Vanessa B. Bonds

No is a complete sentence is my least favorite expression in all of like the self-help literature.

It drives me insane.

And the thing that's funniest to me is, like, yes is a complete sentence.

So, like, if you imagine someone asking you for something and you just say, sure, or yes, I'd be happy to, right?

Like, you don't need any justification.

You don't need to explain why you said yes.

But I don't know anyone who feels comfortable just saying no without any explanation or kind of, you know, way of placating the other person.

Definitely.

I'm such a people pleaser.

It's, yeah.

I guess that's the best test of a people pleaser.

Are you a people pleaser?

And the people pleasers just say yes.

across all these different requests.

It was typically about twice as likely for people to agree to these requests as our participants expected.

One of the best ways I think about a request is essentially someone sort of reaching their hand out to another person.

So it's like, I'm extending my hand and asking for your help.

Or it's, I'm extending my hand and asking you for a date.

Or it's, I'm extending my hand and asking you to join me in this unethical pursuit.

But whatever it is, it's like, I'm extending my hand and asking you to cooperate with me.

And if you don't take my hand, if you say no, if you reject me, you are not being cooperative.

And everything in our being, you know, from how we've evolved to how we've been socialized, tells us that we're supposed to cooperate with other people.

And so when we say no, we're potentially risking damaging our reputation and looking like uncooperative people.

We're potentially damaging our relationship with that person.

And then there's also this risk of sort of tangible repercussions.

Right.

It's possible that this person won't reciprocate down the line.

It's even possible that they'll get aggressive with us because they're upset.

So there's just so many risks, many of them social, but some of them even instrumental, involved in saying no.

Women are socialized to be communal and cooperative.

And so when we say no, when we essentially say, no, I'm not going to cooperate.

Right.

First of all, we aren't living up to the expectations that we've been socialized to have, that we're supposed to be communal and cooperative.

And so we feel bad about ourselves.

Right.

We also are often punished reputationally because we're not conforming to the stereotype of women being communal and cooperative.

And so people kind of see us as less warm.

They may, you know, have sort of a negative impression of us if we say no because it doesn't fit what they're expecting us to say.

Yeah, I have a lot to say about that.

So essentially, you know, there's a distinction between giving and giving in.

We do tend to overestimate how negatively we'll be seen if we say no.

I think part of that is because we're so focused on this one moment.

This is super salient.

We pay attention to the thing that's right in front of our face, the super tangible thing, and we're like, oh, this is the only way people are going to know me in this moment.

But in fact, people have a much longer term impression of us.

They've seen all the times we have helped, and this is just one out of many instances.

Totally.

It's like those email signatures that say, like, I don't check email during these hours.

It's like not only protecting your time, it's teaching people a norm.

Like maybe we all shouldn't check email at those hours.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny about that, too.

You know, speaking as someone who asked you for a book endorsement, my assumption going in is like this person's going to say no.

And so, you know, you knowing that as the person being asked that that person doesn't necessarily expect a yes.

Right.

If they do, that's kind of entitled.

And I feel like that's a different category of person.

So like most people are not expecting a yes.

So a polite, warm, thoughtful no is like a win for a lot of people.

Right.

wow, Adam Grant sent me a really nice email back.

He couldn't do it, and that's fine.

I mean, he's really busy.

So I think understanding that people don't necessarily expect a yes, and they're pleasantly surprised when you do say yes.

I think that's just an important thing to know.

So when I go to the grocery store, they always ask for donations.

And I always say, oh, I've already given this year.

And that makes me feel like, OK, I've said I'm a generous person.

You know, I've declined nicely, but it's a clear no.

So one thing a lot of women I know do is they'll have a list of all the things that they have agreed to.

And so they'll say, you know, I would love to do this, but I'm doing one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, you know, all these other things.

And that shows like, look at how giving and communal and cooperative I've been.

I'm a major contributor to this organization, but I just can't say yes to this.

I have too much on my plate.

So when somebody asks for your help, you can give it yourself or you can help that person sometimes just as well as if you did it yourself by referring them to another person.

You could say, you know, I could help you, but actually my colleague knows even more about that and I'd be happy to refer you to them.

But research has shown that we really don't like to do that.

We worry, first of all, that it's going to make us look incompetent.

Right.

So that kind of gets at this idea of like my reputational concerns.

And people also worry that it's going to kind of damage the relationship with the other person.

I think there's a sense of like I am worthy as long as people need me.

we actually overestimate how much people are disappointed by getting a referral, right?

And so that that concern is often bigger in our own heads than it is for the other person.

And so if it was purely other-oriented, right, it might be best for the other person for you to refer them elsewhere.

And yet we hold on to that request and we feel like we need to take it on ourselves.

Absolutely.

There is so much sort of advice and information out there for how to get better at saying no.

And we tend to put so much pressure on the person who has to say no to be the one to manage that.

Right.

To come up with, you know, we have these strategies like you and I have been talking about, but there's a responsibility on the people asking to ask in ways that aren't coercive.

We found that when you give people the words to say no, that they don't necessarily say no more, although maybe a little bit.

But the big thing is they feel more like they could have said no, right?

It feels more voluntary when they do agree.

So making a request and saying, you know, let me know tomorrow or let me know when you've had some time to think about it.

And asking over email is much less coercive than asking in person.

And so I often give the advice of if someone asks you something in person, face to face, ask them if you could take some time and respond over email.

Say, I'll think about that a little bit.

I'll send you an email with my answer tomorrow or whatever it is.

So that is kind of getting you out of that pressure zone, giving you some time to think, actually make a mindful decision about what you want to do and then respond to them in a way that you feel good about.

Right.

I mean, that's another thing to think about.

Like each time we say yes to something, we're kind of saying this is OK.

Right.

We're saying like it is acceptable for us to ask these things.

Sometimes we don't want people to feel like, oh, that was wrong to ask.

But sometimes it's like, no, I'm actually going to teach you that this isn't something you should be asking for.

Right.

I love that.

That's one of the recommendations I give, too, when people want a reason to say no that's like, it's not because I'm a bad person.

It's not because I'm not helpful.

It's just, I'm working on this.

It says, like, I am.

My default is to say yes to this, but, like, I'm doing it too much.

I mean, I guess, you know, Adam, I have another book coming out.

Will you plug it on social media?

Adam Grant is so mean.