. It was just my time. And then I was like, fuck. I remember it was in January. I was like, damn, I ain't got that.
check coming in every two weeks. So now I'm in LA trying to make it. And you know what I mean? Like, but I wasn't, I wasn't broke or anything. That's why I don't have the whole, I didn't want my next meal was coming from. I didn't, I went to LA even I wasn't in the hole and I didn't have any money. So when you're single with no kids, you don't need a lot. You know what I mean?
Even my, my first roommate in LA, he, uh, We had no living room furniture, so if you was to break into our apartment, you'd have been like, nobody lives here. I had my bedroom. He had his bedroom. I ain't buying a couch for you. I'm buying a TV for you.
Crazy part of my first year in L.A., I ended up moving in with this big, big drug dealer. And I didn't know. He was like the dude in L.A. And he had a roommate? Yeah. He had a fucking mansion in Bel Air. He wanted me to house sit. He needed a white guy. I found out later to be the face of the neighborhood because we had these parties and the cops would get called.
I'm the one going up to the end of the driveway because you had to walk to get to the house. You couldn't see it from the street. So if cops show up, he'd always be like, yo, G. They're at the gate. You had no idea something was up?
You don't. I'm from Ohio. I get to L.A. I'm showing up now at these L.A. parties, and I'm seeing houses I've never been in before. So I don't know. In L.A., everything's kind of fake it till you make it type deal. So I don't know. I really was naive. I thought he threw parties. I thought he was a bodyguard. And I don't know what anything runs. I don't know what these houses run for.
That's completely out of my wheelhouse. You're trying to bring her back.
So I'm kind of clueless. You were a terrible cop.
So he literally—I don't know. You know, that's still my dude. He's in prison now. I still go visit him.
Really?
He's still my guy. He got life. I don't think he's getting out. I hope he does, but I'm not going to say what he did because I want him to get out. I think we can guess. But that's still my dog, man. But I just remember— I came home one time and I had never seen that many drugs in a house.
Like I walked in and there was just like the weed, the blocks was up to my calf and it filled, it would fill this whole studio. And I go on and then like five SUVs pulled down the driveway, these Suburbans and these These brothers look like they was off the grid. They didn't smile. They didn't say hello. They opened the door and just started loading the shit up in the back of these SUVs.
I've said it numerous times. I ain't had white pussy since white pussy had me.
And I had one of my buddies, one of my buddies was there and he goes, is this weed? My boy goes, yeah, what do you mean? He goes, you want some? He was like, I can have some of this? He goes, if you want some, take some. He went like this, tried to take a pinch. The motherfucker goes, motherfucker, if you don't get it, get it. I saw the glow from the last dragon. So then he does the dumb shit.
He goes, yo, I got some boys, man. I got some boys out by some weed. He goes, give my number. And then it ended up going bad because he's like, yo, your boys are bullshitting, man. Don't send them by my way if they bullshitting. He like snapped on my boy because he tried to be like, if you guys are going to buy some shit, this is like another level. Like they were running the shit like crazy.
I don't want to give everything away, but they were running through different states.
Wait, you haven't had a little... One, 1996. No. That's where I was born. Met her at TGI Fridays. That's crazy, dude.
I literally told him, I said, bro, I'm a comedian. I can't be around this shit. What'd he say? I get it. And then shout out to my ex-wife. She calmed him down because there was a point he got a little angry. Wait, what happened? Um... I'm going to leave that off the air.
People love the letter S. What is that? People go to the restaurant, can I get some shrimps? Yeah.
But he got a little angry and she had to go have lunch with him and calm him down. Be like, you know, Gary loves you. Like, he would never do anything to you.
We're cool.
He knows I have nothing to do with me.
But I'll tell you a cool story. So I just started headlining, and we're still living together. And I come home, and there's two girls in my room, right? We had like a four-bedroom in the house. And then there's two girls in my room, and I'm going... I walked in. I go, what the fuck? So I go to his room. I go, yo, there's two girls over here.
He goes, oh, shit, I thought you was getting back tomorrow. He's my bad, bro. I get him out. So the girl's like, oh, we're so sorry. He got out of the room. And he tells me, he goes, yeah, these are some of my girls from Vegas, man. I was looking out for them this week. They were like drop-dead gorgeous. They looked like they were made in a lab, right? They were hookers that he brought to L.A.
Whoever you are, you ruined everything.
to, they were like going to the Palisades and everything. And he's the one that would drive them, sit outside, make sure they got their money. I'm sure he was getting broke off a little bit too, right? Pimping is what we would call it.
It was off Highway 8 in San Diego.
Could be.
Why are you bringing that up?
I remember it. It was bad back then.
They leave my room, and I'm going, first I was pissed. I go, no flus. in my room, but I can't be pissed because I'm scared of my roommate. I can't be mad. So it's this internal... And then I look at my room, I go, our room's really fucking clean. And I was like, they washed my clothes. I was like, everything... I opened my drawer, I go, this shit is folded beautifully.
It was bad. No, no, no, no, no. It must have been bad if you never went back. No, she was a white girl that only liked black dudes. And she kind of picked up on that. And we both said, we're just going to try.
To be in my room, it never smelled that good. Like, all my shit was pressed. I was like this, oh! That wasn't a bad deal, them being in my room. Then he goes, yo, G, I mean, they here. Like, if I want to do something, I was like, no, I'm good. Like, if they would have called me when I was on that podcast with you and Charlamagne, it would have been over. I was too, like, freaking out.
Like, no, no, I'm good. I'd never seen a guy... pull pussy like him, though.
I'm going to tell you off the air some of the women and you won't believe me. Oh, really? Yeah. Famous girls. Just at the house. Say one name we bleeped. Nope. But, like, I got the movie held up. Halle Berry. Why I was living with him. No. No. Why I was living with him, I got the movie held up. Oh, shit. I said no.
But you said no kind of, yeah. Make me feel good. Make me feel good. Andrew. No. No.
Probably not. No, anyways. Yeah, yeah. So I'm leaving the next day to go shoot Held Up. So he goes, he goes, he goes, yo, my boys come and pick up. This one, everybody had the Lincoln Navigators. He goes, I said, no, they're going to have a car service. He goes, oh, fuck off. You ain't going to your first movie in a fucking sedan, he said. He goes, no, I got my boy coming.
We're going to take you right. Like in The Navigator. How do you even connect with this guy? Where does he? He used to always be at the comedy clubs. And how I started hanging out with him. It was Thanksgiving. This was before cell phones. I was doing all the black rooms in LA. So Tuesday night was the Comedy Store. Monday night was the Improv. Sunday night was Laugh Factory.
She tried to introduce you to what happens. We both made a consensus decision. You know what? Bucket list, check. It's like a gay and lesbian hooking up to see. Just to try. I didn't realize that didn't sound good.
It's Monday night at the Improv. Mo' Better.
D-Ray wasn't hosting them. D-Ray wasn't even on the scene back then. This was like 98. So I'm out front. Everybody's hanging out in the shit clothes. And he goes, Yo, G, what you doing with Thanksgiving? I go, nothing. Just coming by the house. All right, what's the address? There's four cell phones, too. Yeah. Writes the address down. Thursday comes.
Motherfucking Gary shows up in Compton to his mom's house.
And I knocked on the door. The motherfucking answer door goes, you came? I was like, you invited me. On time? He just kept, like, staring at me. I was like, what the fuck are you staring at? He goes, yo, I never had no white boy in my house. I go, my boys wouldn't believe there's a white boy in my house right now. My mama's house? He was literally tripping that I showed up.
You're like a celebrity. And I knew to hang with the women. Don't hang in the backyard with the dudes. Wait, why? Don't play domino. If you went with the women, you good.
What's the... Because if they vouch for you, we like him.
I was putting cheese in the macaroni cheese. I was in that bitch. This fucking crushes pumpkin. I think I started crying when I ate it. Thank you so much. This is so flavorful. But I got in good.
That's what started the relationship. I showed up and then he hired me I thought he hired me to go to Utah to host this thing for Brian Russell. This is when the jazz had Karl Malone, John Stockton. So Brian Russell was playing for the jazz at the time. So he was real cool with Brian, right? They knew each other from San Bernardino back in the day. So they said, yo, I'll never forget.
They go, Casey and JoJo and Rolls Royce, we got a concert Brian's doing. Will you host it? I said, yeah. So they fly me out to Salt Lake. I go there. It's funny. Casey and JoJo doesn't show up. I just remember it was like a junior college gym and it's packed, but it was all fucking Samoan looking people. And I was like, oh, this ain't my audience. And I hadn't really been on TV at all.
So I'm a no name about to go up. Casey didn't show up. They, they just like, they lied. They said they missed the flight. And then Brian goes, all right, I'm going to try to a private. Where are you at? And they were, and they were lying. They just weren't going to show up. And so the, the, the concert got canceled. Yeah. But it really got me in with like Brian Russell, my roommate.
Cause they were close. And then I remember went to the game the next night against Portland. Hold on. What happens with the show? They just, everybody left. It's just shows canceled. That was it. I stayed backstage the whole time. And they still paid me. I showed up. I mean, wow. That's got to be embarrassing for a guy like that. Yeah, he was hot. He was hot. He was like, no show.
They're not coming. Their band was there. Casey didn't show up. The band was there. The Rolls Royce was the open act. They were there. I was there. The only two people that didn't show up was Casey and JoJo. So everybody's prepared to do the show. Yeah. And then they bail. And then they was like, we missed the flight.
I don't know. But I think they weren't expecting Brian to be like, yo, I'm about to send a private. Yeah. No, they were like. And then he pulled it. Yeah. Yeah. They pulled their trump card, so to speak. So that's what got me.
A little bit of both. A little bit of both. It was like, even when I was in the Navy, we go out, I was staying in San Diego, and we go out to Pacific Beach. It's all beach bars, white people. There'd be one black girl, and at the end of the night, my boys would be like, how does this happen every night? I'd just be in the corner. I don't know why. I don't know. Just they like me. I like them.
cool with them and then um we just uh we just became friends after that and then he asked me to house sit he said yo i'm about to leave town for a couple months man can you house sit and i was like well let me see the house i'm in this fucking two-bedroom rundown apartment in north hollywood off lancashire i went to this house i'm like what the fuck indoor pool on the inside and outside like it was just the most beautiful home with nothing in it by the way
No, there's no pictures, no TV, no refrigerator. There's nothing in this bitch. Yeah. His door had a padlock on it. You couldn't get in his room. Yeah. And then, um, I just remember, uh, I see, I got, I got to sit here. And then I asked him, I said, can I put pictures of me up on the wall? Cause I don't give a fuck what you do.
Motherfucker, I was bringing girls back there. They thought it was my shit. Yeah.
I said, what are you doing? I'm a comedian, man. That's when comedians had TV deals? Yeah, yeah.
ABC, CBS, Telemundo.
I'm big. I'm big in Germany, baby. I got steak sauce in that bitch. So you were living good while you were in L.A., even though it's the beginning of your career. I can honestly say my first year in L.A., the 98 year, I got to be with Jamie Foxx. I got to roll with Jamie. I'm going to keep that shit off the air. Uh, cause you know, Jamie, man, Jamie can go like parties. Why?
Jamie's parties are legendary. Yeah. So I'm hanging out with Jamie. I got the big ass house in Bel Air. The people think it's mine, that it's not. I go, I'll just put like this. I lived. what everyone thinks the Hollywood life should be for one year. And that was enough. I'd be dead if I kept that going. Yeah, I'd be dead. Fuck. We had some parties. We had a July 4th party in 98. Kobe showed up.
Nobody knew. He just got done with his rookie year, right? My buddy from San Diego's there, and he fucked it up, the intro, because they go, yo, Kobe's here. And I was like, oh, there was a lot of other celebs there too, right? You know, Kobe was like a... I don't know. He's like, he just didn't go out. Yeah. So for him to show up, it was a day party. Yeah.
I remember my buddy, keep in mind, everybody's acting like it's my house because he don't want anybody to know it's his. So when everybody comes, I'm getting introduced to everybody. So I'm like, hey, Kobe's here. I go out to say hi to Kobe. My fucking buddy is like with an earshot and he keeps walking around. He goes, Kobe Bryant. I came with Kobe Bryant here. Jelly Bean, son.
Kobe, Kobe Bryant. I was like, dude, shut the fuck up. But he's standing there. He goes, Kobe, baby. Kobe's here.
K to the O to the B to the E. And you can tell Kobe's like shaking my hand. We're going, what the fuck is this weirdo? But he just kept walking around us. Like, what are you doing? I pulled him aside and go, what the fuck are you doing, bro? He goes, man, that's fucking Kobe Bryant, bro. That's Kobe Bryant.
He was probably there less than an hour. Wow. But he came, hung out, had some handler bodyguard with him. He was real cool, though. Yeah. Real, real cool. But there was like... At that time, I bet you half the NFL was at that party. Holy shit. It was a... That party was so epic. Yeah. I would be at like a Gold's Gym in Pasadena and somebody would be like, yo, you have another party?
So we just went with it.
I'm a white guy doing all the black shit. Yeah. So I was the only one really doing it. So you were very recognizable. Early 20s. I'm at that age where you're going out and all that stuff. So it was, I don't, that was one of the funnest years of my life. I really got to live the LA experience for one year.
Really? No A-listers. Well, you know, a couple classmates from a different world. I don't mean regulars. I mean one episode.
If I hear this shit one more time. Oh, so the myth ain't true.
Okay. When you move out, is it a reality check? Well, I had to go. That was when the shit was hitting the fan, bro.
Like, I'm seeing shit I shouldn't see.
But, no. This all happened, like... Over the course of six, seven months. So in that six, seven months, I got the hosting job on BET. Ah. So I'm on TV now.
No, I don't think it was like that. I was like. I just... I ended up moving in with my ex. And she had a nice little... It was the complete opposite. It went from party, party, party. Now I'm living in a nice townhouse in Glendale. Right, right. And so it's very quiet now. You know what I mean? So it was... You know, it was an easy transition. Wow.
Did you ever have interaction with Kobe after that party? Nope. One and only. Wow.
My boy fucked that all up.
I still blame him to this day. I was like, dude, what the fuck?
He thought that was my house.
I'll never forget his fucking cheesy ass. I can call it out. Scott King, motherfucker, from Dayton, Ohio. God damn it, Scott.
Let's go, Gary.
And every time the cops came, were you able to smooth it over? Every time. There was never a moment where it was like.
So they're like, it's none of these black people. And, you know, they're hearing music and we're partying. We never had late night parties. It was always, July 4th was like noon to 7.
Ah, smart.
And then we weeded everybody out. And then we let maybe like 30 people stay late. And it was always good odds. It was 10 dudes and like 20 girls.
I've never heard of that. There is a story I can share. The same night, the July 4th party. Afterwards, we're in a jacuzzi, and there's like 10 people in the jacuzzi, and we're all just kind of sitting. I'm still young in the game, and I'm just soaking everything in like a sponge. We had a sauna, and this guy started fucking this girl in the sauna. So everyone's just talking.
Let's say we're talking about the Lakers or the Clippers or something, and all I see is this girl's ass cheek. and the steam, and he's just pounding it, and he's got her up, and nobody's acknowledging it. I'm going, are we not going to talk about the bitch getting fucked? I don't care that Karl Malone punked Shaq in the playoffs.
This dude is fucking a girl right here. So the whole time we're talking, I'm going like this.
It never got acknowledged. And then they just came out like, how y'all doing? It's like, oh, L.A.
Oh, I don't doubt anything after the first year I saw.
I saw a minor version.
None of that. That first year was the most I'd seen probably in my life to this day. Okay. Honestly, it was the age I was at. It was the time, that time in L.A. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it was just the stars aligned, so to speak. Like, everything was happening. I got to host a job on Comic View. I'm a white guy on a black show.
I get a movie with Jamie Foxx, which is huge at that time, right?
No, I'm actually, I'm probably a little more apprehensive. I'm not really a talker. Oh. It makes me uncomfortable when Because Gary is not the best name in the bedroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gino. Are you beating this pussy up, Gary? I don't believe you. There's certain names, like Rodney sounds like he can put some shit down. Rodney, boy.
Held Up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We shot up in Canada, so I was kind of... Jamie was feeling me out, like, is Gary cool or not? You know what I mean? So it was just, honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. It was great. Wow. And the thing is, I'm still cool with the dude. After it all hit the fan, I still go back. Man, I visit that dude, and I visit him, and... San Quentin in Folsom.
He's somewhere else now. I'm probably going to go see him in a couple weeks when I'm up in the Bay. You know what I mean? That's still my guy. He didn't ever do me wrong.
And I literally told him, like, when I had to move out, I go, dude, I can't be around this shit, bro. I mean, I'm seeing... I'm not seeing, like... I'm not seeing anybody rob anybody. I'm not seeing anybody overdose, but I'm going, Jesus, a lot. The one story that I was like, oh, this is different. It used to be the Key Club in L.A. Yeah. So, and the Century Club was Sunday night in L.A. Okay.
The Century Club is a better story. The promoter for the Century Club at the time, I don't know who he was. I'd always go there with my guy, right? We always got in. We always walked in. Nobody stopped us, right? One night I went out by myself and I told him, I said, bro, I'm going to go with the Century Club. He goes, all right. I'm just going to chill the house. All right. So I go.
The promoter wouldn't let me in. So I'm sitting. I was like, all right. And he literally asked. He goes, yo. Where's the boy? I was like, oh, he didn't come. And he was like, all right. And just let me stand out there and go, oh, so I just got my truck and drove back home. So I'm home like an hour late. He goes, I thought you was going to San Diego. I go, yeah, your boy wouldn't let me in.
He goes, I'll handle it. That's all he said, right? That July 4th party, right? He goes, gee, come here. I said, what? He's got the dude in the closet at the house. Holy shit. So he opens the closet and the dude's there and he goes, hey, tell me what the fuck happened. And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, did you go to Century Club?
that?
That fucking promoter goes, that's all it was? Misunderstanding? Misunderstanding? I was like, wait a minute. Why is this motherfucker in the closet? And he's like, this? Hold on. I was like, well, this is some different shit. You know what I mean? Don't ever stop my boy. Right?
We went to the Key Club one time on Sunset.
So we went to the Key Club one night in L.A., and we usually just walked in. And this one big, big old red-headed white bouncer grabbed him by the arm. I like how you let people know when someone's white. Yeah.
Most white people just, they never say the color of skin if it's a white person. But you're around so few white people that you have to point it out? Yeah, red-headed white dude. You know who you are?
That's so funny. We would have got it with redheads.
He grabbed him by the arm. He did nothing wrong. If it's your first day at the nightclub, you're supposed to stop people from walking in. Yeah. motherfucker he grabbed him and he was like all of a sudden he freaked out like he goes he goes he looked at him and he was going to his car and i was like oh shit is he about to grab something yeah you know yeah so i'm following him down sunset
I'm going, bro, bro, it ain't that serious. No, fuck that shit. Everybody stopping me, bitch. I was like, oh, look what's about to happen, right? We come back. The promoter for the King Club of the Night is now following him. He goes, bro, he ain't know. He ain't know. And then he goes, him or me. The motherfucker went back and goes, you're fired. Wow. Fired the bouncer.
This was a real dude. No, no, this motherfucker was no joke, bro. I'm giving you like the PG version.
I'm not saying his name for a reason. I don't want to say his name. I don't want to know anything. That's my dog.
Off air, I'll pull him up. I'll show you. And he was a big dude, too. He was like 6'7".
When I got locked up, I go, yeah, it was a good move. It was a good move getting out of there.
I was purposely not asking questions. And I think that's why he hung out with me. I never asked a fucking word, bro. So it's just like, yo, let's have fun. We're hanging out. But I will say... I never paid for a drink. I never had no problem getting into clubs. And if anybody will watch this and be like, Gary bullshitting, if you know who I'm talking about, the motherfuckers know.
If you grew up with a Rodney, at some point you will get this phone call as an adult, Iggy, hear what happened to Rodney?
It falls apart.
It falls apart at 17, 18. Rodney's a beast. He was a beast of a fullback.
But do you feel pressure as the great white hope? You're representing all of us, bro. If you're in someone's first time with a white guy.
I think in LA, it just got me into rooms. Like people was like, you know what I mean? Do you know, um, Scroncho? Yeah. Okay. Scroncho knows who I'm talking about.
Yeah.
Scroncho like was running the same group with him, right? Scroncho one night accused me of stealing one of his jokes. Have you seen my act and Scroncho's act? Okay. It's literally like, like Bill Maher said, I'm trying to steal politically incorrect. Yeah. Yeah. So Scroncho was being cool. Scroncho was not being an asshole.
We're outside the improv and he was like, yo, gee, my boy said you took something. I go, what? Here's what they said I took. Scroncho... Used to bring somebody on stage or something for a bit. And then one night I'm messing around. I brought somebody on stage. But it wasn't planned. You're just kind of riffing it. And Sconcho knew. And this is not indictment on Sconcho. He was cool as fuck.
We was outside. We're talking. But his boys was like, motherfucker, he stole your shit. They're hyping him up. They're like hyping him up to hit me. Right. I go back. Scratcho can go, too.
I go back and tell my guy. I say, yo, fucking Scratcho and his boys, man. He goes, huh? I'll handle it. Oh, Jesus.
We see Scruncho. I'll handle it.
We see Scruncho. Next Tuesday, we see him at the comedy store. Scruncho pulls me aside. My boy sees Scruncho and the same dudes. He pulls him aside and tells Scruncho, hey, somebody said Gary stole your shit? And Scrunch was like, nah, he was misunderstanding. Motherfucker said this. And, you know, it ain't like that. He goes, all right. And he looked at his boys.
He was like, he looked at the boy. He goes, you never speak to him again. And he got to say, Gary, you say to me. And they was like, all right, all right.
I was like, what the fuck?
That's crazy. You know, he was like, don't you ever speak to him again. Whatever you say to him, you say to me.
You're welcome. you're welcome yep and then after that they probably never did it again so they went two times yeah yeah it's probably happened yeah but you don't care no it's funny like there's a couple once you go away you give it one more night there's a couple what's crazy a couple exes from my past and then was this while you were married
When you guys were hanging, just the two of you, were you making him laugh? Were you cracking him up? Yeah. He was silly when it was just y'all.
I'm trying to wake him up and not get shot. No! No! I'm yelling his name. He goes, what the fuck you doing? I was like, you got a fucking gun in your hand. I want you to wake up and fucking it goes off.
And then he looks at me like, well, look at the safety. But I don't know. Not around that world. Like, yo, my guy.
Were you ever like careful making jokes around him? Because I'm sure with everyone, you're like ribbing people, you know, roasting, whatever.
I never roasted him.
Were you intentional about it? Like, oh, I don't want to cross a line with this guy. Yeah.
Not intentional. I just didn't feel the need.
Yeah.
You know, I didn't feel the need.
Yeah. Why are you so comfortable in that kind of environment? Like growing up in Ohio?
You don't know any better.
You're naive.
I just got to L.A., bro. He's like really taking care of me as far as like. You know, I'm getting into spots. I'm in the mix. You know, he had money, so I was never paying for shit.
It seemed like it, yeah. But I was like, what is going on right now? You know what I mean? I still have no idea what would happen that night. Fuck.
No, I think people got this misconception that I got on BET and I was just selling out everywhere. That didn't happen for me.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't have a lot of those stories. Interesting.
I don't have the, because I was, I just, I got the job on BET. I was headlining. And I wasn't that great, but I was selling a decent amount of tickets that I always got put on the ensemble shows at theaters.
You're doing those types of things. And I was always like, I've never had to worry about the club not bringing me back.
I don't think I... I swear I never thought about that. I don't think I have any super close... You got on kind of quickly. And you're by yourself. Yeah. You got your openers.
Can you bring up that clip? No, no, no. We've got to bring up this clip.
You're by yourself. Like I said, when I met him, I was like, I always see you on the flyers coming. Yeah, yeah. Or you just left. He's coming or leaving. That's usually how you get to know people. They're coming or going. But I don't have any... People I call all the time, stand-up-wise. I'm trying to think. No. I mean, I still... I probably talk to Joe Coy a lot. Interesting. He's great.
You know, he was around in the beginning. Yeah. We met... I think we met... We really met at the University of Alabama one night. Had a college show together. And he still brings up how I fucked him one night at the comedy store.
I switched the lineup. And I put him up after a guy that was really strong. And Joe just was starting.
and it was the black knight yeah and he fucking ate dick and he still blames me i'm so sorry like and i didn't do it with the malicious intent i don't like to this day i don't even remember why i switched the lineup but it literally was my call yeah and he still like remembers it it's funny he's about to do so far with gabriel glazes and he's still like you're fine who's your hardest follow
Back in the day, when I first started, nobody wanted to go after Craig Robinson. Craig, yeah. Because he had a fucking joke with his piano that brought the goddamn house down. Is this the one that he did on Def Comedy Gym? He goes, can I see your boo? He does this whole song and he goes like this. He did this whole bit and he goes, you know, can I see your booty?
And then he comes and he goes, see that girl? Everybody wants to see your booty.
Something like that.
He killed. I was like, every time you see him on the little lineup, you'd be like, fuck, dude. I gotta go after this bitch. Yeah. Because you know he's going to destroy. So Craig. Nobody wanted to follow Cat. Cat. Back in the day when we were open micing, he was cat in a hat because he had the biggie bit, the one he accused Cedric of stealing. He had that biggie bit where the car broke down.
Dad brought the house down. She's like, fuck. But I think the strongest back when I first got to L.A. was Earthquake. Really? Nobody. Earthquake had a fucking closer. And it was one of those runs that went for like five minutes. And it was like, I was dating this girl and she had a baby adult. And it was like, he acted like this baby was in the crib with real fucking problems.
You know what I mean?
going off like a baby talk and i was like in the crowd just and then earthquake you know earthquake y'all like you know it's not like a big synopsis they're in the middle of fucking chaos earthquake y'all yeah and dips and i was like oh my fucking god that's where i learned don't watch stand-up especially before you go up
If I know I'm following, back in the open mic day, if I'm going after Quake, Cat, Craig, any of those dudes, I'm outside the building. So I don't hear this shit, and I'm making sure I got loud conversations. Hey, good to see you again, Andrew!
yeah so when i go in i'm not psyching myself out you know what i mean but quake had the strongest closer in the late 90s i think really yeah i mean man that motherfucker bring the house down with that shit wow i want to find that bit i've never i've never heard that yeah it's dated because i remember it's something something had to do with a pager you know did you use my code on my pages shit like that so it's dated now yeah
I didn't know you could pull this up. I thought there was copyrights and that was yours.
It happened at the Bay Area Black Comedy Conference. It's the same one that Nick won. Oh, really? I don't know what I said, but the guy that went after me did really bad. And they used to call the bombs his name. What? For a minute. If you bombed after me, I'd go, oh, you had an Andrew?
You know what I mean?
Wow. I can't remember the guy's name, though. I just remember he had a pink. The only thing I remember, he came up after me, he had a pink sweater with the big white lapels coming out afterwards. Yeah. It just was really bad that night. I don't like to shit on comics. I really can't remember his name, though. Better not to do that. That was a rough one for him. You know what I mean?
I'm curious. So many of the stories is you obviously having so much acceptance within the black community specifically. I'm curious, was there ever any issue being a white dude in that space that caused you problems or you lost opportunities purely just because of what you look like? No.
No, I think I didn't. I think it's one thing to be a white guy and you're acting like you want to hang out with black people when you're ingrained in the culture. Like I said, they saw me at the black spots when I got to L.A. I wasn't doing the comedy store all night. I was going to Mavericks Flat. I was going to the Comedy Act Theater. I was going to all the black shit.
And not the ones in Hollywood. I'm talking about the ones in Compton and on the other side of the 10. You know what I mean? So I don't think, I never saw that.
Yeah, that's something. And you and you want to push yourself like I want to make sure these jokes are they go over wherever I'm at.
Don't laugh. Don't laugh. You can't laugh. Laughing is incriminating. Get Gary a towel. Somebody get Gary a paper towel. Get him a shirt. Get him something.
I think I've only been to the cellar once.
Wow. Do you, are you scared to do white rooms? No, not at all. Do you remember the first time? I'm begging. Literally, I keep begging my agent, and he'll tell you this. Get me on Salt Lake, please.
I want to experience everything. Yeah, because I don't think you wouldn't cross over. Yeah. I think it would be very easy. This latest special, and it was on purpose, and somebody would be like, don't listen to haters and stuff. The one on Mint right now, there's no race jokes. And that was a purposeful thing on my part. But I don't think that there's not one mention at all.
I didn't know you guys were going to show that.
And I was just like, you know what? Because how this special came out was the last special I had, Broken Family, we did that on Friday. And I woke up Saturday morning and I went, I told my manager, I said, I think I have another hour. Did we get it last night? Because we did two shows. She said, yeah, we're clean. I go, I'm going to do a different hour tonight. So we sat there at the coffee shop.
Let's get some AC on in here.
And we wrote down bullet points. And I just remember there was 12 bullet points, and it was like one or two words. And we taped it to the stage so I could glance down. Because I didn't want a choppy special if I was going to try it.
That came up in court, bro.
So we did it in the flow of things. And it came out good. And then when I wrote it, I looked at it. I said, look, there's no race jokes in this. Almost like laughing about it. And then when I saw it, I go... All right. Yeah.
No, it didn't. This is your fault. No, it didn't.
That's the reason why Roots... was like the number one show on TV in the 70s when that miniseries came out, because white people was like, I don't... I want to watch this shit.
You ruined his marriage. Gary, we settled, but it came up in court.
I want to watch it on TV. I don't know if I want to go to the concert or... But there is a little concern, and also like...
I do coke on stage. Yeah, I stole a key from him.
I do one line in his memory every fucking show, bro. Now you've been asleep since fucking February.
That's why I was sweating. You gotta snort it for the homies sometimes. Do you see how the coke came out of my system? This is crazy. I don't need a fucking pound of wine.
That wasn't lotion, it was blow. The first 20 minutes of this was rough.
So what happened, dude? You were pouring. Yeah, and it just stopped. That happened 50 degrees. That happened on Think Like a Man, the first one. Oh, my fucking God. The first time we all sat in the bar together and were in the scene, I started leaking. Just like I was on here. And I didn't know why. I'm not nervous. I'm amongst friends. I go, why the fuck am I sweating? And I know my body.
I'm like, just get adjusted. Get adjusted. And then one of the producers go, Jesus Christ. I was like, that didn't help, bro. Because I'm doing the same thing. Like, I know. Do they see it? Yeah. I don't think they see it. I go, because everybody's just doing their shit. Nobody's acknowledging. No, they are actors. And as soon as that producer goes, Jesus Christ, then the floodgates open.
Dude, this guy's like Samuel Jackson in a time to kill. They kept calling me Sweaty Jackson the whole shoot. I go, what the fuck, bro? And then I leaned up, and it looked like I got shot. It was just sweat in the back. But you got to realize, it was warm. It was July. We were in a bar, and they had to shut off the AC, and they had to shut off the fans.
So as soon as they said, we're ready to roll, it just went up like 20 degrees. And my body just takes a minute to adjust. Yeah. I was fine the rest of the day. We were in that booth all day, but that first 30 minutes was like this shit. Yeah, yeah. You're good now. That goddamn producer? Yeah. Jesus Christ! You don't want to do that in fucking cabs right there. It was attack mode right there.
I was like, why is this coming to me?
Here's the funniest shit.
Daddy Daycare is weird how it came about. I was preparing all week for an audition for an Eddie Griffey movie called My Baby Daddy. So they call me in the morning and they go, hey, we got an audition in like an hour for this Eddie Murphy movie called Daddy Daycare. And I go, no, no, it's Eddie Griffin. They go, Eddie Murphy. I said, Eddie Griffin, it's at three o'clock.
I'm arguing with this lady that's not my agent on the phone. They go, Gary, you have an audition in like an hour. for this movie with Eddie Murphy. We know about the other one. I go, oh, really? So I drive to the Fox lot. I go in. It was one line. That's why I didn't have to really prepare. It was, hey, boys, we got a brand new cereal, Veggios, boys and girls.
How big was the ice cube in your throat? You don't appreciate this being a sports fan. Randomly, I press follow to follow Max Crosby, the DN for the Raiders, right?
So I'm looking at it, and I go, what the fuck am I doing with this? And all the kids was auditioning that day. So the whole... The waiting room was all these kids. So when I walked in, I said, hey, can I ask this mom, can I bring your son to the audition? So I walked this kid in who has no idea who I am. And I read for some dad first. And they said, all right, read for the carrot and the broccoli.
So I grabbed the kid and I sat him down and I started snaking around him and started dancing. And that's when I did the B-R-O-C-C-O-L-I. I just made that up in the audition room. And that's the only audition where they go, you got it. So I did the song. They said, you got it. And I go, oh, no fucking way. I just got it.
Oh, that's cool. Steve Carr was like, bro, where are you from? Why don't I know you? He goes, you just killed that shit. He goes, you're good. This never happens, by the way. And I've never had that happen before.
Well, I was in with the producers. I skipped all the other steps. Got it. I was in with the producers. with everybody.
So they tell me I got it. Great. Then we go to shoot. Eddie doesn't go to the table reads. Eddie's not at blocking. Eddie's not at another rehearsal. The first time I see him, I'm in this fucking carrot outfit. He comes around the corner, and I'm literally this close to his face, and I'm just like... First, I got stunned. I go, fuck, it's fucking Eddie Murphy. I'm looking like, that's his nose.
He ain't got lotion in his ears. I'm looking at all his features like this close, and then he goes, hey, man. I didn't know you were in this. That's me up.
He knows who you are. Yeah.
And I go, Whoa. And he goes, he goes, I love that joke. I heard he knows standup. He said, I love that joke about Eminem and Tiger Woods. And that was the time he don't, I never knew if he was at the comedy store or not.
He just sit in the back. So this bit was not on TV. So clearly that was a time when I said the world's upside down because the number one golfer is black. The number one rapper is white. Yeah. Basic joke. But he knew it. And then, so I was like, ah, it kind of felt validated a little bit. And then... We go to do the scene where I'm supposed to do the song. I don't do the song.
Also, he sends me a voice memo on IG like, brah, you're a legend, man. I'm thinking about to do one of my specials. Dude, the funniest shit ever is when they ask you if you was faithful. Yeah. You started choking, bro. That was legendary. I'm like this.
I'm scared now because Eddie's there, right? So I just start doing it. Hey, boys and girls, we got a brand new cereal. And the director goes, cut. He goes, where's the fucking song? And I go, what do you mean? He goes, the song. The B-R-O-C-L-I. I go, oh, I know if you want it. He goes, that's how you got the part. So I go, do the song, right?
B-R-O-C-C-O-L-I. I am the broccoli and don't know why.
He's on the other side of that glass thing. I don't know if he's there or not. I don't know. Got it, got it. It's a different room. Great movie. But we go to the premiere, and they blocked off all this shit in Westwood. They had, like, a kid's carnival and stuff. It was dope. Then Eddie was being so cool that day, and there was a line of people to get pictures with Eddie. Yeah. I'm literally next.
There was a fucking comic that wasn't in the movie. He was just an aggravating guy, like... Every time you saw him around town, he's just aggravating. He goes up to Eddie right before I'm going to get a picture with him. Oh, Jesus. And he grabs him, and he grabs the back of his head. Oh, God. You could tell he was in his ear going, motherfucker, you inspiration. You got to do this shit.
But Eddie was like, bitch.
Yeah, I got a line. I go, I'm not next. Yeah, yeah. He's just fucking... Eddie was gone five minutes later. Yeah. He just left the whole party. I go, dude, fuck. I still have a picture with him this day. It's another Kobe guy, dude.
This motherfucker touched him.
Back of the head and was like, oh, and his ear like, motherfucker, I can... And you could tell what he was saying.
That's who Shannon Sharp should call. That's how you fuck white women. Right. And don't get any scandals. Eddie Murphy does it better than anybody. Shannon, call Eddie, baby. He's popping the mixed babies out. Nobody's paying attention to their coffee beans.
Every fucking week with the new blonde. I'm like, this guy's the best. He figured it out. Yeah, he figured it out.
Of all the shit I've done, Max, that's what you know me for? 20 years in the comedy game. The films.
Yeah. They did something behind closed doors. From what I know, the texts, they were just into some wild shit.
Is it really Serena William? I've never Googled that. I don't know.
Especially... Anybody, everyone on this podcast, it had to benefit you. Yeah.
So it's like, I want to go back. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I want guys like that that are giving comics like platforms. Yeah, yeah. I want those guys to maintain a clean image. You're a psycho.
Listen, man, you're fucking up the bag, bitch. I've never heard that before. Listen, you're fucking up my bag, bitch. My numbers went through the roof after I got on stage today, dude.
What are you talking about? My guy went to Peacekill, New York. Crush. I never had a Peacekill in my life. But I did have a lot of people like... More than anything I've done in the last two years, people will come up at the meet and greets and say, I saw the Shay Shay interview.
That's what the motherfucker knows me for. I mean, he was dying. Like, oh, my God, bro. That's the funniest shit. I feel like Marlon Wayans. Marlon sweats on every podcast. Wait, how did your lawyer defend the clip? No, no, no. It wasn't. My ex, she said, she goes, I just saw a video. I've never seen it before. I guess when everything came out, people started sending her shit.
It benefits. I mean, I'm sure they saw my other shit, but that's the first thing that comes out of their mouth. Yeah. You know what I mean?
It was a good one. The confidence from Shannon in his video saying, drop the tape. Did you see it? Oh, yeah. He goes drop and drop.
I need to preview that.
I know.
Some edits.
I was thinking that the 30 seconds are going to drop. I'm like this. The fact that you want 10 out there? Crazy.
You edited that wrong.
Bro, dropping the tape is crazy.
I think we should all learn, don't film yourself. Don't film yourself.
That is the thing.
I don't have the time. I don't have the wherewithal.
Do some squats. I have hair there. I need to trim my armpits. What the fuck is going on over here?
Yeah. That's a big motherfucker.
You think you have a good set, then you listen back to it, and you're like, oh, I kind of bombed. You know what I mean? That's how I feel like the tape would go. I'd be like, yo, drop it. Then you see it, and you're like, eh, scrub it.
Fucked his cousin or some shit?
Like blood.
In some shit, you just take it to the grave. Yeah. I used to watch this interview and realize I was very careful. You didn't say his name the entire interview. Yeah, and it was tough. A couple times it almost came out. Really?
All right.
Yeah, we got it. I got the gist of it. I didn't see a meme where someone said Kanye got his jaw wired shut so he'd stop sucking his cousins. Oh, my God. That was pretty good.
Here's a crazy story about Kanye. Before the song came out, Through the Wire, I was in... It was a long time. I was in Brooklyn, and I was at some, like...
little house party thing there was like 30 people there and somebody had something to do with that video put it on the TV I didn't know what the fuck it was I didn't know who he was and they go yeah this dude's gonna blow man literally and it was like some videographer that was helping him with the video and then it was like fucking six months later He was through the roof.
And the only reason I remembered it is because he had D-Ray in the video.
Oh, that's right. And D-Ray was riding.
So when I watched it, I go, is that fucking D-Ray? And it's only when I remembered it because it wouldn't have resonated and I wouldn't have put two and two together. But he showed me it like right before he blew.
Yeah, it was like the arm in the sling joke or something. He was like doing a joke with him.
They said, you should have known. I was like this. So then she brought it up. Okay. So you went, you had this.
And then I'll tell you another crazy story, Eminem's story. His second video is called Role Models. So I'm in it, but I'm basically an extra. But I wasn't an extra when we recorded it. I was in that bitch. So Philip Atwell directed all Dr. Dre's videos. Somehow he got wind to me. And was like, yo, calls me on left field. Yo, we got this new rapper, man. Some say he wasn't out yet.
I know I knew who he was. He said, we got this white rapper out of Detroit, man. He's, you know, he's got this shit coming out. He goes, we're about to do this video, man. We need somebody to make it funny and punch up a little bit with us. So I go down this hangar in Santa Monica. And we shoot, and I don't know who he is. Right? And nobody does.
Yeah, this is right when I'm on BET and shit. Right when I got on there. So I go to the video. If you pull up role models, I'm an extra in the background. I'm a cop in the background. Wow.
Yeah, it didn't pop like the other ones. He's in a... That's me. There I am. Wow. And then so in the video, they go, hey, this guy's getting busted with weed, and what are you guys going to do? And so I went to craft services, and I had cookies in my pocket, right? So we were supposed to arrest them, and then we were laying on top of the cop car, and
And the scene was, you think we're arresting them, and then the three of us are all getting high together on top of the cop car. So we're looking up at the sky, and it's me, the criminal, and then Eminem. So they passed the weed, and after they passed the joint, I pulled the cookies out of my pocket. And I passed them there, and it went over well. Everybody ate the cookies.
And then when the video came back, I go, man, they took the cookie part out.
Did Em ever hit you after you did the Eminem and Tiger joke? No, we didn't know each other. But even after the joke with Eminem and Tiger? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Funny? He was just kind of... He was in the wild mode Eminem, right? Oh, really? It was all new. He was cutting up with his boys and shit. And I remember Dre was there. And I remember Dre just kept, after we got done, she goes, man, you two together, that'd be some shit. That'd be some shit, you two together. And Dre knew of you at the time, for sure. I guess. I don't know. But I was like this.
I go, yeah, I would. After the fucking Eminem video came out, I go, I hope they call me back one day. But yeah, that was kind of cool. It's like before it happened.
I need to play-by-play that.
Oh, that's what we're doing? People are like, you clout chaser.
For attention. Entertainment is clout, bitch. Nobody wants to be an anonymous comedian. You're so stupid. Are you clout chasing old fucking Kendrick? Duh. That's exactly why I did it.
I was just going to say, yeah, and I just came out wrong. Yeah.
There it is. I stopped. You stopped immediately. Cold turkey. Dude, I'm so different now. Just kidding. I learned. I'm going to be like Mark Wahlberg. Just get up at 4.30, eat protein shakes, and do a no black shit no more. The crazy thing about Mark Wahlberg, that's the first celebrity I ever saw. Was he living that entourage life? His name was Marky Mark.
And I was in the Navy, and I was in Cincinnati, and I was flying back to D.C. And this was before 9-11, so you could go up to the gate and just hang out. So I'm hanging out with two of my buddies, waiting to see me off. And then four black guys, huge black guys, are walking off the plane. I go, what the fuck? Who's coming off? And then Mark Wahlberg was in the middle of them.
This is when he just had the good vibration song. It was the only song. I just remember he was really short. His calves was huge. And I just remember it just popped out. I go, oh, fuck, Marky Mark. Why I said that, I don't know. It just popped out. I go, Marky Mark. And everybody just looked over. But that was the first celeb I ever saw in my life, 18 years old.
I think he was doing a concert in Cincinnati that night, some summer series. But that was the first celeb I ever just saw. Wow.
At this point, are there any celebrities that come to the show that you might not be familiar with, but your kids are more excited that you met than you are?
Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. I'm thinking, uh... Dang, that's a really good question. Uh... I don't know.
Because I've heard this happen where it's like, oh, like I met so-and-so and my kids were going crazy because they, you know, oh, it's Mr. Beast. And you're like, who's Mr. Beast?
I know all the coaches in the NFL now. I'm not involved.
all the coaches and i'm older than them like what the fuck happened you know what i mean like i'm cool all the coaches now like i don't know any players like look at the players like i don't know what the fuck you have a hard time like i used to really like hate a player this and that and now i'm like this is a child it's a baby yeah facts oj came to my show when you're in miami no way simpson and as soon as i started talking to him i go i get why people fuck with you
He was the most charming person. I forgot. He murdered people. Allegedly. This is the coldest shit he did. I ain't never seen nobody do this. He came with two white girls and a dude. Left with zero. He tells the host, he goes, look, Host goes, they said, OJ's here. You know, they bring me out to say hi to him.
And then he goes, yo, give me a, let me know if you're going to announce me that I'm in a room, right? This is when the Coconut Grove improv was upstairs. Yeah. And so the host goes, all right, I'm going to tell this joke and then we'll say OJ's in the room, right? So he tells a joke. He goes, yeah, we got a big celebrity in the room tonight, OJ Simpson.
This motherfucker moved seats and was sitting between two black girls. Wow. He moved over. He stands up and goes, and the fucking crowd gave him a standing O, right? And I was like, did that fucker move away from the white girl? And as soon as he calmed down again, the motherfucker went back to the white girls in the back. And then afterwards, I'm sitting at the bar.
He starts bullshitting for like 20 minutes. And the whole time, he just wanted to be like, oh, fuck it, did you do it? But he's just going, where are you from, man? I was like, I was the coldest game I ever played in my career. You know, I played in Buffalo. We were in the Cincinnati, man. I said, man, I ain't never experienced cold like that.
Link it back. God damn, that was funny.
He just started talking about old football games and shit. I'm 20 minutes in before I went, hey, man, let's look at O.J. Simpson. I'm just talking football there. I lost track of everything. Wow. I go, oh, this guy's good. He's good.
I lived there like I liked him. Yeah.
I can see why. So he charmed you. Completely. Sociopath. Completely charmed me, bro. I was like, I'm sitting here talking about Bengal shit and shit. You know what I mean?
You like Carson Paul?
I think he's pretty good. You know, just regular shit.
Wow. I'm curious. People always talk about how comedy changed from late 90s into the 2000s. And today, obviously, it's very different. In your experience with your audience, have you felt the same change?
You just grow with your audience.
Yeah. You just grow with them.
You know what I found? I know we talk about me being big with the black community, but a lot of military come out, too. A lot of ex-military come out. Because I get that a lot. You get the coins. Yeah, yeah. Or you get like, dude, they saw a joke or something about being military police and shit like that. So I get that a lot.
So I would say, as far as like, what I've noticed, a lot of ex-military be coming out.
Well, you broke it down. I think you, Shane Gillis, guys like you, you just kind of paved the way a little bit, showing like, look... I'm going to just do me. If you want to be offended, that's on you. I'm going to do me. So I got a little bit of heat with the special needs community back in 2016. It's the only time I felt like I backed down. I was really upset about it.
I'm still watching this. The PTSD is like real. You know what? It's him. He got the straw in his mouth. He's like, Kobe, game five. Who's the guy?
I got a special needs cousin named Tina, and she got an STD. Yeah. And when the whole family was like, Tina got an STD, I was like, Tina's fucking... To me, that was the bigger deal.
I was so happy.
She ain't missing out. You know what I mean? I was so excited for her. But in my special, I said the word retarded. I didn't say special needs. I didn't get the email blast. Oh, it was just for saying retarded? Yeah. Saying the word. That's all it was. It had nothing to do with the joke. And then they came after me to the point where I had just got my reality show greenlit on BET.
They were threatening to go after sponsors like McDonald's and shit like that. We're going to tell them not to run ads. Basically, they were like, we're going to go after you for your TV show. So I had to literally fly to D.C. and meet with four special needs people that were telling me how to write my jokes.
Who's the guy? What's the comedian's name?
This is what they did. And they made sure they had the gamut, bro. They had a black woman, a black man, a white woman, a white man, and it was the whole gamut. It was MS... It was the guy that looked like Corky from Life Goes On. It was the lady that you couldn't tell. They made sure I was cooked. When that motherfucker told me, I said, well, what am I supposed to do? And what did they say?
Like, what were they saying? I said, well, what's funny? Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
G-Tang.
Wait, you said this? You said this. And I was like this. What? I go, I see it.
Oh, my God.
So you learned your lesson. No.
Literally, you can look it up.
Yeah, I know that shit.
Pull it up. Gary meets with the special Olympics people.
Last week, we were the darlings of liberal media. This week, Gary's doing retard impressions.
Oh, you can't say that. This is what Aries does. This is what Godfrey does.
They're good at celebs. I'm good at special needs. Look at that.
So there you go. You're just telling us a story. So they're telling you how to tell the joke to make it more.
I told them, I said, I don't blame these four people. They all had people behind them that were like their people. I said, I blame you. I said, you don't want them to be made fun of, which to me says I'm better than you. If I don't make fun of you, I feel sorry for you. If I make fun of you, we're the same. Make fun of me. Literally, they couldn't fathom
It's funny.
Showcasing the joy is the most beautiful part.
