Unnamed Voice #1

It's got a sheen. It's got a sheen to it. It's got a nap, I believe they call it. What's that? A nap. You can rub it one way, and it'll go dark, and then rub it the other way, it'll go light. Wow.

It's like... Kablooey. I also want to say this. I've never said this before. You're absolutely right about that.

No, no, no. I do want some surprise. How often does a surprise go wrong?

It goes wrong all the time. In a gift from your spouse, it can't go that wrong.

Would you ever consider going to prison for three years?

Okay, she does not do that.

My daughter was role-playing going to work the other day. I said, what do you do for work? She goes, I push buttons.

The one time we got in a fight because I bought her an espresso machine and she thought it was too extravagant and she got mad at me.

Maybe I shouldn't tell this on the podcast.

You guys are severed. Yeah, we are severed.

It wasn't. I mean, as espresso machines go, it's a mid-level espresso machine.

Yeah.

Okay, we found that something very interesting happened with a fan of yours and more specifically some merchandise from this podcast. Okay. And this comes from Instagram. We're going to take a listen to it or watch it if you're watching this on YouTube. Okay, let's take a look.

Yes. Okay. And she has since come to love that machine, but we got in a fight that day because she was... I can't tell the story. That's okay. It's all right.

So this comes to us from an Instagram username, True Travels of Hope. My first thought is that were you the burglar just trying to get the shirt?

Might as well. I noticed because she's wearing one of those shirts for the podcast that say, I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend. And there's a spot where you can literally fill it in with a marker. And she has not done that yet.

That was her big issue.

Just give it up. It's funny you should say that she shouldn't approach him because I feel like the first thing you would do.

Not for a Conan O'Brien shirt.

But if someone was wearing your Cher shirt.

Dumb fans. He broke back into the house so he could get a selfie and so he could force her to sign.

Like the sirens are down the street and he breaks back in going, I haven't signed your shirt yet. Would you like me to sign it? That would be more likely. Okay.

That's the weird thing. What's the motivation of the burglar? This is what they decide to take, you know? Well, first of all, okay, now you're being a dick. Well, I'm on this podcast, too.

Yes.

Yes.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at

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Our Christmas has, like, slightly decreased. We're now, since we've had a kid, too, we kind of are just, like, three gifts for each other, and that's it. And, you know, one's, like, little or something. What? You know, we just get three gifts for each other.

Not for the kid. For each other. For Amanda and me. For each other. We get each other, we limited our, this is her idea. Look, I'm not a boy. I want to do more.

Three each. And I bet one of them's a walnut.

Here's your walnut. I agree. I like to go big for Christmas. I've been tailored back a little bit. I like to just chill.

Humming along. We got this nice little podcast humming along here.

She'd get mad at me.

I'm not interested in buying a gift for someone who's forcing me. A gift should be about what another person would think would make you happy. No. What? I know. Well, that would make me happy. You guys are horrible people.

But what if it's something you didn't see? Like, I'll go shopping sometime for Amanda, or I'm out, and I see you.

I know.

What are you going to do about it?

Oh, so you won't stand for it?