Zoe

Can you hear me OK?

People have told me that I look like a Zoe, so I'll go with that.

Kravitz.

I was going to say Deschanel.

First one ever.

Zoe Bowie.

Yeah, I'm actually in Ireland at the moment, but from the Pacific Northwest. So it's where the story takes place. It's the summer of 2018. I was 17 at the time and I'm looking for a summer job. So I'm going to restaurants, shops, cafes, and I end up getting a job at this little cafe and it's owned by a couple who I'll call Linda and Derek.

They're probably in their mid to late 50s and very well-meaning, but definitely things could get a little awkward because they worked alongside us and the relationship would kind of get in the way sometimes. Which was kind of awkward for a teenager and everyone who worked there were young girls. The town that this was in, a lot of eclectic people. We had a lot of interesting customers.

I think a highlight is a man once brought a full-size dining room table into the store and then took a nap on it.

It was allowed. Like, what am I going to do? Oh, wow. Wow.

That is really odd. Okay. After about a month of being there, I'm pretty happy because I'm realizing that I'm making probably six or seven dollars an hour in tips on top of my minimum wage pay. I'm like, this is way more money than I thought I was going to be making here. But then suddenly that goes down to like one to two dollars an hour.

I talked to my coworkers and they're like, yeah, we also noticed that suddenly we've lost all of our tip money, which didn't make sense because it was the height of summer. It was way busier than it had ever been. So we're like, you know what? Let's talk to Linda and Derek. We approach them one day. We're like, hey, like we noticed some of our tip money is missing.

We don't think anyone's stealing it, but just wanted to alert you to the situation.

The cash tips, if people gave us change, we put them in a tip jar and then we'd empty that into like a big tip jar. And then if people tipped on card, we would immediately take that cash out of the cash register and put that also in the big tip jar. So we had basically this massive bin of coins and either two co-workers would roll those coins into like coin rolls or Linda would do it.

And then what would happen was Linda would take those coins to the bank and she would bring us big bills. So we'd get like $50 or $100 bills. So all these tips are missing. Linda is immediately very emotional. She starts crying. She's like, I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening. But really hysterical. Oh. Not the reaction I was expecting.

And Derek is like, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'm going to check the security footage. Someone is stealing from the store. This is unacceptable. This was on a Friday. So it was my last shift of the week. I go home like... Great, we're gonna get to the bottom of this. We'll get our tips back. I get a text from one of my coworkers the next day, and she's like, Derek found the tips.

They were in a chicken carcass.

Yeah.

In no logical way could I make sense of why, how did they get there? I text her back. I make sure she's not joking. She's like, no, no, no. He's like, I found them in a chicken carcass. So I'm like, I'm going down there. So I show up and Linda looks really scared to see me. She's like kind of darting around.

Derek and I go and sit outside and he's also being really evasive and he's commenting on like birds he's seeing and not there to have this conversation. I'm like, what happened with the tips? He's like, well, I really trust my employees. I didn't think any of you would steal them. So I wasn't even going to mess around with looking at the security cameras.

I just went straight to the, I'm going to go through the dumpster and I'm going to find the tips. These guys are bad at lying. Really bad. And the dumpsters are like shared with other businesses. So I keep pressing him and he's like, Linda was making some chicken sandwiches for

Orlandia, really. So she's making chicken sandwiches and she accidentally puts the bills, these like $100 bills, which is probably over $1,000. Oh my God. We're thinking for all of the employees. Accidentally puts them inside of the chicken.

Puts that in the dumpster. But I am like, no, no, no. I caught you in your lie. Good for you. I was really into Nancy Drew as a kid. Ah.

They had a farm. Dang.

Honestly, would appreciate that.

It was getting weirder and weirder, and I was like... No, Derek, I actually know that she made those earlier on in the week and the garbage is collected on a Friday morning. Wow, Nancy.

There's no way the bills would have been in the dumpster. And also, how many garbage bags did you go through and why did you look inside of the chicken carcass? He can't explain it to me, so he just switches to, you know what this is about? You must be on your period.

My God.

He's trying to gaslight you. And then he brings Linda into it and he's like, Linda, come on over here. You're going through menopause, right? And I think what's happened is your menopause and Zoe's period has synced up and you're just really fueling each other's hormonal rage.

This is disgusting. So this is not okay. If I was going to get my money back, I'd move on, but I did not appreciate this. So I went home and I remember talking to my parents and they were like, be respectful, write a two week letter, give it to them on your next shift and then find another job. So came in on Monday morning, gave Derek the letter. Linda's also there. She immediately starts crying.

The way that he was yelling at me, I was a little scared. So I was like, you know what? I quit. I took off my apron. I walked out. I had another job two days later and they shut down. Oh!

Which is obviously not what happened.