I think the biggest issue, what I learned from it, especially if you're a parent of a special needs kid, where do you direct your anger? I'm with my wife. I didn't cheat. I've been faithful to her. I have a good job. I've done everything right that you say you're supposed to do in life. And now I have a special needs child. Who am I mad at? I can't be mad at God. I can't be mad at the child.
There's this comedian that's just told a special needs joke. So I'm mad at him. That's where my anger is directed. And I think that's where it comes from.
There it is. There's the four. Well, the one girl wouldn't get in the picture. But the little white dude told me how to tell my jokes. I need it. All my stories can be validated. I've told some doozies today, but none of them are lies.
I don't want to point this out. This is how you know Gary's a black comic, is that you still have lotion in your ear a little. Don't wipe it off.
So you're there with George Wallace, Michelle Obama, Shane Gillis, Sam Jay.
George Wallace, Sam Jay, and Corky from Life Goes On. It was a fucking, it was a day. It was a day. Yeah, they flew me to D.C. Wow. And Showtime took it out of my special. They took that joke out. But it was too late. It was already out there.
And I literally was like... People were like, don't take it out of the fucking art. I go... I go, bro, nobody's going to notice. It's already out there on the internet. If Showtime takes it off their website and their streamer, if it's going to get my TV show, here's what it is.
Yeah. That was the thing, because Showtime had my back, I will say. But they was like, whatever you want us to do. I said, sometimes we want to fight just to win. And sometimes I'm like, I don't give a shit. This is what I told them in the room. They didn't like this joke. I said, yo, it's 2016. That special came out in 2013. And you're calling them slow.
fuck you been this has been on for three years but they're the slowest you're the slowest yeah and they're not even watching it there's no way the three of them will watch the special one person watched it made a blog or something and then it just caught wildfire there were actors tom arnold kept dming me wanted to talk to me i guess he has a special needs son oh no
There was another actor that I really liked. He's in all these action movies, I guess he's, and they, they just go on these rants and they just, you know, I'm going, Oh my God, dude. Yeah. You never saw the joke. Yeah.
I swear, do you see it? I'm so sorry. I don't want to point it out. You guys don't fucking miss shit.
He's like this. Oh, you're at a Marriott property? Still. That's definitely a Marriott.
That's a Marriott lotion right there.
I'm sorry for pointing it out, but I couldn't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we made a lot of nothing. I'm not the first guy to drop. Five rounds is crazy, though. There was really only five or six teams looking for a quarterback in the beginning. It wasn't like 32 teams. The Bengals was not going to get him.
I don't like him. I've been around this many white people in 40 years. He feels like he's back in court. There's two of you. Stop laughing.
I mean, I think you might have walked in on me in the bathroom once or twice. I mean, I definitely.
My wife asked me recently, have I ever not had diarrhea? That's what she asked me recently. We shared a hotel room for four days. She goes, has it ever been solid? Still in the honeymoon phase, huh?
Exclusively?
Highly encouraged over there.
What is the weirdest thing you've eaten, Mr. Schaffer?
All in Ecuador.
It was a guy wearing a kangaroo hat.
You're a kangaroo right here. That's a stretch. Well, Bear Burger used to do that, right? Ostrich Burger?
They had kangaroo. I heard that kangaroo burger packs a punch. I'm sorry. Hey, box. All right. Damn. A real Norman episode for us here. Got that. Keep it in. Shout out to Mr. Morgan. Shout out to Morgan Ammon.
Yep. They were nice. The good folks over there are true works. Talk about whipping work. Top quality stuff. They were nice enough to send us some gear on the arm. Shout out to you. Respect a couple gentlemen like that. Of course. I got a hoodie. Man, I didn't realize I grabbed it. I threw it on. I had to go walk the dog. Woo! Dude, it was snowing, rain, sleet, everything. Is that right?
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Hey, gang. Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. Garbage gang, go over there. You get all that bonus content. And the boys are back on the road, the back on the block door. All tickets available. Are you garbage.com?
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Yeah, it's fantastic. Listen, new year, too. New year, new you. This is a time to be like, you know what? I'm going to take that step, and BetterHelp is an easy step into the pool, baby. You get in. You can figure it out from there. It's super noncommittal. You can call and text. You're going to sit in an office, talk to some guy. My guy used to fall asleep on me. I got to can you.
I got to sit in here.
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Thank you. Enough dicking around here. Let's get into the goddamn questions.
This is the first episode we've ever done kind of... He's got to do something. Here goes the fidgets. This is the first episode we've kind of done with you straight up. Because the first one you came in... Straight up as a first guess where we decided if you were garbage or not.
Holy shit. All right.
That is a question.
These are stiff. Are you garbage if you brag about how well you can shuffle cards? I do brag.
Yeah, but that's kind of the dealers go corner to corner a lot of times.
They don't even shuffle anymore. They got that fucking machine there that does it. The machine, yeah. Poker they do, or a lot of times, or I guess maybe not anymore. I guess they do. But that is very... Why is that... That is a very garbage tendency...
I do that, too. That is cool.
Yeah.
The chip shuffle at the table, at like a fucking roulette table and a blackjack table or whatever, lets you know you've been right. I am my first fucking time here. Now, comp me a room.
No. He doesn't like how I, he thinks I get a little too testy at the table.
Yes. The dealer.
I'm having a good, it's all in jest, Ari. Making fun of him.
I'll go. You're a fucking piece of shit.
How would he come to your house and stick my dick in your ass? Turn the table over.
There'll be kids around. I will say you screwed me. I'll never direct it at him. I think that's fair.
The dealer.
Not like this fucking... Hey, Jimmy, did you change your name tag to Jerkel? Jimmy Jerkel.
You're really painting me in a bad situation. It ain't good. What do you do? I'll have fun with it. It's not like they just come in, they deal me a bad hand. I'm like, what the fuck?
Yeah, this March we're starting in Pontiac, Michigan, Indianapolis, Indiana, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey, and gang, tickets are going quick. Get them while supplies last. The boys are coming to town. See you out there.
I have fun. And listen, I tip very, very heavy. And I'll go out, you know. True. Very true. Luke backed me up on that. At the tables, you think he does?
That's exactly why I'm upset with them.
They play it back with you. I love that. They ain't doing that at fucking the Bellagio. Those are a little questionable, though.
Is there your bald friend? He's causing a bit of a scene. Now, it's always fun and lighthearted. You're painting me out to be a bad guy. That's not the case. Yeah.
For what?
Poker?
Why? And then so we can do a double raise. You're kind of playing together. It's like, hey, let's not fucking bump heads in the pot. We're here to take their money.
That's such an Ari thing, dude.
All right, staying in casinos, this is from F. Holy, the $10 pizza and milk guy. Are you garbage if you take a photo? Oh, wait, this is not it, but we'll stay in here. Are you garbage if you take a photo of the dead guy at an open casket funeral? Still think my aunt posing my two cousins in front of grandpa was a bad look. Worst part, she made them cheese.
That's ready to go. Hey, as an international businessman, I'd get on top of that. The CEO over here, let us to Keough. I like that. That's good.
That's tough. Wait, she made who cheese? She made the kids smile in front of- Don't take a picture with the cheese. Yeah, and then it was like, cheese. No, you don't smile on that one. That's a no smile. I think all pictures- That's a for sure no smile. For sure you shouldn't be taking pictures of the dead guy. That's crazy. You shouldn't. That's nuts.
But there's a big thing that dirtbag families do is a lot of their family pictures are taken at funerals because that's the only time they're all dressed up together.
Yeah.
No, for sure. That's a dirtbag thing. You can't be taking pictures.
Hey, hold this in a dark place for three to five minutes. You got it. Yeah, I'll give you that.
Like, poke them? What, you've done it before? Yeah, I've done it.
You could do are you Jewish? That would be. Yes. I'm not, but my mother is.
Got to let the girls out, huh?
No, if they're in the casket, they're not naked. Yeah, they're all dressed up, right? I think so. What do you guys get buried in? Plane box. Yeah, but, like, stuff-wise. Yeah, I assume almost nothing. Yeah, I didn't think you guys were shelling out cash to bury it.
Drop you off at the junkyard.
Like, yeah, post up, you know, maybe a little stone ashtray. Like, build in. You have a joint, like a roach clip or something.
That was big when... Bunch of blunts in the ashtray.
I'm all fucked up, guys. I'm all fucked up, guys. I'm all fucked up.
That picture I sent to the group of you with your eyes all fucked up. Oh, my God. I was lit.
Sure. That is a big telltale sign of how garbage you are when someone passes when you're younger. Like in high school, we had a lot of kids died in our high school. It must have been poison in the well or something. But a lot of people – and that was like you'd go to the grave and like – We're going to go there and smoke a blunt. We're going to go there and drink a bottle.
Well, I got a bottle of, like, 100 proof. I got a bottle of Captain. We're going to go and fucking drink it on the birthday. To honor him. Yeah, we did that shit all the time.
Fizz Face.
This is bad.
It's like... It's Hyphy, period. Oh, Hyphy. Yeah, he was fucking seven during... Hyphy versus Thizzen?
You'll find it. Chat GPT. AI's got to know something about this.
I don't know. I guess you'd pour some out. I mean, I've definitely partaken, but my friends would be like, we're going to go and fucking... I got two blunts rolled. One for him, one for me. Ari, that beer's warm, by the way. Why'd you just tell him? He's touching it. You want a cold one? We only have like... We got Christmas ales.
Uh-oh.
Civil War ale. Yikes. Derogatory term. That's all we got left is Christmas beers. Big man drank all the Bud Lights the other night in here by himself. I had one Bud Light. A really big Bud Light, though. Why don't you plug that thing in? It's broken. We've gotten two new ones shipped here. They've shown up broken. It's a whole thing. It's such a cool part of it. I'm well aware.
It's a very annoying thing we're dealing with at the moment. Yeah. We're working on it. All right, let's see here. This one I don't think we've ever discussed. This is from Cody, $10 dumpster fire here. What's more garbage when getting a haircut? You do the square or round neckline? Ooh. Is there a classy? I don't think either one's trashy. Is there a gentleman's offer?
Never get taken too far. They've taken me too far up to like the bottom of my ears. Man, you look like a computer programmer. It's a reverse Theo.
I had one guy go, I'm not done yet. And I went, all right, well, hair goo is your tip. He also gave you the worst haircut ever. It was pretty bad. I had to wear a hat for a cut. I got to grow into a haircut a little bit. I need two or three days to grow into it. Are you just cutting that yourself?
Dude, I was just traveling back from Germany in that airport, man. That is hate. Oh, really? Those guys are going through security with a headband and a swollen ass head. It's all headbands. And they look like a Ken doll. Everybody on there is in a headband. They all laid over in fucking, they all laid over in Frankfurt. My wife was like, there's no way you could ever do that.
Were you a unibrow kid? I could peg you as a unibrow. You're a hairy man. No. None? No, no. I got hair in other places.
No, it's like two weeks. It's two weeks like no water.
Yeah, it's like two weeks. Ink. It's two weeks.
Also, I don't need a bigger head, man. That swelling might not go down.
And put a little piece of hair in there. I think you're seeing the piece of hair because then it falls out and then regrows or something like that. I don't know. It's a bad look. I do not want to be. That guy knew everyone was looking at him.
Fuck.
They look really good now. They do look good now. They're way better.
We've had someone offer us a listener. His dad, a listener's dad is one of the best guys in Turkey. And he offered us like a full, do you want to do it? He offered us like a full blown, come over, they put you up. They give you like a Lamborghini to drive around in.
I can't do it.
Oh, just go to Turkey.
Get something to eat. Get some of them sandwiches I like. I know I like the sandwiches. And Turkish beers. They got the weird cigarettes. We can hang out here. We can smoke weird cigs and weird beers here.
I guess it's true. Save the fucking $35,000. And the headache. My God, the headache. All right, let's see here. You treat me like a king over there.
That was the... Oh, the back. I would say square is probably the more gentleman-y thing. I don't think it makes you garbage or not. I don't think it's not garbage, but I think the classier one would be square.
You're saying no.
Shave the back of his neck. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's brutal. I never had that. Italians had that. It's gross. The Italians. They're a hairy group. You ain't lying. I mean, we used it to our advantage. My boy Vinny with the skinny, he was about 16, sent him into the beer distributor in a wife beater and board shorts in the summer. And they were like, you got IDs. I just came from the pool.
I have to say, this is my favorite Ari look. You look like a good-looking guy here. The beard's pretty good. Bald, but cool. Still pretty good. Sometimes you come in, it looks like you came in out of the fucking subway tunnel.
And they went, nah, I mean, you look like a fucking, you know. Like a mechanic.
Underage beer for five years.
Well, do you see people are doing that? They're dressing up as old women or old men. You can get enough fake prosthetics, like a wig and all this stuff, and go in as a super old guy, grab a sixer, and the guy behind the counter is like, yeah, whatever. Hey! As someone who used to have to check IDs.
I think it's just better or worse. Sure. It does open up for a pretty good debate. And I never know. Sometimes I go, whatever you're feeling, man. Also, English, there's a tough language barrier where I get my hair cut a lot of times.
They got to talk to the guy next, because I always get the bad guy, because I don't call in and make my appointment at the Dominican spot, so I always get the guy who's just sitting there waiting.
He don't speak English, so I got to talk to the guy next to him, and then he's got to talk to him.
Just some Russian. The Europeans do a very nice, they go bald very. That's like way more, the receding hairline, hairstyle still. Like they push it in and they do it nice.
Coming to a podcast near you, gang. You got to push forward. The push forward and the fucking, the soccer players do it. He's looking at the owner of the Raiders.
His skin's all blotchy and shit.
Sometimes.
Dude, he looks great. Hey, Portobello, get the fuck out of here.
He's got a little bit of cash on him.
There you go. Very true. Yeah, that makes sense. I see what you're saying there, Gay. All right, let's see. This one's from Phil. $10 pizza pervert, never have one read. Is it garbage to sleep with your hands in your pockets? Sometimes it's comforting. Sometimes I feel like a psychopath. Always psychopath.
Hands in your pockets while you're sleeping.
It's really good.
Oh, man. In a business suit, holding a briefcase. I'll never. Pretty good. I was driving down Girard Avenue, and there's a trolley on Girard, so there's, like, people wait in the middle on, like, a little island. Mm-hmm. And, man, this guy is at, like, fucking Girard and Frankfurt or something. This guy nodding out as I was passing him and, like, leaned over my car and I just zipped right.
I almost took that guy's fucking head clean off. He didn't even know what happened.
He just popped up and then, you know.
No, I'm sure it's great.
Today's episode is brought to you by Brooklyn Lager Winter IPA. They're fucking close. They can cut a goddamn check. Yeah, just put a picture of penis in here.
See if you can find the name of that. I heard a pretty good name recently. For doing your own soda? Doing one of everything. It's like running the gauntlet or the tornado.
Suicides is pretty. Doing a suicide?
Don't you talk bad about Dua Lipa. How is it? Oh, you don't have it yet? Scotch Ale. Ladies and gentlemen, here for the first time, Ari tries a four-year-old Scotch Ale. Don't throw up. Tootie will be pissed.
Pretty good. There you go. Pretty good.
Okay. I never fell in love with them.
He was like, oh, you're drinking those? I'm drinking Chimay. It's like, get out of here. Fucking Chimay.
It was like the AYG in frenzy. Came in side-faced, two-faced. Oh, I had hair back then. And then kept it for months you had to do. Oh, the half and half? The half and half.
Uh, alright, this one, this one, I mean, this is from Fat Chicks Only, this is Gar- Fat Chicks Only, that's a solid name. Is it garbage you get picked up for a custody exchange on a motorcycle? My dad would have to pick me up on- My dad would have to pick me up on his motorcycle and I would have to wear my stepmom's helmet and had a sticker on the back that read, bitch, I was ten years old.
That's pretty cool, though. It's so cool.
Ari, are you mixing the beers now?
He's a weird guy. What are you going to do? He's the oldest eight-year-old I've ever met in my life.
That's right. Now on Netflix. Now on Netflix. Beat that, too. You get one plug up front, Ari. That's all you get.
We just did one. It was just wrong. It's one of those idioms that you hear and you just, I heard it wrong the whole time.
A ration of shit. A ration of shit.
I heard it was, I thought it was a rash and a shit. Like, you're giving me a rash and a shit? A ration of shit over here? Like, I was chafing.
Yeah, I was chafing from all the shit I was getting. Nice. You know what I mean?
The cross-eyed bear that you gave to me.
I knew. I just don't want to tell you. It's pretty deep, man.
That's also a time when, like, unless you bought the album, you couldn't learn the lyrics. Hold on. Back that detail up. Dewey Beach.
They're so awkward.
You really got to commit to over the head, too.
It's coming frame first at you. Yeah. Damn, that's a good. I've never thought of that. That is an angry man right there.
God. All right. Let's see here. This is one from Uncle Doob.
Like a horror movie when the UFO's coming in?
You guys are just all in the backseat. I don't know. I don't know whose car this is. I don't know how we got here.
Hey, what about them broads that they get stuck and they flip the car themselves? You couldn't push it back?
Hey, buddy, you should have been driving there. Son of a bitch stole my car, officer. Where are my keys at? I got some trim lined up.
I know someone who did that. They had been intoxicated. This was decades ago. They had been intoxicated, crashed their car, just took off, ran home, reported it stolen.
How come there's so much of that, man?
I think the cops knew the whole time.
And he's like, buddy, I was snoozing. I don't know what to tell you.
One time we tried to take a cut through. Me and my buddy were leaving a house party real fucked up in our hometown. I think we were like back for college or something. Yeah. Try to take a cut through of what we remember. Closing all the ass. We remember as a kid of like, oh, we used to cut through here, like on our way home from school. But then, like, you just, you know, it was like. In a car?
No, we were walking. And we're like, oh, we were walking back. And we're like, oh, yeah, I think if you go behind this house, it'll dump you off on that road or whatever. Yeah, two houses in a yard, but sort of not. And we thought there was, like, a little path through the woods you would walk. And there wasn't. And it just, like, got thicker and thicker. And then, dude, we were just stuck.
You saw a witch? In acres of sticker bushes. And, dude, every walk, you just ripped in and in and in. And then my buddy fell. And he's like, just leave me, man. I'm never going to make. We were calling people at the party. Like, where are you at? We're like, you got to send help. No idea where we were.
Worst part about it, we got back to my buddy's. It was like a two and a half hour ordeal. And we're so fucked up, we're bleeding. Like, it's just our blood. It's like we got a tattoo drunk. We're just bleeding everywhere.
I got a dandelion hanging out of my eye. And they go. So we get back to my buddy's house, and we jump in the pool to, like, wash off, and his dad had just shocked the pool. And we started crying. His dad's like, you father. Bad night. What, because too much, like, chlorine? Too much. He had just dumped, like, open wounds. I mean, my mom was like, that was in my mind.
I was like, you have a problem. She's like, look at your legs.
New card game coming soon. Sign up for the announcement on RUGarbage.com. What's the difference?
New questions.
Yeah, you get another 50-something.
You post a picture. Everyone laughs. Everyone's in one. They get too hot.
You, I never had an all, I mean, I had one in college. Mine was an Eagles one.
Yeah. Yeah, mine was an Eagles one.
You're not wrong. That's a good time. Snuggies is a good time.
I did this five years ago and it worked, idiot. Sucker.
Trash. Is it garbage if your step-grandmother... That's a bad statement right there. Are these all Patreon questions?
It's just from Basura. How dare you? Basura. $5 trash. Never had one read. Is it garbage if your step-grandmother's ashes were sprinkled at her favorite slot machine in Atlantic City after her funeral? Double. Dot, dot, dot. They even allowed this kind of behavior.
Step-grandmother, too. That's a quadruple garbage. Now, I have step-grandmothers. I've had multiple step-grandmothers in my past.
No, to me, I mean, to me, it was my step-parent's mother. Yeah. I had one. Now I have an ex-step-grand-stepmother. They got divorced. You stopped getting Christmas presents then? Yeah, I never got Christmas presents from that side.
Ooh, and I said, Brax? Yeah.
I'm so sorry. I love a Brax. No, you are not sorry. You are a rude individual who I've heard is mean to blackjack dealers and or slot machines. Yeah, that's very. Listen, I like that, though. That is fun trash.
She's going to get vacuumed up.
Yeah, so it's like, it's going to get in that.
slot everybody that plays slot yeah what do you mean every single person they wait over someone's shoulder like yeah that's my machine like a telephone booth for sure they wait they watch out it's not prime that whole culture is all about that's a lot yeah my aunt loves the slots i yeah it's an old person's dream because you could stay there for a while playing nickel and you can build up points so it's like you feel like you're getting something back and you're doing it i i i don't like the development of where they give you a readout
Do the coins. Do the coins. Do the coins.
Also, think about how many coins have been in there. You ain't getting. Wash it up. No dishwashers getting that metallic taste.
No way, dude. The amount of quarters that have been in there. That's a nice cold soda right there.
No.
No, you shouldn't. I love those.
Everything's coming up, Ari. Man, the things you think are cool and you're not. Kevin's pub. Take a picture. You tell your cousins. I was in fucking Toledo and I was at Kevin's pub.
I was thinking of you. Finding like you'd be at a rest stop. I still do it from time to time. Be at a rest stop and like they had the license plate and you're like. I'm on it. There's always a Kevin.
All right, we've got time for a couple more here. This one is a great one. I wanted to do this one earlier. I forgot about it. Are You Garbage is the best podcast going right now.
Also, you can't have two of the same beers. It's contractually. We're not allowed to do it. Well, last time you were here, we drank everything but these beers. We drank everything out that we have.
Yeah. Ari wants to have a party in here and film it. I want to have a party. But no comics are going to let go and have a good time.
Yeah.
I'm putting that life behind me. I'm not drinking or smoking anymore, Ari. I'm drinking, just not as much. All right.
I'm getting off of having a beer, having two.
I'm just having like 10, 11 when I have them.
It was awesome. You want me to have a party? You want to invite me to your party?
You got invited?
We're so glad Kevin's not here.
Did we make the credits?
Man. You're so fat, you're getting mistaken for fake guys. That's crazy. Mythical characters. Mythical fat.
Oh, this just got awkward. Wasn't invited to the premiere party.
You know I love a sandwich.
Really?
It's just things I don't know. I respect it. The list is like 600 long. I think we were on the last one, or we were on somebody's. Bert's. Mr. Somebody's? No, Bert's. We were on someone else's as well.
Anyway. I thought for sure I'd get the nod from Mr. Shafir.
You know what? I don't care anymore.
Next story. Let's have a party. This story bores me. Was I there? Was I talked about? Yeah.
This is a special occasion.
I want to have a card game here.
Yeah.
We're doing blow. No, we got to keep the big man alive.
One at a time, 10-minute intervals.
I got bloated, too.
I know. Already comes, we get all screwed.
101, you pulled it in the middle of a goddamn question.
This could be a goddamn party.
That's the Christmas beers talking.
Yeah, it's not even real people. What little kid's going to know that? That guy was all over the news. The fucking Bridgegate? Are you kidding me?
You ever have them sandwiches? Jesus Christ. This guy's got a problem. This guy's bonkers. This is from Prison Wolf 001. Yousever almost drowned. That's a good one we've never talked about. When I was eight years old, Splash Lagoon almost took me out for good.
That's how they get you.
Yeah, I mean, I feel like that is a trashier type thing.
Come up, you're underwear, your bathing suit's all fucking trash. Yeah, dude.
Stop it! You come up so panicked and everyone's laughing. That's a tough one.
Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Sometimes when you're a younger kid swimming with the big boys, the waves would get to you. They'd start a wave pool. I didn't have the buoyancy to go up. They start chopping you. You're like a dog.
your your pat your fight or flight is cooking and you think you think that's it and everyone's having a good time and you're like i am going to die meanwhile you're in the three foot above ground it's not just it's just uncomfortable it's i'm going to die
Wait, I got one more.
No, that's not Bridgegate.
Plus, we're on the road. Yes, let me hit the cities real quick. Go ahead. We are going to Pontiac, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Atlantic City. Madison, Wisconsin, and Indianapolis. All tickets are on sale right now. That'll be in March and April. All tickets on sale. RUgarbage.com.
No, Bridgegate was the GWB.
He was fighting with Edgewater or someone. Fort Lee. Fort Lee and shut down one of the lanes on the bridge, which just... Fucking just crushed the town on the other side.
It's fantastic. Again, wild set design.
That's insane.
Yeah. I mean, Ari Schaffer. Guy takes chances. The guy's out there creating, taking swings. Goddamn artist he is. Why do you lock down something like that? I met Aaron Judge. We were there for that. And you turned into a dim-witted 12-year-old when that happened.
We had those big elephant ear plants like that one.
Those are real. We have someone come in and prune those every day, Ari. Yeah, every two weeks.
Ari, you don't know nothing about horticulture.
Oh, my God, you just killed us all.
Back on the wall jokes. Goddamn kids. The kids are firing today, gang.
You are a classy guy when it comes to friendship and unity. Sure. And stuff like that.
You're a nice guy. Hygiene, dress, not so much. Then it really falls apart into, like, you know, crackheadiness.
What the fuck? I was like, I'm going to shower every day.
I can't cover this rent on the first.
How many days a week you say you're showering?
How many days have you had to? I'd like to say I'm not Santa Claus, too, but I can't. You're under oath. You're in front of a jury. You're actually in court. Hey, how many days a week did you shower? Hand on the Bible.
I mean, Ma, if you're watching, I apologize.
Hey, all right. I don't appreciate that. Goddamn Catholic household. Tootie's upstairs. She's going to come down. She's going to be pissed. Get it out of here.
And you're like going or is that you're just in the house or you're like you're going to do spots and stuff?
Johnny McLiars? In the winter. We both know where this is going. He does what he likes to call shutting it down. I like to read.
Let that film build up and slide right on into it.
Between my leg and my fat upper pussy area? Dude, you can get some cottage cheese in there.
He subbed out the Tootie jokes to Patreon. Is she using her hands?
You're not wrong.
It's old, and it's a hackneyed premise, but the same sometimes you get in a car share or something, and you're going, how has nobody done it? This is wild.
Yeah, he got his first bison last... Bison everything. Yep. He killed his own bison? Mm-hmm.
With a gun. Shut up. Yeah, we went hunting and... And he's 10?
He raised a golfer. Like, that's what we're doing with Brexton. Like, we're literally raising a little racer. I'm doing that with my kids, but for alcohol. I'm a stage dad.
We need Kyle back in victory lane. Yes, sir. I'm on it today. Got it. Who's the president of NASCAR? Steve Phelps.
The Hauler. They call you to the Hauler if you get in trouble. I've been there a few times.
And, yeah, exactly. It's like couples therapy. Do you go in with the other guy or do you go in by yourself? Sometimes you go in with the other guy. How do those go?
Do you think you could compete in F1?
They just want to be seen. True. It's like a movie premiere. It's kind of like going to the Super Bowl and going to all the Super Bowl parties. Yeah. You just want to be seen. Guilty.
Yeah, you should get the BetMGM app. You can bet on anything. Get your parlays going.
You'll have to go across state line for a hot minute. You were saying you love coming to California, right? Go to Vegas. You love it out here? I wouldn't miss it for the world. Really? That's why I'm here.
Just tell me what you want, and then we can do it right out of the gate. In the end, you want to defend yourself? Nothing, nothing. You're doing a great job, babe.
Oh, buddy. Yeah, we want to see those shoulders. We're going vertical. Yeah, right? Yeah. Is that why you wore a black shirt today?
You know what? It's a lost cause. I think I can get all three in here, by the way. You're not going to get all three in there. You can. That's what you told her, too, once upon a time. I can get all three in there. Is that 11?
Sweet, where are you from?
Oh, Gary? You know Gary, yeah.
I had to talk to Michael Jordan about hiring me. Overall. So it wasn't just like a fan call. No. It was a work call. It was, yeah.
It's crazy. He's the man though. He really is the man.
I got the scar to show for that one, yeah. I ran into a wall under a scar there. I did that too. Yeah, I bet.
And there was a flap, yeah.
I mean, shit happens when you're having fun, right? Yeah. Yeah.
I grew up in Florida. I still have my eyes open in the ocean. I plug my nose when I jump in, too. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, my God.
It was calls, the three types to text for a letter.
You do it the same every time. So you don't ever forget.
No. Okay. You hear your spotter. You have a spotter up top that's telling you everything that's kind of happening, going on.
No, no, my grandfather was a revenuer.
You know what a revenuer is? No, uh-uh. They hunt for moonshine stills. They work for like the Georgia Bureau of Investigation. Okay, yeah. And their one job is to break up moonshine.
He drives. Because you're on your phone scrolling all the time, going through, popping princess over there?
That's really good.
It's town here.
It's looking holy messy.
It's really good, though. I'm scared to pick it up.
No, no, no. I definitely don't want you to hold it. I cut mine. No, no, no.
Just get in there and you start with that bite. You got a sink and a wash right there, you're good. Just do it.
I didn't bring a change of clothes.
You got a full set.
What are you doing? I just want a quarter. It's easier to manage. It's too big.
Oh my God. I don't know what has happened.
It's a road trip game.
That sauce is really good, right?
Nice little crunch. The sauce is really good.
Yes, really good.
Yeah, I hate flying. Oh, is he dead inside also?
I said I loved it.
Yeah, my aunt used to make that.
Well, that's a good one. How to see you receive it?
I'm clear. I just want to make sure. Yeah. Well, I think that you're very sensitive about it. You get really upset about it. And I don't, yeah, that's how you receive it.
Oh, okay. That'll be great.
Such a great subject. I did one episode of my podcast about it, and I got so many responses. There's so many people... Struggle with that. Yes.
Arnie and what are the Andersons from wrestling? Does that count as a sport?
Waltrips, Wallaces, Waltrips. Are there a lot of brothers in racing? Mm-hmm, all of those. The Bontys.
Sometimes.
In one race?
Yeah. 25 pounds down.
I don't know if we're bringing burgers to the pit, but you are going to the pit for sure.
Just because your whole body feels it.
Yeah, of course.
I went to the Atlanta Motor Speedway growing up. Oh, there you go.
She's like... Oh, yeah, I feel it in my body.
I don't remember that.
Oh, I think it's awesome. When that feeling starts, it's like, let's go.
Yep. Goodness. It's pretty cool.
It's hard to not see NASCAR growing up in the South. Right. Right, he's from Florida, I'm from Georgia. It's just part of the fabric of the South in particular. I mean, it's obviously a national sport, but... But I mean, it's just part of growing up. It's everywhere. I mean, I would go to dirt track races.
Dirt track's so fun.
Good, I haven't seen you since you wrecked a CJ Cruiser in the parking lot of the Beltway race.
It was the guy who worked on the show who isn't there anymore.
Yeah, come on. Come on, Kyle. Let's race again.
Well, we had to buy the last CJ Cruiser, so maybe we'll... You better just put it in the budget. All right, we'll get it done. We'll get it done.
Love you too. Later, buddy.
Where are we racing? Talladega. Talladega. Yeah, I'm a good shoe there. Yeah, I'll win.
Here's another good restriction.
Yeah, yeah. Why is my car driving itself away? Oh, that was funny. Yeah. No, those were some good times.
Yeah, mm-hmm. I raced there a couple times, yeah. We go to Irwindale and- Orange Show Speedway, ever been to Orange Show?
You're not gonna like what I'm about to do. Oh boy. I think it's gonna work. Here we go, here we go.
I would love that. God, I wish I had made that for you. I should have made straight-up Estonian food for you to see if I could have held up, but that's awesome. I'd love that.
But what game are you? So I spoke at Harvard for marketing, and they did an assessment of me. I was the guest speaker, but everyone else did an assessment of me. They broke down my demographic. And they were like, would you be surprised if I told you that your fans are into alcohol? And I was like, I would not be surprised at all. And they go, would it shock you if your fans were into fitness?
Sounds good to me. By the way, I'm an eater. Me too. We could not tell that.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.
You were the only one. Phenomenal bod. Do you know the drama you caused? What drama did I cause? I was in the booth. I don't know if this ever got to you. Oh, it did not? You were the only one that came dressed in wardrobe.
I didn't know if that got out to anybody, but... Oh, it got out because everyone's like, they were like, he's the only one that listened. We asked, we wanted to see what you're going to look like on camera. No one came in wardrobe. And I was like, I'm standing there and I go, I'm wearing this tomorrow.
How do you find someone? That's going to be the whitest thing I've ever asked. How do you find someone to braid hair? Is that like a job? Yeah, it's a job.
My only recollection of it is that Snoop Dogg video. I was like, I just figured you had to get an older sister or someone.
Let me tell you something. Our dumb ideas turn into good ideas. As a Lark said, we're going to do a 5K. And we did it. And it was popular. And now we're doing it again. And now they're like, so you guys are running a really successful 5K. What do we do with this business? And both Tom and I are like, we only wanted to run it once a year. Like, we're not looking to run races all the time.
To run multiple 5Ks. To be in the race business. Like, would you be interested in doing a half marathon? I'm like, what the fuck? You want to do a triathlon? I've done a triathlon.
You've done a triathlon? Yeah, I almost drowned. Yeah. I want to do a heptathlon.
And I said, not surprising at all. I said, I work out. And they're like, interesting. Did you know they were into UFC? And I was like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan. And they're like, so you knew all this? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, so I guess you know that your fans are really big into Baldur's Gate. And I went, what? Huh? And they're like, Baldur's Gate?
It ain't the garlic knife. It ain't the garlic knife. So wait, walk me through the heptathlon, because I'm fascinated by it.
Grazie, Griffin.
I mean, she is a legit legend in her own right. Like, legit.
All right, this is our appetizer.
At 30 minutes.
But now, tell them about the heptathlon. Yeah, because I find this fun. My dad was really big in the track and field.
Let me tell you, that blows my mind that streaming is a thing. It's crazy. It blows my mind that watching someone... When I was a kid, when you watched your friend play video games, you were like, when's my turn?
My dad was really big. Ran at Villanova for a guy named Jumbo Elliott, who's like a legend. And so I got into track simply because of my dad. So I ran the 440, the 800, and those were my two races. Okay. Is that not what it's called anymore? It's the 400. 400, I know.
No, no, no. Wasn't it the 440?
And I was like, what the fuck's that? And they're like, oh, it's a video game. So then I said, well, shit. If my fans like all the same shit I do, and they like Baldur's Gate, I gotta try Baldur's Gate. Okay. I could not get past the creating a character mode. I spent 45 minutes creating a character, and I got lost and confused, and I never started the game.
The 4x4. We called it the 440 because it was yards.
What are you?
How old are you? Probably.
You look great.
You look great.
Yes. I'm curious, why are your outdoor records better than your indoor records?
Oh, yeah, that would be complicated.
And I was like, really? So he was really big into track and field. He had an opportunity to go to any college. He could have gone anywhere in the world. He was like one of the four best high school athletes ever.
Yeah. No, and I think, didn't you win state in Texas? Yes. In Texas, where football is church.
We're gassing each other up. We're all gassing each other up. This is awesome. My wife did two years at Georgia College. She was in a sorority.
I've spent six and a half years in college. Our records aren't like yours.
Yeah, I think I might have started that trend. But wait, I want to go back into the track and field stuff because I'm fascinated. It's like an interest to me. It's funny you say that because that's one of the main things that connected us.
Hey, Daisy, can you please stand over here? So. Stand over here, Daisy. We're getting ready. Hold on. Hold on. We practiced this. Daisy. Daisy.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
No, just here we go. Here we go. So goofy. So you didn't even know about Estonia? Daisy, have you ever been to Estonia?
They got another one. One more.
Daisy, come on. Daisy, Daisy. One more, one more, one more. You got it, you got it. Right here. No, no, no, no, Daisy. Over here, over here. Daisy, this one, this one.
This one, Daisy, this one. Yeah, right now. Oh, this is about to be bad. Come on, come on. I'm nervous. Okay. No, no, no. We're just having a good time. Just, okay, yeah. All right. No, no. Okay, we'll start talking. We'll start talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always wished I could have played, like, a sport that was as big as football was in Texas. I think that is, I mean.
That was great. Good job, Daisy. Good job. She was almost Miss Poland.
It's right near Estonia. Yeah, I know where Poland is.
Yeah.
What's the point of the game?
That's got to be crazy culture shock.
Tell them the story of how you got there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not the only place we're really following.
Hey, don't you talk about my country.
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DMs are things on Instagram. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Yeah, I'll cut over here.
OK, hold on. Let's just be, I'm going to start all over. If I get a DM from someone that looks like her, it's a catfish.
I'm so sorry. I'm new to this country.
You're like, Estonia is not real.
Rocket League. Have you heard of Rocket League? No. I can't do the Wii. You couldn't get through the character creation, so I understand. The only game I've ever loved is Tiger Woods Golf and Tony Hawk Skater. Tiger Woods Golf. Now, those are throwbacks. Yeah. And by the way, you play it on the Wii and it's so slow. But I'm like, I'm out of it. I'm already on Instagram.
I just got botted.
I don't want you to be mad, but I'm a really big fan, okay? Now, I might have done some crazy stuff. Real quick, there's no Estonian check.
I love that she really doesn't do the math sometimes in these questions.
Hey, we got to move faster, guys. I'm already on Instagram. If it was going to take this long, am I making something? Yeah, I think you're supposed to be making something. I think I have something in the oven.
With the season the Commanders had this season, I want to hear your take on that experience. Because you are the only human being in the world that has done the exact same thing he did In the exact same city where, I mean, and so I think that's what I love about it, you know?
No, here's what we're making, you guys, okay? We are making you garlic knots with a beer dip cheese. It's really good.
And then I am making you, this is what I'm so excited. By the way, I am 100% keto. Not really, but lately. What? 90%. Like 90% keto. 90% keto unless I'm drunk and then I'm here. Keto adjacent. Keto adjacent.
I just want you guys to see.
I want you to see where we are. We've got sausage in here. We've got peppers. We've got onions. We've got garlic. We've got mushrooms. Then we've got a layer of mozzarella. And now I've put the cheese on. And now I'm going to put the dough on top of that, put it in the oven. And then I'm going to take it and do a flip. And it's just going to fucking pour everywhere.
This is going to be fucking nice shit.
I did not know that. Same one?
Keto adjacent. Yeah. And so we're going to make an upside down pizza.
You put all the ingredients in the pan and you build it from the top up. So then the top is going to be awesome. I'm so excited to make this.
Have a tidy house for a long time. But at some point, you're like, man, I miss this guy. We're better apart than we are together sometimes. It's not a bad thing to have a break.
You are the biggest slob. I'm not perfect.
I think she's so fucking awesome. Never said I was perfect. Can I get another drink, please?
This will explain our relationship. One time we get into an argument, and I go to hot spin class. Okay. Oh, hot spin class. And I work it out in hot spin. I love hot spin class. Okay. I work it out in hot spin, and I go, you know what? That was stupid. I'm going to give her a call. I get out, and I go, hey, baby. She goes, hey, baby, what are you doing?
I said, I just wanted to call and tell you I love you. And she went, I love you too. And I'm like, man, maybe what does she do to get through this? And I go, she goes, where are you at? Did you get done doing radio? I said, no, I went to Hot Spin. And she goes, what? I go, she goes, oh, you're in L.A.? Oh, God, I forgot. And I'm like... She was...
I've never heard of an upside-down pizza.
Help me put this on, Leanne. Okay. So we want to go all the way around. We want to cover all of it. Oh, this is fucking perfect. We just need a little bit right here. Okay. Oh, my God. That looks great over there, guys.
This is going to be really good.
No, but this is... With garlic knots.
Will and Taylor do Beer Olympics every year. I don't know if they'll do it next year, but I've gone two years in a row. And Leanne went this year, and I miss... I miss bros. I miss meatheads. I miss guys. I miss fucking- A locker room. Shit-talking men who like- Yeah, it's a locker room. You know, it's so much of my personality and so much of the online I think sometimes they don't get.
Like, I'll say I'll do something. Like, I'll say I'm in a 320-pound bench club. And everyone's like, what the fuck's wrong with him? He's just a fucking fat, you know, whatever. And I go, no, but I love that man shit where you talk shit to your friends and go, I can do something. You don't think I can do it? Fuck you. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. Yeah, I love that.
And it's wildly popular.
By the way, it took her 45 minutes to make biscuits for Pac-Man Jones yesterday, so I'm just going to keep her... No, that's because the bowl was too small.
It's almost like heels and wrestling, but like, I love it. And I miss it so much. And she pointed out, we went to beer Olympics this year and she was like, you need to spend more time with like meatheads. Right.
Me and Shane Gillis got into a fight with Taylor and Will in a pool one time. And they were beating the fuck out of us. And I yelled for Michael Chandler to help me. And this is the energy I miss. Michael Chandler got Will off me in a matter of seconds. And I said, how did you do that? And he looked at me real quick and he goes, start grabbing their dicks.
And so I just went for Taylor's dick and he let go of his shit. I mean, it's just like, I'm like, I miss guys like that. Grab their fucking dicks, man. You got a Rottweiler off a pit bull by putting your finger in its ass. You get a football player off a guy like... Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. See if it works, Leanne. See if it works.
No, you're not going to do that. That's not what you bond over. Can I just say, I would love someone to clip this out. Because this happened and I didn't say anything. But you said when we won the Heisman.
And I was like, that's interesting. Because I know how much money I made last year. But I've often said to my team, like, oh, do you remember when we were in Tampa and we did the Amelie? Do you remember when we did? But it was so interesting, you said, when we won the Heisman. And I was like, oh, yeah.
I mean, and you know, I got to be honest with you, like, I remember... I'm the kind of guy, like, if I don't know you that well, I'm not going to your funeral, right? So, like, that's the way it works. But I'm that way also with, like, media. Like, when they came to me and they're like, you know, you need to start playing video games and streaming. They're making great money.
By the way, I'm not certain this is going to work. As I'm looking at this, I'm like, so is this going to just explode on a plate?
I've never had upside down. And it looks like Dr. Frankenstein started with his feet and then worked his way to the head. It, yeah, well, we'll see, we'll see. We're gonna, I was like, what platter do we put this on to flip it?
Do we have a big plate, Stace? I think so.
This is what happens when you're on Airbnb.
How old are your kids?
Two. Four?
Four girls.
Yeah. And it also, more often than not, isn't on their terms. Correct. Yeah. Well, here's the hard part. So this is the tough part about being a comic. They may be telling you you're done playing. but no one's told you you're done playing. So, like, there's comics that I know. I mean, there's some comics I know that were hot, really hot, and then it kind of went away.
And they're like, I'm not ready to hang it up. And they haven't had their rebirth yet. I was really lucky in that I was nothing for a very long time. And then I got successful at this age. And so I was like, cool. And by the way, I also was not successful for a really long time. So I'm also cool with going back to that, because I didn't mind that so much.
I like this, but if I never do another arena tour, I did one. I'm good. I got one season in the NFL. I got one run at it. I can go back to theaters. I can go back to clubs. I love clubs. I love clubs. And you can make good money in clubs. But yeah, it's tough. I actually identify more lately with retired football players because I toured aggressively for my whole career.
From when Georgia was born, almost every weekend,
Yeah. And then, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Never really met my kids. Yeah, yeah. Just gone. I was gone. I was gone. I remember one time I came back from South Africa. George is at the bottom of the stairs. And she said, Dad, what the fuck are you doing here?
And then both our girls go to college, and I decide to take time off because I've been burning it for so bad.
For 20 years, so I take time off. And then all of a sudden, because I'm not getting the 19,000 people cheering for me, My self-worth is in the garbage. And I'm just saying, if I'm not a comic, what am I? What am I doing? And I'm trying to resettle and reset. But all I can do is identify with professional football players and professional athletes who go, I'm done. Now who am I? Now who am I?
But that's what's so badass about your fucking career. You're like, I'm done. Now who am I? Oh, I'm me. And the world loves you. Same with McAfee. Same with fucking all these guys. I said it. To Will and Taylor, I was like, who knew the best parts of your life would be now, right?
Like where you're raising your kids and you're creating content and you're putting out great podcasts and you're just, I mean, who knew that the best years of your life would be now? Right.
I love you. No.
You're making me feel like I shouldn't talk. No, no, no, not at all.
Yeah, please.
Get it back. Get it back. All the best years of your life. And now, and God, I'm sorry.
He was talking about connecting with football players, not having the cheering going on.
I would have loved that.
It's also easier if they're interesting. Right now there's a couple people watching this going, he wasn't prepared for me.
Robert picked it for me, but... I'm not so certain this is going to be good, guys.
I mean, it's like, it's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. Imagine if a fat guy made pizza and was high, and he was like, all right, guys. This might be a fork and knife, like, family-style meal. It's going to look like Floppy Joe. As I pull it out, it's going to look amazing. But I'm not sure it's going to keep its integrity. Outside the pan? As I'm thinking, I'm like, I don't think I did.
I should have put, I should have. More dough? No, no, I got a lot of dough. No.
It's a lot of dough. You'd be shocked how much dough there's in.
There's four bags of cheese.
I don't think we might get sick after this. Are you feeding the crew?
I did two bags of pepperonis. Two bags? Four sausages, an onion, a pepper, five cloves of garlic, a whole thing of mushrooms. It's a lot. Oh my goodness.
Do you want to just take a look at what I'm looking at and tell me if you think it's done?
Oh, wow.
It's too heavy for one hand.
Okay.
All right.
Here's what I was thinking, Leanne.
What if we just put, that's not going to work. Okay. Yeah, we probably need the platter.
I'm not purposely ever trying to tear the foil.
Liam, you're not gonna like how I do this, but trust me. Uh-oh.
There's that one. Leanne?
Hold on, hold on. You're not gonna like what I'm about to do. Oh boy. I think it's gonna work. Here we go, here we go.
Oh, shit!
That's a lot.
It's real fucking hot. God dang it!
Why would you do that?
He grabbed it all confident. I'm like, it must not be hot. I can't feel my tongue right now.
It looks good.
It is so fucking hot. You gotta try some of this.
There's everything in there.
It probably won't be.
You'd call it a mess?
The flip was cool, though. The flip was cool. For a second, I thought it was going to happen. You ready for this? I was going to do it over my head, but I was afraid I might end up in a Game of Thrones, Khaleesi's brother kind of thing.
Where he melted gold on his head. Definitely don't want that to happen.
I think watch.
But see, it's been cooling down now for a second.
There should be, they should make locks on pizzas that you make at home. Locks? Like a lock. Like you put a pop of DiGiorno in the thing, and then there's a lock on it so that you can't eat it and burn your mouth. Because I have no self-control. I just burn my mouth.
Oh, look at this. I had no idea what he was talking about for the longest. You know what? Okay, can I tell you how I could have made this better? How could you have done better? Hindsight's 20-20. Let's go. I would have. Are you ready for this?
I would have done pizza knots as the bottom. Oh. So that it fell apart easier and you had a knot to go grab at. You know, like you could kind of stack your knot.
It's a pull apart pizza. Yeah. You got some sauce on your chest. By the way.
By the way, if I had done this with just pepperoni, if I had done this with just pepperoni, it would have been perfect. I think it would have. I think the sausage, I think I overdid it with the sausage. I got really excited about the sausage.
She got really excited about the sausage. Hey, I need another cocktail, please.
All right, Leigh-Anne, you going to try it?
This is really fucking good. This is like a meal you should eat in the dark with no one watching. Look at his hands. My hands are aggressive.
It actually is really good. This is really good, though. It really is. I would love to go to Estonia. Are you having heartburn over there? No, I'm looking at my setup. I'm a mess.
So one of the things I won't eat is pizza on my diet. And so this is a cheat for me because it's on camera. And I'm having a moment. And I miss pizza so much.
I was like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
He was ready. I miss pizza so much. I miss pasta. I miss sandwiches. I miss sandwiches.
Because I was 285 pounds. And I was just fat. And I was just eating like crazy. And I've had so much joy. Heaven.
What? You airbite?
This is how fucking fat I am. I just watched him eat and ghost-eated him. That looked so good to what you were putting in your mouth.
I need a whisk and I don't have a whisk. I've never heard that.
My buddy Ernest says I'm a food cuck.
I think we should have let it sit for a second.
I think that was the key. Because now it looks more solidified. Yeah, it looks like it's settled. Maybe the juices would have settled in.
