Watch What Happens Host 1

Some of our favorite Housewives episodes are when the cast goes on group vacations. I mean, hello, we just watched SLC go nuts in Mexico. Or what about Scary Island? Or what about Morocco? I mean, it goes on and on and on.

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Yeah, thank you for bringing that up. That's a really good point because we had to stand there and while they were saying that, while Patricia said that Paige was mean to Craig, no, she was just exasperated by him. And if she was mean to Craig, then you know what? She deserved to be because he is ridiculous. I am totally team Paige. We are team Paige. And you know what?

If she is dating this new guy that she went to the football game with, God fucking bless.

I think that Craig probably goes for women who are like smart because he's not smart. So I think he's hoping it's going to rub off on him. And he like does, he somehow presents, puts on his charm, puts on his facade. He bamboozles them. They're like, oh my goodness, this is, I have like a golden retriever. And then what happens?

Is that they realize that, oh, this is a golden retriever, but this golden retriever shits everywhere and I'm sick of picking up its poop. And they just like get ground down. And I always, I always empathize with Naomi being so frustrated with Craig sewing all day. And you know me, I like to sew. I get the sewing thing. But it's that Craig was talking about how he's going to law school.

He's going to do something and instead he's sewing. And it's great that he turned to sewing into something. But like, I felt like he was always fantasizing.

Yeah, no, Craig is really nice, but that being said, he's not perfect, and I don't think that Paige should ever be vilified, because as nice as Craig is, I still am always going to be team Paige in this situation, always.

well, you're going to have to give a little bit, Craig, because you're not right all the time. Only I am. Craig's like, well, that's why you're coming, because I brought you to ask the hard questions. He's like, well, I think Craig and Austin are closest. When Austin does what Craig tells him to do, and if Austin falls out of line, there's problems.

But if we can't empathize with each other's points of view, then are we really friends to begin with? That's a great question to ask yourself in literally every single season that we've ever watched, Shep. Yeah.

Yeah, but also only one person in this trio got the love and attention of Kelsey Ballerini, okay? And I don't think Shep has ever forgotten that. That's true.

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Well, I want to be good with Craig, because this is Austin speaking again, okay? Because now I'm at a table. This time I'm at Holy City Brewery. I want to be good with Craig, and I don't want to be at odds. It feels like Craig and I have been skirting around the issue for far too long, and let's just cut through this shit. Let's just fucking talk, man.

It's gotten to a point where there's nothing else to be said other than exactly what the issue is for both of us.

years like coming to meet me Craig has a partner in arms which is wow more chess games from Craig I said it partner in arms I'm an intelligent person we shall see if are you gonna start this like the godfather like thank you for joining me because by the way you know I've never seen the godfather that's not surprising whatsoever not surprising

I say, take the cannoli, leave the pillow.

She probably knows. Probably when she said, Craig, I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. He's like, what if I refuse it? No, Craig, you don't have to say anything to it. It was a joke in and of itself. What?

Actually, I hate to break it to you, Ronnie. Craig is right. The beginning is really Don Corleone sitting in his office at the wedding. And the guy comes and says, Don Corleone, you've got to help me. And it's all dark. And then they go out to the wedding outside.

Wow. Don't tell Paige. But I don't think that Craig knew that, by the way. I think that was a pure guess.

I actually watched Godfather part two, like three years. I think I talked about it on the podcast. I was like, guys, I watched the Godfather part two.

That's a good show, by the way.

Godfathers. Can I say something? The Godfather is so good. It was good. I think I'm probably the first person who's ever realized this. The Godfather is so good. Yeah, it was pretty good. It was a good one.

Yeah, grow up. You know what? When that door closed on Diane Keaton's face at the end, I was like, oh, gutting. It's always the woman who suffers.

But only you would think it's a horse head, you idiot. The point is, Craig has not seen The Godfather, and Shep is like, Garsh, I've seen The Garshfather, and I think you have to watch it at, like, your Italian bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah.

What's a bat mitzvah? What's that? What's a bar mitzvah?

You know, it's like Fiddler on the Roof. Oh, don't tell Paige I haven't seen Fiddler on the Roof either.

putting up his hand to guard his mouth so here comes some tough stuff i'm gonna make an offer to austin he can't refuse did i do it right okay um i have a proposal i'll say oh god he's like um maybe we give you 30 grand but like i keep ownership of it it's like oh my god oh Oh, no. Like, no, I'm not. First of all, no. And second of all, I'm not thinking about the podcast.

And also, third of all, that's a real lowball figure. Oh, God, no.

Yeah, and he's like, and Austin is basically like, yeah, I mean, like, Craig, it was telling, it was me telling you that you've lost track of your interpersonal relationships. I'm trying to have you find some balance, dude. That's all that I wanted you to do. Like, instead, you took your ball and you went home with it, okay?

Like, man, just think about all the things that you've done since that conversation. Yeah.

So now we go over to Miss Patricia's house where she is sitting upstairs and she has a bell and she is ringing it and tormenting Randy, who is trying ever so hard to pour some champagne into a glass.