He said that he would give it to us. And maybe if I had stayed, I would have got it. And it was probably like a couple hundred bucks. Yeah, fuck.

Oh, Sleeping with the Enemy. Jess brings that up all the time.

I definitely think she was the one who took it based on her reaction. Now I feel bad if she was trying to leave him. Okay, well.

My dad still lives there. So I am always a little on edge because everyone knows everyone when I go back for Christmas, but never seen them.

I was nervous. I was like, I don't know if I have a story good enough. And I saw this problem. Okay, this might be my chance. Chicken carcass. That'll get you there.

Yeah, thank you.

I am. I also discovered a baby Guinness, which is like Kahlua and something else. And it's so cute. It literally is in a shot glass. Oh, cute.

Yeah, no. Forget all you guys. I'm sorry. This can't get any worse.

Yes.

Did you know that too?

Oh.

I mean, I'm okay.

Yeah, why am I being called right now?

No, thank you. Do you remember Steven? No, I'm not. No.

Yeah, no. There's a reason why we haven't chatted. Okay. Okay.

I don't think it's clear to him that I'm not really up for him wanting to date my mom. What?

That came out of nowhere. Did he hit on your mom at the wedding reception or something? As far as I know, he hasn't met my mom. But I don't know if he told you guys. Wait, what?

Yeah, so at the wedding, he said he was surprised that I was single because he thought I was pretty, whatever. And, um... yeah and i was like oh yeah it's crazy even my mom's dating she's on the apps whatever i laughed about it yeah and um he texted me that photo whatever but after that my mom matched with him on one of the apps oh my god really wait your mom tells you her matches Oh, yeah.

I mean, my mom and I are fairly close and she showed me who she matched with.

Let mom live.

Dude, what is actually wrong with you? You're going to call the station and you're going to tell them you're trying to figure out what's wrong, but clearly what's wrong is you're trying to get with my mother. After trying to get with me. We didn't know.

Yeah, for good reason. Yeah. The first straw was you sending me that creepy picture anyway. So obviously I was going to be standoffish. And then my mom showed me her dating app with you on it. Oh.

Steven, I even showed her the picture that you sent her to me, and she still is into you. So you guys can just go have fun.

Yeah. Yeah, you go enjoy yourself.

I mean, I don't know what else I can do. I can't just tell my mom who she can and can't date. So, like, how am I supposed to talk to her about that?

It's a horchata Galaxy Gas container.

Well, I guess Mr. Wellers back in town, nah.

Your head would look great on my mantle. You got soft hands, boy.

Mama always said I was going to get rabies, but I didn't care.

I wouldn't say old Mr. Weller's voice down there, but good luck now, Mr. Pennsylvania man. Big city man coming on down to this here swamp, you see. Oh, big city boy. Awfully far from his hoity-toity lofty lifestyle.

Oh, are you a universal donor? That's what you say.

Oh, typo negative. Ah, his favorite blood type, yeah.

He runs a plasma, he runs a plasma blood bank.

Now you're gonna get a glass of orange juice because you donated plasma.

Yeah, beware of him. Nah, nah.

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh, I want to... Jamaica, ooh, I want to take it too.

I want you to gun me down right here in front of this house.

What?

Yeah, I know you were waiting for that one.

I am the ham. People also call me Oscar Meyer. I'm a bit of a meat man myself. Yes, my teachers, ooh, they don't like it. Yes.

Don't confuse me with a turkey because I'm not. I'm a ham. I'm no bird, I'm a piggy. Okay, this is going nowhere, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you sure?

Yeah, which I know. I'm like, yeah, sure. You used to write for the town paper, didn't you?

Rob, I think I might need a pint in a bloody well of bloody stone, mate. Come on.

Yeah, he just ends up being Cillian Murphy.

No, Rob. No, I don't think there was a thing me could do.

No, that was fake. It was! Wow, Zoe. It was hand-laid. It was hand-laid into his own facial hair. I think he had a little bit of stubble and we hand-laid it in. The only time he wore a fake, fake beard, do you want me to tell you?

Was Silver Fox? When he's Silver Fox.

Stitcher.

Hi, Mel. It's Zoe. And I am wondering, how do you not let your setbacks keep you from getting back and trying again? Like on New Year's Day, I was resolving not to eat sweets. And literally, the first thing I ate was some chocolate birthday cake. And by noon, it was all over. So thoughts, any suggestions, any tips? Thanks. Happy New Year. Great job, Mel and all your crew.

Hey, this is Zoe. So I was a freshman when season one came out and now I'm a senior. So I've been applying to colleges and It's making me really wonder what kind of person applies to Gans College in here where Mark and Gemma taught. It looks pretty desolate, but maybe it's got a really low acceptance rate and is super exclusive. Should I apply?