I wonder if you should have let it sit in the pan for a second and not take it out scalding hot. I almost give myself a bath, and can you imagine if that had landed on me? Oh, no. Oh, my God. You flipped it pretty aggressively. Yeah. I do a lot of things aggressively. That is true. But that's what we love about you.
I'm aggressive. Oh, she took it there. I wasn't going there. I was... No, I'm very gentle during lovemaking.
She said, say that to mine.
What? What? Where do you guys do your podcast?
We travel to do it? Yeah, we travel to wherever the guests are.
I grew up in Florida. I went to Florida State. Dion was my guy.
I know you guys get barbed over that. It was rough. It was very rough. It was tough. It was really rough. It just kept getting worse. It was like... You ever see a drunk person at a party just can't stop putting their foot in their fucking mouth? And you're like, just walk home. Go walk home right now.
I love Coach Norville, but it was a rough season.
Do you need help? What was all this for?
Yeah.
But I know that now the people are upset because Deion didn't get that coaching job, and it's like... I mean, that would have been, that would have been, if you could say, the greatest move in college football coaching history. Yeah. Because he's, I mean, here's the thing. I'm not speaking out of turn because I love Coach Norville. We do too. And we respect him. He's awesome.
Oh, for real?
Dion could have had that season and no one would have blinked an eye. That's true.
And the way Dion ran that program over at Colorado was, you know, was different than anyone's ever done it. He basically went in and told them, I think, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but he was like, If you don't want to be on this, what did he, he came in.
Yeah.
You're just making four? The knots.
It's been like that. Do you remember when he got hair transplants? Yes. And he cried? And me and Tom watched it and we cried. We're like, it's old Dion. We got old Dion back.
Keep going. Well, I got to say, this has been an amazing episode. You guys are phenomenal guests, and I just hope one day I get big enough where you guys invite me to be on your podcast.
Wait, how long have you guys been? Dude, by the way.
Okay, cool. You made it. All right. You made it. You are on the list.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, without a doubt. And the gelatinous fish. I haven't even had that yet, so we definitely got to make that happen.
You know Daisy's going to tear this up. She's going to come over and fuck this up. They're hoping that we don't eat the rest of it.
Leanne's got a thumb tongue. I do not.
No, okay, let's just get going. I mean, I want to make a pizza, but I got to use the oven after you.
It's been a great episode. Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate it so much. I love you guys so much. Thank you very much.
That was a great fucking episode. I'm sweating. I need to cool down. This episode was brought to you by The Machine.
I was like, dude, I'm not going to disrespect the guys. This is their passion.
Yeah.
I swear to God. Does she do this every time? She does not cook at home. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I, Ghost of Christmas Past?
And I was like, yeah, I can play video games and get high.
Oh my God.
Uh, yeah.
Every day. Black friend every day. Do you introduce them that way? I'd like you to meet my black husband. I said, I was saying, I got to say it again. I was like, is my face red? And they're like, it's very red. I go, we're going to look like Neapolitan ice cream.
What's like an Estonian dish, like a popular dish?
Have you had blood sausage before?
Yes. Yeah, they love it. Can I tell you one of the weirdest things that I'll ever say today? Probably the sexiest person to ever eat blood sausage was Patrice O'Neal.
Man. Wow. He loved blood sausage, and I loved blood sausage. He loved the sausage. And he would sit there. I mean, it could be a scene in a movie of, like, a gangster. He'd sit there with ketchup on it and just... And we would eat blood sausage in Scotland. We lived in Scotland together for a month. And man, he fucking loved blood sausage.
I fucking love it.
Intestines? They boil the blood. They boil the blood and keep boiling it and boiling it and boiling it. And it's really fucking delicious.
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Oh, God.
You know what I'm talking about? I've had it before, and it's rough.
That's what it looks like.
I don't need it. Did you have... This was really big in Russia. Did you have those just dried and salted whole fish?
It's like fish jerky.
In the mornings...
There were no FDA regulations. They were literally hanging by a cart.
Now I've got to try that. I don't think they have it anymore. They would tell me they cure hangovers. And I go, for real? And they're like, yeah. So we'd start eating it. I'd go, salty as shit. I'd be like, have a beer, have a beer. And I'd go, no, the beer's... We're just getting drunk again. We're not curing a hangover, guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right away.
Broke. Rotisserie chickens is the fucking industry standard.
Kill it all.
And drive it just...
I like that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Yeah. Well, okay. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's just interesting. It's an interesting thing.
That's Vacuum.
Right, okay. How do you spell that?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, yeah, we've been on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ancient Greek. I should give you, like, the actual, there we go.
Stop. Oh, my gosh.
Boom. There we go. Okay, so we're going to come back up here. Pasticles.
All right. What do we got?
Paste. Paste. It's finding. It says, please be patient, Steve. Oh, I see. I am impatient by nature. What is this? This isn't even the word. Christo.
This website's a little bit slow. Maybe their traffic is so minimal they bought the cheapest hosting provider. Sure.
Okay.
Progress.
Interesting.
Unlike the American culture? Yeah, yeah.
Right, right.
Oh, okay. I see. Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Right.
Yeah, gotcha.
Lestes. Just give me a second. I just threw it over here.
Oh, God.
I love this part right here. Some scholars suggest that the letter implies that Jesus was involved in homosexual activity.
Okay.
Right.
There was semen found in this one. What? I'm pretty sure. There was not.
The fibunites. I swear it was... No. I swear. No, Steve. I want to say it. A lot of stuff made up around here.
Probably blood.
That's wild.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Folks, this is Mighty Heidi, and I'm here. I'm going to be here to represent you with Jason. Well, all right. He's here now. All right, Jason. Come on over. Come on over, sir. Hey, would you sing us your newest number for us? Another one bites the dust. What did you say? No. Oh, my gosh. Here we got a guest. A guest that everyone's just dying to listen to, and he says... No. No.
...for the Heartland School Report. Today was punk rock day at Heartland Elementary. Kids are dressing up in all kinds of punk costumes. While this was taking place, Mr. McGee was phoning the police. He claims that some punker stole his box of treasures. They consist of his rubber ducky, Twix candy bar, baby pictures, and his purple pumpkin-hotted boxing shorts.
Later on during the day, he found that he had only misplaced them. They say that Mr. Morris is at the Monster Memorial Hospital. It appears that he flipped over a banana peel and scratched his pinky. Poor Maureen. Anyways, Miss McCaughey is running here, and they're trying to give innocent kids attentions. If they fail to agree with her, she'll tell Santa.
Mr. Hanscom is falling in love with one of the teachers, Miss Atkins. Every chance Miss Atkins gets, she can find her pushing him. Anyway, I would do that, too, let me tell you. All right, Atkey baby. Ms. Sharman is one of our new teachers this year. So far, she has managed to accomplish Um, accomplished. Um, sorry about that little mishap here.
I can't seem to figure out anything she accomplished. In the top five songs, you have to turn this tape over because they're on the other side. That is if you want to hear them, so just turn it over.
Did she say anything to you in addition to the typical background information that you would try to obtain from somebody? Yes. What did she say?
Jury selection is officially underway in the sex trafficking trial of Sean Diddy Combs.
If you understood this to be a medical episode, and at that point you didn't have any information it was a crime scene, why were you taking the time and effort to process the scene under these conditions?
And firebombed with a Molotov cocktail?
That's an amazing image, like a designer scarf coming out of a malt liquor bottle being used to blow up, allegedly, Kid Cudi's Porsche. So what did Kid Cudi testify?
So the allegation is that Diddy broke into Kid Cudi's house.
This case centers largely on the testimony of his ex-girlfriend, Cassie, and the horrific abuse she suffered. Cassie's a singer in her own right, best known for the song, Me and You, which was a huge hit when I was younger.
I don't really know how to be anything else other than a habitual oversharer. It's both the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. I've got to the point where I've shared so much, like, I just don't know where that line is. Listen to How to Fail wherever you get your podcasts.
So that's Kid Cudi's testimony. And then after that, the court heard from this anonymous victim.
So what's the deal with Mia and what are the allegations around her?
Oh, my God. Sounds like a Roman emperor. I mean, and I think what's so interesting about that is we, as popular culture, like we got little glimpses of that in various TV shows of it's like, oh, Diddy has somebody just to hold his umbrella, like whatever, whatever. And it was kind of painted in the past as these sort of foibles and eccentricities of...
Totally. I mean, I think it makes you a nightmare is the long and short of it is just every single one of your roles.
whims is being preemptively catered to and i think even if stars like don't know that it's happening a lot of the time that's how their publicists and assistants and everyone else justifies their paycheck like i won't name the person but i was on set with a very very big a-list actor and i remember on his rider it was like oh he wants this coconut water
You know, I get there, he keeps us waiting for two and a half hours for a huge Forbes photo shoot. And his publicist runs up frantically and is like, this isn't the right coconut water. Like, it needs to be the different brand of coconut water and it needs to be chilled. So we need to have the fridge here with the right brand of coconut water.
washed her career and made her his servant, controlling every part of her life, right down to the color nail polish she wore. It's really so horrible to hear.
And it's like, I don't think that this star is going to throw a fit because it's a slightly different brand of coconut water. But anyway, it's a whole system that just... And it breeds you becoming more and more and more demanding.
There are so many other vivid, unbelievable details coming out of this trial, including the allegation that Diddy orchestrated firebombing the car of Cassie's ex-boyfriend, singer Kid Cudi, using a malt liquor bottle called an Old English 40 and a designer scarf. It's really intense stuff.
I don't really know how to be anything else other than a habitual oversharer. It's both the biggest blessing and the biggest curse. I've got to the point where I've shared so much, like, I just don't know where that line is.
And to figure out what's really going on with this trial, I spoke to Sean Sotaro, a reporter at Complex, who is actually down in the courtroom every day covering USA v. Sean Curbs. And by the way, I definitely laugh as a coping mechanism when I get uncomfortable. So you're going to hear some of that here.
I think one of the things that some people watching this or listening to this might think is, well, why did these people stay for so long? Like, if there were assistants who saw Cassie being hit with a frying pan, you know, why would they not say something?
Yeah. And something we haven't mentioned is kidnapping. Like that's another accusation that's been lobbed around. Sure.
And this is the time of the dog and the unwrapping Christmas presents.
So for those who haven't been following the trial so far, just bless you, you're living your great life. Yeah, probably sleeping better than you are. I mean, broad strokes, what has happened so far? What have we heard?
Like the allegation being that she'd like saying that she'd stolen the jewelry.
Totally. And there's, I mean, there's also so many, we haven't even talked about all the guns that are a part of this, and I'm sure that is going to come up. But let's, just to go back to Diddy for a second, is he going to testify? So...
Yeah. I mean, and he's pled not guilty.
Right, right. And so, I mean, this isn't the first case that you've been in the courtroom for at length and not even the first hip hop related case.
Right, right, right. I mean, how is this different to other cases that you've covered?
You're exactly right. It's the kind of case where everyone has an opinion. I was listening to a podcast the other day where they're like, people have a feeling that very often powerful, rich men are able to get away with things and not face time. And, you know, this person was sort of saying, oh, I think he's going to get away with it. I think he's going to get off.
And that will be such a shame, but I think he's going to get off. I mean, what do you think? I'm asking you to play fortune teller a little bit, but what are you expecting?
Right. And that's kind of where the Rico of it all comes in, right? Because those are charges that I, in my head, most associate with like organized crime or like the mafia or something.
If you enjoy the show, please leave us a rating and review and tell your friends. If you want to follow me on Instagram, you can find me at Natrobe. That's N-A-T-R-O-B-E. And if you want to support Vanessa's work, you can buy her book, Blurred Lines, Rethinking Sex, Power, and Consent on Canvas. See you next week.
So first of all, where's the trial taking place?
Right now, in a courtroom in downtown Manhattan, one of the biggest and darkest celebrity court cases of our time is underway. USA v. Sean Combs.
Oh my God, like reporters or just people who want to see? Is it an
So, I mean, you walk into the courtroom, like, what does it look like? Let's talk about that day of Cassie's testimony that you saw.
I imagine especially with Cassie's testimony, because some of the things that she alleges were really, really horrible. She alleged a number of assaults in intense detail of Diddy beating her up, throwing luggage at her, kicking her in the back hard enough to leave a big bruise.
Oh, yeah. Do you want to talk me through some of the other allegations?
I mean, I think that's what was so startling about that video is that so rarely in domestic violence cases are there any witnesses because they happen in the home. And it's so rare that other people see that. So seeing that footage was... shocking and horrifying. And then I'm sure also like, yeah, these other instances, assistants talking about them is also further confirmation.
Sean Combs, aka Diddy or Puff Daddy, has been a permanent fixture in pop culture for the last 30 years, first as a rapper and record executive, and then as an entrepreneur, with business endeavors in liquor and TV. At one time, back in 2022, he was declared a billionaire. But all of that changed in 2023, when Diddy was accused of sexual misconduct.
What are the other core parts of her allegations?
Oh, right. Because the freak offs are him watching her with other people. Yes, yes, yes.
And yeah, I mean, control right down to what color nail polish she wore.
It's not a family show, but yeah. Let's just say details of who to touch, who, when, and what to do when.
Oh, I mean, it's just so disgusting. I think it's worth reminding listeners, like, how did Diddy arrive in her life?
Two of his homes were subsequently raided by the government, and he was later indicted. And now he's standing trial on federal sex trafficking and racketeering charges.
So another major detail in this case has been the Kid Cudi part of it, who's another artist and he also testified, right?
Oh, like it could be seen as snitching for him to testify against Diddy?
Oh, got it. Okay. So tell me what the kind of allegations to do with Kid Cudi are.
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
That doesn't make any sense at all, but it's adorable. Matt Walker. Thanks, guys. Let me give a little context to this bucket pool. The odds of this happening are absolutely insane. Matt was on last week. So Matt came out with the world's most diabolically... You just have to take my word for it. It was the worst... haircut you've ever seen in your entire life. Barely anything was left.
And I mean, it was just fucking, it's like if I took this on a bald head and just made like 11 lines, I swear to God, it was like combed down like to here to make it look like.
Like a Sharpie at one point, like an egg.
What's amazing, Matt, is you should have waited. I know, bro. The odds of this happening are beyond insane. People think that this show – I've heard rumors that this show is fucking produced and that the bucket pools are fake. If it was, this wouldn't be happening right now.
Well, it clearly is. If you would have waited another couple weeks, you would be a star. All these people would know you. And they'd be like, oh, shit. Yeah, I know, bro. I know. You got a little excited here. And you did all your I don't have hair jokes. And they're like, yeah, so what?
Didn't I tell you I was just going to put you up in a month?
That's what I'm saying. No, I hear you.
It'll resonate. It'll resonate with the people at home. Yeah, yeah. That's for sure. But these people are like, who gives a fuck about your bald head, dude? I was aware of it. So what? What else? Do another joke. But you people are gonna see. Yeah. You're gonna see. This guy, the only time in the show's history in which we insisted on shaving somebody's head.
Well, it's much easier to spin now with a... Yeah, spin on top.
Jesus Christ. Fucking acceptance speech over here. Look at your fucking, the carpet matches the drapes down there. So Matt, have you thought about anything that we didn't talk about in your interview last week that might be interesting?
Wait, you had an invalid license?
On November 16th, he didn't let you off?
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody.
Not to be confused with egg roll that wanted to arrest you yesterday. So... Your car got towed and you had to get it out?
She's an older lady, but... What do you do with this lady?
I think we're figuring this out slowly. Been building fences for diabetic brown people out there? All right, Matt Walker. Well, we met you last week. You already have a joke book. You have a new outlook on life. I was going to give you a spot in a few weeks, but you just fucking did it. Nah, come on. We can still do that one, right? Okay, well, stop signing up.
You're a lucky fuck, so stop signing up, all right? I think the universe wants it, bro. Jelly, you know, jelly roll. Okay, get out of here. There goes Matt Walker. Jesus Christ.
Yeah, you're not going to believe it. It's literally... It's proof that the show's not set up, I do believe. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Danny V. Danny V is next on Kill Tony. Here we go.
Thank you, thank you. So I am aware that I look like one of Joe Rogan's sperm. I look like an Oompa Loompa that joined the Nazis. So, there was this, the reason I think, I think the reason why police officers don't have turtles as pets is you can't kneel on their necks. I saw this homeless guy with a sign that said, hot, hungry, and homeless. It's like, that's pretty self-absorbed.
If you think you're that sexy, just have some sex and get out of poverty. I mean, if Kamala Harris did it, why can't you? I think the only reason why white guys date black women is to ensure that their kids don't have bigger, or that do have bigger dicks than them. Sorry, I fucked that up. Now's my time.
Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Cinco de Mayo, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is indeed the one and only, the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, yeah. Feels good in here tonight. We're going to have a lot of fun.
All right, Danny B. This is your first time on the show, Danny? On the show, yes. Welcome. How long you been doing stand-up?
About a year. Where at? Vegas. Okay. Welcome, welcome. One year and Las Vegas. What do you do for a living, Danny?
For a living? I just moved to Austin, so right now I've been doing DoorDash.
You've been doing D-D-D-DoorDash. Okay. Do you eat the food?
Good Door Dasher. Do they give you guys ratings? Yes, they do. Okay. Do you ever deliver late night Wendy's to... Me and Red Band have a straight up line.
He just texts me whenever he needs it.
Wow, you even knew what I was talking about. That's incredible. I love it. So, Danny, you've been doing it a year. What made you come here today?
I mean, the show and the comedy opportunities that are out here in Austin.
Yeah. You're visiting for a few days?
No, I live out here now. Oh, nice.
So you were in Vegas. When did you move to Austin?
Four weeks ago. What's your living situation like?
You live in your car? Yeah. Okay. Where have you been parking it at nighttime? That's something I always like to ask people that live in their car. It's a tricky situation out here.
I park it in like a gym parking lot.
Well, he seems very pro-police with the George Floyd joke. Yeah, there's no... I don't know. Do cops not have turtles? Is that a thing?
I mean, I've never seen one with one, so, I mean, it would just... The connection makes sense to me.
Have you ever seen an Asian cop before?
I mean, you never see them with cats, though, do they?
So just like a lot of outdoor stuff, like hikes, walk around, do shit like that. Listen to comedy, try to do that.
Okay. All right. And what kind of car is it that you live in?
It's a 2015 Hyundai Accent. 2015 Hyundai Accent. I love it.
Okay. So were you born and raised in Vegas? Born and raised in Vegas. How does that happen? What are your parents like? I've always wondered that.
How does someone get born in Vegas? So my mom is a recovering addict, alcoholic. And my dad, my real dad is in prison. He's been in prison since I was three years old.
I like that one. You have a little Vegas, we have a little Vegas soundboard. Jackpot. I love it. So your real dad has been in prison? Yeah, since I was three. For what?
Oh, there you go. Wow. Do you know the context of the murder? Can you describe what happened?
So both my parents were using pretty heavily like meth and like kind of crazy shit like that. And then one day he came home and broke my mom's nose. So... So, uh, she took me... Yeah? She took me to, like, one of her friend's house, and she had, like, two guys, like, sleeping over, because she was, like, kind of scared, and my real dad was... Oh, that's a great idea.
Nothing makes a guy that'll punch you in the nose happier than two fucking dudes at the house. Right? Do you know why he punched her in the nose in the first place? Just out of curiosity?
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
Just only good at cooking meth and not food?
She fucked up the meth while she was cooking.
Sounds like a wild house. Maybe it is better you live in your car. So, okay. Punches her in the nose. You don't know why. Go to a house with two dudes and then...
And then so he was drinking and drugging that whole night. And then he kind of like stalked her and saw that there were two dudes there. He thought she was fucking them. Yeah. And he broke in, killed one guy, and then stabbed another guy in the shoulder. Okay. All right. Paralyzed his arm.
Paralyzed. His arm's still paralyzed. Wow. Have you ever met that guy? I have not.
When you do, make sure to shake the right hand.
I'll just play with the other one. What did he do to the other guy? Stabbed him in the heart? How did the one guy get off with just a shoulder?
So, like, after, like, the one guy, like, he was just dead. And I think he, like, stabbed him in the heart a couple times. That'll do it.
Stops the heart from beating and pumping blood easier to clean up the mess. I got you.
It was pretty messy. It was a pretty messy experience. But, yeah, so, like, after he stabbed, like, the second guy, like, the house woke up and he, like, he dipped. And he just went to a bar after and just, like, drank until the cops came.
Wow. I love that people were mad they got woken up.
Yeah, just when things couldn't get any worse. I'm just trying to get some goddamn sleep around here. Did you stop the kitchen stabbings? Is that where it was? Was it in the kitchen? I feel like it was in the kitchen.
No, he stabbed them in different bedrooms.
Oh. Were any of them sleeping with your mom?
Wow. That is fucked up. Red band with a wise observation over here. That's fucked up. Yes, that is fucked up. Unbelievable. So he was in prison when you were three. Do you go visit him sometimes?
I visited him once when I was like 12. And I really like just... Do they have anything fun in a Vegas prison? I mean, even at their airports. They have vending machines where you could buy like whole mini pizzas, like the red bear.
Did you have a pizza there? I did have a pizza there. Fuck yeah. Amazing. And it was good? It was decent.
You know, it was like the red bear once.
Did your dad ever ask you for money or anything?
No, he, I haven't talked to him in like 10 years.
And he has a life sentence, right?
No, he actually has, I want to say like 20 more years. Oh, wow.
That's actually, that's a big worry that my mom has is that he's going to come out and finish the job.
No, really? Does he know that they weren't fucking them? Like, does he go, shit, I fucked up?
I mean, he, like, the one time I did talk to him, he, like, expressed.
Tried to stab you. The one time you talked to him?
He expressed that he was sorry and he wished he could take stuff back and he was just not in the right state of mind. I mean, he was all messed up and stuff.
Exactly. And you haven't talked to him since you were 12?
I talked to him probably like a decade ago, so probably like when I was 20. That was about it.
It's a shame you can't make a phone call to prison whenever you want. That would be great.
I could tell him to call back next time.
Yeah, we'll figure it out. So, Danny, is DoorDash the end-all, be-all for you? Hell no, dude. What type of job are you looking for? What do you want to get into?
Ultimately, I do want to be a comedian, but the backup plan is to be a plumber or electrician. Do you have talents in those fields? I mean, I'm mechanically inclined. I was in the Army National Guard. I didn't deploy or anything, so I don't deserve any credit. Yeah, thank you.
What did you do there? Oh, wow. There you go, a little stubby middle finger for you. Okay, well. If anyone needs an electrician or a plumber in Austin.
Happy to have you guys here. Just a few, Harry is spelled H-A-R-R-Y, by the way. Not Harry, H-A-I-R-Y. Good job. You thought he was a Harry Potter, like a guy with a lot of hair? We haven't even begun yet. It's unbelievable. Anyway. What is that even for? What are you doing over there? I just see you typing in H-A-I-R-Y Potter. Like a Harry, like he's not even Harry. His first name's Harry.
I mean, I'm open to any job. I'm pretty versatile.
Okay. Well, there you go. How can people find you?
I mean, you want to plug my Instagram? Sure. Is that good for you? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Comedian Danny B. There you go.
Comedian Danny B. He's only a year in. Living out of his car. Seems like a nice guy. Seems like he's got his life together. A lot of common sense. Good answers. There he goes. Danny B. And Danny. Thank you. Danny, even though the performance was just okay, you got a lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book for you. Danny B., everybody. All right.
Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Mason Davis, everybody. We're moving along. Make some noise for Mason. Here we go. Mason Davis, everybody. Here he is. One more time for Mason.
All right, Mason Davis. There it is. Okay. Let's talk about it. Is any of that true? Is it a black, really, you have a black beautiful queen neighbor?
Okay. Portland or out in the middle of nowhere?
Yeah, that's the true middle of nowhere. This has been a very meth-heavy episode so far. Everyone has had some almost direct correlation to meth in some way, either with their parents or fixing fences or something. You were close to a lot of meth there in the middle of Portland, am I correct?
People dropping meth on the road.
you would see a lot of meth-y type of characters.
Okay. How did you get into Boot Barn?
And they're like, you have no experience with boots, but you're white? Perfect for the job. There you go. All right. Guys, what do we think about Mason Davis?
Oh, um... So the black queen was because of the bee?
I was kind of just wondering the joke. And I'm not insulting you. You're just wondering what the fuck.
Yeah, no, I agree with Dave on this. I noticed that he laughed and I laughed both at your setup. A combined 38 years of stand-up experience between me and Dave and you both had us giggling at the setup and then it kind of went nowhere.
Because you do look like somebody who would marry a black woman, and people are like, why the fuck are they together? Like, have you ever seen those people? Yeah. And then you have one of those weird, white, blondie, freckly fucking creeps. Creeps. I mean, that the... That no one wants.
Did you try with her? Did you try, Mason? No.
Can you look straight out there and say exactly what you said to her? Yo, what up, bitch?
Okay, look out there and give us an example of what you said to this beautiful black queen.
Oh, hell no. What the fuck? Creepy-ass motherfucker looking like all the characters of Friends mash together.
Have you ever been with a black woman before? I have not. No. Have you been with a white woman before? I have. When's the last time you were with a white woman?
Wow. Why do you think that is, Jason?
I think you've got to get rid of that Jedi fucking doormat. That's why I moved. That's why I moved. Yeah.
That is amazing. So now you live here? Yes. Yes. And do you have roommates still? Nope. You live by yourself?
How much did you save exactly? I'm always so interested when people tell me they save money. This isn't an unorthodox show. It's not normally a common thing to ask somebody how much money they saved. But this is that type of show. Just out of my own curiosity. Can I guess?
I'm going to say you saved $8,500. I wish.
Working at a Texas boot barn, like, what's your most common question from somebody? Like, which one of these is best for kicking them over the border? Oh, it's for fence climbing.
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I was being nice. What do you think made you want to be a stand-up comedian, Mason?
Do you have any childhood trauma?
Parents are happy all together? Yeah. No murders or anything? No. Nothing at all? You just made your friends in Oregon laugh?
You're doing a lot of spots here in Austin?
What do you mean by trying? I'm hitting a lot of open mics. Right. Is that working for you? Yeah.
What else do you do for fun, Mason?
What part was overwhelming? Can you give me an example of the overwhelming part?
I love it too. Well, Mason, very good. Fun times. Anything else we should know about you before I get you out of here?
So how did you pay your friend back?
You just paid for it straight up. How much was that?
All right, Mason. Well, it has begun for you. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Thank you, appreciate it. There's a little joke book, Mason Davis. Let's get one more bucket full up here. This young man's been on this show a few times. Uh, one week ago, one week ago, he said to me, at Mitzi's, the bar connected to the mothership, he said to me, I'm ready, I'm ready for another minute. I go...
Why are you telling me this? He goes, I just want to let you know I'm ready. I go, don't tell me. Just keep signing up and show me. The bucket of destiny has spoken. He has been pulled out of a bucket out of 250 people. Let's see how it goes. This is a new minute from Michael Ridley.
Look at what you have become. They used to make fun of you. You used to wear your t-shirt in the pool with your little Asian nipples poking through. But soon, my child, soon, the moon will encapsulate the sun and the king will take his rightful place upon the throne.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week, I am two of the funniest people in the world. You know what I love about this month? This is new guest month here on Kill Tony. And these are two brand spanking new ones. One is a comedy veteran who just moved to Texas from beautiful New York City.
Yes, my child, yes. There is a God locked away inside of you, and we will set him free.
There you go. A full minute, 16 seconds from Michael Ridley. Hey, what's up, Tony? How are you, dude? What, are you running this thing? I love it.
Good to see you, too. Okay, Michael.
Yeah, I can tell you're very happy.
All right, relax, Michael. Let's jump right into it. How do you feel like that went when you were randomly coming up to me telling me that you're so ready? Is that how you thought it would go?
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
All right, Michael, Michael, Michael, stick over here. Thanks for putting your fucking water next to me.
How long have you been sick for? You're sweating like an AIDS patient.
So how long have you been sick for? What have your symptoms been?
And then you decided to come out tonight in public around a bunch of people who can't get sick.
But I'm being serious. No symptoms at all today? No, no, no.
You say a lot of stuff in between questions. Sorry, Tim. Do you really have little Asian nipples? You said that during your set. Is that true?
How was the hair on those things?
Fucking... How is the hair on those things? The world wants to know.
How many of you want to see these hairy Asian nipples? We've been talking about them. It's that time. He's been going to the gym. Let's see what happens here, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa! Look at that. That demon is full of shit.
The other is one of the most famous streamers in the world who came to visit the show last week. The whole staff fell in love with him. And we decided to have him here. And one week later, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest. It's Dave. Dave Landau and Sketch. Oh, boy.
Soon the king will take the throne.
Hell yeah, you look like a fucking bag of rice.
I wasn't really expecting much from a guy that goes to the gym with Bobby Lee.
They always do that. So Michael Ridley, what else is going on in life? Have you really been going to the gym?
The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.
Do you think every comedian after a Monday night taping comes up to me and goes, just to let you know, I'm fucking ready. You think that's what I do all night after the tapings is just field comedians going, I'm ready.
Yeah, so was I, and I was bored as fuck at the conversation. Last thing I want to do while trying to fucking drink my sorrows away is have fucking sweaty little fucking Asian men. Ready when you are. I am ready. That's me, Sketch. I'm doing that. I'm doing that, Sketch. Sketch is looking around. Sketch has puppy-like behavior sometimes. Just like... What's that?
Just wants to see those Asian nips again.
Yeah, dude. Run it back. They are big. When you have glasses that thick, those are big Asian nips. They're medium to us. Meaty. Just my type, though. That's right. Absolutely. I thought you quit all that.
I'm making a return, too. Hey. Return of the Dragon. Michael Ridley, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket again. There he goes, Michael Ridley, everybody. Getting to watch a man relapse in real time. That'll be a story to follow. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, an international superstar.
I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.
Cam Patterson. Cam's dad. I say it all the time. Such a character. Such a vat of hilarity to draw from.
I believe it. I swear to God. I know your dad. I know that happened. Very, very funny, man.
Well, going up after... Oh, look, there he is, his dad, everybody. Nigga, we back.
Are you going to give him his damn bass guitar, Josh? What the fuck? Josh, you have two jobs. What the fuck going on right now, man? Jesus fucking Christ, man. The show going to shambles, nigga. God damn. This poor guy, he just sits D up here to get roasted to death. You have any idea how stupid your head is? Dee's just sitting there like, whoa, what the fuck's going on?
At least give him his, there it is. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Dee Madness is normally an absolute master of style. Dee... Can we get him a mic? Is that mic part of the thing? Let's use this one here, Dee, so that it makes it to the show. Is that on the air? Is Dee's mic on the show?
Dee Madness. Try to edit those out. Matt, shut the hell up. Yeah. I'm kidding. We're all fucking friends here. D Madness, we don't often get to talk to you deep and personal. I like a moment like this where it's a little bit off the beaten path. Now, normally, for those of you that might not know, or maybe it's your first episode. D Madness is a master of style. I don't know how you pull it off.
Don't give him the auto-tune mic from the musical performance. Give him a real mic, Deez. Come on. All right.
Well, I do like the texture of the hat. I don't know what it looks like. Hey, Deez! That's all I know is texture.
It does look like it has great texture. It is a good hat. It actually is cool. It is a little bit pinker than you would wear if you knew what it looked like. One of the most famous homophobes in the show's history.
This guy's used to just fucking sitting there, no pants on, whatever's going on in the wild world of streamers. I don't know. I don't ever see any of it, but I guess the kids love it.
It looks like Tiffany Haddish's underwear.
Damn, Redman, that was terrible. Weird-ass reference. If you threw a fanny pack on, you'd look like every older black woman going to Vegas. Well, ain't that wonderful?
I'm going to keep all this in mind next time I talk. What'd you say, D? I'm going to keep all this in mind next time.
Oh, shit. Oh, he's going to get you back, Cam. Next time you smell funny, you're getting roasted.
Yeah, you know, they all mean the same to me.
D Madness, do you have any final words you'd like to say to Cam Patterson who decided to shift all of this part to you and that roastable hat?
Actually, Cam, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to look at my t-shirt.
I know what it say. I know what it say, nigga. Nigga, I know what it say.
Hey, it's a little more formal, but I'm ready to... I came here ready to fuck up. So I guess we're... Nailed it.
We're going to go to the second most blind person in the room here, Sketch.
I can see pretty far. Pretty far. There it goes. Tell him, sketch, you see real good. Hey, fuck him.
Hey! Ah! Me and Cam hung out last night, and he spent the night at my house. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. No, whoa, hey. You did. Hey, know the funk.
How about a hand for Sketch, his first live audience. You guys are it. That's pretty exciting. Dave Landau, a 20-year stand-up comedy veteran. Quite the opposite, quite the mix here we have. Welcome, Dave. Thanks for having me. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Very funny, man. I've seen his stand-up, A New Resident to Texas. Am I correct?
And we drank a little bit, but I did not stay the night. And then he sent his homeboy to come grab his jacket this morning. That's actually true. Wow.
Cam, don't wipe your nose with the towel that you wiped the COVID mic with. No, I didn't. I didn't.
Oh, shit. Sketch is crushing live. That was good. Oh, my God. Cam, you're so gay, we're going to give you D Madness' hat as a gift. Fuck it.
Oh, we're having fun here tonight. How loud can this place get for the always impactful Cam Patterson? One more time for Cam, everybody. The man, the myth. And the show goes on. Back to the bucket. This guy's been getting on this show for years. We've seen him a lot. Very lucky, lucky man. And he's back again. Make some noise for a new minute from Tim Warner. Always fun styles of Tim Warner.
So, Trump was elected president. All right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yet, Biden is still in the White House. Like, I think this is really awkward. Like, you ever been in a relationship that ends before the lease does? One of you's on the couch, the other's in the bedroom. Every time you come out, they're just like, all right, listen. No, come on, man. The guy you're with, he's garbage. Hear me out.
Just hear me out. A lot of women now apparently are going celibate to protest Trump's election, which I just think is crazy, you know? Just when you thought they couldn't get any worse at driving. Recently saw a sticker for a Zen competition. How the hell does this work? I'm at peace. I'm at more peace than you. All right, that's all I got.
I've been coming to Austin finally, which is its own state.
Okay, Tim Warner. All right. Okay. Hi, Tim. How's it been going? All right. How are you? Good, good, good. Remind us all, how long have you been on stand-up again? 14 years now. 14 years. Okay. Why? I was going to say, normally it goes better than that. That was something. What do you think went wrong there, Tim, 14-year veteran?
Exactly. Isn't that the truth? We're going to have a wild time tonight. Over 250 human beings signed up for this bucket. Oh, Jesus. I just spilled 12 names on the fucking thing. Anything can happen. I've been doing a thing where I have an audience member pick the first name. You have a great Kill Tony shirt on, sir. Go right ahead. Guy in a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie over here. What do we got?
Oh, Jesus. A lot of things, dude. But you know. Yeah. Oh, being sober hasn't helped. Dealing with a lot of shame. Without, like, getting fucked up and escaping reality and just, you know, accepting things. That's been a bitch.
How long have you been sober now?
We are on two years and one month. We remember that.
We remember when you went sober. A lot of those initial sober performances were good, rock solid. What do you think is going on with you? You've been going to meetings and stuff? What's happening?
Yeah, been doing everything. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I've had a difficult four months. Like I said, just dealing with shame, dude. Part of it with the clarity, it's like all these new memories of just not being great, not being a good human. And I don't know. It's like in a movie at the end of it when you had the big reveal. And it's just like, oh, I thought I was a decent person.
It's just like, no, you're kind of a piece of shit your whole life. And taking it all on at once, like all of the moments, it's just pretty heavy, you know? And it's very tough for me to forgive myself, you know, for the past. It's just tough, you know? Hilarious.
How do you forgive your barber? Got him. Why would a woman being celibate make her a worse driver? Did I miss something there? Did I miss part of the setup?
I just think they're really, at least here, I think a lot of them are aggressive. So I figured not fucking would make them even more aggressive. And that would just be double aggressive. aggressiveness.
There's a woman shaking her head yes out there. As though to say that if she wasn't sexually active, she would be a worse driver. I find it to be an interesting take. I was kind of waiting for something there. Zed? Is that what you said? Zen. Zen. I heard Zed. That makes more sense. Zed's dead. I think, yes. Zed's dead. Yes. I think a lot of people, I don't know, they didn't really get anything.
I liked the premise of the Biden still being in the White House while Trump's definitely the inevitable president. But that kind of went, that was kind of like you have to like have roommates to get that. Perhaps, and this seems like no one in this audience has had a roommate in their entire lives by the reaction that we got. Anything else you've been working on?
Maybe another new thing or something? Maybe something else? A quick little joke? You're funnier than that minute. Every time you've been on this show, it's been funnier than that.
Yeah. Yeah. You've been gone for a while, right? Like four or five months. I haven't seen you on social media doing positive shit all over my Instagram. Is that normally what he does? Yeah, he usually puts those live, laugh, love type shit. He's like, I'm sober now. He's doing all these messages. And I actually thought about you recently, and I was like, what the fuck have you been up to?
Is there something else that has happened recently? Are you not sober? Are you trying to get him to relax?
No, I guess I'm just... I don't know. I... Have you been living, laughing, and loving?
Actually, yes, but yeah, there's just been a struggle. I've been by myself, basically. All right, the shame thing. I've never thought I'm good enough. I don't think I'm good enough, right? So I did the dumb- So you are a comic. Thank you. So I did the stupid competition in Austin thing. Fucking worse than this. Completely bombed. Didn't make it to the next round, whatever else.
Let's do it. That looks fine. Not inside. Go wrangle them. And while they wrangle that comedian from across the street, let me remind you guys that that bucket pool gets 60 seconds. Everyone does. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. It means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. which interrupts them.
What do you think went wrong there? Oh, God.
First of all, no one should have moved on. That was such. They began the show. The first person on the show brought like everybody. Right. So the first person up brought everybody, went over their time. They're completely eliminated. There's 13 people after that no one cared about. And I was last, and I didn't give a shit. I came up with a shit attitude.
For those of you that don't know, which I'd imagine is 99.7% of our listeners at least, there is a famous old competition here in Austin called Austin's Funniest Comics.
which was a thing, which was a thing that mattered before this invasion of real comedians coming from LA and New York, more experienced people from a more tougher club in which has better performers, so you have to be better to be able to be on the lineup and stand out.
So this Austin's Funniest Comic thing is still a thing that people try to win and try to get on, but it is based on, it is voted on by the audience. So people invite an audience to come. So the more people you know, the better your odds are of winning. And Tim, by the sounds of, your lonely, lonely diatribe. I'm guessing you got about nobody to go there, right?
Oh, I didn't advertise it like that. I don't want to stack the audience. I like to win based on me being funny. Trust me.
I get it. I did that once when I first started. There was a competition at the Ice House. I got second place. I won a side of fries. I wore a shirt and tie for that. I thought I would be a shirt and tie comedian back in my first few weeks, literally, of doing stand-up. May 2007. Someone just poured a drink on their own head in memory of my side of fries. Anyway, this shit's gone off.
It's fucking... Can we get Cam back up here to talk shit to D-Madness? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Tim, so your competition goes awry, and then what happens? We went way off base here.
No, it's just, I don't know. I started questioning a lot of things, hung out by myself. I don't know. Just, I don't know, searching, you know? And now I've come out of it, and I don't know. I shot fucking two for 14 tonight, you know? That's what it is.
Did a woman drive you to this competition? Thanks, buddy.
Was that... Okay. So, what was your drug of choice? I've been 15 years sober, so I'm just curious.
And then I conduct an interview. We have fun with them. We figure out what else is interesting about them. What else could they joke about? Is that how their set always goes? Anything can happen. It's always wild. The whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Let's start it with a very special time, everybody.
I don't know. Whatever I was given, really.
What I could get. I mean, I just drank, which just led... Like, all the time, which just led to ventures. You know? Hookers and fight clubs and coke and... I turned down heroin.
Thank you. But, yeah, it's mostly, you know, I was in New York a lot.
A lot of people just go and see the, like, you know, sites.
Well, I saw the sites that aren't on a map. Let's put it that way, you know.
Tim, I've tried with this interview to dig us out of this deep hole that I take full responsibility for putting us in. I don't think it's you. I think it's me. But you know what I think? I think you need something to look forward to in life. I think you need something to fire you up and tell you that things are going to be okay. So how would you like to open up?
Would you like to do better at the secret show Thursday?
That's a real smile there. Does that sound like fun, Tim? Yes. Michael, relax. Jesus Christ. Yes. What the fuck? Are you just going to beat the fucking drum forever? We believe in you, Tim.
Short circuit? We believe in you. We know something's not right. We believe in you, Tim. So I would love to see you do better Thursday.
Okay. There you go. Tim Warner, everybody. That's the first time where I was going to be like, you want to open up the secret show? I don't know why. All right. We're having fun. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Like a piece of ginger in between rotten sushi bites, she cleanses us with her spirit. Live, laugh, love. Isn't she live, laugh, lovely? All right, we got another bucket pool.
This looks like a new name. I hope it is. We've had a lot of old characters here tonight. Make some noise for Elazer Guzman. Elazer Guzman.
This young lady was made the most recent Golden Ticket winner just two or three weeks ago, and this is her first scheduled brand-new minute on the show. We're all very excited. The youthful, the powerful, the brand-spanking-new first scheduled appearance makes some noise for Golden Ticket winner, the Keltoni re-debut. of Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Aya, starting off the show.
Eleazar. Am I saying that right? It's Eleazar. Eleazar. Eleazar. There's a second E in there. Silent. Yeah. It looks like Eleazar. Yeah. Or Eleazar. Yeah, it's... People say that a lot? Yeah, people say it like that. When they read it. Yeah, usually. About 100% of the people that read it.
Just making sure. You tried to make me look like a fool there. I know. Um, Elazar, obviously. How long you been doing stand-up? 11 years. 11 years? Awesome. Where at?
Wow. NADC, not a damn chance. That is one of the best burgers in the entire city, owned by our very good friends. You have fun working there?
A lot of pride. It's a great place. Amazing. You get high on your own supply? You eating the burgers over there? Oh, yeah.
snuggle up stay warm december 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored kill tony's live from the heb center in austin texas this is a new super annual amazing event it is our biggest two-night event of the year and we're super excited about it it is on sale now kill tony live.com get it for your loved ones get it for yourself love it or hate it live december 30th and 31st
Amazing. You getting a lot of spots around town?
I love that. Very smart. If you put on a good show and book the people that you think are funny, eventually it will pick up steam. Is it a weekly show? Yeah, I have three right now. Very smart. This is what I think more people should do and try, especially if you're a more experienced comedian at 11 years. How long were you doing it in New York for? Um...
What was the part where you sat in all around the country or whatever?
Very cool. What were you doing for work? Did any one of those people pronounce your name right?
Yeah, it seems like they wouldn't. Yeah. Eliezer. Eliezer. What were you doing for work in New York City?
They just introduced him as 9-11. I was a busser.
A busser? A busser. A busboy. Mm-hmm, yeah. But you say a busser like you're not a boy at all.
Absolutely. What else about your life?
You do that like on a typewriter or a computer?
Yeah. What's your love life like? You seem like a good looking guy.
Fuck once. That's all you need. How about love? When's the last time you were in love? Have you ever been in love?
So, yeah. That happens. Yeah. That happens every once in a while. Was she a bad driver?
Yeah, that's not a psycho. That's just New Jersey.
Elazar. What is that? Are you Mexican?
No, nobody heard that. Nobody said anything. I haven't seen that at all anywhere at any point. No one's ever said such a thing. Have you been to Puerto Rico? No. I have. At one point, it was one of my favorite vacation spots. What happened? Had to get a president elected real quick. No big deal. Just had to do my due diligence. Shut up. Shut up. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President.
You're welcome. Anytime. Anytime for you. So, are your parents obviously both Puerto Rican?
Did you talk to your mom about any of the incidences that happened a few weeks ago?
She didn't, but I mean, Puerto Rico was in the news. She's been to Puerto Rico.
Yeah, it's a lose-lose situation.
And look at you now. Little does she know that I just gave you the biggest opportunity of your life. It all comes full circle, just like an island. All right. Fun times. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the show. Here's a brand new Bonsai leather, real Texas leather joke book. And that is the Kill Tony debut of Eleazar Guzman, the only Eleazar spelled E-L-E-A-Z-A-R. E-L-E-A-Z-A-R.
Another bucket pool. This looks like a fun name. It's a three-word name with pretty silly handwriting. So this is a good sign. Make some noise for what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Eric Ray Stone, everybody. Eric Ray Stone.
Hell yeah. Your hair and everything, it seems like you would be crazier than you are. I can't be.
But you, like, got it together. Yeah. Fuck yeah.
What's been going on? You have a cane? For those of you listening to the podcast, like D Madness is, he has a cane. Yeah.
So your connective tissue, like your tendons and things? Is that what that means?
Except he looks like a guy that would hang him.
You try fish oil? Oh, fish oil. Very good, Red Band. Very good.
What if that cured you right away? This whole fucking time. Stand up like Grandpa in the Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory.
We love a good old Dr. Red Band over here recommending fish oil or Wendy's at 4 a.m. These are Red Band's lists of vitamins. Eric Ray Stone. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over three years now. A little over three years. You start here, Baltimore, Miami.
Interesting. Yeah. The Miami Improv. Man, amazing. Was I ever there when you were there?
Yeah, sounds about right. Were you working the sound booth? Front door. They had you at front door. Dangerous position for a man with EDS. Did you look like that when you were in Miami? I'm sorry? You look like that. You're the only guy that looks like that in Miami.
Yeah. Okay, Eric. The other ones with canes are pimping his girlfriend.
How long have you rocked the cane?
Yeah, interesting. No explanation for why they made you stop fish oil?
Yeah. What's a guy like you do for fun around here? I know everybody else said hikes earlier, I'm guessing.
Yeah. Look at him cracking up over here. Look at him just dying of laughter.
All right. Tell us something crazy about your life, Eric. What's a fun fact that would surprise us about you? You ever do anything crazy or see anything crazy or family or anything?
All right. Well. He makes bombs and he looks like a guy who makes bombs. He looks like he just finished his manifesto before he walked up here. And I mean that with love.
Yeah, you've been moseying along. Eric, you have a look to you. that is incomparable to most. Does this, do you go on dates and stuff? Do you have a?
Eric Ray Stone, not a fan of the organ music on that beat there. How'd it go? What'd you guys do?
We're going to go dancing if you want to go. You're like, sure, let's fucking go. I like a challenge. What can I say? F that we're going to run a marathon. What kind of dancing was it? Was it like Latino music?
Yeah, you can barely take one step. This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. You didn't know how to do it, but did you learn? Did she show you? She tried. Have you guys talked since then? Does this look like something that's going to continue?
You explained to her whatever you have said?
Oh, well, there you go. That's what happens when you cane blast a girl. It's probably all from the fish oil.
You probably have horrible breath.
All right, the fish oil. Very good. The running fish oil joke that literally only you laughed at. Callback. I love it. Let's do a big joke book for you, Eric Ray Stone. There it is. And there he goes. On to the next one we go. You guys still having fun out there? Very interesting bucket pools this episode. A lot of names we've seen before. This is a back-to-back three-word name. Very interesting.
A very rare treat. Three-word name. Back-to-back. Two in a row. Make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith, everybody. Jerry Debo Smith.
Wow. One of the performances of the night. The Kill Tony debut of Jerry Bebo Smith.
Okay, welcome, welcome. How long have you lived in San Antonio?
Hell yeah. Is your picture on the wall anywhere else, Jerry? Perhaps a convenience store or something like that? No, sir.
I love it. How many children do you have, Jerry?
That is fucking funny. Yeah, thank you. I've never heard that twist on being a terrible father before. You're a funny guy. Thank you. I appreciate that. So you've been doing it about 14 years.
Newest golden ticket winner with a brand new minute, Aya. Where are you going to college, Aya?
I like it, though. I get it. You have a Debo hoodie, but it's with Seinfeld font.
Seinfeld's really your favorite show? Yeah, it's my favorite show. Wow, you really are a Jerry Seinfeld.
LPMs for days. Like shit, I swear. Your mom picked the television, didn't she?
Hell yeah. What did you study there?