Ah, Shep, I mean, it's like talking to a brick wall. And Craig's like, mediator. What is unclear? Like, I don't get it. Um, well, I think there's a part of Austin and I that thought that it was like, oh, like a PR thing. Like, oh, like I've got to do this. If I want my business to flourish, I have to be squeaky clean. Well, yeah, well, that's okay.

Like, if you're saying like, oh, I have a successful business. I have to maintain a good image for myself. That's okay to do, Shep. I mean, not at the expense of a friendship, but like you're allowed to do that too.

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Yes, I agree with all this. I kind of agree with all the points that are happening in this conversation because I think everyone kind of has a valid point because their friendship is changing. But I think probably for Austin and Shep, the strongest point that they should make, I believe, is that it feels like now the friendship is only on Craig's terms.

They can only hang out with him when he says that they can hang out and it has to be at his place. And if they make plans, he bails on them or it's like only during these sanction times of like gym or whatever. And I think if they stuck with that, I think if you talk about like, oh, we think you're trying to be squeaky clean for your business. I don't think that's like a fair thing to say.

And you may feel like they may feel it, but I don't think you're going to win the argument by saying that. But I do think that like it's if you say we don't feel like we have a say in this friendship, which makes us feel like we're being used or whatever. I think that's that would be their strongest path forward.

By the way, and in the middle of this, Shep goes, part of being a self-realized human is being able to listen to constructive criticism and to really take it in and maybe realize that some people have a point. I'm like, yeah, Shep, a poster child of a self-realized human being.

Also, I have a question. I was going to ask you about this.

Your background is so beautifully blurred. You've got that good bokeh effect, I think they call it. Is that just naturally happening, or did you put something on? Because I cannot, for the life of me, get that nice effect on my camera. I don't know.

My laptop doesn't have it. Instead, I have, for some reason, puke green tone that's just washing over my entire screen. That's lovely.

Puke Green Brewery. Yeah, I literally am the color scheme of Frog and Toad right now. You're not. You look very handsome.

Oh, thank you. Wow. You know, I haven't even watched our episode yet. I did. I masturbated to it. I'm just kidding. I didn't want to say that.

I saw the pictures because I was honestly, I felt very self-conscious about how I looked. I felt like I wore the wrong shoes by accident. They don't see the shoes.

I know. Who cares? We're guys. No one cares about our shoes. And I was also afraid the shirt wasn't fitting me the way I wanted it to. I was worried about my posture. I don't know. I was like, you know some days you go out into the world and you feel like, yeah, I look good. And then some days you're like, no, I'm off. And it's not like me feeling shitty on myself.

It's just like that night I was like, I feel like I'm not really rocking it.

Well, no, but what I did do, I did lipo my ankles yesterday. So I was like, I can't, after that Watch What Happens Live appearance, I've got to lipo those ankles. No, but for real, it wasn't like a, it's not like an ongoing, like, it was just that night. I just didn't love how it looked. So I just, like, I was like, it made me not want to jump into watching it.

That's all right. No, it's fine. Just know that. This is what Austin and Craig need to know. A real friend masturbates to their other friend and themselves when they see themselves on TV.

Hey, Molly, if you want to go up a size in the boobies, we can take some fat out of Randy's ankles. I've been working real hard on them.

What a self-serving comment by him. So I guess I don't use the limited amount of free time that I have because I'm busy because I work that I get at my house because I have a beautiful house that you guys should all just come to. Like, I don't have a lot of time. So since I don't have a lot of time, you guys should come to my house. I got a sweet pool, but OK, fine, I'll go to you.

It's like it's such a begrudging like way to contribute to this conversation.

Charles is like, I just want to imagine a world where I don't live in a fake anthropology store. So she's cooking. I did enjoy her cookbook selection that she had in her kitchen. She had Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat. And she also had Treasury of Southern Baking by Cheryl Day. So it was a nice selection. I approve of Vanita. She has good taste. She knows her food and everything. She's making a Branzino.

This is all very nice food. I just want more for her. Vinita, you don't deserve to be on this show. You need to find something bigger and better than these people. To sit here, you wasting good fish on someone like JT, it's just not worth it. It's just sad.

Bunny. It's Bunny's G-Wagon.

So Randy brings Patricia some champagne all the way up the stairs. And then she's like, all right, now bring me five more. Just keep on bringing up the champagne until you drip and fall down the stairs. I just want a good laugh today.

She's like, oh, yeah. But then I was in a relationship with somebody else, Manny. And I said, you know what? Pump the brakes. Don't get into JT. Don't cheat. But the more we got to hang out with the group and being out together and me standing up for him and having his back, I was just like, I don't do this for people that I'm just friendly with. And then I was like, maybe I like him.

I mean, he didn't save me when I almost drowned, although he wasn't invited. But either way, sure, I'll like JT. Why not? Yeah.

Yeah, no, but Vanita gets chat on time and time again on this show, and she gets humiliated. And it's just like she gets shoved to the corner. And she's the only one who seems to actually have a brain around here. And, you know, we have, we have Vanita, she's sitting, he's saying things like, you know, I'm extremely attracted to you.

