Vanessa Van Edwards

Warmth and competence makes up 82% of our judgments of people. 82%. And so warmth is actually what we're talking about here in that most people have an imbalance of warmth and competence. We're very high in warmth, maybe not as high in competence, or we're signaling a lot of warmth, but not signaling enough competence.

Warmth and competence makes up 82% of our judgments of people. 82%. And so warmth is actually what we're talking about here in that most people have an imbalance of warmth and competence. We're very high in warmth, maybe not as high in competence, or we're signaling a lot of warmth, but not signaling enough competence.

Highly warm folks, people who are off the charts in warmth, their primary desire is to be liked. Highly competent folks, this is a lot of my students, they want to be right and So a highly competent person, they're very at work. They want to be on agenda. They want to get it right. You know you're in a relationship with a highly competent person if they constantly Google fact check you, right?

Highly warm folks, people who are off the charts in warmth, their primary desire is to be liked. Highly competent folks, this is a lot of my students, they want to be right and So a highly competent person, they're very at work. They want to be on agenda. They want to get it right. You know you're in a relationship with a highly competent person if they constantly Google fact check you, right?

They're less concerned about you liking them, but they just want to make sure they get the facts right. A highly warm person wants you to like them, which means they often sacrifice their credibility to be liked.

They're less concerned about you liking them, but they just want to make sure they get the facts right. A highly warm person wants you to like them, which means they often sacrifice their credibility to be liked.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is actually what people pleasing is, in my opinion. Right. I think people pleasing is someone who goes, I so want to be liked that I'm willing to throw my competence out the window just so that you like me. They're sacrificing the need to be liked for their need to be respected. Yeah. I say to people pleasers, what true communication is, is showcasing both.

That is actually what people pleasing is, in my opinion. Right. I think people pleasing is someone who goes, I so want to be liked that I'm willing to throw my competence out the window just so that you like me. They're sacrificing the need to be liked for their need to be respected. Yeah. I say to people pleasers, what true communication is, is showcasing both.

You can be both liked and respected. You can be both friendly and credible. You can be assertive and also be nice. One of my most popular videos is A Nice Person's Guide to Being Assertive. Because you don't have to sacrifice one for the other.

You can be both liked and respected. You can be both friendly and credible. You can be assertive and also be nice. One of my most popular videos is A Nice Person's Guide to Being Assertive. Because you don't have to sacrifice one for the other.

And so for my people pleasers, what I would say is your goal sure is to be liked, but it's also to make sure that people respect who you are and your values. So if you're having conversations with me too moments, what you're actually doing is, do you value that?

And so for my people pleasers, what I would say is your goal sure is to be liked, but it's also to make sure that people respect who you are and your values. So if you're having conversations with me too moments, what you're actually doing is, do you value that?

Do I value that? Great. We both value it. When it becomes inauthentic, when I think we get into even like manipulation is I don't like that and I'm going to pretend I do.

Do I value that? Great. We both value it. When it becomes inauthentic, when I think we get into even like manipulation is I don't like that and I'm going to pretend I do.

right, when someone has a fake me too moment, like I was just watching an episode of the Kardashians and they were interviewing someone in our job interview. This is the biggest problem in job interviews. And they asked him, do you use QuickBooks? And he was like, yeah. And they said, what do you use QuickBooks for? And he was like, Quick booking? Like he did not know.

right, when someone has a fake me too moment, like I was just watching an episode of the Kardashians and they were interviewing someone in our job interview. This is the biggest problem in job interviews. And they asked him, do you use QuickBooks? And he was like, yeah. And they said, what do you use QuickBooks for? And he was like, Quick booking? Like he did not know.

And that was inauthentic because he wanted to be liked. He wanted to say he had it. He should have just said, no, I haven't, but I'm a fast learner. When I think people pleasers get into trouble is they pretend they like something that they don't. And that is manipulative, but also it doesn't serve you or them.

And that was inauthentic because he wanted to be liked. He wanted to say he had it. He should have just said, no, I haven't, but I'm a fast learner. When I think people pleasers get into trouble is they pretend they like something that they don't. And that is manipulative, but also it doesn't serve you or them.