I'm going to be quiet. I'm waiting for you now. It's your turn. You're doing good. You're doing good. Let the laughter die. Let it die. Anyway, when did your mom die? In 1995. But how? How did she die?
That's on the other side. Okay. She just had random kidney failure?
Red Band is wondering how to have kidney failure from cocaine. Is that a common thing? I don't know anything about that.
Hell yeah. Sounds pretty chill. Is that expensive college or do you get like a scholarship?
Okay, that's right. We can't play that anymore or else YouTube will get us in trouble. All right. So, so interesting, Jerry. So, so funny. Amazing stuff.
We've had a couple. I watch the show and them motherfuckers are like... You might be the best. You might be the best.
I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Jazz, what's up?
We're going to fly through these last two bucket pools real quick. Turbo rounds. Brand new minute coming at you. This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Sam Cokes, everybody. Sam Cokes.
Absolutely. Absolutely. The federal government? Was it the state government?
Is someone booing you? There you go.
You do look a little Trudeau-esque, I will say that. You got the fucking creepy... I've got that before. Yeah, I bet.
Throw on some blackface, we'll know for sure.
Yeah, right? We're going to find out if it Trudeau, you know what I'm saying? What do you do for work?
Tell us the craziest thing about your life.
How much do you get paid for planting a tree in American money?
See all of their faces just like, dude, what, dude?
Dude, that's fucking cheap, dude.
Get the fuck out of here, bro. What the fuck? You guys ever hear of something so crazy? White boys planting trees for a dime?
Wow. I guess people do come here to do the white people jobs.
But I guess that's a lot for a little Canadian boy.
What do you think is the most Canadian thing about you?
You ever do anything for extra scholarship money, like wear a burqa or drag a rainbow flag around or protest or anything?
Sam, here's a little joke book. We're flying through the rest of this episode. There goes Sam Cokes, everybody. Got through a lot of bucket pools tonight. This is our 10th and final bucket pool of the night. This young lady's been on this show before. It's been a long time. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Gina Hyena, everybody. Gina Hyena.
Boom. One minute, nine seconds. Gina, hyena, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline. Amazing. Welcome back. It's been a long time since we've seen you. How's it going?
I love it. I love it. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing set. What else is going on?
I love it. So you weren't Googling gas because you're pro-Palestine?
I love it. So you're hiding from a pimp on one of the biggest shows in the world?
Pimping to real estate? Yeah. Who goes from hoes to homes?
So stupid. I'm not going hoes to homes with you.
And if you shake them too hard, you don't know it.
I thought you were going to say I don't even use gas. I thought you had an electric car. You have electric car energies. What kind of car do you have?
How long have you been with this psychiatrist?
Yeah, he like asks you about you? Yeah. And then just sits there and listens? He listens. Whoa.
Gina, you are very, very funny. Red Band. Are you in town this week? I am. I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show. There you go. Another one. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. It's been a while since we've seen you. Do you have one of these? Gina, do you have one of these? There you go. Gina Hyena. Booyah. Follow her. Eggs and hot sauce. The letter N. Eggs and hot sauce. All right.
This is it. We did it. Ten bucket pulls down. Absolutely fantastic episode of this show. There's only one way to put a ribbon on it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer, record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews. A man like no other in this show's history.
Tens and tens, perhaps hundreds of hours of entertainment given to us by who some people call the Memphis Strangler. The Zipic Zorro. The Vicar of the Vape Pen. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Virgin of Virginia. This is indeed the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.
Hell yeah. Sketch, what are you thinking over here?
So asexual, what do you think about me then? Are you actually asexual? Um, uh, you could probably Google that one. I don't know if anyone's been on Twitter.
It looks like we got Hagrid from Harry Potter out there.
He has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The biggest, reddest machine of them all. William lights out Thunderfuck Montgomery.
We did have a big, wonderful Thanksgiving together. We had a big family Thanksgiving, family style.
Wow. You see, you looked like both a Native American and a pilgrim at the same time.
I don't play it, but I do know about it.
That was a nice thing. Sketch is ready. People are trying to start sketch chants out there in the crowd. His first time in front of a live audience. Has bullets in the chamber. Ready to go. Absolutely ready.
Oh, I like it. A little Ben Frank.
What's going on? I don't think anyone's ever referred to you as Ben Franklin like before, but I do see it, and I'm surprised no one has. Yeah, my gosh, I'll take it. Right around Thanksgiving, it's fun. Thank you. Maybe you guys can fly kites after this together. Have you ever flown a kite before, William?
You idiot. Like, I'm bombing up here. I'm not even in a good mood right now. Didn't make sense. I do like the green shirt. You're obviously winding up for the Christmas spirit. Perhaps you're going to get more Christmassy each appearance this December.
Would you like to rattle off some of your favorite things about Christmas? Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery rattling off some of his favorite Christmas things. What excites you about Christmas?
Obviously, we're starting with the lighter stuff here.
It's going to get more exciting as it goes. Here he goes.
Okay, just rattle stuff off. Doesn't matter. You don't have to scream at William.
You can literally have said anything in the world other than that. It would have been better.
Your uncle can't hurt you anymore.
Naming different types of cookies, ladies and gentlemen. This is not going as I expected it to go at all. What happened there? You want to find out? It did happen. Were you all drunk or how did you all knock it over? You had to have your arm around your lady there. We started talking about Christmas. This guy was trying to get cozy. Did the Asian guy with the nipples give everybody new COVID?
Perhaps. perhaps. It could be a winter of death and danger for your families, according to WhiteHouse.gov. Somebody was sick?
No. Cam cleaned it off, thank God.
Yeah. It's true. Ugh. That's true, he had a cane, and spoiler alert, it was not a candy cane. We're rattling off some of William's favorite Christmas things, but you could tell by the music and the sleigh bells. Here he is with some more Christmas things, master improviser William Montgomery. and say anything Christmas related. People are literally yelling out things.
All you have to do is repeat them into the microphone for the millions of people watching at home. Here he goes, Christmas things with William Montgomery. You hear the sleigh bells? Here he goes. Perhaps the lighting is gonna help him rattle off some Christmas things. To put a ribbon on this episode,
Speaking of all different types, does your dad really have diabetes?
Candy canes and Snickers bars and Butterfingers and Snickers bars and Candy canes on Christmas. Candy canes and Snickers bars and Snickers bars and Candy canes and Candy canes at Christmas. Christmas this year is going to be fun at my mama's house. We're going to get a dog for Christmas this year. That's what my dad says. Okay. Wow.
William Montgomery. Okay. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful William Montgomery? We did it again. This episode is brought to you by Zippix, our amazing sponsor. Here's some cinnamon Zippix for the holiday season. Some sweet whiskey for this guy. Some Zippix. Ooh, peppermint watermelon. Is there perhaps a cool black guy? Nope. All right. It's going to a Latino. There you go.
All right. El Mocha. All right, there you go. A little mocha. Thank you, Zippix. The drawing from Ryan J. He-Belt is in. How loud can this place get for sketch, ladies and gentlemen? His first time in front of a live audience. Check us, I mean, you probably already follow him on Twitch and YouTube. He's a global superstar, but if you don't, follow him there. He streams DaveLandau.com.
That's L-A-N-D-A-U.com. Hilarious tonight. He's on tour. Go to DaveLandau.com for tickets and check out Normal World on Blaze TV featuring Dave Landau. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there. Oh, John Dees. Look at that. That's you, John. That's what you look like. It is. That's good, right? We are going to be auctioning that off after the show.
What do you think it was that gave him type two?
We're going to also auction off the painting. What'd he say? Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, shit. What'd he say? Nothing. John D's on keys. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? We did it. Thank you all. Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. This is it. This is your last chance to get this stream. You have another week. New Year's Eve.
Wow. Honey and dates. It's amazing. Those are Red Band's healthiest snacks. Amazing. Oh, bother. There you go. That's my business partner, everybody. The old Harry Potter. Time to shave your Potter down, for he is hairy.
I can't wait. I can't wait. Any second now, it's going to all make sense. Aya, I love it. What else? Anything else before we let you go? Anything else crazy going on in life?
Wow, so the guy sleeps in your dad's backyard?
That is incredible. Well, very interesting stuff. Have you ever talked to this guy in your dad's backyard?
Wow. Yeah. Your dad's just like, God, I wish that was me.
Does he still use honey? Does he still?
By the way, Red Band posted on Instagram at 4 a.m. last night a moldy Wendy's burger that he ate. He both complained about the burger and also ate, what did you eat, half of it? It wasn't moldy, it was burnt. The bread was burnt?
No, the whole burger was burnt. That's what you were complaining about.
But you also said something about mold.
No, because last time I had a problem with Wendy's, it was moldy. Yeah.
Yeah. and you complain online every time you get late night drunk fast food, and it's not good. You, a wildly successful podcaster, goes online to complain about, do they ever give you what you want after that? Does that ever pay off? Is Wendy's ever like, here's fucking 20 bucks or something, dude?
Really? And that's what you do it for? It's fun, man. It's like coupon clipping. Laughter Laughter
Oh my God. Do you ever clip coupons?
Aya, way to get this show started. Amazing stuff. I love it. We're gonna all watch her grow together. A star is born here on Kill Tony. The Kill Tony first ever scheduled set by Aya, everybody. Oh, snap. Heidi has arrived, everybody. Make some noise for Heidi. And we make the big switch to the bucket, everybody. This is where shit gets wild.
Sometimes we're meeting somebody that we've never seen before. Sometimes it's the return of somebody that's been on years ago, maybe months ago, maybe a couple weeks ago. Anything can happen. Your first bucket poll of the night, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes to Matt Walker, everybody. Matt Walker. Matt Walker. Oh, shit, it's Matt Walker. Oh, my God.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Right.
I promise.
Right.
You gotta show it on this camera right here.
Or they get an officer.
Yeah.
Yeah, we can either... Drop the links in the description. We can play it at the end of this video. Yeah. Okay.
As long as we don't have, as long as it doesn't give us like a copyright thing.
Right.
I don't have that. Tyler sent me all those. We'll put it in the description. Yeah, I would do a sign off just in case. And I'll either do the sign off in the music or when he plays the music, play the music right after.
All right.
The guy yesterday was like, he's like, I guarantee you this guy tomorrow is going to be a problem. Yeah. Oh, my God.
Right.
Okay.
Yeah.
Holy shit. Can we pause? Sure. I took the work van.
And she's in a training. Here, we'll go on.
Well, did they say that it was broken into or that I left the key in there? That would help.
Yeah. They think it's all or nothing.
Yeah.
He built some of the nation's largest banks out of an estimated $55 million, because $50 million wasn't enough, and $60 million seemed excessive. He is the most interesting man in the world.
I don't typically commit crimes, but when I do, it's bank fraud. Stay greedy, my friends.
Support the channel. Join Matthew Cox's Patreon.
Yeah.
Take care of family and not cause trouble. Cool. I think that's great. That's mostly your success examples. I chose to be in the community and volunteering and putting in work and
All right.
Yes.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Using forgeries and bogus identities, Matthew B. Cox, one of the most ingenious con men in history, built America's biggest banks out of millions. Despite numerous encounters with bank security, state, and federal authorities, Cox narrowly, and quite luckily, avoided capture for years. Eventually, he topped the U.S. Secret Service's most wanted list and led the U.S.
Marshals, FBI, and Secret Service on a three-year chase, while jet-setting around the world with his attractive female accomplices. Cox has been declared one of the most prolific mortgage fraud con artists of all time by CNBC's American Greed. Bloomberg Businessweek called him the mortgage industry's worst nightmare, while Dateline NBC described Cox as a gifted forger and silver-tongued liar.
Playboy magazine proclaimed his scam was real estate fraud, and he was the best. Shark in the Housing Pool is Cox's exhilarating first-person account of his stranger-than-fiction story. Available now on Amazon and Audible.
Bent is the story of John J. Boziak's phenomenal life of crime. Inked from head to toe, with an addiction to strippers and fast Cadillacs, Boziak was not your typical computer geek. He was, however, one of the most cunning scammers, counterfeiters, identity thieves, and escape artists alive, and a major thorn in the side of the US Secret Service as they fought a war on cybercrime.
With a savant-like ability to circumvent banking security and stay one step ahead of law enforcement, Boziak made millions of dollars in the international cyber underworld, with the help of the Chinese and the Russians. Then, leaving nothing but a John Doe warrant and a cleaned-out bank account in his wake, he vanished.
Boziak's stranger-than-fiction tale of ingenious scams and impossible escapes, of brazen run-ins with the law and secret desires to straighten out and settle down, makes his story a true crime con game that will keep you guessing. Bent. How a homeless teen became one of the cybercrime industry's most prolific counterfeiters. Available now on Amazon and Audible.
Buried by the U.S. government and ignored by the national media, this is the story they don't want you to know. When Frank Amedeo met with President George W. Bush at the White House to discuss NATO operations in Afghanistan, no one knew that he'd already embezzled nearly $200 million from the federal government.
money he intended to use to bankroll his plan to take over the world from amadeo's global headquarters in the shadow of florida's disney world with a nearly inexhaustible supply of the internal revenue services funds amadeo acquired multiple businesses amassing a mega conglomerate
Driven by his delusions of world conquest, he negotiated the purchase of a squadron of American fighter jets and the controlling interest in a former Soviet ICBM factory. He began working to build the largest private militia on the planet, over 1 million Africans strong. Simultaneously,
Amadeo hired an international black ops force to orchestrate a coup in the Congo while plotting to take over several small Eastern European countries. The most disturbing part of it all is, had the U.S. government not thwarted his plans, he might have just pulled it off. It's insanity. The bizarre true story of a bipolar megalomaniac's insane plan for total world domination.
Available now on Amazon and Audible.
Pierre Rossini, in the 1990s, was a 20-something-year-old Los Angeles-based drug trafficker of ecstasy and ice. He and his associates drove luxury European supercars, lived in Beverly Hills penthouses, and dated Playboy models while dodging federal indictments. Then, two FBI officers with the Organized Crime Drug Enforcement Task Force entered the picture.
Dirty agents willing to fix cases and identify informants. Suddenly, two of Rossini's associates, confidential informants working with federal law enforcement, were murdered. Everyone pointed to Rossini. As his co-defendants prepared for trial, U.S. Attorney Robert Mueller sat down to debrief Rossini at Leavenworth Penitentiary.
And another story emerged, a tale of FBI corruption and complicity in murder. You see, Pierre Rossini knew something that no one else knew. truth. And Robert Mueller and the federal government have been covering it up to this very day. Devil Exposed, a twisted tale of drug trafficking, corruption, and murder in the City of Angels. Available on Amazon and Audible.
Bailout is a psychological true crime thriller that pits a narcissistic conman against an egotistical pathological liar. Marcus Shrinker, the money manager who attempted to fake his own death during the 2008 financial crisis, is about to be released from prison, and he's ready to talk. He's ready to tell you the story no one's heard.
Shrinker sits down with true crime writer Matthew B. Cox, a fellow inmate serving time for bank fraud.
shrinker lays out the details the disgruntled clients who persecuted him for unanticipated market losses the affair that ruined his marriage and the treachery of his scorned wife the woman who framed him for securities fraud leaving him no choice but to make a bogus distress call and plunge from his multi-million dollar private aircraft in the dead of night
the $11.1 million in life insurance, the missing $1.5 million in gold. The fact is, Shrinker wants you to think he's innocent. The problem is, Cox knows Shrinker's a pathological liar and his story's a fabrication. As Cox subtly coaxes, cajoles, and, yes, cons Shrinker into revealing his deceptions, his stranger-than-fiction life of lies slowly unravels.
This is the story Shrinker didn't want you to know. Bailout, The Life and Lies of Marcus Schrenker. Available now on Barnes & Noble, Etsy, and Audible.
Matthew B. Cox is a conman incarcerated in the Federal Bureau of Prisons for a variety of bank fraud-related scams. Despite not having a drug problem, Cox inexplicably ends up in the prison's residential drug abuse program, known as RDAP, a drug program in name only.
RDAP is an invasive behavior modification therapy specifically designed to correct the cognitive thinking errors associated with criminal behavior. The program is a nonfiction dark comedy which chronicles Cox's side-splitting journey. This first-person account is a fascinating glimpse at the survivor-like atmosphere inside of the government-sponsored rehabilitation unit.
While navigating the treachery of his backstabbing peers, Cox simultaneously manipulates prison policies and the bumbling staff every step of the way. The program, How a Conman Survived the Federal Bureau of Prisons Cult of RDAP. Available now on Amazon and Audible.
He's been known to cure insecurity just with his laugh. His organ donation card lists his charisma. His smile is so contagious. Vaccines have been created for it. He is the most interesting man in the world.
I don't typically commit crime, but when I do, it's bank fraud. Stay greedy, my friends.
Support the channel. Join Matthew Cox's Patreon.
Right. Right.
Federal prosecutors will seek the death penalty for accused murderer Luigi Mangione. Russia balks at a current ceasefire deal with Ukraine. And Maine has one last chance to remove males from female sports. It's Tuesday, March 32nd, and... This guy, John, I've worked for you for like three years. Security... Security...
Do you believe that everybody has to go to those same extremes to be able to make those changes?
I love it. I love it. Andy, what I'm most interested to know is like three, four years ago, nobody had heard of you. Right. Right. Like you were not on the map. My understanding is you lived in Oklahoma.
Hey guys, it's Chris. If you're finding value in what you're hearing, go ahead and like and subscribe. That way people just like you can find this content for free here on YouTube. Now let's dive back in the show.
I freaking love it. I mean, you bring up a principle that I've always been a fan of is that the mind is an external thing working on who we really are. I've always believed that who we really are rests in the heart, right? And that's the reason why you can have these crazy thoughts, positive or negative, on all different things.
It's not until you actually dwell on them that they actually sink down to like, And either become who you are for better or for worse. But yeah, it's an interesting concept. And when you kind of separate the mind from everything else, it allows you to have just so much more self-mastery.
Yeah, we actually talked about this at my church on Sunday.
which it's funny. I spent two years of my life in Oklahoma. So when I was 19 to 21 years old, I was a missionary there for my church. And so know the, know the lay of the land kind of all over the board. And so I know you decided to make a big shift. Tell us about, I mean, obviously you'd done a lot of groundwork up until that point. What caused the transformation?
Yeah. You know, it's interesting. It's like one thing in like theory and one thing in practice, right? Theoretically, everybody's like, oh, you know, I forgive all people. I allow people to change, but actually allowing it to take place. It's one of the most powerful ways of forgiving, right? Like in the scripture, it talks about of you, it's required to forgive all men.
That doesn't just mean like, hey, you wronged me. I forgive you. It's like, I'm not going to hold you to your previous standard, right? I'm actually allowing you to change. That is a true methodology of forgiveness is just like looking past who they are and seeing who they could become. And yeah, I think it's extremely powerful. And the fact that you have that in your wife is fantastic.
Yeah, that was my first car sales boss.
That's awesome.
Yeah. You know, you bring up an incredible point. So I have 39 strategies and theories of running a business. And one of them is focused around truth and transparency, right? And like truth and transparency is, as you shared, like where everything changes and where you get full buy-in. In fact, I think it's the greatest... showing of love, right?
Like when you are truth and transparent with people, when you can hit them straight, right? When you share with them, you know, why they're there. And it's interesting, you have two customers in a business, right? You have your employees as customer number one, and you have your end user as customer number two. When you are truthful across the board, you can charge more money, make bigger profits.
There's so much power in just being able to be completely owning the truth, which means comfortable that you're not perfect.
Like not trying to justify where you sit, where you're at. Right. Like understanding that, like, hey, I screwed up. I'm making changes. Right. And I mean, obviously, you've you've figured out a lot of the science behind building culture. It's the same.
What you're talking about is the same stuff that we use to build a business out of my garage in four and a half years to eleven hundred employees and just so crazy. star culture of like die hard people that were bought into the vision, the direction. And like this applies to any business. It can be in the solar business. It can be in sales training. It can be in anything, right?
You're like, you could literally be Coca-Cola and it doesn't matter if you apply these principles, you're going to be able to build something that's far exceeds what you're currently doing.
Yeah, it's interesting. We've had to completely like reset. So we sold our business to private equity, right? Got a big payday, all the things that every entrepreneur claims and dreams and, you know, whatever. But then like, it's like, okay, what's next, right? Okay.
and and so you know there's there's aspects of that momentum that we've missed and we've uh we've we're now re-establishing and whatnot but uh yeah man building building a culture like that i mean it props to you man you're doing doing it the right way and and it's fun to see and and you know just see uh you know your own personal touch but just like the the mutual principles in which we were able to build our business off of and and like see that they work across industry it's it's
Yep. And that's, I mean, that's exactly what we're working on. You know, everybody's failing in one aspect or another, you know, but yeah, I agree. I agree. I agree. So you're 45. This all took place when you were 41, right? Like what were, so you picked up, you move, you move over to Arizona.
What were some of the initial changes you made besides relocating?
It's incredible. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. I mean, you're right in the thick of the incredible stuff, right? You're, you're attracting great, great talent just from the culture, from the leadership that you've created. And yeah, it's,
Hey guys, it's Chris. Hey, a lot of you leave comments asking for help. Do me a real quick favor. Shoot me a text at 509-374-7554. That's 509-374-7554.
shoot me a text i'll answer and help you with whatever you need don't worry i got you back let's go back to the show baby so everybody has fears and everybody has like weak points that they draw on to be able to like what based what i've seen in high level leadership high level producers or whatever usually there's something a chip on the shoulder some some uh past moments in their life that they constantly draw on to be able to get more energy what are some of those things for you
Hey, a lot of you leave comments asking for help. Do me a real quick favor. Shoot me a text at 509-374-7554. That's 509-374-7554. Shoot me a text. I'll answer and help you with whatever you need. Don't worry, I got you back. Let's go back to the show, baby.
So do you believe that everybody has to go to those same extremes to be able to make those changes?
So what's next? Choose your heart. Right? Like you built something pretty sweet in three, four-year period time.
Yeah, I mean, that is literally the ground floor of what our message is. So we run a group called Next Level Pros. And essentially what it means is no matter where you're at, success isn't defined by a point. It's by a trajectory, right? And that there's always a next level to who you are, right? Because I've met... I'm friends with 50 billionaires, right?
And there's a lot of those guys that I would not define as successful, right? Because their trajectory either is plateaued or it's down, right? And so it doesn't matter how much money in the bank account, how much you weigh, whatever else, if you're not on this path of taking it to the next level.
Yeah, recreating. And so I think, you know, our messages are extremely aligned with what you're doing. And dude, appreciate you jumping on the show.
And so... what uh so what obviously uh official andy elliott on instagram what are what are the best spots to get a hold of you or to be a part of you you got these different coaching programs whatnot how do how do people get access to you yeah so when you go to instagram official andy elliott i mean it's pretty simple youtube we have thousands of videos on youtube Absolutely love it.
Appreciate you being on. And as always, for those that are on the Next Level Pro podcast, you know to be able to get access to our coaching community, go to gonextlevelpros.com. We'll be able to take care of you. You'll be able to get access to being a part of those weekly coaching calls and get great people like Andy involved in your life. Appreciate you. Until next time.
Like we can, what's the definition of purse full of cash? It means that like, okay, what kind of money were you sitting on when you made this decision?
And at this point, you're married. You have three kids.
Welcome to another episode of Next Level Pros Podcast. Today we have Mr. Andy Elliott. We're down here in beautiful Arizona in his studio doing some incredible stuff. So many of you guys know Andy. You've seen him on Instagram, YouTube, all the different things, maybe on stages. This guy runs an incredible sales training platform. They've had over 500,000 people go through their program.
Has she always been this way?
He's changing lives. The man is a believer, a family man, all the important stuff, really building an incredible, I'd call a cult following in a good way down here. It's absolutely incredible. Welcome to the show. Excited to have you.
I think, too, like, you know, our audience is mostly business owners, entrepreneurs. But I'm hoping there's people there that are like trying to figure out how do I get from this employee situation to like the next level? And I was thinking about this morning. I don't know why, but it kind of goes along with what we're talking about.
I think if you're in a situation where it's like I don't even know how to like be a business owner, an entrepreneur, none of that stuff. I would say figure out how to make someone else a ton of money. If you can make someone tens of millions of dollars, You will make a lot of money. You'll learn how to create value.
You'll either get paid for making that creating that value or you'll learn how to do it and you can go do it yourself and Don't fool yourself or lie to yourself Just because you're a part of the process doesn't mean you're making the extra money or that you're not bringing the extra value you have to actually bring value that would have never existed in whatever capacity you can and
I think something interesting too, and I've thought a lot about this, is how I grew up versus how I think today. And, you know, I have to contribute. We've had a lot of challenges, a lot of successes, a lot of failures, a lot of wins. And I've always thought, like, what's changed? What's different? And, you know, the way we grew up was, like, be a man of your word.
And what I found interesting is, like, that's very contradictive if you've got a big vision, right? Because if you have a big vision, you have no way to like back up what you say you're going to do, right? And so I think instead of focusing on being a man of your word, be a man of your vision.
In other words, what you say always ties you to your vision and your vision is big and it excites you, right? A lot of times we create these like visions of I'm going to be a billionaire and I'm going to, be whatever. And there's no emotion to it. There's no like excitement to it.
It's just like numbers that maybe impress someone else or that, uh, you know, you think is people will look at you differently, but what really would get you excited every day and, and make your, make your vision tied to emotions that like you can't shake.
Yeah, I'd say for me, it's like once you, because I feel like I've taken massive action in my lows, right? when things are just going horrible to get out right with cells, there's, there's highs and there's lows. Um, and I've also taken massive action when, uh, in, in, on the highs and continue to like find the next level.
I think what's important is to realize like, where am I lying to myself and how do I shake it? And how do I take action that I know will continue making me move forward?
Yeah, I can. I can remember the doors. I can remember the people. I know exactly the times you're talking about. And it was like, I can remember thinking, like, I'd have the thought coming, like, why am I doing this? And I'd merely take that thought, throw it away. Like, I know why I'm doing this. I've got to push through. I've got to figure out, like, I got to get myself through this.
And this is just part of the process. And it sucks. You have to repeat that sometimes multiple times where you're like, dang, what I thought it was going to work isn't working. And I got to push through this. But it always takes you a step further, whether sometimes you realize it or not.
Going back to Quincy. Dude, we should go to Quincy. No, we should put a map in our office with directions to Quincy. That would be dope. What you don't understand about Quincy, it's a freaking two and a half hour drive each way. So you have a lot of time to think every day.
There's two things that I can think of top of the head that like have always, um, excited me about working with Chris. One is he's a man of his vision. He loves like creating vision.
He loves talking about vision vision vision And and I do too I think what I like about it is Chris's vision It's like I know he's gonna push the limits which keeps me uncomfortable and keeps me pushing the limits So that's what I love about that to He's always hungry Like, he's always hungry no matter what situation we're in. It's like, what more can I get?
And the competitive nature in me thrives in that because I'm like, oh, he wants more? I want more than him. And it's like, I mean, there's some of the dumbest arguments we've had is just competitiveness. Let's, like, argue about this or let's fight about that just to, like, be competitive. But it's like that hunger that he has in life is, like, something that –
Fed off of and and it's pushed me and I think then that pushes him and then and then we just keep pushing each other I think that's where I I don't know if I Identified it, but I connected with it early on and that's I think what's allowed us to continue working together That's why I still work with them. It's like I told the Chris. I'm like, dude, I can go do other stuff but like
I love pushing each other. I love feeling uncomfortable around you. I love putting myself in a situation where I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm finding new levels of experience and opportunities.
Frankly, like I remember making a decision. I remember working with Chris when he was a sales rep and I'm like, he is so demanding. Right. Why? Because he like he has a he has a big vision and you can't be like you can't settle for for mediocre if you've got a big vision. I didn't really understand at the time.
At the time, I'm like, dude, he's so demanding, but it's like he's pushing like harder and harder than anyone else. I'm like, all right, I either have to be willing to like work with that and accept like that is like
a hundred percent what I'm like going to work with or completely repel it and go find people that are easy to work with that, you know, are, I can, I can control that, um, are, you know, satisfied with, with, you know, easy or normal or standard. And, uh, I knew with working with Chris, I'd never get that.
And so I remember like making the decision of like, all right, I'm all in. I want more people like Chris around me than less, which means I'm willing to accept hard, challenging, complicated people who can cut deeper, who can punch harder than anyone else.
Like literally like all these little lies that start creaming in, it's crazy. I can recognize those lies. Yes. So I guess my question is, right, there's there's people in our audience who are trying to be successful, who are starting out, who are, you know, have been successful.
I think it's it's I think the reason that this is a really good story about Grant is, at least for myself, is I've been motivated by his book. 10X, which he talks about using that to basically define his future.
But I think too, like when you're trying to find success and we're trying to figure things out, like you just gotta, you don't know what you don't know. And so it's like, it's not about like, I gotta avoid, I gotta take accountability. I gotta avoid, you know, making mistakes. It's more of like make mistakes, acknowledge the mistake,
And then figure out how to adjust from there so that you don't make it again. Or you learn from it so it accelerates your progress.
So I think there's two issues that I see with this topic. And I think the first one is people want something, but they don't know what the first step is. Right. The other side of it is you don't know if you're really meant to like have that vision. Right.
If you come up with a big vision, sometimes it's scary to say that's who I want to become because you're so far from it that it's like it doesn't make sense. If I look at my younger years, that's that's what I struggled with, where it was like, OK, I have this big vision, like, but it is so unrealistic to who I am today that it's hard to want to like believe in it.
So I think the hard part, right, is whenever you listen to success stories, you always see people with the success. And it's really hard to have perspective of actually what it looked like when they went through the hard, hard stuff. And so that's like, like you're saying, like, you just have to take action, you have to move.
And you have to be willing to lose over and over and over again, knowing that you will win.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For sure.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, for sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
For sure. Yeah.
Hey, everyone. This is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts.
Right.
Yeah.
You.
Yes.
Interesting.
Yeah.
They would.
like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it doesn't work.
For sure.
I believe it too.
my husband has a secret son from a past partner hold up sam how do we know have we done the dna test well john luckily it's mother may i have a dna test week on the okay story time podcast so we'll find out soon and this wife writes my husband received a facebook message from a woman saying that he is the father of a five-year-old whoa at first he didn't remember her but then he realized they had a one night stand right before we started dating
Wait, but do we have proof he's the dad? To hear the explosive finale, listen to the OK Storytime podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You're listening to an iHeart podcast.
Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out.
Francis Suarez, the most Miami man that's ever Miami.
In no way will any of us regret this. It was basically, I think, the tenor of that speech. But just speaking to the oddness of him, it's the idea of, on the one hand, this guy is an alien. who does not understand anything about our customs, but on the other hand, he's savvy.
you sort of see the logic in all of these choices, right? Like with Major League Baseball, Sam Bankman Freed is right that like, do people really give a shit about the sponsor on anyone's jersey? No, it's forgettable. But... Beyond naming rights of stadiums, we are just going to be seeing on a baseball broadcast the umpire all of the time.
There was a line that you had in your book from, I believe, FTX's lawyer, Dan Friedberg, about the difference in vetting between the NBA and Major League Baseball. Do you recall what he said?
Which is hilarious. which is hilarious and speaks to the ego and the ecosystem of ego inside of sports as well. But as for that ecosystem in sports, I found it fascinating in your reporting, which establishes Sam Bank and Freed, yes, a Martian, but also is discerning about who matters and who does not. I mean, he has opinions.
You quote, if you could remind us of the stuff that he wrote to employees about the difference between Baker Mayfield or Dak Prescott and Tom Brady.
There is, there is undeniably, now that you phrase it in these terms, there's this cinematic archetype, this odd couple of two archetypes, as you would see in a movie, options of the spectrum, getting together to, I mean, Brady was putting, you know, the red laser eyes and his like avatars on social media.
Sam Bankman-Fried, again, to your point, I don't want to be the royals of sports podcast hosts either. He's picking like some of the greats who also are known to be credible and safe.
Yeah, super, super well-liked, of course. You getting into crypto? We FTX? Steph and Tom are in? Oh, I'm in, bro.
Zeke, I want to get to who the audience was for these ads. So just to me, I'm thinking about like bros, dudes who love sports, right? And I imagine that that would be an audience, of course, that would overlap with the crypto customer demo.
Yes, the winningest, the champions that he signed up, they're all doing it. And by the way, it also seems like the undercurrent also in those ads is... And we're the good guys.
Yeah, f***ing insane. That trial was this month, by the way, not so far from our office here in New York. And it did feel like one minute Sam Bankman Freed was the good guy in charge of our entire technological future. And the next minute he was in jail. And all of this was humiliating for sports for many reasons.
And Zeke, now that I hear it, there is this theory that this entire time Sam Bankman Freed was hiring influencers, but with a specific target as to who he wanted to influence, the people who might existentially threaten him the most.
Like this next video, which I just had to show to producer Ryan Cordes, which is from June 2021.
It kind of points to the very reason why he spent all of this money on the trappings of sports, on the ads, on the famous friends, on the patches on an umpire's jersey is because without it, it was an emperor without maybe any clothes.
Rumpled cargo shorts, toothpaste-stained shirt, frizzy, out-of-control hair, $30 million penthouse.
It's like Jurassic Park after the dinosaurs have... After the T-Rex has screamed into the giant banner.
Right, so because word had gotten out that actually he was taking the money that people had put with FTX, the exchange, and he'd been using it to trade, to gamble on himself secretly with his research fund, his hedge fund.
A little origami crane of a lie for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was them saying, not 17, not 18, 19. 19 years. That's right. It lasted 19 months, dude. Well, they got one number right. You got to give them that, bro. So FTX, that crypto exchange, is Sam Bankman Freed's company, right? This was Mr. FTX. This was Mr. Miami Heat.
I got Tyler Hero. I got Bam out of bio. We're all hanging out again. What do you think? So Zeke Fox just gave us a nice capper on how leagues and teams and athletes all carry significant responsibility for the sports washing of Sam Bankman Freed's multi-billion dollar fraud. But I also needed to acknowledge the elephant in the studio here.
Our other author, Michael Lewis, if you didn't know, has also been accused of being a celebrity who got used by Sam. And nobody had better access to Sam than Michael, yes. And Michael, of course, is the author of Moneyball, most famously. The best-selling story of how Billy Beane's Oakland Athletics ushered in a statistical revolution in baseball.
But when I actually read Going Infinite, Michael's book on Sam... I realized that Michael did not take it easy on him. At all. It is full of damning stories like the ones you just heard in this episode. What it does not spotlight, however, is a certain detail that Zeke mentioned to me earlier in the show about what Sam was doing as a teen.
And that detail got me wondering about a different way, maybe, that Michael Lewis might actually carry responsibility for the rise of Sam Bankman Freed and this whole story. And I just needed to ask Michael about it at the end here, one-on-one.
And that deal was supposed to be worth $135 million over the 19-year span between Sam Bankman Freed and FTX and Miami-Dade County. Yeah, make that clarification. It was the county, not the heat. Except the heat also annually, we're going to be making $2 million a year. Oh.
Yeah, I think that's I think that's fascinating, Michael. And it's funny because the conversation around your book by people, I think, who largely did not read the book, it was wrong, not least because there are many indicting stories and bits of reporting in your book about Sam. But I feel like what you just explained is a far more interesting story. way that you are connected to the story.
And I ask you this now in terms of the pendulum of our willingness to trust quants and nerds versus the old scouts who felt evicted from this conversation by you, by Moneyball. How do you grade how we have swung in that direction?
And so all of the optimism of that confetti, it made me think about who we know who might have been there when all of this was going down. And of course, we found someone.
Yeah. Yeah, it pains me to say this as somebody who, and again, full disclosure here, my favorite sports book of all time is Moneyball. I'm somebody who did reporting on the Philadelphia 76ers and Sam Hinckley and quoted trust the process at ESPN in a way that then became a meme. And what I'm hearing you say now, Michael, is the problem of being too trusting of your process.
Yeah. Well, and also just the other dimension of this, just to put the final sort of cherry on top of this introspective Sunday, is the question of how the audience, how, by the way, journalists, authors, the public, how we trust the quant now, too. Yeah.
And there is the wisdom of not just the people inside the room where it happens, trusting their process in a monoculturally blinkered way, but also now the outsiders, assuming that that is where the credibility is, is with the people who are the most fluent in numbers to the exclusion of the experience, the old scouts, the old farts that we evicted. Here's the problem.
Exactly, exactly. This is the grand irony of the story, Michael. Yes. I just think about this, and I totally understand the multiplicity of interpretations here. My point is about the underrated aspect to which Sam Bankman-Fried in FTX not only embodied the... The sequel to Moneyball. However unconsciously this was happening.
The sequel to Moneyball while also being a case study in how domestically sports washing also exists. The use of sports to launder the moral reprehensibility of the people behind the doors that are now locked to the outsiders.
Yes. Will Manso, in-arena reporter for the Miami Heat, was right there courtside with the man in question.
Not merely a mortgage lender, now the owner of your favorite childhood obsession.
Michael Lewis, thank you for at least temporarily allowing my mind finally to come to something resembling rest. Totally fun. Great talking to you. This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Meadowlark Media production. And I'll talk to you next time.
Well, this is where Will Manso ends up being not just a good reporter, but a good guy because he has a solution to this completely incomprehensible problem.
That shirt is immense. I can't believe how big the shirt is. And the shame is immense. Will Banzo is a good reporter. This is not the clip I would submit to the Pulitzer Committee because I have been texting this photo of Will and Sam Begman-Fried in giant ass shirt.
It's a stain that is only rivaled by the stain upon the entire institution of Miami and the heat. How dare you? The only defense I can offer you here as the minister of heat propaganda is that you guys, it turned out, were not alone. in this shame because Cortez, I've spent weeks now. You've seen me walk around this office with two books. I spent weeks studying this story.
And my theory after all of this is that this whole thing is actually a sports story. As much as we talk about the Saudi Arabian government using soccer and golf and FIFA, all of these sports to hide its morally reprehensible behavior, right? Sports washing. To me, the ultimate example of a foreign entity using sports to hide and to normalize its behavior is actually Sam Bankman-Fried in FTX.
I believe that this is a sports washing story. And so what I did, I've been reading these two books by Zeke Fox and Michael Lewis, respectively, Number Go Up and Going Infinite, all about Sam Bankman-Fried in FTX and their people, authors who got access to him, who were around while all of this was happening.
And what I wanted to do on today's show is actually pressure test my theory that this story is a sports washing story. This is a sports story to the core. And I needed both Zeke Fox and Michael Lewis to tell me whether they approve of my logic here. And also, who else beyond just you should be absolutely humiliated by this entire thing?
Because of the guilt that you have, clearly.
Well, it is my show. And also, I want to find out if I'm the one person who might be right about a scandal that pretty much everybody else missed. Okay, great. Hey. Hello. Hello. Are you in Miami? I'm in New York. I'm in New York, a satellite of the Dan Lebitard empire.
Okay, so I just got to dive right in here because I believe that today's story has been incredibly undercovered in the world of sports, specifically, which is criminal, as it were. This is the story of Sam Bankman-Fried. Sam Bankman-Fried is the founder of a company, a crypto exchange, named FTX. And FTX made Sam the richest person under the age of 30 on the planet.
But I want to say, Michael, first off, I have some specific questions that may feel disjointed in a sense, but I promise that they are targeted to things in your book that I just found really fascinating as regards sports. So thank you for doing this.
I'm in your hands. Let's do what you want to do. Okay, so I do want to explain what I want to do here, because that is Michael Lewis, maybe the most successful nonfiction author of our time, the author of Moneyball and The Big Short, and now Going Infinite, the rise and fall of a new tycoon. No writer... spent more time over about two years getting to know Sam Bankman Freed than Michael.
And this generated some amount of controversy because, you know, Sam Bankman Freed is in jail. So I got lots of one-on-one questions from Michael about all of that. But what I also wanted to do here was consult the other writer who was all over this story, a really smart investigative reporter named Zeke Foxx.
Not quite a Bahamas conference with Tony Blair. Zeke's book about Sam Bankman Freed, which is called Number Go Up, Inside Crypto's Wild Rise and Staggering Fall, which mentions that conference with Tony Blair, by the way, is also really good, in my opinion. It's different from Michael's book. It's a competitor to Michael's book. but it's quite good.
And Zeke first became fascinated by Sam because Sam had principles, meaning that he believed in the greatest good for the greatest number of people. And so what Sam first told Zeke in the pages of Bloomberg Businessweek was that he was going to give all of his billions away.
Of course, Sam never gave all of his money away. In fact, allegedly, he stole his customers' money at FTX, and he spent it strategically to enrich himself and his business, his crypto exchange, which, like a stock exchange, you could go to and bet money on various cryptocurrencies rising or falling in price, these coins.
And so much of what Sam spent with those allegedly stolen funds, well, under the nine figures, easily, went directly to sports. And so I wanted to ask both Zeke and Michael a pretty simple question. Why?
It put him on the cover of Fortune as the next Warren Buffett and Forbes as the next Mark Zuckerberg. And it put him all over sports itself. You may remember this. FTX had a Super Bowl commercial. Sam was famously endorsed by Tom Brady, Steph Curry and Shohei Ohtani and many of the best athletes in America. all of which turned out to be an enormous problem.
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Yeah.
hey pardon my take listeners you can find every episode on apple podcast spotify or youtube prime members can listen ad free on amazon music on today's part of my take we have an awesome interview with robert griffin the third in studio he was hanging out with us all day we're gonna talk thursday night football great game we have week four
Okay, nice. That was good.
And so I was like, Paige, I can't work with this turkey. We can't deep fry a turkey that's already cooked.
Can't work with this turkey.
We could. You can't really, though, no. It wouldn't be good.
What about to us? You guys are cool, too. Oh, okay.
No, it would just be way too cooked.
Yeah. So then Paige is like, don't worry about it. We'll get you a fresh turkey. We're calling butcher shops right now. I was like, cool. Sounds great. Max hit me up, and he's like, great news. We found a fresh turkey. We're going to go pick it up. And then he updated me to say we have acquired the turkey, and it is now in the walk-in fridge here. It's a fresh turkey.
You'll be able to freeze it no problem on Thursday. Right.
fry it yes no yeah no problem on on thursday so then we get back in the office yesterday and we go to start seasoning this turkey myself max chef donnie and we take the turkey out of the bag and there's never been a worse smelling thing that i've ever smelled in my entire life it was a rotted turkey they sold a rotted turkey oh two hundred dollars Oh, $200 for that fresh turkey. Additional?
Oh, thanks. And PFT. Oh. And I'm cool, too. Now this... Yeah, PFT's here.
Yes, additional. So now we're at, what, $370 for no turkey. But PFT, we're still getting a fried turkey tonight, right? No, because the thing was, because the fresh turkey was there, I now waited so long that I lost time to defrost a frozen turkey. Next week? If we can find... I don't think there are any turkeys in Chicago anymore.
They stopped selling them.
They stopped selling... It's like trying to buy a pumpkin after Thanksgiving.
Yeah, it's like the Halloween stores that pop up every year.
That was perfectly said. I've started a new tradition where I just hug memes every time I see him.
Yeah, the bird deadline has passed. Yeah. And now we can't have any turkey tonight, which is a bummer. But I could do one next week with a frozen turkey. That would be fine because there's plenty of frozen turkeys out there.
But yeah, this has been just a nightmare trying to find a turkey this week. So $370 down the drain.
Yeah, we're in a bad spot. Also, you can watch everything that PFD just said on PNTV.
President Pug, who is as wise as he is benevolent, he documented the entire thing with the understanding that we were going to get a...
fried turkey paid off on Thursday and the boys would have a nice feast before football so he was falling around the entire time so yeah you can watch that on PMTV yeah no we're we're in a bad spot though I had a real sentence to Hank last week was I was like hey Hank I'm seeing a therapist you want you want him I was like you can I can recommend you that's where we're at it's been a long football season what if you fry the turkey during the dark stream
And he just physically... He just, like, recoils.
Oh, okay. Okay. January. I love it. That's yeah. That's forever.
What if Jerry tries to get a hole in one during the dark street? I just, I'm, I'm just disappointed because I love fried Turkey. Yeah. I was the best. That's a good idea.
We're working. We're working. Um, all right. Uh, my fryer fest is a little different. Uh, So I've talked about it, but my daughter is I've raised a troll. She's a troll in my image. She just she literally does things to me that I like. I recognize myself. I'm like, you're just trolling. So they they send pictures from her school. And the other day it was like, what do you want for the holidays?
And her answer was a baby. And I asked her later that night, I was like, what did you mean by a baby, like a doll baby? And she won't give me a straight answer. So I think she just wants to have another sibling. She wants a little brother.
Yeah.
Yeah. She has a little brother. She probably wants a little sister, but she won't. She like smile. I'm like, do you want a real life baby or a doll baby? And she just kind of smiles and just looks at me. I'm just like, God damn it. It won't give me an answer, but that's a bad one.
Yeah.
I can't have another baby.
Cannot. When a kid asks you for... Time up. Did you think about it, though? Or are you like, I can't disappoint my daughter? That sounds like you're about to have another baby.
We had a conversation like three months ago. It's actually The World Works in a particular way where we had a conversation. We were like...
what if and then my kids submitted like the worst night of like dinner and bedtime and bath and we're like haha that that's out the window you gotta get snipped i do you gotta get i gotta get a snipperino i'm just scared i don't want to what if you have what if you end up with 10 kids once you have like that would be a fun show six kids i feel like 10 kids i don't know why it would be fun i don't want yeah what would be fun about it i don't know i thought
I also don't want... I'm scared. I'm scared to get snipped. I know that's stupid, but I'm still scared.
No, March Madness is my favorite. That's what I was thinking. No, March Madness, I need to be full. I need to be full of cum.
Full of cum.
Your testicles need to be working in March Madness. Okay. Good show, boys. Memes, do you have a Fyre Fest?
memes oh he took his headphones off memes we're doing a podcast we're doing a podcast right now you're gonna have to put your headphones back on he has no headphones on memes put your head i mean the fact that you were turning mics off during a podcast last on wednesday is also not on he's just saying no memes no memes this is an order put The people want to hear this. Come on.
Put on your headphones. Hank, by the way, shout out our guy. Let me find it. Memes, put on your headphones. He's putting them on. They're not fully on.
Memes, I have good news for you. Here's the good news. Shout out to our guy, deck.dev, who does a really good job with the lottery ball website. Memes, you're not even top three longest days without getting it right. So Hank had a streak of 988 days. That's impossible.
that's three years so long 988 days uh max had 691 days that doesn't make sense to me yeah pft you had 558 days big drought and then memes you are at uh 407 days i'm after you at 366 days pug is pug has only gone 109 days is the longest pug has gone from getting hit so memes um Do you have a question for him, PFT?
Have you ever gotten this?
I couldn't hear you, but I'm opting out going forward. No, you can't do that. You cannot do that. You can't do that.
You can't do that. You are not allowed to opt out. This is what we do as a show. Nope. Memes. No, then you're opting out of everything. Done. Your job? Well, I'm... Are you quitting?
No speaking.
No, no. Then you're quitting. No, I can still do my job. No, your job is to guess a number here.
That's not my job.
Yes, it is. It's part of your job. It is 100% part of your job. Imagine if we opted out after a bad loss. That's our job. Do you just compare me to you? Well, I mean, you're opting out after one bad loss. One bad loss, and you've opted out. I was just like, the commander's got to hail Mary. I'm not talking about the Bears for the rest of the year.
Well, Big Cat co-host of the number one sports podcast compared to a guy named Memes guessing at lottery balls.
Oh, shit. That's very well said.
But it's your job. You're part of the team. You're part of the number one national sports podcast.
I'm opting out.
No, you can't opt out. You can't opt out. Yeah, Max can pick it.
But if you get it.
Yeah, then Max got it.
That's what he's going to say. What is the ruling going forward?
So, Memes, listen to me, okay? I want you to trust me because you did me a solid. You did a great job picking my number for me. I just want you to know that I am going to do everything I can to get you this lottery ball, okay? You'll never see a podcaster podcast as hard as I will the rest of the season.
You'll never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of the season. You'll never see a team play harder than we will the rest of the season. God bless.
No.