And this Branzino, you know what, the thing with this Branzino, it makes me imagine all the dinners we could have together if we were in a relationship. Maybe someday we'll get married and I'll sit around the table with our children eating Branzino together. God, that would be a great life.

I can see me taking our firstborn child, little JT Jr., off on a fishing trip to catch a branzino and we cook it up for the whole family.

Oh, and then I'll say, what is that other smell? Mama also made us some pickled branzino for the side. And what's that other smell? Branzino pie. Oh, wow.

And she's like, you know, I've been getting out of the gates in this new relationship. And I got to give myself a little bit of credit because I don't cheat. I do not cheat America. Oh, but it's a slippery slope. And he was like, well, I won't say I knew he had a girlfriend, but I can say I knew he was talking to someone. But it wasn't like this is who I'm dating.

Yeah. So she's like, let's be real. If I was dating JT and he's talking to another girl like this, we would be done and there's no way, there's no way I would be able to continue dating him. So he's like, I think it's just important that you know that my work means something.

so Madison comes over and she goes upstairs Randy okay please bring up some champagne this time in coupes okay and balance them on your nose like a seal and then also clap your hands and also is it possible to go up the stairs while also balancing on a beach ball can you do that for us please thank you so much Randy

Yeah. And then she's basically like, well, I'm equal parts angry and equal parts sad because, like, how long have you been flirting? And you've had a girlfriend the whole time? And he's like, well... That was some good Branzino. I'm going to head on out in Bunny's car, and I will talk to you later.

Yeah, be smarter. So that is it, everyone. That is our final episode before the crappies. And now, next time you see and hear from us, we'll be on that stage. We cannot wait. Can't wait to see all of you. If you can't be there, get your streaming ticket at Kiswe. Go to our website, watchyourcrappies.com for links to that.

And then, again, next week, we'll be in Salt Lake City in Denver, and we're going to be doing Salt Lake City reunion in Salt Lake City, which will be a blast. So see everyone somewhere, and have a great weekend, everyone. Bye. Bye. Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine DiBernardo has our heart-o.

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Randy, will you come to the top of the stairs, please? Okay, there he is. Madison, if you want to push him down, go ahead, be my guest. It's real fun.

Hey, Randy, there's some exposed wires up there. You mind just licking them real quick, see if they're still alive?

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So, yeah, they're just like sitting there and she's like, so what happened to Randy, by the way? Did he get lost? Does he not know we went one room over? He's a real idiot, I gotta say.

All right. Now, you know, you only eat caviar with Mother of Pearl. And by the way, my favorite thing to beat Randy with is a Mother of Pearl spoon. It's just such a versatile thing.

So Sienna is, we see a clip of Sienna at like that dog party and she's talking to everyone. She's like, oh my God, like it's so funny. Like my grandma is the one who actually set me up because my grandma's pretty much like the president of like the Southern Charm fan club in the Bahamas. Like she just loves Southern Charm. So it's like hilarious. Yeah, she met, she set me up with Shep.

Anyway, oh my God, I know everything about you guys. I love watching you. By the way, you were so good two seasons ago. I have a question. Last season when you got that dress, was that like, did you get that at Gwynn's? Because I'd love to go to Gwynn's. Can someone take me to Gwynn's? I want to just see all the sites.

Dehumanizing resources.

He said, don't tell anybody. He's going to kill me. Don't worry. I'll just blame it on Randy. You know what was cool?

Yeah, that's a really great question. So Madison's like, here's your contract for Southern Charm.

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And Patricia's like, so it sounds like she's working a lot of angles here. Stalker. I mean, to be fair, I feel like most of this cast is stalkers. This is kind of like where stalkers go to get sanitized and reintroduced into society. Yeah.

Yeah, seriously. So now we go to Craig on his car and he's on the phone with Jerry, his business partner. And he's like, I want to talk about like Austin and the podcast and like Shep is going to mediate. And like, I want to like maybe buy out Austin.

And Jerry is like, you know, offer somewhere between 35, I think it was a 35 was just 30,000, 30,000 and 50,000, somewhere like that as a lump sum payment.

Like, I'm sorry. That is wild. That's insane right now. It's insane. And I want to say this comment does not come from any sort of bias because we met Austin the other night. That is wild. They've had a podcast for a few years. They're both celebrities. There's value in this podcast. And you're going to buy out your partner for $30,000. That is so insulting. That is so rude.

And low-balling, too. And you're going to talk about how successful you are, and then you're going to offer only $30,000. I think it should be six figures. For those two people, for something like that, six figures at least. That was so shitty.

Call it down. I'm down. Call it. I'm down. Get it. Get it. Because of pillow feathers and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, for a Krakus, will it be called sham?

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I'm in my forever relationship. So Shepa's like, oh, I know. And it's worth giving it a try because the feelings you have for her don't come around that often. Do you think Paige would be upset if I offered her $30,000 to buy her out of our relationship so I could just take over the relationship for myself?

That's F-O-R-H-E-R-S dot com slash crappins for your personalized weight loss treatment options.

Oh my God, there's something on the windshield. Sorry, someone just threw free Dockers at me.

Speaking of Austin.