If you're opted out, you're never going to get it. Yeah, I guess. And this will count as days that you didn't get it. I guess that goes to somebody else.
opt back in say a number it's your it's the show dude come on don't do this this is going to be bad if you try to opt out and you're not opting out of just talking you can't do that why not because this is a podcast what do you mean why not just pick i'll let you pick the number first are you opting out of the booth Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Are you opting out of your job?
I don't understand this. No, no, no, just a lottery ball. But this is part of your job. No, you can't do that. This is part of your job. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.
And then you might be opting out of your job. I love you, memes. You're part of the team. You took one bad loss, and it was a horrific loss because BFT did get it before you, and you've never gotten it, which that sucks because you've never gotten it. Is that true? It's true. I looked at the stats.
I went twice as long and handled it like an absolute champ.
That's a lie.
That is an absolute lie. No, that's true.
Yeah, complaining is fine. Opting out is not fine.
Hank is the very definition of grace.
You can complain. You can bitch. You can do anything you want. That's totally fine. People like that shit from us. You can't opt out.
I guess I'm in. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, wow.
That's the spirit. Way to say it with conviction. Numbers. Go ahead, Memes.
Am I picking my own? Yeah, go ahead.
We need a ruling from Pug just to make sure this is all... By the way, Pug walked into the studio the other day and Memes just said, what's up, Hollywood?
Okay, great. Okay. Great. Great. Memes?
I'll go two for Ash and Jenty.
Okay.
Okay.
Back to back. Memes has gone to the dark side and created, he's Travis Hunter cardio king guy now. Just off that. All right.
It would be a great show if you guys lost the Heisman.
There we go. Did you not bet it too?
Memes, have you ever gotten this?
I have. No, no, no. I've guessed. You've never gotten this, dude. I've guessed. No, you've never gotten this. PFT, have you ever guessed a number right?
The question was, have you ever gotten this? Have you ever gotten this?
Tune in again. Have you ever gotten this? PFT has won it. He's never gotten it. Have you ever gotten this?
Have you ever gotten it? I got it. He got it. No, he got it. He got it.
I got it.
No, he didn't get it.
No, he didn't get it. He needed help getting the turkey. He needed help getting the ball.
Yeah, which is how it should always remain. That's the beauty of this show, is that we have never really thought that we're not just saying stupid shit with our friends. Sorry, Spotify. You have a...
Six. Fuck. You've never gotten this. God help us all if Jack gets this before me.
The entire fire fest was other people messing up. No, I screwed up the delivery. You're like, ah, Jacob couldn't do this. Max couldn't do that. Yes, he's back.
No, no, I'm not blaming Max. I'm just saying these are the events that transpired. He's opted back in.
Let's go. This is your Joker arc right now.
Dude, memes has always been the Joker.
I know, but it's now like everyone's seeing it in the light of day.
Yeah. He's truly a... He's an angry boy.
Also, you know what I realized the other day? We got too many Italians. That entire booth is Italians outside of Jack. Every single one of these fucking guys got a vowel on their last name. So they just get in that little box and they just get angry Italians. It's fucking nuts.
Memes turn into Joe Pesci right now.
Pug what?
Jack is confirmed half Italian. Oh, my God. All right.
So, yeah, it's just disgusting. Damn.
There's too many Italians in one booth. I like that we got locked up in a cell.
We should actually put a big Italy flag behind you guys. Just remind us every time. I would love that. Every time you get mad, we're like, oh, Italian. Are you mad? Like a chart, maybe. Like the zero to ten hurt chart at the hospital. It's just where are you right now? Are you angry or Italian? I'm just Italian.
No, memes is angry.
Yeah, memes is angry and Italian.
Yep.
Max, instead of saying thank you to our fans, do you have anything else to say about the Lions schedule?
Thank you for listening to everyone who listens to Apple Music, too. I think Apple Music does. Apple Podcast does. Apple Podcast. Thank you, everyone who listens to Apple Podcast. Google Play.
Google Play, yeah. Watch this on Rumble. Stitcher, is that still a thing?
Yep.
Hell yeah. I think Google might have got rid of Podcast. I think we're on iHeart.
I know. I feel like they play their division rivals only at home.
Oh, man. All right. Let's kick it to ourself. We got week 14 preview. We've got RG3, and then we've got some great Fyre Fest and a little lottery ball magic. Okay, before we get to the weekend preview, we're brought to you by our friends at GameTime. Football season is here.
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What do we got? So I got $138 to get in. Okay. And then the game time picks $267 corner end zone. Great seats kind of halfway up. Love to see the whole field.
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Get Coors Light delivered straight to your door. Visit CoorsLight.com slash take. Okay, boys. Week 14. It's getting late. This is not a great slate. We got six teams on a buys. Last buy week of the season. Broncos, Colts, Patriots, Commanders, Ravens, Texans. It has left us with, I would say, not the greatest groupings of games, but that usually is what gives us the most chaos.
There's a couple good ones out there. There's a couple good ones, but you would agree there's also some ones that we'll go through quickly. Yeah, we can just talk.
about draft picks right right uh okay so here's here's i i have the i have them ranked in kind of order uh one of the first ones that i thought was compelling uh i don't know this i think might be main tv falcons at vikings yep vikings cousins revenge game kirk cousins revenge games vikings minus five and a half over under 45 and a half all in the draft kings uh app uh
This is kind of do or die for the Falcons here because it feels like everything is trending in the wrong direction. And now you go up against a Vikings defense. Brian Flores knows Kirk Cousins from last year. He's going to blitz the fuck out of him. And here's a stat for you. Kirk Cousins, when he gets sacked three plus times, he is one in three straight up this year.
And he is one in five straight up when getting sacked three plus times over the last two seasons. Gun to your head. Do you think he gets sacked more than three times on Sunday?
I think he gets sacked more than three times. So I think the Vikings are going to win. Also, we talk about the In the Hunt graphic a lot on this show because it comes out, you know, what, two weeks ago, I think they debuted In the Hunt. Yeah. And how it can be like a very powerful narcotic if you are a fan of a bad team that is still featured in the In the Hunt graphic.
Because it tricks you into rooting for your team, even though you should actually be hoping that they lose as many games. I'm not talking about like as the games are playing, you all become fans and you root for your team to win during the game.
But it makes you think, oh, we still have a chance, and you almost never have a chance. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the team that's lurking in the hunt. Yeah. They're right there. With the Falcons, if anything fucks up with the Falcons, the Bucs are ready to just take that division and run away with it.
Welcome to part of my take presented by DraftKings. It's UFC 310 in Vegas. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Use code TAKE. That's code TAKE for new customers. Get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins when you bet just $5. Only on DraftKings. The crown is yours. Today is Friday, December 6th. And PFT, I think Dan Campbell has an addiction.
Yeah, the Falcons obviously have the tiebreaker because they beat them twice. But it is definitely... It feels like two teams going in the opposite direction right now. We talked about it, I think, two or three weeks ago when we were saying take the Bucs plus 400 to win the NFC South. Yeah. Just looking at the schedules and looking at how the Bucs are playing, getting healthier.
Yeah, this could be... Given the fact that the Bucs are playing the Raiders and the Falcons are playing the Vikings, this could be the week that the Bucs are now in first in the NFC South.
Yeah, so Aaron Jones had a bad fumble last week, and he's fixing it. I don't think he's in Kevin O'Connell's doghouse. In fact, kind of the opposite. They kind of nurtured him this week. Kevin O'Connell kept saying, like, I love Aaron. He's the best. Everybody loves Aaron. So what's the opposite of a doghouse? He's sleeping on the bed? Sleeping on the bed. Yeah, sleeping under the covers.
Sleeping under the covers on the bed. Yeah. He owns the bed now.
That would be the ultimate opposite of doghouse.
Yeah, so Aaron Jones, to fix the fumbling remedy, some guys carry around a football all week, and that teaches them not to fumble. He's been carrying around his children like footballs in his arms all week, teaching himself not to fumble. High and tight. I like this strategy. Has he been breastfeeding?
I don't know if he has, but it would mean that Aaron Jones has three generations of Joneses on his body at all times because he wears his dad's ashes in a necklace around his neck. So a lot of Joneses. I like this strategy of carrying your kids around.
I'd like to see how he does it, though, because if it's... if it's a baby and it's reverse, I think that's even funnier where it's the asses to his, to his like chest. Yeah. So the face is out. So he's carrying it around. The baby gets kind of like a good POV. You think he's palming his baby's face?
No, I would think back.
No, no, no, no. I'm saying he's, he's got the, he's got his hand on the, on the baby's chest.
Okay. Got it. Got it.
So, so, so the baby can like look out and he's holding it high and tight. That'd be kind of cool.
But then he's exposing his baby's head, exposing the end of the football. He's carrying his baby like a little.
You don't know if his baby can't slide. That's true. Yeah. We should give credit because sometimes we get caught in the trap of like, hey, this guy stinks. This guy stinks. Matty is an idiot. Sometimes some of us get caught in that trap. Kevin O'Connell has been elite in one score games. So he is 24 and nine straight up in one score games.
And it's the third best win percentage for any head coach in NFL history. Seven and one this year in one score games. He's such an awesome coach. And like that kind of is if you had to pick a stat for what makes a great coach, it might be one score games because those are the games where like, you know, blowout wins, blowout losses probably doesn't have a big factor.
The coaching one score games when you have to make decisions late in the fourth quarter. That's the definition of a great coach. And Kevin O'Connell is that.
Yeah, high-scoring, one-score games. Yeah. Where do you stand on that? I think he's probably pretty good at it. It's still weird to me that they didn't give him – he was doing a contract before the season, and then they just stopped during the season. They said, we'll figure it out later. I think next year would be his last season as a head coach for the Vikings.
I think that's what his contract is. What more did he have to do leading to this point to make you feel, if you're the owner of the Vikings, like this is our coach, we want to lock him up?
He went on expert mode and was like, here, you want me to make Sam Darnold good? Josh Dobbs. Remember that? Remember J.J. McCarthy? They should have locked him up. J.J. McCarthy's going to end up being the best quarterback from that draft class. Well, that's just what's going to end up happening after all this discussion and then J.J.
McCarthy is somehow going to be like the best player of all time.
Is it going to affect him at all that they play on artificial grass and so he can't properly ground himself before the games? They'll probably put a patch. Which is a patch on where you can also plant a flag if you get upset if you come in there and beat him.
Yeah. But yeah, I like the Vikings in this game and I do think the Falcons are in deep, deep trouble, especially because the way they lost that Chargers game. Their defense finally showed up and had a great game, and their offense completely let them down. I don't know. I feel like it's slowly, the air is coming out of the balloon for the Falcons.
And his addiction is doing the craziest fucking shit at every turn.
And it is Kirk Cousins' revenge week, but talking to Kirk, he doesn't seem, well, he made it seem like he gets into psycho Kirk mode, but I don't see a revenge game from Kirk. I see a turn-the-other-cheek game from Kirk.
Yeah, it sounded like when we did talk to him that the Commanders game would be more of a revenge game.
Yeah, and really, what does Kirk have to be upset about? A revenge game for paying me hundreds of millions of dollars?
Living an awesome life, the fans loving me? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, next up, Browns at Steelers. Steelers minus 6.5, over-under is 46. Have you guys watched any of the Hard Knocks?
He's addicted to being a psychopath. He is insane. Insane. Dan Campbell is insane, and this was a rare instance where it worked at the end, and I still think it was fucking crazy. Yeah.
I saw clips of it I watched the first part of it the other night I love Mike Tomlin more than anyone I think in the NFL right now it's crazy how awesome he is he is just he gets in front of a room and I you just get pumped up and then he was sitting watching tape There was this clip where he's sitting watching tape. He's got his feet up on the desk.
He's eating chili cheese Fritos, which are elite. And he's just like, yeah, we got to get physical with them. He said some clip like, this running back here for the Bengals, he doesn't know your name today, but he better know your name on Monday. And I was like, yes, let's go.
So, yeah, he's the best. I like all the coach speaks. Like when they get up in front of the team, they're like, this NFL schedule has been designed to crush you. It's been designed to defeat you. And then was it Stefanski or was it Zach Taylor that was like, you guys want to be in the playoffs? Stefanski. He's like, you're already in. Congrats, you're in the playoffs.
That's exactly what you say to a team that you know is not going to be very good. Like, congrats, guys. We made the playoffs because it's week one and everybody's in the playoffs.
Yeah. But Tomlin, man, I get it. I've obviously started to realize it, but I now fully, fully get it in the fact that watching him in front of a room. He opened up his house for the whole team for Thanksgiving. I like that. He's like, if anyone needs a place to go, come over to my house. And yeah, his big thing was either you're thriving or surviving.
If you're just surviving, figure out a way to thrive. The league will figure you out. Yeah. Just it's great. Makes me feel like I'm in a locker room. Yeah. And then Jameis doing like practicing cadences with no shoes on in the quarterback's room was pretty awesome. He's the best. It's good. The AFC North Hard Knocks is very good.
As for this game, fun fact, which I think I just memory hold because the Browns went and won a playoff game in Pittsburgh. But the Cleveland Browns have not won a regular season game in Pittsburgh since. Anyone got a guess? Baker? Miles Garrett. Give me a quarterback and a year if you can. Baker 2020. No. The Browns have lost. Mason Rudolph assault. No.
No, he did two things. It was not only that. It was going for it on his own 30 in, what was it, the third quarter? Yeah. I don't think he fully feels alive unless he's doing something that everyone in the stadium is like, no, what are you doing? Stop. Please stop. What did he do? He went for it. So, first of all, it was Lions win 34-31. Great, great game.
That's crazy.
Because they won in the playoff game, so it doesn't feel like that. Yeah. Isn't that insane?
That was the COVID playoff game. That was Stefanski. He was in his basement. Yeah, that's right. Isn't that nuts? Yeah, that's very depressing.
No, we got to give that. Come on, Hank.
Yeah, it was late. They had fans there. Probably first responders in the stadium. It was weird, but I'm going to count it. You got it. Come on, Hank. You hate Cleveland. Is that true, Hank? No, I didn't. I did. There was a guy, and I think he was being serious. And so hosting this show, we get a lot of fan bases that claim that we hate them.
We start to get a taste of the Joe Buck life. For the first time, there was a Browns fan that accused me directly. He's like, PFT, you've always hated the Cleveland Browns. And that, to me, is the last fan base that I would have expected that from. That one's weird. It's weird, right? I've gotten a couple weird ones.
I think it's because in the Baker-Brown split up, I dedicated— What do you smile at?
Memes?
Yeah, memes.
I agree with the Browns fan.
That I hate the Browns?
I just took Baker's side. I said you should have kept Baker when they did it.
Yeah, memes hates me right now. For the record, I don't hate memes. I love memes.
I also love memes.
So in that 20 years since the Browns have last won a regular season game in Pittsburgh, the Browns have only beaten the Steelers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8 times in the regular season total. So it's been...
Hammer and nail. And also coming off a very public win against the Steelers in primetime.
Yeah.
Very emotional win. Reverse. I feel like this is prime for a Tomlin shit-kicking.
Alex Highsmith is back. But I do hate the Browns. Yeah, you do. You do hate the Browns. I don't think the Browns are going to quit because of Jameis, but we are on quit watch for some teams right now. Yeah. This is definitely the part of the season... Also, did you guys see – wait, so back to that real quick.
What's the – that Browns fan saying that you hate the Browns is definitely one of the weirdest. I was trying to think which one I had. I can't remember, but there's always a stray one where it's like, what are you talking about, dude?
Yeah, I think sometimes we don't realize it because we just talk, and we say a stray comment can really affect somebody.
I get it as a fan.
What memes?
Vikings fans think you guys hate it.
Oh, I do hate the Vikings, but that's because they're in the NFC North. I don't hate the Vikings at all.
Yeah, that was all of 2019 maybe.
I also just want to say, if you pick against a team, that doesn't mean you hate the team. Someone's got to cover the spread.
Unless it's me and the Browns. Unless it's you and the Browns. Very personal. And you are taking the Steelers. I just said, this is Mike Tomlin shit-kicking.
Yeah. Did you see Mike Tomlin's quote about Joey Porter getting flagged six times? He said, when we play Shaq, we're going to use our fouls.
Yeah. Yeah, well, all right, so this week they've got Land Clark officiating. Oh. You know Land? And his crew, they like to throw a lot of pass interference flags. That should be a stat for the offense and for the defense too. Yeah. And actually not a bad stat for the defense because if you commit pass interference, it means that your quarterback was in position to make a play. True.
Probably one of the best Thursday night games we've had. It was 45 seconds left, fourth and inches on the 19-yard line or 20-yard line, wherever it was. Going in. Going in, and Dan Campbell could have kicked the field goal and given the Packers maybe 40 seconds left.
But it should be a good stat for the – like what quarterbacks out there right now – I feel like Russ would not be a bad pass interference quarterback with the moon balls. No.
He would be good. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, if you got late hands getting them up there. Yeah, although Joey Porter. Joey Porter. He does get – Well, the Steelers might be very good at drawing offensive pass interference and also very bad at committing defensive pass interference.
That's true. I'm backing it. I'm believing on the Steelers. This team makes no sense to me because they're good, but I also don't... I'm going to need Russell Wilson to win another Super Bowl for me to say he's not washed. Is he back in the Hall of Fame? He might be. He might be.
Should we leak our news?
It's also hard for – oh, yeah, let's leak our news in a second. It's hard. I don't know if you guys struggle with this as well. It's very difficult for me to make a quick transition on a team on what I expect from them. I don't expect the Steelers to score a lot of points and have explosive plays.
They clearly can do that with this offense, but my brain is not caught up, and it probably won't catch up for like four to five years.
Yeah. We talked about this with RG3 a little bit, but do you know what I'm saying? That you can get a vibe for the Steelers' offense pretty early in the game just on how fast Najee Harris looks. Correct. Just on the eyeball test. His first run, is he doing the slow two-footed hop to the side and get tackled for one yard? Or is he breaking it to the outside and hitting the hole hard?
If he hits the hole hard on the first run, I feel like that's instantly Steelers' offense will be good that day.
Yeah, I agree. Yeah, you want to bleak it? Well, let's bleep it out. Can we bleep this out? What are you going to say, Max?
No, because this is a game in the division.
Wait, so what would be the look-ahead?
No, because they just lost to the Browns. And they're in the division.
It was a prime time loss.
And also, if you watch Hard Knocks, they all take a lot of pride in division games. I didn't watch Hard Knocks.
You don't watch football during the week.
You sure you can do it?
What? Our knowledge.
Max. It's literally on your app.
I think it was Che.
That was a stupid question. So should we leak this news? Yeah. But maybe let's just bleep out the second part of this guy's name. Oh.
Hold on. I want to read this, too, because I actually was too busy today that I saw it, but I didn't process it. But go ahead. I'm going to read along.
Okay. So me and Big Cat got a text today from a guy at Barstool named Jersey. Bleep out the second part of that so they can't figure out who it is. he has been contacted by a representative from Russell Wilson. And he said, I was a day one believer. Everybody counted him out. I defended him. I'm so happy he's a Steeler. He's done so much in a short time.
Instead, he went for it on fourth down to get that extra time off the clock and be able to end the game without the Packers getting the ball back. But he went for it on fourth down after getting stuffed on third down And if you don't get it there, you could lose in regulation. It's going to overtime. You could just kick the field goal with 40 seconds left. But no, no, no.
And the representative was very happy that Jerry was out there defending Russ. Jerry sent us a screen grab of this and said, oh my God, guys, don't leak this yet. And I was confused what he meant by, what does he not want us to leak?
uh that he's friends that he's dm'd with russell wilson's manager yeah and he said well don't leak this i said leak what he said this thread i'm going to ask for a meet and greet with russie is that too fast and i said what would we leak he says the thread eric the messages this is massive for me In an update, this person said, have you met Russ yet? I want to make it happen.
And then Jerry says, no, I want to so bad with three exclamation points.
Also, I'm looking at this first time. Jerry, he's heart in too many messages.
Yeah. So I told him every single one of her messages. I said, are you hearting every message? He said, yeah. Is that too much? It might be too much. He might be a little strong. It might be because there's, I think, five messages from this person. He's hearted all of them.
Oh, no, he's mad at me now because I told him we were going to maybe leak this.
Well, we didn't leak it. We bleeped out his name.
Yeah. Also, what would be the leaking of this? Yeah. Hello? Hey, Jerry, we're live on PMT right now. We bleeped out the second part of your name, but we did leak your messages. Is that a problem?
Why? Why?
No, it's all positive stuff. If anything, this will actually make it like this person can't back out now because if they back out, it's like, hey, what did you do to Jared? I think you're actually right.
Yeah. To steal a play from Providence Twitter, this is hashtag the meet and greet. Yeah. When are you meet and greeting him?
Jerry, one thing I noticed, why are you spelling it M-E-A-T and greet?
What does full access mean?
No holds barred.
Pre-post?
Why don't we start with just meeting him?
Okay, that's fair. Now, what dates are you looking at?
14 picks and preview and we also have some contentious moments at the end of the show with memes and the whole squad and it's all brought to you by our friends at DraftKings end the year with a bang in advance strikes and takedowns UFC 310 is live from Vegas jumping on all the action at DraftKings Sportsbook the official sports betting partner of UFC
All right, but you can't miss streaming.
But it's been leaked, but that's okay. Let's put pressure on them.
Rusty Riders. Rusty Riders. Jerry, who do you like this weekend? Do you like them to cover? Steelers or Browns?
Okay. All right. Thanks, Sherry. See you.
All right. Bye. All right. The meet and greet and pre and post. Pre and post.
Yeah. That was crazy that Max tried to bring in the Eagles for this.
Okay, next game. You know what? Before I say the next game, I'm going to give a trivia. Let's see who can get it. Who leads the NFL in receptions this year? Adam Thielen. It's been hard for so much of the year, Hank. PFT? This shocked me. I got it wrong. So don't feel bad if you get it wrong. I got it wrong when I saw it. Is it Garrett Wilson? It is not Garrett Wilson. Any guests in the booth?
Dan Campbell's like, fuck it. I'm a psycho. I'm going to make sure they never get the ball back. I'm going for this on fourth down.
Memes is a good one.
Brock Bowers?
It is Brock Bowers. Memes knows the ball. Brock Bowers. So we're going to do Raiders at Bucs. Bucs minus six and a half over under 46. Brock Bowers is first in receptions. He's fourth in yards. I know that it will go to a quarterback, but Brock Powers is the best tight end in the NFL. He should win rookie of the year. I disagree. I understand why you have to disagree.
I just in principle have to disagree.
I understand why. But you see what I'm saying? He is literally the best player at his position in the NFL as a rookie. It's also the fact that the Raiders don't really have anything else. Correct. So their opponents know that they have to get him the ball no matter what.
And they have not great quarterbacks throwing him the ball.
And they're still getting him the ball.
He's that good. It's an insane season.
Do you think the fact that he literally doesn't look like a rookie? Maybe. In and out of his helmet? Maybe. That has something to do with it? It's like, oh, this guy is basically like a BYU player playing against other guys.
I was just trying to figure out ways to talk about the Raiders without being a big bummer. Yeah. And Brock Bowers is that. Brock Bowers is awesome. Yeah, he's incredible. Do we think Mike Vrabel is going to be the next coach of the Raiders? No, because I think he's going to the Bears. I think he might be the next coach of the Raiders. Brady. Yeah. The Brady connect.
The risk-reward was insane in that. Because what he ended up doing was he got the first down, and then he just proceeded to take 40 seconds off the clock and kick the field goal with no time left. So he defeated... He defeated Matt LaFleur, and he also defeated the clock. Yeah. He defeated time tonight. He's 1-0 against time.
Doesn't it feel like that, maybe?
I think the Bucs will probably win this game, though, and maybe cover it. Because it does feel like the Raiders, that was everything on their season against the Chiefs.
Yeah, everything's going good for them right now. Everything's looking good if you're a Bucs fan. Yeah. I know it was close against the Panthers. And Baker's banged up. Baker's banged up.
He hasn't played great in the last couple games.
But Mike Evans had that sick catch. He did.
Yeah.
Because Mike Vrabel's a really good coach and Antonio Pierce, who we like, maybe isn't. Is that a fair answer? I guess. If you're going based off... I mean, Antonio Pierce is one... I know the team is bad, but I think Mike Vrabel's a better coach than Antonio Pierce.
Yeah. Antonio Pierce would be so pissed off if a Patriot took his job.
Yeah. He would. Maybe Jets, too. I saw there was a Jets Mike Vrabel conversation. That should happen.
I did see that. He wants control of the GM choice, and then he would consider.
So he wants to pick the GM.
He wants control, and he doesn't care what Bill Belichick thinks about Woody Johnson. That's what the report was.
I mean, that's smart to demand control.
I don't think he's going to come here. No. I think he might be the Raiders head coach.
So wait, does Vrabel, he says that he wants control over who the GM will be or he wants control over personnel?
That's what the tweet was. He wants to choose the GM so they're on the same page. Got it.
Okay. Got it. Yeah, the Bucs. I think Monday morning the Bucs are going to be NFC South, top of the NFC South. We get a pirate off in this game. Yeah.
big time i like the bucks yeah uh okay panthers at eagles eagles minus 12 and a half over under 46 i'll say it i think this is if the eagles have to win this game by a lot for me to take them for real how much is a lot they have to cover if i want if i want to take them for real this is kind of a huge game trust tree yeah
You're looking ahead, but it's not divisional.
Max, would you ever think playing against the Giants, you would look ahead if you had the Steelers?
Yeah, and we were having a debate after the game. I mean, I would have just kicked a field goal, but I'm not Dan Campbell. But the one thing I've always said about Dan Campbell is he's consistently psycho. And Stephen Shea was sitting next to me. He's like, they're going to lose a game. That's going to cost them. I was like, yeah, it might, but...
Max, can I make you feel better about this game? Because I think the Eagles are going to kill him.
But no, I actually disagree. I think the Panthers have covered a couple games in a row, so people are kind of wise to the Panthers aren't as bad as they used to be. The Eagles defense is elite. They're top five in total defense. They're also top five in run defense, which the Panthers are going to want to try to do, which they won't be able to do. And then the Panthers run defense is 31st in DVOA.
I think this could be the game that Nick Sirianni goes video game controller and tries to get sequel on the MVP.
I actually think we should contemplate for our TD parlay. Saquon 2?
Saquon 2. The problem with that is if this goes according to plan for the Eagles, it's going to be a blowout, and then Barkley might not stay in the game.
But I think they're going to – and I'm not basing this off anything, but I'm just taking a guess. Could we potentially see, instead of the tush push at goal line, Saquon trying to get some TDs? Fake tush push? No, or just Saquon just running the ball normally and scoring that way because the Panthers defense –
Okay, but it's just like Saquon, his numbers are there. Maybe he needs a couple more TDs because Jalen Hurts has vultured some, so they might just pump him up a little bit this week.
Max, do you think that the tush push is getting back to pre-post-Kelsey levels of effectiveness?
No, no, this is not a trick question at all.
Does it still give you like that same rush that you used to get?
You wouldn't be more excited if it was Jason Kelsey?
I've realized what it is with Max when he gets stuck in his senses, in his own brain. It's because he is actively thinking about whether or not his answer is going to give us something to make fun of him for later.
But he doesn't realize that no matter what his answer is, we'll find a way. Sometimes we just have conversations, Max. Because like 95%, that seems like that's pretty good, but there's also 5% where that could be Game of Inches. Ever heard of that?
95%?
They went for it on fourth down on their own 31 in the third quarter that did not work. And so I feel like Dan Campbell's got this algorithm in his head, this big balls algorithm that's like, if we just go for it enough on fourth down, enough of them will go our way and we'll come out winners.
Meme's reactions are so funny in this episode. Here, Max, I got a good stat for you. Uh, teams off overtime are 44% against the spread over the last decade. Uh, so 44% against spreads bad and the spreads 12 and a half. So even if the Panthers cover, the Eagles can still win comfortably. Eagles are going to win this game, Max.
That's basically making money. This is a non-NBA Cup division.
Max, you're going to win this game.
You did so good for a little bit.
So Baldiani undefeated after he shaved his head. Is he going to reshave his head or is it just like this new hair, whatever's growing in his good that's winning hair?
Here's maybe your answer. What if we have already hit our full of it? We had so many in September and October. Raiders over Ravens. Remember the first four weeks where it was just every single week there'd be an eight-point dog that would lose outright?
We did get one two weeks ago.
Yeah, but it's still like... It was like an 11-point spread. But it's also like... What? It's also what? It's also what?
Okay, put it in the bulletin board. Don't the Commanders have more Super Bowls than the Eagles?
He feels like Tin Cup if he was a football coach. Just constantly challenging, staring death in the face repeatedly when he knows that he shouldn't. He probably knows it's a problem, too. After the game, after the adrenaline rush wears off, have you ever done anything really stupid in your life and you got away with it? A lot of things. A lot of shit?
Yeah, we do.
Three times? How many do you have? I think it's three times. Were you alive? Three times more? Yes, I was. Three times more? Were you? Yeah. I was alive for two of them. Okay. Saints and Giants. Giants minus four and a half over under is 41. Giants haven't covered in seven straight games. Yeah, there's a lot of depressing stats out there about the Giants.
This game is not. This is going to suck. Because no Taysom Hill to me just means that the Saints are back to just a lot of Derek Carr. Yeah, too much Derek Carr. I like a little bit of Derek Carr. Oh, I do too. Sprinkle him in there, but you also have to have the crazy Taysom Hill plays where it makes you excited as a viewer to watch, but we're not even going to get that.
There is a storyline, big storyline. I'm going to do the PFT guaranteed graphic of the week that they will show at some point during the game. Darren Rizzi and Brian Dable, both on the staff of the 2011 Dolphins together. Wow. So they'll show the coach's picture from that staff. That's as exciting as this game is going to get.
Are either Darren Rizzi or Brian Dable going to be head coaches next year? I think over under a half, I'd take the over. I think I might take the under. I think it's going in the wrong direction for the giants right now. I think they might clean the hole. He's a good coach, but I think they might. I, this is a quick game. Yeah. This is a quick game for sure.
Although drew lock is playing for a contract, I guess ish. Is that good though? Yeah. You might try too hard. Yeah. And I don't think the saints are very good. Um, Yeah, this game stinks.
Bad game. This is going to be a bright, sunny day in New York, and it's going to be cold as fuck. And the Meadowlands, that stadium gets brighter in the sun and the cold than any other stadium.
Yep, you're absolutely right. Okay, next game, the... Jaguars at the Titans. Titans minus three over under is 40. So if the Jaguars lose this game, they will remain with the first pick.
This might be the NFL makes no sense game of the week. What, that they're just playing it and putting on TV? Yeah, you're going to be watching and be like, what is this? Yeah. None of these plays make sense.
Do you think there's any, first of all, Aziz Alshair doing the Joker memes and being like, if you want me to be your villain, I'll be your villain. See you soon. It's like, no, dude, we just want you to not concuss a quarterback when he's sliding. That was an interesting thing.
And people obviously ran with the whole Trevor Lawrence out four weeks and Aziz Alshair is only suspended for three weeks. Like, yeah, no duh, suspension's not going to be as long as an injury sometimes.
Yeah, that's kind of how it works.
Yeah, like what are we talking about?
Yeah, I do like the fact that he's making himself the villain. Yeah. But he's literally doing I Can't Exist. Yeah. And so I'm just going to go Joker on you. You should get an Aziz Al-Shahir jersey. Or just get your face painted like the Joker.
Actually, this is a question for you, Hank. I've been thinking about betting the Jaguars in this game. And the reasoning behind it is, is there a chance Mac Jones is like, hey, if I want to stick in the league, I got to throw at least one good game out there.
You know that feeling that you get when you wake up the next morning and you're like... Fuck, that was dangerous.
Yeah, no, he's trying to do that, but it might not happen or be able to happen. It might not physically be possible.
No, I don't think it is. Okay. Yeah. So, you know, Ladd McConkie, he is the lead leaguer in rookie receptions as a wide receiver. Brian Thomas is 50 yards away from that. So Brian Thomas Jr. is having a great season for the Jaguars. And I feel like if you get him the ball, then the offense can look average for the Jaguars at times.
average the titans kind of quit last week too yeah they did and i think that that's this is another quit game yeah where both teams are eligible to quit uh i actually you know what i might do in this game man it's stupid because it's divisional game i was gonna say what if i i might just bet like adjusted line titans minus nine and a half and jaguars minus nine and a half and be like hope one of the teams quits
I could have died. I shouldn't have done that. Yeah. And then later on in life, you think back to how dumb you were as a kid and you get scared all over again for what you did. Dan Campbell wakes up after game days and he's like, oh, fuck, I did it again.
yeah one of the two will uh this is interesting mac jones stat here uh in his two starts this year the jaguars didn't reach double digits so i don't know if he's capable of breaking out yeah it sounds like he's not capable uh last early slate game jets at dolphins dolphins minus five and a half over under 45 memes
I'm excited. For? For Enigma? No, to see how Aaron Rodgers responds. So we have an Aaron Rodgers chip on his shoulder game. He's calling out the owner subtly in the press conference this week.
When he was saying, like, I shouldn't have to prove myself? Yeah. He said, yeah, he said, someone asked, like, is this prove it last five weeks? He says, that's ridiculous. With all due respect, they want me to stay fantastic. If it takes them five games, maybe they don't know what I bring to the table. That being said, I'd love to play really frigging well the last five games.
Yeah, so I'm interested to see if he actually has greatness in him. I don't. And if he could sling it. Right. As a football fan. He also just redid his house in New Jersey, he said. So my Giants could still be.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's true.
That could happen.
Did Ulbricht say anything about Rodgers maybe not being the quarterback? No, he said he's our quarterback. He's our quarterback?
Yeah, wait. If it's like remodeling the bathroom and the kitchen, then that's to increase value of the home. Do we know what rooms?
I don't want them to win. I want them to play well. That's a perfect answer. The Jameis loss. That's what I want.
You want Rodgers to throw for over 300 yards if she hasn't done in like three years, and you want the Jets to lose.
Jets to lose. Alan Lazard's coming back. He's an Alan Lazard merchant. Yep. So I think the offense should sling it.
No sauce Gardner though.
No sauce. Uh, the defense probably get run out all over.
Yeah. I was going to say no sauce Gardner against the dolphins. Offense is tough.
Yeah.
I think it's gonna be a high score game. Uh, I got to give credit to it. Did you guys see his quote? Yeah. It was very cool. Most guys wouldn't do that, but he was asked how surprised he is by the team's 5-7 record. He said, nobody else will say it but me. I feel like this has a lot to do with myself, obviously putting myself in harm's way in the second game, basically leaving my guys out to dry.
that's a lot of accountability yeah because nobody wants to be like if if he didn't get concussed we would be better and he needs to be better at not being concussed right for us to win but yeah there's there's times where you can avoid hits yeah and try to yeah i think it's good for him to say yeah i do too so uh we're gonna we're gonna root for a good aaron rogers performance good aaron rogers performance uh jets also haven't beat tua so there's your stat for the day have the jets won since you said that aaron rogers is top five and everything
Texans? Maybe. I think it was after the Texans game before.
Yeah, it was.
It was after a Thursday before Sunday.
It feels like you're really attacking memes here, big guy. I'm not. I'm just asking questions. He's just a solid Jets fan. He's been through a lot of shit. He's trying to find silver lining. We should applaud this optimism. He's patronizing you. We should applaud this optimism from you. He's patronizing you. He is patronizing you.
I'm not patronizing you. I like your take memes that just have Rodgers show that he has some life but lose the game. That's it. Show you're still good at football. Don't go outside. Right.
Are you going to be watching his Netflix special?
Yeah, I think so. Nice. Some more torture for yourself.
There's never been a bigger dumpster fire of a team that's provided as much documentation of how things are falling apart as the Jets have recently. That's what makes it feel even more mean and pointed, where it's like a normal bad team you can turn your head away from, but with the Jets, they're like, well, you have to consume all this brand new content that we have coming out.
You hear what this guy's saying, Memes? I'm hearing it.
Memes, if you had to kill me, what method would you choose?
Hmm. Max wants explosion. Yeah, bomb. Not a big murderer.
I feel like you'd poison him.
That's what chicks do. Yeah. Chicks poison. Maybe just beat his brain to pulp.
And this double blew Max's mind. Max is double mad right now because, one, obviously the Packers, they lost. Max was hoping that they were going to win. But then, two, he hears us talk about Dan Campbell and all his brain translates it into is if this was Nick Sirianni, you guys would make 45 minutes out of what a turkey is on the podcast.
I just have a feeling memes might show up dressed in all black with a mask and a backpack on, and that happens. Avenge me.
Memes, don't do this to PFT, okay?
Nothing about it.
Okay. All right. Afternoon games. We got three. Sucks. We have three again. Seahawks at Cardinals. But again, last bye week. Seahawks at Cardinals. Cardinals minus three over under 44 and a half. So I don't know what to do with this game. Mike McDonald had a baby on Tuesday. That's good.
I think that's good for a coach. Might give you too much perspective, though.
Yeah. The Seahawks defense has gotten better, but according to my guys at Sports Info Solutions, they rank as the second worst defense in success rate allowed for the year against play action. Okay. Cardinals can run play action. And I also just feel like it's one of those situations where the Cardinals lost a game to the Seahawks two weeks ago, three weeks ago. Revenge spot, Seahawks.
Sorry, Cardinals. Cardinals because they lost in Seattle. Yeah. The Seahawks, they've beaten the Cardinals six in a row.
Wow.
Yeah, and so far as the head coach, Jonathan Gannon hasn't beaten the Seahawks. He's 0-3 against the Seahawks. Okay. But the Seahawks are a very strange team where week to week you have no idea what's going to happen. I like the Cardinals and I like it low scoring. I do too. Maybe a little just heavy Connor running game. Yeah. This might be like the James Connor three touchdown game.
Without a dog in the fight, I want the Cardinals to win just because I want the NFC West to be a clusterfuck all the way to the last game of the season.
We have no idea.
Yeah, yeah. By the way, breaking moves. Breaking news. Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyree Kill just had a baby girl. He'll now reportedly has 10 plus children in 30 years of life. Oh wait, that's December 2nd.
What does 10 plus mean?
Yeah. How many is that?
So we should maybe bet Tyreek Hill? But he has so many.
He scores a lot of touchdowns. How many times has he scored on a baby bird?
Maybe that's why he scores all those touchdowns.
Ten plus.
Does it? When you throw the plus in there, yeah. Or is it just like that's the most babies that you can have? So you count each individual baby, and then once you hit double digits, it becomes 10 plus.
10 hits. 10 plus children. Maybe it's just an adjective like they're really awesome children. I mean, it's 10 plus children. His sperm are just as fast as he is. Close to a whole team. All right. Afternoon game number two, Bills at Rams. Rams plus 3.5 over under 49.5. This is a very important game for the Rams. They need to win this game. Otherwise, they're in trouble.
But that's the thing. Dan Campbell is consistently crazy.
Also, just a shout-out, Sean McDermott and Josh Allen. If the Bills win this game... Sean McDermott will be his fifth straight 11-win season. The only coaches to do that are Bill Belichick, Tony Dungy, Andy Reid, and Tom Landry. Pretty good company. Yeah, really good. That's Bill Belichick with Tom Brady. That's Tony Dungy with Peyton Manning. That's Andy Reid with Patrick Mahomes.
That's Tom Landry with Roger Staubach. That's pretty good company.
Yeah, it's really good. He's been an elite regular season coach. I like the Bills in this. I think the Bills are a better team than they've been given credit for all year and getting Matt Milano back on defense and shoring some of that up. I really, really like the Bills this season. I think that they're kind of a slept-on team.
I agree. Hank, Rams and the Hungry Dog? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why is that travel travel? I just think this is, I don't know if the Rams can win this game, but three and a half. I, the Rams have to win this game. Like it's a kitchen sink game. Sean McVay throwing everything at the wall.
Yeah, the kitchen sink game, didn't factor that in. He's 1-0 in those this year. When I say the Bills are slept on, obviously nobody out there thinks that the Bills are a bad football team. They all think that they're a very good football team. I think that they're a great football team.
No, no, the narrative going into the season was rebuilding year, so now we're in December and they're vying for the one seed. Respect the fact that they rebuilt kind of on the fly.
Yeah, I think they're a great team and they're having a great season. Micah Hyde's back. It's going to tell me a lot. That's what it is for the Bills. It's going to tell me a lot about you, Bills, this weekend.
That's a good point. Nick Sirianni does dumb shit all the time.
Tell me a lot.
Are you for real?
Are you for real? Tell me, are you for real? Okay. Also, Stafford has an ankle sprain, so we'll see what happens to that. But I'm sure he'll be fine. He's a gamer.
The Rams picked up Emmanuel Forbes off waivers, who was released by the Commanders. Did you see the video of him?
No.
He gets skinnier every single day. It's actually insane how tiny this guy is. Can we pull up the... Yeah, watch the video of him practicing with the Rams. Oh, he's already out there practicing? Yeah, he was on the field.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he is very skinny. Look at that. Whoa. He looks like an alien, doesn't he?
Yeah, I think it's also because of the helmet. Oh, he's got the guardian cap on. Yeah, definitely. But no, he looks very skinny. He should never wear a guardian cap. He looks very skinny. I could run over him.
All right, Bears, 49ers. 49ers minus three and a half over under is 44. I think this is going to be a Thomas Brown bump game.
I'm down for an interim coach bump game. Yeah. Do you know anything about him that would make him a great interim coach?
I think he's just a fiery guy. He also has lost 22 pounds since November 12th. He said it's because he's gotten so busy.
That's the only difference. Dan Campbell does a lot of aggressive stuff that is borderline dumb. So does Nick Sirianni. No, but this was one example where... No, Nick Sirianni does a lot of dumb, dumb stuff. This was one example where Dan Campbell did something that was dumb...
Okay.
He's gotten two job promotions. He said if you increase tasks to your day, you forget about food. Uh, I, I'm, I don't know if he's like traditionally, like he's not a huge guy, but it's more how much everyone hated Matt Eberflus. Yeah. Uh, which by the way, we should give one compliment to Matt Eberflus.
Cairo Santos was asked, uh, you know, about Matt Eberflus and he said he made the grass at soldier field. Amazing. which he did. He did after the 49ers game two years ago when it was that monsoon. He had them change the grass at Soldier Field, and it's been significantly better since. So Matty Ruffalo's great legacy.
Yeah, you can't tell the story. Once the Bears win multiple Super Bowls, you'll have to give credit to Matty Ruffalo.
But that's a hell of a quote to have your kicker be like, hey, say something nice about the coach that just got fired. Yeah, like, dude, he changed the grass. It's cool.
Well, also, the kicker saying that is a little different than if it was, like, a lineman saying it. Like, he made it good for kicking. Yeah, yeah. I also... Are you trying to impress Kyle Shanahan this week? Well, Florio did do a fan fiction. He did?
And I liked it.
Which you've adopted for him.
And I read it. Yeah, I've totally adopted it. Are you kidding me? I mean, I've been thinking about it for a while now, but I'm totally in on this. And Kyle Shanahan did do a press conference where he just said, Caleb Williams is as talented as there is. And he was born to play the position. So, yeah, I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. Are the Niners just bad? Yeah, they're bad.
I think they might be just bad. They're just bad this year.
We just got to accept the fact that they're just not good.
Yeah, they're bad. Their offense doesn't look great. Can't score in the red zone. Defense isn't what it was at all. Yeah. Just completely different team right now. Yeah. Also, a little update on what the Walls reported last September. Oh, yeah? Chris McCaffrey posted on Instagram that he's looking forward to returning and playing better than ever. So he's back next year. Not just this year.
He's back next year.
So that's as much of a non-retirement as you can get.
Yeah.
He's not retiring.
Not even close.
Not even close to retiring. Okay. Last game. Sunday Night Football. Chargers to Chiefs. Chiefs minus four over under 43. Did you see Harbaugh give away the lunch pails? It's such a blue-collar guy. Just love it. I unfortunately think this is the Chiefs' spot.
So the lunch pails, they said, what, Stalwart was on one of them? Stalwart, yeah. That's a Harbaugh word. That is a Harbaugh word. Harbaugh read that in a Hemingway novel and was like, I'm putting that on there.
Yeah, Stalwart. Ladd-McConkie might not be playing in this game, which that is a very significant injury for the Chargers offense that is limited to begin with.
Yeah, so his knee and his shoulder is fucked up.
Yeah. Harbaugh was like, he went as long as he could go.
Yeah. And then he came out. Thank you for your service, Ladd.
Yeah, the Chargers, when Ladd McConkie's targeted, is .55 EPA per play, and when he's not, .08. That's pretty significant.
yeah we'll see what happens with the chargers defense and this chiefs offensive line too well dj humphries might be coming uh playing for left tackle which would be big for the chiefs but i just aren't we kind of like the uh conversation of the nfl makes no sense aren't we due for chiefs flexing on people and being like hey we're not bad a reverse makes no sense yeah no Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe. Are they, though? I don't know. This is why we're having a preview. Are they good? I think they are. This has to be the Chargers. Why? Right. It has to be the Chiefs.
No, they're going to get to play off anyway.
Yeah, you can fail a test and then still ace it later.
Sounds like you have a Chargers not make the playoffs bet.
We kind of are right now.
Yeah, I think it's... Look, I'm being honest. I never said the Chargers were going to win every game.
What do you mean? I never said the Chargers were going to win every game the rest of the way. I think the Chiefs are going to win this game.
I understand. Once they get to the playoff, the Chargers have to win a playoff game and we'll have a great number. And then we'll flex on Hank on our cash out.
Wouldn't they be much more likely to win a playoff game if they won a game like this? I don't think it matters.
But there's no like. No, but he's crazy. He's psycho. But again, he is consistent. He has a way of doing it, and he's always going to put. Dan Campbell's basically driving a car with his foot on the gas to the floor at all times.
I think they're probably locked in to the spot they're in.
I'm being honest, and I think the Chiefs are going to win this game. I hope the Chargers win, unless I bet on the Chiefs.
Where else can you go after the lunch pail? The hard hat? Yeah. He might even just get a jackhammer. Yeah, he's got a few more tricks in his bag.
Fuck you.
All right, let's do our picks. By the way, with the Chiefs, what are the chances of them trying to fix some of their offensive stuff by bringing B&B back?
Is that the perfect Andy Reid thing to do again?
Yeah. Also, maybe the greatest agent press release ever by Eric P. Enemy's agent. He got fired from UCLA today, and his agent said, Eric and UCLA mutually parted ways today. As previously planned, he's still getting paid by the commanders.
After interviewing for head coaching jobs last year, he wanted to stay active and busy, so he decided to go help out Deshaun Foster, who is like his little brother at UCLA, as opposed to sitting out a year. The plan was always to return to the NFL in 2025, and he's looking forward to the opportunities ahead. I'm not owned.
I like that. The conversation was, you're fired. I agree. Yeah.
This was always the plan, dude. I was always going to not be here next year.
It wasn't even a coaching gig, really. It was, I'm going to go help out my buddy. Yeah, my little brother. Yeah, if you look at his title, it wasn't offense coordinator. It was... Here to help out.
Yeah, but you're exactly right. Special Assistant Eric Bien-Aimé. Yeah, they're going to bring him back. It's going to happen. Should we do a TD parlay first, and then we'll do our picks? Do we want to do the Saquon too?
I am... PFT's out. I'm out this week. I'm recusing myself from the touchdown. Well, you can pick Saquon, and Big Cat can pick Saquon.
Okay. No, Max is back in. PFT's out because he's lost the last couple weeks. By the way, DraftKings every day is game day. DraftKings Sportsbook now through the end of the year is extra special. All customers will get a special daily promo every single day from Profit Boost, Odd Boost, No Sweat Bets, and more. There's something for everyone. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now.
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And the gas meter is like right on empty. He's like, I think we can make it. Let's pass this exit.
Can we get some conviction together, boys? Bijan. Okay. Max.
He's just always like, we're never going to take our foot off the gas. And I think that that's why it works. I think that's why they have 11. That was their 11th straight win. They're 12-1.
No, I'm going to do the last one. Or are you going to do a late game? I want to do a late game.
Also, someone doesn't have to score.
That's just not right.
We want to win.
Winning is the best part of this.
All right, let's do our picks. Who's up first?
so last week we did no no no no so PFT did went first for the Thanksgiving pick and then you went first right after okay for the snake so do you want to pick first again or does Hank wait what no Hank would pick first no if I went first after then I shouldn't go first okay then Hank Hank
And what's crazy is it was December 5th, three years ago, that they got their first win of the season.
Me and Big Cat, 13-14. Hank, 12-14-1. The other co-host, 11-16.
All right. I'm going to take the Bengals minus 5.5.
Oh, that's too bad.
He was trying to leave that for me. He wanted me to go head-to-head with him.
You kind of fucked that up, dude. I'm going to take the Bucs minus 6.5. Bucs minus 6.5.
All right, I'm going to take the Bears plus 3.5, and then I will take the Falcons-Vikings under 45.5.
I'm going to take the Seahawks Cardinals under 44 and a half.
Under Dan Campbell. The Lions beat the Vikings with that walk-off touchdown. And now they have their 12th win. Completely flipped it. Week 14. I want to address Max's point, though.
I'm going to take the Brown Steelers over 43 and a half.
You love them. Good pick.
What was Memes' pick? He took the Brown Steelers over.
Love that pick.
What?
It was a good pick. I was going to take it.
Patronizing?
If I had a third pick, I would have voted for Obama a third time if I had a chance.
All right.
Yeah, you guys should. Oh.
No, that would be great.
I'd love to see PFT on a basher party.
What is that supposed to mean? I don't know what that means.
I don't know what it means either, but I said it. Yeah, you did say it.
Sounded cool. All right, before we get to RG3, awesome interview with RG3, by the way. Fancy Fuckboys, this segment is brought to you by Body Armor, real hydration, real ingredients, packed with electrolytes, vitamins, and nothing artificial. Body Armor sports drink has a great tasting flavor like strawberry banana and blue raspberry.
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Max, if that happened to the Eagles and Nick Sirianni makes a crazy, crazy play call on fourth down, he's rolling the dice, going for it, and Jalen Hurts' foot gets stepped on, do you think Jalen Hurts can make a game-winning play in a Super Bowl after he gets stepped on?
Candy corn.
Yeah, that was mine too!
A rug pull like what we did to my friend Maury in his wig shop.
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You can only cheer for UNC or Duke no matter what. You can't split them up. Why were you saying that they're a great team?
You would look good in Carolina blue. Who wouldn't? Yeah. Great color. Yeah. Okay. House divided.
Between Hank and Hank? Hank and Henry. Henry's Duke, right? Hank is UNC.
What? What?
Providence, but we're talking about the other guy. Yeah, the other guy. KKK. The other wizard. Not good.
Yeah. What's up, fuckheads? This is Michael Thomas Anthony Vincent. Oh, what's up, Michael Thomas Anthony Vincent? MTV. MTV is what they call me. This week, I'm starting drug testing. Oh, starting drug testing. The NFL has just lowered the threshold for the amount of marijuana that can be in a player system.
So they're saying, hey, just don't take a hero dose on weed and we won't get you in trouble. But they're also saying if you post a picture of your drug test on social media, you'll be fined $15,000.
So we're not going to get those posts from guys that have great games out of nowhere and then take the picture and put them online and be like, oh, imagine that. Random test. Yeah. My cool throne is super fans. Not cool throne. My sit-em is super fans in the NFL. Story just came out that super fans are now selling jersey patches on their super fan jerseys and making $2,000 a week.
Like NASCAR drivers out there. It's supposed to be about the name on the back of the jersey. The name on the front of the jersey, not the name right beneath the name on the front of the jersey. Got it. And then my sleeper this week, big time sleeper. I'm talking shorts. It is so cold outside. It is unreal. It was zero degrees the other day.
I went outside in my shorts to put the Christmas lights up. I almost froze to death. My balls up in my belly. Oh, in the belly. Belly ball.
This week. What's up, fuckers? It's Maxi Delenti. Hey, Maxi. My stardom this week is sandwiches. I make a mean sandwich. I made sandwiches for everyone today, yesterday, tomorrow.
Look at it on PMTV.
My sit-em is going to be the fake George McCaskey Twitter account that everyone's buying because he's got a blue checkmark. Stop tagging everyone in it. It's not really George McCaskey. I don't even think he knows how to work a phone, let alone the internet. And my sleeper is the Georgia Bulldogs because they banned Bevo from the SEC Championship game. That's fucked up.
Why? I don't know. Mad cow disease? What's ever happened between those two? Yeah. Remember mad cow disease?
Yeah. Remember that? That was wild. Yeah. There were a lot of rumors out there. You just ate meat and then you went crazy? Well, Danny Boy Kane, I think, had mad cow.
No, he did not. Never. Never. Max, why don't you make us sandwiches once a week? I could do that.
Every other week. I'd be happy to fund it. Max making his sandwiches and tuning in to the PMTV. It was basically like watching a kid with like a spinning toy where it's like a sensory, you know, like you need to have a sensory break. That was him like spreading the sauces and everything. He was just sitting there having the time of his life.
Make the play. I just said make the play.
They were really good sandwiches. I was concerned at how good they looked. Yeah. Like you really took your time dressing them up. Yeah.
He did it. He did a great job. All right. Let's get to RG3. Awesome interview with RG3 in studio.
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Not every single night, but mostly, most nights.
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He gets it done.
Okay, we now welcome on a very special guest. He's a recurring guest. He's in studio. It is Robert Griffin III, Heisman winner, rookie of the year. And also, we got a beef that we got to settle. All right. So, RG3 and I have gone back and forth. Actually, it's not even a beef because I was just wrong.
A Hail Mary to a handoff. Listen. I don't agree with going for it there, but again, that's just what he does. He's a psycho. And the guys love it. And they fight for him. And the Lions are the best team in football right now. And, Max, here's what I should say. All right. One thing about the Packers.
So, I mean, I said it, but that's big. So you you were saying that Caleb Williams, I think the beginning of it was you were like, Caleb Williams should try not to go to Chicago. In so many words. In so many words. In so many words.
I admit it hand up. Obviously, I'm very defensive of everyone on the Internet shitting on the Bears because it happens constantly. Right. But I was saying that he's walking into the best situation for a number one quarterback. And while I still think it might have been true for some of the players that are around him. The coaching does matter, and that was a disaster, and I was very wrong.
And I got myself a little hyped up to the point where I looked stupid. So you were right. Coaching matters, and it was as bad as bad gets. Because I actually wanted Jim Harbaugh. There's reports that they actually were going to maybe interview him, but Kevin Warren said no. Once they kept Matt Eberflus, I was like, I guess this is what we're going to do. I'm going to convince myself.
But you were spot on. Coaching matters, and... I guess, so hand up, you were right. I was wrong. Victory lap, would you like a victory lap?
That's what you say when you're taking a victory lap. Yeah.
I know.
Yeah. Right after the season, I was like, get rid of him. And then this season, obviously, I was like, this is terrible. Get rid of him.
I think they did secretly extend him under the wraps. So here's my question to that. And again, you were absolutely right because it was a debacle what Matt Eberflus and Shane Waldron did. And I was hyper defensive because I spent, whatever it was, six months of every national media being like, Caleb Williams wants ownership of the Bears. Caleb Williams should try to trade out.
The Packers, I think, are still – I still have them in my problem territory where I think they can make a run in the playoffs. They can't have what happened tonight where Jordan Love had a slow start. And it felt like – I know that they were – you blinked and in the third quarter they were up.
You know what I mean?
Here's my question. If you are Caleb Williams and you do that, what is the narrative then? Is it like, hey, is this guy a diva? Correct. He's trying to get a coach fired before he's even showing up.
How does that work?
I wouldn't even count that as like going off. I would just count that as speaking his mind appropriately.
But they were down 10 in the first half, and it just didn't feel like they had any rhythm besides that deep ball. So they got to get started a little faster, especially in a playoff game. So the Packers, I think, are fine. And they'll make a—or fine by the way of, like, I'm very nervous about them. The Lions, though. Max, the Lions are going to lose another game.
No, you're not a villain. And you were right. And it's frustrating from a fan's perspective because I want them to be good. And every time there's a change, I'm like, this is going to be different. And unfortunately, it's still the same. And you were right calling that out. I still think Caleb has played well this year.
And he's the one shining glimmer of hope that it's like maybe things will change because of him. Because I think they'll probably screw up this coaching search too.
Four and eight, yeah.
And at the time, they decided to keep Iberflues. What ended up happening was you had to settle for, I don't want to use the word second rate, but the real hot offensive coordinators did not want to go to Chicago to a guy that was on the hot seat and have to move immediately.
You're the first one out. This is why I wanted Harbaugh. And if the reports are true, the problem now the Bears have is that Ryan Poles has basically been kneecapped with all his decision-making because Kevin Warren is running the show. And it's like, now it's really stupid.
I honestly hope Ryan Poles, he would never do this because there's only 32 of these jobs. But if he has a strong candidate for the head coach and then Kevin Warren vetoes it, Ryan Poles should just quit. I don't think he would, but I would love to see it just being like, you guys aren't letting me do my job. I'm not going to be here. Because Ryan Poles knows Iberflues is gone.
They're going to hire a new coach. He'll get at least two or three years. Who's the next on the chopping block? Ryan Poles.
Yeah, because when you don't get those public statements, then you start to create your own fan fiction about what could be going on. Thank you. And there's all these conflicting narratives about who's talking to who, who's not talking to who.
So I think knowing the Bears' history, the only way that I'm going to totally buy in on the fact that they've changed anything is if it's Ben Johnson, if it's Mike Vrabel, or somehow, someway, Kyle Shanahan. If it's not those three guys – it's the same old Bears. Because Ben Johnson, they'd probably have to drop a bag for. Drop a big bag. And they don't want to do that. They're not comfortable.
Because it's... But then they've got to play the Niners, the Bears, the Niners, and the Vikings.
They're cheap. Kyle Shanahan, similar, would have to drop a bag, maybe draft picks. And Mike Vrabel would be a personality that they have not wanted in that building for a very long time, where they don't want an alpha who is like, this is my system. This is my program. Kevin Warren, go sit in the fucking locker. Go sit in the toilet and let me run the show.
If they don't pick those three guys, it's going to be the same thing. They're going to pick an offensive coordinator who's, you know, Liam Cohen, who I think is great for the Bucs, who won 10 games in Kentucky. They'll pick him, but they won't give him any power, and Ryan Poles won't have power, and the whole team will just be the same.
That's it. That's the only ticket.
I know. It's basically that's why Caleb Williams, unfortunately for Caleb Williams, he has so much on his shoulders now because he is the golden ticket because everything else is a mess. And I admit that. And I see it. Caleb Williams, it's going to be a coach. If it's Ben Johnson, he's going to be like, Caleb Williams is such a talent that I think I can make this work.
It's not a bad roster. On a personal level, if you're Ben Johnson, though, if you're the kind of guy that would turn down a head coaching job, there are very few coaches. How many were there last year? Seven? Eight?
Max is obviously nervous because he wants the one seed very badly. And it's a big one seed. It's a huge one seed. Going to Detroit, it's tough. It's a massive one seed.
Yeah. It's rare that it comes up and it's rare that you're a hot name.
So last year, if you're talking about striking while the iron was hot, he should have done it. The iron was pretty fucking hot last year. And he said he had unfinished business with a team he cares so deeply about and a staff he cares so deeply about. He's willing to turn down a raise of, I'm going to guess $10 million a year or more minimum to go back to Detroit.
To me, that does not seem like the kind of guy that would want to go coach a team in the division against that same team of brothers that he had twice a year.
He shouldn't do it. I would think higher.
I agree, but listen, it's whether or not – if he sees something in Caleb Williams that he doesn't see in any of the other job openings, that's our only chance.
Kyle Shanahan. That's a pipe dream, but – They have to trade for him. Trade for him or if he resigns, something. I don't know how it works.
Right, which is a bad thing because that's what they always do. You're saying in a good way.
But they'll never hire someone who is bigger than the organization, who has an alpha personality. He scares.
Yeah, yeah.
I love Mike Vrabel. I want Mike Vrabel. George McCaskey is a meek man who does not like football. And Kevin Warren is the same. So I think Mike Vrabel wouldn't fit. They wouldn't want Mike Vrabel in the building, which is crazy because he's a great coach.
Oh, that was the big, strong, intimidating man. He's a big, strong, intimidating man. During the interview process, the owners got intimidated by a real football guy.
Not with the link.
What about Belichick? Man. Honestly, in terms of for the podcast.
No, I don't want. It'd be great. I don't want Belichick in the fact that I think Belichick is 72 years old. I want to coach that. And this is all wishful thinking is potentially going to be coaching for the Bears for the next five, 10 years because you're going to want to have him. have a relationship with Caleb Williams, and Caleb Williams hopefully will be here for a very long time.
Is Belichick going to coach into his 80s? Belichick seems more like a guy who's ready to go for a team that's ready to win in the next two years.
Don't say Lincoln Riley. Don't say Lincoln Riley.
They're so good. And Tim Patrick. And all their big games are at home. No, they have to go play at the Bears and at the Niners.
There's not. I'm going to pour some cold water on that.
That would be fine with me.
Does this give you PTSD, even talking about the Bears, seeing it and being like, yeah, I know how all this works because I was basically in the same situation?
All their games are at home. All their games are at home. The Lions only play home games. All their games are at home.
Your intensity when it came to – you were very public right when you got to the NFL about you want to take on a leadership role. You were encouraging guys to go above and beyond. Correct. Asking everybody, like, you have to know your why. Know your why. And all that stuff. I feel like was great when we were winning. Correct.
And then once things go poorly, then it's like this guy just won't shut the fuck up sometimes.
So what does it look like from a player's perspective going into an organization that is in disarray, chaos, mismanaged? Like what are the actual day to day things that that make your life harder as a player?
Yeah, no, they love Justin Fields. They love Justin Fields. What is going on? DJ Moore liked Justin Fields, and he's a loyal guy. And so they were still upset after they dealt him away. So he's like, I really miss Justin. I'm not going to move on like that.
They get to play home again. The scariest thing about the Lions, too, is just everyone gets involved. They had six guys have five or more catches tonight. And it's just every single guy contributes. And by the way, Josh Jacobs, three touchdowns. He was awesome.
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You talked about going to Cleveland. Wasn't there a story that your car got broken into or like some shit got stolen out of your car?
Yeah. If you're the Packers, you're obviously upset that you lost this game. You're very upset because it was winnable. But you also know that you can beat the Lions. Maybe. You can beat the Lions. Your own two against them. But you can beat them. Maybe. Beatable. Maybe. Tough to beat a team three times. Tough to beat a team three times. Do you think the Packers could beat the Lions in Philly?
Yeah, a breath of fresh air. Exactly.
Yeah, I've always said that. There's a dozen, 16, whatever you want to call it, that just they're not in the business of trying to win a Super Bowl. It doesn't feel like it. They're basically trying to make money and maybe catch lightning in a bottle where it's like, oh, a draft class was awesome. Now we're going to the playoffs. How do we sustain it? We don't care. Correct. It's the worst.
Yes.
Well, no, I'm still waiting for that because everyone still says that Caleb Williams is a bust.
I don't think he's a bust. There's a lot of people that think that.
Not to take a victory lap, but I would take a victory lap.
I got a question that's different than just the Bears. Did Paul Feinbaum get you fired?
that's that's a that's a personal right person right you know debating and having friendly debate back and forth like that's what sports that's what makes sports great that's what we like to do you were right i was wrong like it's okay and i didn't care right it's so so how was it though i mean like when you got fired from espn that sucked uh it feels like you're thriving right now but when it first happened were you like shit what the hell was that
Yes. I think definitely.
Yes. If it was for the one seed?
There's a difference and I shouldn't say that.
Yeah, for the one seed.
Maybe they were pissed off that you beat the bird. Oh, yeah. Maybe they showed up the bird.
I bet you it probably feels good to know that you like you kind of control your own destiny now.
Damn. That's crazy. I have a question for you, Big Cat. Yeah. Does Matt LaFleur have an anger problem? What was he angry about, by the way? He's been very angry the last month or so. He almost fought a fan before the game. Yeah, before the game. This is from... I have a side on this. Dyer Carragher. Matt LaFleur just told a Lions fan on the field who was taunting in his face to shut the fuck up.
That guy stinks that they didn't tell you why, though.
Really good things can happen when ESPN lets you go. We know from experience.
We had a hit show at ESPN.
Yes, it was. I think you came to the same realization that we did in that it sucks, but... If people like you and what you're putting out there, you can give it to them by yourself, and it's awesome. And people will love it. And then guess what? You don't have someone looking over your shoulder being like, oh, don't do that, don't do that.
It's a solid meme.
you you did it the right way yeah right it wasn't like thank god that guy's gone and you're like that makes you feel like you should keep going and keep doing it and if this were the 1980s or the 1990s if you get let go from espn then you're like oh what what do i do what do i do there's not really a lot of options for you at the point but now it's like yes you have literally every option is available and whatever you want to do you're going to be good so yeah tell me about the birds yeah so funny it was a funny story because when i first got put on monday night countdown
I'm on Matt LaFleur's side. The guy was out there to do the big flag. I don't think you should be yelling at an NFL coach when you're doing the big flag.
Did you do your research ahead of time?
Yeah. Just respect America. And I kind of like Matt before he was fired up. I also don't think that this reporter should have reported on that. Yeah. Like, keep that to yourself. Yeah, keep it to yourself. You're a narc. But what was he mad about? He was mad the entire game. He's mad all the time now. I don't know what it is, but he's mad LeFleur.
You can go 120 miles an hour.
Exactly. First time I was like, this hawk doesn't know it's in a race. The second time, the hawk fucking knew.
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He's mad LeFleur. I think he probably... I mean, this was a very important game, and it was a great game. And I have one other note I had that's unfortunate. We have stood strong in the don't try to retire Al Michaels. His energy was not there for a game of this caliber.
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fries and a drink find a part of my cheesesteak near you or order yours now at pardonmycheesesteak.com use promo code awl for free delivery and now here's more rg3 I want to talk to you about something that's happened just recently. Trevor Lawrence. Yes. So kind of another dysfunctional franchise with the Jaguars. But he got hit when he was sliding. Yep. Took a shot to the head. Pretty nasty.
Bounced his head off the ground. Correct. Pretty bad concussion. Yep. Then they suspended the guy that hit him. Yep. Three games. I've been watching a lot of clips of quarterbacks sliding, and I don't think that you're a sliding expert. I'm not. You did not like to slide.
Yeah. Did they ever do the thing where they bring in like the slip and slide? They have nationals players.
So that's how dysfunctional Washington was. Correct. Where to address questions about the quarterback sliding, they just planted a rumor in the press.
Yeah.
That's crazy. But in watching all these clips, it dawned on me when a quarterback slides, they're actually putting themselves in a pretty bad position to get a concussion. Correct. So you can avoid a lot of hits if you slide, obviously, and you can declare yourself down and you won't take those big shots in the open field.
But when you slide, you're putting your head right at ground level to get bounced off the ground if they contact you at all. With Trevor Lawrence, I'm not blaming Trevor Lawrence for this, by the way. He gave himself up in advance, and I think most defenders would have pulled up at that point.
But it's like a bang-bang play, and you have to make a decision as a defender at the last second whether or not you need to pull up. But what are your thoughts on quarterback slides?
This was a playoff game, and he was calling touchdowns like they were five-yard outs in the first five minutes of the game.
Oh, man, imagine a chief scheme getting decided by Patrick Holmes, fake slides. That they don't call.
Mack Jones used to go in with his cleats up and just kick in the dick.
He kicked like three guys in their penis.
All right. So... NFL, we're getting into December, winning time. Yep. How many teams can win the Super Bowl?
Good answer. That's a good answer. How many teams right now do you think are Super Bowl-like? Let me phrase it a better way because that was a bad question. How many teams would it not shock you if they won the Super Bowl?
Yeah, but he can bounce back.
But it's just like if there was a time to bounce back, it was this game. This was the game. He's saving something for January. This was the game.
Does he have a game in January? All out.
Washington on defense, I know we're getting Lattimore, which is a nice little addition, and he's going to be playing against the Saints next week. Yeah, been pretty tough at cornerback. But the defense just – and the inconsistency that they've had in the last four weeks. To me, it's all about – actually, the same thing with Pittsburgh. You talked about Russell Wilson.
I think they stopped. No, Week 18 doesn't have any Thursday night football.
But I feel like the Steelers are that one team that you can tell if they're going to win based on how fast Najee Harris looks on his first carry. If he looks good and they're able to establish the run, then everything opens up for him. But there are some games where Najee goes out there and it's like, is this fat Najee that we have this week?
I'm not saying that he's fat, but I'm saying he runs like he's fat sometimes, even though he's not. You get slow Najee, you get fast Najee. If you get fast Najee Harris, then I feel like the Steelers, they can beat anybody.
It's kind of ironic that he's turned into a vegetable.
He's the best. And I appreciate you saying that the Commanders can do it. I'm not letting myself believe that yet because I'm just thinking our goal is the playoffs. If we make the playoffs, then that's great.
Yeah, he is. It's crazy. It's crazy. I just needed more out of him. I needed more out of him, and I just feel like this was the time for him to really give us more. Yeah. It's okay. I'm willing to forgive. I am too. I mean, I'm not... Listen, I still love the game. And the announcer doesn't affect me that much.
I will try to accept it. We've got the Chargers. Take the compliment.
So we should talk about the croissant picture. Let's do it. In full.
Can you just walk me through it? When you posted it, were you like, yeah, people are going to love this and not think it's a giant dick in my mouth? Because this happened after we had you on at the Super Bowl, right? Yeah. Yeah. This is true. Was that the Olympics?
So she knew what she was doing.
I think she's a wonderful woman. I would never say anything bad about her. I'm going to take her side in this argument, RG3. I appreciate you saying that.
So she didn't go all in on eating the croissant. You did. But how do you explain you were cupping the croissant's balls? I was not. Yeah, you were. You were caressing the croissant's balls.
Yeah. But I just don't want to... This might be his last season, but I don't want to kick Al Michaels out.
You got one hand like that and then one hand underneath.
I think you might even have a finger in the croissant's asshole.
And what I like about you, RG3, because I feel like you have fun online and you know that it's supposed to be fun. Because some people would post that picture and be like, oh shit, I don't want that out there. It's like, let's have a fucking laugh.
Yeah, I don't want him to go out in a way that it's like... If we keep going, it's like... Three years from now, and we're like, damn, what's going on?
Yeah.
And you realize that there's a separation between the internet and real life too. Correct. It's like the internet, they're going to make jokes and we can laugh about the internet making jokes. The people that spend more time like inside the internet where that becomes the biggest part of their life. They're the people that are like, I
What was the over-under on this game? It was 52. Smashed. Maybe that's why he kind of turned it down, because the over-hit didn't have anything else. What are you looking at, Max?
It would be funnier if you, like, every day put a video online explaining more about how actually that croissant picture is not dirty. Like, just double, triple, quadruple down. You guys got to stop with this fucking croissant. You guys are the perverts.
Yeah, yeah. All right, I got one last question for you. This has been awesome, RG3. If people haven't seen, basically he's been here all day. He's going to be on the pro football show. When this comes out, it'll be tonight. He did Werewolf with us. He's going to watch Thursday Night Football with us. It's been a whole day with RG3. He did Chef Donnie.
Yeah, did Chef Donnie.
Some more French pastries.
Some beignets. Yeah, so Roback question. R-H-O-B-A-C-K.com. Promo code TAKE. 20% off your first purchase. Q-Zips, polos, hoodies, joggers, shorts. Roback.com. So Heisman is coming up. Yep. You are a Heisman trophy winner. How cool is it when you go there and you get to like – How does it work?
Because I imagine it's like some back room with a bunch of books and everyone sits down who won a Heisman and you guys trade war stories. That's what I want to imagine. But is it like being in a room with everyone?
OJ? Was he ever invited? Who? OJ? No, I don't think so.
They canceled OJ?
Well, there's a story just came out yesterday that his bodyguard says that he has a confession from him.
Okay.
So OJ's still innocent. Per RG3.
I never went to the Heisman house.
You were worried that, oh, you thought it was going to be Amazon.
Yeah, that's awesome. It's a trophy that still holds meaning. People don't really remember MVPs very often. You know what I mean? Like Rookie of the Year. They're obviously great, but Heisman, I don't know. There's something special about it.
You're not going to be in the wild card round. No, he's worried about Al Michaels calling a playoff game.
It really is. It is. When did you first realize that? How many years after you won were you like, oh, shit, yeah, I'm a Heisman Trophy winner forever, and they only give out one of these a year?
With that attitude, yes. You're right.
Yeah. I mean, it's a special award. Do you get upset at all when they do the pose and they don't do the pose correctly? No. We were talking about that on the last show.
Getting home games. With that attitude, yes. Yes, Max. Anything else from this game? I just love this game. It's just great. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Having a game of this caliber on a Thursday night was fucking awesome.
They do the Charles Woodson. Exactly.
There's a Heisman trophy and then there's the Heisman pose. And they're different things.
What was it like being big man on campus at Waco?
So somehow the Lions defense, I know statistically they didn't play well.
I'm glad you're saying this, but also I know what you said. Yeah. I remember what you said four years ago. It also must have felt pretty good to just like walking around Texas being like, Austin didn't want me.
Mack Brown didn't want me.
Yeah. Well, he quit. No, he literally quit after that game. He quit for like 24 hours. And then he's like, psych, I'm back. Oh, really?
They're the most injured defense ever if you talk to a Lions fan.
Yeah, I think they have 13 guys on injured reserve. I believe that includes offense too, but they've got a lot of guys that are hurt. The defense didn't look as bad as their numbers were. Right. That's what I'm saying. I guess you know what it is.
Yeah, and then Andrew Luck, too.
Wait, you wouldn't have transferred, though? I know it's easy to say right now, but if Texas is like, we're going to give you $6 million a year to play football.
Yeah.
Well, RG3, it's been awesome today. Great having you on. Congratulations on being very right again.
Go on.
It's when they hit you, the guys that are out there, if they're in position to if they're in the right position and they're playing well as as a team, they knock the fuck out of you. They hit you hard. But then they also give up like a lot of really, really big, easy plays. Yeah.
It was, like, right after Haloti Nada hit you in your knee, you sprained your MCL, so you were out, right?
You talking about Biz?
So it tricks you into thinking that they're better than they are, because when they make a tackle, they make a fucking tackle.
I had never heard the story. So I wish I had and been able to correct him. Now we'll just say, Mike Silver, you're a liar. So now he's got to come on. back on. I would love to come on the show with Mike Silver.
Aleem McNeil is very, very important for their defense, and he went out, like, what was it, six minutes into the game? Yeah. So, yeah, they'll maybe get... I mean, I think Anzalone's coming back, get a little healthier. But, yeah, the lines are just good. You can get Aiden Hutchinson back for the Super Bowl, maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I had one last thing.
Well, I'm happy you were able to say that because we obviously didn't know the story. So we're sitting here like, oh, that's crazy. And you handled it the right way. I mean, listen, sometimes it's better not to fight on the Internet. Correct. That's what I did when you were taking the not victory lap on me. I literally responded. I was like, RG3, I'll see you in literally four days.
We'll talk about it then. And then I hit mute conversation. Because everybody's like, hey, Big Cat, he took a victory lap. It's like, no, I like RG3. I'm not going to let other people try to put a wedge here.
And we'll have to catch a Commanders game together. We're going to go to the Cowboys game. It's on Sunday. But if there's a Monday night game in D.C. and you have that available, I will be there no matter what.
I don't want to.
But I want to.
I want to. Come on. I don't want to, but I feel like I should.
No, I'm the opposite. I want to. I don't want to have to travel. What? Like, if you could bring the Bulls here, I'd fucking run with the Bulls every day. We might actually have to pull that off.
And chill week. Can you find us some Bulls that we could do it here? What about chill week in Spain? Chill week in Spain. Chill week in Spain. Yeah. I'm going to say, I'm going to put me down as a maybe. As a maybe?
Yeah. I'm going to tell you, I think I'm in.
Yeah. But chill week. But we could do chill week in Spain. Well, the whole point of chill week is the interviews. There are no interviews in Spain? No. Yes, we can get some interviews in Spain. Max is shaking his head. He agrees with me.
Do we know the date?
They do it every year. So I'm out this year.
I'm out this year. Okay. But I'm in for a future year. Okay. I'm going to hold you to it.
We don't even know if the dates might not conflict. Let's look at the dates.
I don't think they conflict.
That's exactly when we're in Tahoe. Oh, you're going to Tahoe again?
Because, I mean, we did it last year. It was the best thing ever. Was it great? Well, we got like, I don't know, 10 interviews, incredible interviews.
July 7th through 14th. That's literally chill week. That's the Bulls?
I've always wanted to do it. I've just never wanted to travel. I don't want to do it, but I'm in. Yeah. I'm reluctant. I know exactly what you mean. You know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes you have to take stuff that feels so wrong and be like, you know what? Yes.
I also wouldn't hate getting roughed up just a little bit by a Bull. Really? Not fully roughed up. I don't want to get dragged off. You want the horns from the bull. I would like just not the horns. Maybe the bull headbutts my ass or something.
We didn't say it because we taped everything else earlier, but we did get the Spotify rap numbers, and thank you to all the AWLs. It blows my mind every year. It's crazy. Thank you very, very much. All the people tweeting us, all the people hitting us on Instagram, we don't take it for granted one bit.
Big Cat's concerned after all the bad shit he's said about the bulls for the last 10 years. Yeah, they're going to come after me.
I've always thought it looks like the most exciting thing ever. And also, I'm an idiot, so I'm like, I have no problem getting out of the way. I think it'd be awesome. I might end up killing a bull with my strength.
Am I allowed to take any mind-altering substances before I run with these bowls? Yeah, for sure.
All right. So put it on the list. Put it on the list. It's that and climbing Kilimanjaro with Chris Long. Yeah, we'll do that.
You guys are climbing Kilimanjaro? Well, we say yes to a lot of things. Okay. Yeah. But I would like to do this. Okay. So we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll make it happen. All right. RG3, thanks so much, man. Appreciate you guys.
Welcome back to another Fyre Fest of the Week brought to you by our friends over at Morgan & Morgan. You know what really sucks? Not picking the lottery ball number and having never picked the lottery ball number. You know what doesn't suck? Calling Morgan & Morgan if you're injured so they can help you get what you deserve.
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Okay, let's wrap up. We got Fire Fest of the Week. Henry?
How you doing?
Five Alarm Fire Fests?
Okay. Inside Hank's head.
Yep.
By the way, let me stop you before this.
I've talked to a tattoo artist. I think I'm getting my tattoo next week.
No, I'm just going to pay off my bet.
Uh-oh. The boys are down bad.
I was going to get a perm two weeks ago.
The boys are down bad. But I couldn't. I will be getting a perm. We're trying with baseball. We are trying very, very hard, and we want to make it the best video possible, and we've had some hurdles. The weather.
At the end of the year, I always think about it like, fuck, man, we have the best job in the world, luckiest guys in the world, and it's like all these people spend all this time with us, and it's... It's not lost on us at all.
You run a marathon.
Do the nine darter in January.
Yeah.
easy and i was gonna say like with the you know the four days there's gonna be other stuff that's going on during the streams because it's like i can't just throw darts the whole time so like stuff like getting a tattoo or like whatever maybe okay i could do that um but yeah just do the nine darter in january focus on dunking now it will all get paid off uh it's also something to look forward to in january because there's nothing like you know obviously the weekends have playoff football but during the week we'll we'll find a time and we'll do it yeah at least you're getting a sick car soon
I forgot about that.
No, you have a nice scar. Is it sick?
It's got some damage.
I drove in it the other day. It's a little tiny. I'm being honest. It's a little tight. Like I was parking Hank's car and my car is large. And so I was like, oh, shit, can I fit in this spot? And I parallel parked and I was like, oh, my God, I put another car in here. Yeah. So tiny. So cute. It's like putting your little pocket. Yeah. Boyfriend car.
No, there's so many podcasts out there that you could listen to. And as a podcast listener myself, you know you make that choice every single time. So thank you. Thank you for making that choice. And we love you guys and appreciate you.
It's so small that I can put it in my pocket.
Way to go, Max. Get him. Get him.
All right, Max just pumped you up. Also, Hank's pole in the parking lot has claimed another victim. There was a shattered brake light next to that pole.
No, it wasn't me. Somebody else because Hank installed that pole directly in the middle of the parking lot where nobody can see it. He did. And removed the yellow paint advising people caution. Another car from Barstool Sports, an anonymous employee, has backed into it. Yeah. That's two pelts on the wall for that pole, Hank. I hope you're happy.
Okay, good job. Glad we got that figured out. Glad we got that figured out.
Yeah, me too.
All right. PFT.
My fire fest of the week is turkey. I didn't go there for hair plugs. I already got my hair plugs in the United States. But turkey, the bird. So I had planned on deep frying a turkey for the boys for this Thursday's stream. We were going to fry turkey, have a nice post-Thanksgiving feast. And I planned a little bit ahead on this, but I got fucked at every single turn. So on Tuesday...
I was like, okay, we got to get a turkey because if I get a frozen one, it has to have time to defrost. Or I could get a fresh one and then we could go ahead and get the brine going, put the seasoning and the rubbing on there. So on Tuesday, I ordered a fresh turkey from the store. And they said, okay, no problem. It'll be delivered soon.
Yeah. Memes, you want to say anything to our fans? I love you.
It got delivered Tuesday around lunchtime, and I forget if Max brought it in or Paige brought it in, but it was a tiny little bag, and I paid $50 for this turkey. And I took the bag and looked inside, and they brought me two turkey drumsticks. And the price on there was $7, and they still charged me $50 in the app. And I was like, what's going on with this? This is not right.
So now that's a thing I have to fix, go back and forth to the app, get a refund. But still, it's okay. We got plenty of time to get a turkey. No big deal. So Paige hit me up, and she was like, hey, I can have somebody go get a turkey for you. We've got Jacob, the intern, on it. Cool. No problem. We'll have the turkey in plenty of time. Jacob goes out, runs to the store, comes back.
We get done recording part of my take, and Jacob's like, great news. I got your turkey for you. And I look at the turkey. I'm like, this turkey is cooked. It's got nice golden skin on it. You got a full turkey cooked. I think it was like 13, 14 pounds. Max made a free throw with it. And I think it was $100 for that turkey. That was a $120 turkey. Okay, so now we're at $170 for the turkey.
All your great ideas.
getting into it. And there are two categories that you'll see companies sorted into AI enablers and AI adopters. Enablers are the companies that are basically the supply chain to make AI models. Chipmakers, power companies, the AI model companies themselves.
Yeah, the shift away from the chipmakers and the energy companies was dramatic. You... have to look a little bit harder, squint a little bit to see the market moves towards the adopters. But one example people point towards, Salesforce. They have basically made their whole thing, their identity, adopting and using AI. And on Monday, their stock was up 4%.
But that moat, that was maybe the biggest assumption that the markets were scrambling to rethink on Monday. Because if a Chinese hedge fund that doesn't even make AI for a living was able to make DeepSeek as cheaply as they say, using fewer and less fancy processors, and if it's even close to as good as these American AI models, yeah, that probably does change everything.
There is a company called Hugging Face. Their logo is like that smiley face emoji that's also giving you a hug with those two big emoji hands. Hugging face, you know?
Oh, yes. Because if we look at these specific companies that got slammed on Monday and a few that benefited, we can see pretty clearly what people with money are betting our AI future looks like. And this week, the AI model from Deepsea has them betting on a very different looking future.
And the reason we got in touch with Leandro is that he heads up their research team.
Because there are really two reasons why the market freaked out. First, that it was made in a way that was cheaper and more efficient than how things like ChatGPT were made. And the other reason was that DeepSeek's model was allegedly really good. So the big question hovering over this entire week has been, is all of that real and true? Or were markets overreacting?
Leandro has also checked to make sure DeepSeq is getting its exam answers legitimately.
From what he's seeing, DeepSeek does seem to be in the same tier as the fancy American AI models.
And to test that, Leandro and his team are, in fact, attempting to build this themselves, basically from scratch to replicate it.
Now, the reason this is even possible is because unlike a lot of the recent American AI models, DeepSeek has been pretty open about their methods. They actually put out a big report that was kind of a set of instructions for how the model was built.
Yeah, so those numbers. Again, DeepSeek's latest version was reportedly much cheaper to train and much cheaper to run than the big American models.
But Leandro is pretty convinced so far. It really is way cheaper than the existing American models for basically the same thing.
That is a lot to process in one week, in just a few days. The markets for their parts have moved ever so slightly back towards where they were before Monday. Still shocked, but, you know, NVIDIA is still one of the most valuable companies in the world.
This episode was produced by Willa Rubin with an assist from James Sneed. It was edited by Keith Romer and engineered by Neil Tevold. Research help from Sierra Juarez.
And I'm Mary Childs. This is NPR. Thanks for listening.
Yes, two years ago, roughly, November 2022. This is when the world got its first look at chat GPT. You will recall we all lost our minds. ChatGPT could write poetry. It could tell stories. Maybe it could take our jobs. We'd never seen anything like it.
The American AI arms race began. Google, Meta, Microsoft all built giant, expensive AI models.
They do say that. And what seemed to be true in all these cases was that in order to compete in the AI revolution, these companies needed unimaginable scale, more and more computing power, more and more investment, billions and billions of dollars.
And then on Monday, all of those assumptions fell apart, as did the stock market.
Angelo Zeno is an equities analyst at a company called CFRA Research. Angelo's job, in part, is to look at the tech world and identify good and bad stocks for investors.
Yeah, we got our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle slippers on. We got our cup of coffee.
Great questions, European investors. What exactly was happening?
Right. So people generally knew that this AI model was likely more useful than just for hedge fund-y things. But what seems to have happened, what seems to really have rocked the stocks, were a few key things.
Except, and here's the big thing number two, DeepSeek is not a big, fancy, expensive AI model. It was reportedly built for a fraction of the cost and reportedly did not need top-of-the-line chips and semiconductors and processors to run, like the models from the American AI companies need.
And then, five hours after Angelo wakes up on Monday, markets open and whammo, a bunch of stocks start plummeting.
So which tech stocks had an awful Monday-i?
Ah, yes. NVIDIA. NVIDIA manufactures top-of-the-line processors that have become the not-very-secret sauce that American-made AI models need in order to do the unfathomably large amounts of computing required to train and run AI models. If AI is the gold, NVIDIA is selling the picks and the shovels.
All of this is why NVIDIA, seemingly overnight, has become one of the most valuable companies on the planet. In 2020, you could buy NVIDIA's stock for like $6. Last week, $142. That is like 23x growth.
You could not overstate NVIDIA's value. And then enter DeepSeek, this Chinese hedge fund apparently building a top-of-the-line AI model even though they weren't allowed to build it on the very best AI chips from NVIDIA. Because Chinese companies aren't allowed to buy them.
What was happening? It was apparently some kind of AI apocalypse? Okay, so AI apocalypse, not so sure about that. Okay, fine, whatever. But without a doubt, this is a monumental shift.
A near double decimation, if you will. The company's value dropped by almost $600 billion, the single biggest one-day drop in American history.
Which the markets interpreted as not good for NVIDIA and the other chip makers in their future.
For our next lesson learned from the Monday Eye apocalypse, we turn to Jennifer Hiller of The Wall Street Journal.
Jennifer has been reporting on the energy industry for over a decade.
Once unwanted, Constellation Energy is one of the hottest stocks. It's a story about how investors were pouring money into America's biggest provider of nuclear power. The value had been shooting up and Constellation Energy hit an all time high stock price just last week.
But this was not Jennifer's fault. This was, of course, DeepSeek's fault.
Jennifer says that people have been talking about needing and building like Manhattan's worth of new power supply, as in enough energy to power Manhattan three, four, seven times over.
Nuclear is the tech bro of power. That makes total sense to me.
Over the last three years, Constellation went from like 40 bucks a share to like $300 because the markets thought our AI future needs all the nuclear energy.
Hello and welcome to Planet Money. I'm Mary Childs.
And those companies, they got hit on Monday, too, including a company called the Texas Pacific Land Corporation, which is basically just some giant chunks of land in Texas that have oil and natural gas. Even that got whacked by the deep seek news on Monday.
Yeah, so, Quill, thanks so much. I'm glad that you asked about this question. We anticipated you might. Not sure why we thought that.
Yeah. Well, thanks very much for the question, Quill. We are working all that data through. I don't have an answer on your question about similarly situated veterans, and you'll be among the first to know, but I don't have any news for you on that right now.
Yeah, I don't know what else you would do.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah. Turned it on and off with his phone. That's right. You use the app. The app is great. It's great to have an alarm system. It's great peace of mind. SimpliSafe is easy to set up, and once you set up, it's completely reliable. Customer service works. The app works. Highly recommend it. Cash Patel, not involved.
We'll be watching.
According to this source in the room, what the Treasury Secretary said was no one thinks the current status quo is sustainable at 145 and 125% in terms of the relationship with tariffs with China.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then they end up telling them, they end up selling themselves on some fucking bullshit.
Always trying to find a way around.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, you better have a gun with that dude, bro. Fuck, dude. I don't even know if that'll work.
Let's check this out.
Oh, they're pulling the door open.
Mm-hmm.
Subsequently, they go inside that cell. And this is where you see them exiting the loading dock door. If you notice, they are carrying blankets with them. Bro. This road that they're going out of is behind this building, as I explained. They subsequently go through another door.
Here, at some point, you will see them come through here. And they scaled the fence through this door that's near the construction site. They scaled that fence, and then they did an escape crossing all the way to it.
seven dudes out there still. I'm surprised they had to escape, bro. I thought they just let these motherfuckers out now. I mean, some of them are in for murder.
Whoa. This is women's soccer. That's awesome. That is awesome. I could watch that all day. That's an accomplishment.
Yeah, that's freaky. That is crazy.
Yeah.
Especially because of where it went and then the bounce. Yeah. The shortstop on both. And, dude, that was one.
Like, dude. Yeah, I wonder if everyone in that stadium was like – I don't know, man. Like, dude, more and more shit's happening where I'm like, fuck, man. Do you follow all, because my wife is obsessed with all the alien shit.
Like that was the whole thing.
Yeah, we always correct them.
Yeah, man. I can't wait. Your gym looks unbelievable. Thank you for letting us work out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He'll do it. I totally believe it.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
So cool. Can I grab it? Pull straight out. Wow.
This is the first one you've made? Yes, sir. And how long did it take you? About six weeks. So are you training him? I'm hell. Need a lot of help. So do you feel like you know how to do the next one now? As long as I got friends to go by, I can feel it, yes sir. Really? Did you ever think you would have this skill?
Do you want to see it?
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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to 15 bucks a month, new customers on first three-month plan only, speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Welcome back to the show. I really don't like asking questions when I suspect I already know their answers. And at first, this seemed like one of those instances.
What I knew was a guy got hooked on a shady new substance from a vape shop, got hooked on another, and ended up in detox. It felt pretty obvious to me that this was a situation crying out for serious government intervention. Why would this be remotely okay? Then I'd learn a bit. Then I'd learn a bit more. And I'd discover something pretty complicated.
Something that has fundamentally tweaked how I think about drug policy in America. But let's start at the beginning. The first place I looked to try to understand Kratom is the place I imagine Chris would have looked. Online. The internet of 2024, we know, is a very decayed place, by which I mean reliable information about anything is pretty hard to find.
You're trying to eat right in a world that's all just street hot dogs. If you're old, like me, you now tend to go to Reddit for answers, which isn't great. If you're young, you go to TikTok, which doesn't seem much better. So, Kratom. Kratom.
If you want to find information that will tell you Kratom is safe, fun, and even useful, you will probably wind up at Reddit's board r slash Kratom, a community fervently behind this drug. On the sidebar, a basic Kratom introduction, facts about Kratom's evolving legality, academic studies on its use. When I visited one day in September, somebody was, typically, singing Kratom's praises.
Quote, I can't believe how great it works for me. I don't care if I have to sometimes take tolerance breaks. I don't care if I become addicted. Life is objectively better with Kratom. It does what I've always wanted a drug to do. It lets me calm down, think rationally, be in a better mood, state of gratitude, you name it. End quote. This is like how meditation people talk about silent retreats.
On the other hand, if you're Kratom suspicious, there's an internet for you too. On Reddit, you'll probably land on r slash Kratom withdrawal, almost exclusively devoted to horror stories. Somebody says, quote, I've been a 30 gram per day user for about six months. I've lost half my hair. So depressing. I had gorgeous hair. Almost like this stuff is eating me from the inside out.
A few weeks ago, I talked to a search engine listener with a question. At the time, I wasn't sure whether he'd want to be anonymous or not. Okay, so first of all, do you want to just say your name, like how you want to identify yourself for the purposes of this recording?
And TikTok and YouTube as well have tons of videos of people speaking on the horrors of their Kratom experiences.
Had I been standing in a vape shop, phone in hand, browsing these two internets while contemplating my purchase of Kratom, I would have been confused. I would have had that familiar feeling of asking a question and in response, stepping not into an answer, but an argument, one that had been roiling for years. I wanted to talk not to the internet, but to a human being. And so I called one.
First things first, I just need you to introduce yourself. Can you say your name and what you do professionally?
I'd done a lot of reading about Kratom since I'd spoken to our listener, Chris, and I kept running into references to and citations of Dr. Grunman's work. He's been studying Kratom for nearly a decade. So just like brass tacks, what exactly is kratom?
I just want to say, nearly everyone I spoke to pronounced this differently, which is maybe just a comment on how early we are in our understanding of this drug in America. For this story, I decided to just mirror the pronunciation of whoever I was speaking to, Kratom.
And so my understanding of kratom is that depending on the dose, it can either produce like stimulant effects or euphoric effects, is that correct?
So kratom, at a low dose feels like a stimulant, but at a higher dose feels euphoric, offers opioid-like effects, opioid-like effects. Those three words, in a way, our entire story lives in those three words. And so I wanna dive into them for a moment. Opiates are drugs derived from the poppy plant, heroin, morphine.
When we talk about opioids, we're talking about drugs that mimic those effects in our body, but which are not necessarily derived from the poppy. Potent drugs like Oxycontin, Percocet, and Vicodin are opioids. But technically speaking, we can call any drug that interacts with our opioid receptors an opioid. I ended up talking to Dr. Grunman about Imodium, the diarrhea drug.
I knew from our fentanyl episode that the same chemist had formulated both Imodium and fentanyl, but I hadn't known that both those drugs are opioids. Dr. Grunman told me Imodium is an opioid. Some opioid addicts use it to get high. Others have taken so much Imodium, they've actually overdosed and died.
Kratom contains chemicals, alkaloids, which act on our opioid receptors, which means literally Kratom is an opioid. And yet, people shy away from the term. You are not allowed, for instance, on the Kratom subreddit to use the O word. That's because nearly everyone associates opioids with drugs that are highly addictive and can kill you by stopping your breathing.
Calling a drug an opioid is like hitting a big red button that summons a ton of cultural fear, as well as the presence of American regulators. Kratom leaves contain at least two different alkaloids that interact with their opioid receptors, mitragynine and 7-hydroxymetragynine.
7-hydroxymetragynine is very strong, more than 10 times more potent than morphine, but there's not very much of it in a kratom leaf. Metragynine, which is much weaker, is responsible for most of the effect kratom users feel. And what is your understanding of, like, kratom is used in a specific way in America right now.
The reason I was being a little cautious here was that Chris had written to us about an experience he'd had with addiction. Addiction to a kind of drug that neither of us was sure you were even supposed to call a drug. It was hard to know how to talk about any of this. But I'd wanted to speak to him because the substance in question and Chris's questions about it.
In sort of like, you know, the hundreds of years before today, what were the uses? What did people think about?
We're going to come back to this later, this idea of kratom leaves as a natural substitute for opiate users. But kratom's story in the United States, that begins much more recently. So recently that in 2016, Dr. Grinderman, one of our foremost kratom experts, had never heard of the drug.
What happened was that one of his students also worked in a South Florida crime lab, and the student had come across a case where a person was found intoxicated at the scene of a car accident. The cops found kratom on the guy. So the crime lab student comes into school and asks Dr. Grundman, what's kratom? Dr. Grundman didn't know.
But Dr. Grundman had a background in naturally occurring substances that affect our minds, so he was excited to learn about a new one, this drug which had arrived in the U.S. from Southeast Asia. He decided to try to figure out how popular this new-to-him drug was, and so he designed a survey. And how were you conducting the survey? How were you finding the users?
The survey showed that people were using kratom to treat a comically vast range of American maladies. Anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, chronic pain. And not just that, kratom is a substitute for people trying to break their relationships to other drugs.
In the past year, a bunch of my friends had taken me aside privately with similar questions. So you wrote us an email, and all the emails go to my phone, and I read them all, but yours I read quicker than most because it had the word. It's pronounced Kratom, right? I really don't know. I've heard Kratom with a long A. You hear Kratom. You've heard more Kratom than Kratom. Yeah.
To alcohol, to fentanyl, to heroin, to benzos like Xanax, stimulants like Adderall, kratom was even being used by people who just wanted to wean themselves off antidepressants. Dr. Grundman's survey offered a peek at kratom's quiet, behind-the-scenes role in America, a substance a lot of people self-medicate with because either they don't trust or can't access our traditional medical system.
Acknowledging this is not the same as saying kratom is an effective remedy. That's actually been the question Dr. Grundman's work has investigated for almost a decade. But with this first survey, he knew that, effective or not, safe or not, kratom had become popular. And at almost the exact same time that Dr. Grundman was sending out his first survey, a U.S.
government agency was squinting at Kratom. The Drug Enforcement Administration, the DEA, in America decides how much a potentially dangerous drug should be restricted. Whether you need a doctor's prescription to use it, like a prescription painkiller, or whether it's used by citizens is completely illegal. In 2016, when the DEA looked at Kratom, they wanted to know, how addictive is it?
How dangerous is it to the user and to the people around the user? And does it have a legitimate medical use? What did those internal deliberations sound like? It's unclear. The DEA did not respond to Sertangent's request for comment. But we can guess at what the agency thought by what it did next.
All this hubbub, a surprise to Dr. Grunman, a researcher just trying to collect some survey data about a new substance he'd just learned of.
Kratom researchers were concerned. Kratom users were incensed.
A petition saying broadly there are very few good options for opioid addicts, that this seemed to be helping some of them, and that they didn't want it taken away.
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All right, let's proceed with Kratom. It had the word Kratom in the subject, which piqued my interest because we have been talking about Kratom for like a year in the office. Okay. Can you just like tell me... the story of how Kratom crossed your radar?
This video particularly struck me from this YouTuber Trey Crowder, a.k.a. The Liberal Redneck. He's speaking from his porch in a sleeveless shirt over a chorus of cicadas. At first, I thought the video was a parody. Crowder's a comedian. But he quickly moves into this argument for kratom. At one point, he holds up a little green mason jar of kratom tea.
I don't have to tell you that there are a lot of trade crowders in America, people whose families have been ravaged by opioid addiction. Enough of them demanded the government back off here that the DEA actually flinched.
51 U.S. Representatives, 22 of them Republicans, banded together and wrote a letter saying the DEA should do more research before scheduling this drug. They cited work by scientists, including one of Dr. Grundemann's colleagues, and surprisingly, their argument really mirrored the liberal rednecks.
They did not call the people who worked at pharma companies lizards, but they said the government should not hastily ban a drug that might help in any way with our massive overdose crisis. Because while kratom is an opioid, or if you prefer, exhibits opioid-like effects, overdoses from the drug are pretty rare. From 2011 to 2017, 13 users died. 11 of them had other drugs in their system.
During that same time, over 200,000 users of other opioids died. The Kratom ban was to take effect in September 2016. Instead, that October, the DEA posts this very unusual letter into the Federal Register. It was titled, quote, Those are the two predominant psychoactive ingredients in kratom, both opioids. This letter is government speak for my bad.
As a person who studies drugs, how unusual is this for the DEA to back off of a decision like this?
After 2016, when the DEA backed off, regulation of kratom was left to the FDA, the Food and Drug Administration. We asked the FDA if kratom was legal now to sell in the United States. A spokesperson for that agency told Search Engine that kratom is not approved for any medical use, it is an unsafe food additive, and it is not appropriate in dietary supplements.
Which is a very funny way of saying, yes, it is legal to sell in the United States. as long as you follow a few rules. In some states, the ingredients in your Kratom product have to match the ingredients advertised, and technically, you're not supposed to make medical claims, a rule as respected in vape shops as horn honking laws are in New York City.
The world these policies have created is one in which our listener, Chris, would walk into a store and see Kratom sold in various forms and under various brand names. K-Shots, MIT-45 Super K, Ohm's Advanced Kratom Alkaloids. Occasionally, the packaging is sedate, like painkillers you'd get at Rite Aid.
But usually, it's designed to look like illicit drugs, like Trucker Speed, or at least one brand I saw packaged like a large bag of heroin with just the word train wreck written on it in marker font. The FDA pointed out to us that kratom is locally restricted or regulated in many states, which is totally true.
But federally, there are no rules about how much kratom a person can buy, how old that person has to be, or rules placing limits on how strong kratom can be if it is going to be sold. It's funny. It's like, for a moment, the federal government treated kratom as if it were too dangerous to tolerate, and then it treated it as something that it mostly just didn't want to think about.
For someone like Chris, standing in the vape shop aisle, he could buy Kratom, he could use it, but in a fundamental way, he would not know what he was taking. And the questions the government had said it wanted to answer, was the drug lethal? Was it addictive? Could it be useful? Those remained, for most people, open questions. I'm curious, like, as a substance, how addictive is Kratom?
What should I compare it to?
So Dr. Grunman's research suggests that withdrawal from kratom looks like headaches, anxiety, and occasional GI distress, which basically sounds like my Monday, or like what Chris was experiencing before he started taking that other drug, TNMT. Of course, when anybody, me, you, the federal government, is evaluating the riskiness of a drug like Kratom, they're not just asking how addictive is it?
They're also asking how easily can this thing kill you?
In other words, Dr. Grundman says it's unclear how someone would take enough kratom to die from it. Nearly every compound has something called LD50, lethal dose 50, the dose at which half of the lab rats died after taking the substance. Alcohol has an LD50, so does salt, so does water.
The LD50 for mitragynine, the star alkaloid of kratom, is high enough that people should not be able to get that much into their blood by taking kratom any of the ways we know that they take kratom. And yet, there have been dozens of deaths in which the only substance found in the person's blood was high levels of mitragynine. So, this is kind of a mystery.
One theory for what might be happening here is that in an unregulated gray market, Kratom manufacturers are incentivized to make stronger and stronger formulations of the drug because there will be customers who want a stronger effect and there's no rule stopping them.
So it's possible that the people who are dying of kratom overdoses are taking kratom capsules somehow formulated to give them a way higher potency opioid high than the norm.
What's interesting here, and quite sad, is that kratom leaf has been used internationally for hundreds of years, but it appears that it's only when the drug reached America that we discovered how to make it, in some instances, lethal.
It's funny. I mean, it's sort of, to me, what it reminds me of a little bit is the current gray market cannabis system we're in where people both, like broadly speaking, socially, we've agreed that cannabis has social upsides and that its criminalization has real social downsides.
But because it's a bit of a patchwork, people who are buying cannabis products can't entirely be sure that they, I mean, at least in the state in which I live, like they don't necessarily know that they are buying cannabis what is being advertised. And there's this market incentive for higher and higher and higher concentrations, which can be a really different drug experience.
There's a word for that in recovery circles. It's like a garbage head. Yep. Which I'm not trying to be pejorative. It's just a friend of mine who's a recovery person said that to me once.
So let's return to our listener, Chris. Here is part of what I think went wrong for him. The first time in your life you try a drug, whether it's your first cup of coffee or your first sip of wine, you probably have a conversation with somebody about what to expect and what the risks are. Chris did not have as full a conversation about kratom as he might have wished he'd had before he dove in.
But if he'd had that conversation, what we now know he might have learned is that kratom is an opioid, but it's not particularly lethal. It can give you withdrawal symptoms you won't enjoy, but nothing like what you'd get from a prescription painkiller.
And something to watch out for is that it comes from the gray market, which means the drug itself might be adulterated, or it might be getting more potent month by month. So all of these risky calculations could be changing. Of course, Chris really got in trouble, not with Kratom, but with another drug he mistakenly thought was a kind of Kratom, T-Neptine.
And the story of T-Neptine, what it is, how it got here, and how much fault lies with the country of France, those answers surprised me. Mon dieu. We will continue our story after a short break. Search Engine is brought to you by Betterment. Do you want your money to be motivated? Do you want your money to rise and grind? Do you think your money should get up and work?
So Chris, in rehab, was talking about how he was struggling to quit cannabis. And this other guy mentioned that he had also had a bit of a problem with something called kratom.
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Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com slash PJSearch. That's LinkedIn.com slash PJSearch to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome back to the show. So what does the internet have to say about T-Neptine, the drug that Chris had found after Kratom, which had caused him his real problems?
The vibe on Reddit in the T-Neptine community is much darker than it is in the Kratom subreddit. I saw someone asking the question many people have wondered after consuming some exciting new substance. Quote, how many days in a row can I take this before I get addicted? The top voted reply, quote, I did research before I tried it, thinking I'd be able to control what many others couldn't. Nope.
I was fully addicted after a couple of weeks. I ended my addiction at six to 10 bottles of TD Red a day. I spent $20,000. This is Reddit, of course. Anyone can say anything, they often do. But you do notice here many more vivid warnings than celebrations. Many addicted users cautioning new people from following them down the path.
We're going to return to Dr. Oliver Grunman with more questions. But for TNAPD, I wanted to start by speaking to a different kind of chemist, someone whose work I've been following for a long time.
Dear listeners, I present to you, Hamilton Morris. I've never spoken to him before, but I have listened to his hypnotically dry voice for maybe hundreds of hours.
I've heard him use it to soberly and methodically describe what it's like to consume the venom of a psychedelic toad, to participate in an iboga ceremony, to observe a bunch of meth heads stumble through a meth cook in a kitchen while wearing, for some reason, fireman's helmets. He's seen a lot. T-Neptune was obscure to me, but I had a suspicion it'd be old hat to Hamilton Morris. What is TNFD?
What is its chemical composition? Where does it come from? What is it?
So, first of all, TNF is not a naturally occurring substance like Kratom is. It was synthesized by a company called Servier. Servier's bad reputation partly comes from their role in France as a major supplier of fenfluramine, half of the drug Fen-Phen, the famously lethal diet drug.
Servier, the company, was also convicted for deception and manslaughter in French court over a different diet drug, which killed approximately 2,000 people. T-Neptine's path to its current life as American gas station heroin, it starts with Servier. In the 1970s, Servier synthesized T-Neptine and sold it as an antidepressant called Stabilon. The drug made people feel euphoric in opioid-like ways.
But for decades, the company insisted it was not an opioid. Into this swirling morass of uncertainty stepped Hamilton Morris.
To be clear, some users suspected that this French drug was an opioid because they had taken opioids before. But no one in the general public or scientists knew the actual mechanism this drug was using to have its effect. If Servier knew, they weren't telling people.
And so people were taking a drug that may have been an opioid, but the official story for how it was working on its users was different.
a strong indicator that this is an opioid.
Finally, in 2017, a student at Columbia University figured out how to solve this chemical mystery. Hamilton told me that the student sent a sample of TNeptine to UNC Chapel Hill, which has something called the Psychoactive Drug Screening Program.
Chemists there can take a drug, expose it to cloned human or rodent central nervous system receptors, and actually tell you when this drug is put in your body, here are the receptors that it acts on.
Since we know that we define an opioid not by its chemical structure, but by whether or not it interacts with our opioid receptors, this would be the definitive test to prove if T-eneptine was in fact an opioid.
If Chris was trying to figure out what to expect from Kratom, the way it's sold makes that mission a little confusing. He saw it in a vape shop. It's also sold at convenience stores and gas stations. There's often a picture of Kratom on the packaging, a gray-green herb which suggests it's natural. It's also often sold near cannabis products, suggesting it's mood-altering but maybe not that strong.
A full agonist at the mu opioid receptor. A full agonist is a substance that binds to a receptor and fully activates it. Other full agonists at the mu opioid receptor? Oxycontin. Heroin. This drug was not as potent as them, but it was an opioid by anybody's definition. Some untold number of people had been taking an opioid without ever knowing it.
And we know how we feel about opioids in this country. They are highly addictive substances that often kill their users. But the strange thing about T-Neptine, an opioid, is that while it does seem to be a quite addictive substance, it doesn't seem to be as lethal as other drugs in its class.
Few Americans' lives would be improved by the addition of an addictive opioid. But the question you'd hope the federal government might look into is whether those Americans who are already addicted to a lethal opioid might benefit from a less lethal one. I asked Hamilton about this.
TNeptine, relative to heroin, if somebody were recreationally deciding to, for instance, like stop using heroin, TNeptine might be a good option for that person because they'd be replacing something that gave them a high that they found that they wanted or needed with one that would be less likely to kill them in an overdose. That would be my guess, yeah.
To me, what's interesting, and tell me if this analogy feels facile to you, it's like one way you could understand t-eneptine is that it's almost similar to nicotine vaping, where the idea with nicotine vaping was, okay, for people who are addicted to cigarettes, this can be an off-ramp from cigarettes.
But what also happened is that there were a lot of people who didn't smoke cigarettes, and nicotine vaping was an on-ramp. Like, instead of getting them off a drug to something less dangerous, it got them onto a drug. Like, is it possible that t-eneptine could work the same way?
Sometimes it's behind the counter. Sometimes it's in the aisles with the candy. If Chris was wondering, Will this work? Is it safe? Is it more like a medicine or a drug? The cultural signaling around it was just messy. But he wanted to try it. So he bought some.
Hamilton is pointing to a pretty extraordinary contradiction here, a policy problem I don't know how you'd begin to fix. Obviously, consumers should know what drugs they're taking. They should know that kratom is a partial opioid agonist, that t-neptine is a full one. Ideally, the government would regulate the concentration and purity of these opioids.
And yet, if everyone widely understood these drugs were opioids, it's very hard to imagine that they wouldn't be outright prohibited or severely restricted. Our listener Chris had wanted to know if other people were struggling with these drugs and if the government was going to do anything about it. Some people are struggling with these drugs. Others say they're being helped by them.
There are people who are addicted to more dangerous opioids who appreciate a less lethal substitute. That's the problem I don't know how to fix. Dr. Grundman seemed to think that T-ineptine will likely end up as a prescription-only drug in America, just like in France. But kratom is tricky.
There are people who feel that Kratom is a medicine for them, a medicine that today they can access without having to rely on a healthcare system that may have gotten them addicted to lethal opioids in the first place.
Looking at this situation, it's hard not to wish that we had some other tool, some way to get these complicated substances to the people they'd help, some option beyond prohibition, prescription, or vape store free-for-all. I asked Dr. Grunman if he had any bright ideas. If you had to guess, like,
Given the research we have right now, I feel like a reasonable thing to say is that the best way to distribute these drugs is not in unknown quantities from unknown manufacturer at gas stations. What would... Not thinking about the political realities of life in America, but...
Given how people use them and what we know about their risks and benefits, what would be the best way for these drugs to be distributed based on the available information?
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Sometimes you ask a question and you get, actually, a pretty good answer. Empowering pharmacists to do more than we currently ask of them does not seem like a bad solution. Even if, for now, it does seem like, at least in America, an unlikely one. Oliver, thank you so much. I feel like I understand this much better than I did before we started talking. Certainly, my pleasure.
Dr. Oliver Grunman, clinical professor at the University of Florida College of Pharmacy and president of the American College of Clinical Pharmacology. Surge Engine is a presentation of Odyssey and Jigsaw Productions. It was created by me, BJ Vogt, and Shruthi Pinamaneni, and is produced by Garrett Graham and Noah John. Fact-checking this week by Holly Patton.
Theme, original composition, and mixing by Armin Bizarian. Our executive producers are Jenna Weiss-Berman and Leah Reese-Dennis. Thank you to the team at Jigsaw, Alex Gibney, Rich Perrello, and John Schmidt. And to the team at Odyssey, JD Crowley, Rob Morandi, Craig Cox, Eric Donnelly, Kate Rose, Matt Casey, Maura Curran, Josephina Francis, Kurt Courtney, and Hilary Shuff.
Our agent is Oren Rosenbaum at UTA. If you'd like to support the show and get access to our incognito mode feed with no ads, no reruns and bonus episodes, head to searchengine.show. You can also submit a question for us there, whether you're a paid subscriber or not. Follow and listen to Search Engine for free on the Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for listening.
Kratom had briskly gone from a substance Chris was curious about to a substance he felt was giving him a nice high to a substance he was pretty sure was leaving him in withdrawal. So now he needed to make sure he was taking Kratom often enough to stay ahead of that withdrawal feeling. So his consumption went up, which made him feel ashamed.
The shame may have been compounded by the fact that some people just don't consider Kratom to be a very classy drug, whatever that means.
Tiana, another substance sold in America's unofficial apothecaries, our smoke shops, our delis, our gas stations. Tiana gets its name from its featured ingredient, T-eneptine. Chris thought this was another form of kratom. It is not. We'll get into what it actually is later. Whatever you're guessing, I think you're wrong.
But for now, what Chris knew is that the substance he knew as Tiana seemed to do more for him than kratom had. Maybe too much more. Before he could figure out what was going on, Chris was having deeper withdrawal symptoms. He now had trouble sleeping without the pills, and when he would fall asleep,
It sounds a lot like an opioid.
I haven't taken opioids recreationally, but I just was recovering from a surgery, and so I've been on them recently.
Nope. It's such a lonely experience. I feel like when people have issues with substances, you're in a big community of people who have those issues. But when you're having it with something that's more relatively unknown, it sounds like it's just even harder to chart.
When you say people, do you mean like other patients? Do you mean practitioners? Like everybody was just like, I don't know.
It's like you're trying to figure out if you're in the kiddie pool or drowning in the ocean. And when you're having opiate-style withdrawals at a detox center, you kind of have your answer. Yeah.
So I decided to try to answer Chris's question. And before we go further, I want to acknowledge that there are listeners out there who will not at all relate to the idea that someone would take a substance that they didn't know very much about, that they bought from a guy at a vape shop.
My mom, for instance, who listens to this show, is probably drafting a text right now asking me to promise her I would never do this. So to give a little explanatory context to this choice Chris made, the truth is that we are living through a strange moment in American drug culture. Today, more adults are smoking cannabis daily than drinking. You can buy ketamine on Instagram.
You're seemingly not allowed to run a startup unless you're on ayahuasca. The old world is dying, a new one struggles to be born, and nowhere are things more confusing than at vape shops and gas stations. Here, at the stores we know are not pharmacies, many Americans now buy tobacco, weed, and this new other stuff. Stuff that gave Chris opioid-like withdrawals.
I couldn't imagine a world where the U.S. government would let you buy opioids from the guy at the vape shop or the dude at the gas station. And if that world existed, I certainly could not imagine being able to see that world's upsides. After the break, we learn quite a bit. This episode of Search Engine is also sponsored by Lumen. Lumen is the world's first handheld metabolic coach.
It's a device that measures your metabolism through your breath. And on the app, it lets you know if you're burning fat or carbs and gives you tailored guidance to improve your nutrition, workouts, sleep, and even stress management.
All you have to do is breathe into your lumen first thing in the morning, and you'll know what's going on with your metabolism, whether you're burning mostly fats or carbs. Then, lumen gives you a personalized nutrition plan for your day based on your measurements. And lumen will give you tips to keep you on top of your health game. Your metabolism is your body's engine.
It's how your body turns the food you eat into fuel that keeps you going. Because your metabolism is at the center of everything your body does, optimal metabolic health translates to a bunch of benefits, including easier weight management, improved energy levels, better fitness results, and better sleep.
So if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me slash search to get 15% off your Lumen. That's L-U-M-E-N dot me slash search for 15% off your purchase. This episode is also brought to you by Mint Mobile.
You know when you discover a new binge-worthy show or a song that you bump on repeat and you have to share it with your friends so they can experience just how awesome it is? That's kind of what it feels like when you discover that Mint Mobile offers premium wireless for 15 bucks a month when you purchase a three-month plan. Thanks for watching.
bang episode 88 88 baby do we like starting with bang um i didn't mind it i think it it might it might be frightening like it might be fright like if you click it and it's you probably scream that into the mic let me issue let me issue a post bang warning if you are you wearing headphones be careful in the first if you're in the episode and and that should protect them that should be so now you guys know you knew it was coming you know it's coming
Like Snoop and I think Dr. Dre. Or maybe it wasn't. Snoop and somebody just dropped an album. It's not the old Snoop Dogg, okay? So just it's going to like there's no reason to even listen. Yeah, because he's 50. You know what I'm saying? And it's the same thing like when I'm 50 and Drake is, well, I guess when I'm 50. He'll probably still be doing it. Okay, so if I'm 50, he's going to be 70.
I don't know that I'm really checking for a Drake album. You know what I'm saying? Right, right. No, they're never... Yeah, that's so true, though. It's never the artist again. They're not, but I get it because Snoop's probably like, I'm in go mode. I want to drop. He could still do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They always just... You're just like, damn. I think posthumous albums, too.
It is like that because it's not... It's just they scrape them together. They're not the finished songs. Yeah, these are the songs that they didn't release. I do feel like Pops...
was like it feels like he was just about to drop an album I and I also think juice juice with like the first one yeah maybe the first couple it's like because he also probably had a millions like he's probably gonna drop those those felt like albums to me and then they did how many juice albums I do I think they just dropped one yeah it's too many yeah I didn't even actually juice is dropping it just it doesn't make sense does not make sense um and then my final pick
something's gonna happen and then nothing happened that is true you could almost do it too for like a lot of just fights like a lot of fights jake paul and logan definitely more so a lot of fights are hype built but now that we're ufc guys yeah it's like you like you don't really get disappointed yeah that's true wow it's on me it's sarah sarah calling in
He's going to be watching like when a good, like when the all-star comes up to bat and you're like at an MLB game or you're watching on the TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just grounds out. Yeah. Or they strike out. They don't hit a dinger. Every time. They don't hit a dinger. And you're just like, I know that they're the all-star. Are you just kind of talking about Aaron Judge a little bit too?
No, I just feel like when we would go to a Rockies game and it would be like Carlos Gonzalez. Yeah, yeah. Cargo. And we'd be like, he's up. He would line out to left. And he would go 0 for 4. And then you're like, are we sure that this guy's the all-star? Yeah, that would happen. And he is, I guess. Troy Tulewitzki. Yeah. They never get a hit. Ever. Ever. And that's fine.
That is a good pick though, yeah. Way to be an all-star. Because they're supposed to hit a home run every time. Because they're the star, especially when you're like nine. Colorado's supposed to hit a home run. Aaron Judge was the worst though. That was insane, dude. That was insane. And he was the best player in the league. So confusing. What do you think he's doing right now?
Do you think he's just like, what the f***? Am I supposed to... Should I quit? I don't know, dude. I'd quit. It's probably mental. I would quit. Dude, playoffs next year is no fun for him. Dude, spring training's not fun. Yeah, that's not fun. Like you, you just struck out every single time. It's like awkward. It is. It is. Hey man, what we like, we pay you a lot and you struck out every time.
And you are really good. When we needed you most. You actually are very good. Were you doing a gambling thing on the side that you had to strike out every time? That's a valid question. Because you're the best player in the league. In my five, I'll go kind of like expensive jewelry. I think like if you're going to go all the way, if you're going to go 20K on a thing, that's great.
But I think spending 150 bucks or 300 bucks or something like that on like a necklace, you can get the same thing for $4. And we've talked about it. I agree. I mean, that's the way we go about it. I think you go all in or nothing. So I think. And even if you go all in though, you got to get like a Rolex. That's what I'm saying. Like it's gotta be something that you're like, yeah, that is sick.
It can't just be like a chain. Cause then, cause then like, like this chain, if I bought a hundred dollar chain, it would look like this, this bracelet. Exactly like that. So it's just disappointing. It is a very, that, that is a letdown. So is that it? Is that all five? That is it. I have, so I have a stat of the day again.
I kind of, I kind of liked the last one when you, when it was like a top 10. So I have a similar theme today. I mean, I don't think you'll get it. I think you'll get seven. And then I think there's a couple guys you won't get, but we'll see. Today's stat of the day, and the bet is if Zach goes 0-50, he has to eat a hot chip. If he gets it before that, I have to eat a hot chip.
Today's stat of the day is... Of the active players in the NBA, who has the most career three-pointers made? Active players only. Okay. Like I said, I don't think you'll get it. I'm going to get this. But you might kind of have a weird knowledge and you might get it. I mean, we have weird knowledge of things. Of things.
But there's like two or three guys where I'm like, he's not going to say these guys today. So you got a chef. Chef Curry is in the one of active players and of all players. Jim Harden. Jim Harden is in the two. Dame Dalla. Dame Dalla is in the three. Then you've got, it gets hard. It actually does get harder. I mean, there's like two guys that you absolutely have. Maybe three guys here. KD.
um but yeah if uh that is true like did you watch uh ian gary that fight no but like it was like everyone was like those really boys him versus shavkat and it was like a lot of grappling but i like like what i i enjoy the sport because it's such a like the ufc is such a sport too are you interested in seeing like who moves up and who like it's so interesting like boxing jake paul the only reason you're watching is because you want one of them to get knocked out it's like a hype train thing
KD is in the eight. Klay Thompson. Klay Thompson's in the four. Okay. I like this. I'm doing well. Am I allowed to look? And I know you get really upset and you're a stickler about it. Like, am I allowed to look at it? I'm not a stickler. You're a bit of a stickler. We've had experiences with you cheating in the past. Don't say you. Don't make this a you versus me. It's not a you.
Somebody cheated, okay? We've had an experience with Zach Guarino cheating on his dad. Can we just remain, because it would just be like anonymous. Somebody cheated. I don't have, I don't do this with anybody else. I only have one podcast. It's not a you versus me thing. It's not a you versus me thing. Okay. Can I look up NBA standings or something? What are you looking up? NBA standings.
Let me see that. NBA standings. You can look up NBA standings. Yes. Okay. Just don't. Kyrie Irving. Brotherly that you won't cheat. Brotherly I won't cheat. Brotherly that you won't cheat. Kyrie Irving. He was like 13. He's not an a**hole. Yes. Okay. I really don't want to lose. That's very surprising to me. Get to your spot with. You get to your spot. Get to your spot with the guy.
You get to your spot with.
the guy lebron james lebanon james is in the five yeah wow that's ridiculous man um so they're active that's the thing i think these are all active players yeah we're not doing reggie miller or ray allen or anything reggie miller reggie reggie reggie miller was a great reggie miller was electric he also would just like talk a lot of shit yeah uh clifton paul clifton paul is not in there really he was like another guy who's like 12th or some shit wow
let me see i wouldn't i wouldn't expect no safe no safe no free spots anymore really fuck fuck man fuck i'll give you a hint the six is paul george i was gonna guess paul george paul george is in the six these guys are really tough what else so that makes me think you have seven nine and ten left so that means that we're gonna have one life we're gonna have like just three point specialists
That's what that means. So let me just go through it. Don't cheat. You're not cheating. Yeah. Damn it, I want to get this. There's too many. All three of these are too tough, so just throw one up. Devin Booker. Not Devin Booker. Good guess. Kyle Lowry in the seven. Bitch. Aaron Gordon in the nine. No way. No, it's not. Buddy Heald in the ten. Did I say Aaron Gordon? I meant Eric Gordon.
Sorry about that. He's not in the league. Kyle Lowry, Eric Gordon. No, I think he is. I think he plays like five minutes for the Sixers. That's crazy if he's in the league. For the Sixers, I think. And then Buddy Heald. He was really good, though. He was very good. He was a very good piece. Eric Gordon is on a team, I guess. That's ridiculous.
Back in his good day, he would have been a perfect piece for the Nuggets this year. I wonder what the Nuggets do, man. I'm so concerned. Don't they return tonight? Yeah, I mean, they're playing, I believe, right now. How's Yoke? Wait, by the way, is Lebanon James stepping away for personal reasons? What's up with that? What is that? I think, first of all, he can do whatever he wants. Of course.
Unless in three days it comes out that he was just chilling. 16. But until it comes out, you got to be careful. Just zip it, man. You got to be careful. Oh, yeah. Are we up? We're killing them. Good. Good job, Nuggets. Very good. Very good. Let's see what Nikola Jokic. Okay. Well, clearly it hasn't updated. He's got 0, 0, 0, 0. That doesn't feel right at all. Yeah.
So we have these, we have the Shaq gummies. Yeah. What do you want to go into next? We have Mad Libs and we have questions. And also Riddle Me Stick. I saw somebody say they wanted that. I saw they said that everybody deserves a second shot. Let's go Riddle Me Stick. We'll go. We also, yeah. Do you want to do a Shaq gummy? We can do a Shaq gummy right now. Riddle Me Stick. Riddle Me Stick.
Yeah, because there's no other reason. Especially now. Before he lost, it was like you want to see him be undefeated. Yeah. But now everybody wants to see him get knocked out. Well, now it's just like, what are you even... They got us on the Typhon and they'll get us again. And they'll get us again. Because the next one will be somebody really interesting.
Riddle Me Stick, Shaq gummy. Okay. Dude, where are the Riddle Me Sticks? Riddle me sticks. You're up. You're up. They didn't think they were going to play. They weren't even in box. They're naked. They're not even in box. Yeah, they're naked. Ew. Gross. Dalton, can you blur this for a second? That's ridiculous, man. Yeah. Well, they didn't know they were going to play.
They thought they were caught. That is true. It's not their fault. It's not their fault. Did you smell alcohol on their breath? Not a good start. I mean, not a good start. You do what you want to do, but. I mean, I know they didn't think they were going to play, but alcohol? Yeah, drinking. Really? What time is it? 8 p.m.? Weird. Wow. Wow. All right, man.
That's kind of a weird way to kick this off, but let's just get into it. We'll go first to three, not win by two. We're going outright. What kind of coat can you own? Okay. Repeats. Hold on. I didn't remember that. I wouldn't remember it either. I would have just not known. All right, here we go. Here we go. Riddle me stick, first to three.
If a blue house is made of blue wood and a pink house is made of pink wood, what is a greenhouse made of? Glass. Okay, riddle me stick. What are we, an elementary school? That was fine. You're drunk. You're drunk. He does seem drunk. If an electric train is traveling south and the wind is blowing from the east, which way is the smoke going? What is it?
If an electric train is traveling south and the wind is blowing from the east. There's no smoke, it's electric. Which way is the smoke going? There's no smoke, it's an electric train. I mean, listen, let me stick, man. You're drunk. You're hammered. If everyone drove a red car. Here we go again. I swear to God. What would we have? A red car. A red car? What did he do?
What did this freaking guy say? A red car nation. Like a red car nation. That's a joke. This is not, listen, this is not the time for your standup. Yeah, this is not, okay, like you do that on your platform. Your f***ing failing podcast. Jesus. Riddle me a stick. Riddle me a stick. They get like nine views per pod. That's ridiculous. And it's just comedy. You do that there.
How did the gorilla fix his car? Have we done this? This seems like another joke. I mean, it has to be another joke. It's going to be like ape, something with the word ape. With a monkey wrench. That was funny. Good stand up. That was good stand up, man. That's a joke. What can be kept forever? But that's a secret. We've already done that. I'm filled with fans. Oh. But rarely windy. What am I?
A stadium? Yeah. A stadium. That's good. I like that one. It does feel good when you get them. It does feel very good. It gets beaten, whipped, and cracked. See, now he's toeing the line again. But never cries. What is it? Beaten. A whip.
an egg what's with the egg joke didn't we do that once i did something with that we didn't he did a different egg joke it was like you get oh it gets beaten whipped okay that's fine that's fine yeah yeah if you don't want to break me you must hold me forever what am i here we go this is good silence A promise. That was like that didn't meet the hype. Yeah. That could have been in that.
I saw maybe Tommy Fury rematch and it would get us. I would, yeah. I mean, at this point, like I would probably watch all the fights just because like- Just because you're kind of like a fan of him. It's 30 minutes and I am interested in seeing it, but I will be disappointed every time. I'm just not going to be caught off guard by the disappointment. No, that's a good pick. Yeah.
What is all bark but no bite? A tree. Wow. A tree. And we're all square. And again, like more of a joke than a... That wasn't bad, though. But it's all bark, no... It's like... Yeah. You're not playing words. A tree is made of bark. Yeah. And that didn't really make sense. I run but don't walk. I've done this one. I think I might have done some of these with Sarah or something.
So that's why maybe you're not remembering these. Yeah, I don't. Was it a refrigerator? I skipped it. I don't know. What starts with a P ends with an E and has hundreds of letters? Palfabet. Palfabet? The Palfabeti? Palfabet. Starts with a P, ends with an E, and has hundreds of letters. This is good. See, this is prime riddles right here. This is prime.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, has hundreds of letters. I don't have it. I'm going to type out. Plybrary. I think we've just done this. The post office. Yeah, I don't think I've done that. Yeah, I did that, Sarah. It has eyes that cannot see and a tongue that cannot taste, yet travels the world with you. What is it? That's bullshit. I mean, I was really trying to think just then.
I don't think this thing has eyes. What is it? Shoe. Does his shoe have eyes? No. It has eyes that can't see and a tongue that cannot taste. The tongue of the shoe. Tongue, yeah. Eyes, I mean, I guess they call it. This guy is sloppy drunk. Yeah. I'm tallest when I'm young and I grow shorter as I grow older. What am I? I've definitely seen this one. I've definitely done this one.
I don't know the answer. Tallest when I'm young and I grow shorter as I grow older. What am I? A candle. We've done that. We've done that. We did that last episode. Yeah. All right. We need one more to win here. If you have a pound of... Nope. I've done that. It sounded dirty. I can be caught but never thrown. I like that. What am I? An illness. Yeah. Sickness. A cold. Are we going to give that?
Yeah. You know what? Let's wrap it up. Good job. That'll do it. Thanks for the mistake. Way to go, Riddles. And they weren't terrible, honestly. They weren't. No, they weren't bad. All right. We're going to review the Shackalicious XL gummies. Is this a little bit weird? What? So yeah, Shack Drop gummies. I saw he was doing this. Okay. They're really big. Okay. Oh, wow. That's neat. That's neat.
Okay. So we're going to try the blue first. Really good. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's a good competitive gummy.
That's a good pick. And my one, I'll just go like general sequels. I think a lot, I think a good sequel is good, but I think 90% of sequels are going to be like, that wasn't the original. Yeah. We saw Finding Dory. That was really nice. Oh, was it good? Oh, it was great. But I don't know if that was, I guess it was a Finding Nemo sequel. It was a bit of a spinoff. They kind of, they rewarded Dory.
Love. Pink. Three words for that first one, love. Really? Wait, let me give it three words. Three, though. Three words. Shackalicious. Yep. Pink. Number, out of 10. I mean, that gummy was an 8.3. Yeah. I don't think it was a 9.6. I'm going to give it an 8.9. Okay. Listen, for a non-sour gummy to compete, it's hard to do. No, it is very hard to do. Very hard to do.
Because you have the fish out of Sweden, right? Yeah, but it's almost giving me blue fish out of Sweden. It is fish out of Sweden vibes. It's better because it has more taste. And it's Shaquille's face. Mm-hmm. I like it a little less. I don't like that flavor as much. That was, I think, was that peach? It's giving me like fruit punch vibes. Okay, that was fruit punch then. That was berry punch.
Berry punch. Or no, peach maybe. That might have been peach. That might have been peach. I mean, that one was a 7.2. I don't think we like peach by nature as a flavor. I don't like peach. Well, you know what I like peach doing? Ring up, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ring around the rosy, peach. Wait. I'm trying to think of why you would say that. Oh, peach drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy.
I don't like peach flavor. I love peach drinks. Peach drinks are cool, man. Red. Oh, whoa. Late life. There's late life here. Heavy fruit punch. Heavy hit of fruit punch. They brought in all the fruit punch. Heavy hit of fruit punch. Wow! Yeah, that's good. Oh, wow! I mean, it was almost a little too much. That gave me those little energy cubes that you would eat. Wow, dude.
I only took a chunk out of his head, too. Heavy fruit punch. Holy shit. That was good, though. Wow, dude. That tastes like a fruit punch drink was infused into it. I got to shoot a client. So blue's the best flavor. You can bite into it. And then here we come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It comes late. It's like you're reeling them in. It comes late. Yeah, yeah. Wow, dude. Wow. Those are good. I like those.
I think I could see a blue bag in the future. Blue is the best. Red's pretty cool, though. Red's pretty neat. Red's pretty neat. Red's polarizing. Honestly, 9-1 on red. You couldn't even knock out the whole red, though. Because it's like a lot. Well, I didn't knock out any of them. It's a lot to handle. I'm just... Oh, I knocked out all three. I'm just being professional. Yeah.
I don't want to get sugar high. Yeah. My fruit punch rating will be an 8-1.
i like the gummy i think i think i i'm really excited if they come out with a sour bag sour shackalicious i like how it's a it's a big gummy it's a different gummy than what i'm seeing on the market man yeah yeah this is really exciting it's a good gummy check out the shackalicious not an ad by the way no not an ad um it's just cool that that they're coming out with new candies like we need this i know we need this in the market this is the future this is the future yeah let's get new candies going yeah um should we do a mad lib
Let's do a Mad Lib. Let's do a Mad Lib. I think you're on pen today. I'm on pen. It's a lot of pressure. If you want, this is the last game worn Mad Lib. It is signed. DM BB or me or Zach. We'll send it out. We'll send that out and then we'll have one more. So we're going to send two more. If you want a game worn Mad Lib. The other two have been in the mail. Oh, it looks like we got this one.
And that one was like really good. And like, I think people were like, that was amazing. But Dee's a good actor. An actress. I'm sorry. Dee's a great actress. Dee's a good actress. So it was like, was the script great or was it just great acting? That's what you kind of have to differentiate. The thing with Dee, and I know Dee's been in feral films. Yeah. You know Dory very well.
Just say stinky pink moist breast, please. Not even please. Yeah. I think if you want this, DM us Stinky Pink Moist Breasts. Yeah. And then we'll send that out to you. We'll know exactly what you mean. We'll know exactly what you're talking about. This is a short little one. You have a pen? Short little guy. You got a pen? Oh, wow. Yeah, it's a really short one. You can take this home with you.
Brief. Pretty sweet pen. I'm not going to lie. Where'd you get this? I don't... Go on. I don't know if you gatekeep your pens. I do gatekeep. It's a chrome. For those of you listening... It starts with an O and ends with a depot. Depot.
a home depot no it starts off as depot um okay i want to get pre-checked there let's let's let's um let's get right into it all right mad lib here we go start off with an adjective i don't have that that's gonna be i believe a person plays right yeah Adjective is the, that's the describer. Describer. We get crazy with it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I liked moist was cool in that last one. Moist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sloppy moist. Quackish. Quackish. Quackish. Quack. So it's quack-ish. Quack-ish. That's good. That's good. Adjective. Adjective. Egregious. Egregious.
egregious no idea how to spell that egregious egregious oh wow that's a terrible spelling and now i'm in uh in insecure yeah because these are going out so i know i see my spell because if you're not sending them out you just write it where you're gonna know how to read it oh yeah now that's just oh yikes um adjective adjective um a lot of adjectives here by the way it's just an adjective day it's an adjective party
um um bumpy bumpy bumpy bumpy yeah sure why not another adjective poopish poopish poopish yeah poop relax relax yeah sorry yeah take it easy take it easy exclamation all this pencil and fuck fuck yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah uh adjective pissy pissy sure why not adjective milky milky With conviction. Yeah. Adjective. I mean, it's like, guys, learn another type of word.
You're hounding on the adjective, adjective, adjective, adjective. How many adjectives do you want from this freaking guy? There's like probably two left to even pick. Oily. Oily. You're putting me in a hard spot. I need another adjective. Squirmy. Squirmy.
it easy we're gonna be out of this soon yeah don't give me another adjective adjective that is fucking ridiculous that's crazy that's crazy boob booby i know i'm trying to work it in yeah boobish boobish boobish boobyish booby uh boobyish booby boobyish boobyish boobyish yeah thank you adverb Okay, so that adds to a verb. So it's like he ran quickly. He bounced boobily. Boobily. Boobily. Boobily.
Yes, me and Dee go way back. It's actually like a cute friendship. Yeah. You guys have wingmanned each other with girls and stuff? Uh-huh. I wing fished her. Yeah, you set her up with her boyfriend now, right? Yeah, I did. I'm proud of that. The thing with Dory, Dory will go off script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dory will chill ad lib.
Boobily. Boobily. Yeah. By the way, am I forcing the boob thing or I'm working it in seamlessly? Because I don't want to force. No, you're not forcing it. Like those are slots where it fit. Exactly. I think you're putting it where it needs to be. I mean, I think that's you're doing what every Mad Lib player should do. Good. Noun me up. Noun, noun, noun. Pear, a pear. P-A-I-R. P-A-I-R, yeah. Pear.
Pear. And then noun? Wiener. Wiener. Okay. And then noun me up. Tamagotchi. Tamagotchi. Rest in peace. I feel really comfortable in the nouns. They just flow off. Yeah, yeah. All right, we're done.
okay all right once upon a time this is called the fable number three really kind of mailed it in on the title there yeah you could have given us something else you know what i'm saying yeah um once upon a time a quackish dog got a hold of a of an egregious bone
that was good yeah so far we this this is a good freaking story yeah he was walking across a bumpy bridge and saw his poopish reflection in the water fuck he said there's another pissy dog with another milky bone yeah that's good that's some good shit um i'll make I'll make an oily grab, take his, and then I'll have two squirmy bones. Yeah. I mean, he's just pissed. Yeah, he is.
He's just yapping. With that, the boobish dog jumped into the water and boobily drowned. Oh, no. Moral. A pear in the wiener is worth two in the Tamagotchi. That's good. No, we landed that plane. That prompt was kind of weak, man. Yeah. We landed the plane though. The moral made sense. Read the moral. Remember this guys. Yeah. Remember this.
At least I covered my bases. At least I warned him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because I think that's all you could ask. For sure, for sure. Let him know beforehand. Exactly. You let him know beforehand. Exactly. You literally told him before the bang happened. Can I do one more bang? Yeah, now you can do it. Bang! Yeah, there you go. And now you knew that one was coming as well.
If times get tough, a pair in the wiener is worth two in the Tamagotchi. So again, we don't like to get serious, but we'll drop a gem from time to time. Well, when they, when they present themselves, I'm happy to do it. We've been, we've been around. We have some wisdom. Yeah. Yeah. We've been around the block. If you want that DMS, what was it? Here, I'll find it real quick.
Moist booty hole or something. You said booty hole? I think that's what it was. No, it's not booty hole, dude. Get your mind out of the gut. Whatever. If you would like a Game War Mad Lab, we have like three or four in here, so we can give a bunch out. DM us stinkypink... Moist breasts. That's it. One over to you. News. We're in this. That's the news I have. We're in People Magazine.
And I wanted to go over their description of us. You tell me if you think it's accurate. I think it is. Okay. I don't even remember this. Sports enthusiasts. Is that what we are? Your thoughts. I mean, I fuck with sports. I like sports. I like that a lot more. And then what did they put as the sentence? Their sentence was just, they were like, they did a good job.
They give her like skeleton bare bones and then she just does her thing. And then she just puts the noise on it. For sure. She puts the goodness on it. For sure. But yeah, I feel like sequels, they just don't really... They typically... And not to sound like a movie slob. Yeah. It's because if Moana won, banger. You hit with that one. Everybody's going to go see Moana 2. Moana 2 was cheeks. Yeah.
I honestly was worried because we did that like interview or whatever. They said like, describe your guys in one sentence. And we gave them the worst sentence I've ever given anybody in my entire life. We said like two brothers that are expressing themselves. Oh, my God. Two brothers that are expressing themselves. It was the worst thing we've ever said. I'm so glad they didn't use that. Yeah.
Their breadbasket account is known for funny draft video rankings, everything from athletes to animals. That's not bad. I mean, that's a good one sentence there. That's not bad. Yeah. So we're in people. Shout out to the sticks. Shout out to the sticks. Making that happen. Yeah, that's cool. Anything else?
else any want soto to the to the mets yeah that's like why did you sign with the mets but seems like you know what it seems like to me i don't know what it seems like to you it seems as if he's annoyed with the yankees like just or he was just like guys just like i get it you're the yankees but just like chill out yeah like shut up Just chill the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't care.
That's what it seems like to me. Probably doesn't care. Yeah, he's like, I just don't care. He just plays baseball. Yeah, so I want to be in New York, but I don't really want to play with the Yankees because you guys are kind of weird and make me shave my face and stuff. It's probably what it is. The shave face thing is crazy. I would be a little bit annoyed if I was, like, I'll do it.
Imagine if we play for the Yankees, we just have to shave. But what if you look better with a beard? That's what I'm saying. That's a crazy thing they have going. It's a little weird. It's a little bit weird. It's just kind of, yeah, there's nothing else to it either. That's a little bit weird. It's a little weird. What else we got? Any Luigi stuff? He kind of fell off.
His name's Luigi, and that's just, again, still Luigi. Yeah, I can't believe that. Somebody screamed, it's a me, Mario, when he was coming out of jail. I saw that. It's so funny, dude. That's awesome. I think that's really funny. I think that's really good content. We got Colby Covington fights tomorrow. Is it a main? It's not a... No, it's a fight night. Okay. Watch it. Yeah. He was electric.
Or those are free? Those are free. Wow. Check that out. All the streaming platforms are down. Oh, are they? Yeah. Well, I mean, how have you been with that? Like, I haven't been able to do effectively use StreamEast for a while. Dude, the streaming shit, like, I bought the past couple UFCs. The problem with the streaming is, like, I'm... Dude, like, I have NBA. Oh, yeah. It just doesn't work.
You have League Pass? I have League Pass, and I will still watch on StreamEast. Why wouldn't it work on League Pass? It just doesn't work. They don't have the UFC fights on there.
wait oh and i bought i paid my i paid i paid it's like 12 a month so you think that that that nba league past seven so you're saying it's there's like a like a bug there's a glitch so it doesn't play that ufc fine that's why numbers are down nba numbers are plummeting because you won't because you don't can show the fights yeah yeah okay yeah yeah figure it out yeah figure Figure it the f*** out.
It's weird that NBA League Pass isn't showing you the fights. Because you're paying for the... You're paying... You're literally paying NBA League Pass for all the fights. For all the... What are you paying for? I want games. I want fights. I want it all. They show what? They show hoops. Sometimes. But that's not even what you're paying for. It's dumb. Do your job. Tell me about it, man.
Ratings are down. That's, I guess, some news. Like, have you seen that? But that genuinely is, like, because it's like, I don't even know how to watch games. Like, I do have League Pass, and I still, like... Some games are like, it's a blackout. Yeah, and you're like, I... They got to f***ing figure that out.
Somebody's got to buy the whole thing and put them all... It's got to be a legal, like, streamiest type streaming platform. Yeah, it's just like, I can't... I pay, and I want to watch it, and I just can't. That is crazy. And then I won't watch the Nuggets. Yeah, because you don't find an answer. Like, tonight...
LA like since the Lakers are in LA and we're in LA we would not have been able to watch that game that's bullshit yeah and you're like now I'm gonna go to the illegal shit that's bullshit what else we got what else we got I don't think I have any other news you got anything I got nothing let's go into Q's questions This is a good question from Caleb.
I mean, I'm excited to talk about this with you, Zach, and get your honest opinion here. Let's hear it, Caleb. Hey, fellas, where do y'all think Jokic ranks all time? My personal opinion is that he is already top 10 to 15. Splash. That's a sweet way to sign off. Yeah, somebody sent me a video the other day, and I'll quote him because I think it might have been Caleb, actually. This is Ethan.
In my opinion. Did you see it? Is it cheeks? Well, I mean, I also just, I don't like when people start singing in the middle of the movie. It's like, guys, we were really building up a plot here. And now you guys are singing. And now The Rock is singing. And also, that doesn't make sense. And it doesn't make sense. Like, are we singing right now? That's not how that works. No, it doesn't.
He said, go to YouTube and search up JM, my high roller, and watch the most recent video about Jokic. I can promise you a boner. Did you watch it? I didn't watch it, but it seems like, because I was just like, I'm going to see what that video is all about. And it says, is he the greatest offensive player of all time or something? Offensively, I think he's...
top three yeah the question is just like how long do you have to do it for it's like and you have to win a ring he won the ring so like has it been long he's been doing this now for what three four years three four years he's been the best player in the league by far so it's like at what point maybe a couple more years and you start to put him in that you know you also got to look at like steph curry right yeah yeah yeah he had clay thompson draymond green for sure all stars for sure he also had like
Like more good players around him. You know what I'm saying? Like Iguodala. Like we don't... The Nuggets have zero all-stars except for Yoke. Straight up. And he won a grand. So it's like I think we got to... He's top 10 for me. Imagine Yoke with anybody. Like... Oh my God, dude. If Yoke had Klay Thompson in his prime. Best team in the NBA by far, four in a row. It's a diamond. Yeah, it is four.
It's definitely four. Yeah. So where do you think right now though? It's so tough, but top players all time, where do you put Yoke? Do you put him in the top 20 yet? I've got him like eight through 12 for me. All time? Yeah. Eight through 12? If we're looking at best basketball players at basketball, you could argue top 10 easy.
But it's also like accolades and longevity, I guess, is where you have to give them some time. Sure, but maybe it's just because I watch him all the time. When I watch him, I'm amazed every time at how good this guy is. Because he's in a different game. He's playing in a different game. Every time he comes down the floor, he's going to do something good. Yeah, it's a magician.
100%. Yeah. We got Joey C. He wrote in, he wrote a Riddle Me Stick for us. Joey C. Joey, he said, Hey fellas, welcome to this week's riddle me stick from the stick. All right. So it's a riddle me stick from the stick. He said the red house and even like the answer is like down low. So we can't see it. We have to go down. He said the red house has walls that are all red, right? Yeah.
The blue house has walls all painted blue.
yeah the yellow house has walls that are yellow what color are the greenhouse walls glass we just did this um and that's fine the answer is the walls of the greenhouse are made of glass because it's a greenhouse and that's fine make sure to tune in to riddle me stick from the next but he also i really despise drawers that open way too loud i feel that yeah that's not his fault we just did it that's not a good effort come on back joey yeah come on we'll welcome you back for sure yeah
Musicals are fucking so confusing. They're ridiculous. Yeah.
I think this is a good question from Connor Fernandez. He says, which kitchen appliances would you and Danny be? That's a great question. I think about this often. That's a really good question. Yeah. Neither of us have a fridge. No. And I know everybody says this about themselves. What, you think you're the microwave? I think I'm the smoothie maker. Oh, you think you're a blender?
okay they're ridiculous hey guys why are you singing and why is everybody acting like it's not weird that you're singing the only one that works high school musical because they're they're it's part of their thing they're musical guys you know like they're like it's like they're performing a musical it's like they have a musical well they go to high school musical university exactly you know
Blender, but also more like a specialty smoothie maker, like a ninja system. Okay, yeah. So you think you're one of those ninja? I really just, I like making- And you could do this with it? Yeah, yeah. You could take it out and you could drink out of the cup. For sure. That's me. Right? Yeah, that does feel like you. Thank you. That does feel like you.
That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. Thank you. What? What I just said? That you're a ninja smoothie thing? You mirror the sentiment that I'm kind of like a smoothie maker. Yeah. I think I'm like, what do you think? Maybe a popcorn maker? Yes. Were you going to say that? It seemed like you were about to say that. Popcorn maker or slushie machine. Slushie machine.
We got Breadstick Hayden here. He said, it's almost Christmas time. Yeah. Yeah. Blind rank. And then he's got like blind person walking emojis. Okay. No need to do that. Watch out, man. Cereal edition. So we're just blind ranking cereals. Fuck yeah. All right. I mean, I'll just give it to you. Enjoy, man. Nothing like a blind rank cereal. First, we got Froot Loops. Five.
Do you even think they're top 10? Probably not. Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles. There's even a guy like a Cookie Crisp. And I don't even mention it. A Captain Crunch. Pop. I like Pop. I like Pop. I like Honey Smack. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Fruit Loops in the five. Up next, we got my goat, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Number one. Yeah, really good.
Yeah, really good. Really, really good. They walk the walk, too, with that. Up next, we've got Honey Nut Cheerios. I love that cereal as well, man. I'm going to put them in the three. Wow, okay. Okay. It's a good, Danny, it's a really, it's a good cereal. I think it's fundamental. It belongs in the three where you're like, it's not too sweet. It's not too, like, healthy.
It's right in that middle lane. Sure. No, I get that. Up next, we have Wheaties. Four. I think they're ass. I've never really had them, but I'm pretty sure I've heard of them. I think Frosted Mini Wheats could be all right. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just playing devil's advocate for Quidditch. So what do you got open? You got two? Two. I mean, you've been very fond of this cereal for a while.
Cocoa Puffs. I mean, I'm a big fan of the Cocoa Puffs. Yeah, it's a good cereal. That's a good rank. This one comes from Gibby. He says, 2v2 game. I'm assuming we're talking hoops here. He said, would you rather have Grinch and Waluigi or Pink Panther and Luidski? Both are slanky and athletic, but Grinch and Waluigi are rough and tough, where Luidski and Pink Panther relies on smarts.
Um, yeah, but you're, you're, you're always going to, you're always going to do the second one because it's going to make money. That is true. Like frozen too. I think people liked frozen too, but it is, yeah, you do it cause it makes money, but it's like, it's not going to be better now. Cause the first one, and it's also like the same concept. I know.
Lewicki is Luigi? Yeah, I believe so. Lewicki and Pink Pantherous versus Grinch and who was the other? Waluigi. It's a great 2v2. It's a really good 2v2. I think Grinch is the weak link. I like Pink Pantherous with Lewicki. I like that duo a little bit more. I think the best hooper here is Waluigi. So that's what they have going.
Yeah, they have the best player on the floor, and I think, Danny, that's going to be too much for those other two. You think so? You think Grinch can pull his weight? He's slow. He's slow. No, but I think he can guard. I think he can guard. I think they might go a 1-1 zone. And what, put him underneath? And put him underneath, and he can just kind of maybe defend a little bit.
And Waluigi, he's so lanky. It's tough to get a shot up over him. Right. So, I mean, that's who I'm going to go with, but it's Danny. It's probably 11-9. It's a close freaking game. Yeah, I got Luigi, Pink Panther. Wow. We got Callum here. He said, um, he said, has anyone heard from Humpty Dumpty lately? Last I heard he was sitting on a wall.
I just think, no, I, he fell, but he, he falls like once a month and he tried, it's a big thing. So like, I don't, it's at what point and he's fine though. I think he falls on purpose to, he tries to make a new story. Well, I mean, I had a great fall and then he's like, Yeah, it's like, how great is the fall at this point? He's fallen 80 times.
And at what point did this become Humpty Dumpty going after the insurance companies? That's what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? You cracked a shell one time and you got a $50,000 salary. And he keeps doing it. And it goes viral, though, too. That's a problem. Clippers that keep clipping the falls, stop clipping them.
clipping the fall and he'll probably stop doing it because he does it every month why would humpty stop at this point i know he's getting he's he's suing he's getting clicks he's getting money he's getting it all he's the most famous because he has a kick deal now does he have a kick deal so he live streams the fall every time yeah i mean i i don't blame him i just it's like i don't i'm not really i'm kind of over the fall thing like i'm not but i also do think who wrote that question
Who wrote that question? Because I know he's probably very concerned about Humpty. Callum. That's what I'm saying. Don't worry about him. He's hard-boiled. Oh, is he hard-boiled? And he just puts a shell on and it cracks. He's hard-boiled. I actually didn't know that. That almost ruins the appeal of these falls. Yeah, because you see these falls and you're like, oh, he's going to crack an egg.
He's going to crack an egg. And he cracks, but on the inside, he's fine. He's chilling. That's just, yeah. But yeah, man, Humpty Dumpty. It's an interesting case with that guy. This one comes from Dougie. He said, question time. It is question time. Yeah, I have a simple would you rather, gents.
Would you rather receive an annual payment of $2,500 every year for the rest of your life or once a year when going for an open layup in a pickup game you perform a Vince Carter-inspired 360 windmill dunk? $2,500 a year adds up over time. That's a wrap. Say hi to your dog for me. I don't have a dog, but I'll say hi to the dog back home when we see it. We will do that.
And the first one, it's like you, you had all the good stuff and now like you kind of used all the good stuff. You even see that on, even with like a series on social media, the first one's always the best. Always. Always.
I'll tell her Dougie says what's up. I need the Vince Carter dunk. Yeah, right. That shit, you get to do that once a year. I look forward to that way more than just the nice 2,500. 2,500 is nice, but... Yeah, my only worry is that people aren't watching. I need that dunk. Do you think you can decide when you do it? I don't think you can. So it might just be like you and I are playing...
That would suck. That would suck. Imagine if we were filming content and you used your card or dunk. Imagine if I'm filming. Just remember filming like a guest to person. And I like, and it runs out of storage. Oh, that would suck. And you do your Vince dunk. It would be sick if we got it for the page though. It would be awesome. If we got the card or dunk on tape. It would be tough to explain.
I'm going to just, yeah, I think you have to go with a 360 windmill. It's just too cool. It's too much upside. Too much upside. Yeah. 2,500 is good honest money. Yeah. And it would be fun to just like, you get your 2,500, you spend it on some shit. Totally. Cause it's just coming in. Yeah. But I mean, I think you have to go to the Vince. I agree. We got Breadstick Hayden.
I think we already read one from him, but this is awesome. He's got two? Two time on this one? He might be, and that would be the first time ever, two in one book. Wow. If that is, I mean, that's... Because I think we just read one, didn't we? We just got Hayden, I think. Yeah. I mean, that's going to be like a record that is probably not broken for a while, if it ever is broken. Wow.
Good for you, Hayden. But I mean, this is a banger of a freaking question. He said, how much would you pay...
he said how much would you pay for your 60 minute life highlight reel he said sports funny jokes etc i would pay yeah 250 oh my 250k yeah i mean that that's that's i would show it to everybody i would utilize that do you have any moments off the top that you think would be in there like that you can think of i just think i've got like a lot of like i think i've i've cracked good jokes of of mm-hmm
always the best should we snake here uh yeah snake except and the only reason i didn't take that by the way inside out two is that is true that it but that's it's rare but like inside out two is better than one i think walked the walk man walk the fucking walk i can't wait for three you think she's gonna be grown up oh hell yeah she's gonna be grown so that's her favorite movie right yo yeah dude it's so good though it's really good it's really good we should bring back movie reviews
I feel like anytime in practice I've done some cool stuff. Soccer stuff, yeah. Or maybe just shooting around and I hit a shot. I think it would be well worth my money. Yeah, I think I got to do that too. Do you have any that come to mind? Not really.
I'm trying to think of like sports, but if they put it together, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm sure there's, I remember I scored a goal against CJ when we were playing rush. Remember CJ, the goalie? No, I scored a, like a, just a banger on him. I remember. It's a good, I mean, I would pay a lot. I would pay top dollar. I mean, I would, yeah, I'd pay all my money worth it. Blue Jay's back, man.
Blue Jay wrote in. Yes, thank God. Blue Jay fucking wrote in. I've been losing sleep over that. See, Blue Jay, he's a longtime writer to the pod. Good bird. He's a great bird. He's a troubled bird. But great bird, though. No, I'm just saying prayers for introducing him as a troubled bird. I'm saying he's a troubled bird because he's a troubled bird. Don't come at him in the comments.
Be nice to him. Don't act like I'm trying to like... Yeah, but I'm not attacking Blue Jay. I like Blue Jay. He said, Dear Danny and Zach, and I haven't read this. Usually we've got to proofread these before. Let's see what he said. He said, I hope this note arrives to find you in excellent form and fortune. He's doing the thing. He's doing the thing. It's like, what's really going on? Yeah.
What do you actually want? Just ask what you want from us. I know this is a safe space. Yeah, he's going to ask for money. Or drugs or something. Sometimes he just asks for drugs. I know this is a safe space, so I feel compelled to share something weighing heavily on me. Last week at my community pool,
a male and dean connor called me pale and likey those words have affected me deeply both emotionally and spiritually this is bad this is not yeah he's all it seems like a therapist hasn't called texted or emailed me back he's probably even pushed his therapist away I fear the effort and progress I've put in to get where I am today may all start to fall apart soon. Okay, we need to help Blue Jay.
We need to help Blue Jay. He's in a bad spot mentally. I can't believe this bird writes into us, man. I mean, listen, I'm blessed. If you guys have Blue Jay, I think Blue Jay's on Insta. Send Blue Jay some loving DMs. But mean it.
know what i'm saying really mean it yeah yeah yeah um be there for this bird man this bird needs us this bird needs us this bird has a lot to offer this world yeah i would say just don't think about it too much bj yeah yeah you know like yeah exactly like he didn't trust yourself you're a good bird you know what i'm saying and and trust all the work you've done right i mean like you've got you've you've done a lot of work to to deal with situations like this right right um right
88. Yeah, love you guys.
I saw somebody, I forget who. Yo, we can bring back a movie review today. Oh, watch one after this? No, we'll watch one after this, but that one movie that we watched that I told you to watch. Oh, I love that movie. We'll review that later. It's What's Inside. And let us know if you want movie reviews back. I would love to do that. So this is two for you. This is two. I'm going to go like...
This is very, this hits home for us. I don't know if this is like a general thing, but like, like a bender, or if you're trying to do like a two to three days in a row of drinking, maybe a spring break is one that I think of. Like when you go on a thing where it's like, we're going to go five days and we're going to like drink every day and go hard, or even just like two days.
It's like the first day you go really hard. The second day you're like, I don't want to drink anymore. The third day, like I'm still tired from the first day. But I think some people can do the bender thing. I can't, we can't. I just don't get it. It's like, you feel like asked the next day, how are you going to, how do you keep it pushing? Like, that's how, like, it's the same thing.
Like 4th of July, like back in the day, we would like go to Vail. That's it. And it's like a three-day trip. I would always be like, I want to go on like the fourth and then come back on the fifth because I'm not going to want to drink. Like if I go on the third, drink. On the fourth, I'm definitely not going to want to drink. Yeah. And then on the fifth, you're... Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, it's a hobby of mine. We got a good draft. Shout out to us. All the electricity went out and we fixed it. And I'm really proud of us. Those issues never just sort themselves out. We freaking sorted it out. I think we broke a circuit or something. We snapped it. I don't know. We know what we're talking about. We're electric guys. We're electronic boys. We're electricians.
It's like, I don't want to do it. Or you can think, you could try to be like, I'm going to want to do it. And then you're not going to. You're out on day one. But the other people do want to. I know. I think that's just an us thing maybe. Yeah. I don't know. I don't remember Belmont spring break sophomore year is like that.
It was, we went and we were there for like five days at like a pool resort. And I went ham night one. And then night two, it was like 10 AM. People started drinking or not night two, day two. And then like they would drink all day, drink, day, drink, drink, day. And it's like, how do you do that? I think, I think we're missing out on the dog, the hair, hair. I think that's probably what it is.
I think you feel like ass and then you just push and then you're fine again. But then I just, the thing I worry about. To come down after five days. Wow. Wow. It's just, I can't do that. Oh my God. You would feel terrible. You'd feel so bad. You would probably. But it probably wouldn't even just be a one day or. No, no, no. It'd be like a week long. Just like, who am I?
So I've never gotten there though. So. I've never gotten there either. But that's a great pick. Yeah. Just benders. General benders. Yeah. The worst. Yeah. I'm going to go to the ending of TV shows. I like that a lot actually. There's never been a TV show that satisfied me. Even Breaking Bad. Breaking Bad did not. It was good, but it didn't really... I mean, it was great.
It was as good as it could have been. Exactly. But still, I was left being like, I kind of just want another season or something. I'm like a little bit... That is very true. And the whole time you're watching Breaking Bad, you're like, how is this even going to end right now?
and it's not even their fault it's like what else they killed him off like you got to end it and and then it just ends yeah there's really no way you could go about it that is that's a good one and that's a good ending think about like how I met your mother you're like that was the most I think that was an ass ending yeah that was like the worst ending of all time exactly I mean it's tough to it's tough to do it right it's like honestly impossible to do it right because you just want it to be you want Breaking Bad to be
30 seasons and you want to watch a new season every month yeah yeah um so that's my two my three is going to be oatmeal and honey i'm just taking two picks with one never so oatmeal never meets the hype does oatmeal have hype does for me brother it what like you're like oh that's supposed to be really good have you ever watched honey has hype and i'd like the honey pick a lot
Yeah, well, so let's start on oatmeal for a second. Yeah. Have you ever been scrolling on Instagram slash TikTok slash Twitter slash whatever? You know, maybe Snapchat. Tumblr. Tumblr. Well, you know, whatever you're scrolling on. Yeah. And you see somebody eating oatmeal. Yes. And you're like, that looks really nice.
I don't really know what's going on with that, but I'm going to go to the store. I'm going to get that. I'm going to have it tomorrow morning. It looks like a cool, not super sweet, but kind of tasty, kind of healthy. You're kind of like that's probably a little maple-y and rich. And it feels like classic and vintage-y. And it feels like healthy as well. Yeah. Yeah.
And you're like, I just want to be a part of that f***ing movement. Yes. That's every time. I do know what you're saying with that. Okay. Then you go to the store, you get regular oatmeal. You put it in the bowl, you make it. Sorry, go ahead. It's the worst thing you'll ever eat. Have you experimented with the other, the little flavor bags? Have you done dino nugget? Yes. And it's good.
We're the electronic boys. Yeah, that's what they call us. Do you want to kick it? I was kind of struggling for picks on this one. We're doing things that don't live up to the hype. Yeah. So I got some all right ones. You could kick it off, though. You know, there's a lot of ways you can go with this. I have to take this with my first pick because I know you're a big fight fan. Jake Paul fights.
And that's where it's good. But when I'm watching these guys, they're just eating. They're like doing oats and shit. Yeah, it's like just oats and like water. And then they eat it. And it looks really good when they have it, but it's terrible. It's plain Cheerios vibes. Oh, it's terrible. Yeah. Now onto the honey subject. Honey has this f***ing...
spark plug expectation now it's not it's get the hell out of here when i do honey it's like where's the honey where's what what am i what what is it where is it where is it what are we talking about yeah what what what what it's fine no it's not even fine it's just like what do you what do you Yeah, well, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. What do you... You think you're syrup?
That's what he thinks he is. That's what he thinks he is. But I think... If you put honey on a pancake, that pancake would be bland as... It would be terrible. Yeah. It would be terrible. It'd be terrible. I think it's cool how you can do like a... Like a hot honey pizza. I think it's cool that it can blend. I just don't even know. I don't even get it.
In any situation where you are like, I think honey is going to make this dish better, I bet syrup would do more than honey. I agree. In every situation. I agree. Even like a honey nut Cheerio, that ain't even honey. That ain't even honey. No, Honey Nut Cheerios are fucking spectacular. Spectacular. And that flavor ain't honey. Don't give that to honey. I just don't get it, man.
I just don't get it. I don't get it either. I think that's a great pick. I think maybe like it's a good natural thing. I don't really even know what honey is. I don't know what it tastes like. It's just like, it's like kind of, I want to say bitter. I don't know that bitter is the word. You ever do a honey stick in like elementary school? Those were kind of neat.
Yeah, it's just... Honey is just... It's so hyped up, and I don't get it. It is, it is. Because it's just not that guy. I'm sorry. It's like nature's little treat. That's what people think of it as. And it's booty. It's booty crap. Yeah, it is kind of ass, dude. I think that's a great pick. And now there's this new thing... Never mind. Go ahead. What is it? What? It's like a health thing. Honey?
Or I don't even know that it's a health thing, but I'll see gym guys. Yeah. They'll be like, before I go to the gym, I'll have honey. I don't know. I don't even know. Honey, I don't know who you're paying. That's what it is. It's fishy. I think it's fishy. I think there's something going on. But that shit ain't healthy? No. It ain't healthy. Your syrup that tastes bad. Whatever. Yeah.
With my three, I'll go to bowling after like three frames. Okay. Yeah. I just think it gets kind of boring. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. You roll a couple frames and you're like, no, it's not that fun anymore. Well, maybe you start to experience, oh, maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. Yeah. It's like you're not going to bowl like a three. Maybe if you go three strikes in a row, that's very fun.
But I just think it gets old quick. Yeah, because also you're like, you kind of, I kind of just, you're like, you showed all your cards bowling. That's, dude, that's like bowling, being like a pro bowler. Like, it's probably so annoying for bowlers, but why don't you roll a 300 every time? I don't know.
I think, no, but I think they kind of, they don't, but they taught, but like, why is it like a free throw? Maybe it's probably like, it's gotta be like a free throw. That's probably what it is. And they're probably like 90%. It's a free throw. But then again, how do you do that sport? You're doing the same thing. And it's not even like golf.
Yeah, it's pretty much... Or you know what? I'm going to say Paul Brother fights. Yeah. There's been a couple good ones. Which ones? Tommy Fury, I thought that was a good fight. I enjoyed that fight. But in that one, I was rooting for Jake, and then he lost. And then he lost, so that's disappointing. And then I was disappointed in that regard.
It's like, you're doing different holes, shots and different shots, clubs and different. And no lie is ever the same. Bowling. It is the same thing every time. And that's, and that is why you're disappointed after three frames. Cause you, cause I've done it. I've done it, dude. Did it. I'm out. What's next? Like, okay. 10 pins. How about 11 pins? 12 pins? 13 pins?
Or like short lane, long lane, bumper, bumper roll, bumper, bumper. Yeah. Oh, dino roll. Dino. Yeah. Why is that a dino? It is a dino. I don't know. I think diners are cool. And I think they just wanted maybe just like Coors Field, like dino. Yeah. I think it just showed a little bit of love. Yeah. But it gets a little boring. That's a good pick. I'll snake into four. I'm going to go.
This is from when I was like a kid kind of vibe, just like all nighters. Okay. I just remember like Nick Harvey and I would like do an all night. We'd be like, we're going to do a sleepover and do an all nighter. And it'd be like three and it's like, I just really want to go to bed. Yeah. I'm just really, and you're like kind of falling asleep. And then they're like, are you sleeping?
You're like, no, I'm good. Yeah. And it, but like all nighters are supposed to be like, we're going to do an all nighter. It's going to be sick. Yeah. Big time. Yeah. And then you're just really tired. Yeah. I, I, I, it's, I have always been like that. I mean, at some point it's like, guys, I'm tired. And this is not what humans are supposed... This is messed up, man. This is messed up, dude.
And, like, after you do a sleepover or two... Sleepovers are so electric when you're, like, fifth grade, though. They are, because it's, like, way more than just chilling with the boys. Because you don't have access unless your parents let you do it. Yeah, it is crazy. But, like, I... I think I abandoned the sleepover early. Did you?
I was probably in middle school when I said, we could chill, but I'm going home and sleeping in my own room. Because it's better. And you want to get sleep because you're tired. Exactly. Yeah. And that's always the move. Oh, 100%. Get my ass back home. 100% the move. You know what I'm saying? Yes. I guess when you're like 11.
When you're 11, it's like I get to be at Zach Crozier's and not in my room. It's like an adventure. It is exciting. I know for me, I would go somewhere and they would have a Wii and I was like, I love it. They have the Wii and they have the fun game. Those hours are cherished. Christopher Schnipp had laser gun toys. Oh, yeah. They were like laser guns. Wait, laser tag? Yeah, like laser tag guns?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Laser tag toys. That shit was fun, dude. And if they hit the other laser tag... It goes off. Yeah, it was so awesome. And would you guys just go against each other? Like, yeah, it would just be, like, all the boys. It would be, like, red versus blue, and you just, like... Yeah. It was awesome. That was, like, Friday. Yeah, it was sick. Red versus blue.
So that was, like, a cool feature. Because that was, like, laser tag at the bowling alley, but it's at home. Yeah, it was pretty... That was pretty sweet. That is... I mean, that is sweet. That is sweet. I'm on to my four, I believe. Yeah. I'm going to say, like, legacy albums or, like, posthumous albums. Posthumous albums is really good, yeah. Or even legacy albums. What's a legacy album?
I mean, the Mike Tyson fight was the most disappointing fight I've ever seen. It was extremely disappointing, but most of the time, it's like Floyd Logan. You're like...
Mm-hmm.
Hi, my name is Yuna. I'm 29. And my question is about how to date other people after a bad breakup. So I feel like last time I had a bad breakup, I forced myself to date to get over them. And it was a disaster. Like I was crying in the middle of dates. So it didn't really help. So how do you make yourself date again? I just don't really feel interested in it. Nobody seems interesting to me.
I just don't want to date anybody else, basically. And it's been over a year.
Really?
Yes.
Stitcher.
Mm-hmm.
Hi, pussies. Welcome back to Therapus. If I look a little tired, it's because I just woke up from a nap. I took a really early flight this morning. I was at the Webby's last night and I actually won a Webby for comedy and I just wanted to say thank you guys. I love you all so much and I wouldn't be possible without you. But tonight we have Lizzo on the podcast who I adore.
She always uses this example of like one time I threw up on the street when I was a kid and no one in L.A. like stopped and looked and like asked if I needed help. But she was like, if we were in New York, everyone would have been like, are you okay?
Okay, I've never heard that. That's interesting.
Yeah, the Midwest is lovely. Yeah. Wait, so were you, how long have you been playing shows for?
Were you like, like, did you, were you like, if everything stopped now, like I'm good, like this is amazing. And then it got.
No, I know. But that's what they say happens. That's the reason I ask is because before this on a much smaller scale, like I, like that happened with me. And like when I, when I, when I was in life, like I was working at a record label and I was like making TikToks for fun. And I was just like, oh my God, like life is so fun. And then it all became serious really quickly.
It's like when you're having fun and you're like, You're, like, you enter that, like, brief period of, like, true authenticity and, like, true happiness. Like, everyone can sense it and they're, like, give it.
I'm the most desperate person alive.
How do you feel like cultivating relationships changed pre and post, like, real, real fame?
And how many people would you do like a day?
I think it also changed when TikTok came about because everybody can share their experience.
You know what I mean? So it's like, Back in the day, if somebody had a bad experience with Tom Cruise, it could end up on the gossip blogs, but that's as far as it would get taken. You know what I mean? And now it's like, my experience with Tom Cruise, 500,000 likes, and it's the story of the week. You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, sorry. I just realized how that sounded.
observe and be aware of right you know but it's a hard lesson to be to learn that one yeah that's a hard lesson to learn honey oh I know I'm I know I'm gonna have to learn it eventually and it gives me so much anxiety I'm like I don't I care what everybody has to say about me and like I've oh just since I was a kid and it's like I know I want to do this and I know I want to be in this space but like I literally like you're like I don't read comments I can't help but read comments like I can't help it
Or like this is the greed they talk about in the Bible. Yes. Gluttony.
Oh God. Sometimes opening up when it's not your video, opening up the comments and just like, knowing what you're gonna see. Oh, it's the best.
You kind of have to like. remove yourself from yourself.
I'm just kidding. People say that. But I was, people really ride for that fucking movie.
Have you done a podcast that you, like, love?
And I have loved you since. Well, I was thinking about, I was like, when did I like fall in love with Lizzo's music? And I was thinking about there was two moments. Okay, so the first moment was that sink in someone great for Truth Hurts.
One of the all-time favorite things.
Because I remember that. Okay, so the reason that I love that thing so much is because that made me watch the movie.
What you just said reminded me of what you said about the song Soulmate. It's like you were trying to convince yourself that you were this person in the studio. So would you say Still Bad was kind of like how you felt while recording Soulmate, just about a different feeling?
So I remember seeing a clip from it. I don't know if it was in the trailer or something. I think it might have been. And I remember thinking, oh, I want to watch the movie because of that clip and that song. So that was when I think I discovered you, but then you also were at Coachella 2019. Woo! Woo!
I honestly, today I was like, have I lost track? No time.
It's not a getting older thing. And it is something I think unique to like the world we live in right now.
Yes, I do. I think we're doom scrolling. And I think we like pick up our eyes sometimes and we're like, oh my God, it's what year is it? What day is it?
No, I agree. I'm always like, I know I need to touch grass. But, yeah, it is. Like, we are being microwaved by social media. Like, I am like, I cannot believe that guy scrolled on someone in real life.
We're doomed. Have you seen the Black Mirror episode Nosedive?
It's very similar to I think actually what our society has turned into.
Like everybody like walks around with a rating above their head.
And it's like reminds me of like cancel culture and how quickly as a society we're ready to like zero stars you know like and i think i don't know i just it's so interesting it is and i i think god i it's so we're fucked canceling is such a weird thing
And and I was just like listening to the lineups music and me and one of my best friends, Caroline, were just obsessed with good as hell.
I think it's because when you go so hard for something, it's human nature for other people to be like, I kind of feel bad.
Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, I kind of feel bad. Like, well, you're too harsh.
So when you go, it's how – and I have had to learn this in my own life. It's the message can be right, but it's how you deliver it that's wrong.
So it's like it's not up to you whether other people fuck with this person anymore or not or other people – it's not up to you whether other people are going to still like this person or not. Right. It's up to you what you want to do.
Right. And like these people that are like, we should all not like this person. Right. Someone eventually is going to be like, I feel kind of bad.
People love, I can't imagine. Yeah.
Do you ever feel like, though, of course, backlash and accountability is important, but do you ever feel like some people really just enjoy kicking people while they're down, and then it's like you can't tell the difference, and then it's become this – it's become –
You can choose a battle a day if you wanted to.
Are you nervous for people to have an opinion on the new record or do you welcome it?
Yeah. Is there a song on the record that you feel is like the most vulnerable point in the record?
She's a Taurus too. Hello. I love my mom's a Taurus.
You guys are the fucking best. You love material things.
Are you super into astrology?
What's your rising? What's your moon?
Scorpio. Oh, wow. Right. Scorpio sun.
Gemini rising. Oh, Gemini moon.
You were like, if you were this, I was like, I think I am that.
No. I have no idea. I'm not grounded by anything. Wow. Like, anything. I'm constantly in my head, in the air. Like, I don't know. Wow.
And I think that's what, you know, there's something so cool about that because that's what that movie is kind of about as well. You know, it's like about saying yes and doing things. So it's cool that saying like thing. Saying yes.
It's the Gemini. The Gemini is so overwhelming.
It's how I can talk to people. Yeah.
I can find a problem in this side of the chair. Like anything. Am I, am I wrong?
That makes sense. I'm that way with, um, like, female musicians I have like a whole like thing on it but like that like I'm in pop culture okay like I know everything and there is to know about pop culture and female musicians from the 90s and the 2000s the 80s the everything like are you kind of like a genius when it comes to pop culture
No, I just like, I'm like very, very, very, very, very into it. I grew up on it. Like I wasn't like into knowledge in school, like in math or whatever, but like I was, I'm very into like pop culture. Like that's the knowledge I absorb. Or I love like throwing myself into a television show.
And like, and specifically ones that fuck with your head.
There's this show. Have you ever seen The Leftovers?
Okay, so right now I'm watching The Leftovers.
What type of show do you like?
Oh, I just finished. I just finished. Are you caught up?
I remember watching that in my room and I was like, That was a hard ending.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.
It was just, that was a tough, tough, tough ending. You know who I fucking love in that show that some people are like, how do you love her? But Patricia Arquette's character, what's her name? Cobell. You don't? I love her. I think she's such a bad bitch. Wow. Yeah, I think she's such a bad bitch. I'm obsessed with her. Here's the thing about Cobell.
Okay. I see what you mean. For me, the way I took it was like... that's, it was, it explained why she was the way she was and why she had that crash out in season one and why she is so angry and so filled with passion is because she was such a loyal follower of Keir and to, and it made that line when Helena looked at her and was like, I think you've underestimated your contributions.
Getting really high one night and making a funny video.
It's like, no, she was the contribution. So I think to me, when I saw that, I was like, ugh. But it wasn't as big of like a, as I thought.
She came on and it was really, really, really fun. And we had such a lovely time together. And we talked about her new album and her road up until here. And we talked about our favorite TV shows. And it was amazing. I'm sorry if I seem so fucking tired. It's because I'm like literally tired. So fucking tired. But yeah, I'm really, really excited for you guys to see tonight's episode.
I don't get it. Nobody knows. What is, what is, what's cold harbor for? I don't understand. Like what, what were they, what were they gaining from that?
It was, like, some skit. It was, like, John Hancock, something about the Declaration of Independence.
I'd love more depth to him. I'd love more depth to him next season.
I want his personal life. I want to see what it's like when he goes home.
Oh, my God, I'm trying to act too cool. Like, I know word for word, bar for bar what it was. Don't be cool. This is not the place to be cool. It was John Hancock writing his name too big and someone being, like... You know what I mean? And so I was super high when I did it. And then I, it just changed my entire life.
Me too. I love when he cracks.
So you're in the market for a new show though.
Oh, that show was the first show I ever saw on Netflix. Wow.
And I love, oh my God, there is this fucking song that they used in the trailer by, I'm telling you, I love.
No, no, no, no, no, no. It's, oh my God, Louise, will you do me a big favor and look up Orange is New Black season one trailer song. This song changed my life.
I have a few and I'd like to hear yours after as well.
So mine is the Archer by Taylor Swift. Wow. Cause hearing such a superstar, I had never heard her, you know, I heard her talk about relationships and, And, you know, herself and stuff. But I could never relate to the relationship stuff. But the archer felt very, she had come off of that very tumultuous time in her life.
And it was very self-reflective in the sense that, like, sometimes I don't know if I'm the villain. Sometimes I have been the villain.
And sometimes I've been the victim.
Really well. And it's like, oh, my God, hearing one of the biggest superstars in the entire world sit there and say, like, sometimes I rock and sometimes I suck. And sometimes I don't know who's going to stay because I don't know who can deal with the in-between. Wow. And I remember exactly where I was when I heard it, too. I remember exactly where I was. Where were you? I was...
I was waiting for the B or the C train on 110th Street.
Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, Taylor Swift has a new song.
And it's changed my life ever since. And then I think another song. That changed my life. I think that's it. I think that's the real, real one.
It's called I Love. So every time I say a song comes on the radio and I'm like, I love that song. I'll be like, I'll add it. It's because I got the idea because my friend was like, it was a gratitude practice. And she's like, whenever I say I love something, I just write it down. So it's like you can look back on it. But I do it with music. There's a song from The Strokes called Someday.
It just like led me to speaking of. Yes. Um, I kept making videos like that. I just didn't stop. I would like pump out like four or five a day during that time period. And it just blew up over the course of a week.
I can't relate to the lyrics.
The strokes, baby. Oh, my God. I love the strokes.
Someday is. I remember because similar to how I found you when you were on the lineup for Coachella, I was going to Governor's Ball and I was trying to listen to the whole lineup. I was 2016, literally.
And the strokes were headlining, and I was like, I've never heard the strokes. And I played Someday, and I was like.
Really? By Beyonce, obviously.
I have a concert. What concert changed your life?
I went through a huge phase with them when I was in like sixth grade. And I was like, let me cater to you.
I have moments in concerts that changed my life because I have really hard time picking one. Jamie XX, GovBall, same year, 2016, and he did a remix of Don't You Want Me, Baby? And I just remember being like... Wow. Then I saw The Weeknd, and he did... God, what was it? I think it was Scared to Live. No, no, no, no, no. It was After Hours. What's the one song? Yeah, it was After Hours.
Well, people would comment them. So people would be like, do this, do this, do this, do this.
He has a song called After Hours, right? Yeah, it was After Hours. Sounds like a weekend title, yeah. And that at the time was me and my best friend Alice's song. And I even recorded it and we were just screaming it. And it was like the best, best moment ever. Also, when I saw Taylor Swift, she played Dress as the surprise song. And Dress wasn't even one of my favorite songs.
And, like, not even close. And she said, say my name and everything just stops. And the entire stadium, dead silent. Wow. And I remember being like, oh, that's what this is about.
And I would just, it was like improv.
Well, I don't want to say yes because I don't want to, like, disrespect actual people that do improv. But, like, that is what I did.
Lizzo is on therapist. We are going off the dome. She is in light blue. And she's here. Your turn.
I'm like huffing and puffing.
That was fun. That was fun. Do you want to get into the tell me what's wrongs? Wait. Do I not? Can I not speak today? Do you want to get into the tell me what's wrongs?
You know, I played, like, what was the game you played during improv? Have you played improv? Have you done improv before? What's it like? Zip, zap, zam.
Oh, my God. Before we get into this, you said you were in the market for a new show. I know your mom was trying to put you on something. If you want to start a show that I'm currently just starting, it's called The Leftovers.
Okay, so it's about as if the rapture happened.
And 170 million people from Earth disappear. And it's about three years later and it's about a small town in New York and like how they're dealing with it. And it's about grief and like religion and like faith and like – It is so well done. It is incredible.
Yes. No, no, no. I'm telling you it is.
Oh, I never seen the good place.
Yeah. It's funny. I know the whole, the it's the, Oh, we're in the bad place.
You know the time I really, really felt that way? Have you ever seen The Jinx on HBO?
Okay, so... I don't I really you know what I don't want to spoil it. Just watch. OK. But I want to keep in mind if you do watch it. I watched this in real time. You know what the jinx. Oh my God. OK. So I watched this in real time. The final like 30 seconds of the finale of season one. I was like how am I. Like, how is the world going to go on tomorrow?
Like, that's how that felt.
That was crazy. That was the best season finale of any show I've seen.
It was so good. And I also watched that in real time. And I remember being like. my best friend Brett was also watching. I was like, you have to watch the finale right fucking now.
Do you watch yellow jackets?
Leftovers sounds really good. Try the leftovers. And I personally love it. And like, I just think it's fascinating. Okay. Went on a date with this guy that my friend set me up with. It all seemed normal until he started asking weird questions like, what's your blood type? What's your escape plan if you're in danger?
I thought they were just quirky, but things got weirder when he handed me a note at the end that said, the mission is complete. Destroy all evidence and never speak again. Then he just left. Funny, but rude. How do I get my friends back for this?
I don't understand. I would kill... If my friend set me up on a joke date...
They're not your friends. They're actively not your friends.
I just feel like romance is so... Oh, God, it's so, like, sensitive.
And, like, to have someone fuck with that is, like, not a friend.
It's not. They're not your friends.
Well, it's true. Three thirds.
I'm having anxiety because I threw my drink at a guy in front of all of our mutual friends. When I was on spring break last week, my ex-boyfriend and I hung out and he told me I was perfect and the only girl he wanted to be with. We hooked up. The next day at the pool, I saw him making out with another girl, so I confronted him. Later, as they are making out at the pool, I threw my drink on them.
I know, but I... The girl didn't deserve... The girl didn't deserve it, and I feel bad for the girl. The guy, like, I love a good drink throw. I grew up watching reality television, so I, like, love a good drink throw.
You laugh your way through. That is like my number one belief is like laugh through the pain.
Okay. Well, I didn't know the person that the drink was thrown on. The guy was being an asshole.
Right. Okay, so, but you knew both parties.
Well, he did tell her she was the only girl he would want.
And it's like, and then he's making out with someone the next day. Toss.
Me too. I actually... I can't lie. I... I have so much anxiety. I think it's because I have really bad OCD that I over-explain myself and over-tell the truth. I get so anxious about lying.
Because I'm like, oh my God, I feel guilty.
Okay, because I think it's 50-50 for her, right? So, 50% was good. Like, you threw the drink on the guy. 50% was bad. You threw the drink on the girl. So, bask in the...
in the negative first and be like oh i did that yeah when it when the memory hits you and then be like but i also did that right you know what i mean i did that you know what i mean like i also yeah exactly it's like you're young you live you learn and then you move forward right what are you gonna do live in the past yeah ever i'm a i'm a monk
Guilty as charged. Wow. Well, not raise my voice, but I get very, very passionate. Oh, I can see that. Talk about choosing battles.
I am like, okay, which battle today? I want this one, this one, this one, and this one.
Well, being calm when someone's not matching your passion and your anger.
I always feel like my head is going to pop. Yeah. Like, I always feel like... You give hair popping? That was so fucking funny.
What song do you remember specifically being in the studio and like feeling so much pain and then – having a moment that created a song that sounded like the complete opposite.
I want the good sound. Okay. I'm so sick of speed dating apps, but I don't know how else to find a boyfriend. Please help. Okay, first off, what the fuck is a speed dating app? That I don't know, but I assume she just means all dating apps. That's the only way I can find love.
Okay, you first. Sorry, I just interrupted you.
Yes, no. And that's why it's so toxic, especially in the gay community. Mm. Because it's, like, from both sides, and it's, like, you're literally, like, you're not even speaking to someone.
But for me, I have this, like, constant fear that, like, everyone's always making fun of me, which has gotten a lot worse since I've pursued a career, like, in, like, the public eye, even though it's not, like, crazy, crazy anything, like, I still feel anxious.
Like, when I'm at a bar, like, I'm always scared that someone is going to, like, take a photo and be like, can you believe he's trying to flirt with me?
Like, you know what I mean? And so I'm like, I can't meet anybody. I feel like I only have dating apps.
I think if you are going to use dating apps like I do, the key is take it offline. Like, are we going to meet for a date? Are we going to meet for a drink or not? Yes.
I think I really liked what you said about the self-betterment because it's true. And I actually feel like I can absorb that information and really know that as not cliche and true, like especially this year. Like if you told me that last year, I'd be like, okay, like, okay. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? But I really do believe it. And it's also and that goes for like all aspects of life.
Right. Like when you're happy, like the things that you always want will find you. So like when you were truly happy, then your major big break came. Right. And like that's like how because you enter that brief period of like just attracting people want to be around you and people want what you have. So I think that's great advice.
I think we killed that advice.
Cheers. No, I know. I have to do either. Those glass eyes. I know. I know. My guy friend will consistently flirt with me and lead me on to the point where multiple people have asked me what we are and I've started to question it myself and then proceed to introduce me to every girl he's talking to.
He will also invite me to things and not leave my side when he's single, but as soon as he's with another girl, he'll invite me so I'm around but won't talk to me at all. I hate mixed signals and psychotic men. Help.
I think she does. I would prescribe Tell Me Lies season two because, but as an example of what not to do once you get that new relationship.
So you were like manifesting.
Like, wait, are you flirting with me?
Do you believe in manifesting?
Oh yeah. It's like 13 going on 30.
Really? With your current boyfriend?
But I do it like differently. Like how do you manifest?
I'm so excited for her. Me too. Oh, I'm so excited for her. Good times. Good times. I'm pregnant and the baby's due in a month. Wow.
I live with my dad, but haven't told him yet. Just wearing very baggy clothes all the time and hiding it.
Yeah. And she lives with him and she's just wearing very baggy clothes.
Yes. Yes. It's complicated between me and my partner. My dad doesn't know that either. How do I break all of this to him?
That's crazy that it's a month out and he doesn't know.
But you can't hide a person.
To me, it's like what's the safest route for you and the baby? The safest route is letting him know before so he knows if your water breaks and you have to give birth, he knows what to do.
Maybe sing to him like they do on Glee.
I have an idea. Have you seen the TikTok trend when the person's like breaking news to someone and it's like, okay, everybody say, I got the role on three. One, two, three, I got the role. Say, everybody say, I'm pregnant and the baby's due in one month and I forgot to tell you on three. One, two, three.
Okay. I have two prescriptions. One in, but daddy, I love him. When Taylor Swift's like, I'm having his baby. And then she says, no, I'm not. But just pause the song.
Thank you. Or, or recreate Beyonce's love on top VMA performance. And you never remember when she takes off her thing and rubs her belly.
All I'm thinking about right now is how I'm going to doom scroll and like pick up my head up and I'm going to be elderly.
It's delicious, but definitely not great.
Makes me sick. It's post COVID. I'm telling you. it's TikTok, it's post COVID.
Absolutely. Every day would feel like a year. You would, you would like, You would appreciate things more. You'd be more present. We'd touch grass. We would touch. We would live in the grass.
Yeah. I've always, I mean, I'm definitely addicted to my phone. I think it is a real, real addiction.
What the fuck am I doing? You know what else is a real addiction that TikTok introduced was that feeling of virality and likes. It literally generates dopamine. Yeah, it's a lot of crazy.
There's going to be phone rehabs.
I will be the first patient.
Maybe I should get off my phone for a few days. I can't.
We prescribe Still Bad by Lizzo to tell your dad that you're pregnant.
God, I'm never going to listen to that song the same again now that you said it's inspired by the Strokes and that little... I know. Okay, you ready for the final one? Yes. My mom will full... My mom will full-blown dirty text my dad right next to me like all the time and I can't stand it anymore. Just because I'm an adult does not mean I want to see that shit. Please.
Just be like, I can't believe my mom does that.
And wouldn't you rather your parents be in love?
No, but seriously. Seriously. And also, if you don't want to see it, don't look.
Okay, so first of all, I had the most incredible time with you today.
Thank you so much for coming.
I always do. I leave the studio drenched.
But, Lizzo, what did we learn today?
Does it feel like what you thought it would feel like?
That felt amazing for me too.
Oh, it's good to know. I haven't had that in so long. Thank you for being here.
Literally, this will go down in history, I think.
Okay, so you look in the camera and you say, bye, pussies. Oh, wait. Will this come out when the album is announced? The album's announced.
Okay. You should make it a big deal.
Make it a big deal right now.
But? But it will be out. On what date?
Okay, you want to give a little bye, pussies?
I love Lizzo. She was so awesome to hang out with and it was so fun. So I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did. Oh, well, we start back on tour this week. I forgot. We start back on tour. So I go back on tour Friday. We're going to San Francisco, which I am so, so, so excited for. If you want to get tickets to a show, go to pastthatpost.com.
Did you perform that song Jerome at the Grammys?
Oh, I love that performance. Yes, I love that performance.
Oh, that's funny. I didn't know memes were made out of that one.
What is Gen Alpha? I forgot that there's a generation younger than Gen Z. Oh, let me tell you something.
And I don't even know what they're going to do to Gen A. I mean, I just feel my issue with Gen Alpha is like, and I was looking, I was, I was. Not you beefing with them already. Yeah. What is wrong with you zeers? Well, I was just saying, because I'm, like, I was looking on TikTok the other day and someone was, like, and honestly, same goes for my generation.
Like, they were, like, you guys can't be cringe anymore. You can't try anymore. You can't try anything. Like, that's something millennials had that, like, we didn't. Like, was that, like, they were cringe because they tried. They, like, did it all because there wasn't someone immediately being, like, oh, that's not, like, you know what I mean? Ah! ah, right.
Did you, when did you stop reading comments?
Oh, with the little thing that was like, what would it say again?
There's always a new one. There's so many. What are they saying right now?
Click live with Jake Shane to see if I'm coming to a city near you. And if you want to submit a Tell Me What's Wrong, go to PassThatPuss.com and click Tell Me What's Wrong and leave a name and number if you're feeling fancy. I love you, pussies. Enjoy tonight's episode.
What is going on in the comment section? I feel like, Stan, that whole culture is so... I have related it to organized religion.
Are you excited for the Cowboy Carter tour?
So my outfit for Renaissance sucked. Really? I had like a hat and boots. I think I called it a day.
No, but it was like silver boots. If I remember, it was like silver. It was silver everything. I think. Whatever. I had the best time of my life.
So are you going to go to L.A.?
Oh, you live here. You live here.
Oh, my God. The golden years of L.A. The golden years.
Like, I never got to experience that. I mean, I did, but, like, I wasn't, like, clubbing at the time.
Right. And they were like, no.
It is the most lonely place in the world.
My parents always said that because my mom is like New York and my dad's like L.A. And my mom's like, I just can't be in L.A. It's so lonely. It's so isolating.
Well, there's a lot to be done. First of all, you salute the commander in chief who got those 76 million votes and is going to chart the way. And I'll give him advice and counsel along the way. I'll just say what he told me. Return the Pentagon to the warfighters, Pete.
Get in there and clean out all the social justice, politically correct garbage on top and get back to lethality, warfighting, accountability, meritocracy and readiness.
No, I'm just saying they deny it. That's all I'm saying.
Governor, you're going to have people saying, you know, I saw a drone and it was spraying something, or I saw a drone crash in my yard and set off an alarm when I tried to go near it. There's a lot of fear.